Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000084A
00:19 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hand."
00:21 We're Mike and Gayle Tucker
00:22 from Faith For Today Television.
00:24 We're the co-host of our flagship programs
00:26 with that ministry,
00:28 Lifestyle Magazine and Mad About Marriage.
00:30 And we're honored to be here today
00:33 as we talk about Marriage in God's Hand.
00:35 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage.
00:37 We ask successful couples
00:39 to share with us that they had a motto
00:41 of guiding principle that help make their marriage work
00:44 and we found that those were in three different areas.
00:47 First was to Choose and then Connect
00:50 and then the third area was Communicate.
00:52 And we've dealt quite a bit with the area of Choose
00:56 and this last show we dealt with Connect.
00:59 We like do one more Connect
01:00 before we move on to Communicate.
01:03 This is one of my favorite connection ones
01:05 because it talks about the humor connection.
01:08 You know, humor is very, very important part
01:11 of the relationship especially in marriage relationship.
01:14 Humor, when people are dating, humor tends to be a magnet.
01:20 In fact, if you Google humor and marriage,
01:22 you will find all kinds of research that tells you
01:25 that humor is one of the most important things
01:28 for maintaining a healthy relationship
01:30 and just a healthy life in general.
01:32 It's also one of the factors that women sight
01:34 is to why they chose their husband
01:37 is because he made me laugh.
01:39 So humor is an important thing as far as drawing
01:42 of the opposite sex.
01:44 They ask women why did you marry your husband?
01:46 Way over the top of the list, he made me laugh.
01:49 Right, right. That's huge.
01:51 And I like what Jeff Johnson says,
01:52 there is a quote here it says,
01:54 "I know just how to make my wife laugh
01:57 and it's my favorite thing to do.
01:59 When we laugh together, I feel closer to her,
02:02 we share something."
02:04 Isn't that true? It is true.
02:05 You know, when you laugh together,
02:07 all of a sudden you are friends.
02:08 Yeah. That's right.
02:09 You think the same thing is funny, you laugh together.
02:12 There is a shared experience there.
02:14 There is a bonding experience that takes place with that.
02:17 In fact, the longer you're married,
02:19 the easier it is just to kind of look at something
02:21 and want to laugh without saying a word
02:23 because you got so much history over this issue,
02:26 that it automatically you know what's funny about this
02:29 and you know how you would share that with each other.
02:31 Yeah, you've got the inside jokes.
02:32 Yes. Yes.
02:34 Inside jokes come solely because of history.
02:36 History. You spend time together.
02:38 You had experiences together.
02:40 You can just look, you can nod, you know, little wink,
02:43 you know what it is.
02:44 With us there are experiences from our children growing up.
02:46 We can say a phrase at a particular time
02:49 no one else gets it
02:50 but it comes from raising our kids
02:52 and that phrase is just key to us, you know.
02:54 Yeah, one of them is when our daughter was little.
02:58 She was about three
02:59 and she was trying to follow a bigger group of kids up hill.
03:02 She was running behind them to try to keep up
03:05 and she fell down and she fell really hard
03:08 and we were worried about her
03:09 and we ran up there to try to help her.
03:12 And she got up and she looked around
03:14 and she looked at her knees
03:15 and brushed them off and she says,
03:17 "I won't care if that hurt."
03:19 And she got up and she ran off. Ran.
03:20 So for us--
03:22 It is more important to keep up with the other kids
03:23 than it was to cry over the hurt so.
03:26 All we have to do now say, "I don't care if that hurt."
03:27 That's right.
03:28 You know, and to us that means
03:30 I'm gonna keep going no matter what,
03:32 I don't care if it hurt.
03:33 And there is humor there
03:34 and yet there is also a source of inspiration there.
03:36 That's right.
03:37 But there are other things, you know,
03:38 that you go through life, you see your kids do things
03:40 or you have experiences together
03:42 and that creates this little inside joke
03:46 that only the two of you get and it really helps bond you.
03:49 It does, and those inside jokes sometimes
03:53 and the humorous mottos
03:56 that may sound a little odd on the surface,
03:59 sometimes carry with them a big principle.
04:02 And even though they may sound rough,
04:04 and the reason I say that is because we want to share
04:06 a couple of them that sound on the surface kind of bad.
04:10 One that came from Jacqueline says,
04:12 "You're stuck with me good, bad or ugly,
04:14 we're committed to each other."
04:16 Yeah. You are stuck with me.
04:17 Stuck with me.
04:18 Now, it depends on tone of voice there, doesn't it?
04:20 Of course. Of course.
04:21 And Erika sent one in.
04:23 She says, "You are here till you are dead
04:24 whether you like it or not."
04:27 You are here till you are dead, sorry.
04:29 Yes, sorry. You chose this.
04:30 You know, in an abusive relationship
04:32 that does not sound too good.
