Multitude of Counselors

Anger

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: Jennifer Jill Schwirzer Robert Davidson (Host), Dr. Jean Wright, David Guerrero, Nivish Edwards

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Series Code: MOC

Program Code: MOC000011A


00:26 Welcome to A Multitude of Counselors.
00:29 We're so glad you came to our program today.
00:31 We are dedicated to helping us all better understand
00:35 mental behavioral, emotional,
00:37 psychological and spiritual health issues,
00:40 and to probe them and to understand them
00:42 and also to offer viable practical solutions
00:46 so that you can be as healthy as possible.
00:49 I want to introduce my treatment team today,
00:52 my illustrious team of counselors and therapists.
00:56 First we have David Guerrero from Wisconsin,
01:00 who runs a ministry called Rekindle the Flame.
01:04 It has such a amazing tone to it, David, I love it.
01:08 Praise Lord.
01:09 And under that ministry David carries a big tool box,
01:12 he has pastoring experience, he's a chaplain,
01:17 he has learnt how to do life coaching,
01:19 he teaches life coaching,
01:21 he's a biblically certified counselor.
01:23 And he's working on his doctorate of naturopathy.
01:27 He likes to work with couples and families and do intensives
01:31 and just, he just never stops.
01:33 But he also makes time for his own family.
01:34 Yes, that's important, priority number one.
01:36 That's important, amen. We also have Nivish.
01:38 Dr. Nivish Edwards from Tennessee.
01:42 She's a virtual private practice counselor.
01:45 She also teaches for Southern Adventist University
01:48 and she loves to work with people on relationships
01:52 including relationships with themselves
01:55 and of all things she's a single marriage counselor.
01:59 But she apparently does very well at it and, you know,
02:03 it's not a it's not a problem, huh.
02:05 Not a problem.
02:06 And so when, when it does happen, if it does happen
02:08 you're gonna be fully equipped, right?
02:10 I do believe. Yes.
02:12 By God's grace. Awesome.
02:13 So good to have you.
02:15 So thankful to have Dr. Jean Wright as well.
02:18 Dr Jean is from Philadelphia and he is the director
02:22 of the Behavioral...
02:24 Oh, wait I'm saying this wrong
02:26 Behavioral Health and Justice Department.
02:27 Correct, yes.
02:28 And the Behavioral Health Department in Philadelphia.
02:31 He also has a private practice and he likes...
02:34 He's has a book out and he likes to work
02:36 with community, forgiveness and restoration so,
02:39 our topic today will factor right into that
02:41 because we're gonna be talking about anger.
02:43 And I also have my partner Rob Davidson.
02:47 ROB is my co-host and he also works with me
02:50 at Abide Counseling Network,
02:51 and Rob is an amazing man with a lot of gifts,
02:55 he is a private practice counselor,
02:57 he talks individuals, he talks to couples,
02:59 he talks to families.
03:00 He likes to help men develop servant leader capacities
03:04 and capabilities and develop biblical integrity,
03:07 and biblical manhood.
03:10 So that is so important and so needed
03:11 and we're so glad you're here today as well.
03:14 Thank you for coming and we're gonna put our minds
03:16 to task on this topic of anger.
03:20 You know anger is a big subject, isn't it?
03:22 So let's define it first of all,
03:25 a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.
03:29 Now, that isn't necessarily a bad thing and I'm sure
03:32 we're gonna talk about that but it can become a bad thing
03:35 and people can develop a habit of acting out on their anger
03:39 in such a way that it's destructive to relationships
03:42 and ultimately to themselves.
03:44 There's quite a bit of research about hostility levels
03:47 and heart disease for instance
03:48 and their hostility levels are more telling
03:51 and more impacting on heart disease than things
03:54 that we would think would be more impacting like
03:56 exercise and lifestyle.
03:58 So hostility, anger can be a problem.
04:02 The diagnosis that's in the diagnostic manual
04:05 is intermittent explosive disorder,
04:07 but it's better known as being a rage what,
04:10 rageaholic and the prevalence apparently is just over
04:14 7% of people could be diagnosed with
04:17 intermittent explosive disorder, that's prevalence.
04:21 And the reason we don't think it's that high is because
04:24 most of that happens what behind closed doors.
04:27 That's right in the privacy of people's homes often.
