Participants:
Series Code: PUP
Program Code: PUP000006A
|
00:01 Look, Mom, I drew you a picture.
00:04 Yeah, honey, that's nice. 00:06 Mom! Go, what? 00:09 Look at this, I have no words for this. 00:11 Why don't you go find some place in the garage, 00:12 go hang it up? 00:13 Dad, how do you like it? 00:15 Look at this mess, aren't you in the sixth grade? 00:18 Yeah. 00:19 This is like third grade work. Why are you telling her that? 00:23 This is art, it's all about how she feels. 00:25 It's fine for the garage. 00:27 Go, girl, find a hook to hang this up. 00:28 Why can't I hang this in here? 00:30 You people didn't even come 00:32 to my art exhibit that was yesterday. 00:34 You know what? We had something else to do. 00:37 And if you gonna hang this up, I'm glad we missed it. 00:41 Y'all people never come to any of my things. 00:44 Why are you being so dramatic? 00:46 I'm sure plenty of parents didn't show up. 00:48 People got to work. 00:49 Draw something decent, 00:51 and then we'll have something to go to. 00:54 You people make me sick. You people? 00:58 Girl, you got no more times to say you people, 01:00 go to your room. 01:42 Thank you so much for allowing us 01:44 to put a camera in your home, 01:45 so we can really capture what's going on in the home, 01:48 and we did that, right? 01:50 But before we talk about that, what's going on now? 01:54 More of the same. Okay. 01:56 I just don't understand, 01:58 you know, I was always energetic, 02:00 and always trying to do really good work, 02:02 and I make my parents proud, 02:04 and I just don't understand what that mess was. 02:07 I just... I don't get it. 02:09 Yeah, that child has no talent at all. 02:11 I just... 02:12 I don't know where it comes from, 02:14 must come from your side of the family. 02:15 No, not mine. Yeah, it must. 02:16 No. 02:18 'Cause, you know, we were pretty good at our work so... 02:20 Okay. 02:21 What else is going on in the home? 02:23 Yeah, she is always fussing at the kids about stuff, 02:24 I mean, she at least look at the thing 02:26 and try to help her out. 02:28 I don't understand. 02:30 You were the one that made her feel bad 02:31 and told her that she did third grade work. 02:34 But, you know, it just look a mess to me. 02:36 All right. 02:37 So you say you were always energetic. 02:39 Are they not energetic? 02:41 No, you know, 02:42 I try to motivate them to do more, 02:44 and to get more into their schoolwork, 02:48 and our boy, 02:49 I try to talk to him about getting in sports. 02:51 He's not interested in anything. 02:53 We used to always want to play outside, 02:54 and ride our bikes, and rip and run outside. 02:57 These kids don't want to do that. 02:58 Nothing. What are they doing instead? 03:01 Oh, just... Sitting around. 03:03 Video games. 03:05 They're playing on their phones? 03:06 No. Okay. 03:07 Well, this... 03:09 When we think about the tape, 03:10 can you think of anything that you see 03:12 that you may be doing on here that might... 03:15 I know, she bothered me, 03:17 I was in the middle of something, 03:18 she showed me that picture. 03:19 I don't want to see that. Okay. 03:21 That's one thing I noticed, 03:22 is that what you're talking about? 03:23 Well, yeah, you did seem bothered. 03:25 Yes. 03:26 Okay, so she bothers you? Yes. 03:28 And I was in the middle doing something too. 03:29 I was on my phone 03:30 because I had something I needed to do. 03:32 She is always on her phone. 03:33 Oh, okay, so you were little distracted? 03:36 I wasn't distracted, 03:37 I was focused on what I was doing. 03:39 I think she distracted my wife. 03:41 Okay, so she distracted your wife. 03:43 Yes. Yes, exactly, thank you. 03:45 Yes. 03:46 So, but, is there anything else 03:49 you can think of just from watching that, 03:51 you know, for example, I think you said, 03:54 "Look at that mess." 03:57 He said that. That was a mess. 03:58 Oh, he said that. 04:00 She wanted her to hang it up in the garage on a hook. 04:02 Okay, but I noticed that you responded to that 04:05 when he said that. 04:06 It was something 04:07 that you don't feel he should have said. 04:10 Well, I mean, it was good enough 04:11 to hang in the garage, 04:13 I mean, he shouldn't have said it like that. 04:14 It was a mess. 04:15 Okay, but I guess what I'm saying, 04:17 do you feel that it was okay for him to tell her directly, 04:20 "This is a mess." 04:21 No. Look, we get tired. 