3ABN On the Road

Growing Your Marriage Gods's Way

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: David Asscherick

Home

Series Code: OTR

Program Code: OTR000636


01:01 Good morning and happy Sabbath saints.
01:07 Nice to be here at the Michigan Men of Faith
01:11 in Cedar Lake, Michigan.
01:12 I'm glad I'm here. Are you glad you're here?
01:14 Yes. Amen.
01:15 We have a bevy of excellent seminars
01:18 that you can attend today for which we are thrilled
01:21 and two general sessions, two breakout sessions,
01:23 that I think will be excellent,
01:25 one by Ed Reed, the other by Carl Ashlock.
01:27 The seminar that you have chosen to attend
01:29 right now in this opening session
01:32 is entitled "Growing your marriage God's way."
01:36 "Growing your marriage God's way."
01:38 Now this seminar then would be for three classes of people.
01:43 Three people could come to this seminar and receive benefit.
01:47 The first class would be those who are happily married.
01:50 Now I'm not going to ask you to raise your hands
01:52 but you know if that definition of marriage fits your marriage.
01:57 Are you happily married?
01:58 I'm not talking about just a business partnership here
02:01 or a relationship of tolerance, where you are
02:04 tolerating your wife and she is tolerating you,
02:06 but a really genuinely happy marriage.
02:10 I didn't say a perfect marriage, I said what?
02:13 A happy marriage.
02:14 So that will be the first class of people
02:16 that could benefit from this seminar.
02:17 You're already happily married
02:19 but you want to be more happily married.
02:21 And I don't know of any marriage
02:22 that can not be improved.
02:24 Can somebody say, amen? Amen.
02:26 Even if you have an excellent marriage,
02:27 this morning it can be improved.
02:29 The second group of people, that this seminar would be
02:31 a blessing to are those who are unhappily married.
02:36 Those who are going through the motions,
02:37 the experience that I just described a moment ago,
02:40 where your relationship is not a relationship of love
02:43 and romance and intimacy and friendship and partnership,
02:47 it's more a relationship of tolerance,
02:50 sort of a business relationship.
02:52 She tolerates you.
02:53 You tolerate her etcetera, etcetera.
02:55 If you're unhappily married here today,
02:58 whether you've been unhappily for 1 year or 20 years,
03:01 I believe that the tools you will learn today
03:04 can go a long way in giving you the assistance that
03:08 you will need to get started in having a happy marriage.
03:11 Now I want to go on record, just letting you know
03:12 I'm not a marriage counselor. Okay?
03:15 I'm also not a mental health professional.
03:18 But I also believe that what most marriages
03:21 need is not professional counseling
03:25 from a mental health professional.
03:26 What most marriages need
03:28 is a healthy dose of the Holy Spirit,
03:30 a healthy dose of the leadership of the man
03:34 in the family and also submission and surrender
03:37 to one another and to the will of God.
03:39 Amen? Amen.
03:40 I'm not in anyway discounting the mental health profession.
03:43 There are many marriages that do need
03:44 professional counseling but my experience says
03:47 most marriages simply do not need
03:49 that in order to get through.
03:50 And even if your marriage is one of those
03:52 I think you'll receive benefit and blessing today.
03:54 So the second group would be those who are unhappily married.
03:57 The third group would be those who are not married.
03:59 Did any single people come? I just want to see.
04:01 Anybody here single came?
04:03 Okay good, I'm glad a few of you did.
04:05 The reason that I think this is a good seminar is--
04:09 for a single person is that if you want to head due north,
04:12 how many of your steps need to be due north?
04:16 Every single step would have to be due north.
04:17 So if you wanted to head, say due north,
04:19 let's just say this is north,
04:21 every single step needs to be due north.
04:23 But if you're going to walk in a straight line,
04:25 your trajectory begins--
04:27 you're going to walk in a straight line,
04:28 what would be the most crucial step?
04:31 Your first step. That's exactly right.
04:34 Because if you are off just an inch or two
04:36 on the first step and your trajectory
04:38 continues in a straight line,
04:39 you'll be off by a long shot as you get a mile
04:42 two, three, four, down the road.
04:44 And so, for those of you who have chosen
04:45 to attend this seminar and are single,
04:47 it will be a benefit to you because when you get started
04:50 in this beautiful thing called marriage,
04:52 you can start on the right foot.
04:54 And how many of us are there, please don't raise your hands,
04:57 who only wish that we could go back
04:59 and start things differently?
05:03 Just recently I conducted a wedding
05:06 and I'll tell more about that in just a little bit,
05:08 but I conducted a wedding of a good friend of mine,
05:10 two good friends of mine, and after the wedding ceremony,
05:14 and what you'll be hearing today
05:15 is an expansion of my wedding sermon.
05:18 After the wedding sermon two ladies approached me,
05:21 older ladies not elderly ladies
05:23 but they were old and maybe in their late 50's.
05:25 They approached me and both of them,
05:27 tears streaming down their eyes.
05:28 They were sisters and the aunt's of the young lady
05:31 that I had just married and she said
05:33 if I would have known,
05:35 if I would have known those five things
05:37 that you went over today in that wedding sermon,
05:39 which we're going to talk about this morning.
05:40 She said that may have saved my marriage.
05:45 Beloved, the reality is, is that we need to start
05:48 on the right foot and continue on the right foot.
05:51 Can you say, amen? Amen. And I believe, beloved,
05:54 you might be 20 years into a bad marriage.
05:56 I believe there's hope for you.
05:58 The two things I want to give you today are hope and tools.
06:02 Hope and what, everyone? Tools.
06:04 It's not going to just a ra-ra party.
06:06 I'm not going to say you can do it,
06:07 get in there, you can be a good husband.
06:08 No, no, no, if it's just inspiration
06:10 you could find yourself back in the very same circumstances.
06:13 What I want to try and do is give you
06:15 five very easily remembered tools that I use personally
06:19 in my own marriage that have helped tremendously.
06:23 And as I said there in the introduction,
06:24 I want you to know.
06:25 And I make no bones about this,
06:27 I make no apologies about this, this is not boastful,
06:30 but I can tell you in the presence of God
06:32 and in the presence of my wife, and no doubt
06:34 will see this presentation one day,
06:36 that I have an excellent marriage
06:38 of eight years that get's better every single year.
06:42 And I can tell you as God is my honest witness,
06:45 I'm more in love with my wife,
06:46 I'm more attracted to wife, and I enjoy my wife more now
06:51 then I did when I married her nearly eight years ago.
06:53 Can you say, amen? Amen.
06:55 Beloved, you can have that experience.
06:56 Maybe you're already having that experience.
06:58 I don't want to assume that you're not.
06:59 I hate it when I read one of those marriage books
07:01 that talks to me as though my marriage is a bad one.
07:04 You ever had that experience?
07:06 I don't want to have that experience.
07:07 I don't want you to feel like I'm talking down to you.
07:09 No way.
