3ABN On the Road

Thursday Morning

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Edgar & Judith Vyhmeister

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Series Code: OTR

Program Code: OTR000948


01:04 O soul, are you weary and troubled?
01:14 No light in the darkness you see?
01:23 There's light for a look at the Savior,
01:32 And life more abundant and free!
01:43 Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
01:51 Look full in His wonderful face,
02:00 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
02:09 In the light of His glory and grace.
02:19 His word shall not fail you He promised,
02:28 Believe Him, and all will be well.
02:37 Then go to a world that is dying,
02:46 His perfect salvation to tell!
02:55 Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
03:03 Look full in His wonderful face,
03:11 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
03:20 In the light of His glory and grace.
03:26 Sing that chorus one more time.
03:29 Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
03:36 Look full in His wonderful face,
03:44 And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
03:53 In the light of His glory and grace.
04:21 So with pastor prayer.
04:24 Dear Father, today I pray
04:27 that we might have the mind of Christ
04:30 and that your presence will be in our midst.
04:33 May you do a supernatural work
04:36 in our lives this morning.
04:38 May our hearts to your-- open our hearts
04:42 to your word and make appropriate changes.
04:45 May we have the thoughts of Christ,
04:47 the emotions of Christ,
04:49 and the actions of Christ.
04:50 I pray in the precious name of Jesus, amen.
04:56 Let's turn to the scriptures.
04:58 Galatians Chapter 2, verse 20,
05:01 "I am crucified with Christ,
05:04 nevertheless I live, yet not I,
05:07 but Christ liveth in me and the life
05:12 which I now live in the flesh
05:14 I live by the faith of the Son of God,
05:17 who loved me, and gave himself for me."
05:22 In 6 Bible Commentary 1075,
05:26 it describes the new birth.
05:28 She says, "The new birth is a rare
05:31 experience in this age of the world.
05:34 This is the reason why there are so many
05:36 perplexities in the churches.
05:39 Many, so many, who assume the name of Christ,
05:43 are unsanctified and unholy.
05:46 They have been baptized,
05:47 but they were buried alive.
05:51 Self did not die, and therefore
05:54 they did not rise to newness of life in Christ."
05:59 The family today is under attack.
06:03 Fifty percent of first time marriages
06:05 are ending in divorce.
06:08 The statistics go higher for second
06:10 and even higher for third marriages.
06:13 In the church, the divorce rate is higher
06:17 which tells you which groups Satan is interested in.
06:22 My husband and I moved to Sonora, California in 1998.
06:29 We started a couples group that lasted for three years.
06:34 We then started the Christ Quest Institute
06:38 with a weekend seminar followed by
06:41 a three-year cycle of weekly group
06:45 and an every other week video presentation
06:49 by Christ Quest Institute.
06:53 This was a program from
06:55 Life Partners Christian Ministries
06:57 founded by Ken Nair based out of Phoenix, Arizona.
07:02 It was a privilege to work with the couples.
07:06 How true this quote is from education,
07:12 "To deal with human minds is the nicest job
07:17 that was ever committed to mortal man."
07:21 This morning we will describe
07:23 problem couples, state some of the principles taught,
07:28 describe the paradigm shift that had to take place
07:32 and then the impact it had on the couples.
07:37 Example number one, the husband grew up
07:40 in a very abusive childhood.
07:43 His father was incredibly
07:45 verbally and physically abusive.
07:48 At a young age, he joined the marines.
07:51 He was a man's man, in spite of his father,
07:55 he became a very sincere follower of Christ.
07:59 He asked God, whom he should marry?
08:02 A girl's name came to his mind,
08:05 he courted and married her.
08:07 However, under his leadership,
08:09 his wife became quite withdrawn and depressed.
08:15 If she ever opened up, she paid for it.
08:19 He and his wife came to class
08:21 because one of his friends had invited him.
08:24 He was resistant and very guarded.
08:28 How would you counsel this couple?
08:32 Couple number two, this husband's missionary
08:36 father had been unfaithful to his mother.
08:39 As a result of bitterness he brought
08:41 rage and anger into his marriage.
08:45 Even though he was a Sabbath school teacher,
08:48 trouble brewed at home.
08:50 He was known to trash his home in fits of anger.
08:55 He was easily defensive.
08:57 When confronted, his flesh would rise
09:00 as he defended himself.
09:03 He thought that what happened in marriage
09:05 should never be discussed publicly.
09:08 One night, when he was gently asked the question,
09:11 he got mad, and left the group abruptly.
09:14 He left squealing his car wheels out of the parking lot.
09:18 How would you counsel this couple?
09:24 Example number three, this physician and his wife
09:27 traveled several hours each evening to participate.
09:31 He was first elder at his local church.
09:34 People looked on them as a model couple,
09:37 yet the wife felt so alone.
09:41 His wife wondered if she had married the right man.
09:44 Her father had advised her to marry him.
09:47 They both came from missionary families,
09:50 however, there was constant conflict in the home.
09:53 He was irritable, critical, demeaning,
09:57 grumpy, sour, exacting, complaining, unhappy,
10:04 yet they were in church every week, smiling.
