Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000083A
00:18 Welcome to 'Marriage in God's Hand."
00:20 I'm Mike Tucker, this is Gayle Tucker.
00:22 We're with Faith For Today Television
00:24 and we are the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine
00:26 and Mad About Marriage.
00:29 We've been taking about Mottos for Marriage.
00:32 Successful couples have shared with us their secrets
00:35 of what makes their marriage work.
00:37 And we are now relaying them on to you.
00:39 What are the mottos that make their marriage work?
00:41 Now, we've talked about these mottos
00:43 being in three different categories.
00:44 They are.
00:45 We have Choose, Connect and Communicate.
00:49 So far we've been dealing with Choose.
00:50 We are gonna change gears now, go to Connect, aren't we?
00:52 That's right.
00:54 In this show, we are going to talk about connecting.
00:56 And it's really important that we know
00:58 how to connect with one another,
00:59 that we connect with our spouse.
01:01 This is what creates warmth
01:03 and closeness in the relationship.
01:06 When we connect with each other,
01:08 it allows us to kind of open doors
01:11 that wouldn't be open otherwise.
01:13 Steven Stosny and Patricia Love in their book
01:16 "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
01:18 say that if we learn to connect with one another,
01:21 that we can actually open doors to be able to deal with issues
01:25 in our marriage that we might not have otherwise dealt with.
01:28 This is especially true for men.
01:30 Most men, not every man fits in this category.
01:33 Some men are open to talk
01:34 and anxious to talk to their spouse
01:36 but the majority of men are not.
01:39 And that's because of the issue of fear.
01:41 I mean, partly shame.
01:42 Women have fear but men have shame.
01:44 Basically, they are afraid that if indeed
01:46 we talk about these things,
01:48 it will be nothing more than a long list of the ways
01:49 in which they have failed
01:51 and that list will produce shame.
01:53 And that's the most powerful negative emotions
01:56 that they have in their life, so they want to avoid talking.
01:58 However, if indeed there is a connection,
02:01 where they are made to feel safe now
02:03 and we know you're accepted
02:04 and this is not about shaming you,
02:06 this is about two people finding,
02:07 working together as a team,
02:10 then they are open to that conversation.
02:11 That's right.
02:13 And connection is so important in many ways in life.
02:15 I remember seeing a video clip of a woman
02:19 who was talking about marriage
02:21 and she was reflecting on
02:23 what it really means to be married.
02:25 And this quote says this, she said,
02:28 "We need a witness to our lives.
02:30 There are billions of people on the planet...
02:32 I mean, what does one life really mean?
02:35 But in a marriage,
02:37 you're promising to care about everything.
02:39 The good things, the bad things,
02:41 the terrible things, the mundane things,
02:45 all of it, all the time every day.
02:47 You're saying,
02:49 'Your life will not go unnoticed
02:51 because I will notice it.
02:53 Your life will not go unwitnessed
02:56 because I will be your witness.'"
02:59 Now, you know, of all the things we want in marriage,
03:01 I think this may be one of the highest on the list.
03:06 We want to have our life matter to someone else.
03:09 We want to witness to our lives and when we learn to connect
03:13 with our spouse, that's what we gain,
03:15 that someone who cares about every detail of our lives
03:19 and they witness every moment of our lives.
03:22 You talk to people who have been married 50,
03:25 60 years and they begin to reminisce about
03:27 what is meant to be married together,
03:30 what all of that and sharing the stories
03:32 from each other lives,
03:33 not just their own life but each others lives.
03:36 You realize that they really truly have been a witness
03:38 to one another's lives,
03:40 that the life is not gone unnoticed.
03:42 It had significance, it had value.
03:45 Simply in the fact that it was
03:46 witnessed by another human being
03:47 someone who is important to you.
03:49 Well, you think about what happens
03:50 when a spouse passes away after,
03:53 you know, being married for many years.
03:56 The remaining spouse,
03:59 every moment of the day they will see things,
04:01 talk about things that remind them of that person.
04:04 You know, "She would have said this."
04:06 Or you remember, "He did that."
04:08 This was important to her.
04:10 They can recount all those things that
04:12 and as they were walking through life,
04:14 they might not have even been able to tell you about them.
04:17 But looking back they realize that every single
04:19 one of those things made an impression.
04:22 It adds value and significance to our lives
04:24 but also as we share those things
04:26 and we celebrate them together,
04:28 as we witness one another's lives
04:30 and we talk about that.
04:32 It brings us closer to each other
04:33 and makes a safe place for us
04:35 because we know we are cherished here,
04:37 we know we are valued here.
04:38 And in that safety,
04:40 we have the opportunity not to work out
04:42 any difficulties that we have,
04:43 to talk about issues to make what is good even better.
