Participants: Cordell Thomas
Series Code: TITTB
Program Code: TITTB000016
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00:01 On Take it to the Bank,
00:02 you'll find ways to get out of debt. 00:09 Solve your credit card problems. 00:14 How to make and stick with the budget? 00:19 Simple ways to save. 00:24 Buying or selling a home, and many more financial matters 00:29 on Take it to the Bank. 00:32 Hi, and welcome back to Take it to the Bank. 00:34 My name is Cordell Thomas, 00:36 and I'm here to talk to you about 00:37 something that's could be considered a touchy issue, 00:40 but I think it's relevant 00:41 and something that we need to talk about. 00:44 When you're looking at financial problems 00:45 between married people, 00:47 it's something that I am not accustom to 00:50 because I don't have financial problems 00:52 between married people. 00:53 No, we all do, it's a communications issue, 00:55 it's something that we all should be talking about. 00:59 Here is my suggestion, get a prenuptial agreement. 01:02 There. I'll talk to you later. 01:04 No, I'm just kidding. 01:05 The issue is a lot deeper than that. 01:07 It's not just about prenuptial agreements 01:09 and about the issue of what, 01:12 you know, this is issue of savings, 01:14 and communications, and issues about 01:18 the relationship between two parties. 01:20 But it has a lot more to do with 01:22 how we deal with these crisis 01:26 that can cause things all way up to divorce and death, 01:29 think about this. 01:31 When you look at this, I received in the mail, 01:33 it talks about Avoiding Christmas Heart Attacks, 01:38 Avoiding Christmas Heart Attacks. 01:39 Why they would, they send it to that. 01:41 Well, it turns out that more Americans die 01:44 form cardiac arrest on Christmas day 01:47 than on any other day of the year. 01:48 Doctors have long speculated 01:50 on the cause for this holiday heart syndrome, 01:52 attributing it to the cold weather, 01:56 or financial and family stress, 02:02 or it could be excessive eating or alcohol consumption. 02:05 But key: financial and family stress 02:08 is one of the major causes 02:10 of heart attacks on Christmas day. 02:13 And of course the statistic is quite stark. 02:17 And it has to do with stress, 02:19 stress that can cause many different issues and elements 02:22 are concerns within a family group. 02:25 Now, there's a young lady in my life, 02:29 her name is irrelevant, 02:31 but she's my wife and my spouse, 02:32 and she's articulate psychologist. 02:34 Because she makes me feel like 02:35 I'm in control of the finances when I really am not. 02:38 I have to think about this, you know, 02:40 because it's the way she says, 02:41 "Hey, honey, did you pay the water bill?" 02:44 Oh, it's just like, "Of course, I did. 02:47 I took care of the water bill, that's no big deal. 02:49 I took care, not a big issue." 02:51 Then she comes and put questions like, 02:53 "Why was it so high last month?" 02:55 Do I know all of these answers? 02:57 Of course, I don't but it causes us to talk. 03:00 Now we can sit down at the dinner table 03:03 and we can talk for hours. 03:04 Before we had kids, we could just talk, and talk, 03:07 and talk, and talk, and talk. 03:08 But now we have kids and they constantly, 03:09 it's strategic how the children just walk in 03:12 and they see you talking about something important, 03:14 and they just break right in, 03:16 and just tears your conversation right up. 03:18 And that's whole other issue, family finances and children, 03:22 which we can talk about it at later time. 03:24 My major issue is to say that your spouse and you 03:28 should have some type of agreement 03:29 as you come into any type of relationship 03:31 because it is very, very important, 03:35 it's critical. 03:36 Financial problems in marriage 03:37 sometimes mirror other problems in life 03:40 that you deal with. 03:42 Specifically, things that are exacerbated 03:45 through communication. 03:46 If there is lack of communication, if there is, 03:49 and there's a variety of things I can label to you 03:52 that can cause strive within a relationship. 03:59 Hebrews 12 is a verse that I really love, 04:01 because I've run a marathon. 04:03 I know what running marathons are about, 04:04 I know what the training takes, 04:06 it takes to run a marathon. 04:08 And marathons are not easily completed, 04:10 you have to work through that wall 04:13 that you hit it mile 17th and 19th, 04:15 you have to make it through the pain, 04:18 and the incessant pounding of a pavement for 26.2 miles. 04:23 But when you complete the process, it's great. 