07:11 It's altogether possible that you have
07:13 a better marriage than I have,
07:15 that you have an excellent marriage,
07:17 that is all together possible and you're attending
07:18 because you want to have tools to have an even better marriage.
07:22 So don't think that you're being talked down to, not at all.
07:25 What I want to give you is hope.
07:27 What, everyone? Hope.
07:28 Hope. Because marriage is for life.
07:30 Amen. We're gonna talk about that.
07:33 It's for life.
07:35 So if you're locked into this thing,
07:37 and you are locked into it, beloved,
07:39 when you take those solemn vows before God,
07:41 you are locked into it.
07:42 But if it's a happy marriage,
07:45 it's a great thing to be locked into, amen?
07:48 So we're gonna talk about two things,
07:50 hope and how to have tools,
07:54 actual tools that will assist you.
07:55 Now before we get into that,
07:56 that's just sort of a broad overview.
07:58 I'm gonna have prayer
07:59 and then we're just gonna dive right in.
08:01 And I think you're gonna be very blessed
08:02 by this morning's seminar.
08:03 So let's begin with the word of prayer.
08:08 Father in heaven, this morning we come to you as men.
08:14 Father, we want to confess
08:15 before You that we have failed You.
08:19 We make no bones about that, no rationalizations,
08:21 we have failed you as fathers,
08:23 as husbands, as Christians.
08:26 Father, we want to begin by asking for forgiveness.
08:30 And we believe that what you said
08:31 in 1 John 1:9 still holds true,
08:34 that if we confess and forsake our sins,
08:36 you will cleanse us of all unrighteousness.
08:42 Father, we also need strength.
08:44 Give us strength to not continue making
08:46 the same mistakes that we may have in the past.
08:49 And, Father, particularly as relates to us as men
08:52 into our marriages or our future marriages,
08:55 Father, we need tools, we need hope, we need confidence.
09:00 Father, we want to grow our marriage God's way.
09:04 If marriage is a picture, in microcosm,
09:07 of God's relationship to the church,
09:10 then surely, Father, this should be
09:13 the very epicenter of love in our lives and in this world.
09:19 And yet sadly, Father, many of our marriages
09:21 are just relationships of tolerance,
09:24 of putting up with one another.
09:25 Not happy, not intimate,
09:28 not romantic, and certainly not joyous.
09:31 Father, I want to pray for that person
09:32 who came this morning, whose marriage is
09:34 literally falling apart and is a shackle around his ankle.
09:39 Father, give him hope today, give him tools today.
09:43 And, Father, for the glory of Your name
09:45 and for the good of his salvation
09:47 and his wife's salvation, rescue all of these
09:51 poor marriages from the despair
09:55 and from the hands of the enemy.
09:58 And, Father, for those of us who have good marriages,
10:00 teach us how to make our marriages better.
10:03 Help us, Oh, God in heaven, as we spend some time
10:05 studying Your word this morning and going over practical tips.
10:08 For we ask it in Jesus name.
10:09 Let all the saints of the living God say, amen.
10:16 All right our seminar is divided into two parts.
10:18 The first thing we're going to do is talk about
10:19 the main difference between men and women.
10:23 Okay? That's the first thing we're going to do.
10:24 There is a cardinal difference between men and women.
10:27 Now there are many differences and I'm aware of that.
10:30 There are significant differences
10:31 in the way that men conduct themselves,
10:33 the way that women conduct themselves.
10:34 But I believe there is one major difference
10:37 that undergirds the difference between
10:40 a man and the difference between a woman,
10:41 that's how we're going to begin.
10:43 That will be our theological setup.
10:44 It will also be observational and instructional.
10:47 Then we're going to move in the second part,
10:49 we're going to look at five very practical principles.
10:53 How many principles, beloved?
10:54 Five. Five practical principles.
10:56 They all start with the letter "C."
10:58 The five C's of a successful marriage
11:00 that you can incorporate just tonight.
11:03 When you return tonight from
11:04 the Michigan Men of Faith conference
11:06 you can start to put these tools
11:07 to work in your marriage tonight.
11:09 And I believe you'll see
11:10 immediate positive results from these five tools.
11:13 So the first part that we're going to discuss
11:15 is the major difference, the broad umbrella difference
11:18 under which all other differences fall.
11:20 That's number one and number two.
11:22 We'll look at those five practical points.
11:26 Let's begin by going to the Book of Genesis,
11:28 that's probably the very best place for us to start.
11:34 Genesis Chapter 2.
11:39 Now, man, is it safe for me to say
11:40 and you're hearing that men and women are very different.
11:44 Are you comfortable with that, yes or no?
11:46 Yeah, the reason that we're different
11:48 is that God made us that way.
11:49 I want to underscore that.
11:51 God has constituted men and women differently.
11:57 Have you ever had a conversation with your wife
11:59 or perhaps with your sister or even your mother
12:02 or your fiancé-- thank you Lord Jesus.
12:08 For those of you watching on 3ABN our in-house sound
12:11 just turned on for which we are thankful.
12:14 Have you ever been having a conversation
12:17 perhaps with your wife or another woman
12:19 and you are not getting anywhere.
12:22 Have you had one of those situations?
12:23 And you're thinking to yourself am I--
12:25 If you're bilingual you're thinking,
12:26 "am I speaking English or Spanish?"
12:30 I can't understand a word this woman is saying
12:33 and all of her logic to me
12:34 sounds like totally gobbledygook.
12:36 And she is thinking the very same thing about you.
12:39 You might say things like this.
12:41 "You're crazy. That doesn't make any sense.
12:44 What you're saying is nonsensical."
12:46 And she's thinking the very same things about you.
12:49 It's like you're speaking two different languages
12:51 trying to carry on a rational conversation.
12:53 She's speaking in Swahili, you're speaking in Greek
12:55 and you're just like two ships passing in the night.
12:58 Men and women are different. They think differently.
13:01 They speak differently. They live differently.
13:03 And I believe there's a very good
13:04 cardinal reason for that, a biblical reason
13:07 built into the very fabric of what it means to be
13:10 a man and what it means a woman.
13:12 Something built into the fabric of masculinity
13:14 and femininity that makes us essentially different.
13:17 Why are we talking about this?
13:18 Because, men, just understanding
13:20 what this difference is will radically transform
13:23 the way you approach your marriage,
13:24 and I mean that, just knowing this difference.
13:27 Let's look at it. Genesis Chapter 2 and verse 15.
13:29 What is that difference?
13:32 I don't want to over-simplify things.
13:35 I don't want to over-generalize things.
13:38 But I believe that the majority of the differences
13:41 that separate the female gender from the male gender
13:44 boil down to this cardinal point.
13:47 Genesis Chapter 2, what verse we're in, everyone?
13:51 "Then Lord God took the man and put him
13:54 in the Garden of Eden to," what, everyone?
14:00 "To tend it."
14:02 In another version of the Bible
14:03 that I like to read from, the ESV, it says,
14:06 "That God put him in the garden to work."
14:11 Why did he put him in the garden, everyone?
14:13 To work.
14:15 When god put Adam into the Garden of Eden,
14:17 Eve is not yet created at this point yet.