04:47 But it starts with a connection.
04:48 It does.
04:49 I want to feel close to you, you feeling close to me.
04:51 We're demonstrating to each other through that connection
04:54 that we are safe in working through these issues together.
04:58 That's right.
04:59 So when we asked the Facebook friends
05:01 for their mottos for marriage,
05:04 one of the first ones that we got back
05:05 came from a good friend of ours.
05:08 Her name is Linda.
05:09 She is marvelous. We love Linda.
05:11 She is wonderful.
05:12 And Bob and Linda are good friends.
05:14 Known Bob forever in a day.
05:15 And Linda as well and they are great people.
05:18 And her motto for marriage was very simple.
05:22 She said, "Just be nice. It's too simple" she says.
05:26 And you know what, Linda really believes that.
05:28 Oh, she does. She practices it.
05:29 In fact, when we've been together as couples, you know,
05:33 you and I and Bob and Linda
05:36 and we will sit there and something will come up
05:37 and Linda will say, "Just be nice."
05:40 And we talk about how Linda and I have it figured out.
05:43 If you'll just be nice, that's really all you need.
05:46 Now, isn't that simple though?
05:49 I think it actually is because I don't know of anybody
05:53 that doesn't want someone to just be kind.
05:56 You know, you think of the crustiest,
05:58 roughest man in the world
05:59 but who doesn't want tenderness?
06:02 Even that person wants tenderness and kindness,
06:04 so I think it's an important concept.
06:07 And the tenderness and kindness is a part of it.
06:11 But also just courtesy, common courtesy.
06:14 There are some old fashion things
06:16 that men used to do for women that,
06:19 you know, we've gone through a time
06:20 when basically is considered to be sexiest to do these things
06:23 and I think that was way over the top.
06:26 And but some of us old salty standbys continue to do them
06:29 whether they were politically correct or not.
06:31 And they bring value to the relationship.
06:33 Just something as simple as opening a car door
06:36 or saying "please" and "thank you."
06:39 Minding your behavior,
06:41 your manners at the table, you know?
06:43 Just learning to be nice,
06:45 those common courtesies of everyday living
06:48 that we need to extend to one another.
06:50 Well, you know, if you maintain
06:51 just good manners around your spouse,
06:54 that says you are as important as,
06:56 you know, somebody else that we would go out to dinner with.
07:00 Or you are as important now as you were when we were dating.
07:03 You think about when you're dating,
07:05 you are on your best behavior, you don't do crude things,
07:09 you don't say crude things.
07:11 You are not gonna belch at the table when you are dating.
07:13 It's just really is not really a very romantic come out here,
07:17 you know.
07:18 But for some odd reason,
07:20 we think that once we get married this person,
07:24 you know, to whom we want to be,
07:27 with whom we want to be intimate,
07:28 that we want to care about us that is not gonna matter now
07:33 if we do all those things that are, you know,
07:35 fairly, you know, untruth.
07:38 Yeah, untruth.
07:40 You know, you and I have a good friend
07:42 that she is getting on in years now.
07:44 Her name is Virginia. We love Virginia.
07:47 And we've known, I've known her
07:48 since I was a kid in elementary school
07:50 and you've known her since...
07:51 Many years.
07:53 Since you and I have been married.
07:54 And she is marvelous.
07:55 But this is a woman of culture,
07:57 a woman of manners and she is very...
08:01 She is sophisticated.
08:02 She is sophisticated, she is very proper.
08:03 She is a lovely Christian lady
08:05 who is always behaving in the proper way
08:08 and her conversations with people,
08:11 her manners at the table,
08:12 she taught them to her children.
08:14 Her grandchildren would come over and visit
08:15 and they would have a lesson on manners from Virginia,
08:18 from grandma.
08:19 And we have often remarked about her
08:22 as we look at people in the world,
08:24 that there may only be two cultured people
08:26 left on the planet and Virginia is one of them.
08:28 For sure. We know her. Yeah.
08:30 If there are only two left on the planet Virginia
08:32 is definitely one of them.
08:34 We know that for sure.
08:35 And then we will be out in public
08:36 and we will see someone do something that's rather crude.
08:39 And we look at each other
08:40 and say, "Well, that's not the other one."
08:44 If there are only cultured people left in the planet,
08:45 Virginia is one, that's not the other one.
08:47 So that's been our little joke.
08:49 But she has just been the epitome of that.
08:52 Yes, she has.
08:53 Another part...
08:54 And she had a great marriage too by the way.
08:56 Oh, yes she did.
08:57 Her husband has been dead for sometime but he adored her.
09:00 He did.
09:01 And that's one thing that they held true in their marriage.
09:03 They were nice. Yes.