04:25 Hebrews 12 talks about that, it's says." 04:27 Therefore, since we are surrounded by 04:29 such a great cloud of witnesses, 04:30 let us lay aside every weight 04:33 and sin which so easily ensnare us 04:36 and let us run with endurance to race 04:38 that is set before us, 04:39 the race that is set before us." 04:41 And the race can take on so many different perspectives. 04:44 This race that we're running in right now 04:46 to understanding our finances, 04:48 and this specific race that each one of us 04:50 are talking about right now 04:52 as if you are in a relationship, 04:53 a marriage, a friendship. 04:55 If you're in a friendship with someone, you know, 04:57 spend sometime with their friendship, 04:59 get rid of the hormones, 05:00 and all the excitement of the relationship 05:02 and start talking about the serious issues, 05:04 if this is a long-term relationship. 05:06 And you think this is the guy or the girl, 05:08 you need to talk about finances, 05:10 you need to talk about, are you a spender? 05:13 Are you a saver? 05:15 How do you work with money? 05:17 What do you do with money? 05:19 Make sure you understand because many of these issues 05:21 become concerns in this race called life. 05:27 Hebrews 12, read it through, I read it through all the time, 05:30 you run with perseverance. 05:34 And as we talk about this issue, 05:37 financial problems between married people, 05:41 if you have a specific concern that you can't resolve, 05:47 I will say this, 05:49 if you need to resolve an issue, 05:52 talk to a professional. 05:55 Many of us will say 05:56 and you'll see in some of our outtakes. 05:58 In the time you go through a crisis, 06:02 who do you talk to, 06:03 who do you talk to help you through crisis? 06:05 And people will not say that, 06:06 "I'll go to professional and get a help that I need." 06:09 People will be too proud to do that. 06:11 Do you know that when, 06:16 I work with several financial literacy companies 06:18 and we talk a lot, we sit down 06:20 and hash out some of the things we're dealing with. 06:22 I was asked to come in 06:23 and consult with an organization 06:26 and talked to them about how we deal with 06:29 foster care young people, 06:30 and how we talked to them, 06:32 and how we address specific financial literacy issues 06:35 with these young people. 06:36 And so we were taking about other things 06:38 and sitting across the table from the vice president, 06:39 and she was willing to talk to me about 06:42 one of the board president is a pastor, 06:44 a pastor of a major church. 06:48 And it's quite interesting, 06:49 the pastor as they are talking about 06:51 specific financial issues, started talking about 06:54 a concern that came up at his church. 06:56 He says, "You know, people are more willing 06:59 to come to me and talked about, 07:01 talk to me about private issues, 07:03 relationship issues, intimacy issues. 07:05 And yet, when it comes to 07:07 at issue as important as finance, 07:10 they're not willing to talk about it so much so 07:13 that we began seeing certain parishioners, 07:17 seeing certain parishioners 07:18 certain parishioners started leaving the church 07:21 and relocating. 07:22 And he noted that they were absent 07:25 so he asked the question, where are they? 07:27 why aren't they attending? 07:29 The answer was "Oh, pastor they went through a foreclosure 07:33 and they were so embarrassed by it, 07:34 they didn't want to talked to anyone, 07:35 they didn't want to see anyone, 07:37 and didn't want anyone to know about it, 07:38 so they did just left, relocated, 07:41 and went else where." 07:42 These financial issues are critical, 07:45 they hurt people, 07:47 they are psychological nightmares 07:49 that people go through when you're dealing with 07:50 the foreclosure of a house, or dealing with a divorce. 07:55 And in different states, divorce, 07:57 if you stay with the person with certain amount of time, 07:58 you're taking half from them, if the children are involved 08:01 then you're dealing with issues 08:03 such as you know, support, child support. 08:05 And we know of certain famous football players 08:08 who are dealing with that issue. 08:09 They have two or three or four different... 08:15 people that they have had relationship with 08:17 and they have four, five different kids 08:20 that they're all paying child support on, 08:22 and they're running into 08:23 a financial nightmare and crisis 08:25 that they didn't take the time 08:28 before the breakup of the relationship 08:31 to discuss these important issues that are hurting them 08:36 and creating stress in their lives. 