10:08 The testimony of their grown daughter
10:11 was that there was always arguing with no resolution.
10:14 She wondered if they really loved each other.
10:17 How would you counsel this couple?
10:21 Example number four was a pastor and his wife.
10:27 He was well-studied and learned.
10:30 He corrected his wife frequently
10:32 and felt superior to her.
10:35 He was proud and self-righteous.
10:38 She was suffering under his
10:39 demeaning oppressive leadership.
10:42 She refused to return home
10:44 with her husband after the seminar.
10:48 She did not want to return home
10:50 unless he agreed to participate
10:51 in the weekly discipline sessions.
10:55 How would you counsel this couple?
10:58 Would you have counseled her to
10:59 go home be under his authority
11:01 just appreciate his good points and not complain?
11:06 What principles did they learn
11:08 that were so invaluable as to make
11:11 the dramatic changes that occurred.
11:14 How would you run a group of couples
11:15 at varying levels of maturity
11:18 with some even separated?
11:21 Their wives would not even come to the group.
11:25 Others had a more mature relationship,
11:27 they just wanted more intimacy.
11:30 All were prophesying to be Christians
11:33 but the husbands especially were bitter,
11:36 blaming their wives, taking things personally,
11:39 so that it was hard for them to be objective.
11:42 Most of them had a 50-50 mentality
11:45 that says, you do your part, I'll do my part.
11:50 If you don't do your part
11:52 then I am not going to do my part.
11:55 Other attitudes included,
11:58 I would be a pretty good husband
12:00 if my wife would change
12:02 or I would be a pretty good husband
12:08 if I had a different wife.
12:11 They were self sufficient
12:13 with a mental consent to the truth
12:15 but lacked a hard change.
12:17 However, they all wanted a better relationship.
12:20 All stated, they were willing for their thinking
12:23 to change based on Bible truth.
12:27 The following are some basic principles utilized.
12:32 Number one, the men were told at the beginning
12:36 that this was a men's discipline group
12:39 not a marriage counseling group.
12:42 The gospel commission in Matthew 28 states,
12:46 "Go therefore, and make disciples
12:49 of all the nations baptizing them
12:51 in the name of the Father
12:52 and the Son and the Holy Spirit."
12:56 Number two, the goal was to help
12:59 a man become more Christ like,
13:02 and to understand the heart of their wives.
13:06 Men were encouraged to maintain this goal of Christ
13:10 likeness regardless of the response of their wives.
13:14 They were there to please God
13:16 not their wives, after all their wives
13:20 might suggest doing the wrong thing.
13:24 Number three, women were not to be corrected publicly.
13:30 It was too hard on them.
13:32 They were already critiquing themselves
13:34 and being very hard on themselves.
13:37 Public exposure would have been
13:39 unnecessarily devastating.
13:43 The men were responsible
13:45 for presenting their wives without spot or wrinkle
13:49 before God, not we as group leaders.
13:53 Ephesians 5, "Husbands, love your wives,
13:57 just as Christ also loved the church
14:01 and gave Himself up for her,
14:03 that He might sanctify her,
14:05 having cleansed her by the washing of water
14:09 with the word that He might
14:11 present to Himself the church in all her glory,
14:15 having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
14:20 but that she should be holy and blameless."
14:23 So husbands ought also to love
14:26 their own wives as their own bodies.
14:30 Number four, men were to accept
14:33 100 percent responsibility
14:36 for whatever happened in the home.
14:38 The same way a foreman accepts
14:41 responsibility for his employees.
14:43 The buck stops here.
14:46 We were not talking about fault.
14:49 Fault means that you are a problem causer
14:53 but we were talking about responsibility
14:56 which means that we are a problem solver.
14:59 Do you hear the difference?
15:01 So fault means we are a problem causer,
15:05 responsibility means that we are a problem solver.
15:09 So what is a spiritual leader?
15:11 And there were lot of misconception
15:13 as to what a spiritual leader was,
15:15 but this is one of the things that we learned.
15:18 A man who has the ability to perceive the spirit of another
15:22 to understand his condition at that moment
15:25 and know what is required by God
15:28 to care for that person's spirit
15:30 in a manner that will increase
15:32 that person's spiritual maturity.
15:35 Let me repeat that again.
15:36 A spiritual leader is a man who has the ability
15:40 to perceive the spirit of another,
15:42 perceive the spirit of my wife,
15:45 to understand its condition at that moment,
15:47 to understand the condition of her heart
15:48 at that moment, and know what is required
15:51 by God to care for that person's spirit
15:54 or her heart in a manner that will increase
15:57 that person's spiritual maturity.
15:59 Wouldn't that be tremendous if every home,
16:01 a man was a true spiritual leader?
16:05 What does that mean
16:06 to accept 100 percent responsibility?
16:09 Many men hear the word fault,
16:12 and I want to clarify this a little bit,
16:14 so we've asked couples,
16:16 we've asked men, what is that mean to you?
16:18 And so we ask them, "Is your wife
16:20 at fault for some of the problems in the home?"
16:22 And they always say, "Yes, of course."
16:26 Then we ask them, "Are you at fault
16:28 for the some--some of the things in the home?"