14:19 He puts him there and he says, your job is to work.
14:23 That's why he was there, as the New King James says,
14:27 "To tend it and keep it."
14:29 That was Adam's purpose.
14:31 That was his what, everyone?
14:33 Purpose. Purpose.
14:34 Look at verse 18, "And the Lord God said,
14:36 'It is not good that man should be alone,
14:38 I will make him a,'" what?
14:41 Helper, or the Old King James a help meet.
14:45 "I will make him a helper."
14:49 Now, look at verse 20 of the same chapter.
14:52 "So Adam gave names to all the cattle,
14:54 to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field.
14:57 For Adam there was not found a," what?
15:01 "A helper or a help meet comparable to him."
15:08 Why did God put Adam in the garden? Remind me.
15:10 Why was it that he put Adam in there?
15:12 To work. To work.
15:13 Why was Eve created, according to what we've read?
15:17 To help him.
15:20 Eve was created to help Adam. What was Adam's job?
15:23 To tend and to keep the garden, to work.
15:25 Look at Genesis Chapter 1 in verse 28.
15:30 Genesis Chapter 1 in verse 28.
15:33 "And God said, 'see I have give you every herb,"
15:36 of verse 28 that's 29.
15:37 "And God blessed them and said to them
15:39 be fruitful and," what? "Multiply.
15:42 Fill the earth and subdue it.
15:44 Have dominion over the fish of the sea,
15:45 and over the birds of the air,
15:47 and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
15:50 God here defines the roles of Adam and Eve before sin.
15:56 Before what, everyone? Sin.
15:59 And if we wanted to boil it down,
16:00 it's really quite simple.
16:03 Adam's job was to work and to tend the garden
16:07 and Eve's job was help him to do that and to bear children.
16:11 Are we all in the same page, yes or no?
16:13 That's Genesis 1 and 2,
16:15 that is before the entrance of sins
16:16 or if we wanted to distill this down.
16:18 Adam's job is to work.
16:20 Eve's job is to be an assistant
16:22 or a helper to Adam and also to bear children.
16:26 Okay, so far so good,
16:28 are we all in the same page, yes or no?
16:29 Now look at what happens after sin.
16:31 Many people don't understand this.
16:32 But look at what happens in Genesis Chapter 3.
16:35 After sin, when the so called
16:37 curses are pronounced, they were actually
16:39 blessing more than curses.
16:42 In Genesis Chapter 3, pick it up in verse 17.
16:46 "Then to Adam he said."
16:48 God's speaking to Adam,
16:49 the fall has transpired we know the story.
16:52 "Because you have heeded the voice of your wife,
16:53 and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you,
16:55 saying, 'You shall not eat from it,
16:57 ' Cursed is the ground for your sake,"
16:59 that's why it was a blessing, "for your sake."
17:01 "In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.
17:05 Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;
17:07 and you shall eat the herb of the field.
17:09 In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread,
17:11 till you return unto the ground,
17:13 for out of it you were taken, for dust you are,
17:16 and to dust shall you return."
17:19 Now look at verse 14 of the same chapter--
17:22 verse 16 of the same chapter.
17:24 "To the woman He said," God's speaking to Eve.
17:27 "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your," what?
17:32 Conception or your childbearing.
17:35 Second part of the verse,
17:37 "In pain you shall bring forth children,
17:39 your desire shall be for your," what?
17:43 "Your husband, and he shall rule over you."
17:48 Now this is fascinating.
17:50 This is God articulating the rules post sin, right?
17:56 What were the roles pre-sin?
17:58 Adam's job was what, primarily, everyone?
18:00 To work. To work.
18:01 And Eve's job was to help and to bear children.
18:05 That's pre-sin.
18:06 Now post sin, God rearticulates the roles
18:09 and what does He say Adam's role is post-sin?
18:12 To work., it's the very same thing, isn't it?
18:14 Except there is an element of pain
18:16 and bitterness attached to it.
18:17 Do you see that, yes or no? The roles didn't change.
18:21 All that changed was that now when Adam
18:24 went out to work the fields instead of
18:26 a sinless earth easily bountifully
18:29 putting forward the things that Adam and Evez were to eat,
18:31 now he would have to toil for it by the sweat of his brow.
18:34 His job description didn't change,
18:37 he was still a worker.
18:40 What about Eve's job description?
18:42 Does it change?
18:45 It does not change, beloved, look at it.
18:49 Is she still to bring forth the children, yes or no?
18:52 Was that part of her pre-sin job description?
18:54 Except, there's an element
18:55 in the post sin job description, what is it?
18:58 There is pain associated with it.
18:59 And then he says, your desire will be
19:01 for your husband and he shall rule over you.
19:06 Now in this politically correct society
19:08 in which we live today, these are not popular versus.
19:11 But let's just unpack what's being articulated here.
19:14 What God is saying is that Eve will derive her purpose,
19:19 listen carefully to these words,
19:21 Eve will derive her purpose and her meaning
19:24 and her reason for existence from what Adam does,
19:27 that's what it means.
19:29 Your desire will be for your husband.
19:32 That's very much the same way it was pre-sin,
19:35 except now the element of ruler-ship is introduced,
19:38 which we're not going to unpack this morning.
19:41 Now you say, what is the big difference here?
19:42 Please listen.
19:45 Understanding this one central difference
19:48 will assist us enormously in making our marriage a happy,
19:50 healthy, and holy one, and here it is.
19:54 Men--now this is not a hard and fast rule,
19:57 it's not like one plus one is two.
19:59 But this is a broad biblical principle.
20:04 It's a what did I say, everyone?
20:05 A broad biblical principle.
20:08 Because invariably when you
20:09 start talking about rules, somebody's gonna say,
20:11 "Well, that doesn't apply to me."
20:15 Sure, there are exceptions to the rule
20:17 but broadly speaking we can learn
20:20 a very important truth here, a very important truth
20:23 in Genesis 1 and 2 and that is this.
20:26 Man derives, as a general rule,
20:29 I'm talking about man right here, masculinity.
20:32 Derives his meaning, his reason for existence
20:37 and his fulfillment and satisfaction in life
20:40 from what he does with his hands.
20:44 Are you with me?
20:47 He's a worker.
20:49 That's what he was in Eden, that's what he is today.
20:53 For a man to be a failure he would have to be
20:56 thinking thoughts like this,
20:58 "I haven't accomplished anything."
21:01 Right? Does that make sense?
21:02 If you felt like I have not accomplished anything.
21:05 Here I'm 40 years old, I've not accomplished anything,
21:07 I'm a failure, that's the way men think.
21:11 We derive a significant part of our self-worth,
21:14 our value, our meaning in life based on what we have
21:17 accomplished and what we have done.
21:19 We'd like to build the dog house,
21:21 step back and say that's a mighty fine dog house.
21:23 Look at the quality,
21:24 look at the architecture of this dog house.
21:28 We put new cabinets in the kitchen,
21:30 we didn't hire somebody from home depot to come do it,
21:33 we saved ourselves $1200, sure the cabinets
21:35 don't look quite like they could have
21:36 but look at those cabinets.
