Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000080A
00:19 Welcome to Marriage in God's hand.
00:21 We are Mike and Gayle Tucker
00:23 from Faith for Today television,
00:24 the oldest religious television broadcast in the world
00:27 having begun broadcasting in May of 1950.
00:31 That's been a while, hasn't it? It's been quite a while.
00:33 Our flagship programs which we co-host
00:36 are Lifestyle Magazine and Mad about Marriage.
00:39 Mad about Marriage is a segment of Lifestyle Magazine.
00:42 And basically, when we do Mad about Marriage,
00:44 we're asking the question, are you madly in love
00:47 or you're just plain mad?
00:49 And we find that people go back and forth.
00:51 You know, sometimes
00:52 they're madly in love in the morning,
00:53 but by the afternoon
00:55 they want to strangle each other.
00:56 It's kind of common for all of us, isn't?
00:57 It is common for all of us.
00:59 You know, in association
01:00 with Mad about Marriage and Lifestyle Magazine,
01:03 we have Facebook pages,
01:04 we have a blog for Mad about Marriage,
01:07 we have Twitter accounts, all those kinds of things.
01:10 And on our Facebook account,
01:12 we asked if people would help us,
01:15 share with us how they've made their marriage a success.
01:18 We asked if they had a motto for their marriage,
01:20 they're kind of a guiding principle
01:22 that something and oft-repeated phrase
01:24 that would help them get through marriage
01:27 and make their marriages success.
01:29 Well, it's interesting that people have discovered things
01:31 sometimes by trial and error.
01:34 Sometimes, they have just gain wisdom from the scriptures,
01:37 but they have found ways
01:39 to help their marriages be successful.
01:41 And we were very interested
01:43 in all the responses that we got
01:44 because people just responded so quickly.
01:47 "Oh, we do this, here's ours."
01:49 And so, we thought it would be fun
01:51 to share some of those mottos with you.
01:54 And that's what we're gonna do in these programs.
01:55 If you want to know how to make marriage work,
01:57 you look at successful couples.
02:00 And you learn what they've learned.
02:01 And, you know, sometimes a couple will have something
02:04 that doesn't really fit your life
02:06 but the next couple will.
02:07 They'll have something that really fits you.
02:09 And we have found also that there's good research
02:11 behind these mottos, those that are really working.
02:14 There's a research as to why this works.
02:16 Yeah, yeah and that's why
02:18 this is valuable to take a look at these
02:19 because, as you see
02:21 that they are doing a certain thing you realize
02:24 that yes, the statistics back that up.
02:27 Right. This is true.
02:28 The scripture backs it up,
02:30 and however they have come to it,
02:32 they have hit on something
02:33 that's really important and good.
02:35 Now, we found as these mottos came in
02:37 that they really fell in three categories.
02:39 What were those categories?
02:41 Well, the first category was Choice.
02:42 We call it choose.
02:43 I can choose to be in this marriage
02:46 and to make it successful.
02:47 So it's true, it's every day choices
02:49 that will make our marriages work.
02:51 And the second category was to Connect.
02:54 If we don't feel connected to one another,
02:56 we're not going to have the closeness, the intimacy
02:58 we're not going to have the success
02:59 that we would otherwise.
03:01 So, many people have found
03:02 that connecting is the way that they stay close.
03:04 And that's backed up by the research
03:06 by Steven Stosny and Patricia Love.
03:09 Those psychologists really have done a lot of work
03:11 in the area of connection.
03:13 That's right, and the third is Communicate.
03:15 Communication is key
03:16 and I think we probably all discovered that
03:18 because we've made our blunders
03:20 with communicating with one another.
03:22 But communication is key,
03:23 so they fell in the categories
03:25 of Choose, Connect and Communicate.
03:28 We're going to deal today and the next couple of days
03:30 with a couple of programs with choose.
03:33 And the first one
03:34 we would like to share is entitled.
03:36 Basically, the motto is, "From this day forward,
03:39 I will stay with you 85 years."
03:42 This came from a friend of ours named Susan.
03:44 Susan, yeah.
03:46 Susan said, "From this day forward.
03:48 I'm going to stay with you 85 years",
03:49 and then she added as a little subtitle.
03:53 "I still owe you 85." That's right.
03:54 We make this new pronouncement every morning
03:57 as what she says.
03:59 And then so, every day the 85 years starts again.
04:02 I think that is probably
04:04 some of the most profound advice.
04:06 Because it says, all right it's going to be forever.
04:10 It's really going to be forever.
04:11 So, if we counted 85 years from where we are today.
04:15 Yeah, we're taping this in 2015.
04:17 So, 85 I owe you until the year 2100.
04:21 I'll take that. All right.
04:23 Yeah, I think if you'll stay with me till 2100, we're good.
04:26 Yeah. Yeah.
04:28 And that's basically what they're saying.
04:30 It's exactly what they're saying.
04:31 If you'll stay with me from today 85 years
04:34 and tomorrow 85 years,
04:36 we're making a commitment
04:37 that this is going to be forever.