16:31 They think it's a trick question
16:33 and so then we say, "Yes you are at the fault
16:35 for some of the-- Oh, yes, yes,
16:36 I am at fault for some of the things
16:38 that happen in our home."
16:39 They don't want to take all of the fault.
16:41 You know, now is Christ at fault
16:43 for the problems that happen to us
16:45 as human beings, as Christians,
16:47 as husbands and wives?
16:49 And they say, "Well, no,
16:50 he is not at fault at all."
16:53 Now and the fourth question which is most crucial,
16:55 does Christ hold Himself 100 percent responsibility?
16:59 And then most of the time, they say, yes,
17:02 because that's what the gospel is all about.
17:04 Christ is our only hope.
17:06 He became sin for us. He is our Savior.
17:10 The gospel, the cross,
17:11 that's what the cross is all about,
17:13 is Christ taking 100 percent responsibility.
17:16 It is in this context that men are taught to be
17:18 as a savior to their families.
17:20 This is having the mind of Christ
17:22 which we're gonna mentioned in just a few moments.
17:24 We can agree then with Christ
17:26 that we are wretched, miserable,
17:27 poor, blind, and naked.
17:30 There is a problem with the good guys
17:33 because so often the good guys
17:35 are the ones that appear like they're good guy,
17:37 but they don't necessarily, they're are not
17:39 really truly surrendered in the home.
17:42 Everybody thinks they are great guy.
17:45 What we have asked is, what is your motivation,
17:48 why you are coming here, why do you wanna come here?
17:50 If you are coming to improve
17:51 your marriage, we can't help you.
17:53 If you want to learn what it means to be
17:55 like Christ in your home then we can help you.
17:58 If it is your fervor desire to be a living demonstration
18:01 of the character of Christ, we can help you.
18:08 We in--number five, we introduced the concept
18:10 of the helper which is a word in Hebrews
18:12 the word Ezer and we don't have the pictures
18:17 to be able to show you but there is three letters
18:20 of the Hebrew Alephbet or Alphabet
18:23 that comprises word Ezer and the first letter
18:27 looks like an eye with a little pupil
18:29 in the center and that word reveal--
18:32 that letter means reveals.
18:34 The second letter of this word is
18:38 the letter Zayin which has a Z sound
18:42 and that means the Ax, it looks an Ax
18:44 in the ancient pictorial Hebrew.
18:46 The third letter looks like a 9
18:49 and that means the letter Resh
18:52 and it has R sound and that's the word for man.
18:55 So the word Ezer really means revealer of the Ax Man.
18:59 Now who would be the Ax Man?
19:02 In scripture when they put words like that--
19:05 letters together, it has a special meaning
19:07 and Ax Man in Hebrew means enemy,
19:10 so this is a revealer of the enemy.
19:15 Genesis Chapter 2:18 describes the concept,
19:18 "It is not good that man should be alone;
19:20 I will make him a helper fit for him."
19:24 Elsewhere in Psalm it describes,
19:27 "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills
19:28 from whence cometh my help."
19:30 That's the same word,
19:31 and that's referring to the Holy Spirit.
19:33 So the helper has used for the Holy Spirit.
19:37 This means that God uses the women,
19:40 sometimes it's a little hard but I would encourage you to
19:44 listen carefully and ponder it.
19:46 This means that God used the woman to reveal
19:49 when a man is not representing Christ likeness.
19:52 It is just in her, it is just part of her.
19:54 She is designed that way.
19:56 Wise is the man who listens to his wife
19:59 and takes her into consideration.
20:02 This is a key concept in understanding our wives.
20:07 A helper then is someone who reveals
20:10 how we are not demonstrating Christ likeness.
20:13 A helper is someone who reveals
20:15 the enemy which is self.
20:18 This allows wife to play the role
20:19 that God intended for them to have in a home.
20:23 Men and women tend to treat each other
20:24 as the enemy especially when there are serious problems.
20:28 They begin to have adversarial roles
20:30 and build walls, big walls,
20:33 but God appointed the wife to help the man
20:35 see how he is not like Christ.
20:38 And so this is the concept of the helper,
20:41 and is a powerful concept.
20:42 When you start listening to it
20:44 and you start making application personally,
20:46 it transforms your life and it transforms
20:48 your way of looking at your wife.
20:51 It transforms your way of looking at women.
20:54 Some of the couples when they are
20:55 in the early stages, they can hear when
20:58 the wife of one of their colleagues
21:00 is making a comment to her husband,
21:04 she is being a good helper and they can see
21:06 the value in it but they don't
21:08 necessarily at first see the value for them,
21:10 for their own wives.
21:11 But when you could begin to see
21:12 the value for yourself in your marriage
21:14 that's when you really start having some
21:16 exciting times happen, and God is in
21:20 the business of changing us, isn't He?
21:22 He doesn't want to live us the way we are.
21:25 Number six, your desire shall be for your husband.
21:28 Now this is a part of the curse.
21:30 If you are acquainted with the passages there
21:35 in Genesis Chapter 3, this begins with verse 7
21:38 and onward, "Then the eyes of
21:40 both of them were opened
21:41 and they knew that they were naked
21:42 and they sewed fig-leaves together
21:45 and made themselves coverings.
