Urban Report

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: , Lecia Marr-Bromley, Shelley Chatmon Hall

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Series Code: UBR

Program Code: UBR000223A


00:01 Do you have elderly people that you care about?
00:03 Do you know someone with dementia?
00:06 Are you concerned about having it yourself
00:08 or wonder what the symptoms are?
00:10 Well, stay tuned to meet two women
00:12 who can address those concerns and more.
00:15 My name is Yvonne Lewis
00:16 and you're watching Urban Report.
00:42 Hello and welcome to Urban Report.
00:44 My guests today are Shelley Chatmon Hall,
00:47 speaker and author
00:49 of "Dad's Got Dementia, Life After Diagnoses".
00:52 And Lecia Marr-Bromley, Director of SDA Elderly Care.
00:57 Welcome to Urban Report, my dear sisters.
00:59 Thank you for having us. Thank you for having us.
01:01 Absolutely, absolutely,
01:03 this is such an important topic
01:06 and one of the things that I'm so impressed about
01:09 is that not only do both of you
01:12 bring information about dementia
01:15 but you've also had firsthand experience with it.
01:20 Talk to us about your journey with dementia.
01:23 Let's start with you, Shelley. Sure.
01:25 So my father was diagnosed with dementia in 2010.
01:30 And what lead to his diagnosis were multiple things.
01:36 One of them including losing money,
01:38 large amounts of money,
01:40 a house that the note was not being paid,
01:44 cars not being paid for, and other incidents,
01:49 other health issues that brought on the diagnosis.
01:52 So stress can bring on dementia?
01:55 It can, yes.
01:58 That was not his issue, his issue was brought on...
02:01 He has vascular dementia which is a blood supply issue.
02:07 So he was having mini strokes and those go undetected
02:11 and so it eventually built up to
02:13 where it was affecting his memory.
02:15 Wow.
02:17 And so how did that impact the family?
02:19 When you first found out about his diagnosis,
02:24 was he in an advance state?
02:27 Where was he?
02:28 And how did that impact your family?
02:30 Well, first I would say that
02:32 just hearing the diagnosis was devastating.
02:36 We... I have...
02:38 there are five siblings
02:39 and we really had to kick it into high gear.
02:43 Because when he received the diagnosis,
02:47 that's where all of the bills
02:49 and all of those things were going awry
02:51 so we had to kick in a number of different resources
02:55 to try to put the pieces back together.
02:58 So we had to look at his health and what was going on there.
03:01 We had to look at he and my mother's finances
03:04 and what was going on there.
03:06 And we also had to relocate my parents
03:09 so that they could be closer to us,
03:11 not really knowing at that time what we were in store for.
03:17 And we're gonna come back and find out more.
03:19 What about you, Lecia,
03:20 what's been your experience with them?
03:22 Yes, my mother's had it for about,
03:24 had dementia for about eight years.
03:28 But that also to add is that she also had a stroke as well.
03:33 And during that time we started noticing things
03:37 that just was not right.
03:40 She started...
03:42 She usually loves to be in the kitchen and cook
03:45 and then after a while
03:47 she didn't know where things went.
03:49 She didn't know, remember to turn the stove off,
03:54 she went to the bathroom
03:56 and would leave the water running.
03:58 We started...
03:59 Then we started realizing that there is something wrong here
04:02 that Mom needs to get checked.
04:05 So when we did they found, they told us
04:08 that she was diagnosed with dementia.
04:11 And, of course, like she also had the mini strokes
04:15 and we did not know at that time
04:17 that she had those strokes.
04:20 So it became a life adjustment for not just for her
04:25 but for her children as well.
04:28 'Cause then we were in a position as to say
04:32 "Okay, Mom can't be alone
04:34 she's gonna need someone in the home with her."
04:36 And that starts a whole another process.
04:40 It's so interesting, isn't it?
04:42 How when we're young our parents take care of us
04:46 and then when we get older we have to take care of them?
04:51 At least if you're, you know, a good, good child that you,
04:56 you want to take care of your family member.
05:01 In my own family, my grandmother had dementia.
05:08 And it's unsettling
05:10 because the person that they were
05:13 they begin to exhibit other things
05:16 and so you begin to feel like,
05:18 "Oh, wow, this is, okay, I have to deal with this,"
05:22 each thing you just have to adjust to.
05:26 So it's not just what you are saying
05:29 is essentially it's not just the person
05:32 that has dementia
05:33 that has to do a lot of adjustment,
05:35 it's also the family
05:36 because that person becomes different.
05:41 What kinds of things did you notice differently
05:43 in your dad?
05:45 Well, my father is he still is a, he's a big man,
05:50 he's just a big man.
05:52 And he's always been able to walk into a room
05:56 and just kind of command the room
05:58 not doing anything extra but just his demeanor.
06:02 And what I started to notice was that
06:04 he had some childlike behaviors that just started surfacing,
06:09 whether it was a giggle
06:11 or I mean it was just totally out of character for him.
06:15 So those are some of the things that were really
06:17 while it was harmless it was really just unsettling
06:21 because I had never seen that in him,
06:24 he was always a strong person, a strong figure.
06:29 So to see that was, you know,
06:32 at the least just very unsettling.
06:35 Yeah.
06:36 And you already shared some of the things
06:37 your mom was doing, leaving the water on,
06:39 and not cooking like she was, is there anything else?
06:42 Yes, she became withdrawn.
06:46 Withdrawn.
06:47 She was in her own personal world.
06:51 She was not as outgoing as she used to be,
06:54 she's in a crowd
06:56 she doesn't participate in conversations.
07:01 She just quietly withdrew.
07:04 It changes the personality of the person.
07:09 It just really, it changes them significantly.
07:14 What's the difference between dementia and Alzheimer's?
07:17 Well, that that's actually an excellent question
07:20 and while I am not a medical professional,
07:22 I've learned a whole lot.
07:24 And dementia is actually, there is an umbrella
07:28 if we had an illustration.
07:30 Dementia is just that's what they call
07:33 all of these symptoms that affect the memory.