04:30 The cause I would say of having an anger problem
04:33 would be genetics, that cocktail of genetics
04:36 and environment and I can say this is true of me.
04:40 I was raised by a dad, got his genetics,
04:43 he had a bit of intermittent explosive disorder I think.
04:46 And then I was raised in a home
04:49 where I saw him handle stress that way,
04:51 and I adopted the thinking, and I mimicked the behaviors,
04:55 and I came into adulthood, and then acted out
04:57 and tended to explode such that it was always with my husband
05:01 we tend to do this with the people we are closest to.
05:03 And I remember once, my husband's quiet
05:06 and so he'd be more passive aggressive
05:08 but I being more just plain aggressive
05:10 and I exploded on him and went to apologize to my daughter
05:14 who witnessed the event and she said,
05:16 "Daddy had a short temper."
05:17 And I couldn't figure out why she was saying that
05:19 she looked at me and said,
05:20 "And you had a long temper, mom."
05:22 I'm serious.
05:23 So I struggled through that,
05:25 but I was able by the grace of God
05:26 to largely overcome and I still have my moments
05:28 but, not like I used to
05:30 and God has really done a work in my life.
05:32 I just want to show up and say, I'm as flawed as anyone.
05:35 But I would say that the cause is those genetics
05:38 and environment and then belief systems that we adopt.
05:40 And I also want to look at a diagram that is called,
05:43 "Anger in the Brain" that shows what happens
05:45 on a neurological level when we have an anger response.
05:48 Sensory data goes to the thalamus,
05:51 which is part of the limbic system,
05:52 the emotional brain,
05:54 the data is sent to the amygdala,
05:56 another part of the emotional brain,
05:57 the data is also sent to the cortex.
06:00 The amygdala does a quick threat assessment
06:03 and then often the amygdala blocks slow thinking.
06:06 And slow thinking is reasoned rational sensible thinking.
06:10 Once the amygdala blocks that slow thinking,
06:13 then we have the unthinking response
06:15 and that's what anger is,
06:17 it's the kind of the anal part of the brain reacting
06:19 and that's what happens on a neurological level.
06:21 The prognosis as always though is what?
06:25 It's positive because Jesus saves, and I could say,
06:29 he saved me, and he continues to save me
06:31 on a day-to-day basis.
06:33 The treatments include of course
06:34 cognitive behavioral therapy.
06:36 If someone has a severe anger problem,
06:38 some medications may take the edge off of that.
06:41 Overall good nervous system health
06:44 and care can help with that.
06:46 And I would say that alcohol and other narcotic substances
06:49 can unnaturally excite the nervous system
06:51 so a simple healthy lifestyle is paramount
06:55 and I always encourage people to learn deep breathing
06:59 if they are going to manage their anger responses.
07:03 So a quick one way that you can do deep breathing
07:06 and just about every therapist I know does some kind of
07:08 deep breathing, this is what I do,
07:09 breath through a straw or pretend straw,
07:12 first exhale completely, inhale to the count of ten,
07:16 hold for six so that that oxygen can get to the brain
07:19 and then exhale slowly through the straw
07:23 like that to the count of 14.
07:25 And I've heard some people say
07:27 it helps to relax all your muscles
07:29 when you feel an anger response including your posture,
07:32 like just kind of slump over, because you're less likely
07:35 to get aggressive when you're like this
07:37 than if you're like this, you know, so interesting
07:40 but that deep breathing definitely makes a difference.
07:43 What do you guys do to help people through anger
07:45 or what have you done to help yourself
07:48 and what do you do to help yourself?
07:49 You know as you were talking a Bible verse,
07:52 a scripture came into my mind and in this verse
07:55 we can see the genius of God.
07:57 This is what God gives to us in the Book of Psalms 4:4,
08:01 "Be angry, and do not sin."
08:03 And now watch what he tells us to do,
08:06 "Meditate with your heart on your bed and be still."
08:12 Right.
08:13 We come aside, go somewhere else, we still...
08:16 What is that being meditate with your heart?
08:18 Well... Sort of examine your own...
08:20 Yeah, examine your heart, examine your emotions.
08:23 There's an acronym that I use in counseling RAC,
08:26 recognize the emotion,
08:29 admit what you've done or what you're about to do
08:32 and if you've done something wrong to confess it.