04:39 What does in this message,
04:40 I'm not, I'm not cutting and running.
04:42 You know, we're going to find
04:43 difficult times in this marriage.
04:45 Every marriage does, doesn't it?
04:46 Every marriage runs across those difficult times
04:49 but we are together.
04:50 We're going to make this thing work.
04:52 And you know what, your children
04:53 really find their greatest sense of security
04:55 knowing that mom and dad are an idem.
04:58 They do.
04:59 You know I think we can create that in our families.
05:02 When we speak well of one another,
05:05 when we speak in front of the children,
05:07 the solidarity that we have together.
05:12 You know, my dad was really great at that.
05:14 And I remember sitting at the dining room table.
05:17 You know, we always had dinner together in the evening
05:19 and he sat on one end,
05:21 and I would sat right there compare to him.
05:23 And I can picture him talking about mom
05:26 and saying, "You know, you kids
05:29 have the greatest mother in the world.
05:31 You're so blessed and God has put us together.
05:34 And because God has put us together,
05:36 we're going to be together forever."
05:37 You know, and he talked often
05:39 about how God had chosen each one in the family
05:41 and He had put us all together.
05:43 And by doing that,
05:44 He was creating a forever scenario for us.
05:48 So, I think those words that we,
05:50 that we give of affirmation and of the direction
05:53 make a big difference for our children.
05:56 So, you know, together today till 85 years from now.
05:59 That's right, and again children do their best
06:01 when they understand that mom and dad are together,
06:03 this is gonna last.
06:05 That's right.
06:06 We also added a motto to this whole list of mottos
06:10 that we've collected.
06:12 And it's one that you and I've come up with.
06:14 And we found it by trial and error.
06:16 By trial and error, yes, we did.
06:18 In fact, there's a story that goes with this motto,
06:20 so let me tell the story to you right now.
06:23 Early in our marriage,
06:24 Gayle did something which hurt me.
06:26 And I told her about it and she apologized.
06:31 Problem is I told her about it again
06:33 and she apologized again.
06:34 And then I told her about it a third time,
06:36 about the fourth time through this scenario.
06:38 She looked at me and said, "You act as though,
06:41 I did this on purpose to hurt you."
06:44 Now, you have to stop the story right here,
06:46 and understand that the reason
06:48 that was a significant statement to me is that.
06:50 Gayle and I grew up in very different homes.
06:52 If you're old enough to remember the old 50 sitcom
06:55 Father Knows Best, the idyllic American home
06:58 where the father was the fountain of all wisdom
06:59 and the three children and the mom adored him.
07:01 And he solved all the problems at 30 minutes or less
07:03 because that's how long the show was.
07:05 That's where she grew up. That was her home.
07:07 Only her home was better than Father Knows Best
07:09 because they had God there.
07:11 That was the kind of home she lived in.
07:13 I on the other hand
07:14 grew up in a very different American sitcom.
07:16 I grew up in the Simpson's.
07:18 We put the fun back in dysfunctional.
07:20 And in my home of origin, someone really would have done
07:23 what she did just to hurt me.
07:25 So, when Gayle said, "You act as though
07:27 I did this on purpose just to hurt you."
07:28 My response was, "Hello.
07:30 Yes, of course."
07:32 Then she said something which was so significant to me,
07:35 that we have made this the motto
07:36 for our marriage.
07:38 And this has been kind of the guiding principle.
07:40 She looked at me and she said,
07:41 "I will never intentionally hurt you.
07:46 Brand new thought for me.
07:48 She continued by saying.
07:49 You know, there are times when I'll go brain dead
07:51 or I'll forget or I won't be aware
07:52 that something hurts you,
07:53 but if I've done something to hurt you.
07:55 You can bank on this, it was not intentional."
07:58 Now, as of this taping, we've been married.
08:01 I'm sorry but, I'm going to tell
08:03 39 and a half years.
08:05 She was 12, when I married her. That is correct.
08:07 That's my story, I'm staying with her.
08:08 Me too.
08:10 Thirty nine and a half years,
08:11 in the thirty nine and a half years,
08:12 I don't think you've ever once hurt me on purpose.
08:14 Well, you know, I hope I haven't,
08:16 because that has been my goal
08:17 is to not hurt you intentionally.
08:20 Because why would I hurt someone that I love.
08:22 Why would I hurt someone that's a treasure to me?
08:24 Why would I hurt the person
08:25 that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
08:27 And especially in an intentional way,
08:29 why would I--? Why would it be premeditated?
08:32 The truth is that we all hurt each other.
08:35 You were going to hurt each other by mistake
08:37 or we just go brain dead as we mentioned you know,
08:39 we just forget or we're just not aware.
08:42 But whenever that happens now,
08:43 because we've got this commitment to each other,
08:45 we've chosen not to hurt each other on purpose.
08:48 When it happens, I can just simply stop and say
08:50 all right, if that didn't feel right,
08:52 either she's just unaware that she's hurting me,
08:55 or I'm misinterpreting what she's doing.