07:37 So, Alzheimer's actually falls under the umbrella of dementia
07:42 as does vascular dementia
07:44 or other types of memory issues.
07:48 So there could be alcohol induced dementia
07:51 things along those lines.
07:53 And you said your dad had vascular?
07:55 He has vascular
07:56 which is blood flow, blood supply.
07:59 And he had the strokes so they were related?
08:03 Right.
08:05 What led you to write the book?
08:07 Tell us about your book.
08:08 So, this book actually it started with me vlogging
08:14 and I would vlog
08:15 which is a video with some type.
08:18 So I've vlogged a lot, it was therapeutic,
08:22 plus a lot of people were asking
08:24 about how my father was doing.
08:26 So I felt like that would be a good way for me
08:28 to show them how he's doing
08:30 and to give a few tips along the way.
08:33 Well, I started receiving different inbox messages
08:38 about other individuals
08:40 who were going through the same thing.
08:42 And so I would answer those questions
08:45 as best I could,
08:47 and then I decided, "You know what?
08:49 I think it would be a good idea just to put it on paper
08:52 so that other people can benefit."
08:55 And initially we had to go through a lot of research,
09:00 we had to figure things out by trial and error,
09:03 and I just felt like it would be good
09:04 if someone could just pick up a quick easy read
09:08 and get the answers.
09:09 And it is just that I read it and it is excellent.
09:14 It's got all little points in it.
09:16 It talks about what you went through with your dad
09:20 and then things to look for.
09:22 Right.
09:23 So let's talk about from the beginning.
09:26 Like, once you found out you say that,
09:30 once you got the diagnosis.
09:33 How did you and your family go into high gear?
09:35 What did you do?
09:37 Well, it was totally unplanned this high gear thing
09:40 that we went into,
09:42 but we really had to address what we knew.
09:45 We knew that he had dementia
09:48 he was not being treated in any way for dementia
09:52 so we had to look at his medical.
09:54 What did we need to take over medically
09:57 and who did we need to get him in touch with,
10:00 from a medical community perspective.
10:03 So we looked at the medical side
10:05 and then we looked at financial.
10:07 Because that was a big impact, you know, his condition
10:11 it really impacted my parents' finances.
10:15 They lost their home, they lost cars
10:18 because of him not being able to pay bills.
10:23 So we took over the bills
10:25 and we got them squared away there.
10:28 Like I said, we had to relocate them
10:30 because we didn't know what was coming
10:32 but just from what we saw
10:34 we felt it would be easier to control
10:36 if we could move them closer to us so that we could help.
10:40 And we didn't even begin to think about things like,
10:43 "Okay, he won't be able to drive soon,
10:45 or should he really be driving even now."
10:48 Those were things that we discovered
10:51 once we moved them closer to us.
10:54 What about you? Yes.
10:56 What, what are some of the things
10:58 that you initially did
11:01 when you found out your mom had dementia?
11:03 Well, I had to make sure that she was eating properly
11:08 that was very important
11:11 'cause now she's not able to feed herself like she used to.
11:15 And then the activities of daily living,
11:19 we had to make sure
11:20 that she's able to dress herself,
11:23 make sure that someone's there to,
11:25 she could feed herself so that wasn't a problem,
11:28 but just to prepare the meals.
11:31 Proper hygiene you notice that,
11:33 "Okay, Mom's not brushing her teeth like she used to,
11:36 she forgot she didn't remember, you know,
11:40 when's the last time she brushed her teeth."
11:43 And that's not like my mother at all.
11:48 So there was some adjustments,
11:50 we had to make sure that we had someone there
11:53 to come into the home to make sure help her
11:56 with her daily living activities
11:58 until someone came home to stay with her at night.
12:02 And, well, actually my sister who moved in with her
12:06 so she stayed there at night, during the daytime
12:09 we had someone to come in and care for her daily needs.
12:13 So what I'm hearing is,
12:15 when you first get this diagnosis
12:19 it's really important to get the family together
12:23 to talk about a plan of action.
12:26 How are we going to help our parent continue in the,
12:33 if possible in the style to which they were accustomed
12:36 if not if that's not possible how we're gonna help them
12:39 just from day to day?
12:40 What are we gonna do?
12:42 And that's gonna be an interesting place to be
12:45 because now you've got the dynamics within the family,
12:49 you know, well, who's gonna take control?
12:51 Who's gonna be in charge?
12:53 And then the other ones might not like it so, I mean,
12:57 all of these things are things that have to be considered
13:00 I would imagine, would you agree?
13:02 Right, I would definitely agree.
13:04 That was one of the things
13:06 that we had to just come to grips with.
13:09 There are five of us, very strong personalities.
13:13 The girls think we know it all.
13:15 Where are you in the birth order?
13:17 I am second to the youngest
13:20 but probably one of the most vocal.
13:22 Okay.
13:23 So we had to come together and the girls
13:26 there are three girls and two boys,
13:28 the girls we really took the lead
13:30 and our brothers
13:31 they provide us with the support.
13:35 So we did have to come together and we just worked out a plan
13:39 of how we could tackle this thing.
13:41 And as my father continued to progress
13:44 and we needed that care that in-home care and support,
13:49 my oldest brother decided to not work
13:53 and he is a fulltime caregiver for my father during the day,
13:58 Monday through Friday, and on weekends,
14:01 we come in and help because, you know,
14:04 we work at other places and have life going on.
14:07 So we help on the weekends as well.
14:10 So it really is a challenge
14:12 but if you're not on the same page
14:14 that's when it's time to get on the same page.
14:18 What about you?
14:20 I have to say almost the same.
14:22 I'm also the second youngest in my family
14:25 and we have eight siblings.
14:28 My mother and father had eight children together.
14:31 And it came a point where I had to stop
14:37 and become a fulltime caregiver,
14:40 which I...which birthed SDA Elderly Care.
14:45 That's a good place to go into.
14:47 What is SDA Elderly Care?
14:49 Okay, SDA Elderly Care
14:52 is a referral service and a registry.