21:38 Fine pieces of architectural beauty,
21:41 aren't they, sweetie? Sweetie?
21:51 More often then not, men become workaholics,
21:55 more than women.
21:56 It's not that a woman can't become a workaholic.
21:58 In fact, in the society in which we live today,
22:01 it is increasingly true that women are being
22:03 pushed, pushed, pushed
22:04 into the carrier mold, the carrier mentality.
22:07 But as a general rule, it's the man
22:09 that spends too much time at work.
22:11 Are you hearing me? Now, you're gonna say,
22:13 "oh, that's because my boss is driving me.
22:15 That's because we have this project to get done.
22:17 That's because--."
22:18 No, no, no, the reason is, whether you would
22:20 admit it or not, to some greater or lesser degree
22:23 we are driven by what we're doing.
22:27 If we've done a good job then we have succeeded as a man.
22:33 Are you with me, yes or no?
22:35 God has built that into the fabric of your being,
22:37 you'd better come to grips with it.
22:39 Now, there is the man that is the exception.
22:42 Sure you might be that exception, I doubt it.
22:46 Most men derive at least some part of their self worth,
22:49 their reason for existence from what
22:51 they have accomplished, what they have done.
22:54 Doesn't always have to be work related either.
22:56 I just went on a fishing trip this last week,
22:58 two day fishing trip.
23:01 And we drove, I can't believe
23:03 I'm telling you this publicly, we drove from Troy
23:07 all the way to Sault Sainte Marie, right?
23:09 And we left at 9 o'clock at night,
23:11 after church board meeting, we drove due north.
23:13 Well, that's about 6 hours from where I live.
23:16 We drove through the night and we got across the boarder
23:18 there into Canada, we switched on
23:20 the Canadian side and it was 2:30 in the morning,
23:23 we didn't have a place to sleep
23:25 and so we went and slept in a city park.
23:28 No, no joke.
23:29 Nathan and I we just pulled out our sleeping bags
23:32 and went and found a dark place behind a city park bench
23:34 and we just went to sleep in the city park.
23:36 We hoped no policemen showed up, right?
23:37 Can you imagine saying, "No, we're pastors. Really.
23:39 We are pastors sleeping in this park."
23:41 This was three days ago.
23:43 Now the reason we did that is we didn't want to get a hotel,
23:44 'cause we needed to be up at the first,
23:46 you know, little hint of dawn and so three hours later,
23:48 you know, we could just start to see the hint of dawn,
23:50 so we woke up and getting all our fishing gear ready,
23:52 we were gonna go fishing in the Saint Mary's.
23:54 Okay, we're fly fishing in the Saint Mary's.
23:55 Anybody here ever been fishing in the Saint Mary's river?
23:58 Terrifying, okay. Absolutely terrifying.
24:01 The water is just, you know, pouring through there,
24:04 we're in our waders and you start to wade across
24:07 and the long and short of it is,
24:09 if water starts into your waders,
24:10 it's a very bad situation, okay?
24:13 Especially in torrential rapids and every one of us,
24:17 Scott, myself, and Nathan, we're calling on the name of
24:20 the Lord Jesus that we didn't die
24:21 in these rapids trying to catch a silly fish.
24:24 But here's the point we're there for 6 hours
24:27 fishing, fishing, fishing, fishing,
24:29 and guess how many fish we caught.
24:34 Zero, not one fish, not one bite, nothing,
24:37 all of that for nothing.
24:39 So I got to call my wife on the way home that night right?
24:42 Okay, sweetie, how are you doing?
24:43 You know I've not slept very much
24:44 and I'm on my way back home and--
24:46 Oh she says, how was the fishing trip?
24:53 What do you mean by that?
24:58 Right? What she's asking is, what?
25:02 Did you catch any fish? To which I respond.
25:07 "Well, nobody was catching any fish."
25:13 That trip was a failure. Right?
25:16 It was fun, it was a good time to go sleep in the park,
25:18 that was fun but the trip was a failure,
25:20 we didn't accomplish anything.
25:22 It felt like it was a waste of time and energy.
25:24 Whether its recreation or work or any such thing,
25:28 men tend to derive their meaning,
25:30 their significance, and part of their self worth
25:32 from what they have accomplished.
25:33 If a man--if you find a man who says I'm a failure
25:37 usually that will have something to do with the fact
25:39 that he doesn't feel like he's accomplished
25:40 what he could have accomplished at that point in his life.
25:42 I failed.
25:43 Or if a man has succeeded, "oh, that man?
25:45 He's got his own business.
25:47 Oh, he has his own business with 300 employees, they do,
25:50 you know, 2.4 million dollars
25:52 in business a year, oh he's a success."
25:56 Now what about Eve?
25:59 Based on both the pre and post sin descriptions of eve's roles
26:03 and don't miss this, men, this is critical.
26:07 Just as a man derives a significant
26:08 part of his existence and his self worth
26:11 from what he accomplishes with his hands,
26:13 a woman's self worth existence and meaning in life
26:16 is tied not to what she does but to her husband.
26:22 Do you see that, yes or no?
26:23 Pre-sin, what was her job description, pre-sin?
26:27 She's a helper.
26:29 What did God say about her role post-sin?
26:31 Your desire will be for you're, what?
26:35 Husband. Now, beloved, don't miss that.
26:39 If a woman derives, in this case, your wife,
26:43 if she's deriving a significant part of her worth,
26:46 her self worth her value and the reason for her
26:48 existence from you, and that is not going well
26:53 or you're working too much
26:55 or you're an absentee husband and an absentee father.
26:58 If her meaning for life and existence for life
27:00 and reason for existence is tied up with you.
27:05 This is going to be very determinative
27:08 for how your relationship will work itself out
27:11 on a day-to-day basis because here's the thing, friends,
27:14 you're not gonna like this very much.
27:15 I'm gonna say it anyway.
27:17 If a marriage is falling apart,
27:20 I get myself into trouble when I tell this to men
27:22 but I'm going to say it anyway.
27:24 If the marriage is falling apart,
27:27 it is always at least 60% the man's fault.
27:37 Now I'll put an asterisk there and say in the rare occasion
27:42 such is not the case, the rare occasion,
27:46 less than one in a thousand.
27:48 I want to repeat it, if a marriage is falling apart,
27:54 it is at least 60% the man's fault, usually more.
28:04 Now you're sitting there thinking,
28:06 perhaps this preacher is crazy.
28:12 He doesn't know my wife.
28:16 Right?
28:18 If he knew my wife, he would change that silly
28:22 theory of his in two seconds flat.
28:27 Beloved, listen to me.
28:31 Your wife is taking cues from you.
28:35 You hear me?
28:37 If a marriage is falling apart it is largely
28:39 because a man has not created
28:41 the spiritual familial environment
28:43 in which a woman can feel safe and secure in that marriage.
28:50 Amen.
28:52 Now that stings a little bit.
28:56 I'm not here to discourage you. Why is that?