21:46 And they heard the sound of the Lord
21:48 walking in the garden of the cool,
21:49 in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife
21:51 hid themselves from the presence of the Lord
21:53 among the trees of the garden.
21:56 Then the Lord God called to Adam,
21:57 and said, where are you?
21:59 So he said, I heard your voice
22:01 in the garden, and I was afraid,
22:03 because I was naked and I hid myself."
22:06 Now listen to how God dealt with Adam.
22:09 Did He say, "Adam, you have sinned,
22:11 what in the world are you doing?"
22:14 Instead of doing that he said, "Adam, where are you."
22:16 Here he asked them-- and then he said,
22:20 "Who told you that you were naked?
22:22 Have you eaten from the tree,
22:24 which I commanded you that you should not eat?"
22:26 Now did God know whether he had eaten of the tree or not.
22:30 Of course, he did.
22:31 But that's the way the God deals with us.
22:33 He goes and he listens and he asks questions.
22:37 Whenever you ask questions,
22:39 you usually know the answer
22:41 but you're wanting to see whether they're
22:43 going to answer the correct answer or not,
22:44 where they really understand the situation or not.
22:48 Then the man said,
22:49 "The woman whom you gave to be with me,
22:51 she gave me of the tree, and I ate."
22:53 And the Lord God said to the woman,
22:55 "What is this you have done?"
22:57 The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate.'
23:01 "So here we see already Adam blaming
23:04 God and the woman, the woman whom you
23:08 gave to be with me, she made me eat.
23:11 And then Eve said the serpent deceived me and I ate.
23:16 And so this is the curse and we're just gonna
23:19 mention the curse to the woman
23:21 because the curse to the man that's a mechanical curse.
23:23 It describes, you know,
23:26 tilling the soil and they're going to do
23:27 it with the sweat of their brow,
23:28 but to the woman he said, I will greatly
23:30 multiply your sorrow and your conception.
23:33 Has a lot of women been one of sorrow
23:36 and especially in conception?
23:39 In pain you shall bring forth children.
23:40 Is it a painful? Have you ever,
23:43 known of a woman who did not have pain
23:45 in childbirth except if she had,
23:47 you know, an anesthetic.
23:50 Your desire shall be for your husband
23:51 and he shall rule over you.
23:55 So here is the passage,
23:56 "Your desire shall be for your husband,"
23:58 what does that mean?
23:59 This is a word teshuwqah in Hebrew
24:02 and in the original sense it means
24:03 a stretching out after a longing for--
24:07 a stretching out after a longing for.
24:10 Now this is found in three places
24:11 in scriptures, it's found here.
24:13 It's found also in Genesis 4 verse 7,
24:15 its desire, referring to sin is towards you
24:18 but you should rule over it.
24:20 And then in Song of Solomon 7 verse 10,
24:23 "I am my beloved's and His desire is toward me."
24:26 And so when we look at those passages,
24:28 not any of those really help us to understand
24:30 what this is meaning because if we were to--
24:36 This is going to be a curse, so to be a curse,
24:39 it has to be cursed, doesn't it?
24:41 And so if it really meant that your desire
24:43 should be for your husband,
24:44 so a woman desires her husband sexually and for a man
24:49 that's the number one thing on his list.
24:51 Would that be a curse? No.
24:54 That wouldn't be a curse,
24:55 and so then-- so then as we put it
24:59 all together then within the context of a curse,
25:02 your desire shall be for you husband,
25:03 so a woman looks to her husband
25:06 for value and affirmation.
25:07 Now she looked to her husband for value and affirmation
25:10 and he listened to her and he said,
25:11 oh, yes, and he affirmed her, he showed her value,
25:15 he let her feel like she was just
25:16 the most tremendous person in the whole world.
25:19 If a man did that, then would that be a curse?
25:22 No, that wouldn't be curse that would be tremendous,
25:25 you know, but the curse part is
25:27 that he doesn't have a clue
25:29 how to give you value and affirmation
25:34 in his self-centered motive of operation.
25:37 And so you are craving for value and affirmation
25:40 shall be for your husband, and he will not understand
25:45 how to value and affirm you.
25:46 That's the curse, and that's the curse.
25:48 It's a relationship motivation
25:50 that a woman has in the curse.
25:52 And we could tell that woman get together,
25:54 they talk about-- what do they talk about?
25:56 They talk about their families,
25:57 they talk about their husband,
25:58 they talk about their children.
25:59 We get together as men, what do we talk about?
26:01 We talk about cars and motor cycles
26:03 and skiing, those types of things.
26:09 So we have a group of men
26:12 and their wives who are living in the flesh
26:14 who have very little power in the lives and are stuck.
26:20 If a marriage is in trouble,
26:22 someone is in the flesh.
26:24 We conceptualized the problem as, "lay the sin."
26:28 They know not that they are wretched,
26:31 miserable, poor, blind, and naked.
26:34 The problem is not that they are
26:37 wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked,
26:41 the problem is they don't know it.
26:45 They had to be led to see
26:46 their helpless and hopeless condition.
26:49 They had to become spiritual minded
26:52 and cry out as Paul did in Roman 7,
26:56 "I am of the flesh, sold under sin."
