Participants:
Series Code: LTBW
Program Code: LTBW190051S
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00:01 The following program features real clients
00:03 discussing sensitive issues. 00:05 The views and opinions expressed in this program 00:07 don't necessarily reflect 00:09 that of 3ABN's Dare to Dream Network. 00:11 Viewer discretion is advised. 00:49 Hi, I'm Dr. Kim Logan-Nowlin, and welcome to Live to Be Well. 00:53 Thank you for taking time out to join us today 00:57 on the Dare to Dream Network. 00:59 Please let our friend know that we are on the air. 01:02 Today I am blessed to have Mr. Robert Royster, 01:06 a friend and mentor 01:08 since I was a young lady 01:09 at the Burns Avenue Seventh-day Adventist Church. 01:12 Welcome, Mr. Royster, how are you? 01:15 Thank you, Dr. Nowlin, 01:16 and thank you for inviting me here today. 01:18 Oh, it is a pleasure. 01:20 You know, just to sit down and talk together. 01:23 I just want to start by tell us what you do. 01:26 What is your profession? 01:27 I'm a funeral director, 01:29 senior director at the funeral home. 01:33 I've been in licensed director for, 01:36 celebrating my 50th year 01:38 as a licensed director in the State of Michigan. 01:41 Fifty years? Fifty years. 01:43 My firm is celebrating 100 years this year 01:46 and I'm celebrating 50. 01:47 Fifty years. Congratulations! 01:50 Thank you. God has blessed me. 01:52 He gave me my three score and 10 plus. 01:55 Three score and ten plus. 01:56 Now let's start off 01:58 when you are a member 01:59 of the Burns Seventh-day Adventist Church, 02:01 parents very involved, active, 02:03 I remember your parents very well. 02:05 Then going on from there, 02:08 you went on to Pine Forge Academy. 02:10 Correct. 02:11 And then from there you went on to, where? 02:13 Oakwood University, 02:15 was Oakwood College at the time. 02:16 I started off in church school. 02:18 It was Berean. 02:20 That is now Peterson-Warren. 02:22 And I went to Pine Forge, class of '64. 02:27 Oh, my. 02:28 I went from there to Oakwood University 02:31 in Pre-Mortuary Science. 02:32 I'm the only one in the yearbook 02:34 with Pre-Mortuary Science. 02:35 The only one. 02:37 And I left there 02:38 and went to Wayne State 02:39 University School of Mortuary Science. 02:43 How do you feel God led you into that field? 02:46 Why would you make a decision to go into that field? 02:49 Do you feel He called you? 02:51 I didn't realize the calling until much later. 02:55 But I always wanted to be a businessman. 02:58 There was used to be Mr. Underwood 03:01 was an insurance man 03:03 back in the day that would come by the home 03:05 and get your money. 03:07 And he always had a shirt and tie, 03:08 and I was a kid and I want to do that. 03:11 And when I grew older, 03:13 Mr. Cantrell was on Cantrell Funeral Home 03:16 but prior to that 03:18 he worked at other funeral homes 03:19 and I used to watch him. 03:20 And he had this long wagon with curtains 03:24 and then we as kids, we used to see that at church. 03:28 And then I had a hero in high school, 03:30 I read about AG Gaston 03:34 and AG Gaston was a person born in a log cabin. 03:40 He started off as a funeral director, 03:42 funeral home. 03:44 And just reading his life history, 03:47 he started off in a log cabin 03:49 and ended up a multi-billionaire. 03:52 He owned 18 funeral homes down in Alabama, 03:54 conference center, hotel, schools, insurance companies. 03:58 And just reading about him and his theory of life, 04:03 never borrow more money than you have. 04:05 You only need to sue. 04:07 And I used to read about this guy 04:09 and I was just enamored of this guy and his growth. 04:13 When he died, he was 103. 04:15 Hundred and three? 04:17 But when he sold his business, 04:18 he could have been a multi-billionaire 04:20 over and over again. 04:22 Wall Street was upset 04:23 because he sold everything back to the workers, 04:27 all 18 funeral homes he sold to the managers. 04:31 The school, he sold to the teachers, 04:34 the insurance company, he sold to the workers. 