Pure Choices

Co-habitation

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Pr. Joshua Nelson (Host), Brittany Hill, Jeanne Mogusu, John Coaxum, Korey P. Douglas

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Series Code: PC

Program Code: PC000071


00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues.
00:03 Parents are cautioned that some material
00:05 may be too candid for younger children.
00:40 Hello, and welcome to Pure Choices.
00:42 I'm your host, Pastor Joshua Nelson.
00:44 I'm so glad you decided to join us today.
00:45 We're talking about Co-habitation today.
00:48 Yeah, interesting topic
00:50 because a lot of people wanna know,
00:52 is it okay to live with my boyfriend
00:53 or girl friend before I get married.
00:55 And so we're gonna discuss this today
00:56 along with number of other things.
00:58 But of course, before we begin,
01:00 let's pause for a moment of prayer.
01:02 Heavenly Father, we thank You so much for this day
01:06 and this moment and we ask Father
01:07 that Your Spirit would be here to guide us
01:09 through this discussion, in Jesus' name we pray.
01:11 Amen. Amen.
01:13 Let's introduce our panel.
01:15 To my left I have Dr. Jeanne Mogusu,
01:17 who is a recent graduate of Andrews University,
01:19 happy to have her here.
01:21 We also have Brittany Hill,
01:23 who is also a recent graduate of Andrews University
01:26 in Berrien Springs, Michigan, happy she's here.
01:29 Next to her, we have Pastor KP Douglas,
01:32 from Southeast Missouri, he has two churches out there,
01:34 glad he's here with us.
01:36 Next to him, another pastor, Pastor John Coaxum,
01:39 who is the associate pastor
01:40 of the Glenville Seventh-day Adventist Church
01:42 in Cleveland, Ohio.
01:43 And of course, I'm Pastor Nelson
01:44 from South Carolina with two churches out there
01:46 in South Atlantic Conference.
01:48 So we're so glad that we're all here
01:49 to be able to discuss these topics
01:52 and this of course is a good one
01:53 because a lot of people wanna know.
01:55 "Is it okay to live with my significant other
01:58 before I get married?"
02:00 Let me start with a story.
02:02 When I went to, well, started back pastoring again
02:06 in my new district, I had my, now my wife, amen,
02:12 who was then just my fiancA(C)e,
02:14 and she was living about 45 minutes from me at the time.
02:17 She would come to church with me, you know,
02:18 and they would see us, you know,
02:20 together and what not.
02:21 Now some of the young people,
02:23 they were saying a few things about
02:25 when I was visiting there in weekdays, they say,
02:26 you know, "Why don't you bring your wife with you and stuff?"
02:28 I said, "Well, I know, I don't see her on the weekends
02:30 when I go to church."
02:31 "So what do you mean? You don't live together?"
02:33 I was like, "No, of course, not."
02:34 You know, and they, you know,
02:36 I'm a pastor and they're thinking that
02:38 I'm living with my fiancA(C)e, you know, they had no idea that
02:42 that's not even what Christian should be doing, you know.
02:44 And so nowadays, from seeing that
02:47 and realizing that I said, man,
02:48 it's just a common thing that people think
02:50 that you just live with who you're with,
02:52 that's just what you do is.
02:53 Even in the movies and shows you watch,
02:54 it's always, you know, "Are you gonna get a key,"
02:56 You know, "Are you going to, you know, be living with me?"
03:00 You know, that's usually the next step, not marriage,
03:02 it's usually next step is co-habitation.
03:05 So what kind of biblical principles
03:07 can we take away and teach about
03:11 living with someone before you get married?
03:14 So let's just start talking about that.
03:16 I'll start with, whom do I start with?
03:20 I'll start with Brittany.
03:22 Okay, Brittany,
03:23 is there anything wrong with co-habitation?
03:24 What's, I mean, if there is any,
03:26 what's wrong with it?
03:27 There are a few things that are wrong with co-habitation.
03:30 And the first thing is
03:31 when people are coming together to live together,
03:34 the question is, why?
03:35 And based on statistics, they have like four reasons
03:39 why people choose to live together.
03:41 The first common is
03:42 they're testing the relationship.
03:44 Seeing if it's okay, are we gonna actually survive
03:46 if we actually do get married, so just try this thing out.