04:23 I'm tired... No, it wasn't okay. 04:24 I'm tired of talking about the same stuff with these kids. 04:26 Tell me what stuff you are talking about? 04:28 Just like the picture, I've shown her how to draw, 04:29 I've shown her how to do the stuff. 04:31 You have not shown her how to draw. 04:32 I've shown her that stuff before, 04:34 I've shown it. 04:35 No, you have not. No, you have not. 04:36 And when she brought that to me, 04:38 I'm thinking, "Really, this is what you bring to me." 04:40 She's in the sixth grade. She knows how to draw. 04:43 You need to tell the truth. 04:45 Okay, so tell me what the truth is? 04:46 Yeah, what is the truth? 04:48 The truth is he don't spend any time with her. 04:49 I do. 04:50 You do not. I do. 04:52 I showed her how to do it. 04:53 She should know how to do about now. 04:55 You did not show her. 04:56 Okay, tell me, when did you show her? 04:57 Oh, months ago, I'm tired of showing her. 04:59 He talks about showing her, but he doesn't actually do it. 05:02 Oh, I'm not gonna keep doing that. 05:03 If he showed her, what would that be? 05:06 What would he actually do to solve that? 05:07 She's supposed to get it when I show it to her. 05:09 He don't know, he would put away his stuff, 05:12 and he would tell her to come and sit down, 05:14 and he would show her how to do it. 05:15 She ain't putting away her stuff, 05:16 she was on her phone that day. 05:18 Well, I never said I was gonna show her, you did. 05:21 You need to put the money where your mouth is. 05:22 I don't understand what she is telling me to do 05:24 that she won't do. 05:25 Okay, but, well, she did say and maybe it's true. 05:28 You said you had shown her, 05:30 she never have claimed that she did. 05:32 But that's not the most important thing. 05:34 What the tape is... 05:36 The video is for, 05:37 is so that you can see yourselves. 05:41 Take some time and really think about what you saw. 05:43 Yeah, I saw her, I saw she wants that phone. 05:46 No, no, no. She's always on that phone. 05:47 I saw that. So you can see yourself. 05:51 Thank you. Oh, I can see her. 05:53 Look at yourself. I know that's true. 05:55 Look at yourself. 05:56 That's very easy to do, to see the other person. 05:59 Yes. 06:00 Which is why I want you to see yourself 06:02 because you can't see yourself 06:04 unless you're outside of yourself. 06:06 But if it's third grade work and she's in the sixth grade, 06:08 what am I supposed to say? 06:09 But you should not have told her that. 06:11 Excuse me. 06:14 What I'm trying to get you to realize 06:16 is what are you doing. 06:18 What could you do differently, 06:21 even if you had to tell her that, 06:23 you know, this is not really the best you can do. 06:25 I should have told that she could do better. 06:27 Yes, what could you do different? 06:28 Tell her she could do better. 06:30 Well, that might have been better than "This is a mess." 06:33 Let's do it like this, suppose, and do you have a project 06:36 you're working at your job? 06:38 Always, yeah. Okay, so you have a project. 06:40 Yes. 06:41 And let's just say that it's brand new, 06:43 you don't know anything about it, right? 06:46 But you're here, you're making efforts to do it. 06:49 Maybe your supervisor showed you once or twice how to do it, 06:55 and so he comes in, he looks it, 06:57 "This is a mess, this is a real mess, go... 07:00 Take this mess away from me." 07:03 How would you feel about that? I would be uncomfortable. 07:07 Okay, are you sure uncomfortable? 07:08 I wouldn't like it. Wouldn't like it. 07:10 It's getting little stronger. Really, what would you feel? 07:13 He mustn't get loud, 07:14 'cause he comes home irritated, angry, 07:15 and peeved everyday. 07:17 I know, a lot to do with this house, 07:18 it had nothing to do with my job. 07:20 Okay, okay, just hold on. I'm still trying to... 07:22 Let's get to it so you feel a little upset maybe. 07:26 Yeah, because maybe 07:27 he didn't give me enough time to accomplish 07:30 or make those strides that he's asking me to make. 07:32 Okay, all right, huh, took so long getting there. 07:36 Okay, so what about her? 07:39 Now put her in the same situation, 07:41 you're her supervisor... 07:42 Who, her? Your daughter. 07:43 Oh, her. Yeah, don't put me in this. 07:46 So, you know, you're your daughter's supervisor, 07:49 and you too, what can you do differently? 07:53 Just how can you say 07:54 what you say, maybe differently? 07:57 But, you know, what I think about, 07:58 I think it's important to have a safe work environment. 