08:36 So if I'm gonna meditate right,
08:38 I'm gonna come aside and meditate.
08:39 I'm gonna recognize and acknowledge and admit
08:42 what's was going and the Bible says
08:44 watch what happens when I'm able to do that.
08:48 I can come back after I'm still and I can offer
08:51 the sacrifices of righteousness
08:55 and so that means I can come back and do what's right.
08:57 And listen to how he finishes this verse,
09:00 "And put your trust in the Lord."
09:02 Oftentimes when I'm angry and I...
09:05 And there's a burst of anger and I engage
09:08 in a negative behavior is because
09:10 I haven't put my trust in God.
09:12 I put my trust in myself, in my own ideas
09:16 and the things that I value and because
09:19 that has become so important to me or has become an idol.
09:23 I tell you or to my expressions I'm saying leave my idol alone,
09:27 this is what I want,
09:29 but if I can come aside right and rest,
09:32 be still and let God talk to me...
09:33 David, it sounds like...
09:35 I can offer the sacrifice of righteousness.
09:36 Go ahead, brother.
09:37 It sounds like this wonderful process
09:39 that you just described is what we need to do
09:41 when we're starting to feel the anger
09:43 because this slows us down.
09:45 Yes, and that's what she was saying.
09:46 Yes, so that's a good process
09:48 that you spell out for the client.
09:49 I like that Rob, I use...
09:52 Acronyms are so helpful, it helps clients remember
09:54 and the one I use often is halt,
09:57 H-A-L-T
09:59 check to see if you're reacting in anger.
10:01 Are you hungry?
10:02 Are you angry?
10:04 Are you feeling lonely?
10:05 Are you tired?
10:07 Usually, if you have these things at play,
10:09 either all four of them or any of the combinations,
10:12 there's something that's triggering us
10:14 and we have a reactive response as a result of that.
10:17 So it's not a great time to do conflict resolution.
10:19 Not at all.
10:21 You got to take care of the primary problem first.
10:22 Absolutely.
10:23 Like I did the other day when I was getting hangry...
10:25 Hangry.
10:26 That's it, my blood sugar is low.
10:28 Absolutely. Yeah.
10:29 Yes. Yeah, that's awesome.
10:31 I use halt too a lot.
10:33 Acronyms are great because you can think of them
10:34 right in the moment and you remember what to do,
10:37 what steps to take and a lot of times
10:38 that's what it comes down to for people
10:40 is they have this learned response
10:42 and they've done it over and over their whole life
10:44 and to change that, they have to have something
10:45 that they can do instantly.
10:47 So, yeah, those are really helpful.
10:50 I use anger as a catalyst. Yeah.
10:53 So, you know exercise is one that works for me,
10:55 I'm still prone to the hungry and tired.
11:00 So exercise is very helpful
11:02 but when I'm working with a client,
11:03 I try to again normalize the fact that
11:05 anger is just an emotion like any other emotion.
11:08 It's what we do when we're angry,
11:10 in fact as she relate to rageaholic for instance,
11:13 and really looking at the catalyst part,
11:15 it gives you energy to do something
11:17 even if something like grief and loss and referring to
11:20 Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in writings
11:22 when she talks about the phases of grief,
11:25 and so anger is one of those phases,
11:27 and when you get to that phase, it causes that person
11:30 to move towards something, maybe to get a second opinion,
11:33 maybe is to recognize something is going on in your life,
11:36 but that anger can be a catalyst
11:39 toward something positive.
11:40 And so putting that with what your verse says,
11:43 you know, the verse says, "Be angry"
11:45 and then it tells you what to do after that,
11:48 it doesn't say don't be angry.
11:49 Don't be angry.
11:50 And so use your anger as a catalyst
11:52 to move you towards something positive.
11:53 I would love to hear it how you do that
11:55 with your community, forgiveness
11:57 and restoration stuff with the prison...
11:59 isn't that happen in a big kind of
12:01 panoramic like macro way?
12:03 It is.
12:05 Yeah, and one of the things that we talk about in terms
12:06 of that community, forgiveness and restoration
12:09 is by allowing people to go through stages and steps
12:12 to resolve their conflict in their anger,
12:15 and so many of them have, you know,
12:17 rightfully some challenges from being incarcerated
12:20 for a long period of time, how the guards treated them
12:22 how maybe family has turned their back
12:24 and so they have reasons to be angry.