08:57 And I can go back to you then ask a question,
08:59 I would simply say, this didn't feel right
09:01 what this felt like was.
09:03 And then you can either correct me
09:05 or you can apologize.
09:06 And basically that's been the pattern of our life since.
09:09 Well, that foundational principle
09:11 just makes it safe doesn't it? It does.
09:13 The foundational principle that says,
09:15 "I'm never going to consider a hurt,
09:17 and then actually follow through with it."
09:19 Because, you know, all of us,
09:21 if we've been together any length of time,
09:23 we know that there are those certain things that we can say.
09:25 You know, the buttons that we can push
09:27 that it just really going to get to the other person.
09:29 And maybe they'll win our argument for us,
09:32 or we think they will.
09:33 But actually what they are is just hurt.
09:36 And when we have that opportunity,
09:39 sometimes even it seems innocent.
09:41 We can say the thing,
09:42 that we know will have a barb in it.
09:46 But it seems innocent enough that we can say,
09:48 "Oh, no honey that's not what I meant,
09:50 we have what you might call plausible deniability."
09:54 You know, "No, I didn't mean that",
09:56 but you know in your heart, that's exactly what you meant.
09:59 And those are the times
10:01 when that opportunity presents itself,
10:03 and it would be so easy.
10:04 That we're going to say no.
10:06 By God's grace, I'm not going there
10:07 because that would be
10:09 intentionally hurting the person
10:11 who is flesh of my flesh.
10:13 Why would I do that?
10:15 And as we talked earlier in the first program,
10:18 we read where we are one flesh
10:20 and so why would you hurt your own body.
10:23 You know, no one hurts his own body.
10:25 And if you are my body, and I'm your body,
10:27 then why would we intentionally cause each other pain,
10:30 because that is to hurt myself.
10:32 And again, that is a psychological disorder,
10:34 to engage in self harm.
10:36 Absolutely. And it needs treatment.
10:38 And so, we don't want to engage in self harm,
10:41 by harming one another
10:42 because that's a disorder that requires treatment.
10:44 You know, this goes against what we hear and see
10:48 in the media or were taught in society.
10:51 We're taught that if we can say the cutest thing,
10:54 or we can say the thing with sarcasm in it.
10:59 The thing that gets a laugh,
11:01 or we can make the parting shot.
11:02 You know, as we exit the room, we can say something
11:05 that's going to really, well, I told them.
11:08 I got my point made, that makes us smart
11:12 or put us above the other person.
11:14 Puts them in their place of that sort of things.
11:16 Put them in place.
11:17 Yeah, in reality,
11:19 we are simply injuring ourselves,
11:21 we're injuring the person that we love the most.
11:23 I remember teaching a couple how to fight fairly,
11:25 where they don't do that to each other,
11:26 they don't hurt each other, and her response was,
11:29 "So, when do I get to tell him off."
11:31 The answer is, "Never."
11:33 Never, this is not going to make
11:35 for a happy relationship.
11:36 And in hurting him, you're hurting yourself.
11:38 So, we don't ever get to that point
11:40 of telling each other off,
11:41 instead we're going to find a way
11:43 to solve things amicably.
11:44 And when I do cause you pain, you can assume.
11:47 Oh, this was not intentional
11:49 because Mike would not hurt me on purpose.
11:50 He wouldn't hurt himself on purpose.
11:52 So, I know for sure,
11:53 he's not going to hurt me on purpose.
11:55 And because of that,
11:56 we are able to share more deeply
11:58 with the other person.
12:00 We are safer with the other person
12:01 because we know that
12:02 they have our best interest at heart.
12:04 They are not going
12:06 to intentionally hurt us in any way.
12:08 But, you know, in order to make that happen,
12:09 I've got to make a commitment.
12:11 That's right.
12:12 I've got to make a commitment,
12:13 that I'm not going to intentionally hurt you.
12:15 When I've got that opportunity to say something,
12:16 I'm not going to say it.
12:18 I'm just going to stop, think again,
12:20 and either not say anything at all,
12:22 or else change it so, that
12:23 what I say does not cause you pain.
12:26 That's right, doesn't mean we don't deal with issues.
12:28 That means that we don't inflict intentional pain.
12:31 And again in counseling, I've had to stop couples.
12:33 I mean who are just giving that one liner to each other,
12:36 just nailing each other back and forth.
12:38 And stop them repeatedly saying,
12:40 "Why would you do this to each other?
12:42 Why would you hurt each other this way?
12:44 You're not benefiting your marriage at all."
12:46 And again, another thing that we can underscore is
12:49 sarcasm never helps a marriage.
12:52 You can write that down and underlined it twice.
12:54 Sarcasm is not helpful.
12:55 It is not helpful at all.
12:57 So again, with our motto,
12:59 I would never intentionally hurt you,
13:01 we make the marriage safe for each other.
13:03 We make the marriage safe for relationship.
13:06 And on that note, we're going to take a break.
13:07 We'll be right back right after this.