08:02 And so... That's a good point. 08:03 You know... That's very good. 08:06 So let me ask you, 08:08 do you really think they are safe? 08:12 Well, screaming out at her probably is... 08:15 I don't know, I guess 08:17 it's irritating her, upsetting her. 08:19 You know what I thought about 08:20 as we talked about your supervisor saying 08:22 your work was a mess, 08:23 that would be very scary for me. 08:25 And the reason what my next thought is, 08:28 "Are they going to fire me?" 08:30 What do you think the child's thought is 08:32 if you're really this adamant 08:34 about the little picture she drew? 08:37 What are her next thoughts? 08:39 Well, she has to feel like dejected. 08:41 Maybe dejected. 08:43 And disappointed, and hurt, and a little afraid that, 08:47 you know, hey, if a little thing like 08:50 this upsets them so much, then maybe, 08:53 you know, they might decide 08:55 that they don't want me around at all. 08:57 Oh, man. 08:58 Excuse me, let's just take time to process that. 09:02 Because I hear 09:03 you're getting ready to come back 09:05 with something so... 09:06 That is very insightful. 09:08 Don't you think that's insightful? 09:10 It is, it is. 09:11 And it probably makes her feel like not even trying again. 09:14 Why bother if my parents aren't gonna approve of it. 09:18 Isn't that one of your primary, 09:19 you know, complaints is that they are so unmotivated? 09:24 They don't take risk. 09:26 Yeah, yeah. Okay. 09:28 So you see how valuable this was for you. 09:32 Wow, you know what, 09:34 I want my children to be able to function in this world, 09:37 not just function but do well. 09:39 Right. Without us around. 09:42 That's why when she brought it to me, 09:43 it was something she did on her own 09:45 but I look for more from her. 09:48 But I don't want unsuccessful, unhappy children. 09:50 No. 09:52 Exactly, so what you want 09:53 is self motivated, happy children. 09:56 Is that correct? Yes, yes. 09:57 Okay, so... What have you tried? 10:01 Have you tried anything to motivate them? 10:04 Give me two things you've tried? 10:05 Well, you know what I thought about, 10:07 'cause, you know, I was a pretty good artist 10:09 in school and I thought about, 10:11 maybe says, he said he tried to show her, 10:14 which he's not an artist at all, 10:15 he has never shown his art. 10:16 You know what? 10:18 But I decided, I thought maybe, 10:20 maybe I'll take her in the art class. 10:22 Okay, well, that's in the future. 10:24 What have you already tried 10:27 to motivate the kids? 10:30 Well, you know what? 10:32 I think like, 10:34 I have tried to spend some time with her, 10:37 you know, just her and I away from her dad, 10:40 away from her brother, 10:42 you know, and just try to find out 10:44 what she really enjoys doing, you know. 10:47 Well, she likes art 10:48 so I've shown her some real art, 10:51 and try to help her understand 10:52 "This is what it's supposed to look like." 10:54 Did you hear that? 10:56 I showed her some real art, is that what you heard? 10:59 I showed her some real art. No, this is what I hear. 11:01 I showed her some real art. 11:03 So she can know it, 11:05 this is what it's supposed to look like. 11:06 But her art is real art. 11:07 Art is all about expression what the artist expresses. 11:09 Well, excuse me, I was still talking. 11:11 I'm sorry. 11:13 Okay, so that implies that what she is doing 11:15 is not good enough, is not real, 11:20 it's almost a waste of time. 11:21 And if she can't come up to the Picasso's level, 11:25 she should not even be doing art, 11:27 'cause this is what real art looks like. 11:30 Do you see that? Yeah, ah, yeah, I guess. 11:33 Okay. 11:34 This is little subtle things that we say and how we say 11:37 that makes the difference for our kids. 11:40 They tells them so much... 11:42 You see that word, real art. 11:44 You see all that it says, your stuff is not real, 11:48 your stuff is not good, 11:50 they can show you how to do like this, 11:52 if you can't reach this level, it's not good. 11:57 You know what I did too, I also asked her 11:59 what she liked about her picture, you know. 12:02 Well, I didn't see that on the video, 12:04 we'll get to that... 12:06 We'll get to that in just a few minutes, okay. 12:08 I just really want to... 12:09 No, you said, you said what things I've asked 12:10 or tried to do. 12:12 In the past, oh, you actually tried to do that. 12:14 Yeah, I asked her what did she liked about her picture. 