12:26 But you do not have an excuse to act out
12:28 and harm other people.
12:30 And so your anger, your emotion is real
12:32 and it should be validated.
12:33 But it's what you do when you're angry,
12:35 so we walk them through the processes,
12:36 we do anger management classes
12:38 so that you're not managing rage,
12:40 you're managing an emotion called anger
12:42 and that's the key.
12:43 Isn't that why though Martin Luther King
12:45 was so much more effective than for instance, you know,
12:49 what's the other guys like name...
12:50 Malcolm X, because Malcolm X was in the anger
12:53 and acting on the anger but Martin Luther King said,
12:55 "No, we have to own our part of this
12:57 and we're gonna strive for non-violence,
12:59 but we're gonna stand on what we know to be true.
13:01 This is wrong and we know it's wrong,
13:03 and we're gonna stand up for what we know is right.
13:06 But we're gonna also own, we're moral beings as well."
13:08 Is that why he was more effective in the long run.
13:10 Yeah, I think Martin Luther King and Gandhi
13:11 were more in line with what Jesus Christ did
13:13 and what he, you know, modeled for us and that is but,
13:17 you know, Christ showed anger, you know.
13:19 There were times and it was appropriate anger
13:21 and I really like how you...
13:23 How do you distinguish between
13:24 appropriate and inappropriate anger?
13:26 The action, you know,
13:28 if you guys think back to emotional,
13:29 rational emotive therapy you remember that?
13:31 You know and looking at how the, your thoughts
13:34 or beliefs trigger an action.
13:37 And then there's a consequence, you know, the ABC, you know,
13:40 the antecedent, beliefs, consequences.
13:42 And so if I can structure my belief system
13:46 so that my action, you know,
13:48 reduces the level of consequence
13:50 being a negative one like striking out on someone,
13:53 then I have control over the anger,
13:55 it doesn't mean I don't feel it,
13:56 doesn't mean that it's not real.
13:58 It means that I have control over the anger
13:59 so that my responses are not harmful.
14:02 And you're saying you can take the energy
14:04 because anger is, there's a lot of energy there
14:06 and you can redirect it into positive lines...
14:08 Absolutely.
14:10 Versus acting impulsively and creating more distraction.
14:12 You know, look, I'm hearing something here is powerful
14:14 and you guys can help me out that anger.
14:17 Jesus was angry.
14:19 We read in scripture of God's wrath.
14:22 Anger is a God given emotion...
14:25 Like any other emotion.
14:26 Right, to handle the problem or the issue correctly,
14:31 affectively and righteously...
14:33 Yes. That's beautiful.
14:35 Isn't the primary emotion, it's fear, pain or frustration?
14:39 Usually, there are soft emotions underneath anger
14:42 usually, so what they call anger a secondary emotion,
14:45 that's kind of how I feel it.
14:47 Yeah, definitely encourage clients to check
14:48 what's going on underneath.
14:50 Yes.
14:51 The anger response is definitely as you said
14:53 Jennifer, secondary.
14:54 But what's going on under here that's really triggering
14:57 that anger emotion, because it's what's going on under here
15:00 that's really have happening... It triggered.
15:01 I reacted angrily because I felt offended.
15:05 I reacted in anger because my feelings were hurt,
15:09 because I was afraid, because I felt belittled
15:12 what's really going on under here,
15:14 and let's talk about these things
15:15 and rectify these things.
15:17 Yes, this is the beginning stage
15:18 that a client needs to recognize
15:20 where is this anger coming from.
15:22 So we're talking about as a secondary emotion here,
15:24 we're talking about we, when our self-worth
15:27 is being stepped on, it's not being met we're hurt,
15:31 and then that turns to anger.
15:32 So that's one way that anger can come out
15:34 because of our self-worth is not being met.
15:37 Another way is our
15:39 self-preservation is not being met,
15:40 our needs are basic needs in life
15:44 are not being met
15:45 and we can get angry about that.
15:47 In another way and this is the way that Jesus
15:50 really responded were self convictions.
15:55 He was convicted about things very strongly
15:58 and would get angry about that.
15:59 So it's important for the client to recognize
16:01 that there are legitimate reasons
16:04 why we do get angry, so let's start
16:06 with this awareness.