04:37 His logic was 04:38 I can never spend all this money 04:41 and I'll give back to those who helped me get here. 04:44 And I love just the way he handled life. 04:48 Now I remember when you came back home from school, 04:50 and, you know, that we would get so excited 04:53 when you all come back 04:54 from boarding school and college 04:57 because we used to wonder, I said, 04:58 "Where did everybody go in August." 05:01 When after school or college, and you will come home, 05:04 but you still will extend a helping hand. 05:06 And I know you did to me. 05:08 And I remember and the reason 05:10 why expectations are not overrated 05:12 is because the expectations you have placed on me 05:16 the way I was associated 05:19 with different people in the church. 05:20 And one time, 05:21 you just pulled me aside and said, 05:23 "You know, what are you doing? 05:25 You know, who you're associating with? 05:27 What is your mindset?" 05:28 And I was like, "Oh, my goodness!" 05:30 And right then and there, 05:32 I knew, I had to, you know, the expectation, 05:35 and I had expectation, my grandmother, Pauline Taylor, 05:38 my family rooted in the church. 05:41 But to have someone just pull you aside, 05:44 you weren't about basketball 05:46 and going in, you were about learning, 05:49 and being meticulous 05:51 and how you carry yourself and sit up in church. 05:54 I never saw you slouching. 05:56 And the one thing, you love the Lord. 05:59 You love the Lord. Tell me why? 06:01 With you, I remember, 06:05 I was told that it's not what's on the plate 06:08 that makes the meal. 06:10 You were sitting next table. 06:12 You can have a steak and egg, 06:14 sauce, steak and potato and salad, 06:16 wrong people at your table, 06:18 inner gesture. 06:19 You got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, 06:22 put the right people at your table, 06:24 you dine well. 06:26 You were with friends. 06:31 And they weren't your type of friends. 06:34 And if you want to know 06:36 what a child or person is going to be in life, 06:39 it's not who they talk to on the phone or the internet, 06:42 it's look what their friends are 06:45 and then you will define where they're going in life. 06:49 The certain people that you had around you at that time 06:52 were not your friends. 06:54 It was not you. 06:55 I knew you as a kid, 06:57 because David was in the same class I was, 07:00 your uncle. 07:01 I know your brother Derek, you know, and I know, Kim. 07:07 These people that you were with, 07:09 not that they were no good, 07:13 it's just wasn't your level. 07:15 And they were taking you in another direction. 07:18 And I understand them. 07:20 But when I saw you with them, 07:23 where are you going, what you're doing girl. 07:25 And what I meant was, what are you doing with them. 07:29 Now, it's not that I'm so old. 07:31 It wasn't that I was a teacher or anything like that. 07:36 David was my boy. 07:37 I mean, David was my friend. 07:38 Well, he wasn't around. 07:40 I know your parents, you know my parents. 07:43 And I didn't know where you were going, 07:45 what you were doing 07:46 and what you would do if I weren't around. 07:48 I'm just home from school, what you're doing? 07:51 Yes. 07:52 You know, and it was a wake up to you and, 07:54 but you immediately corrected what you were doing. 07:58 Oh, yes. 07:59 And that told me, you know, you never give advice to people 08:02 who don't ask. 08:04 They'll never receive it 08:05 in the atmosphere in which you give them. 08:06 And when I gave you that little tip, you changed. 08:11 I did. I did. 08:13 I stopped associating 08:15 and they thought I was what we're not good enough. 08:17 No, it's not that I'm on a different direction, 08:20 different path. 08:22 You and Sister Lucille Shade and Amroden 08:25 that you three were my wake up calls. 08:28 And I knew I could do better with myself. 08:31 Not judging anyone else, 08:34 and I saw the way that again you loved the Lord, 08:37 your father loved the Lord, 08:38 your mother, she loved praising the Lord. 08:42 Sister Royster and I was just a little girl, 08:44 but she would love and your father would come in, 08:47 tall and strong in that brown trench coat, 08:50 that nice hat, 08:52 and he was then there praising God leading out. 08:56 And so with that, 08:58 recognizing that you've had some challenges. 09:01 Let's talk about the loss of your daughter? 09:04 Well, I was a funeral director. 09:07 I had been one for about 10-15 years. 