Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000085A
00:19 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hands."
00:21 We are Mike and, Gayle Tucker
00:23 from Faith for Today television,
00:25 co-host of Lifestyle Magazine and Mad about Marriage.
00:28 And if you would like to watch those shows,
00:30 you can go to lifestyle.org or madaboutmarriage.com.
00:34 We have been talking today about mottos
00:38 that successful couples have shared with us on Facebook.
00:41 And we have been processing some of those.
00:43 It's good to learn from people who are successful.
00:46 It is, you know, we asked our Facebook friends to tell us
00:49 what makes their marriages work?
00:52 And they came up with some mottos and basically is that,
00:55 a thing that becomes a principle
00:57 that you can repeat over and over,
00:59 you kind of go back to it.
01:00 When you are having trouble
01:02 and it reminds you of deep principles for your marriage.
01:05 We also discovered that
01:07 all of those mottos that they came up
01:09 with really were founded in research and in scripture,
01:13 and so that's why we want to share with our audience here.
01:15 They're founded in scripture first--
01:17 Oh, absolutely.
01:19 And, you know, and then it's nice
01:20 that the research actually backs up scripture now.
01:21 Yeah, that's right.
01:24 So, we've got one that we'd like to share with you,
01:26 it says, "Love keeps no record of wrongs."
01:29 And that is directly from 1 Corinthians 13.
01:32 That's right.
01:33 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 say this,
01:36 "Love is patient, love is kind,
01:40 love is not jealous, it does not boast,
01:43 it does not become conceited,
01:45 it does not behave dishonorably,
01:47 it is not selfish, it does not become angry,
01:51 it does not keep a record of wrongs
01:54 and it does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
01:56 but rejoices with the truth,
01:58 does not keep a record of wrongs."
02:00 I like that.
02:01 You know, that's translated a couple of other ways,
02:04 in one translation it says that,
02:06 "It is not resentful."
02:08 It is not resentful when you think about
02:10 keeping a record of wrongs.
02:11 Sometimes we think, well, I don't keep score.
02:15 But if we have this resentment, we are just holding it
02:19 and it bubbles up from time to time,
02:22 that's the same thing.
02:23 What you're saying resentment is like
02:25 a drinking poison hoping your enemy will die.
02:28 It doesn't work.
02:29 It doesn't work and you are not hurting anyone
02:31 but yourself and it poisons the relationship.
02:34 It absolutely poisons the relationship.
02:37 Another way it's translated is,
02:38 "Does not rejoice in wrong doing."
02:41 Now, you know, when you think about that,
02:44 if you are kind of keeping score,
02:47 you're looking to see what the other person does wrong.
02:50 You're basically rejoicing in their wrong doing
02:52 so that you can put yourself a little bit above them.
02:55 Look, they did that again.
02:57 Look, I don't do those things.
02:59 So keeping a record of wrong
03:00 and when you put all of this in the context of marriage.
03:05 I mean it just fits so perfectly,
03:06 we should just all put this on our walls, you know.
03:09 Patient, kind, not jealous--
03:10 I noticed you looked at me when you said patient.
03:13 I don't know, what does that mean, you looked up?
03:17 It does not boast, it does not conceited.
03:20 Yeah. All those things.
03:21 I mean, if we live with that person,
03:24 I don't think we could ask for more.
03:26 No, you cannot, but, you know, it's...
03:28 for a lot of people, it's difficult to forgive
03:31 and I think that difficulty comes
03:34 because we have a difficult time
03:37 realizing that we have been forgiven.
03:39 If we can't accept the forgiveness
03:42 that God gives to us, the grace of God.
03:44 Then how on earth do we forgive others.
03:47 But when you recognize He's forgiven you.
03:49 I had a couple come to me for counseling one time
03:52 and she had an affair some years ago
03:56 and he had claimed that he'd forgiven her
03:59 but in reality he hadn't.
04:00 And for years he made her life very miserable.
04:03 And then is that resentment welled up inside of him.
04:06 He went out and had an affair to get even
04:08 and she found out about it.
04:10 Finally they came to me for counseling, all right.
04:12 So, you know, we kind if one upping
04:13 each other here with these,
04:14 with the bad behavior and we struggled with this
04:18 and I realized we were not getting
04:19 anywhere with this counseling
04:21 because there was no forgiveness
04:22 certainly on his part.
04:24 So I assigned him to read a book, I said,
04:26 you need to read this book,
04:27 don't come back until you read it.
