Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000081A
00:18 Welcome to "Marriage in God's Hands."
00:21 I'm Mike Tucker. This is Gayle Tucker.
00:23 We're from Faith for Today Television,
00:24 the oldest religious television broadcast in the world.
00:28 We're the host of Lifestyle Magazine
00:30 and Mad About Marriage.
00:31 You can find us on the web at lifestyle.org
00:35 or madaboutmarriage.com
00:36 or you can follow us on Facebook,
00:38 Twitter, Google Plus, you name it.
00:40 And we're talking about mottos for marriage.
00:43 On our Facebook page,
00:45 we ask couples about their motto, right?
00:46 We did.
00:48 We went to our Facebook friends and we ask them
00:50 what is it that makes marriage work for you.
00:52 And they gave us a lot of insight actually,
00:55 and we found out
00:56 that the insights that they have discover
00:58 are backed up by scientific research,
01:01 the statistics back them up
01:03 and God's word backs them up.
01:05 So, we think it's worth looking at
01:06 some of the mottos from marriage
01:08 that came from our Facebook friends.
01:10 And those mottos we found fall in three distinct categories.
01:14 First category we call choose. That's what we're on now.
01:17 Yes, that means we have to make a choice.
01:20 We have to make a choice to be together.
01:21 We have to make a choice to make it the best it can be.
01:24 Second category was connect. And the last is to communicate.
01:28 Communicate, all right.
01:29 So, we're talking about choices
01:31 and we got a really interesting motto
01:34 that only had two words.
01:35 It's very basic, they use their last name
01:38 and last name happen to be Garvin,
01:40 and so their motto was team Garvin.
01:44 Team Garvin. I like that.
01:45 That's a good motto, isn't it?
01:47 They just reminded themselves over and over
01:49 when things, when something would come up
01:51 that was difficult for them, hey, Team Garvin,
01:54 or something that they were at odds with each other,
01:57 Team Garvin,
01:59 or we got something difficult to face, Team Garvin.
02:02 So, for us Team Tucker, all right?
02:04 That's right. Team Tucker.
02:05 What that does for me is it reminds me
02:07 that you are not the enemy.
02:10 You are on my side, are you not?
02:12 Well, often we think our spouse is the enemy
02:14 because after all they're supposed to please me,
02:17 they're supposed to make me happy.
02:19 They don't think the way I think.
02:21 I had difficultly communicating with them,
02:23 they must be the enemy, but no, we're team.
02:26 Well, couples are at odds with one another
02:28 and they kind of clash, but that is not God's plan
02:30 and that's not how it has to be.
02:32 And a part of it is just remembering
02:34 that we're on the same side.
02:35 Now, I'm a fan of sports as you may happen to know.
02:37 I've noticed that.
02:39 You've noticed that, have you not?
02:40 And I have also noticed that if you're following a team
02:43 and you're wanting them to do well
02:45 and they're having some hard times
02:46 and they start sniping at each other,
02:49 they start blaming each other,
02:51 bank on it, the team's going down.
02:53 That's right.
02:54 They're not gonna have the winning season.
02:55 That's right, the team sport, you got to be together
02:57 and support one another.
02:59 Your teammate has got to have your back,
03:00 but when you see a real team leader,
03:02 say as a quarterback in the NFL and they've lost
03:05 and he accepts the blame himself
03:07 rather than blaming the offensive line
03:09 or the receiver who just dropped the ball
03:11 or the running back who couldn't find
03:13 the hole in the offensive line.
03:15 When he blame them self
03:16 and not the defense or the coach,
03:18 then you understand,
03:19 he understands the issue of team.
03:21 We are team.
03:22 And everybody on his team who made a mistake
03:24 looks at that leader as says, 'Yeah, he's got my back,
03:27 because he is not outing me, I blew the coverage,
03:30 I blew this responsibility but he's got my back."
03:33 Why wouldn't that work in a marriage as well?
03:36 It would, you know, we win or lose as a team,
03:39 that's what God had in mind in Genesis 2
03:41 when He talked about cleaving to one another
03:44 and being one flesh.
03:47 What better definition of a team.
03:48 You know, we are together, we are a team.
03:52 You know, sometimes we get caught up
03:54 in this thing of I have to be right.
03:57 You know, and if I just agree with you
04:00 or if I'm, if I'm too close to being on your team,
04:04 then I might not be right all the time,
04:06 but in a team we don't have to be right
04:08 just like the quarterback
04:09 that doesn't have to be the one that says I played a good game.
04:12 Yeah. No, we don't have to be right.
04:15 It's more important to be loving than to be right.
04:18 And I think, you know, that could be another motto.
04:21 It's more important to be loving than to be right.
04:24 I'm going to connect with you better.