08:39 So when I talk about, 08:40 this is something I am not taking it lightly, 08:42 I'm not talking about in a way that's making it's sound fun, 08:46 because on lot of us have gone 08:48 through those hurtful relationship breakups, 08:51 and they've caused a lot more hurt and pain, 08:54 and those memories exists long-term. 08:59 So I am taking this very seriously. 09:01 Oh, yes, I joke a lot about it with my spouse 09:04 as we talk through these different issues, 09:07 and try to plan and prepare for our son's future, 09:09 and for our children, and for the different things, 09:12 and emergency funds, and a variety of other things 09:14 that we have to address. 09:16 But the key is understanding that married people are going 09:20 to deal with things a lot differently 09:22 if they don't prepare for these strives... 09:28 crisis that can happen on timely basis 09:32 in any type of relationship. 09:36 So what I like to do is give you right now 09:39 the top 11 reasons for marital divorce. 09:45 And I'll start with number 11. 09:48 Number 11 on the list is 09:52 where the wife is richer than her husband. 09:57 That's the 11th most prevalent reason divorce. 10:00 Now I am gonna read this 10:02 because I don't want it to come across as I'm, 10:04 you know, putting a bias on it, this is what it actually says. 10:08 It may happen when the wife is richer than her husband, 10:12 and has more, a more 10:13 influential position in society. 10:15 There's pride in there. 10:17 These wives do not accept 10:19 inferior positions than their husbands 10:22 and the husband thinks he is the man of the house 10:26 and tries to show his ego. 10:29 The management of this tussle continues 10:32 into a divorce, number 11. 10:36 Number 10, sexual abuse, abuse within a relationship 10:42 is a 10th most prevalent reason for divorce. 10:47 Number nine, unemployment. 10:51 After marriage, many men may face unemployment. 10:55 Women cannot tolerate or reside with a husband 10:58 who cannot fulfill the requirements 11:01 without the job or without the money coming in. 11:05 And that's a hurtful thing 11:06 because they don't want to be unemployed, 11:09 but it happens, and some people haven't talk 11:12 through this issue of for richer, or for poor 11:16 and things happened. 11:18 Number eight, lust. 11:20 Lust is an important reason for divorce. 11:22 A man sees a woman, not realizing this lust, 11:25 finalizes it when he goes off 11:28 and has a relationship 11:30 outside of the marriage relationship. 11:34 The real situation unfolds and the marriage crashes, 11:38 and we see happen all the time. 11:41 And that's the eighth most prevalent reason 11:44 for any type of divorce. 11:45 Number seven, and we should take this 11:48 to heart is religious and our cultural differences. 11:53 In recent years, 11:55 one comes across cases were marriages 11:57 have taken place between Europeans and Africans, 12:00 such people later realized that there are cultural difference 12:05 between and sometimes in order to avoid clashes 12:09 between families and different cultures 12:12 they opt out for divorce and part their ways. 12:16 Number six, bad guy syndrome. 12:22 Basically is young lady sometimes 12:24 look out for the bad guy 12:26 or the challenging guy in relationships 12:28 and one person looks at it 12:32 from the stand point of moral history. 12:35 Here she cannot continue to reside with the spouse 12:38 who has been arrested for many crimes 12:40 and possibly incarceration. 12:42 And that's not saying one thing or the other, 12:45 but its just effects, they're gonna effect, 12:48 that the sixth most reason, prevalent reason for divorce 12:52 is a moral history where one of the two parties, 12:56 let's put it that way, 12:58 has a problem with violence, crime and incarceration. 13:01 Number five, is quite interesting, 13:04 and you take a look at that rational, 13:07 its incompatibility causes divorce. 13:10 What is incompatibility? 13:11 This may be one or more the following forms, 13:15 such as moral, it can go to the fact that 13:18 there is religious and cultural differences, 13:20 there could be mutual, exclusive, 13:21 or could be the same. 13:23 Could be spiritual, it could be physical, 13:25 it could be sexual, 13:26 that is as this specific information article states. 13:32 So incompatibility can be rational for people 13:35 breaking up or parting ways. 13:37 Individuals where the family background 13:41 has a gross impact on him and/or her. 13:45 Family background. 13:46 If the parents of one person are divorced, 13:49 the possibility that these people 13:51 in the relationship 13:53 will also be divorced, is has a higher possibility. 