28:58 Why is it the case that it is primarily
29:00 the man's fault whenever a marriage falls apart?
29:04 It's because the women's self worth, not entirely,
29:08 but largely is tied up with you, with who you are.
29:12 If you create a good environment
29:13 you'll have a good marriage, period.
29:16 Are there exceptions to that?
29:18 Sure, sure there are always exceptions.
29:20 But on the whole, you create a spiritual healthy,
29:24 wholesome, romantic environment in your home,
29:26 you proactively do that, your wife will respond to that.
29:29 She will take her cues on how she responds to you
29:32 from the way you conduct yourself.
29:34 You're the leader, she derives much of who she is
29:38 from you, not from what she does,
29:39 that's not the way a women's mind thinks.
29:41 It's not that she goes and does things
29:42 and therefore she's a success.
29:43 She's taking her cues from you.
29:46 If you set the tone she will follow.
29:48 You set a negative tone she will follow
29:50 and then you have problems.
29:55 Are you hearing me, yes or no?
29:57 Now, beloved, just understanding
29:58 that one difference you can literally remove
30:01 a women's reason for existence,
30:04 you can shatter her entire world by being a workaholic.
30:10 Right? You can shatter your wife's entire world
30:14 by spending more time with your friends than with her.
30:18 Right? There's not a man in the planet
30:20 probably that doesn't have that wrestling tension
30:24 sometimes with his wife about time
30:26 with the guys or time with you,
30:28 time with the guys or time with you
30:30 and that's always hard for us to understand
30:31 but friends, it's not hard to understand
30:33 if we can begin to remember that you are the whole reason,
30:37 the whole--I don't want to speak here in over generalizations
30:41 but I'm going to speak that way
30:42 just so we can get the point into our minds.
30:44 You are a significant part of the reason
30:46 that your wife exists.
30:48 She's taking her cues from you and if she feels like
30:50 she is just the caboose in your marriage.
30:52 If she is just a part of your life
30:55 and you are the whole reason for hers,
30:57 this will crush her out.
31:00 Are we on the same page, yes or no?
31:03 You are the engine that drives her life,
31:05 her reason for existence.
31:07 She is taking her cues from you and if you're wife feels like
31:10 she is only one part of your life,
31:12 one helping among the salad bar,
31:14 then she'll feel crushed out
31:16 and you will have an unhappy marriage.
31:17 Friends, if you have an unhappy wife
31:18 you'll have an unhappy marriage.
31:23 You might be thinking to yourself, man,
31:25 that this guy doesn't know my wife,
31:26 he just doesn't know my wife.
31:28 I'm gonna say it publicly and you're not gonna like it.
31:31 If your marriage is a wreck, I believe in the sight of God,
31:37 could the holy scales that show
31:40 who's at fault and who isn't at fault,
31:42 could those holy scales be removed,
31:43 could the veil be torn back, I think you would discover
31:46 that in God's sight the vast majority of the responsibility
31:50 for your marriage falling apart, rest's on your shoulders,
31:53 even if you don't like to hear it.
31:56 It's true.
31:59 Does that mean that are not errant women that go off
32:02 and do things and a godly man
32:04 like Hosea of old-- sure that happens.
32:09 But on the whole, the fault rests with men, it does.
32:18 Think about it this way.
32:29 If a churchgoes into apostasy,
32:34 say your church.
32:37 And your church goes into apostasy
32:39 because you're unfaithful pastor is preaching apostasy.
32:45 Will God hold the church responsible, yes or no?
32:51 Will God hold the church responsible
32:53 if the church falls away, yes or no?
32:58 Now let's think that through.
33:00 Let's say you have a church of 100 people
33:02 and you have a pastor that stands up
33:03 and preaches some craziness, right?
33:06 And let's say that 70 members in that church fall away
33:09 and go after the pastor's nonsense.
33:11 Will God hold those 70 members accountable
33:14 for going after the pastor's nonsense, yes or no?
33:17 Come on, beloved, of course. Why?
33:20 Because every one of those has--
33:22 every one of those 70 has a brain
33:24 and a Bible that can think for themselves.
33:25 They don't have to go along
33:27 with what some charismatic leader says.
33:28 Does God hold them responsible? Yes.
33:30 But who does he hold more responsible? The leader.
33:35 Now if we as men can say, with almost unanimity here
33:39 with what no doubt be unanimity.
33:40 If we can say here that in that circumstance
33:43 the pastor is more accountable than the parishioners.
33:46 Are the parishioners accountable?
33:48 We all say what? Yes.
33:50 But who is more accountable? The pastor.
33:52 And we say, "Well, why that's not fair.
33:53 How come the pastor is more accountable?"
33:55 Because he's the leader.
34:00 Now if we can say with objectivity
34:03 that that is true in a church situation
34:05 then we need to say with equal objectivity
34:07 that it is true in a marriage situation.
34:10 If God has called you to be the leader
34:11 and the whole thing has gone to hell in a hand basket.
34:15 Do all the other members of that family have responsibility
34:18 and a burden to bear, is their culpability there?
34:20 Sure there is. But where does most of the culpability lie?
34:23 With you.
34:27 Amen? Amen.
34:30 Now let's move from that difference.
34:34 I'm gonna continue to unpack that difference
34:37 but men, that alone I tell you.
34:40 Just understanding that your wife--
34:46 even if you're a bad husband
34:48 that's the amazing thing about women.
34:50 Even if you have been a pathetic husband, like a bad one,
34:56 if you will turn around, your wife will love you
35:00 just as if you have been a great husband all those years.
35:04 God has put into the heart a willingness
35:06 to forgive in the heart of a woman
35:08 if and when the man can step up to the plate
35:10 and be what God has called him to be.
35:13 Just knowing that one central difference alone,
35:16 that your wife is going to take her cues from you
35:19 as to how she conducts herself in a marriage,
35:21 that alone can help you tremendously.
35:25 Now I have married people I think 10 times
35:28 since I've been a pastor, 10 or 11 wedding ceremonies.
35:32 And every time I do a wedding ceremony
35:36 I preach the same sermon.
35:39 I don't know why they keep asking me to marry them.
35:41 I always peach the same sermon, every time.
35:44 They know what they're gonna get. I tell them,
35:46 "I'll preach the same sermon that you heard today."
35:47 "Oh, that's the one I want."
35:50 Okay?
35:52 So here's my wedding sermon, I'm gonna give it to you.
35:55 What I do is I stand up front
35:56 and I say, "listen, your carnal nature, Satan,
36:02 and this society are all warring
36:04 against you having a successful marriage.
36:06 But I can guarantee you here today,
36:08 that if you will follow these five simple principles,
36:10 you will have a successful marriage.
36:11 That's what I say to the newly weds. Okay?
36:14 And I'm gonna make it very easy on you newly weds
36:15 because it's going to be hard for you to remember anything
36:17 I say because all you can think about right now
36:19 is looking longingly into your future spouse's eyes.
36:23 I'm gonna make it very simple for you to remember.
36:27 Five C's.