16:09 The reasons may be illegitimate but sometimes the way
16:11 that anger is handled actually makes us more irrational,
16:15 so we may have started out in an okay place.
16:17 But what we did with that ended up making it not okay,
16:20 and you now have an additional problem.
16:23 Now, you've made it a power struggle maybe
16:25 in a relationship, and you know I understand that
16:28 they've done research and then they initially thought
16:30 that people needed to just simply release their anger
16:34 and what they found was that
16:35 when people would just release their anger by expressing it.
16:38 Sometimes that would create an additional problem again
16:41 and they would start to take,
16:42 it would start take on a life of its own
16:45 and they would start to develop characteristics
16:47 of an angry person and that would be
16:48 their go to expression of emotions,
16:51 rather than getting to those root emotions
16:53 and dealing with those.
16:54 So I kind of, I'm just wondering with
16:56 what kind of therapy as we go through
16:57 our presenting problem, maybe we could talk about
16:59 what we would do with this guy to help him learn
17:02 how to properly control his anger.
17:05 Okay, so Joseph Strong is a very tall 53 year old
17:08 retired policeman, Irish descent,
17:11 strides into the office, your office and warmly says
17:13 hello in a deep bass voice.
17:16 He sits down in the chair and begins
17:17 to explain his situation immediately melting into tears
17:21 that continue to flow for most of the session.
17:23 He explains that he cannot control his temper
17:26 and then cannot shake the feelings of despair
17:28 that linger after he explodes.
17:30 For instance he exploded with a neighbor insulted his dog
17:34 but immediately regretted losing his temper.
17:36 Now, he feels deep shame and remorse
17:39 and wants to learn anger management."
17:42 This is an actual person and I just wanted
17:45 to get to the root of the anger and I said to him, so you know,
17:49 "You were mad at him for insulting your dog."
17:51 And he said, "Yeah" and I said,
17:53 "You know what was it about that insult.
17:56 Did you need to say something to him?"
17:57 And he said, "Yeah," and I said,
17:59 "What would happen if you hadn't."
18:00 And he said, "Well, nothing."
18:05 Literally that's what he did.
18:07 And he realize that some false beliefs were kind of
18:10 pushing him over that threshold so what would you guys
18:12 do this with this guy to help him?
18:14 You know my first observation is that
18:18 this individual should be
18:23 thanked for coming because he's recognizing
18:27 that he has a problem, he's going to get help.
18:30 And so he has taken a big first step.
18:34 That's right.
18:35 That he's recognized he has a problem
18:37 and he needs some help.
18:38 That's great that's, I love it.
18:40 Don't you love it when people come
18:41 and they're just like, I have a problem
18:42 instead of you having to like try to ways to persuade.
18:45 No, I'm not angry.
18:48 But there's a hole in the door over there that you punched.
18:51 So what do you do to help this guy?
18:53 Last area that you read Rob, you said now,
18:55 now this guy Joseph feels deep shame and remorse
18:59 and wants to learn anger management.
19:01 That's pretty awesome.
19:03 One of things I don't think we touched on
19:04 is anger sometimes is expressed silently.
19:07 We turn inward...
19:09 And inward becomes depression.
19:11 And it sounded like some of this may be going on with him,
19:13 so wonderful that he came and it's important to realize
19:15 that we can talk about what's going on.
19:18 What is triggering the anger,
19:20 what has caused us to feel angry
19:22 because that's where the healing begins,
19:23 that's where the turning around happens
19:27 because if we turn it inward,
19:28 then that leads to other issues.
19:30 Like such as...
19:31 Anger turn inward becomes depression.
19:34 Depression or sometimes when we stuff it for so long,
19:37 it can come out in an explosion.
19:39 Absolutely.
19:40 To people who have nothing to do with your anger.
19:43 Yeah. They transfer that stuff.
19:44 It's called displaced anger.
19:47 Boss yells at you, you come home
19:48 yell at your wife
19:50 and then the wife kicks the dog, you know,
19:52 it just keeps going, it's terrible.
19:54 Where there is passive aggressive anger
19:56 which is another way of...
19:57 It's not a functional way
19:59 but it is a way that people to go to.
20:02 One thing I use, Jennifer, is I encourage the client
20:05 to have an anger journal, and I have one here
20:08 and just taking them to do some steps
20:11 and I'll be real quick here.