12:17 And what did she say? 12:19 She told me that she liked the colors, 12:21 and she told me that she just, it's just... 12:24 The way that she has just done it 12:25 all over the page just gave her a feeling of freedom. 12:28 Oh, okay. And happiness. 12:30 Yeah, that's nice. That's nice. Did you know that? 12:34 I did not. Okay. 12:36 But I'm getting it. Just 'cause you didn't ask. 12:37 I know. Okay. 12:38 All right. 12:40 So we don't have to have one-upmanship here. 12:42 Okay, so let's talk about some strategies. 12:44 Well, the goal, let's talk about the goal first. 12:46 What do you want to happen? 12:50 Just give me two goals that you want? 12:52 I want my daughter to grow 12:55 in her talents, and abilities, 12:59 and to be confident in herself in what she can do. 13:01 Okay. And be self motivated. 13:05 I don't want to have to always be the one there. 13:07 I've tried to motivate her, 13:09 I guess, what I'm doing is just wrong, 13:11 it is not helping her, so... 13:13 But that's what I want. 13:14 Well, let's say, good, better, best, 13:15 I don't like right or wrong. 13:17 I can just do it a little bit better, 13:19 doesn't that feel better? 13:20 You can just do it a little bit better. 13:22 So here's just a few strategies 13:24 we're going to try this next week. 13:26 Let's say her to assess her own art. 13:28 So you show her what's... 13:29 You ask her like you did, what do you like? 13:32 Two things you like, one thing you like to change. 13:34 Simple, is that okay. 13:36 And that hurls toward really looking at herself. 13:38 Yeah, that's a good idea to write it down. 13:41 And then be kind but be honest. 13:44 Children already knew if their stuff is a mess. 13:46 They know if they have that. 13:47 So two things you like and one thing you don't like. 13:50 No, I didn't say one thing, one thing you like to change. 13:53 Oh, like to change. 13:57 Okay, so you're saying don't like implies 13:59 there's something wrong with it, and she might, 14:02 you know, now at first, she's not going to be... 14:04 She's not going to feel comfortable with saying 14:07 what she doesn't like, but we'll just keep working it. 14:09 And then one more strategy. 14:12 Give honest, positive feedback. 14:15 Do your very best to be honest, but kind with your feedback. 14:19 So you probably won't hear on the next video that 14:23 "it's a mess," we won't hear that. 14:26 Well, our time is up and I think 14:29 we're going to have a very brief word of prayer 14:31 before we leave and ask the Lord to guide 14:33 as you try these strategies, okay? 14:35 Okay. Okay. 14:37 Most honorable Father, we're just so grateful 14:39 for Your healing power in this family. 14:41 We thank You so much 14:43 that they have an understanding now 14:44 that they didn't have before. 14:45 We ask, Lord, that You would help them 14:47 to continuously use the strategies. 14:49 Dear Father, and that their family 14:50 would continue to grow in love and kindness 14:52 towards each other and towards You. 14:54 So we praise You, Lord, for Your healing powers, 14:56 and we thank You so much for entering into this home. 14:58 In Jesus' name we pray and praise You always. 15:01 Amen. 15:02 All right, thank you so much, 15:03 and I'll look forward to seeing you next week. 15:05 All right, thank you. Okay. 15:11 So hi, how are you doing today? 15:13 All right. We're doing pretty good today. 15:15 Okay, you seem so much more calm since the last time. 15:18 Yes, we are. 15:19 Okay, what's going on at home right now? 15:22 Things are better. Much better, much better. 15:24 Better, really, much? Yes, yes. 15:27 Oh, I didn't expect you to hear that. 15:29 Okay, what kind of things 15:30 that was going on that's much better? 15:33 Just a few things before we go to... 15:35 Well, last time we talked about our daughter's artwork, 15:40 and she got very good at it, 15:42 and ended up in a citywide exhibit. 15:45 Oh, okay, all right. 15:46 We're going to talk a little bit more about that. 15:48 Let's go to our... 15:51 our camera work that we did in your home. 15:53 And thank you for allowing us to come in to see it. 15:56 So let's look at what we have. 15:59 Look, Mom, I drew you a picture. 16:02 Oh, honey, that is so sweet. 