04:26 I'm going to feel an intimacy between us better,
04:31 if I'm focusing on loving you
04:34 and not being better than you or being right.
04:37 We in counseling, and you know
04:38 we both have done a lot of marriage counseling
04:40 over the years.
04:42 Very often you run across someone
04:43 who wants to make sure that their spouse
04:46 and everyone else knows I was right.
04:49 And they keep pounding away at this issue
04:51 to demonstrate that they were right
04:53 when they're missing an opportunity to be loving
04:55 which would actually bring you closer together.
04:57 I've never seen anyone brought closer together
04:59 as a result of someone proving that they were right.
05:03 You know, I had a family member, an aunt,
05:07 and this aunt was an expert
05:10 at letting you know that she was right.
05:12 I know your, the aunt, she is no longer alive,
05:16 but I remember her well.
05:18 And we always kind of smile because she had to be right.
05:22 And not only did she have to be right--
05:24 First of all, preceding that was,
05:27 she always knew everything. Yes.
05:29 So, you know everything and then you have to be right,
05:33 and the third portion of that
05:34 is you have let everybody know you're right.
05:37 And so, she did that frequently,
05:39 she watched for ways to say,
05:42 you know, I told you or like I said...
05:45 Like I said.
05:46 Like I said, that was probably her favorite phrase.
05:47 I heard that phrase from her lips
05:49 I don't know how many time, like I said.
05:51 Like I said. Like I said, I was right.
05:53 I have told you before.
05:54 And, you know, because of that,
05:56 it didn't create a naturally loving atmosphere with her.
06:00 You had to make a decision to love her.
06:03 Yeah, you had to decide to love this woman.
06:04 You did, because it was difficult,
06:06 because she was always making sure
06:09 that you knew that she was just a little bit above you.
06:11 Now, and that came from her feeling
06:13 that maybe she wasn't, you know.
06:16 And I always have to step back and look at that
06:18 and say, you know, I love her,
06:20 because she doesn't feel good about herself.
06:23 She needs to know that she is loved.
06:25 So maybe, if I affirm her,
06:27 my affirmation of her would actually help her.
06:29 You could either lock horns and fight over who is right.
06:32 Or you could let her be right
06:34 and act in a loving way toward her.
06:36 But it's a naturally loving thing,
06:38 it's a more prickly thing when you have to be right.
06:41 And people around you don't really appreciate.
06:43 Well, when I'm insisting upon my being right
06:47 in all of our relationship, in our decision,
06:49 that also imply something else.
06:51 It implies that you were wrong.
06:55 And that means that I'm a step above you,
06:57 I'm elevated because I was right,
06:59 you were wrong. I knew better than you.
07:01 I have more information than you.
07:02 I'm more of the expert than you.
07:04 I have my stuff together and you do not.
07:07 It puts me on a superior position over you
07:10 and I'm always demonstrating that I'm right.
07:12 You can do this by just, you know, pointing to evidence,
07:14 you can do it by pointing to the Bible
07:16 or other religious writings and demonstrate I was right.
07:19 And if you would only do what I told you to do,
07:22 you could be right too.
07:23 Well, what if all of that is absolutely true though.
07:26 What if you were absolutely right
07:28 about whatever point it was you were making.
07:31 And you made it very clear to me
07:33 that you were absolutely right.
07:34 What did that do for our relationship?
07:36 Do you love me more? Not really.
07:38 No, you don't, do you?
07:39 Did that help or what if I have to be,
07:42 you know, I was absolutely right about something,
07:44 but I've to let you know.
07:46 Are you going to feel suddenly closer to me?
07:48 I'm not gonna feel safe with you.
07:50 That's right.
07:51 I'm not gonna feel safe with you.
07:52 So the question is, what have we gained
07:55 if we have to be right.
07:56 It's more important to be loving.
07:58 It's more important to be a team.
08:00 You know what? Maybe together, we made a mistake.
08:03 Maybe next time, we'll get it right.
08:05 Yeah, and it's the old team, the old coach said
08:08 there is no 'I' in team and if I have to be right,
08:11 then I've inserted 'I' into the team
08:13 and I thusly destroy the whole team, haven't I?
08:16 Yeah. All right.
08:19 You know, I think the other thing that happens
08:21 when we have to be right
08:23 is that we're forgetting our responsibility.
08:25 If I have to be right and let you know that I am,
08:29 then I'm forgetting that my responsibility to you
08:32 is to love and cherish you.
08:35 So, I've kind of set that aside in order to put myself up
08:38 on a pedestal in my responsibility,
08:41 my vow said that I would love you
08:43 and cherish you forever.
08:45 So that's really my responsibility.
08:47 And, you know, this is really something I see often
08:50 in conservative Christianity that is truth based.