14:56 Under the registry we provide in-home care
15:01 and under the referral service
15:03 we provide starting with housing we would say
15:09 maybe 55 plus communities, affordable housing,
15:15 shared housing for seniors, empty nesters would provide
15:19 these types of homes, retires, medical staff
15:23 and social workers.
15:26 So we open that door for individuals
15:29 that may have a respite problem where they say,
15:33 "Well, you know, it can be overwhelming.
15:36 I need to have someone to take care of my mom
15:38 during the day or either, you know,
15:40 we'd have someone take care of mom in a home setting."
15:45 So and they would rent a room which is really affordable,
15:50 which includes utilities and more than likely
15:52 there is a caregiver there.
15:54 We refer to assisted living facilities,
15:56 we refer to nursing homes,
15:58 and we also refer to 55 plus communities.
16:03 See, this is wonderful
16:04 because it's like one stop shopping, right?
16:06 Yes.
16:08 So depending on what the needs are
16:10 and I would assume that you assess the need...
16:11 We do.
16:12 Whatever that need is,
16:14 then you can make the referral to either housing
16:19 or somebody coming in to the home
16:22 and caring for the person, all of that.
16:25 And how did you get to the place of starting this,
16:29 this program?
16:31 How did you get to the place?
16:32 Well, when I started researching
16:35 for help for my mom,
16:36 I realized there's a lot of help out there
16:39 but is so, it's all over the place.
16:41 Mmm.
16:42 It's nice to know that
16:44 you can come to a one stop place
16:46 because there's...
16:48 the over the years of doing this
16:50 I've built a resource,
16:52 strong resources for the elderly
16:55 where we can provide that type of services.
16:58 If you, whatever you need we are involved.
17:01 We are there to find out how we can help and assist.
17:05 I've did this because I realized that I needed help
17:09 and I know that there would be others out there
17:12 that's gonna need this type of help
17:13 and where do they go?
17:15 Wouldn't it be nice to know that
17:16 they can go to a one stop shop for seniors
17:19 to be able to find all their needs?
17:22 It's great.
17:23 And we're gonna put your website up
17:25 so that people can know how to reach you
17:27 because this is again this is a critical issue.
17:31 Where do you go? What do you do?
17:33 Like, once you get that diagnosis right,
17:36 Shelley, wouldn't it have been great to have known
17:38 about the SDA Elderly Care?
17:40 Yeah, would have been great
17:41 but we didn't have any resources
17:44 so at that point we were just, you know,
17:46 you had to research and figure it out.
17:48 Yes, and that's one of things I love about your book.
17:51 You go through the process of how to do it,
17:56 and then we can go to Lecia's programs,
18:00 SDA Elderly Care, for the actual treatment
18:03 and you are all over and you...
18:06 Our viewers need to know
18:07 you don't have to be Seventh-day Adventist
18:09 to be a part of this, correct?
18:11 Correct.
18:12 We are a nationwide service
18:14 so we provide the service across the nation.
18:17 We network with many different services
18:19 to make this happen.
18:22 Very importantly, I'd like to stress that
18:26 if a family realizes that someone is coming down
18:30 with dementia and you realize that there's a diagnosis
18:34 or maybe not even a diagnosis of dementia but forgetfulness.
18:39 So good idea, that they follow certain steps.
18:42 Oh, let's talk about that.
18:45 The steps that I'd like to stress is that,
18:48 first thing you'd want to do is
18:49 to consider maybe power of attorney.
18:54 Have someone that you would like
18:56 to take charge of your affairs
18:59 in case it does happen that you have dementia.
19:02 It helps in a family setting as well.
19:06 'Cause sometimes you want to know
19:08 who's gonna be in charge
19:09 and then you have all these chiefs
19:13 and not much Indians.
19:14 Right, right.
19:15 So it's kind of nice to know
19:17 that Mom's appointed one person.
19:21 The other list would be a list of her medications,
19:24 very important.
19:26 It's important that she writes these down
19:28 so we'll have that information.
19:30 And now you're saying to do these things before,
19:35 do them as soon as possible,
19:36 like before the dementia has been diagnosed even.
19:40 Because you do need to know, you know,
19:43 who does mom or dad want to be in charge
19:47 and what medications are they on, good, a power of attorney.
19:52 Yes.
19:53 A list of your important documents,
19:56 it helps the family.
19:59 You also want to make a list of likes and, you know,
20:03 things that you like to do, things you don't like to do.
20:06 'Cause later on, you know,
20:08 even though you may not be aware
20:11 it's important that we treat you
20:13 with dignity and respect.
20:16 That's another thing and then last of all,
20:19 two last things.
20:21 A to-do list of your daily living activities
20:26 so you can keep routine,
20:28 someone will know this is how you've lived your life,
20:31 this is what you like to do.
20:34 In cases like ours, we've got families to kind of help
20:37 along the way with this.
20:39 But what happens to those that don't have family members?
20:43 It'd be a good idea, so someone that doesn't know you
20:46 and know your activities of your daily living,
20:49 you have this all written down and last of all a living will.
20:54 Why is that important?
20:57 When you've got siblings a lot of them,
21:01 things can happen not just even if you don't have siblings,
21:06 you know, you want to know do I do you want someone
21:09 to resuscitate.
21:12 You don't want anyone to resuscitate.
21:15 Who's gonna take over who's gonna, you know,
21:18 when you divide your, your means of living
21:22 to your siblings or your spouse, you know,
21:27 you want to be able to know this is what I would want
21:29 and I would want my property to go here,
21:32 I'd like to donate it to the church,
21:35 I'd like to donate it to 3ABN,
21:38 these are important things that you want
21:40 and you really need to have in writing
21:43 so your family will not have to guess exactly
21:48 what your intentions would be.
21:50 How do you wanna be buried?
21:52 Do you want, do you wanna be cremated?
21:55 Do you wanna be buried in a certain cemetery?
21:58 Things that you would know and you only would know
22:03 that you'd want to be able to share
22:04 with someone you trust.