16:04 My little budding artist, 16:06 you drew a picture of our family, 16:08 your dad and me and you. 16:10 You got a lot of nice colors going on in this. 16:13 I really love this red. 16:14 What's your favorite color in here? 16:15 My favorite color is blue. Okay. 16:20 How do you like it, Dad? You know what? 16:22 This is really interesting, 16:24 and what I've liked the most is you made it for us. 16:28 God has really blessed you with many, many talents. 16:31 So, honey, what do you like the most about it? 16:34 And what would you do differently next time? 16:36 Well, I like the different colors, 16:38 and maybe next time 16:39 I'll use a bigger sheet of paper. 16:41 Okay. Okay, what kind... 16:42 What else would you do? 16:44 Well, I'll have to make it neat for next time. 16:48 Okay. 16:49 And the paper is like really wrinkled up, 16:51 what happened with that? 16:52 Well, I kind of put it in my backpack, 16:55 and it just became really wrinkled. 16:58 Okay, so you could 16:59 maybe be a little more organized, 17:01 a little neater with your things. 17:02 Okay. 17:04 You know what I did, I signed us up, 17:06 me and you to an art class and it starts next week. 17:10 What do you think about that? I can't wait. 17:14 I'm gonna call my friend. 17:16 I just can't wait, it's gonna be so much fun. 17:21 That was awesome. You guys did such a great job. 17:26 I mean, I actually saw strategies 17:28 being used in there, so I'm not going to name them 17:31 but you tell me what strategies that you see in there? 17:34 Well, the non-artist... Yes. 17:38 Was hit with that. 17:40 He signed her up for a art class 17:43 and he has actually gone 17:44 to the first art class with her. 17:46 Well, I thought she needed some help, 17:47 you know, and then you talked to me 17:49 about that before. 17:50 And instead of fussing at her and telling her what was wrong, 17:54 trying to get her some help, some instructive help. 17:56 Oh, I watched, you were very constrained, 17:59 you were like that's interesting, 18:01 we didn't here that's a mess. 18:02 That was very nice, 18:04 that was really thoughtful on your part. 18:07 It's a hard transition, isn't it? 18:09 It is. 18:11 It's a daily thing, you have to work at it every day 18:13 and you'll get there. 18:15 Well, tell me a little bit before we looked at the video, 18:18 you were saying something about an art festival. 18:21 Yeah, it was an exhibit, a citywide exhibit. 18:24 And she entered in, 18:25 and they have her artwork displayed there. 18:29 He started out and telling her, 18:31 trying to correct her on things. 18:33 Yeah, and I was gonna mention something 18:36 and I thought should have been corrected 18:38 until my wife looked at me, 18:39 and I thought, okay, let me not say that. 18:42 So I put my mouth closed. Okay, you know what? 18:45 It takes a lot of self-confidence 18:46 to put her art in the exhibit. 18:49 It did. It does. 18:50 Did you think about that? 18:52 Yeah, we put it on the refrigerator after that. 18:53 Really? 18:55 Oh, you put it on the refrigerator... 18:56 Instead of the garage. 18:58 So I know that 18:59 she is pretty pleased with this. 19:00 Is it still there? Yes. 19:02 Well, man, so you two have really done a great job. 19:05 Have you... 19:06 Did you do any celebrating 19:08 for her art festival achievement? 19:09 We did and after it, you know, we went 19:12 and we looked at all the different work, 19:13 art work that was there, went out to eat that evening, 19:17 and she really enjoyed that evening. 19:19 It was her pick where she wanted to go eat. 19:20 Yes. She really liked that. 19:23 She probably felt very special. Yeah. 19:25 Okay, that is so nice. 19:27 So you guys have gotten 19:28 the idea of what it means to actually be positive. 19:32 What about saying 19:33 more positive things in general? 19:36 Yes, I mean, actually, it's easy when you think about, 19:41 you know, art and you say because art is so subjective, 19:44 and artists put their feelings and their emotions into it. 19:48 So I started asking her, 19:49 you know, what do you like about your art? 19:51 What were you thinking about? 19:54 You know, the thing when you were drawing this? 19:56 You know, and she just goes on and on and on and on, 19:59 it's like a flower opening out. 20:01 Well, and one thing about that is we've... 20:03 I noticed, if you feed off of what inspires her, 20:08 you know, it's not fake, 20:10 you know, you're not just trying to 20:12 throw a bunch of flowers at her 20:13 'cause they ain't, kind of, see through that too. 20:16 So I fed off of what was important to her. 20:18 Okay, that's very nice. 20:20 You know, when you mentioned that, 20:21 you talked to her and asked her what she was thinking about. 