27:01 Only a spiritual man would say that.
27:05 By watching each other they began to see
27:08 the defensiveness and self-justification
27:11 that was so prevalent in the men.
27:14 They saw the hardness of their hearts.
27:18 We encourage the women to speak out
27:22 in an effort to help their husbands.
27:25 The other men saw the earnestness of the women
27:28 wanting their husbands to be Christ like.
27:31 They saw how foolish a man looked
27:34 resisting his wife's efforts.
27:38 Slowly but surely the men would begin
27:41 asking themselves, do I have as little
27:44 understanding of my wife's heart
27:47 as I see demonstrated in the other men,
27:51 could it be that I lack understanding also?
27:56 They gained objectivity in each difficult situation
28:01 by asking the question,
28:03 what is God trying to teach me through this?
28:08 And in fact, if there is one--
28:10 if just one thing you take from this seminar,
28:12 take this question with you.
28:16 When things get rough, ask yourself,
28:19 what is God trying to teach me through this?
28:23 You immediately become objective.
28:27 The men saw that they consistently
28:29 underestimated the impact they had in the marriage.
28:33 And this was something we had to repeat
28:36 week by week, over and over again.
28:39 You are underestimating the impact you have
28:42 on your wife of the family.
28:45 Eventually they saw that their wife
28:47 was not the enemy but their God given helper.
28:54 Slowly the men as a group became humble.
28:58 In stead of the volatile, angry,
29:01 tense group, that went on week after week,
29:04 the man began to realize their hopeless,
29:07 helpless condition that they needed a hard change.
29:12 They needed a supernatural work
29:15 in their lives that would come only by
29:17 a surrender to the will of God.
29:21 They had to die to self.
29:26 Mount of Blessing, page 16 tells us,
29:29 "It is love of self" love of what?
29:33 "Love of self that destroys our peace.
29:37 While self is all alive,
29:39 we stand ready continually to guard it
29:41 from mortification and insult but when we are dead,
29:46 and our life is hid with Christ in God,
29:48 we shall not take neglects or slights to heart.
29:52 We shall be deaf to reproach
29:54 and blind to scorn and insult."
29:57 Wouldn't that be tremendous?
30:00 I remember being told as a young man
30:03 that we need to guard a man's ego.
30:06 What is the word ego mean in Greek?
30:10 Means self, that if the ego is
30:12 real fragile we need to be careful with a man's ego.
30:15 Is that true?
30:18 In reality the ego needs to be crucified,
30:22 self should be crucified.
30:25 So towards the end of these three years
30:28 the group became like a prayer meeting
30:31 with personal testimonies of how
30:33 victories through Christ were occurring.
30:37 Daily Bible study was occurring.
30:39 They accepted Christ death as their death.
30:43 They daily began to rise to newness of life
30:48 because Christ was resurrected to newness of life.
30:54 The overall principle of the ministry was dying to self.
30:58 We had a group of man
31:00 who did not understand how to die to self.
31:04 Many times they would be volatile
31:07 in order to counteract this we had them
31:10 direct questions to the leaders only.
31:14 Ultimately the groups became a living
31:16 demonstration of God's power
31:18 and what happens in a family,
31:20 when the man humble themselves
31:22 confess his sins and cries out to God.
31:27 Now remember we did not correct the women.
31:31 We wanted the man to see
31:33 what power they had in their own families.
31:38 I would like to go back and review now
31:41 the couples that we-- the examples
31:44 that we gave you at the beginning.
31:46 If you remember example number one,
31:47 the husband grew up in an abuse of home
31:51 childhood and his father was very
31:53 abusive verbally and physically,
31:55 he joined the marines as man's man.
31:57 About two and a half years
31:58 into the program, his wife was discouraged.
32:02 Challenged about bitterness toward his father,
32:05 he said I'm not bitter.
32:07 By this time, he had learned
32:08 by watching other men's wives
32:10 that wives do have something valuable to contribute.
32:15 She agreed he was bitter.
32:17 Realizing that his relationship to his father
32:19 was presenting him from bonding with his wife
32:23 and under encouragement he wrote a letter to his father,
32:27 he'd never done that before.
32:30 And he listed several things
32:31 for which he was thankful--thankful.
32:33 He was thankful for his father's work ethic,
32:35 having taught him how to be careful with his work,
32:39 and do things properly and do them well.
32:42 He thanked just father
32:43 for his faithfulness to his marriage vows.
32:45 He never had known of his father
32:47 to be looking at another woman
32:48 or for his father to even wander.
32:52 He learned from his father the importance of money,
32:55 the value of money and how hard it was to earn money.
32:59 He learned from his father how to work hard,
33:04 and integrity, and honesty.
33:09 When his mother read the letter
33:10 to his father as his father was ailing,
33:14 his father a grown man,
33:17 who had never shown any emotions
33:19 whatsoever just broke down and wept.
33:24 From that day forward he was different.
33:28 We're talking about this husband.
33:30 From that day forward, from the time
33:32 that he send the letter to his father,
33:34 and he got feedback from his mother
33:35 about the response of his father.
33:38 From that day forward, he was different.