22:06 Oh, that's good.
22:07 What do you think about that, Shelley?
22:09 I actually loved hearing all of those steps.
22:12 They are very similar to what I wrote about,
22:15 but like you mentioned,
22:17 those are things that you don't think about
22:20 on the front end
22:22 and we really should be thinking about those.
22:24 So now, we don't really have to guess
22:28 because we are family
22:29 so we know the things my father would love to do,
22:32 things that might irritate him, so we can avoid those things.
22:37 We know he loves to be outside,
22:39 so we take him outside and for car rides
22:42 and things like that.
22:44 But just being prepared,
22:46 it just makes the whole process smoother
22:49 so you can really just focus on him.
22:51 Yes, yes, and I want to put your website up as well
22:55 because I want people to know how to get this book
22:59 and how to just walk through all of this.
23:03 How, how do you go through this journey?
23:06 You go through it step-by-step with the information
23:10 that both of you are giving to us
23:12 and it's super important.
23:15 What are some of the resources, Lecia,
23:18 what are some of the resources out there
23:21 that that you found for people around the country
23:24 different organizations that help with different things?
23:26 There's so many.
23:28 We have the United Way, there's also the Area on Aging,
23:33 very big resource.
23:36 There are many different social services
23:38 that are out there that can help.
23:41 Some people will start with different agencies.
23:46 There is so many I've got such a list,
23:48 the list goes on and on,
23:50 but the top names would probably be
23:52 the Area on Aging,
23:54 I just wish that I had a book like this
23:57 so I could, you know, read and really understand it.
24:00 I really suggest strongly that, anyone that's listening,
24:05 it's really nice to read up on it,
24:07 find out about it.
24:09 Be prepared.
24:10 It'll make your life a whole lot easier.
24:15 So the first step
24:18 with an aging parent is to do what,
24:23 the very first step that you would recommend?
24:28 even if they're not showing any signs of dementia
24:30 or even illness, is power of attorney.
24:34 She mentioned that.
24:36 Medical and financial, that is important
24:40 so that you can even navigate
24:42 when you're taking your elderly parents
24:44 to the doctor,
24:46 and also being a participant in those doctor's appointments.
24:50 Once you reach a certain age,
24:52 a lot of people are not as sharp
24:54 as they used to be
24:56 so it's always good to have that support.
24:59 And I remember once my father was diagnosed
25:02 I really started paying attention
25:04 to people around me,
25:06 and I went to my own doctor's appointment,
25:09 and I saw a husband and wife who were elderly,
25:12 and they started filling out their paperwork
25:15 to be seen by a doctor.
25:17 Meanwhile, I had gone in, I had gone to my visit,
25:21 and when I came out
25:22 they were still struggling with that paperwork.
25:25 And that just touched me because they were older
25:28 they probably did not have dementia
25:30 but they needed that support.
25:33 So those things are really, really important
25:35 just from the very beginning.
25:37 That power of attorney is critical.
25:40 The power of attorney for my dad
25:42 and I'm always asked are you the POA,
25:45 are you the POA and if once you say,
25:48 yes, they can discuss everything with you
25:50 because HIPAA laws say that,
25:53 you know, medical information can't be shared
25:56 unless you have permission.
25:58 So it's all of that that goes into it
26:01 if you don't have that POA, power of attorney.
26:05 It just saves you so much time and bureaucratic stuff.
26:10 So it's important to do.
26:14 Okay, so what do you think
26:16 are the very first steps you would take?
26:19 The very first steps is always
26:21 when you go to the doctor's office,
26:23 just as stated.
26:25 Good idea to take a pen and paper,
26:27 have your mom take a pen and paper,
26:29 and write down things.
26:31 'Cause sometimes you're not gonna remember
26:33 it's important even before you go to the office,
26:37 write down in your questions of what you want to ask,
26:40 so when you get there you'll cover all bases.
26:43 When you leave you want to also write down
26:47 what the doctors may tell you
26:49 'cause when you get home sometimes you forget,
26:53 very important.
26:54 I'd say the other step is to make sure
26:59 that you do your research,
27:01 research about assisted living facilities
27:06 if that's where you're gonna be,
27:08 you're gonna go in the future.
27:09 If your family says, you know, Mom, it looks like that we,
27:14 nowadays children is just so busy
27:16 with work growing having their own families.
27:21 It's really hard for us individuals
27:24 to be able to balance the two.
27:28 So when that time comes the first thing
27:32 that you really want to look into even,
27:33 if you're not ready for it right now,
27:37 look in to the assistant live in facilities
27:40 go and visit with them,
27:42 try to find places that you think
27:44 you'd be comfortable,
27:45 that your parents would be comfortable,
27:47 your mom or your father would be comfortable.
27:50 And then find out
27:52 if your insurance will cover for that type of services.
27:55 What types of financials are needed?
27:58 Very important those are things that we cover as well.
28:02 That is super important.
28:03 Like, how are you gonna pay for whatever it is, right?
28:07 Yes.
28:09 You're saying yes, did you have that,
28:10 did you deal with that?
28:12 We had that situation
28:13 where my father is retired military
28:15 but he's also retired from the State.
28:18 And when he was initially diagnosed
28:21 and starting to have challenges,
28:23 he had a lot of medical challenges as well.
28:26 So we started receiving in all of these medical bills
28:29 and because he's retired military,
28:32 I called the VA and the VA told me
28:34 "Well, he should have TRICARE for life"
28:37 and I said "Well, I've never even heard of that."
28:40 So it was definitely if we would have known that
28:44 we went a whole year without knowing
28:46 that he had this secondary insurance
28:48 that basically covered everything.
28:51 So we had been spending, yes, money on services
28:56 that because we just didn't know.
28:58 Right.
28:59 So, yes, if you can get that information ahead of time
29:03 and have it all listed like you said
29:05 along with the medications and all of those things,
29:08 it will really help experience be a lot smoother.
29:13 Yes.
29:14 How did your parents deal with having the dementia?
29:20 Did they realize that something was different?