20:25 That reminds me of art therapy. Have you ever heard of that? 20:28 I've heard of it, I'm not sure quite 20:30 what it's all about. 20:32 It really is this therapeutic orientation 20:35 in which you actually use 20:37 what to express the inner feelings, 20:39 and it sounds like you're doing that very naturally 20:42 so that she can express herself verbally, 20:45 and if she can't, she can do it artistically. 20:46 Oh, great. 20:48 So that's very nice, 20:49 just like you may like to listen to soft music, 20:53 painting may bring those type of feelings for her, 20:56 a drawing, whichever one she like. 20:58 That's interesting, I never thought about that 20:59 because sometimes when you look at her art, 21:02 it's just all over the place. 21:03 I think, she's upset when she's... 21:05 Maybe, like you said, she's expressing her feelings. 21:08 Well, I mean, you mentioned the last time that she said, 21:12 you know, it was all over the place 21:13 and she says she felt free. 21:16 So maybe it's just her way of expressing freedom 21:19 that either she want it or either she feels it. 21:23 I mean, we never can know unless we ask her. 21:26 Right. The artist. 21:27 Right. 21:28 So you had some specific ideas about work, real artwork, 21:32 how is that now? 21:33 Well, that's changed. 21:35 You know, I think I was just upset then 21:37 because I had a certain idea 21:40 of what her work should look like. 21:42 And that really wasn't fair to her, 21:45 so I realized that. 21:46 Wow! Wow! 21:48 You know, I just love the Holy Spirit. 21:50 You know, sometimes I wonder how can you teach, 21:53 it's so much to teach. 21:55 But look at what God did for you. 21:57 I mean, He just opened... 21:58 I know your wife is trying to say it to you, 22:01 that's what the artist is, what they're feeling, 22:04 but that is so nice that you thought that. 22:06 It's very interesting 22:07 because I remember you say you like art. 22:09 I love art. 22:11 He's taking her to the art class 22:13 so that's very interesting that he's doing it and not you. 22:17 Do you do anything that, 22:18 you know, revolve around artwork with her too? 22:21 Oh, what I decided to do 22:22 is that I decided to take her to, 22:24 like one of the art stores and we just bought... 22:26 We just walked through there 22:27 and we just bought some of the things 22:29 that she wanted to do, and then we came home, 22:33 and then, like, once a week I'll sit down with her and say, 22:36 "Okay, you know, 22:38 what would you like to draw this week?" 22:40 You know, "What would you like to do?" 22:41 Sometimes it's crafts, it's not always, 22:43 you know, drawing or painting, 22:44 sometimes it's crafts and we do that together. 22:47 All right, so not only are you spending time 22:49 with her doing something she loves, 22:51 you're opening her mind to other artistic means. 22:53 Right. That is pretty cute. 22:56 So which strategies did you like the best? 23:02 I think being positive. 23:05 Even though I might have saying something 23:06 that should have been corrected, 23:08 just in mentioning 23:11 what I saw might need to be changed, 23:13 find something more positive 23:14 and dwell on that and not the negative thing. 23:18 For me it was about appreciating 23:19 what she like. 23:22 You know, asking her what did she like about it 23:24 and appreciating what she like. 23:26 And appreciating the artist 23:28 that she is and hopefully will become 23:30 through the art classes. 23:32 It appears that for you, 23:34 her being able to express herself 23:36 from the inside is very important to you. 23:38 Yes, yes. 23:39 And then the changes that she make 23:41 or the way she lives is the way 23:43 she desires to live from the inside. 23:45 Yes. Oh, that's beautiful. 23:47 That's really nice. 23:48 So I want to ask you also, 23:50 what changes do you see in her? 23:52 Can you do, seeing these specific 23:54 that's have been changed in her? 23:56 Well, you know, one thing, 23:57 she was always looking for our approval, 23:59 and I think we pushed her away by our harsh words. 24:03 So now she continues to look for our approval, 24:06 but now she's coming a little bit more, 24:09 I guess, she's more confident. 24:11 And now when she comes, 24:12 she knows we're not gonna push her away, 24:14 and we will sit and talk to her and spend some time with her 24:18 instead of just pushing her off... 24:20 Or ignoring her. Yes. 24:21 I didn't like the way I looked in that first video. 