04:29 And there was a book on the grace of God
04:32 and he is like, I don't need a marriage book,
04:33 I said, no you don't, you need this book,
04:35 don't come back till you read it.
04:36 So after a couple of weeks,
04:38 he called me up and said, we are ready to comeback.
04:39 I said, have you read the book?
04:41 He said yes, I have.
04:42 They came in and they sat down for counseling.
04:44 He said, I'd like to say something, I said okay.
04:47 He then confessed his sin before her his affair
04:51 and asked her for forgiveness
04:53 and he told her that he had forgiven her,
04:55 but he begged her to forgive him
04:57 and the sessions went wonderfully
05:00 and I thought what on earth is going on here.
05:03 And finally she looked at him, she said,
05:04 I don't know if I can trust you.
05:06 She said, I love this new man,
05:08 this is the man I always wanted to be married to,
05:11 but how do I know the old man won't come back?
05:13 And he just started weeping.
05:15 And I looked at him and I said,
05:17 you've been converted, he said, yes.
05:20 I found the grace of God and I can never go back,
05:24 I'll never go back.
05:25 When he accepted the forgiveness
05:27 that God had given to him
05:28 and enabled him to forgive his wife
05:30 and that marriage was healed.
05:32 In fact, they became so close
05:34 that their children were embarrassed
05:36 to see them together,
05:37 because they just were always holding hands,
05:39 arms around each other
05:40 and they have been married for some years, you know.
05:42 And yet the healing that God provided for them
05:45 when they kept no record of wrong,
05:48 when they truly chose to forgive each other was amazing.
05:52 And the amazing thing about that is
05:54 that we do not have the ability to keep no record of wrongs
05:57 until we understand what God has done for us.
05:59 That's it.
06:01 When we understand His forgiveness for us,
06:03 it makes all the difference.
06:05 Then we say, how could I not forgive someone else.
06:09 But, you know,
06:10 sometimes we don't forgive each other because--
06:13 First of all we say, well, he doesn't deserve it.
06:16 Well, you know what, if you deserve forgiveness,
06:18 you would need it.
06:19 Exactly, exactly.
06:20 Who deserves forgiveness? Who deserves it?
06:22 No one. No one deserves it.
06:23 We don't deserve what God has done for us.
06:25 And that very knowledge again is what allows us to understand
06:30 that the other person
06:31 can receive it without deserving it.
06:32 That's right.
06:34 But when we receive the grace of God,
06:35 which we don't deserve,
06:37 then it enables us to pass it along to others
06:40 who also don't deserve it.
06:41 And of course it is interesting that the one caveat
06:44 that God gives regarding our grace.
06:46 The one caveat He gives regarding our forgiveness
06:49 is that we must pass it along.
06:52 If we don't pass it along,
06:53 that's the only way you can abrogate
06:54 the forgiveness God has given to you,
06:56 is basically by refusing to pass it along.
06:59 And so we are supposed to forgive others.
07:01 I think really that says, I have not received it.
07:02 That's right.
07:03 I haven't received it in my heart,
07:05 if I'm not willing to pass it along.
07:06 But when we recognize
07:08 the tremendous gift God has given to us with His grace.
07:12 The wonderful free gift of salvation and forgiveness.
07:16 We cannot help but just pass it along.
07:19 You want to get rid of the resentments,
07:21 you want to get rid of those things and let it go.
07:23 Well, in your marriage,
07:25 your wife is not as content as it could be, if you don't,
07:29 because you've got this separation between you.
07:32 And the thing that we desire in our marriage
07:34 is intimacy and closeness,
07:36 that's the reason we got married
07:38 is so that we could share life with one another,
07:40 we could share that journey
07:42 and if we intentionally leave things between us,
07:46 we will never have that intimacy.
07:48 Right. We could otherwise have.
07:50 One of the things, I think, that is helpful
07:52 with this keeping no record of wrongs
07:55 is developing a short memory.
07:57 Oh, I've got that.
07:59 I know you do and I love you for it.
08:02 You can't seem to remember anything
08:04 I've done wrong in the past
08:05 and I just praise God for that, it's wonderful.
08:07 He teases me about that all the time,
08:10 that I don't remember anything.
08:11 And really it's really true,
08:13 I do think it's a gift from God.
08:15 Because we might have, you know,
08:17 differences or times when we're angry with each other
08:20 and it seems like I am able to put them behind me
08:24 and I literally can't remember them.
08:27 That is a gift that God has given to you,
08:29 but it's also gift to me,
08:31 because you can't remember the bad things
08:33 that I have done in the past.