03:50 Another thing, reason why it's so convenient,
03:53 you get to save money, you're moving together,
03:56 and you don't have to pay all the expenses
03:57 if you're living separately.
03:59 Another reason is emancipation, a lot of young people,
04:02 they want their parents to know,
04:03 "Hey, I can do this on my own, I can survive."
04:06 So it's like, "I'm free now."
04:07 And the last one is like lead up to relationships,
04:10 they're just basically a person is moving in
04:12 with another person
04:13 because they're dependents and that's what they're doing.
04:16 And sometimes these different reasons mix together
04:19 like a gentleman may move in, he's doing it for convenience.
04:24 The girl, she's doing it because she's testing.
04:27 And then what the issue that rises up is,
04:29 "So, when are we getting married?"
04:31 He's like, "Um, soon, you know, baby."
04:35 And that's a setup it really is a huge setup.
04:38 Wow, thank you for that.
04:40 You know, that's very important for us
04:41 to understand the different reasons
04:43 and I appreciate that.
04:44 That's very good.
04:45 So, you know, those are the reasons,
04:47 why is it bad?
04:49 Yeah, I think it's bad because there is no commitment
04:52 that's being made.
04:53 I think that a person who co-habitats
04:55 or at least the norm seems to be, they are testing it out,
04:58 as Brittany said, they wanna see
04:59 if this thing is going to work.
05:01 But they are not really ready to commit.
05:03 I mean, if you're gonna go ahead
05:04 and live with somebody then I mean, in my estimation,
05:07 in my Christian opinion, you might as well marry them.
05:09 I mean, and make a commitment to be with that person.
05:12 Yeah, okay. I don't agree with it.
05:15 I mean, the Bible is clear, you know, when you get married
05:18 or that is for marriage leaving and cleaving.
05:21 Leaving your mother and your father's house,
05:23 you know, if you wanna go to your own house, fine,
05:25 but going to somebody else's house
05:27 or joining houses, if that happens,
05:28 you know, the Bible basically says,
05:29 when you get married.
05:31 I can speak from personal experience
05:34 not full on checking up.
05:36 But it's, it puts you in a sticky situation.
05:40 You know, especially,
05:41 if the relationship does not work out.
05:43 You know, when somebody is like,
05:45 leaving and they, you're used to having them
05:47 in the house all the time,
05:48 it's like losing a loved one, man.
05:51 It's like experiencing death when they have to leave.
05:53 You know, and also
05:54 that practice of practicing marriage,
05:57 you know, you begin to do things
05:58 that are marriage like.
06:00 You know, that may, that's when sex
06:01 becomes more acceptable.
06:02 You know, I mean, that means
06:04 that you got shower in the same house,
06:05 you know, you're seeing stuff that you probably,
06:07 normally wouldn't see.
06:08 Seeing them in the situation,
06:10 you probably you wouldn't see them in.
06:11 And so it kind of sets it up for during the situation,
06:12 plus if you don't,
06:14 if the relationship doesn't work out,
06:16 you've been pretty much opened your whole world
06:17 to this person, your whole private world.
06:20 And so I think it's a horrible idea.
06:21 Right. And, oh, Jeanne, you want to say?
06:23 Yeah, I was gonna say, just piggybacking of
06:26 what you're saying.
06:27 When you shack up, shack up?
06:29 When you co-habitate, when you play house
06:33 or whatever you wanna call it with someone,
06:35 you're opening up literally a part of yourself
06:39 that should be experienced only with just one person.
06:43 Can you imagine the kind of hurt
06:46 you'd be opening up yourself to if it does not work out?
06:49 And especially, if there's no commitment there,
06:51 it's like, why would you do that?
06:53 And then you can imagine doing that
06:55 like two or three times.
06:56 It's like two or three times,
06:57 your heart is literally going to be broken
06:59 and I mean, why would you even put yourself in the situation
07:02 like that to begin with.
07:03 Well, I mean, it's that,
07:05 we're saying it so that's the ideal,
07:08 but it's really not easy, you know,
07:09 when they're in relationship...
07:10 Let's talk about that.
07:12 Yeah, when you're in relationship with somebody,
07:13 you wanna be with them all the time.
07:14 You know, I can give you an experience,
07:16 I was away at school, and I was dating a young lady.
