Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000082A
00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:21 I'm Mike Tucker. This is Gayle Tucker.
00:23 We are from Faith For Today Television.
00:25 We're the co-host of Lifestyle Magazine
00:28 and Mad About Marriage,
00:29 the flagship programs for Faith For Today.
00:32 And we've been talking about mottos
00:35 that were shared with us by people on Facebook
00:38 who have successful marriages.
00:40 We took our Facebook friends,
00:42 we said, "Please give us some ideas
00:44 about what makes marriage work for you.
00:46 Do you have a motto? Do you have a saying?
00:49 Do you have a principal that you repeat?"
00:50 A maxim.
00:52 Yes, that you repeat over and over.
00:53 Something that reminds you, "Hey, this helps us stay close.
00:56 This works for us."
00:58 And we got lots of responses. We did.
00:59 People who found out that things work
01:01 and as we said earlier on one of the other shows,
01:03 sometimes it's by trial and the error.
01:05 Sometimes it's because they've researched it
01:07 or they found that in God's word.
01:10 Or maybe you learned it from your parents,
01:11 your home of origin.
01:13 And you may have picked up something there.
01:14 And we also found that
01:16 they come in three different particular areas.
01:18 First is the choose.
01:21 And then connect.
01:22 And communicate are the three C's
01:24 that we put together in this area.
01:27 And we are still on the area of choosing.
01:31 And one of the mottos
01:32 that came to us was interesting.
01:35 It said, "Sometimes I don't like you
01:37 but I always love you."
01:41 Sometimes I don't like you all that much
01:44 but I always love you.
01:45 But always love you.
01:47 I think this is the one that reminds us
01:48 that there is a difference between love as a feeling
01:52 and love as a principle.
01:54 We can be reminded here that love is a choice,
01:56 that's why it fits in our big category of choice.
01:59 We make a choice for our marriage.
02:01 Which is also why in scripture, we can be commanded
02:05 to love one another
02:07 because you choose to love.
02:09 Basically, it means that love is a verb.
02:11 It's an action word.
02:13 We demonstrate our love not through feeling although,
02:17 you know, feelings may arrive
02:19 but through behaviors.
02:21 Things that we're gonna do,
02:22 I'm going to behave in a loving fashion toward you
02:25 and that is the definition of love for scripture.
02:28 It is a verb, it is an action word.
02:29 It is.
02:31 You know, when you talk about sometimes I don't like you
02:33 but I always love you.
02:34 It makes me think of a friend of mine.
02:36 I went to school with him
02:38 and we went to school together
02:40 back in the academy college years.
02:43 And then several years later
02:44 when is family was coming along,
02:46 I was talking to him after his third child was born.
02:50 And he said, you know, I said, "How is he doing?
02:52 Is he doing well
02:54 or how is it going with your new one?"
02:55 And he was probably about three months old by them.
02:58 And he says, "You know,
03:00 we went straight to like with this one."
03:04 He said, "With child number two
03:06 we had to stay love for a long time."
03:08 We chose to love.
03:10 "We know we love him, we don't like him a whole lot."
03:13 But he says, "This third one, he is so easy going,
03:16 he is happy all the time.
03:17 We went straight to like."
03:19 Straight to like.
03:21 And there is a difference sometimes
03:22 between like and love, you know.
03:24 And that's why you're talking about what the Bible...
03:26 It says, love one another.
03:28 We can love one another and the Bible says,
03:32 I command you to love one another.
03:35 Anyone who's raised kids, you don't always like them.
03:38 They go through that middle school age,
03:40 the 12, 13-year-old and you swear that aliens came in
03:43 and abducted the child you love so much
03:45 or replaced them with an evil monster
03:48 that's about ready to destroy the plant
03:49 and you are with it, you know?
03:51 And you don't really like this kid
03:53 but you chosen to love.
03:54 I mean, eventually the good kid comes back,
03:56 you know, this nice person
03:58 that you fell in love with earlier.
04:00 But that's why love is a principle.
04:02 Love, we choose to love
04:04 and that gets us through the rough times
04:06 and we don't always like each other.
04:09 And in marriage, we will find those times.
04:11 You know, when your spouse does something
04:13 or there just a distance for some reason
04:17 and you kind of like, I'm not...
04:19 The irritation factor is high at times.
04:21 "I'm not enjoying this, you know.
04:22 I'm not but I still love my spouse."
04:26 I have a friend whose wife
04:29 had to take some anabolic steroids
04:31 for a condition she had.
04:32 And, you know, it helped the condition
04:35 and after a while she was able to get off the steroids,
04:37 but during the time
04:39 while she was taking the steroids,
04:41 she kind of had roid rage, you know?