29:23 Did they, how did they...
29:27 How did they deal with actually having it
29:30 and you having to take over their lives
29:33 because essentially that's what you had to do?
29:34 How did your dad deal with it?
29:37 My parent's very traditional old school,
29:41 so my mother really kept it hidden from us.
29:46 And when he was diagnosed
29:48 and after we had moved them closer,
29:52 she called one day and said that she needed help with him
29:56 and this is before things just, you know,
29:58 we saw much of anything.
30:01 And it turns out that again my father is this huge guy
30:05 and my mother is very petite and she was helping bathe him
30:10 because he was afraid of getting into the shower,
30:13 he was afraid of the water.
30:16 So she had started bathing him, and she needed help.
30:21 So he was experiencing things, she was in denial,
30:25 I remember when he was tested and my sister went with them
30:29 for the testing and the doctor said,
30:31 "I'm gonna give you three words and we're gonna come back
30:35 to those three words
30:36 after we talk about some other things".
30:38 So when they came back to the three words,
30:40 my mother was behind the doctor trying to tell my father
30:45 what those three words were.
30:48 So they had to send her out of the room briskly.
30:52 But it was hard, it was hard for her,
30:55 it was it was equally as hard for him
30:57 because he was used to taking care of the family,
31:00 and he was slipping,
31:02 and he knew that he was slipping
31:04 and there were moments of clarity, though,
31:07 where he would say what he needed to say.
31:10 And one of the things
31:12 that was really, really touching
31:13 was that he told my mother, he started crying,
31:17 he was in the bathroom started crying,
31:19 and he said,
31:21 "Kath, have I done everything I was supposed to do for you?"
31:27 And she said, "Yes, Bill, you have."
31:30 And he asked her again,
31:32 "Have I done everything I was supposed to do for you?"
31:35 Because they've been married for over 60 years and she said,
31:39 "Yes, Bill, you have.
31:40 You don't worry about a thing I've got it from here."
31:44 And that was just so, so touching.
31:47 That is so sweet. Right.
31:50 He was still being in the role. He was still concerned, right.
31:54 Yes, yes, playing the role of husband,
31:57 houseband the one who takes care of the family
32:03 and he was making sure it gets done.
32:04 He was making sure.
32:05 That is so beautiful, that is beautiful.
32:08 What about your mom?
32:10 Yeah, I, I really think that they know
32:13 when they get to that point
32:15 that something is changing in their lives.
32:19 Mom as well, let us know, well, let me know.
32:23 She said, when I would say,
32:25 "Mom, why are you doing these things?"
32:27 You know, and I didn't understand
32:29 and she would say,
32:30 "You know, this thing that I have,
32:32 it just takes you to another place."
32:35 And she, she would tell me,
32:39 you know, maybe about a year later,
32:41 you know, she would say,
32:43 "Well, I'm not gonna be around for long.
32:48 I'm just gonna be around
32:50 but I'm not gonna be here for long."
32:52 So they have a sense of what is going on
32:58 and that there is changes happening
33:01 beyond their control.
33:04 It's very important to listen, listen to them at that time.
33:10 There is changes and there's, there's messages
33:12 that they're sending to us that and now that I look back,
33:17 I realize Mom was reaching out to us
33:20 to prepare us for her changes
33:22 and what was gonna happen to her.
33:26 Listening is really important for those that have parents
33:31 when, you know, be understanding.
33:35 Don't ask mother, "Why are you doing this?
33:38 Or you can do better than that."
33:40 They really can't.
33:42 It's just a process that they're going through.
33:47 So the patience is so important with the loved one
33:51 because they are changing.
33:53 They know they are changing
33:55 and there's really nothing they can do about it.
33:57 Sometimes you're repeating yourself
33:59 over and over.
34:00 Some of these things, I'm checking myself out.
34:02 Like, I start saying like, okay,
34:06 and I'm forgetting things but anyway.
34:08 So, you know, I think we have to be patient
34:11 with those we love and make sure
34:13 that we're hearing them.
34:15 Right.
34:17 Just like you said, we have to be sure
34:18 that we're hearing them
34:20 because they will let us know different things
34:23 in their lucid moments
34:24 and they do have moments of lucidity.
34:27 Oh, they absolutely do.
34:28 And that's why probably I am just pro in homecare.
34:34 Let's talk about it.
34:36 I think there's a perception out there
34:38 that once you are diagnosed...
34:40 Once you have dementia of any kind,
34:43 that you are not the same person you were
34:46 and that's just not true.
34:48 Okay, let's unpack that words, unpack it.
34:49 That's not true.
34:51 We have been with my father over these seven years now
34:55 and as he declines there are still things
34:59 and personalities that come out
35:02 and he will even say a word just out of the blue
35:06 and one time he called me Aunt Runeale
35:10 which is his sister.
35:13 And it was like, "Dad, where did that come from
35:15 how did you know to say that?"
35:18 So you will miss those things and those times
35:23 when there are glimpses of them
35:25 and even when they have some clarity.
35:27 My father is late stage,
35:30 but he still has glimpses of his old self
35:35 and he still may say something
35:37 and he doesn't speak in complete sentences anymore,
35:40 but he may say something that tells you,
35:43 "You knew that, how did you know that?"
35:47 And so, if I feel if you just prematurely
35:52 put your loved one in a facility,
35:54 they decline faster.
35:56 They need to be around things
35:57 that are familiar to help with that memory,
36:01 and they need to see the people that they're used to seeing.
36:06 So my father can't call my name,
36:08 he always calls my older sister her name,
36:10 he still calls her name.
36:12 But he knows who I am he knows my voice,
36:14 he knows our voice and so that's so important.
36:18 So you still see your dad is still in there.
36:21 Absolutely.
36:22 It's just there are just some changes.
36:25 It's a different version but he's there.
36:29 That's good, yeah.
36:30 I like that.
36:32 It's a different version of your dad.
36:33 Right.