07:19 And I had my own place and she had her own place,
07:22 but I did most of the cooking
07:24 and so she would come over for food.
07:26 But she would end up staying, you know,
07:28 she was doing homework or something like that.
07:29 She would end up wanting to stay over,
07:30 you know, and it is just,
07:33 when you become comfortable in a relationship,
07:35 it kind of feels like the next natural thing
07:37 to do even if you're not ready for marriage.
07:39 And so I mean, it's not as easy, you know,
07:42 as we make it seem, you know,
07:43 it's actually easier to go into that shacking up mould.
07:47 Yeah.
07:49 Yeah, I mean, I could speak to that too happening,
07:50 you know, the same issue, having the same experiences,
07:52 I mean, it's just so much easier
07:54 to allow that person to stay over
07:56 and you kind of feel like you're sensitized to a point
07:58 where you kind of feel like, well, I mean,
08:00 I'm getting to know this person better, you know,
08:02 the more I stay with him, the more time I spend with him,
08:05 I know now what to expect in marriage.
08:07 But the truth of the matter is that really,
08:10 once you get married,
08:11 and once you make a commitment to somebody,
08:13 everything changes.
08:14 Before marriage and after marriage,
08:15 everything is changed,
08:17 even if you are co-habitating before.
08:19 And isn't that the common thing that people say,
08:21 "Well, this will help hinder divorces
08:24 because I wanna know
08:25 if I can live with this person?"
08:27 Yeah.
08:28 "So that's really a big thing when you married,
08:29 I wanna live with somebody, then I wanna test it out
08:31 and see if I can really, you know, take them."
08:33 Yeah, but the statistics doesn't support that.
08:36 They state that one-third of people
08:38 that co-habitate never make it to marriage.
08:40 Relationships usually last the most four years
08:43 and in out of the others one-third of them
08:45 actually end up getting divorce
08:47 and only one-third of them actually survive.
08:48 So you have like 33.3% chance of actually surviving.
08:51 Wow.
08:52 And even when you do survive,
08:54 they say your relationship is not as satisfying
08:57 as if you didn't do it before.
08:59 So even the stats speak for themselves
09:00 right there, wow.
09:02 I think that a lot of it boils down to selfishness,
09:04 you know, even when you wanna live with somebody
09:06 and you say, "Well, I just wanna see
09:08 if I can live with them,
09:09 or if we can get along, whatever."
09:11 Then we have this misconception about marriage where,
09:13 you know, I'm doing me and she's doing her,
09:15 but we're doing it at the same time
09:17 in the same place.
09:18 When you get married, you know,
09:19 this whole idea of leaving and cleaving is that
09:22 you're now starting a brand new culture,
09:24 it's a brand new home.
09:26 So, yes, so it's a whole new family.
09:28 And so you know, and marriage is so beautiful
09:30 because this, even if you don't agree on certain things,
09:33 you have to come to a consensus that,
09:35 that forms that new culture in your home.
09:37 "How am I gonna do things?"
09:38 But when you shack up, you can easily say,
09:39 "Well, you know what, this is not working for me,
09:42 I don't like the way this is, I'm gonna leave, so."
09:44 Yeah.
09:45 Yeah, I think Satan wants us, if I can say this, you know,
09:49 to co-habitate and to partake in sex before marriage,
09:53 so that we're having a less enjoyable experience
09:56 after marriage.
09:58 In other words, you know, I've heard a pastor say
09:59 that Satan wants us to have as much sex
10:01 before marriage so we're almost having none afterwards.
10:04 I mean, you know, after you continue to have sex
10:05 over and over again, there's no commitment.
10:07 Once you're finally married and with that person,
10:09 it doesn't have the excitement and then it's not as enjoyable
10:13 as it would be if you waited for the time and you said,
10:15 "Listen, honey, I'm committed to you,
10:17 with all my heart and with all my soul."
10:19 There are even statistics as Brittany said, you know,
10:21 to prove that sex is more enjoyable amongst people
10:25 who are committed to each other and they love each other
10:28 rather than people who're just having it casually.
10:29 Yeah.
10:31 I feel like we said this in another season
10:32 anything that says worth waiting for
10:34 is worth waiting for.
10:35 Yeah.
10:37 Because you know, Jesus, we have to wait for Him, right?