24:25 Yeah. 24:26 Well, thank goodness, guys, that God have second, third, 24:28 fourth, fifth, six chances, right? 24:31 So that's the beauty of all this is 24:33 that you can see yourself and you can choose. 24:35 You can still do what you do or you can make a change. 24:38 You know what I really like in this second video 24:41 was that you asked her the question, 24:44 two things you like and one thing you could change, 24:46 and she was really able to target right on some things 24:50 that she could change. 24:51 I really like your nonjudgmental stance 24:53 instead of saying, 24:54 "Girl, you know, this paper is wrinkled." 24:56 You just went ahead with it and allowed her to go with it, 24:59 and I know it's very hard to not do it 25:02 but you went ahead and said, "Maybe, you know, you could... 25:05 It doesn't have to be so wrinkled." 25:07 I thought that was a beautiful exchange for her 25:10 and to be able to accept it, 25:11 she didn't fall apart, she didn't cry, 25:14 and she was, you know, of course, hesitant 25:16 but she did a great job. 25:18 What do you think? I think so. I think so. 25:19 Okay, so... 25:20 So it sounds like the whole family is happier. 25:23 What personal changes have happened for each of you? 25:27 Just one or two? Well, you know what? 25:29 I had to take a long hard look at myself, 25:33 you know, and just kind of step back, 25:35 you know, once I saw that first video. 25:38 And, you know, I had to do some self reflecting and say, 25:42 "Hey, you know what? 25:43 This is not the message that I'm trying to get across 25:46 to my children." 25:48 You know, disinterested, and self-absorbed, 25:51 and, you know, what I'm saying. 25:53 Right. 25:54 I think what helped me is to put myself in her shoes, 25:58 you know, how would I feel if I was there, 26:01 and you kind of helped me 26:02 the last time we were here about 26:04 the example you gave about my job, 26:06 you know, my boss would, 26:08 you know, react to me with my work. 26:10 So I put myself in her shoes and I didn't really like 26:15 what I saw, just like you said, on that video, 26:18 so, you know, we love our children 26:22 and we want them to do well. 26:24 And so I had to make 26:25 some kind of a change to help her. 26:27 Okay, so I was jotting down some of your ideas 26:32 and here's some of the strategies 26:33 that you guys came up on your own, 26:36 some self reflecting, 26:37 thinking about what you are doing, 26:39 and stepping back from what's going on to see 26:42 how your responses are affecting other people. 26:46 The task of learning to empathize, 26:49 think about how the other person is feeling 26:51 and then your desire to do 26:53 the best for your children drove 26:55 you to make a change. 26:56 You'd be amazed at how many people 26:57 actually refused to make a change. 27:00 So I'm so happy for you now. 27:01 I know that you guys have been praying so much more. 27:04 And so we're going to just say a very brief prayer 27:07 and just thank God, 27:08 I love to thank God for His work, okay. 27:11 Oh, I love that. 27:12 Thank You, Father, so much for the healing 27:15 and restoration that You brought to this home. 27:17 Dear, Lord, please help each of us learn 27:19 to use the simple strategies 27:21 that You have on our fingertips to be better parents. 27:24 In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. 27:26 Amen. Amen. 27:28 So you guys have done a great job 27:29 and I'll see you next week. 27:31 Thank you. 27:34 Parents always want their children 27:36 to be highly successful. 27:38 Sometimes the help that you're giving them causes 27:40 them more problems than it actually resolves. 27:43 Attempting to prevent children from experiencing difficulties 27:47 may cause them to experience a lowered self-esteem 27:50 and out and out discouragement. 27:52 So here's a practical strategy, "Let them fail." 27:57 I know that may sound a little difficult 27:59 but every now 28:00 and then children need to experience failure 28:04 so that they can learn from it, 28:05 they can learn how to fix 28:06 the situation without your help. 28:08 They can learn 28:09 that it's not the end of the world 28:11 if they make a mistake, and most of all, 28:13 they may even want to turn to God in prayer 28:16 to get the situation resolved. 28:18 So let them fail. |
Revised 2018-05-02