36:30 Beloved, I'm gonna go so far as to say
36:32 that if you practice these five C's
36:33 it is impossible for you to have a bad marriage.
36:37 Seriously. If you practice these five C's
36:41 you cannot have a bad marriage
36:42 and I'll go even further than that.
36:44 If you presently have a bad marriage
36:45 and you earnestly and sincerely and meaningfully
36:48 put these five C's into practice,
36:50 your bad marriage will become a good marriage. Okay?
36:53 You want to know what the five C's are, yes or no?
36:55 Yes. First one, conversion.
37:03 Men, listen to me,
37:05 99% of any marriage's success is the conversion
37:13 of the participants in that marriage.
37:16 Do you hear me clucking, yes or no?
37:19 You can not take two converted people.
37:23 What kind of people did I say? Converted.
37:25 You cannot take two converted people who have totally,
37:28 completely dedicated and surrendered their lives
37:30 to the Lord Jesus and put them into a marriage
37:32 and have them get divorce, that can't happen.
37:35 That is impossible.
37:38 Because a totally converted person
37:40 is totally surrendered to the will of God
37:42 and the Bible says, God hates divorce.
37:46 The most important factor in your marriage
37:49 is your daily conversion, your surrender
37:52 to the Lord Jesus Christ and his word.
37:54 That includes praying in your closet by yourself.
37:56 That includes studying the Bible for yourself.
37:58 That includes praying with your wife.
38:00 That includes being involved actively and witnessing
38:03 and reaching out to people in your community, amen.
38:06 If you are converted and your wife
38:08 is converted you can't get a divorce.
38:13 And some people aren't gonna like that.
38:15 Because they're gonna say, "oh, preacher,
38:17 I was converted and I got a divorce."
38:23 Really?
38:27 If you weren't divorced on biblical grounds
38:30 and it wasn't entirely your wife that was pushing it,
38:34 then I would strongly question your conversion.
38:39 I believe because the Bible solemnly declares,
38:44 if any man be in Christ he is a new creature.
38:47 Old things are passed away,
38:49 behold all things will become new.
38:50 If you take two genuinely converted, what did I say?
38:54 Genuinely converted Christians, biblically informed Christians,
38:57 and you put them in a marriage together
38:59 they can not get divorced as long as they stay converted.
39:05 If you're having problems in your marriage,
39:08 you come to me for marriage counseling,
39:09 the very first question I will ask you is,
39:11 "are you converted?"
39:16 And if you say to me, "yes." I'm gonna say,
39:17 how much time did you spent in Bible study this morning.
39:22 If you say, "well, I was a little busy this morning."
39:24 I'll say, "okay,
39:26 how much time did you spend yesterday morning?"
39:29 "Ten minutes."
39:32 "How about the morning before?"
39:34 "I was busy that morning, too."
39:37 "How much time did you spend in prayer?"
39:39 I'll ask you the tough questions.
39:41 You can tell me with your mouth you're converted
39:42 but, beloved, if we're not doing the things
39:44 that converted people do,
39:46 we're only making the profession of conversion.
39:48 Can you say, amen? Amen.
39:51 You come to me for marriage counseling?
39:52 Sure, I'll give you marriage counseling.
39:54 And the very first question I will ask in that session,
39:56 I will look to the man and I will say,
39:58 "are you converted?"
40:00 And if you say no,
40:01 I'll say your marriage doesn't have a hope anyway.
40:06 Second question, I turn to the woman and I say,
40:07 "Are you converted?"
40:09 If I get a yes from the man and a yes from the woman
40:11 then you know what I do.
40:12 I turn to the woman and I say, "Is he converted."
40:20 You hearing me?
40:22 Don't worry, the woman gets her just dues as well,
40:24 I turn to him and I say, "is she converted?"
40:29 Beloved, would you agree with me
40:31 that the hardest place to be a Christian is in your home?
40:33 Yes. You want to know
40:34 where are the easiest place to be a Christians is?
40:37 In church.
40:38 Oh, man, it's so easy to be a Christian in church.
40:40 You just wear the right clothes and don't speak up.
40:46 Amen?
40:47 But I tell you, you get into your home
40:49 and that's where it's tough to be a Christian.
40:54 But, beloved, if you can be a Christian in your home
40:55 and you can be a Christian anywhere.
40:58 If you can be a Christina in your home,
40:59 you can be a Christian in the torture chamber.
41:01 You can be a Christian in your home,
41:03 you can be a Christian when you're standing
41:04 before military tribunal at the end of time.
41:08 If you can be a Christian in your home,
41:09 you can be a Christian anywhere,
41:12 even in solitary confinement.
41:14 There is no place where it is harder to be a Christian
41:16 then when you have exposed
41:18 yourself in total vulnerability to another person
41:21 who gets to see you at your best and worst.
41:26 Now I can say to the glory of God in heaven,
41:28 if you put my wife, Violeta,
41:30 this morning right your on the stage and you say to him,
41:31 okay, here we go, here it is the $64,000 question,
41:35 "is he converted?"
41:36 She would say, "yes, he's converted."
41:38 Now if you said, "is he a perfect husband?"
41:39 She'd say, "No. But he's a Christian."
41:44 You don't have to be a perfect husband
41:46 in order for your wife to see
41:47 that you are making strides toward the kingdom of God.
41:52 Conversion, that's the first C.
41:56 If you're not converted and your wife is not converted
41:59 then you barely have a chance
42:01 at all to preserve your marriage.
42:03 However, if you can get converted
42:06 or stay converted and your wife--
42:08 and you say, "what about my wife?
42:09 I'm converted and my wife isn't."
42:11 Okay, that's a legitimate objection.
42:14 If you're totally converted
42:16 and your wife isn't then your job
42:18 as a man is to create an environment
42:20 in which she wants to be converted.
42:25 That's what God was trying to teach Hosea about his people.
42:27 He said, "Hey, Hosea, I got this nice lady
42:29 I want you to marry." "Oh, yeah? Really?"
42:30 "She's a whore. She's a prostitute.
42:34 You're gonna love it." "What?"
42:37 Now you will know how I feel about my people.
42:41 Friends, I believe that if the man is totally converted,
42:44 even if the woman is out to lunch,
42:46 that marriage has a good chance of survival.
42:50 Because the woman, remember, takes her cues from, who?
42:54 From the man. That's what Paul says in I Corinthian Chapter 7.
42:56 Well, he says, If you have an unbelieving wife,
42:58 stick it out, man because the unbelieving wife
43:00 will be sanctified by the Godly deportment of the husband.
43:03 Conversion.
43:06 If your marriage is falling apart you have to ask
43:07 yourself the hard questions.
43:09 Are you really converted?
43:11 If you're not willing to ask yourself the hard questions,
43:13 let me ask you.
43:14 How much time do you spend in Bible study a day?
43:17 How much time do you spend reading the Bible a day?
43:19 How much time do you spend watching television a day?
43:21 How much time do you spend in prayer a day?
43:23 When was the last time you won
43:25 somebody to the Lord Jesus Christ?