08:34 Well you know, I think when we come to this thing of
08:37 how do we forgive?
08:39 I think one of the things that we need to look at is,
08:42 it's just saying, well,
08:43 what's our goal for this marriage.
08:46 You know, I can hold a grudge against you,
08:48 but what is my ultimate goal?
08:50 What do I want us to accomplish in this marriage?
08:54 Is it to live in separate lives, separate rooms,
08:57 you know just, maybe the parallel lives
09:00 under the same roof but no closeness?
09:03 Or do I want us to have the marriage that God intended
09:07 and that's what I want.
09:09 So how do I get to that goal?
09:11 Well, we have to recognize first of all that,
09:13 that is the end game, that's what we want
09:16 and that failing to give the forgiveness
09:19 is going to block the intimacy, also failing to forgive
09:23 and holding something over my head so to speak
09:25 is a form of control.
09:27 And power and control are elements of abuse.
09:29 So we have to recognize the ugliness
09:31 that comes from not forgiving,
09:34 but then when we receive the grace of God
09:36 and when we just focus on Jesus
09:39 and receive His loving character
09:41 and we try to emulate Him, we have to let go of this.
09:46 I think that it's important to bath ourselves in scripture
09:49 and to focus on His love.
09:51 I remember the very difficult time in my life.
09:55 I mean, I was, you know this better than the most.
09:58 I had to spend a great many years
10:01 being depressed and angry.
10:03 And I knew, I needed healing for this.
10:07 And I made up a promise to myself
10:09 that other than that which I had to read for sermon prep,
10:13 I would read nothing other than about the love of Jesus,
10:17 the grace of God
10:18 and then the practice of prayer.
10:22 Those were the things that I would read about.
10:24 And I decided, I would do that for a year,
10:28 and so I did it for a year and after a year, I said,
10:30 I was enjoying it so much, I went to two years.
10:32 Two years.
10:33 And even today, although I read a wide variety of material,
10:36 if I had my brothers,
10:38 I would probably only read about those things
10:40 because it was such a healing experience for me
10:43 to recognize God's love is.
10:45 I focused on that.
10:47 I truly understood that I was accepted by Jesus,
10:51 I was forgiven.
10:52 And when I did that,
10:53 it was easier for me to pass that along to others.
10:56 Even those who I was angry with
10:58 because of the pain that caused my life.
11:00 I was able to release it and let go of this.
11:03 And the joy that came back to me was amazing.
11:07 Oh, and that was very apparent in your life too.
11:11 I mean, we always had
11:12 a close relationship and a good marriage
11:13 and yet I could definitely see that during that time.
11:17 And you passed it along to me too
11:19 and just even in sharing some of the things
11:22 that you were learning in that walk
11:24 and it so blessed both of us.
11:26 It really did.
11:27 And you know, I think,
11:29 this thing of bathing yourself in scripture,
11:30 especially the scripture about Jesus is the thing to do.
11:33 We have been studying
11:35 in a women study group that I am in with.
11:36 We have been studying the Book of Luke recently.
11:39 And as you study through that, you follow Jesus's journey
11:44 and you see how gentle He was with everyone around Him,
11:48 you see how merciful,
11:49 you see how He noticed the least person
11:53 and He knew their need.
11:54 You know, they might even be
11:55 just out at the corner of his eye
11:57 and he knew their need and he always met it.
12:01 He was always there.
12:02 One of my favorite Christian authors
12:07 has advised us
12:09 that we should spend a thoughtful hour each day
12:13 contemplating the life of Christ,
12:15 especially the closing scenes and the value of that is,
12:20 that we begin to emulate Him.
12:22 And more specifically that we find His grace for us
12:26 and we pass that along.
12:28 That should be so important to us
12:29 that we are willing to dedicate
12:31 that our each day reading the gospels,
12:35 contemplating His life, meditating upon His life
12:39 and His grace is goodness for us
12:42 and that changes us.
12:43 It does, He starts to become real to us.
12:46 He is not just a person we've always heard about.
12:48 He's real.
12:49 And when he becomes real, His love becomes real
12:52 and when His love becomes real, it changes everything.
12:57 Everything... Everything...
12:58 We keep no record of wrong
13:00 and the way Tracy put it in her motto was,
13:03 never hold a grudge.
13:04 Never hold a grudge.
13:06 We are gonna take a break and when we comeback,
13:07 we've got more on this topic.
13:09 We will be right back.