09:11 And I had my eldest daughter, 09:14 who was at the University of Michigan, 09:16 she had gone through in three years, 09:19 already accepted in law school. 09:21 She was doing pre-recs, 09:23 so she came home for the first time one summer 09:27 and she was stepped out on the porch 09:31 and she was rolling her hair. 09:34 Someone came by shooting at someone else, 09:36 shot my daughter. 09:39 I was lost. 09:44 I was in so much pain 09:46 and loss so many tears 09:49 that I never thought I could cry again. 09:53 I was at the house for two days in a room, 09:58 hadn't bathe, I'm sitting there, 10:01 at on the sun, porch floored room. 10:05 And everyone's waiting on me 'cause I'm the director, 10:09 I'm the funeral director of the family, 10:11 so nobody bothered me. 10:13 And I was in another world. 10:16 A friend of mine came over who owns another funeral home, 10:19 not the one where I was working. 10:21 He came in and start talking about football. 10:25 When we retire, 10:26 we're going to go and travel to the different HBCU classics 10:30 and watch the games. 10:31 And he came in talking about what is Harvard going to do, 10:36 you know, Florida A&M was good this year, 10:38 Tennessee state is better, 10:40 but Livingstone is going to get them on. 10:42 He just starts talking about football. 10:44 And he got me into it, then all of a sudden, he said, 10:48 "What are you going to do?" 10:51 I said, "Oh my." 10:54 He says, 10:55 "What you do is you pick the day, 10:58 pick the place, pick the time, 11:02 and we'll do the rest." 11:04 And he's talking about his firm, other firm, 11:09 the firm I work with. 11:11 And they were going to come together 11:12 my friends in mortuary site 11:15 and do everything for me. 11:16 Don't worry about it. 11:23 That experience 11:28 changed my entire life, 11:30 especially when it comes to services and funerals. 11:34 I critiqued everything, 11:36 not knowing that I was doing that. 11:39 There were times prior to that, 11:42 get away, get away, let the people breathe. 11:45 But when it was my turn, I needed someone to touch me. 11:50 What you going out to church for? 11:52 Funeral's inside the church? 11:54 But when it was my turn, 11:56 I couldn't breathe. 11:58 There were so many things that I was told. 12:02 When the head director was closing the casket, 12:07 "Wait a minute, hold on, 12:10 let me tuck my baby in for the night." 12:15 And when I got there, I had some words with her. 12:20 And then I took the overlay and I tucked it down. 12:23 If you know the overlay, it goes over the casket, 12:25 and then I brought it up to her neck 12:27 as though I was tucking her in. 12:30 And then I closed her slowly 12:33 and still had that conversation. 12:36 This is my time with you, my baby. 12:40 We were extremely close. 12:43 She could start a sentence and I could finish, 12:45 that's how close we were. 12:48 On the way to the cemetery 12:50 there are people laughing as we're going along outside. 12:53 And I'm saying, 12:54 "Why you people laughing, my daughter died." 12:58 They didn't know my daughter. 13:00 But it taught me not to laugh at services. 13:02 So everything that was going on. 13:06 I brought it back to when I returned to work. 13:10 And I start doing it to the families. 13:14 It was a way of my being on the other side. 13:17 And having firsthand knowledge, what you were going through. 13:22 And so I was much more sensitive 13:25 to your feelings. 13:26 And I did a lot of listening. 13:29 Funeral directors have to listen 13:31 and not talk so much 13:33 to get a mood where you are. 13:36 And then I will come to where you are 13:38 in your challenge of grief. 13:40 All that lesson came from my daughter's death, 13:44 even to the point where it was years later, 13:47 and I'm at a new firm. 13:50 I have a huge service here. 13:53 I got seven limos, the church is packed. 13:59 Only one limo driver knew me 14:01 and knew my experience with my daughter. 14:03 None of the other drivers I knew at the firm. 14:06 When I get out I go in as a director, 14:09 they will come to me and share with me 14:12 all the particulars about the church 14:13 who's in charge, where they're sitting, 14:16 what the preacher said, 14:17 if he's going to commit that, 14:18 they'll bring all that information to me, 14:20 the director, 14:21 but the person who brought it to me, 14:22 hugged me and said you're going to be all right. 