20:12 And the first thing is to do is that
20:14 when they're becoming angry what are the circumstances
20:17 that led that individual to become angry
20:21 and then what triggered that anger
20:23 and what was it that I wasn't getting...
20:26 Usually a need isn't met somehow.
20:28 That I was needing, and then what is the feeling
20:32 besides anger that I feel fear, was I threatened
20:36 that I feel worthless or unloved or hurt.
20:41 And who was I protecting with my anger
20:44 and then write down how did I express it.
20:46 What type of person was this individual
20:50 that I was with,
20:52 and then write down how successful they were
20:54 in dealing with anger, so that every time they come back,
20:57 we kind of look at circumstances
20:59 what's going on and move them towards...
21:01 Just basically a log, keep track of your explosions
21:04 and let's examine them when we're quiet and calm.
21:07 Yeah, I would imagine that as they keep their journal
21:09 and as you're helping them with anger management.
21:12 They will see that in the beginning
21:14 it didn't turn out well at all but as time goes
21:16 by a little bit of improvement
21:18 because they're putting into action
21:20 which you're helping them to learn.
21:21 Yeah, and some things that I asked them to do is
21:23 to recognize the anger signs, ask God for help.
21:27 Be still and meditate
21:29 that they go to the process to between.
21:30 And everything you're doing with them
21:32 is forebrain stuff,
21:33 is self reflection is forebrain engagement,
21:36 and so when you're engaging them, you know,
21:39 in the session and reviewing this anger episodes,
21:43 their forebrain is gonna be more likely to show up
21:46 during the next anger episode so it's got to sort of
21:48 acclimate them to being able to think
21:50 when they're in this situation
21:52 where they normally don't think,
21:53 you know, so that's brilliant.
21:55 I think that's really excellent.
21:56 Does anybody ever say just drop it?
21:59 Oh, I take that.
22:00 Drop it on who?
22:02 Actually, actually sometimes
22:04 there is a little place for that.
22:06 It depends upon, it depends upon
22:08 what's going on.
22:09 Okay.
22:10 It depends.
22:13 There are a lot of things in life that can take us off
22:16 and sometimes we just need to back away
22:17 and just exercise...
22:19 Making mountains out of molehills.
22:20 It's not that big of a deal
22:21 but we have to know with those...
22:23 But it works better when you say that yourself.
22:26 But I think Nivish hit on it earlier when she talked about
22:28 what's underneath.
22:30 I mean the situation with the dog,
22:31 I mean clearly that you know...
22:33 You can let that one go.
22:34 Dog doesn't care. But that's my dog.
22:37 You've insulted my dog, well, no, you've insulted me.
22:40 It's not the dog.
22:41 So it's what's underneath and I think that's important
22:43 because if I had the ability to just let it go...
22:45 Yeah.
22:47 I wouldn't need anger management,
22:48 and so I think we mature, we can get there,
22:51 and our job is to help people get to the point where they're,
22:53 I'm gonna let that go...
22:55 They can figure out what you'd let go
22:56 and what you don't leg go
22:57 'cause some things you can't let go.
22:59 But I need to know why it affects me so much.
23:01 That's what I need to get to and if I can get to that,
23:03 then I can successfully move on.
23:06 So what about the thing about "Don't let the sun go down
23:08 on your anger?"
23:10 One of my favorite text until you mentioned it.
23:12 Okay.
23:15 Because my thought was
23:16 you shouldn't go to bed on your anger,
23:18 but you guys brought in some other personal view.
23:20 I said, okay, what I said was did some people try to tackle
23:24 big conflicts at 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock at night,
23:27 their brain is tired and they make it worse.
23:29 So I think, don't let the sun go down in your anger
23:31 means don't let the person die before you resolve,
23:34 don't let it go on and on.
23:35 But I would agree that in a healthy relationship
23:38 where you're accustomed to resolving conflict.
23:40 You can take care of it before bed in most cases
23:43 or you made a suggestion of...
23:45 Setting the time aside to do it, and often times
23:48 that's why we get frustrated is because
23:50 we allow things to build and then
23:53 and it's happened my own marriage.
23:55 You know at 11 o'clock at night my wife says,
23:57 "Hey, we need to talk about this."
23:59 and I go, "Now?
24:02 I'm tired."
24:03 Tired just looking at you.