04:43 The steroid rage.
04:45 Yeah, she was not a nice person to be around
04:46 and he said,
04:48 "I don't like her very much but I still love her."
04:50 And the love saw him through the difficult time
04:52 when until she got off the steroids
04:54 and the nice person he had fallen in love with
04:57 all along came back.
04:59 And so he liked her again then.
05:01 But love is a choice. It's a decision we make.
05:04 And we have to be reminded that
05:07 this like everything else in our marriage
05:09 is going to be up and down.
05:10 There are gonna be cycles.
05:12 We have times when we feel a tremendous closeness
05:15 and other times when we don't feel close
05:18 and yet that decision to love is always there.
05:21 You listen to the popular songs
05:22 and you think that love is nothing
05:24 more than an emotion.
05:25 You watch television or the movies
05:27 and you think that love is nothing more an emotion.
05:29 You listen to people talk,
05:30 "Well, I just don't feel it anymore."
05:32 I've had couples come to me and say,
05:34 "Well, we don't feel love anymore."
05:36 As though now my...I should pronounce them not married.
05:40 "All right, you don't feel anymore.
05:41 The feeling is, you've lost that lovin' feeling,
05:43 as the song says.
05:45 All right, well, obviously you can't get that back
05:46 you must be done.
05:48 So just color it gone and move on."
05:50 But that's not what I'm gonna say
05:52 because love is not a feeling, it's a choice.
05:54 And the neat thing is that that feeling usually comes back
05:57 as you persist in loving actions and Agape love.
06:02 You know, most Christians are familiar with the fact
06:05 that the Bible talks about different types of love.
06:07 Yes, Phileo and Eros and Agape.
06:10 Yeah, the Phileo love is the brotherly love
06:13 and the Eros is the passionate love.
06:15 And we always thinking we need that Eros,
06:16 we need that passion.
06:18 Yeah. And Eros is nice.
06:19 It is nice but what really sustains us
06:22 is the Agape love.
06:23 And Agape love says it's unconditional.
06:26 It says, I will do or say
06:28 what is in the best interest of the other person.
06:32 That is a good definition for Agape love.
06:35 I may not always like you but I've chosen to do
06:37 or say that which is in your best interest.
06:40 I'm going to behave
06:41 in a loving fashion toward you, that's Agape.
06:44 I chose to treat you with love.
06:48 And I think of the times when Eros is in short supply.
06:50 Yes, that's right.
06:53 You know, sometimes people get married on the basis of Eros.
06:57 But Eros love, the passionate love comes and goes.
07:00 You would refer to them as romantic lovers.
07:04 Yeah, the romance. Yeah.
07:06 And romance is great.
07:07 But actually if romance
07:09 is the basis of the relationship
07:11 in order to move on and to survive.
07:13 Romance is the basis so the relationship has to die.
07:17 It must die.
07:18 So you are now saying that romance dies
07:20 but the...but as a basis.
07:23 And then you move to what we would call a friendship love
07:25 or Agape love which is love is principle,
07:28 love is friendship.
07:29 That's when you become a mature lover.
07:32 Mature lovers know how to use Eros.
07:35 They know how to use romance.
07:36 They are able to turn it on when needed
07:40 but they don't live with a study diet of it.
07:42 A study diet of Eros will kill you,
07:44 especially at my age, you know?
07:48 But Agape love is something I can deal with day in, day out
07:52 and then as mature lovers,
07:55 you learn how to use Eros when needed.
07:57 You learn how to have those romantic interludes.
08:00 And actually the best Eros lovers,
08:03 the best romantic lovers are those who have Agape
08:07 as the foundational principle of the relationship.
08:09 Absolutely. Friendship love.
08:10 If Eros is the foundation,
08:13 if that's all its based on then,
08:16 you know, as bodies change
08:18 or you know, as hair thins or whatever.
08:22 Waistlines expand. Yeah.
08:24 Then you're in trouble
08:25 because you are judging the other person
08:27 while you don't measure up anymore,
08:29 not usually realizing
08:31 that you probably don't measure up either.
08:32 That's right.
08:33 And of course it's not just the body that changes
08:35 and the look,
08:36 but marriage like life has ups and downs.
08:40 There are gonna be hotspots along the road.
08:43 And when you hit those hotspots,
08:44 you don't always feel in love.
08:47 There are times when you wake up in the morning
08:48 and you don't feel it
08:50 because of the difficult times you've been going through
08:52 but you can choose it.
08:54 And when you choose it and behave it,
08:56 then you still have love as the basis of the relationship
08:59 and that sees you through.