33:40 He was humble. He was gentle.
33:43 To this day, he has the continence of an angel.
33:48 He has taken on a leadership role.
33:52 And he has sat in many of
33:53 our groups with us helping us out.
33:57 From an intense angry man
34:00 the change has been just incredible.
34:04 Do you remember husband number two?
34:08 This is the one where he would rage.
34:12 He was a Sabbath school teacher
34:14 but he would trash his home in fits of anger,
34:18 defensive, never thought anything
34:22 in marriage should be discussed publicly.
34:25 Well, he still teaches the Sabbath school class
34:28 but now the emphasis is on repentance and dying to self.
34:34 On what Christ has done for you and me,
34:39 that are only hope is in Christ,
34:41 and that His death on the cross is our death to self.
34:50 He and his wife are very happy.
34:53 He finally agreed with scripture that he was
34:56 wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked.
35:00 He has become humble.
35:03 An unexpected benefit has been that his wife
35:05 no longer suffers the incapacitating
35:07 symptoms of fibromyalgia.
35:10 He was previously in hiding now he is very transparent
35:15 about how readily he was living in the flesh
35:18 and the importance of living in the spirit
35:20 by identifying with Christ,
35:23 he could claim Christ death as his own death to self.
35:29 He is a transformed man.
35:33 Remember, the husband number three
35:35 was the physician and his wife who traveled
35:37 several hours and he was irritable,
35:42 critical, unhappy, demeaning, grumpy, sour, exacting.
35:48 Well, he began to take person responsibility
35:51 for his words, thoughts, actions,
35:55 attitudes, and motives.
35:58 He began to agree with Christ,
36:00 that he was underestimating his impact
36:03 as leader on his home by is bad attitudes.
36:07 He allowed his wife to be his helper
36:10 accepting her pointed insight and allowing God
36:13 to do a supernatural work on his heart.
36:17 This meant spending time daily in scripture.
36:21 He realized he could not do in his own strength.
36:24 We recently saw them at camp meeting.
36:27 Tears came to his eyes when he learned
36:30 that his daughter had made a very insightful
36:33 remark to her newly-wed pastor husband.
36:37 The daughter's husband was wondering,
36:39 if this problem put too much blame on the husband--
36:42 put too much blame on the husband.
36:44 She made the comment to him,
36:47 "You have to admit the change in my parents' marriage
36:52 is nothing short of a miracle"
36:55 and as we share that, she'd never shared
36:57 that with her father, he just teared up
37:01 and he is a changed man.
37:04 What happened to the pastor couple
37:07 whose husband-- whose husband's leadership
37:11 was so self-righteous, whose wife did not
37:14 want to return home with him?
37:17 After listening to the classes for some time,
37:20 he became convicted strongly
37:22 that he was not letting his wife be his helper,
37:26 he was fighting the Holy Spirit.
37:29 He was struck by the fact that
37:30 even he was wretched, miserable,
37:34 poor, blind, and naked.
37:37 The blinders came off and he had
37:41 a deeply repentant attitude toward his wife.
37:45 He realized, he had not understood her heart at all.
37:49 He began to allow her to be his helper
37:52 as God would have it.
37:54 His attitude of a learner became profound.
37:59 She blossomed.
38:01 By taking her counsel she helped him
38:03 by the power of the Holy Spirit
38:06 to see self alive, where he had not seen it before.
38:12 They have become a team and as result of
38:14 death to self have been able to help many others.
38:20 I'm going to read you a testimony
38:24 from another group member,
38:26 this was--he typed this out about four years ago
38:34 and I think you'll enjoy it.
38:40 "I had been enjoying what many at called a blessed it life.
38:45 I was married had two healthy children
38:49 a boy and girl, and a successful business.
38:54 Everything appeared to be going just great.
38:57 Suddenly cracks begin to develop
38:59 in my seemingly peaceful existence.
39:02 At work a discontented employee
39:04 had been convincing the other employees
39:09 that if he were in charge things would be a lot better.
39:13 He spoke of a four day work week, more pay,
39:16 better benefits, improved
39:18 working conditions, and more vacation.
39:21 The fact that he didn't explain just how
39:23 he was going to accomplish all this
39:25 didn't seem to affect his impact on the other employees.
39:31 I walked in one day to what I felt
39:34 was a mutiny in the ranks.
39:37 I suddenly found myself in the situation
39:39 that I had not foreseen
39:41 and didn't really know how to handle properly.
39:45 At about the same time a similar event
39:49 was occurring in my home, without me being aware
39:53 that anyone-- that anything
39:55 was significantly different than usual,
39:59 my wife began to explain to me
40:01 that if things didn't change in our relationship,
40:05 she felt she couldn't stay
40:07 in a relationship with me any longer.
40:10 This came as an amazing shock to me.
40:14 Suddenly I was aced with situations
40:16 both at work and at home
40:19 that I had failed to be aware of
40:21 and was not equipped to deal with.
40:24 With hindsight-- in hindsight, these events
40:28 represent to me God's faithfulness.
40:32 However at that time it just looked like
40:34 everything was falling apart.