43:27 I'll ask you the hard questions.
43:29 I continue to believe that we should make membership
43:32 in the Seventh Day Adventist Church
43:34 contingent upon everybody
43:35 winning at least one soul per year.
43:39 I believe that should be a membership
43:40 requirement in the Seventh Day Adventist Church.
43:43 If we say, you have to abstain from pork
43:45 and is that important, yes or no?
43:47 Is that part in parcel of being a Christian, yes or no?
43:50 Listen, if somebody steps on the, steps on the--
43:53 the platform there of my church and says,
43:55 "I want to be a Seventh Day Adventist."
43:56 And I say, "will you abstain from eating unclean meats?"
43:58 And they say no, I'll say, "you can keep coming to church
44:00 but you can't join my church."
44:03 What is a more important part of being a Christian,
44:05 abstaining from bacon or sharing the good news of the gospel
44:08 with those around you?
44:10 Yeah, you know what it is.
44:12 So if we're going to make abstinence
44:14 from pork a contingency for participation in this church
44:18 then why not soul winning as an actual requirement
44:21 for being a member in the Remnant church of God.
44:24 Amen? Amen.
44:28 You say, "That sounds radical."
44:29 It's totally radical. And it's totally biblical.
44:32 If you're not winning souls, you're not a Christian.
44:37 You don't like that, I'm sorry.
44:39 The Desire of Ages, "every true disciple is born
44:42 into the kingdom of God a missionary."
44:47 You're not a missionary,
44:48 you're not a true disciple, right?
44:50 David Asscherick didn't say it, the red book said it.
44:54 Number one, conversion.
44:57 Ask yourself the hard questions.
44:59 Number two, commitment.
45:02 I was recently counseling with a pastor and his wife.
45:05 They were talking about getting divorced.
45:06 He had his bags packed,
45:08 he was on the way out the door.
45:10 A pastor had his bags packed, ready to leave his wife.
45:14 On biblical grounds, no, no, no.
45:16 They couldn't get a law.
45:18 Said, "hey we're in a dire situation.
45:19 You need to come over. We need help."
45:22 So we, my wife and I, we went over there.
45:23 We sat right on the couch and sure enough,
45:25 bags were packed, waiting at the door,
45:27 and this thing is over.
45:28 Married more than 10 years, game over, I'm out of here.
45:31 Sick and tried of putting up with this crazy woman.
45:33 I'm sick and tired of putting up with this crazy man, done.
45:36 I said, all right.
45:39 I looked that man in the eye and I said to him,
45:41 "is divorce an option?"
45:47 "Well, you know..."
45:48 I said, "Listen, don't talk that way.
45:50 I just want a yes or no answer.
45:52 Is divorce an option?"
46:01 Remember they didn't have biblical grounds.
46:05 He didn't want to answer.
46:08 All right. I'll ask you.
46:09 Turned to the woman, "Is divorce an option?"
46:14 [indistinct] No, that's not--
46:17 you don't have to tell me the whole--
46:18 I don't want to hear the story.
46:21 I want to know if divorce is an option.
46:27 They didn't want to answer.
46:28 Beloved, listen to me,
46:30 if divorce is an option you'll get a divorce.
46:33 Do you hear what I said?
46:36 If divorce is an option,
46:37 and I'm talking about on non biblical grounds.
46:39 If you could just say that you just can't tolerate
46:40 that crazy woman anymore.
46:43 If divorce is an option you'll get a divorce.
46:47 If divorce is not an option then guess what?
46:50 You won't get a divorce.
46:52 You have to settle that in your mind right now,
46:54 is divorce an option.
46:57 Commitment, number two.
46:59 Listen, I was gonna run a marathon.
47:00 Anyone here ever ran a marathon before?
47:02 Okay, I gave up before even started.
47:04 God bless you guys.
47:06 I bought the book, I bought the book.
47:08 How to run your first marathon
47:10 and I started thumbing through that thing and I thought,
47:14 "Lord have mercy, training schedule, training regiment.
47:16 You know, I think I'll run a 5 K."
47:20 You know what though, you know what the book said,
47:22 actually I got-- I had that book and another one
47:25 and both books said the same thing in the introduction.
47:27 They said a marathon is run between the ears.
47:30 You know where a marathon is run? It's not run here.
47:33 A marathon is run between the ears.
47:35 You have to decide when you take the first step.
47:44 If not finishing the race is an option
47:47 you're not gonna finish the race.
47:50 If you take the first step and you're thinking to yourself,
47:52 "you know, I'm gonna see how it goes.
47:54 You know, if I'm feeling good at 12 mile
47:56 I'm gonna keep it up.
47:58 If I'm feeling good at mile 22 I'm gonna keep it up."
48:00 If you're thinking, I'll see how things go
48:02 and as long as things go well I'll stay with it,
48:05 you're not gonna finish the race.
48:07 Both books said, in order to run a marathon for your first time,
48:12 especially if you're a little older,
48:13 you have to say with the first step,
48:15 "I will finish this race."
48:18 Walking out of this race prematurely is not an, what?
48:22 Option. It's not an option.
48:25 Number two, commitment.
48:26 Are your committed to your wife for life.
48:31 Listen, if the answer to that is no,
48:34 then you'll get a divorce,
48:36 because it will just take circumstances
48:38 that are just dire enough, bad enough,
48:39 and austere enough to get you out of there.
48:42 Number two, commitment.
48:43 Are you committed to that woman for life?
48:45 Did you mean it when you swore before God
48:48 that you would stick it out with her?
48:49 Now, even on biblical grounds,
48:50 and I've got to throw this in very quickly.
48:53 I've got to be so careful how I tell this story.
48:56 A man that I know, a pastor, gonna tell it to you quick,
49:02 comes home, "honey, I'm home."
49:05 She was home too with the Elder in bed.
49:09 Okay? What does he do?
49:11 Goes into the bedroom, says, "sweetie, get your clothes on.
49:13 Please, sir, get your clothes on
49:14 and I want to meet you in the living room."
49:16 They get their clothes on, comes into the living.
49:17 This is a true story.
49:18 Sits down in the living room,
49:20 gives them a Bible study on the grace
49:21 and forgiveness of God, sends the man home.
49:32 Three years later, "Honey, I'm home."
49:37 She was home too with the Elder, same guy.
49:42 "Get your clothes on, sweetie. Get your clothes on, please.
49:44 I'd like to see you in the living room."
49:46 They meet in the living room,
49:47 sits down, gives them a Bible study on the love,
49:48 grace, and forgiveness of God. See ya.
49:52 Still married.
49:55 Five years later,
49:56 so eight years in the first time this happened.
49:58 And this is just when she was caught.
50:01 Different church, different district,
50:03 "Honey, I'm home." Same man.
50:07 Hundreds of miles away.
50:12 "Sweetie, get your clothes on. Can you get clothers on?
50:14 I'd like see you in the living room."
50:15 Living room, Bible study on the love
50:17 and forgiveness of God, have a goodnight.
50:21 She divorced him.