13:57 So family history, family background, 14:00 it creates this other possibility 14:04 if they believe things aren't going in the right direction, 14:07 which causes the concern realistically. 14:09 For this number four, 14:10 is people are more likely to opt out 14:15 because it's the easiest way out, 14:20 and are not willing to work through 14:23 specific concerns with any type of relationship. 14:27 Number three, expectations. 14:31 Individuals marry one another 14:32 with considerable amount of expectations 14:35 from married life. 14:37 In case these expectations are not fulfilled 14:40 or partially fulfilled 14:42 this may also result in divorce, 14:45 on that expectations. 14:47 Seems to getting a little light now 14:48 because people now are looking for reasons 14:51 to get out of these relationships, 14:53 looking for reasons not to be in a specific relationship, 14:57 and they are taking the easy way out. 14:59 Marriage is not easy. 15:00 It's not hard if you marry the right person, 15:03 but it's not easy it takes the learning capacity 15:09 to look at that other individual in the relationship 15:12 and learn as much about them as you can. 15:15 For me, everyday is learning experience with my spouse, 15:18 every day is a new experience realizing that 15:21 she has a lot to offer, she has a lot of wisdom, 15:25 she is the brilliant young lady, 15:27 and she has done a fantastic job 15:29 with these two young people that I have in my life. 15:31 So I think when you're looking at expectations, 15:34 give it a rest, take time to learn about 15:38 the other individual when you're dating, 15:39 and talk through the issues that need to be talked about 15:44 when preparing for any type of long-term relationship. 15:48 Oh, we're coming down to the 15:50 top two reasons for divorce. 15:53 And can you guess what the number two reason is? 15:57 The number two reason leading right up to number one 16:00 is death of communication. 16:03 They don't talk anymore. 16:05 One of the most usual causes for divorce 16:08 is a lack of communication. 16:10 When it comes to finalizing decisions 16:12 pertaining to children, 16:14 spouse has failed to communicate openly 16:16 with each other. 16:18 When decisions are to be made regarding shared finances, 16:22 several of the couples do not communicate 16:25 properly with each other. 16:27 So when you're talking about children, 16:28 when you're talking about finances, 16:31 and then there are many married couples 16:33 who have an opinion that in a marriage 16:35 minor problems do occur and these are insignificant. 16:40 There is no need to talk about these. 16:43 However, lack of communications regarding these "small issues," 16:48 may lead to conflict between the partners. 16:53 I'm not a relationship therapist. 16:54 If you need a relationship therapist, 16:56 I would asked you to go and get someone 16:58 that knows psychology and those type of thing. 17:01 All I'm telling you is this, these are the stark statistics 17:05 about what happens to drive people apart. 17:08 But I will say in reference to this is 17:10 that there is never a small issue 17:14 relating to any type of relationship. 17:17 You should take your spouse seriously, 17:19 about their concerns, 17:20 and when they mention something off the cuff 17:23 or they're talking about something that concerns them, 17:25 take it seriously, weight it seriously, 17:27 talk to them about it seriously, 17:29 open up those channels of communications 17:31 because those small changes that you make in life. 17:37 Especially with this person that you say you love so much, 17:40 will change things in a dramatic and positive way. 17:43 Open up those levels of communication. 17:46 And you know, one good way of doing so 17:48 I found is when my wife and I study the Bible together, 17:52 it opens up so many 17:54 different levels of communications, 17:55 specially when you're trying to learn 17:57 and trying to make your life better 17:59 through Christ's leading, that's one powerful way. 18:03 So if you challenge with communication, 18:05 find something that works with the both of you, 18:08 but find a way to talk to each other. 18:11 And the drum roll, please. 18:14 The number one reason for divorce, can you guess? 18:19 Can you guess, anyone? 18:20 Anyone? 18:22 Finance. 18:25 There is a saying that 18:27 "The love of money is the root of all evil." 18:30 Respective of the love between a couple, 18:35 money is required to lead a normal life. 18:38 Money is the part of what life is about. 