Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000085B
00:01 Welcome back.
00:02 We've been talking about mottos
00:04 that successful couples have shared with us over Facebook.
00:08 Those mottos have fallen into three different categories,
00:11 as we've gone through.
00:12 First of all it was about what?
00:14 Choosing. Choosing.
00:15 So, it's making a choice for your marriage,
00:17 and there are lot of choices we can make that are positive.
00:19 The second group of mottoes
00:21 we talked about were on connecting.
00:22 Yes, to connect.
00:24 And this last group has been about communicating.
00:26 Yes, and we have one here that I think really
00:31 is one of the best communication things
00:32 I've ever heard.
00:34 Okay. It comes from Jerry and Kathy.
00:36 And their motto is this.
00:37 "Be the first person to tell the other
00:40 that they are the most loved person
00:41 in the world today."
00:43 That's not bad, if you're going to have a competition.
00:45 That's a good competition to have, you know.
00:47 And another one that came in was "I love you more."
00:51 So, it's basically the same idea you know,
00:53 we're going to be in competition here.
00:55 But the competition is the competition of love.
00:58 Of love. To love 100 percent.
01:00 I go back to scripture with the Apostle Paul
01:02 telling us to outdo one another in love.
01:05 You know, so--
01:07 We like to be competitive,
01:08 but if you're going to be competitive.
01:09 That's a good thing to be competitive about, is it not?
01:11 That's the area.
01:13 And what a contrast
01:14 to what we're talking about earlier
01:16 holding a record of wrongs,
01:18 and the competition would be to see
01:19 who can control the most by holding that record.
01:22 I'm gonna hold this over your head,
01:23 so I can make you do what I want you to do.
01:25 Which is a wonderful way for you to live, is it not?
01:27 After all, I remember back in 1957--
01:31 You know, 1999 or you know, I mean--
01:35 It was a June, I remember.
01:36 Yeah, and people have the feeling
01:39 I will never live this down.
01:42 Am I going to have to hear this over and over and over.
01:44 You know, so that record of wrongs but instead,
01:48 we're gonna go to a competition in the other direction.
01:51 A much better competition.
01:52 I love you more.
01:54 Oh, no, I love you more.
01:55 Oh, no. Isn't that great?
01:56 You know, and to be the first one
01:58 to say that in the morning when you wake up.
01:59 Now, you know, I'm a slow waker
02:01 and so, you may beat me on this a lot
02:04 because, you know, my brain really does not start
02:06 to function in the first few minutes.
02:08 No, we are blessed in one thing and that is that we,
02:10 neither of us is a morning person.
02:12 Yeah, yeah.
02:14 So, I mean, it's good if you're both morning people
02:16 or you're both night out.
02:19 But it would not be good
02:20 if you, if you were crossed over it.
02:21 It was Solomon, who said,
02:23 "A person who wake in the morning
02:24 with a loud voice."
02:26 That's right Yeah, I feel that way.
02:28 So, in our house, you know,
02:30 our, our morning greeting is usually just a touch
02:33 or something like that, is it not?
02:35 With the eyes still half way closed up.
02:38 None of that, but if we can be the first person of the day
02:43 to say, you know, "I love you."
02:46 And not only that,
02:47 but you are the most loved person in the world.
02:50 You know, can you imagine how Kathy feels
02:52 if Jerry says that to her in the morning.
02:54 There's something else here, and that is that research shows
02:56 that low arousal mode emotions tend to build on each other.
03:00 If you start the morning with a positive low arousal emotion
03:04 and then it's easy for it to build from there.
03:07 And so, you can have another
03:08 and it calls for another and another.
03:11 You start off the day positively,
03:13 and it begins to grow into mushroom.
03:15 Or you set the scene, you know,
03:17 here's what today is going to be a like, you know.
03:19 You know how you feel if something terrible happens
03:22 first thing in the morning.
03:23 You just feel like ugh, you know, well this day a shot.
03:27 But that's not true necessarily.
03:29 But if you, if something wonderful does happen,
03:32 first thing in the morning,
03:33 you set the scene for a good day.
03:36 And this is what this is saying,
03:37 today is going to be good between you and me.
03:40 The other thing this does is all right,
03:41 so we start our morning that way,
03:43 and then we have to leave for work.
03:46 And all day long,
03:47 that is the last thing on my mind
03:49 that has to do with how I wake in this morning,
03:52 and how we greeted one another,
03:54 and how that built before we left after breakfast.
03:56 It's right.
03:58 And it gives me a positive expectation
04:00 of what is going to be like when we come back together
04:02 rather than resenting it or dreading seeing you again.
04:06 I now have a positive expectation of this,
04:08 and so it makes the reunion that much sweeter.
04:11 It does.
04:12 Our relationships really are I think one of the strongest,
04:17 they have the strongest impact on our emotions for the day.