09:01 It's good stuff.
09:02 And its very good stuff. Good stuff.
09:04 So how do you get there?
09:05 What did you do?
09:07 How do you get there?
09:08 I think that first of all love is a gift.
09:11 It comes from God.
09:12 God is love.
09:14 He says He is the source of all love.
09:16 He is the fountain of it.
09:18 And so we go to Him, first of all.
09:21 I think we say, "Lord,
09:23 I'm not particularly feeling loving at the moment."
09:26 I lost that lovin' feeling.
09:28 Yeah, but I know that you can help me
09:32 with the principle of love.
09:33 You can help me to have love for this other,
09:35 for this person, for my spouse.
09:38 You help me to act in loving ways
09:41 because as you said earlier,
09:42 love is a verb, love is an action.
09:45 And, you know, the interesting that happens
09:47 is that as we begin to act in loving ways,
09:51 our feelings follow our actions.
09:53 Yes, they do.
09:54 You know, our actions tend to follow our feelings.
09:55 "I don't feel like doing this."
09:57 I feel it some ways so I do something.
09:59 But the reverse is also true.
10:01 As we persist in doing right,
10:03 as we persist in loving actions,
10:06 then our feelings tend to follow that.
10:08 And we will find that, you know, as we said earlier,
10:11 beings to cycle around.
10:12 And pretty soon you are able to step back and say,
10:15 "You know, the thing that I love about them
10:16 is still there."
10:17 Yeah. I haven't lost that.
10:19 That is wonderfully good news for anyone who struggles.
10:21 Now we've got another motto that we would like to share
10:25 and that is that, "Expectations
10:27 are premeditated disappointments."
10:30 Now someone shared this with you at a seminar, right?
10:32 You know, we do that marriage seminars
10:34 and when we do marriage seminars,
10:36 we have all kinds of principles that we teach.
10:38 One day a woman came up to me, she says,
10:42 "You know, I just listened
10:44 to your presentation on expectations."
10:46 And we about an hours worth of it.
10:48 So we talk for an hour about our needs
10:50 and our emotional expectations
10:52 and she walked up and she said,
10:54 "You know, don't you, that expectations
10:56 are premeditated disappointments?"
10:58 And I said, "Oh, is that right!"
11:01 And then she began to explain why.
11:03 She said that she had a friend
11:05 and her friend's name is Mary Jo.
11:07 She wanted us to be sure and use that name.
11:08 We give Mary Jo credit for this one.
11:09 That's right.
11:11 She said, "My friend
11:12 began to discover this in her marriage."
11:14 She said, "You know, if I sit back
11:17 and I'm expecting my husband to do this.
11:19 I'm expecting my husband to make me happy.
11:21 I'm expecting my husband to do the things I want him to do
11:25 without, you know, just to know, you know.
11:28 If I'm expecting
11:29 that he will provide for me in a certain way.
11:32 I'm expecting that he will do A, B, and C
11:34 the way I want him to do it,
11:36 I'm just simply premeditating my own disappointments.
11:39 I'm sitting there saying,
11:41 "Oh, I want this to happen
11:42 but he may or may not even be aware.
11:45 And even if he is aware,
11:47 he may not know exactly how to do it
11:49 or may not want to.
11:51 May not want to.
11:52 Yeah, so instead of expecting something,
11:57 maybe we need to learn more communication.
11:59 But, you know, Mary Jo,
12:02 she discovered that she save herself a lot of anguish
12:05 when she stopped expecting
12:07 the things that aren't going to happened.
12:10 I think that it's fine to have needs
12:12 and to recognize that we have needs
12:14 and desires and wishes.
12:16 And then to communicate those wishes and those desires.
12:18 I have had people sit in the counseling office
12:22 and they will say, "Well, he never does this for me."
12:24 Well, did you ever tell him you wanted that?
12:26 "He should just know."
12:28 What do you mean he should just know?
12:31 How is he supposed to know this?
12:33 He is a guy, he didn't know.
12:35 This is the difference between estrogen and testosterone,
12:38 he doesn't know.
12:40 And usually he is quite clueless.
12:42 Testosterone seems to be the,
12:45 a block for...
12:47 The inhibitor.
12:48 It inhibits his intuition
12:50 regarding your expectations and your needs.
12:54 So communicate that with him.
12:56 Once you tell him this is what I expect,
12:58 this is what I need, this would be very nice,
13:01 then he has a different level of responsibility
13:03 and then expectations can be something other
13:05 than a premeditated disappointment.
13:09 We're gonna pause on that now.
13:10 All right. All right.
13:12 We will be right back with more after this.