10:38 That's right.
10:40 We're waiting for Him to come and that's the ultimate best
10:41 so, you know, you have to be able to learn how to wait.
10:44 And like you said, it gets sweeter
10:45 and gets better as you begin to wait.
10:48 Jeanne, were you gonna add something to that?
10:49 No, no. I'll hold. Okay.
10:52 Okay, I think you know, and for me now
10:54 as a person who is about to get married,
10:57 the unfortunate reality for me, you know,
10:59 my fiancA(C)e outside of college,
11:02 she's living at her parents' house.
11:03 So when we get together
11:05 and we finally have our own home,
11:06 it's gonna be her first home.
11:08 for me, even though I've never been married
11:10 because I've had relationships that have, you know,
11:12 weren't full on shacking, but you know, people,
11:14 we spend time and people might have spent the night.
11:16 To me it feels like,
11:17 if I've already been married a few times,
11:19 you know what I'm saying,
11:20 and so my expectations are also different.
11:22 You know what I'm saying,
11:24 and now it's like this is my home
11:25 and I'm looking at it
11:26 in a completely different way than she is so.
11:28 All right, now let's talk about that.
11:30 I call that Adventist checking or co-habitation
11:33 where it's not really we actually got it,
11:35 I mean, they don't live with you,
11:37 they got their own apartment, their own place,
11:38 but maybe have a key,
11:40 or maybe they stay often, you know.
11:42 So I mean, let's be honest, I mean, I'm not assuming,
11:46 I wanna assume all of us have been in that situation,
11:48 but I'm sure many of us have been in the situation
11:50 where it's, kind of, like,
11:51 someone staying over right our house
11:53 and it's like, "Don't need to go home, like,
11:55 why don't you just stay here, stay over."
11:57 And what do you do in the situation,
11:59 especially, let's say if someone,
12:02 you don't see someone very often
12:04 or you're living around places that they come to visit,
12:05 are you really gonna buy, like pay for her hotel
12:07 while you're staying in your house, you know,
12:09 the practical things about it.
12:10 I mean, how,
12:12 what do you really do in that situation?
12:14 I think it can be very tricky like Korey said
12:18 because you're opening up your space to someone
12:22 who has not bought the house permit.
12:25 There's a reason
12:27 why when you go and buy a house.
12:28 They don't allow you to stay in the house first
12:31 and then you can pay later, you know.
12:34 The bank will ask for the money upfront
12:37 and then, you know,
12:39 you have committed to buy the house.
12:41 That's why you have to make sure
12:42 that the house is exactly what you want,
12:44 you know 'cause once our mortgage
12:46 and paperwork goes in, that's it, it's a wrap.
12:50 But somehow we think, we take more, I guess care,
12:54 buying things like cars and houses than we do
12:58 with something as precious
12:59 and as sacred as marriage, you know.
13:04 I mean, think about how much thought
13:06 you put into paying for getting a mortgage
13:09 like buying a house.
13:10 And then you're like, "Uh, I mean, I kind of like him,
13:13 I kind of like Josh, maybe we can, you know,
13:15 let's see how this thing works out."
13:16 You were so callous when it come to something
13:19 that's literally a lifetime commitment.
13:22 You know, and you probably won't even stay
13:24 in the same house for three or four years, you know.
13:28 But, yeah.
13:30 Sometimes you just gotta make the...
13:32 and this is just
13:33 sometimes you just gotta make the hard decision
13:35 and just stop.
13:36 You know, I was dating a young lady
13:37 and she lived on campus at the time,
13:40 but she would stay over every now and then.
13:42 And I'm gonna be real
13:43 that staying over let to other stuff, you know,
13:45 that probably would not have happened
13:47 had she had not be staying over.
13:48 And I maybe eventually the guilt getting to us,
13:50 you know.
13:52 Just feeling bad because we keep putting ourselves
13:53 in the situation
13:55 and so we both sat down and talked about it.
13:57 And I was like, "Listen, we're gonna have to stop,
13:59 like you cannot stay here at all."
14:01 And interestingly enough, you know,
14:03 shortly after making that decision,
14:05 it's as if the relationship, kind of began to fizzle away.
14:08 You know, where now the relationship
14:10 wasn't dependent on that time that we were spending together.