04:21 If the morning relationship is sour,
04:24 if there's something bad, it stays with you all day.
04:28 So, the reverse is also true.
04:30 If you make sure that,
04:31 that morning interaction is good.
04:34 Yeah. Then it stays with you as well.
04:36 Let me give you a little caveat to that.
04:37 We're talking about the value of relationships,
04:39 of positive relationships as far as building your day
04:42 but it's even bigger than that.
04:44 Harvard did a study on male longevity.
04:47 And they discovered
04:49 that one of the most critical factors in men
04:52 living a long time,
04:54 even eclipsing the value of diet and exercise,
04:57 as important as those are and they are key.
05:00 But even more important was the existence of meaningful,
05:04 deep relationships for men.
05:06 Men who had those tended to live longer.
05:09 Men who did not tended to live a shorter time
05:12 which is one of the reasons
05:13 why bachelors tend to have a shorter life span
05:16 than do married men?
05:18 You know, he may think she's killing him,
05:20 but she's actually toughening him up,
05:22 so that they can live longer I think.
05:24 That's right.
05:25 Well, you know, there was another study done in Finland
05:28 not long ago where they studied 1,400 people.
05:32 And they started this study when those people were aged 50.
05:36 And they kind of studied their well being, you know,
05:39 how life was going for them at that moment.
05:41 Then they came back to them 20 years later
05:43 and did a follow up study.
05:45 What they found was
05:47 that of that group those who were--
05:50 that who became widowed or divorced
05:53 during those middle years, you know,
05:54 around the 50 age or 50 or 60 and then remained single.
06:00 Were much more likely to have Alzheimer's.
06:04 There was an elevated risk for Alzheimer's.
06:07 And it seemed to be, you know,
06:08 they've found that if you stay active,
06:10 and mentally active,
06:12 and physically active that, that--
06:13 Socially active especially.
06:14 Socially active that that helps but even above,
06:17 the socially active and all of those things
06:19 had to do with having a partner.
06:21 And that partner in life and that positive interaction
06:24 between you and that person
06:26 made a difference even in your brain.
06:29 We have undervalued
06:32 the importance of deep meaningful relationships.
06:35 And God built us we need those,
06:37 and that's why He gave us marriage
06:39 as a key source for that kind of a relationship.
06:42 So, when you're in a marriage
06:43 where you're building one another up even better.
06:47 You know, when you're saying,
06:49 you are the most loved person in the world.
06:51 Right. I just want you to know that.
06:52 No one could possibly love you more than I do.
06:55 Well, we got another motto we need to get to.
06:58 We do, and I love this one.
07:01 This one came from Polly and Dick.
07:04 And Polly came up and talked to me one day
07:06 after a marriage seminar that we did.
07:08 And she said, "I'll tell you our motto for marriage."
07:12 It was.
07:13 And she, she was actually widowed at the time.
07:15 Widowed and still attended the marriage seminar.
07:17 Yes, she came to the marriage seminar she said,
07:18 here was our motto.
07:20 "Don't waste time fighting, you may have precious little.
07:24 Don't waste time fighting, you may have precious little."
07:27 And that, that's something that, you know,
07:29 it makes sense to all of us.
07:30 Oh, of course.
07:32 You know, don't waste time fighting,
07:33 it's not worth it, kind of a thing.
07:34 But she had a very specific story that went with it.
07:37 She said that she met Dick.
07:41 Well, let me back up.
07:42 When Dick her husband was 17 years old,
07:46 he was diagnosed with cancer.
07:49 And the doctors, It was very serious,
07:50 and the doctors told him
07:52 that he probably would not make it to age 25.
07:56 But Dick was a fighter,
07:57 and he had a really positive attitude about life,
08:00 and he was fighting his way through all the treatments
08:03 and everything else that he experienced
08:05 at that early age.
08:06 She met him when he was 26.
08:09 So he beat the life expectancy.
08:10 That's right, so he had,
08:12 had beat the doctor's prediction already.
08:15 And they just hit it off, they fell for each other,
08:18 they fell in love.
08:19 They wanted to get married
08:21 but he was very honest with her.
08:22 He said, "I have this disease, the doctors do not give me
08:26 any guarantees of life for any length of time."
08:30 And her response was, "I don't care how long we have
08:34 as long as we spend the time truly together."
08:38 And so they decided to get married.
08:40 And then their motto was,
08:43 "We will not waste time fighting
08:45 because we may have precious little."
08:48 We don't know how much time we have.
08:49 And so they said,
08:51 "We, we had to make this pact with each other,
08:53 that our time together was going to be positive.
08:56 You know, we might lose him tomorrow, you know,
08:59 or we might lose him years later, we didn't know.
09:02 And so, they said that, what they had to do
09:05 was put aside everything that didn't matter.
09:09 And they, they realize
09:11 that what mattered only came down to two things.
09:14 It was loving God and loving the people around them.