08:55 Now, we want to believe truth.
08:57 We want biblical truth, we want sound doctrine.
08:59 But when you focus that hard on it,
09:01 then it's important that you'd be right about doctrine
09:03 and not wrong about doctrine.
09:05 And when that carries over into the relationship,
09:08 then we become more interested in being right
09:10 than we do loving
09:12 and that does not meet, serve a marriage well.
09:15 It does not make it a safe loving place.
09:18 It's better to be loving than to be right.
09:21 And basically what we're talking about
09:23 is mutual submission to one another,
09:25 preferring one another in love.
09:28 I think the beauty of this
09:30 is that when we realize we're a team,
09:33 then we get to share everything together.
09:36 You know, we may share our failures,
09:39 but we also share our successes.
09:42 We share our triumphs.
09:44 We share the sorrows and we share the joys.
09:47 We get every part of the experience
09:50 when we realize we're a team,
09:52 everything that we'll do is together.
09:54 That's the one flesh experience that Paul wrote about,
09:57 that was written about in Genesis by Moses
10:00 about becoming one flesh.
10:02 That means that when you have a victory,
10:04 I have a victory.
10:05 But when you have a sorrow, I have a sorrow.
10:08 When you have a pain or a loss, I have a pain or a loss
10:11 because we're one flesh.
10:12 That's a team, we win together, we lose together,
10:16 we suffer together, we triumph together.
10:18 Yeah, and when you have a challenge
10:20 something that's difficult to face.
10:22 Yes. You do. I have that challenge too.
10:24 Nothing affects you that doesn't affect me,
10:26 we're a team.
10:27 And when we are looking at the path of life
10:30 that we have to travel,
10:31 it's not always going to be easy.
10:33 No, it's not.
10:34 So, I want to know that you are there.
10:36 I want to know that there is a partner.
10:37 This comes to our attitude. That's right.
10:39 Now, I want to start with a second motto
10:42 that we received on this program,
10:44 we're gonna take a break before we finish this motto.
10:47 But this is a good motto.
10:48 It says it's a partnership, we're in it together.
10:52 It's a partnership, we're in it together.
10:55 Now, every successful business has kind of a vision,
10:59 a focus, a motto for their business
11:04 and they know where they're going.
11:05 It sets the direction to course of action.
11:08 There is one car company that their motto
11:12 is that we make the ultimate driving machine.
11:17 So, they're not in the business to sell cars,
11:19 they're not in the business
11:21 to have a slick advertising campaign.
11:24 They're in the business to make the best machine.
11:28 And if indeed we're partnership,
11:29 a part of the partnership is to know where we're going,
11:32 what we're doing, what are our ultimate goals.
11:35 Any successful business will know where you're going.
11:38 Any successful marriage will have a plan,
11:41 will have a business plan so to speak
11:43 and will have ultimate goals.
11:44 This is where we're headed, so where are we going?
11:47 So can we literally make a plan for our marriage?
11:51 Well, I think that's a good question
11:53 and there's a question we need to answer inn detail
11:55 when we come back, but the truth is,
11:57 yes, we can have a plan, we need to have a plan.
12:01 Some of that plan is going to be established for us
12:03 by scripture.
12:05 So of it will have to do with our personal goals
12:08 and our personal attitudes regarding relationship
12:12 and what we want to accomplish in our lives.
12:14 You and I had plans. Oh, absolutely.
12:16 More than just one in order to as a part of our goal.
12:19 And number one is to promote the gospel
12:22 and to serve Jesus.
12:23 Absolutely. And doing so to serve others.
12:25 And we've done that together as pastors
12:27 in pastoral ministry, both of us.
12:29 We've shared pastoral responsibilities in churches,
12:31 we do that now with the television ministry
12:34 and outside of work related issues,
12:37 that's a goal of our life
12:38 is to share Jesus Christ in him crucified.
12:40 That's right.
12:42 And then, another goal of ours
12:43 has been to raise our daughters,
12:44 we have two daughters.
12:46 To raise them to know and to love Jesus,
12:49 to be a part of society that contributes
12:51 and makes a contribution to human beings,
12:55 you know, to make things better,
12:57 to make the world better,
12:58 that they're productive citizens.
13:01 You have to make that as a priority.
13:04 Yeah. You know, what are we creating?
13:05 We're creating the ultimate lover of Jesus, you know.
13:08 A lover of Jesus machine, yeah, that is right.
13:11 Well, again, we need to talk about that.
13:13 I also had another goal
13:14 and that was that my daughters would not be in therapy over me
13:17 but that, with that,
13:18 but we can talk about that later when we come back.
13:20 Were gonna take a break.
13:21 We'll be right back right after this.