36:35 But he still there, it's kind of like
36:37 there was a book "Stroke of Insight"
36:41 and I read some parts of it and one of the things
36:44 that the author had, had a stroke
36:47 and she was a psychologist.
36:51 And she, she kind of documented later
36:55 what she went through and she said,
36:58 she was still in there
37:00 people would come to the hospital
37:02 and talk around her as though she wasn't there
37:06 but she was still in there.
37:08 Right.
37:10 And she could hear what they were saying
37:11 and all that and not really respond
37:15 but she was still there.
37:17 And I think that's what you're saying.
37:18 That your loved ones are still there,
37:21 that you still have to treat them
37:23 with dignity and respect,
37:25 and keep try to stimulate them mentally.
37:28 Absolutely.
37:29 Because I think that that's one of the things
37:32 with my dad that I'm seeing
37:34 that if we stimulate him mentally
37:37 we talk about things like if we started singing
37:39 like our Pastor John Lomacang,
37:42 who is also a dear friend and like a brother,
37:46 my dad was his principal.
37:47 So he would come, he comes
37:49 and Ange come to the nursing home
37:52 and they will talk to my dad and sing to him,
37:55 and he'll start singing, or he loves it,
37:58 so I think it's, it's all part of that
38:03 that whole idea of reminding them of
38:07 who they are.
38:08 Bringing them back to their...
38:10 You're nodding, do you agree?
38:11 I think what we've just stated here
38:14 is very, very important
38:16 if you don't take anything else away
38:18 just know that that person is very much there in ways,
38:24 and they will let you know 'cause if you think,
38:27 "Oh, we can put them out to Pastor," you know,
38:30 you can't really do that because they're there.
38:34 I've experienced everything
38:36 that you've just said with my mom.
38:38 And toward the end,
38:41 I can say this just to let you know
38:46 that God is actually with those throughout their life
38:51 even when they have that type of illness
38:55 and they know, they actually,
38:57 my mom was still praying which was amazing to me.
39:01 I would hear her in the middle of the night
39:03 saying her prayers.
39:06 It's just amazing to know
39:07 that the connection is still there with God,
39:10 still there with her children,
39:12 she knew every one of us, she had late stage dementia,
39:16 it's just amazing, amazing.
39:18 That's such a good point, Lecia.
39:20 I think we need to expand on that a little bit
39:22 because one thing about our God is that He is so faithful.
39:29 He is.
39:30 And the prayers of His saints
39:32 even when they can no longer cogitate
39:34 the way they once did,
39:36 even though they don't,
39:38 you know, they're not all together anymore
39:42 He's still their God,
39:43 He still hears their current prayers
39:47 and the prayers that they prayed for us,
39:51 forever.
39:52 I mean, He is still our God
39:55 and He still takes care of them.
39:58 What do you find was
40:01 or if there was a spiritual impact of dementia
40:05 you're saying, Lecia, that your mom still prayed.
40:07 What about your dad, Shelley?
40:09 So my father he doesn't speak in complete sentences anymore,
40:14 but he knows when it's time to eat
40:16 and we say a blessing, he knows to say, amen.
40:20 And sometimes when he, I love bedtimes for him.
40:24 Because when he's in bed he's relaxed
40:26 and we have to put him to bed at a certain time
40:28 he's on a schedule.
40:30 He's relaxed and he will just chatter
40:33 and say different things
40:34 and he will go into sometimes he will say,
40:38 "Thank you, Lord"
40:39 or, you know, it is like 'Dad' you know the same thing.
40:42 "How did you know?" Yeah, yeah.
40:44 So it is and we pray with him and he knows.
40:48 He is he's humbled by it, I mean,
40:50 he will close his eyes and he will say, "Yes, Lord."
40:54 And he I, I, you know, it's just in him.
40:58 So he hasn't lost it it's been a comfort for him
41:01 all of his life,
41:03 so it's a comfort to us
41:05 because we feel my father's calling and election is sure.
41:09 We know it
41:11 and so we're just keeping him comfortable for now.
41:14 Yeah.
41:15 And that's all we can do with our loved ones
41:18 that are going through it
41:20 just make them as comfortable as possible.
41:21 Right.
41:23 Surround them with people that they love,
41:25 continue to read to them, and talk to them,
41:28 and sing to them.
41:29 Yeah, that's another point that is very, very well,
41:33 I need to address, singing.
41:36 They have just discovered that singing songs
41:40 for the dementia and Alzheimer's
41:42 is very important.
41:44 They did a test and they wanted to see
41:47 how these individuals would respond.
41:50 These were patients that where non responsive.
41:54 And when they put the headsets over their ear
41:57 and turned on familiar music from back
42:01 when they were young and they heard that music
42:04 they respond and some where even trying to sing the words.
42:08 I have to say music plays a very good part in healing
42:14 and progress I'd say of those
42:18 that have dementia.
42:21 My mother did the last thing
42:23 I wanted to say is before she died,
42:26 the morning that she woke up she looked really puzzled.
42:32 Like something... The morning for death?
42:33 Yes.
42:35 She looked like something was bothering her
42:38 or maybe she wanted to say something
42:41 and I looked at her and I said,
42:44 "Mom, why worry when you can pray?"
42:47 Those were her own words that she would say to us.
42:51 And she kind of looked like
42:53 she really understood even though
42:55 she wasn't verbally expressive and then something told me
43:02 "No, you need to not work this morning
43:05 you need to spend time with her."
43:07 And I did.
43:09 The amazing thing was is that
43:12 I started reading Bible scripture
43:17 that she knew, just short ones,
43:19 'cause I know their attention span is quite short.
43:22 And then I started singing and playing her music
43:25 that she liked over the iPad,
43:30 and I told her that a day is gonna come
43:32 when she can walk and not get weary,
43:36 she shall run, she will run and not faint,
43:39 and she was just so happy to hear
43:43 that everything was gonna be made new again.
43:46 I told her, "Mom, you're gonna be made new again.
43:49 We're gonna be there together,
43:51 we'll be able to see each other."
43:52 She was so excited to know
43:55 that there's hope that this is not the end,
43:59 that she's got a better life awaiting her.