14:25 I'm thinking he's talking about you are new at this firm, 14:28 not knowing about my daughter. 14:31 When I walked into the church, 14:32 bam, at the front of the church, 14:34 there's my daughter's caskets, same casket, same hardware. 14:39 As I walked down, my heart is beating. 14:43 There's a young lady in there, same age as my daughter, 14:47 same university, 14:52 same cause of death, 14:54 a little different, it's the gunshot 14:56 but she was talked into coming to her boyfriend's home 15:02 to get her belongings. 15:04 And when she got there, 15:06 he killed her stating if no one can have you, 15:10 if I can't have you no one can. 15:12 And here, same age young lady had everything going for her, 15:18 and somebody shot her. 15:21 I've got to direct this funeral. 15:25 And you can't cry at a funeral as a director, 15:30 you lose respect from the families. 15:32 What you crying for? This ain't your family. 15:34 So you can't cry. 15:35 So you're holding everything in. 15:37 So when you have those tears, 15:39 you're trained to just take that handkerchief 15:42 and just wipe the sweat off 15:43 your brow to come down on your eyes, 15:45 but I'm trembling. 15:47 The minister is right there. 15:49 As I'm getting ready to close, I'm trembling. 15:52 He knows me. 15:53 He steps around the pulpit and he says, 15:56 "Royster, are you okay?" 15:57 "I got this pastor, I got this." 15:59 But then the father gets up and he stops me. 16:04 And he says, 16:05 "Before you do this, Mr. Director, 16:08 let me say something to my daughter." 16:11 The same thing, I said to my daughter, 16:14 he was saying same thing. 16:16 Now you talking about blowing my hair. 16:19 Now I'm trying to be professional, 16:21 trying to stand there and be strong. 16:24 But I'm trembling. 16:27 My eyes are red. 16:29 And so when he touched me on the back, he says, 16:33 "Tuck my baby in for the night." 16:35 Same thing I said. 16:38 And as I close, I locked and sealed. 16:41 I presented him the key to the casket. 16:44 And I walked out. 16:47 The drivers of the limo 16:48 who don't know what my history was 16:50 with my daughter, 16:52 they're looking at me like, "Is he crazy?" 16:54 Because now once I got out the door, 16:57 I'm going to the basement, 16:59 I'm getting in a corner 17:00 and I'm in uncontrollable tears. 17:02 It's just out there, man. 17:04 I'm just gone. 17:05 And my drivers are saying, 17:09 "What's wrong with him? 17:10 You know, he's supposed to be this director 17:11 coming over to this firm that he can't handle this." 17:14 But the guy who knew me, 17:16 came to my rescue. 17:18 And he says, "Come on y'all, let's go." 17:19 And explain to them 17:21 what my challenge was on that day. 17:23 Now that father and I became close friends 17:28 because we went through that same experience. 17:31 Let me say this, viewers, 17:32 you know, we know, as Seventh-day Adventist, 17:35 the state of the dead, they know nothing. 17:39 I remember when Arthur passed away, 17:42 and Mr. Royster, I made one call to this man. 17:46 And that's everything else was put in place. 17:49 Mr. Royster handled everything for me. 17:53 When I went down to, 17:55 I was the last one to go to the casket 17:58 before my children, 18:00 I closed it. 18:01 And don't misinterpret 18:04 when he says I wanted to say words to my daughter. 18:07 We know that dead knows nothing. 18:09 But there are times when people need a moment, 18:12 because that's the last time they will see them 18:13 until that trumpet shall sound, 18:16 and the dead in Christ shall rise. 18:18 So we know that the dead cannot hear us. 18:22 We know that they are sleeping in the Lord. 18:24 That's our prayer. 18:26 But there are times when people need to stand up. 18:28 I stood next to that casket in, 18:31 you stood behind me 18:32 and I just needed that moment to just that was the last time, 18:38 you know, and my children came up 18:40 and you orchestrated us closing it for the last time. 18:46 And I cannot say 18:48 how much I appreciate all the way, 18:50 you never left my side. 18:52 From the moment we arrived at my home, 18:56 you're at the church, 18:58 then went on to the cemetery, went on to the repast. 