14:13 We started to see, you know,
14:15 the real issues that were being masked
14:17 because we were spending that kind of time together.
14:19 And we ended up ending the relationship,
14:21 you know, so sometimes you just got to kind of just,
14:23 you know, say, you know, I'm just gonna,
14:25 let's do what's right, you know,
14:26 and see what happens,
14:28 and trust that God will work you through that.
14:29 Yeah, because you get caught up in the whole,
14:31 like, playing house thing
14:32 and then the real issues don't ever surface or come out.
14:35 And your relation will be based on that shack up moment.
14:38 It'll be based on that cuddle, you know, on that,
14:41 you know, in the living room with the lights off together,
14:43 it'll be based on that.
14:45 You'll think that, that's what is really all about, yeah.
14:47 Yeah, I mean, there's a quote that says,
14:49 "Familiarity breed contempt," and I think that you know,
14:52 the longer you are in this type of co-habitation relationship
14:55 with somebody,
14:56 I think you actually begin to, you know,
14:58 hate them to a certain extent,
15:00 and not want them around as much,
15:01 and I've been in a similar experience
15:02 as Korey is talking about.
15:04 And the issue is when you have not committed to somebody,
15:08 when you have not said, listen, you know,
15:10 when you're co-habitating,
15:11 you don't have to sacrifice anything.
15:13 You don't necessarily have to give anything
15:14 to make the relationship work.
15:16 And after a while, you're just like,
15:17 "Why am I doing this?
15:19 What is this? Why is she here?"
15:20 Why is she here? What's going on here?
15:22 I'm not committed to you.
15:24 I don't have to, and especially when it comes to the point
15:26 where you are asked to give up something,
15:27 now you're just like, "I don't wanna give it up,
15:29 I mean, we're just 'shacking up',
15:31 we're not in a committed relationship."
15:32 Yeah, yeah, that's true.
15:34 And I think going back to practicality
15:35 of what you should do in the situation,
15:37 I mean, I do know as weird as it may sound to people,
15:40 I do know people, you know,
15:42 when their significant other comes in town,
15:43 they take out the extra bucks and they buy hotels
15:46 so that person can have, you know.
15:47 I have to do that.
15:49 Yeah, I mean, you know, that's just,
15:50 kind of something you have to consider doing
15:53 if you're trying to keep yourself,
15:54 and safeguard yourself from situations.
15:56 Because I mean, as much as you say
15:58 I'm strong, you know, I'm not gonna do it,
15:59 you go and sleep in your room, I'm sleeping in my room.
16:01 Okay, you know, that knock's gonna come on your door
16:04 and you're like, come on in, so you gotta make sure
16:07 you're in a faraway places,
16:09 you know, if you're in that situation.
16:11 So let's go a little further now
16:14 and ask the question of how long should you spend
16:18 with someone, okay, so if you are, I mean,
16:21 should you even enter someone's house, you know,
16:23 let's say, you know, I have an apartment,
16:25 and I'm gonna get my girlfriend come over,
16:26 should I, you know,
16:28 let's say it's nearly 3 o'clock in the afternoon.
16:29 Shall I let her come in?
16:31 And she's staying for two hours and leave
16:32 when no one's there
16:33 or should I never let her inside the door
16:35 because it's just the two of us, you know.
16:36 Well, if you haven't, I would say don't start.
16:39 Because just like John said, once you get in, you know,
16:41 sometimes you get in to that habit
16:43 and you start to ease up a little bit more, you know.
16:46 It's just four hours now.
16:47 It'll start with come over and watch a movie, you know.
16:50 We kind of set it up, because we know
16:51 what's gonna happen if you come over
16:52 to watch movie at 8 o'clock, the movie is gonna end at 10.
16:55 "I'm not trying to drive home." Yeah.
16:57 And then you'll have her to look at your house
16:59 because you don't want her to drive home by herself.
17:01 And so don't even put yourself in that situation.
17:04 You know, because once you, with anything else.
17:06 Once you give it a little bit of leeway,
17:08 it's gonna become more, more comfortable,
17:10 you're gonna start taking more,
17:11 "I'm just gonna take a little nap first,
17:13 I'll leave at 12 and then next day leaving at 2,
17:15 next day leaving at 6, and then next, you know,
17:17 she'll bring her work clothes to take a shower...