44:03 And it sort of brought joy to her
44:06 and comfort not only to her,
44:08 to me to see the look on her face,
44:11 to see the smile that she had on her face,
44:13 and the amazing thing is that she just stared at me like
44:16 she really knew that what I was saying,
44:20 I just thank God that I had that moment
44:23 to have that morning worship with her,
44:26 to have that personal time with her
44:29 to make her lift her spirits.
44:32 Yes.
44:33 I gave her hope for another day and to let her know I said,
44:37 "Mom, you're not always gonna be this way,
44:39 laid up in the bed, not able to do anything.
44:43 The day is gonna come
44:45 where all things shall be made new again."
44:48 And that was the morning that we had with her
44:51 and just so happened that she never really speaks,
44:56 so when the caregivers came in,
45:00 one of them was an aide the other one was an RN.
45:04 And the RN just noticed that she just was having a good day.
45:10 This was her last day, though, what we didn't realize
45:13 I didn't know at that time
45:15 that this was neither did the nurses
45:17 because she was so attentive.
45:19 She said, well, when the nurse was turning her she said,
45:23 "Just take time with me while you're turning me."
45:26 And we were shocked, then the other nurse,
45:29 the aide that came in, she said,
45:32 "Mrs. Marr, aren't you gonna give me a kiss
45:34 before you leave?"
45:36 And my mom looked at her and she blew out,
45:40 my mom just poked her lips out and blew a kiss at her.
45:43 I was so surprised and it just shows
45:47 how her spirits was uplifted for the whole day
45:50 and quietly that night, you know, she did go to sleep
45:57 and it's just so good to know that I did have that time.
46:01 I wouldn't have been able to even have
46:04 this type of a relationship with God, her, and myself,
46:09 if she didn't teach us this is the way to go.
46:12 I wouldn't have been there to hold her hand
46:14 to comfort her when she needed just,
46:17 at that moment, to know that God was gonna be with her.
46:22 I think sometimes as you get older,
46:25 you realize there got to be something more in life than
46:30 what this world has to offer.
46:32 Absolutely.
46:33 And just to know that we can really look to the Lord,
46:39 that He will be there, that He does care,
46:42 He actually brought it to me at that moment to know
46:46 that this is what my mom needed,
46:48 and she was able to rest peacefully
46:52 knowing her fate calling and election was sure.
46:57 Isn't that a blessing to know first of all
47:00 that God cared enough to have you stay home that day?
47:05 Because He impressed that on your heart
47:07 to stay with your mom that day
47:09 and then you were singing to her
47:10 and bring your scriptures,
47:11 I mean, what better way to go than to go in Jesus,
47:16 what better way?
47:17 She just went to sleep
47:19 and during her sleep she passed away.
47:23 It was in the sleep? Yes.
47:25 It just so happened that
47:27 it was in the middle of the night
47:28 and I thought it was she had a thought
47:33 she had a cold coming down.
47:35 Because I heard the sound,
47:37 sounded like a cold on her chest
47:38 and now I know it's what they call the death rattle.
47:44 And I gave us as I always talk to her
47:48 I never made her feel like she wasn't there.
47:51 I said, "Mom, sounds like you've got a cold coming down.
47:55 I'm gonna have to give you some medicine."
47:59 And that's how I always communicated with her
48:01 even if she didn't communicate back to me,
48:03 I always talked with her and it really helps.
48:09 Anyway, I gave her the cough medicine that night
48:11 and I was getting ready go back to bed and I said,
48:15 "I'll just turn the TV on so you can watch TV
48:18 since you're wide awake."
48:21 And turned to walk away
48:23 and then I heard that sound again said,
48:26 "Mom, I'm gonna put the nebulizer
48:29 'cause I think you're really coming down with something."
48:31 so I put the nebulizer on.
48:34 And after I put the nebulizer on I said,
48:39 "Something's not right here
48:41 she just doesn't look the same."
48:44 And then I decided I'd call the nurses.
48:48 So I called them and then told them what was happening
48:53 and they said "Okay, we'll send someone out."
48:56 By this now I started seeing that she was closing her eyes
49:01 and just going quietly.
49:05 Then I started to see signs of foaming,
49:09 called my brother and family and ambulance,
49:13 and by time they got there they tried to resuscitate her,
49:17 but and take her to the hospital,
49:21 and then when it was all over I asked,
49:24 I went to the doctor
49:25 and I was crying he comforted me,
49:28 and he said to me, "I just wanted to you to know
49:31 that your mother went peacefully.
49:34 She just went to sleep and she didn't feel any pain."
49:39 Oh! That's a blessing, isn't it?
49:42 It is. To know that.
49:44 It is. And I pray that for us as well.
49:47 That's the hope. Yes.
49:49 That is our hope. Yes, yes.
49:51 And to know that this is not it, that we're,
49:57 you know, we're here but when that trumpet sounds
50:01 and the dead in Christ rise first
50:03 and then we which are alive
50:04 and remain shall be caught up together with them
50:07 to meet the Lord in the air that...
50:11 There is nothing greater than that.
50:13 When you think about that scene,
50:16 that whole scene the resurrection, and that is,
50:20 that's incredible.
50:21 That's why, you know, for our brothers and sisters
50:22 that believe that when you die you go right to heaven,
50:25 where's the resurrection like where does that come in?
50:28 We know that when you die, you go to sleep
50:32 and when that trumpet sounds,
50:34 when Jesus returns and the trumpet sounds,
50:37 our bodies are changed from corruptible to incorruptible
50:41 in the twinkling of an eye like, bam!
50:43 Like it's just...
50:44 It's amazing, you know, no more mental fog,
50:48 no more forgetfulness,
50:50 no more dementia, and Alzheimer's.
50:52 I mean, we we're here today to talk about something
50:56 that happens on this side of eternity.
50:58 Right.
50:59 But we know as Danny say's,
51:01 we've read the back of the book.
51:02 So we know what happens on the other side
51:05 and we praise God for that.