19:03 And then you dismissed the cars and everything. 19:06 Still every day 19:08 checking on me, calling me, are you're all right. 19:10 And I remember making the call to you and saying. 19:13 And it was early in the morning because he passed about 1:00. 19:15 About 3 o'clock. 19:16 It was 3 o'clock in the morning when I called you. 19:19 And I said, Bobby, 19:21 you know, that's what I call you, 19:22 Bobby, you know, Arthur just passed. 19:26 And you said, "All right, let me make a call." 19:29 And by 5 AM in the morning, 19:32 Cole Funeral Home was there at my home 19:34 to take Arthur. 19:36 So I do understand having that moment. 19:40 And some people talk. 19:43 And we don't want to judge people 19:45 but we know as Seventh-day Adventist, 19:47 the state of the dead know nothing. 19:48 Well, you know, Dr. Logan, 19:52 one of the challenges as a director is 19:57 believers versus nonbelievers. 20:01 How do you comfort someone that's a nonbeliever? 20:07 What the Supreme Being tells us is 20:10 never run from your pain, 20:12 lean into the pain and I got you. 20:17 He says the three Hebrew boys, I could have put that fire out. 20:21 But I let them get in it. 20:23 But I got in there with them. Yes, He did. 20:25 And what He says is lean into the pain 20:28 and I got you. 20:30 Don't run. 20:31 I don't have time to chase you, lean into it. 20:35 Now, nonbelievers, 20:38 well, you can't lean into something 20:40 you know nothing about. 20:42 So you lean into things like alcohol, tahini, smoke, 20:47 the blunts and you, 20:49 but that will soon disappear and the pain is still there. 20:52 But when the Supreme Being says, 20:54 lean into me, and I got you. 20:57 That's what He means. 20:59 And so we know that dead knoweth not, 21:02 but that spirit. 21:03 Well said. 21:04 And that Supreme Being God, God is our total all in all, 21:09 there is no other God. 21:10 There's no other name, 21:11 given among men whereby we can be saved. 21:14 Let me tell you, a nonbeliever says things like 21:16 leave the casket open so he can hear. 21:19 Is that right? 21:20 I had one the other day 21:22 when the gentlemen always wore sunglasses, 21:26 and I had three daughters there, 21:27 and they just didn't look like themselves. 21:30 So once they put his glasses on, 21:32 his sun, he always wore. 21:33 And they put the sunglasses on. 21:35 That's him. 21:36 He looks just like them. 21:38 The other one said, 21:39 No, he can't see with the sunglasses on. 21:42 Nonbelievers view things different than believers. 21:46 And when I direct a service of a believer, 21:49 so much easier, 21:51 because they understand, I miss this shell. 21:54 I miss this body. 21:56 But I know he's not lost. 21:58 I mean, we didn't lose nobody, 22:00 you know, I'm sorry for your loss. 22:01 What do you mean? 22:03 He didn't lost, we know where he is. 22:04 Yes, resting in the Lord. 22:06 There we go. 22:07 How do you set boundaries being a funeral director? 22:09 Well, you know, years ago, I had a driver 22:14 that when he got to the church, he was dressed inappropriately. 22:19 Nothing matched. 22:21 Nothing. 22:23 And when I brought it to his attention, 22:24 his answer was, nothing wrong with this. 22:27 It ain't none but a job. 22:29 Well, if you view it just a job, 22:31 then your dress like it's just a job. 22:34 Your treat the family as just a job. 22:37 Your whole attitude is just a job. 22:40 But if you use it as a job, or profession, 22:45 and a ministry, 22:46 and the ministry is 22:48 to make the hurt not hurt so bad. 22:52 And that's when you involve the Supreme Being 22:56 that you know about, and you share it. 22:59 Because everybody views God in their own way. 23:01 In their own way. 23:03 Everybody pray differently. People will praise. 23:05 And you know, because I'm loud into, you know. 23:10 And people look at me, like a man turned around, 23:12 looked at me the other Sabbath, and I was so full of joy, 23:15 but I didn't let it deter me. 23:17 I just kept praising the Lord 23:18 because I've so much to thank Him for. 23:21 And some people cry. 23:23 Some people just fan themselves 23:25 or they just can't even say a word. 23:28 And I know that and you knew Arthur, 23:31 he was a quiet soul. 23:33 And Arthur would say, 23:34 "Are you going to get excited today in church?" 