40:36 I didn't realize that I was actually taking
40:38 the first steps on a journey
40:39 that would give me the answer to my questions
40:41 and the answers to some much more.
40:45 Like many wives before her,
40:47 mine suggested that we see a counselor.
40:50 I didn't have much faith in marriage counselors
40:52 but she insisted, so I agreed.
40:56 After a couple of visits, we both agreed
40:58 that we were not finding the solutions
40:59 that we were looking for.
41:01 However one pivotal event took place,
41:04 the counselor suggested that I read a book by Ken Nair
41:07 entitled Discovering the Mind of a Woman.
41:11 I didn't have much confidence in books
41:13 about marriage either but I agreed to purchase one.
41:17 You might be surprised by my lack of confidence
41:19 in marriage counselors and books about marriage,
41:22 this stemmed from not knowing any marriage
41:25 that had significantly improved
41:26 from counseling or books.
41:28 In fact my wife and I both found it difficult
41:31 to identify any marriage we knew of personally
41:34 that clearly represented to us God's plan for marriage.
41:38 We believe that earthy marriage
41:40 is supposed to hold, to model the relationship
41:44 between Christ and his bride the church.
41:48 In 1986, I was a single man serving
41:51 in a large international missionary organization.
41:54 When word got around the center
41:56 that I was engaged to be married,
41:58 a group of married Christian men
42:00 serving as full time missionaries
42:02 gathered around me to offer their advice.
42:05 One man spoke up and said,
42:08 "No reason you should be happy none of us are."
42:12 The statement was followed by a lot of hearty laughter
42:15 on the part of the experienced married man.
42:18 Was this God's plan for marriage?
42:21 Little did I know that Ken's book was not only
42:24 going to change my idea of marriage
42:26 and my opinion of books about marriage
42:29 and marriage counselors, but that it was ultimately
42:32 going to significantly change my understanding
42:35 what it means to be a Christian man,
42:37 husband, and a father.
42:40 Like many married men I blamed by wife
42:43 for most of the problems in our relationship.
42:45 I thought that if she would just get her
42:47 act together everything would work itself out,
42:50 after all I considered myself a pretty good husband,
42:54 I had been a good provider and physically faithful.
42:57 Logically I concluded that since
42:59 I was doing a pretty good job,
43:01 the problem must lie with her.
43:08 Despite my mind set I began to read Ken's book
43:10 but not really expecting to learn much.
43:13 I couldn't have been more wrong.
43:15 From the very first chapter
43:16 Ken began to layout an explanation of why I
43:19 as the spiritual head of my household
43:21 was responsible that went on my home.
43:25 Therefore any problem in my home
43:27 was evidence that I was failing to provide
43:29 the kind of godly leadership that was needed.
43:32 From the very first sentences,
43:33 I began to realize that I was the problem and not my wife.
43:38 And I was failing in the role of
43:39 spiritual leader in my home."
43:43 And it goes on, he says,
43:48 "Let's return for a moment
43:49 to the large group of Christian men
43:52 from diverse denominational
43:53 backgrounds I spoke of before.
43:55 If you were to ask them
43:56 if they really understood their wives,
43:58 what do you think the response would be?
44:00 Most likely you would be met with
44:02 the universal male belief that it is impossible
44:04 for men to understand women.
44:06 Yet the scripture commands me is husband
44:08 to live with my wife in understanding way.
44:12 If I wanted to be obedient to God
44:14 I was going to have to learn
44:15 how to genuinely understand my wife."
44:20 And he went to the seminar.
44:22 He went to the three year groups.
44:28 "I spend a lot of time on learning
44:30 destructive behavior that first year.
44:33 The process of learning to have
44:34 the attitude of Christ in my home for me started
44:36 not with bringing healing to my family
44:38 but with putting an end to destructive behavior.
44:41 The most obvious need for change in my life
44:43 is the need to stop conveying
44:45 critical or condemning attitudes,
44:47 that I could be critical or condemning in my attitude
44:50 with something I was not even aware of."
44:54 And that shocked the women
44:55 that their husbands could be doing things
44:57 unchristlike that they were not even aware of.
45:01 "What I needed to learn was
45:02 that critical and condemning attitudes can be conveyed
45:05 both with verbal and nonverbal communication.
45:09 It was amazing to me that as I became aware of
45:11 how I could condemn or criticize with my words
45:14 how often I caught myself doing so."
45:18 And he learned how to communicate properly
45:22 verbally and nonverbally.
45:25 He said, "By helping me to see
45:26 my own need before God my critical attitude
45:29 toward others is fading in way.
45:31 It is become-- becoming much easier
45:33 to extend grace and mercy towards others
45:36 as I recognize my own
45:37 desperate need for the savior."
45:41 He was-- for three years,
45:43 he lead one of our groups as a leader.
45:48 Galatians 2 verse 20 tells us,
45:51 "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live,
45:55 yet not I, but Christ liveth in me,
45:59 and the life which I now live in the flesh I live
46:03 by the faith of the Son of God,
46:06 who loved me, and gave himself for me."
46:10 This means that I live by the faith
46:12 of the Son of God, the faith of Jesus.
46:16 How is that accomplished?
46:18 It is done by identification with Christ.