51:07 I want to get back to your book for a minute,
51:09 Shelley, because what we didn't talk about,
51:13 and I think is really important,
51:15 is when your first mapping out what to do,
51:20 in your book you talk about scheduling,
51:23 unpack that a little bit for us
51:24 'cause I think that's a very important point.
51:26 Sure.
51:28 So when we worked with my father,
51:30 there were a lot of uncertainties.
51:33 He, you know, was nervous about so many different things.
51:37 And what we found was that if we can map out his day,
51:41 he can anticipate that each and every day
51:43 the exact same thing's happening
51:45 at the exact same time.
51:47 So we had a schedule that we put together
51:50 and we had it posted at one time,
51:52 but I think we all know it backwards and forwards.
51:55 But it starts with the time he gets up in the morning,
51:58 and what happens from there his bath,
52:01 his breakfast, his cognitive activities,
52:04 outside time, nap time,
52:06 it is mapped out all the way until bedtime.
52:09 And the reason why
52:11 that's so important is because a lot of times
52:13 you'll hear that someone's patient,
52:17 dementia patient or loved one is acting out,
52:20 they're not cooperative, they might be aggressive,
52:24 and that helps with putting them on a schedule
52:27 so they can anticipate things,
52:29 and also so that they don't run into sundowning or sundowners,
52:35 as I call it, in the evenings
52:37 where they do become a little more antsy
52:40 and maybe aggressive because they're just uneasy.
52:43 So keeping them on a schedule it helps them, it helps you,
52:48 and especially if you have care that's rotating in and out,
52:51 everyone knows what's supposed to happen next.
52:54 Oh, I like that. Right.
52:55 So sundowning, let's talk about that
52:58 because so are there cycles then with dementia like
53:02 during the day they might be okay,
53:04 but in the evening a little cranky or...
53:06 Right.
53:07 And it's really amazing to see because as the sun goes down,
53:12 we have seen a transition come over my father's face
53:15 and so we're like, "Oh, no, get him in the bed.
53:20 Hurry, get him in the bed."
53:23 Because he starts, their vision, first of all,
53:26 they start to see shadows instead of, you know,
53:30 people they're seeing shadows
53:32 so you have to make sure the room is well lit
53:35 and that you could get them in bed as quickly as possible.
53:39 Because they are then in protective mode,
53:41 they don't know
53:43 if they should be protecting themselves from you
53:46 because they can't fully recognize you.
53:49 So, yes, when that happens
53:51 you can see the difference come over his face,
53:53 you can see it in his eyes.
53:55 And I remember one time my brother called and said,
53:58 "I need you all to come over, Dad has sundowners."
54:02 And when we got there, he had backed himself into a corner
54:06 and would not let my brother touch him.
54:08 So we had to distract him because that's, you know,
54:12 he can get distracted very easily
54:13 and it can help us if we can distract him.
54:16 So we had to distract him to get him out of that corner
54:20 and then get him into bed.
54:22 Yeah.
54:23 So it pays to have that schedule.
54:26 It pays.
54:27 So that you know just what's, and they know too,
54:31 just what's coming up next
54:33 and they get used to the routine.
54:34 Right.
54:36 I think it's very healthy mentally for them as well.
54:39 It is.
54:40 And then it make sure, you know,
54:41 you make sure you're getting all those activities in that
54:44 they like to do, and things that are good for them,
54:47 like fresh air, and sunshine, and cognitive activities,
54:51 whether it's reading or writing,
54:55 if they can still write, those are things
54:57 that we need to continue to encourage.
54:59 So take one minute both of you
55:01 'cause we're almost out of time,
55:04 take one minute
55:05 and talk to us about just overall
55:11 what is your overall impression of what to do
55:15 when your loved one has dementia.
55:18 So one thing that I would do,
55:21 that everyone should do, is prepare.
55:23 And not just my book because it does outline step-by-step
55:27 what you should do but prepare your family,
55:30 come together as a family, prepare your loved one
55:33 who's suffering from it,
55:35 without trying to drill it in them,
55:37 they don't need to retain it, but you want to make sure
55:39 they're on board with
55:41 what is coming so prepare, prepare, prepare.
55:46 And do you think you should let them know
55:48 what they have do they need to understand
55:51 the diagnosis themselves?
55:53 It just depends on how far along they are.
55:55 If they are in still the earlier stages
55:57 they need to know because they can help you prepare
56:01 and they can give you those things
56:02 that are important to them, so definitely.
56:05 And let's put up your website again for your book.
56:08 Let's put that up there so that you know
56:11 how to get the book and get it, and read it,
56:16 and incorporate what's in there,
56:18 and then, Lecia, what do you say?
56:20 One minute.
56:21 I would say show them lots of love.
56:27 Hugs, kisses, they appreciate that
56:30 they still want to feel loved and always be patient.
56:34 Understand that this is an illness.
56:38 It is out of their control.
56:40 If they act out, just understand
56:43 this is not aggressively towards you
56:46 it's because of the illness that they have
56:50 and be understanding.
56:52 And why should people contact SDA Elderly Care?
56:57 Because we have resources,
56:59 we can point you in the right direction
57:02 and help you to get started on this very long journey.
57:06 That's great.
57:07 You guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate
57:11 what you've brought to our viewers.
57:14 I always like to bring the viewers information
57:17 and resources.
57:19 And you have really provided not just the resources
57:23 not just information, but also transparency.
57:27 And for that, I'm really appreciative
57:30 and I know that you are too.
57:33 So thank you, both, so much for being with us.
57:37 Thank you. Thank you.
57:38 You guys really were a blessing.
57:40 If you have loved ones that you're concerned about
57:43 with this issue, talk to them, prepare for this,
57:47 do some research, contact SDA Elderly Care,
57:52 get Shelley's book, "Dad's Got Dementia"
57:55 you can do it, work with your family member.
57:58 Thank you so much for being with us.
58:00 Join us next time 'cause you know what?
58:02 It just wouldn't be the same without you.


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Revised 2017-05-25