04:34 But with a history together of joking and laughter
04:38 and love and the understanding,
04:40 yes, we are committed to one another.
04:42 All right, now that sounds kind of funny, you know.
04:44 You're here till you're dead
04:46 whether you like it or not, you know.
04:47 And sometimes something like that can even lighten the mood.
04:50 You know, when there's conflict things are tough.
04:52 You know you are not agreeing with each other.
04:55 You know, you can look over and say,
04:56 "You know, you're here till you're dead."
04:57 Yeah. Yeah.
04:59 Little smile
05:00 and all of the sudden the mood lightens
05:02 and you are like, yeah.
05:03 I see the big picture now.
05:04 And I want to be here till I'm dead.
05:07 I don't wanted to be any different.
05:08 Yeah, another one from Gary and Diane
05:10 and when they start to get heated,
05:13 they say something that on the surface just sounds
05:15 you gasp over it, you know.
05:17 But they look at each other when they start to get heated
05:20 in order to relieve the tension because of their history again
05:23 one will say idiot, the other say dummy.
05:25 And then they both say love you and the argument is over.
05:27 Yeah. Yeah.
05:28 Now, what?
05:30 You know, on the surface it looks absolutely ridiculous,
05:32 even frightening but because of their history
05:35 this makes sense
05:37 and that solves arguments for them.
05:38 It basically says, we don't even have to go into this.
05:42 We don't have to discuss
05:43 every little bit of this conflict.
05:46 I know that I don't agree with you.
05:47 I think you are an idiot. I don't agree with you.
05:49 I think you're a dummy. Okay, well, we still love each.
05:52 We still love each other, we like to move on.
05:54 And, you know, for them it works.
05:56 It works. Yeah.
05:57 And I know that our viewers, there are people out there
05:59 who have that little inside jokes.
06:00 Some of them may be shocked by some of these inside jokes,
06:03 others have got their own inside joke
06:05 that will be just shocking to someone else
06:07 but the truth is it works.
06:09 It's something that the two of you chuckle about.
06:11 And by the way there is a difference
06:12 between laughing at and laughing with.
06:15 That's right.
06:16 If I laugh at you, that is not so funny,
06:18 but if I laugh with you,
06:19 if you and I find the same thing to be humorous
06:21 and it's not at your expense.
06:23 One of my rules for humor is I never tell a joke
06:26 that will be at your expense, even if it's a great joke.
06:29 That's very much appreciated too.
06:30 Yeah. Yeah.
06:32 Either I would change the joke to be at my expense,
06:34 I just don't tell it because it's not worth it.
06:36 I don't want to tell a joke,
06:37 I don't want to say anything at your expense
06:39 even if it is a joke.
06:41 I'm not gonna go there
06:42 because I have too much respect for you.
06:43 So I have to respect you even in my humor.
06:46 That's right.
06:47 And these are not disrespectful,
06:48 these are things that they came up with
06:50 because of their history and they said,
06:52 "Yeah, it just reminds us we're together no matter what."
06:56 And I think you do have to be careful
06:58 because tone of voice
07:00 and what's happening at the moment
07:02 when you say anything like that,
07:04 you know, you don't want to be injuring the other person.
07:07 So you are not gonna just call someone an idiot.
07:09 No, of course not.
07:11 But you have to remember that tone of voice means everything
07:15 and history means everything.
07:18 But just connecting through humorous things
07:20 is very important.
07:21 Being able to laugh at each others jokes, it's greatness.
07:24 I love being married to you
07:26 because you have such a short memory
07:28 when it comes to my jokes.
07:29 I've cycled through, you don't know this
07:31 but I cycle through the same jokes every five years
07:33 and you keep laughing at them.
07:35 Now, I haven't had to learn new material.
07:36 You don't know that's not really true.
07:38 No, of course it is. Come on.
07:40 I just do that for your sake. Oh, too kind.
07:45 All right.
07:47 Well, let's move out of connection.
07:48 Let's move on to the next,
07:49 the next section of these mottos
07:52 which is communicate.
07:53 You have to know
07:55 how to communicate with each other, don't we?
07:56 Yeah. Yeah.
07:58 And there has to be a kindness of communication.
08:00 It's huge.
08:01 In fact, one person sent this in, they said,
08:05 "I will communicate my love for you daily
08:08 using words when necessary."
08:09 Oh, I like that.
08:11 I communicate my love to you daily.
08:13 So, communication has to do
08:14 with more than words, doesn't it?
08:17 And that's what this motto recognizes,
08:20 that sometimes we use words and that's great,
08:23 but the tenor of our lives on a day-to-day basis
08:26 has to be one of saying, "I love you.
08:29 Well, I do shows that I love you,
08:31 my actions towards you."