18:42 But also remember that even though 18:45 those issues abound the Bible tells us specifically 18:49 that you have to take care and guard against greed, 18:53 because one's life doesn't consists 18:56 of one's possessions, Luke 12:15. 18:59 We have to understand that there is a balance. 19:01 That balance has to happen 19:02 between two parties that are talking. 19:05 Talking about their relationship with each other, 19:08 and their relationship with Christ. 19:10 Then those are the things that will save us 19:12 through all of these dilemmas and stresses 19:15 that the world has to offer. 19:17 Because, the world is offering 19:18 a lot of stressful situations for a lot of people. 19:21 And this divorce, the top on 11 list 19:25 of why people choose to part ways 19:27 is pretty significant. 19:29 When you even take a look at how it impacts Christians, 19:35 divorce does impact Christians as well as non-Christians. 19:38 And there is statistics 19:39 that are stark that you should be aware of. 19:42 If there is no money 19:44 in a relationship or in a marriage, 19:46 this can lead to disputes, it can lead to arguments, 19:48 it can escalate, it indents quarrels, 19:51 and finally culminate in divorce. 19:55 These things happen, and you wish they didn't, 19:58 but it's a part of life, 20:00 how the devil gets himself into relationships. 20:02 Sometimes overspending by one spouse 20:05 can put the couple debt at times, 20:08 at the time of marriage the money, 20:10 that seemed adequate for the couple 20:13 appears insufficient for a family after some years. 20:17 I can actually identify with that. 20:20 If one spouse makes all the financial decisions, 20:22 the other spouse may not exceed to all of the decisions. 20:26 There's a lot in those two last statements. 20:29 I'm traveling, my wife is at home. 20:34 In the unforeseen circumstance of me getting into an accident 20:38 or even not making it home, she has to know 20:43 exactly where we are at our financial standpoint. 20:45 She has to have access to all of the account numbers, 20:50 and to all of the access codes, the online banking information, 20:54 and to where things are at. 20:56 Because many of us in our lives, 20:58 and this is for a future show, 21:00 but are not prepared for the crisis that happens 21:04 when something happens where your spouse 21:08 or your family member is taken away from you. 21:11 And we have to learn about these things called insurance, 21:15 talking about a planning, 21:16 talking about knowing what needs to happen 21:19 when certain crisis happened in a person's life. 21:23 In this situation, 21:24 it makes sense that you talk and communicate 21:27 so that the hurt and pain of two people, 21:32 you loosing someone important in your family 21:34 can be made less painful 21:38 by the fact that you are prepared with the will, 21:42 you prepared with elements of insurance. 21:45 You're making sure that those concerns 21:47 can be taking care of on a step by step basis 21:51 as you go through the hurtful situation 21:53 that you probably dealing with. 21:56 So we take that step and look at 21:59 how couples deal with changes in family. 22:06 I have two children. 22:07 When my wife and I were married, 22:08 it was easy, I was jump in a car and go up north. 22:10 Jump in a car, go out east, 22:12 jump in a car because we can't go west, 22:13 we're in the west coast so, just a joke. 22:15 Oh, so anyway, we take sometime 22:18 and we do what we want to do. 22:20 And then, two children showed up. 22:23 And it's amazing how it changes your life. 22:26 It takes a lot longer to get it into the car. 22:28 It takes a lot longer to do the things 22:30 that were simple to do. 22:32 And going out to dinner 22:33 is not always exciting as it used to be 22:35 because the romance is gone with the food been thrown 22:37 and this and that or the other. 22:39 So it's quite interesting when you look at 22:41 how these changes in relationships 22:44 impact the family, and in this case, 22:46 as marriage changes things 22:49 and as children come into play, 22:51 it changes the amount of money 22:53 you need to budget on a monthly basis. 22:55 It changes the on going concerns 22:58 that you should be addressing 22:59 every single month, every single year, 23:02 how much money should I allocate to this, 23:04 how much money should I be saving, 23:06 how much money should I be budgeting 23:08 for these type of acquisitions? 23:10 What should we do to plan for Christmas? 23:13 I take this heart attack thing very seriously now. 23:16 So we plan for Christmas 23:18 because I don't need to be partying ways 23:20 for the cardiac arrest, 23:21 just because I'm having a financial stress. 