09:05 They were considerate of one another.
09:07 So just be nice.
09:08 You know, I think it goes back to something very basic
09:10 in the Bible, the golden rule.
09:14 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
09:17 If we could hold that principle in our marriage.
09:21 You know, whenever I think of you,
09:23 I'm going to do to you what I hope you will do to me,
09:26 what I would like if you did to me.
09:28 I'm gonna treat you in a way
09:29 that is respectful, that's kind,
09:32 that's tender, that's gentle.
09:35 I mean, that's winning for anyone, isn't it?
09:38 And think about the people you want to be around.
09:41 You want to be around people that are nice.
09:43 Why would that not be true in your own home?
09:47 We get off track there because we think,
09:49 "Well, they are stuck with me anyway.
09:51 I'll say what I think.
09:52 I'll say what I feel like saying."
09:54 And we can say some of the most horrible things
09:57 to the people that we love the most.
09:59 We've heard people in public places, airports.
10:02 We spend a lot of time in airports
10:04 and we've heard people in airport speak to one another
10:06 in ways that we just think, "Are you kidding me?
10:09 This is how you're gonna treat the person
10:10 with whom you're supposed to spend the rest of your life?
10:14 Well, I remember one in particular
10:15 that we've talked about.
10:17 We were waiting at the gate and across the way,
10:20 just across the hall, there was a fast food place
10:23 and we listened and we heard this woman there.
10:27 And she was just shouting across the way, you know.
10:30 And she was shouting to someone and she was saying,
10:33 "Get over here and get yourself something to eat.
10:35 You know you get hungry on planes,
10:37 you know it's gonna be a four-hour flight.
10:40 Get over here.
10:41 What are you doing over there?"
10:42 And it just went on like that and we thought,
10:44 "Man, she is not very nice to her children."
10:47 And then suddenly, this person starts walking up.
10:50 Well, it wasn't a child, it was her husband.
10:52 Her husband.
10:53 That's how she was speaking to her husband in public.
10:56 What happened then was that he walked up to her,
10:59 he looked at her for a minute and he turned around
11:01 and walked away.
11:03 That's what we create when we are unkind.
11:06 We create that kind of rebellion and truthfully,
11:08 who would want to be around someone who treat you that way?
11:11 You don't want to be.
11:12 And it makes you recoil almost with anger.
11:16 Along this thing about being nice,
11:20 do you have anything else to add to that
11:21 or do we need to move on?
11:23 You want to hear what Gottman has to say about it?
11:25 Why don't you do that? Share that.
11:26 John and Julie Gottman are marriage researchers.
11:29 They have written a book called,
11:31 "Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage."
11:33 Here are the two things that they discovered
11:35 about successful marriages.
11:37 They discovered number one,
11:39 "Happily married couples behave like good friends."
11:43 That's kind of simple, isn't it?
11:45 There is kindness, there is tenderness.
11:46 They also discovered that "Happily married couples handle
11:48 their conflict in gentle and positive ways."
11:53 Those are two things that fit right in with Linda's mantra.
11:56 Be nice. Just be nice.
11:57 When we are gentle,
11:58 we treat each other like friends,
12:00 and we are kind when we are in conflict.
12:02 So, if we are gonna be successful as a couple,
12:04 we have to be good friends first of all.
12:07 And behave like good friends.
12:09 Behave like good friends.
12:11 And then to resolve any conflict
12:13 that we have in gentle ways.
12:15 You've always told me that the most important thing
12:17 I can do for you is to speak to you in a kind voice,
12:21 a gentle tender tone.
12:23 It really is.
12:24 And I've seen how you respond when I do that.
12:26 And when I forget to do it,
12:27 I've also seen how you've responded the other way.
12:29 Oh, my parents used to say, I turn white around the mouth.
12:32 Your lips get very thin, you turn white around the mouth
12:35 and you get very quiet, you kind of withdraw.
12:37 It's not a pleasant sight.
12:40 But when I speak to you with gentleness and with kindness,
12:42 you warm to that.
12:44 I think that all of us do to...
12:46 It's true for all of us. It is.
12:48 So again, this first motto of just be nice,
12:52 there is a lot of wisdom in those two little words.
12:53 There really is.
12:55 And you know what?
12:56 It's funny to learn that the experts agree with Linda.
12:59 Yeah, she is very simple in her approach.
13:01 She is just kind and nice to people
13:03 and she has a great marriage because of it.
13:05 She is that way to everyone,
13:07 you know, and certainly to Bob.
13:08 And Bob's not always easy to be nice.
13:10 I love him and I'll tell him that to his face
13:12 and he will agree with me.
13:13 He is a great guy.
13:15 We're gonna take a break right now.
13:16 We will be back with more right after this.