17:19 Lots of sharing.
17:20 Yeah, so just don't even start it
17:22 if you haven't started already.
17:24 Yeah, yeah.
17:25 And we get to know yourself too
17:26 and know your own triggers as well.
17:28 I mean I personally don't see anything that's,
17:30 you know, completely wrong with a girl, or a guy
17:32 coming over to the boyfriend or girlfriend's house
17:34 and watching a movie.
17:35 But I do think that there are certain times
17:37 at the night
17:38 when you should not be together alone.
17:40 I just don't see that.
17:42 If you're gonna be together then be in a public place.
17:43 But I mean, all of us are sexual beings,
17:46 I don't care who you are, where you come from,
17:47 God made us all sexual, we all have hormones,
17:49 we all have desires.
17:51 And late at night, guys, there's something,
17:53 something about late night...
17:54 Yeah.
17:56 Yes, the clock ticks at 12...
17:58 Twilight zone, everybody is sleeping,
18:00 you know what I mean, who I'm right now,
18:02 you know, know yourself and know your triggers.
18:04 But at the end of the day, I think, yeah,
18:05 there are certain times in the night where,
18:07 nobody should be together alone,
18:08 at least opposite sex.
18:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I totally agree with John.
18:13 I think you have to know yourself
18:14 and know what your triggers are.
18:16 I don't, I wouldn't say that
18:17 you can't spend alone time at all
18:19 because how you're gonna know each other more
18:20 if you don't have any amount of alone time.
18:23 You have to know which places you can go to,
18:25 are you gonna having accountability partner
18:27 that says, "Okay, it's 11 o'clock, where are you?
18:30 It looks I didn't see, what's going on?"
18:31 Or even 'cause, it can be at 3 o'clock in the afternoon
18:34 and you're all alone and something can still happen.
18:36 So it's not about what time it's about.
18:39 Okay, do you have an accountability partner
18:41 that say, okay, at every 10 minutes call me
18:44 to make sure I'm keeping myself accountable
18:46 because I don't feel like I'm gonna be strong enough,
18:49 just in case, or even know,
18:51 okay, let's sit at the opposite sides of the table.
18:53 You're at that part of couch I'm on this side of couch.
18:55 But if you're saying alone time is,
18:57 you're gonna be all snuggly, and close together then...
18:59 We'll be.
19:04 Something, that I have no idea.
19:05 I think that raises the issue of boundaries.
19:07 You have to know and set good boundaries
19:11 and I think, going back to what Korey was saying about,
19:16 what was he saying?
19:17 Talking about some...
19:19 Who knows?
19:20 Who knows what was he talking about.
19:24 But boundaries are really, really important.
19:27 It's a matter of me saying, "Hey, I don't think that,
19:31 if I'm even coming over,
19:33 I don't think that we should do anything on the couch."
19:35 You know, even just sitting down
19:37 or if we are talking,
19:38 maybe we should talk at a table.
19:39 And, you know...
19:41 Yeah, I mean, but it does lend itself to communication.
19:46 Now I remember what Korey was saying.
19:48 Yeah.
19:49 Yeah, so when you are in a position
19:51 where someone is co-habiting or staying over and all,
19:56 you'll find that your physical relationship is used
20:01 as a mask to cover a lot of inconsistencies
20:04 that are not in your regular relationship.
20:07 Like instead of talking something that you're upset,
20:09 "Oh, baby, you're upset. Okay, come, give me a hug."
20:12 And that hug leads into something else.
20:14 You have it addressed
20:16 why you're upset in the first place,
20:18 but somehow you're upset makes someone else,
20:22 "Oh, she's crying, okay, let me wipe her tears,
20:24 let me be nice.
20:26 Okay, come lay down, your head is hurting."
20:28 Next thing you know, you know,
20:30 your clothes are off and something else is going on.
20:32 And yeah, mercy, really mercy...
20:34 Mercy Lord.
20:36 Yeah, and so it's boundaries,
20:38 it's about setting very strict boundaries.
20:41 They are not boundaries that can be shaken
20:43 but boundaries are very firm.
20:45 That kind of reminds me, in any relationship,
20:48 communicate, communicate, and communicate.
20:49 Communicate, yes.
20:51 Anyone who is in a relationship and not yet married,
20:52 communication is the heart of all relationship problems.