23:24 These are things that we should all concern ourselves with 23:27 because finance is the top reason for divorce. 23:32 And we take a look at the divorce 23:33 and we look at the marital break down stats, 23:35 don't have that right now, 23:36 but I can tell you right now in the future we will. 23:39 But in reference to non-evangelical born 23:43 again Christians, 23:44 there are 33 percent divorce rate, 23:46 at a 33 percent divorce rate. 23:48 You look at atheists and agnostics, 23:51 they are at 30 percent divorce rate. 23:54 There are things that we, as Christians 23:57 need to be doing more so 23:59 in our relationships to communicate with each other 24:01 and we really need to fit God in 24:04 as a part of the relationship 24:06 and the development of that relationship. 24:07 Because if we don't, we're pushing ourselves 24:10 into a direction 24:11 that's not so easily to return from. 24:15 So those are the major issues. 24:17 Now, in reference to these financial concerns 24:19 that we have between married people, 24:21 I would say there are four, four. 24:24 Combining your finances is number one. 24:26 Number two is spending versus savings, number two. 24:31 Number three is dealing with debt. 24:35 And number four is keeping financial secrets, 24:39 keeping financial secrets. 24:43 What I like to do is take you 24:45 through some of the conversations 24:46 I had it when I speech. 24:48 We asked the questions about the top stress in their life 24:50 and the top three crises 24:52 they think families are dealing with. 24:54 I like to hear what they have to say. 24:58 "Speaking with the Will today. 24:59 What would you consider the top three crises 25:02 that families are going through today?" 25:04 "Top three crises that families are going through today are, 25:08 would be, one financial situations 25:11 in the black communities 25:13 and the unfortunate communities, 25:16 two would be... 25:22 I'm not sure." 25:23 "That kind of stressful, families, 25:25 or relationships maybe?" 25:28 "Yeah, relationships, maybe a communication, 25:32 less communication in the family, 25:33 a lot of families tend grow apart 25:35 through marriages or what not, you know. 25:40 So lack of communication." 25:44 "Early pregnancy, stupidity, and... 25:49 jobs, lost of jobs." 25:52 "My friend, I appreciate your time." 25:54 "Thank you." 25:55 "What do you consider the top three crises 25:57 that families are dealing with today?" 25:59 "Probably the top three crises, money. 26:01 Money is one of them, 26:02 and then just like inner family conflicts, 26:06 stuff like that I would say. 26:07 And probably the third one... 26:11 I don't know the third one, 26:12 just may be spending time out together is, 26:14 like the old families used to, you know." 26:17 "All right." 26:20 "Financial, separation, 26:24 and spirituality, to be honest. 26:28 Yeah." 26:30 "Honor Savage, thank you for your time." 26:35 Interesting what people are saying, 26:37 finances is always in there, it's always an issue, 26:40 and it's something that we should be talking about. 26:42 We should be talking about with our spouse 26:43 or the significant other. 26:46 Combining finances always happens when you get married. 26:50 It's something you should talk through about 26:52 how you deal with the finances. 26:54 Maybe separate accounts may ease the issue 26:56 and the transition. 26:58 Spending versus savings, always a concern. 27:01 Are you a spender? Are you a saver? 27:03 I remember coming home one day 27:05 after buying spontaneously a DVD player, 27:08 my wife asked me the question that 27:10 "We didn't budget for it, why did you buy it?" 27:12 I had to answer the question. 27:13 I think I came in as a spender, she's the savor. 27:16 And we had to dialogue through those specific issues. 27:19 Three, we have to do dealing with debt. 27:21 How are you dealing with debt? 27:23 Are you in debt? 27:24 Does one come to the table with debt? 27:26 And how do you work together to eradicate all of the debt? 27:29 And number four, keeping financial secrets. 27:33 Financial dishonesty can reek havoc 27:35 in any type of relationship. 27:37 Lying about the cost of an item, 27:39 hiding, or sneaking purchases into the house 27:42 can have devastating effects on any type of relationship. 27:46 I asked you take a look at this issue 27:47 because it' s critical. 27:49 Financial problems between married people are a big issue, 27:52 especially in our Christian communities. 27:54 Let's makes certain, we address the issue 27:56 and take it to the bank. 27:59 Bye-bye. |
Revised 2016-06-23