46:22 Philippians Chapter 2 verses 5 through 8,
46:26 tells us, "Let this mind be in you,
46:30 which was also in Christ Jesus.
46:33 Who, being in the form of God,
46:35 thought it not robbery to be equal with God;
46:38 but made himself of no reputation,
46:41 and took upon him the form of a servant,
46:44 and was made in the likeness of men.
46:47 And being found in fashion as a man,
46:50 he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death,
46:54 even the death of the cross."
46:56 And this is the identification
46:57 we're talking about with Christ.
46:59 Let this mind be in you,
47:01 which was also in Christ Jesus to have the mind of Christ.
47:06 Review and Herald July 7, 1904 has a whole chapter,
47:11 whole article on genuine conversion.
47:15 She says "Man cannot transform himself
47:17 by the exercise of his will."
47:19 We can't exercise will and transform ourselves.
47:22 "He possesses no power
47:23 by which this change may be effected.
47:27 The renewing energy must come from God.
47:30 The change can be made only by the Holy Spirit.
47:32 He who would be saved, high or low, rich or poor,
47:36 must submit to the working of this power."
47:40 So it can only be made by the Holy Spirit.
47:43 We can't do by willing it.
47:45 And then in that same-- in that same article
47:49 on conversion she goes on,
47:51 "As the leaven, when mingled with the meal,
47:53 works from within outward,
47:55 so it is by the renewing of the heart
47:57 that the grace of God works to transform the life.
48:00 No mere external change is sufficient
48:02 to bring us into harmony with God.
48:05 There are many who try to reform
48:07 by correcting this bad habit or that bad habit,
48:10 and they hope in this way to become Christians,
48:13 but they are beginning in the wrong place.
48:16 Our first work is with the heart."
48:19 And this is what we've been
48:20 talking about is the heart work.
48:22 "The leaven of truth works secretly,
48:24 silently, steadily to transform the soul.
48:27 The natural inclinations are softened and subdued.
48:30 New thoughts, new feelings, new motives, are implanted.
48:36 A new standard of character is set up, the life of Christ.
48:41 The mind is changed.
48:44 The faculties are aroused to action in new lines.
48:48 Man is not endowed with new faculties,
48:50 but the faculties he has are sanctified.
48:53 The conscience is awakened."
49:00 In 7 Bible Commentary 959 and 960
49:03 it describes a very important dimension
49:08 and we have-- we don't have much time
49:09 to really delve into it.
49:11 But she describes here
49:12 after she has gone and quoted,
49:15 "Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard,
49:17 and hold fast, and repent"
49:19 and she describes with that means to hold fast
49:21 and then she asked and repent and I'd encourage you
49:24 to look that up in 7 Bible Commentary 959 and 960,
49:28 but this is the part that I wanted
49:29 especially for us to contemplate.
49:32 It says "And repent, the life we live
49:34 is to be one of continual,
49:36 continual repentance and humility."
49:39 Not occasional, not repentance once in a while
49:43 but continual repentance and humility.
49:46 "We need to repent constantly,
49:48 that we may be constantly victorious.
49:50 When we have true humility, we have victory.
49:54 The enemy never can take out of the hand of Christ,
49:57 the one who is simply trusting in His promises.
50:00 If the soul is trusting and working obediently,
50:03 the mind is susceptible to divine impressions,
50:07 and the light of God shines in,
50:09 enlightening the understanding
50:11 what privileges we have in Christ Jesus."
50:15 So, what was the key that she says
50:17 that we have to having constant victory,
50:20 the key she says is that our life is
50:23 to be one of continual repentance and humility.
50:26 We need to repent constantly, repent constantly
50:29 that we may be constantly victorious.
50:35 In Desire of Ages 664, it said
50:37 "If the disciples believed this vital connection
50:40 between the Father and the Son,
50:42 their faith would not forsake them
50:44 when they saw Christ's suffering
50:45 and death to save a perishing world.
50:48 Christ was seeking to lead them
50:49 from their low condition of faith to the experience
50:51 they might receive if they truly realized
50:54 what He was, God in human flesh.
50:57 He desired them to see
50:58 that their faith must lead up to God,
51:00 and be anchored there.
51:02 How earnestly and perseveringly
51:04 our compassionate Savior sought to prepare
51:06 His disciples for the storm of temptation
51:08 that was soon to beat upon them.
51:10 He would have them hid with Him in God."
51:14 And I want close with this last paragraph
51:17 from this continually repentance again
51:19 "As we see souls out of Christ,
51:20 we are to put ourselves in their place,
51:22 and in their behalf feel repentance before God,
51:26 resting not until we bring them to repentance.
51:29 If we do everything we can for them,
51:30 and yet they do not repent, the sin lies at their door,
51:35 but we are still to feel sorrow of heart
51:37 because of their condition, showing them how to repent,
51:41 and trying to lead them step by step to Jesus Christ."
51:47 Let's close with the prayer.
51:49 Dear Father, thank you so much
51:50 for the privilege we've had to be here.
51:52 Lord may we identify soulfully with Christ,
51:56 that we may have His thoughts, His feelings,
51:58 His actions, in Jesus' precious name, amen.


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Revised 2014-12-17