24:04 And she helps me to realize that
24:06 I have been neglecting the relationship
24:08 and things have been building and we needed to talk
24:11 and so what I will do is say, well, let's set aside a time...
24:15 That's good.
24:17 To sit down and talk and will take out
24:18 our calendar schedule say, "Tomorrow evening 6 o'clock.
24:22 Let's set up aside an hour or two
24:24 and let's talk about this."
24:25 So those, those feedback loops are so powerful,
24:27 once people get into this, you know, argument pattern,
24:30 the feedback loop is very powerful,
24:32 and I recommend that people have a signal that
24:35 they use either one of them they agree ahead of time that
24:37 either one of them can call timeout,
24:39 they actually use the hand signal
24:41 and right then and there if they're able and have
24:42 the presence of mind they reschedule
24:44 a time to talk through it.
24:46 And listen I'm not perfect and...
24:47 We know that.
24:49 And there are times, thank you,
24:50 where I actually I'm the cause of this thing going on and on
24:54 because sometimes my response is,
24:57 "Why did you choose at 11 o'clock at night
25:00 to do this?"
25:01 And then she can't stop herself and she'll say,
25:03 "Well, because you're never around."
25:04 I say, "What do you mean I'm never around,
25:06 I was around this morning at 8 o'clock, from 8 to 10."
25:08 It goes on and on,
25:09 someone's got to put it to a stop
25:11 and say wait a minute...
25:12 Breaks.
25:14 Speaking about putting the brakes on...
25:15 He's got to do...
25:16 This is a great discussion.
25:18 I will not get upset with you, brother.
25:19 Let me remind you that if you're the one
25:20 calling the timeout, you're the one
25:22 that has to reschedule...
25:23 That's right, set the reschedule.
25:25 Okay.
25:26 You want me to reschedule.
25:28 Look at so we started talking about, "Be angry and sin not."
25:30 That's such an important verse because it's okay
25:33 to be angry on certain, certain circumstances
25:35 but we have to know.
25:38 I love this...
25:39 Was it RAC recognize the emotion,
25:42 admit what's going on, confess,
25:44 it's beautiful acronym what we talk about halt
25:47 and how when we're in the hungry,
25:49 the angry, the lonely, the tired stage,
25:52 this is not a good time for conflict resolution.
25:55 We're making major decisions.
25:56 Anger is normal.
25:58 This was brought up that is the normal emotion
25:59 that God can use to help us to get things done
26:02 if used in the right ways.
26:04 Christ himself was angry and got things done.
26:09 Other figures in history are good to look at like
26:12 Gandhi and Martin Luther King
26:13 to see how they handle their anger too,
26:15 very constructive ways of handling anger because,
26:18 we know that there are dysfunctional ways
26:20 of handling anger,
26:22 and we talked about some of those ways like stuffing.
26:25 We talked about aggression,
26:27 it can come out in the explosion.
26:29 There are good ways to handle it
26:31 to be assertive in appropriate ways
26:33 and we can teach these to clients.
26:37 Let's see here how we...
26:40 We turn to anger...
26:42 We turn anger inward so we talk about that.
26:44 Keeping a journal.
26:46 I love that keeping a journal because
26:47 this will help the client to keep a log
26:50 of what's going on and see their progress
26:52 as time is going on within the counseling session itself.
26:55 We need to know why I'm affected.
26:58 This is all the awareness part and don't let the sun go down
27:01 on our anger, why?
27:03 Because well, the scripture knows best
27:05 but we can always reschedule if we have to
27:08 if that's not a good time.
27:09 And anger is not like cheese, it doesn't improve with age.
27:14 So, "The wise man said that
27:18 reckless words pierce like a sword
27:20 but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
27:23 I hope that on this program you've learned something
27:26 that has made you wiser,
27:28 that you will be better equipped to handle
27:29 your own anger issues
27:31 and maybe you'll be able to impart something to others
27:33 who are struggling with anger themselves.
27:35 It is our prayer that we will help you learn
27:38 how to live more fully in line with God's plan.
27:42 He wishes above all things that we would prosper
27:44 and be in health even as our soul prospers
27:46 and that's why we invite you to future programs
27:48 of A Multitude of Counselors.
27:50 May God bless you and keep you, until then we appreciate
27:53 you sharing with us in this program.
27:56 May God bless you.
27:57 Amen.


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Revised 2016-12-01