50:27 She couldn't take it. Is divorce an option?
50:33 Listen, even when you have biblical grounds
50:36 Jesus didn't say you had to get divorced.
50:38 Amen? Amen.
50:40 Now, friends, let me tell you, that's a true story.
50:41 I know the man that did that. Let me tell you.
50:43 You think that would takes him guts, yes or no?
50:45 Yes. Come on, men.
50:47 I tell you, my respect for that man rivals the respect
50:50 that I have for any man on this planet.
50:53 Today he's happily married to another woman,
50:54 she left him, biblical, great husband.
50:59 Number two, what's number two everyone?
51:01 Commitment. Commitment.
51:02 Is divorce an option? No.
51:06 If divorce is not an option then guess what you won't do?
51:09 You won't get divorced.
51:14 Number three, compassion.
51:20 There is so much that could be said, here.
51:23 Men, you've got to be sweeter.
51:29 How many men here like having sex?
51:33 Did the to the pastor just say that on 3ABN?
51:41 I didn't see the hands there, you are too timid.
51:45 Listen, man, God invented sex.
51:47 Amen? Amen.
51:49 He invented it. He made it pleasurable.
51:51 It's better than a hand shake and He made it that way.
51:53 There's no shame in it.
51:55 Amen? There is no shame in it.
51:57 Amen. Right?
51:59 I refuse to let this society get the victory
52:01 over something that God has created to be enjoyed
52:05 within the confines of a marriage relationship.
52:07 Amen. There's no shame in this.
52:10 Listen, beloved,
52:12 you want a good sex life with your wife, it's possible.
52:15 And here's what I tell young couples
52:16 and here's what I'm telling you.
52:18 If you concentrate on the compassion,
52:21 the passion will take care of itself.
52:25 I want to say that again.
52:27 You concentrate on the compassion
52:29 and the passion will take care of itself.
52:37 I don't need to tell you that sex is different
52:38 for a man than it is for a woman.
52:41 For a woman it's about security,
52:44 it's about relationships, it's about how the day went,
52:48 it's about how the marriage is going.
52:50 You worry about the compassion,
52:52 the tenderness, the sweetness, the kindness.
52:54 Do you hear the words I'm using, men?
52:56 The romance.
52:58 You worry about the compassion
53:00 and the passion will take care of itself.
53:03 No marriage was ever built on a good sex life,
53:08 but every good marriage will eventually
53:11 produce a good sexual intimate experience.
53:15 Are you hearing me, yes or no? Yes.
53:17 If we think that our marriage
53:19 is gonna be happy based on a good sexual experiences,
53:21 is that part of the marriage? Yes it is.
53:23 But friends, we are putting the cart before the horse.
53:25 Your job as a man-- your job as the man
53:27 is to worry about the compassion,
53:29 the tenderness, the kindness, the sweetness, the roses,
53:32 the flowers, the dates.
53:36 Not just what you say but in the way you say it.
53:39 Put a tenderness in your voice,
53:40 put a sweetness into your voice.
53:43 There is not a day that goes by
53:45 that my wife, Violeta does not hear at least five times
53:49 that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
53:52 You think she knows I believe that?
53:55 Listen, I've sold it to her every single day
53:56 since we've been married that we've been together,
53:58 she hears it every day
54:00 and she's gonna keep hearing it.
54:01 I want her to know that I am madly in love with her
54:04 and absolutely, totally attracted to her.
54:07 Amen? Amen.
54:09 Sweet things, compassion.
54:13 I could say more there, but I'm going to stop.
54:16 Number one, what was the first C?
54:18 Conversion. Conversion.
54:19 What percentage of your marriages is that?
54:21 99%, conversion. That's 99%.
54:24 What was the second C?
54:25 Commitment. Commitment.
54:27 What's the third C? Compassion.
54:28 Fourth C, Compromise.
54:31 Oh, men, you're stubborn, aren't you?
54:35 You've got to learn the art of compromise.
54:39 Now, we do not compromise--
54:40 by the way if you guys are planning on coming
54:42 to this seminar later you have to go out,
54:43 because now you're gonna think
54:44 you're getting two for the price of one.
54:46 These are the guys waiting in the back.
54:49 Compromise.
54:51 But the stuff before this has been
54:53 really good, hasn't it, guys? Yes.
54:54 So you got to come. Compromise.
54:57 Beloved, never compromise in principle
54:59 but you have to learn to compromise in preference.
55:03 If you want the red car
55:05 and she wants the black car you get the blue car.
55:09 Amen? Amen.
55:13 Compromise is essential.
55:14 You have to let go of some of your stubbornness.
55:17 You have to learn that not every hill is a hill to die on.
55:22 Amen? Amen.
55:23 There will be things that your wife
55:25 does that gonna drive you absolutely,
55:26 totally insane and crazy.
55:28 Let it go.
55:31 Amen? Amen.
55:33 There are more things in you that drive her crazy.
55:37 Compromise. Learning the art of compromise.
55:42 How to reach an agreeable conclusion
55:45 when two parties are in conflict?
55:48 And last but not least, Last one, communication.
55:53 E, communication.
55:56 Conflict resolution skills and communication.
55:59 Men, I'm gonna give you a tool here.
56:01 When your wife says something
56:02 that's driving you crazy and you think to yourself,
56:04 "Did that crazy women just say what I think she said?"
56:07 Don't say anything. Don't respond and say...
56:14 Don't do that. Here's what you do.
56:17 Here's a tool. Here's a tool.
56:19 Your wife says something crazy and you say,
56:23 "say, sweetie,
56:29 what I heard you say was that and so.
56:33 Is that what you said?"
56:36 And nine times of of ten she'll say,
56:38 "no, that's not what I said it at all.
56:40 What I said was thus and so."
56:44 And then you'll say, "Well, that's just as crazy anyway."
56:46 But then, don't respond to that.
56:49 Say, "sweetie, here's what I'm hearing you say.
56:54 Is that what your saying?"
56:56 "No, that's not what I'm saying."
56:58 And you're gonna learn
56:59 that you are an absolutely terrible listener.
57:02 "Well, what are you saying"
57:03 And then finally, after about four or five bouts
57:05 of that you're gonna get it.
57:07 And what she was actually trying to say
57:08 is very different than what you originally thought
57:10 she was saying.
57:12 If you find yourself reacting to that first thing
57:14 you are just sure she said
57:15 and men you're gonna let her have it,
57:17 not physically of course,
57:18 but you're gonna let her have with the mouth.
57:22 You find that you start responding,
57:23 not to what you think she said,
57:24 but trying to discover what she's actually saying
57:28 and have her give you the same courtesy.
57:30 If you say something stupid and I know you're men,
57:31 so never say anything stupid.
57:34 Have her say to you, "Now, Honey,
57:36 this is what I'm hearing you say.
57:37 Is that what you're saying?"
57:38 "No, that's not what I'm saying."
57:40 This simple communication device.
57:42 Simple what, everyone?
57:44 Communication device. Communication device.


Home

Revised 2014-12-17