20:56 Communicate, when you first get with somebody, talk,
20:59 "This is what I expect, what do you expect?"
21:01 If you're in a situation
21:03 where you maybe shacking up now,
21:04 you may be feeling guilty about it, talk,
21:07 "This is how I'm starting to feel about it."
21:08 I think we should address this issue.
21:10 But you gotta communicate, communicate, communicate.
21:12 Yeah, and then we'll go to John,
21:14 but that's another thing we wanna talk about
21:15 cause what if you feel convicted you should stop,
21:18 the other person doesn't.
21:19 And they feel like you're saying not to is gonna hinder,
21:22 you know, it's gonna make them feel set up a way about, yeah.
21:25 Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
21:27 I think whether or not a person accepts,
21:30 what you're saying is a good measurement
21:32 of what you need to be with that person or not.
21:34 If that person does not accept, you know, your good morals,
21:37 your good ethics, and clearly what's outlined in the Bible,
21:40 I don't wanna co-habitate anymore, you know,
21:42 I don't wanna sleep around anymore, I'm convicted,
21:44 and I want our relationship to be fruitful.
21:46 You know, I don't think you should come over.
21:48 If that person, you know, gets all out of sorts,
21:49 and they are getting angry,
21:51 and they are trying to convince you to, you know,
21:52 the other side, well, clearly,
21:54 I think that person may not be the best fit for you.
21:57 And I'm convinced now in my life that, you know,
22:00 there's a slogan I carry around with me,
22:02 and I tell all my young people back in my church.
22:04 You know, if a guy or a girl
22:06 does not give their heart to God,
22:07 they cannot give it to you.
22:09 Yeah. They cannot.
22:10 They don't really know what love is,
22:11 they don't know what commitment is,
22:13 they don't know how to really form a relationship.
22:14 Yeah, yeah.
22:16 Yeah, I think you have to be honest with yourself.
22:17 You won't be able to set any boundaries
22:19 if you don't think there's a problem,
22:20 if there's an issue.
22:22 So if you're in this ooh la-la-land where you think,
22:24 "Okay, I can go over and I can do x, y, and z
22:26 and nothing's gonna happen."
22:28 Then you're not being honest with yourself.
22:30 And I like what you're saying about this dependency,
22:33 it's a dependency issue.
22:34 If the guy or the girl is saying,
22:38 "Okay, I wanna end this off," and you're like,
22:40 "Oh, no, I wanna us to stay together."
22:43 And you're like, "Okay, let's just do it then.
22:44 We'll just stay together."
22:46 Why do you feel like
22:47 you have to continue to be with this person?
22:49 That sounds like you need to go to some counseling.
22:52 So you have mommy or daddy issue,
22:54 is there a something, is there a reason
22:56 why you feel that you can't live without this person,
22:58 that you can't stand up for yourself and say,
23:00 "I'm gonna do what's right for me,
23:02 I can't do this anymore, you have to go."
23:05 If you can't stand up for yourself,
23:07 what is preventing you from doing that?
23:09 What is that deep rooted issue that's stopping you?
23:12 Yeah, and I will say sometimes at my counseling,
23:15 I do think we all should go to good counseling.
23:17 I think everyone needs me in counseling,
23:19 my wife is a counselor, she must plug,
23:21 but anyway, but no, that really is a valid point
23:25 you're making.
23:26 And what you said John, a lot of times,
23:28 the people who are the most angry about it,
23:30 to be honest, is us guys, as men, you know,
23:32 we don't wheel like,
23:33 "What's happening here is great, no commitments,
23:36 this is awesome, there's cooking and cleaning,
23:38 this is awesome, don't mess this up now."
23:39 You know, some guys maybe mad that
23:41 as their significant other's watching this,
23:45 you know, but the reality is you have to stand up
23:48 for what is right and protect yourself
23:50 in the relationship you hope to have in the future
23:51 with this individual.
23:53 Yeah.
23:54 But I mean, going back to that, you know, they're upset
23:56 because they're just thinking about themselves.
24:00 It goes back to your selfishness,
24:03 "I want what is making me
24:05 feel good and convenient for me,
24:07 it doesn't matter what the other person wants."