09:17 Right. It all came down to love.
09:19 They said, "We will love each other,
09:21 we won't let anything get in the way of that,
09:23 we will love the people around us,
09:25 our family and friends."
09:26 And they figured out that that was what mattered.
09:30 You know, you know,
09:32 that I spent quite a bit of time
09:34 as a hospice chaplain and a hospital chaplain.
09:38 And I've had the privilege of attending over 500 deaths,
09:42 and people say a privileged, but yeah, it is a privilege.
09:45 It is a privilege.
09:46 The secret moment.
09:47 It is and to help those people focus their lives
09:50 as they approach life's end.
09:52 And I discover something about people
09:54 who are focusing on life's end.
09:58 They tended to focus on the only things that mattered.
10:01 And actually the only things that seemed to matter to them
10:04 were these.
10:05 "Am I right with God?"
10:07 And then they may say, "I wish I had spent more time
10:10 with my family, can I make that right?"
10:13 And there was a third thing and that is,
10:14 "I wish I'd just taken more time
10:16 to smell the roses."
10:17 Just to enjoy the moment, you know, of life.
10:20 And really that's the same thing
10:22 that we just talked about with this couple where he had,
10:25 where Dick had cancer.
10:26 Is they were reduced
10:28 to that level of living early on.
10:32 As I talk to people about their lives
10:35 as they approach life's end.
10:37 And I realize how focused they get on life
10:40 on those things that matter.
10:42 It taught me a lesson.
10:44 And that is, if it's that important at life's end
10:46 to focus on those things.
10:48 Maybe it should be as important at every other stage of life,
10:53 life's beginning, life's middle, life's end
10:56 that we focus on the only things
10:58 that really matter.
10:59 Love for God, love for each other.
11:02 And then, enjoying the life that we have,
11:04 making it positive,
11:06 and enjoying that experience as we move on.
11:09 You know, they knew that they didn't have time.
11:13 Or they might not have time, they didn't know and they said,
11:16 they were not going to spend it fighting.
11:18 Well, even then, you know, that there were times
11:21 that they didn't agree with each other,
11:23 that there were times of conflict
11:25 but they learned the lesson
11:26 that we talked about in another show,
11:28 and that is what John Gottman says
11:31 in his research that successful couples,
11:34 happily married couples,
11:38 they deal with conflict in tender gentle ways.
11:43 And so, Polly and Dick learned to do that.
11:45 You know, they had to deal with conflict.
11:47 But they were, they behaved as friends
11:50 and they dealt with their conflict
11:52 in gentle tender ways.
11:54 They cared about each other so that--
11:57 Because of that, they were able not to waste any time.
12:00 And now the interesting thing was.
12:01 You know, I said "Well, how long did he live?"
12:04 And she said, "You know, he had his ups and downs physically.
12:07 There were times when he was just full of energy
12:10 and did great.
12:11 There were other times when he was back in treatment
12:13 and he had his ups and downs.
12:15 But he passed away when he was age 50."
12:18 Fifty, he outlived the doctor's expectation by 25 years.
12:22 He did.
12:24 And you know, when she told that story she just beamed.
12:26 She said, "We had, we had all that time together,
12:30 we had 24 years together that we spent, you know,
12:34 even when we thought there wouldn't be any.
12:36 And we did not allow any of it to be sour."
12:39 You know, all of us live with a limited life expectancy.
12:43 That's right.
12:44 It may be 70 years, 80 years. 90.
12:47 It may be 50 years or less, we don't know.
12:51 You can be--
12:52 Or maybe a day. We don't know. That's right.
12:54 You can be in the pink of health
12:56 and have a car accident on the way home.
12:58 Those things happen.
13:00 The key is, I'm going to live today to the fullest.
13:03 And I'm not going to waste time fighting.
13:05 There's a book entitled, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff",
13:08 and the subtitle is "By the Way it's all Small Stuff."
13:10 It's all small stuff.
13:12 And really at the end of life, when people look back,
13:14 all those things that seemed
13:16 so important to them at the time
13:18 are such small things that they don't really matter.
13:21 They don't. Nothing matters but Christ.
13:24 Nothing matters but our loving relationships here.
13:28 You matter, my children matter,
13:29 the people we've had contact with,
13:31 we've ministered to, our friends matter,
13:33 our extended family.
13:35 Not much else really makes much of a difference, does it?
13:37 It really doesn't matter at all.
13:40 So, when we look at the things we talked about today.
13:41 You know to, to not hold a grudge.
13:44 Yeah. What a waste of time.
13:47 What a waste of that precious time,
13:49 not hold a grudge.
13:50 Let the other person know
13:52 that they're the most loved person in the world.
13:55 No one could ever love you more than I do,
13:57 and no one is loved more than you are.
13:59 And then don't waste any time.
14:02 We recommend this to you today,
14:03 because we want you to be happily in love forever.