08:33 Now, if I say, if I use the words I love you,
08:36 but my actions don't demonstrate that,
08:39 then what are those words mean to you?
08:41 Not much because the actions
08:43 are so much louder than the words.
08:45 Right, in fact, the words themselves
08:47 can become a strong negative rather than a positive
08:52 because you say this but you're yelling at me.
08:55 You know, you call me names. You make jokes at my expense.
08:59 You don't do anything to help me out.
09:01 Yeah, don't tell me you love me,
09:02 because I see what you do.
09:05 And I've heard so many people
09:06 in my office as a pastor tell me that and that,
09:09 you know, I see what she does or I see what he does
09:13 and then they say, "I love you."
09:16 And then those are hollow words at that point.
09:19 It doesn't mean anything to them.
09:20 So we have to communicate our love daily
09:25 moment by moment in everything that we do
09:28 and then the words mean something.
09:30 Yeah, that's true.
09:31 And sometimes we don't even have
09:32 to say the words then they know it.
09:34 Yeah, now, you grew in a home where the words
09:36 "I love you" were not said all that often.
09:38 They were not.
09:39 Yet love was communicated. Absolutely.
09:41 You know, there was no doubt that we loved each other.
09:45 My dad talked a lot about,
09:46 you know, we love each other as a family.
09:48 Aren't we blessed to love each other?
09:50 But we didn't say the words "I love you."
09:53 I seldom remember that.
09:56 In fact, when I want away to school,
09:58 I was in academy college,
10:00 you know, especially in academy I called my parents,
10:03 we talked to them every week.
10:04 I was so excited to talk to them.
10:06 Love the conversation
10:07 and I remember them initiating at that point,
10:10 ending the conversation by saying "I love you."
10:14 And I liked that they said it
10:16 and yet it was so different for me.
10:18 I didn't know how to just say, "I love you too" you know.
10:23 But there was no doubt in my mind that they love me.
10:28 So I had learned that they love me
10:30 by their general communication,
10:33 by the way they treated me, by the atmosphere in our home.
10:37 So yes, if you ask me did my parents love me?
10:40 Yes, they do,
10:41 you know, but we didn't use the words that much.
10:43 Yeah. Interesting.
10:45 But still the communication
10:46 was sent on a daily basis regularly.
10:49 I think that is important that we know
10:51 how our spouse wants that to be communicated.
10:54 Garry Smalley has written,
10:55 done his work on the love languages
10:58 and according to his theory,
11:00 you know, this is not a research based theory
11:02 that he has written his books on,
11:04 but it is of more observational and experiential
11:09 and a lot of people have benefited from his work.
11:12 And so, he says that there is different love languages,
11:15 that some people want love communicated one way,
11:17 another person want some love communicated another way.
11:21 The key is to understand
11:22 what your spouse's love language is
11:24 and communicate in that way with your spouse.
11:26 Yeah, some of the ways might be,
11:29 you know, for some people giving of gifts,
11:32 that means love.
11:33 That just spells love
11:34 and they want to buy gifts for the other person,
11:36 they want to receive gifts.
11:37 Or make gifts.
11:38 It doesn't have to be an expensive thing.
11:40 Just the token, the idea, here's my gift to you.
11:42 Someone brought me a gift. Yes.
11:44 Or I was able to give a gift, that's their language of love.
11:47 Other people that really is the words.
11:49 The words. To say "I love you."
11:51 To say, "I really like the way you look today.
11:54 I appreciate it what you did for me yesterday.
11:58 You know, thank you for making this."
11:59 It's the words. Yeah.
12:01 With you, it's not so much saying I love you
12:04 but just saying it in the soft tone of voice.
12:06 I can ask you to take out the trash
12:08 in a soft tone of voice and it feels loving to you.
12:11 Just be nice. Just be nice.
12:14 But for other people,
12:15 you know, it is doing something physical for them.
12:18 It's an act of service, an act of kindness,
12:20 but recognizing how it is that your spouse
12:23 wants love communicated and then beginning
12:26 to show the love as well as say the love,
12:30 so that the message comes through loud and clear.
12:32 Again, it's gonna be congruent,
12:35 if indeed you say one thing and do another
12:37 or you behave one way over here that is unloving
12:40 and another way over here that is loving,
12:42 that's a double message.
12:43 It's a mix message
12:45 and that sends the wrong message to our spouse.
12:48 We need to be congruent with our words
12:50 or with our actions or with all of them
12:52 pointing in the same general direction.
12:54 I want to communicate my love to you
12:56 on a daily basis.
12:58 I'll use words when necessary,
13:00 but I always want you to know how much I do love you
13:03 and care for you and appreciate you.
13:05 All right.
13:06 We're gonna take a break on that note.
13:07 We're gonna be back in just a moment.
13:09 So stay tuned
13:11 and we will be right back after this.