24:10 And if you're in a relationship with someone like that,
24:12 then I wouldn't even say maybe I'd say that is
24:15 not the person for you, like unequivocally no,
24:18 that is not the kind of person that you want in your life.
24:21 You need someone in your life, every one of us deserves.
24:24 We don't just need,
24:26 we do deserve good people in our lives,
24:28 who raise us up, you know,
24:30 who help us be the best that we can be.
24:32 Now that's interesting.
24:34 Yeah, who have our best interests at heart,
24:35 that is someone who loves you, someone who can put their wants
24:39 and their preferences aside and make sure that you have,
24:42 you know, you can get whatever you want.
24:44 A sacrificial kind of love is what Christ is calling us to.
24:47 Yeah.
24:49 And if not they better call all tire up.
24:57 Right, you have to say that.
25:00 All right, well, that's good.
25:02 We could talk some more about this
25:03 but it makes sure and clears, no,
25:05 no sleeping in the same bed.
25:06 No, no. Not a good idea.
25:08 Not a good idea? Not even a good idea, no.
25:11 Not even with friends of the opposite sex.
25:13 Yes. Yeah.
25:14 I know people do that too.
25:15 Okay, so now that there are no coming late at night,
25:18 no late texts, okay, all right.
25:21 No friends with benefits. No friends with benefits.
25:22 No, no.
25:24 I mean, you know, in this stuff we've gone through it
25:25 but we know that, hey, at least to a bad place,
25:28 so, a warning.
25:29 All right, well, let's go on to rapid fire question,
25:31 are you guys ready?
25:32 I'll ask some questions. Answer them real quick.
25:35 All right, should the church talk more about sex?
25:38 How? Korey?
25:41 Yes, and as open and honestly as possible.
25:45 Okay.
25:46 Not just old people talking at about young people
25:49 but everybody in the conversation together.
25:52 Okay, John, same question.
25:54 Yes, I do think that, I think older folks
25:56 ought to talk more though.
25:58 I think one of the problems in our church is
25:59 that older folks do not, are not willing to share
26:02 some of the experiences that they went through.
26:03 And because of that young people don't know
26:05 the road that they're heading down.
26:07 I think older people can prepare them for
26:08 what they are about to get into.
26:10 Okay, tough question, Brittany,
26:11 do you think that men struggle more with sex than women do?
26:13 No, I don't think so. Okay, and why?
26:18 I can ask you only one question right?
26:19 Jeanne, what do you think?
26:21 I think that we're just as culpable
26:23 and just as vulnerable as men are.
26:25 Because like John said, we are sexual beings,
26:29 I don't care how high, or mighty, or how low,
26:31 or whatever you are, we are all sexual beings,
26:34 we all have those things wired to flare up.
26:38 You'll have to take a cold shower.
26:40 Yes.
26:41 Okay, here's the tough one, okay,
26:43 if you're practicing homosexual are
26:44 you gonna be able to enter into heaven?
26:47 Wow. Well, I will not say yes or no.
26:51 If you are practicing it's such a hard thing, man,
26:54 because just as John quotes or what the Bible really says,
26:57 you know, God is a process God is taking us to
27:01 and we as who, you know, we can't really say
27:03 that a person has not reached where he's supposed to be.
27:05 You know, there's some issues that we're gonna die with.
27:08 You know, that God may have to maybe use
27:10 and even to shape us.
27:12 So I can't say yes or no,
27:14 I would maybe think not but I don't think.
27:16 Okay, real quick, John, what do you think?
27:18 Yeah, I don't think we could say yay or nay,
27:19 but I can say this,
27:21 "I know when we get to heaven there will be people there
27:22 that we didn't think were gonna be there,
27:24 there gonna be people there,
27:25 there are not gonna be people there
27:26 that we thought would be there."
27:28 Mercy. That's a good one.
27:30 I like what you said there.
27:31 All right, well, we'll end with our Bible text here
27:33 in Genesis 2:24, famous text,
27:38 "This explains why man leaves his father and mother
27:40 and is joined to his wife in such a way
27:42 that the two become one person."
27:45 Let me tell you, being married, that's a beautiful thing
27:47 if we follow the word of God.
27:48 So thank you all for the discussion today,
27:50 it was great.
27:52 And remember those at home, no matter what you do
27:54 always remember to make pure choices.
27:56 God bless.


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Revised 2017-06-08