23:36 I said, "It just depends on the word, all right?" 23:38 He said, "Let me know so I can get out your way." 23:40 But it's all an understanding of what God has done, 23:45 and what God is doing. 23:48 I know that you miss your daughter very much. 23:51 I know that 23:53 memories aren't going to always be there for you. 23:56 You know, 23:59 I cannot tell you, 24:01 the day she died. 24:04 Because after that shalom period, the one year 24:07 never remember the date of death. 24:09 It's not important. 24:10 I know it was in August, it was hot so on, 24:13 but I can tell you to date of birth. 24:15 And in the industry 24:19 I'm known nationwide 24:22 as the guy who has a rose on all of his suits. 24:27 That's for my daughter. 24:28 This rose represents her date of birth. 24:32 And on her date of birth, 24:33 our family sends gifts out in her name. 24:38 So there are people 24:39 who literally think she's still alive, 24:42 because we will send flowers to nursing homes, 24:45 will give gifts to children who need a backpack or sweater 24:50 in Shanida's name. 24:52 So the date of birth is so important, 24:54 but I can't tell you that date of death. 24:58 How many... 25:01 There's no way you can count how many services you've done, 25:04 but does any particular service 25:08 when you know somebody like myself, 25:10 what you had to do for Arthur, 25:12 when you know them? 25:13 Is it any difference when you don't know the family? 25:17 Is it the same for you? 25:19 When it's personal, you step it up a notch. 25:24 The professionalism has to come in. 25:27 And the sensitivity takes over everything. 25:30 Because you know the individual, 25:33 and you know, when they're in pain, 25:36 and so your professionalism comes in 25:39 and all your training is to make her hurt, 25:42 their hurt not hurt so bad. 25:44 And so you bring in all your resources. 25:47 So I know and I look at your eyes. 25:50 I know if you're about to fall. 25:52 I'm not looking just for the tears. 25:54 I'm looking because I'm getting into your body. 25:57 And I know Kim will smile. 26:00 But it's not a smile of joy, it's a smile of pain 26:03 because I know Kim. 26:05 And so now there's a way I have to hold you, 26:07 I have to call for the nurse, bring me some tissues. 26:10 Get her. 26:12 And so now it's personal. 26:15 When it's children, 26:16 it's really personal and it hurts. 26:19 It hurts. 26:20 So how do you get away from that? 26:22 You go, and you go into something else. 26:24 I love comedies. 26:27 And I can't tell you the next day 26:29 who I buried the next day without really thinking. 26:32 You critique what you do 26:34 because you always want to be better. 26:36 If I make a mistake, 26:38 I'll spend time kicking myself for that mistake, 26:41 but only for a few minutes. 26:43 But then the rest of the time is 26:45 how do I correct that 26:47 because it's going to come up again. 26:48 Gonna come up again. 26:50 We have about half a minute closing words, 26:53 what would you say to anyone viewing this program right now? 27:00 Hug and don't take life for granted. 27:04 Hug, whatever you're doing in life, 27:07 you are affecting others. 27:09 Please remember that. 27:10 So that hug you may give to someone 27:13 could be a hug 27:15 that a person who was contemplating suicide 27:17 the night before. 27:19 Whatever you do on this planet, 27:21 your journey is always affecting others, 27:23 make it positive. 27:25 Make it positive. 27:26 Well, I want to thank Mr. Robert Royster 27:28 for being my special guest 27:30 on the Dare to Dream Network, Live To Be Well. 27:32 Not only that, 27:33 but my mentor for many, many years 27:36 and still my mentor today. 27:38 We always need someone to pour into us 27:40 as we pour into others. 27:42 And I know all I have to do is pick up the phone 27:45 as I did for him to be here today. 27:48 He's a very, very busy man, 27:50 very well-known and appreciate, 27:51 God has blessed him tremendously. 27:53 He's enlarged his territory and made room for his gifts. 27:57 The same thing that God did for him, 27:59 He will do for you. 28:01 Lean on God, and live to be well. 28:03 God bless. |
Revised 2021-09-28