Participants: Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000079A
00:20 Hello and welcome to "Marriage in God's Hands."
00:23 I'm Mike Tucker, joined by Gayle Tucker.
00:25 We're the host of Lifestyle Magazine
00:27 and Mad about Marriage.
00:29 The flagship programs of Faith for Today television,
00:32 the oldest religious television broadcast in the world,
00:34 and we are delighted to be here with you today.
00:37 One of the things that we do is have Lifestyle Magazine,
00:41 which is our flagship show as you said.
00:44 And when we have Lifestyle Magazine,
00:45 when we tape that, we bring guest on
00:47 who talk about all kinds of things about life.
00:50 They help us to understand relationships, and finances,
00:54 and all the health issues, all of the things that we have
00:58 and we just talk about life in general.
01:00 But apart of that is Mad about Marriage.
01:03 And Mad about Marriage
01:05 is our segment of Lifestyle Magazine
01:07 where we discuss marriage issues.
01:09 And we begin to ask the question, you know,
01:11 lifestyle life in America is bad for married couples
01:15 most of the time.
01:16 And so we began to ask the question,
01:18 what can we do to help with that?
01:20 And we asked,
01:21 are you madly in love or just plain mad?
01:23 And that's how we came up with Mad about Marriage.
01:26 That's right
01:27 And so, we share principles there on that program
01:29 and we're going to share some of those principles
01:30 with you here today.
01:32 We thought we would start
01:33 first of all by examining God's word.
01:35 What God has to say about marriage and go from there.
01:37 So, we're gonna look at scriptural foundations
01:40 of the marriage today.
01:41 Let's take a look first of all at Genesis Chapter 2.
01:44 And as we're looking at that, you've got a story.
01:45 Well, you know. Recently we took a trip to Australia.
01:50 But we live in a condo in Dallas, Texas.
01:54 And we've not lived in a condo situation,
01:56 usually we've lived in the suburbs
01:58 or something where we had a yard.
02:00 Now, we live in a condo
02:01 and there are 40 units in our building.
02:05 And so, we're kind of getting used to that idea
02:07 of living so close to people.
02:08 And recently when we were getting ready
02:10 to go to Australia,
02:12 we went down to our parking garage
02:13 which is underground.
02:15 And as we were down there, our neighbor came by
02:18 and he was getting ready to go somewhere too,
02:19 and he says, "Oh, where are you going,
02:21 it looks like you're all packed up."
02:22 And we said, "Oh, we're headed to Australia, New Zealand."
02:25 "Oh, that would be wonderful, he said I love to go there."
02:29 And we said, "Well, actually we're going for work,
02:31 we're going to sneak a few days for fun.
02:33 But mostly we're going for work."
02:34 "Oh! Well, what do you do?"
02:36 "Well, we do marriage seminars."
02:39 And he looked at us and he said,
02:40 "You know, I've not seen very good examples of marriage
02:44 among my friends,
02:45 and if it's all like that, I'm not going to do it."
02:49 He says, "I think that's why I've never got married
02:51 because it just seems like, it's a free for all."
02:54 And so, that was his take on this thing
02:57 and you know when we talk to him,
02:58 we began to discover that he's not the only one.
03:02 He is not the only one who feels that way,
03:04 so many people feel like
03:05 marriage is just simply a free for all.
03:07 What do you do?
03:09 How are you supposed to be married
03:10 and how are you supposed to have intimacy?
03:12 People on the outside looking in at marriage
03:14 feel like it's free for all.
03:15 People on the inside sometimes looking out
03:18 feel like it's free for all.
03:19 And I think it's because
03:20 we have failed to follow some basic principles.
03:23 Principles that we find in God's word
03:24 and now the research actually backs up
03:26 the principles of God's word.
03:28 So, we don't, you know, we can look at God's word,
03:30 we can look at the research, it all says the same thing.
03:33 There are certain things we could do
03:34 in order to make our marriages better
03:36 and to make marriage really work.
03:38 Well, God knew what He was doing
03:39 is basically what you're saying.
03:41 Because when we look in Genesis 2,
03:42 we find out what His plan was.
03:45 What He had in mind to begin with.
03:46 Let's take a look at Genesis 2:24 says,
03:49 "For this reason a man should leave his father and his mother
03:52 and be joined to his wife."
03:54 Some translation say cleave to his wife.
03:56 "And they shall become one flesh."
03:59 This idea of leaving father and mother,
04:04 being joined to your spouse and becoming one flesh.
04:09 Those are the three principles here.
04:10 Three things, so leave,
04:12 be joined or cleave, and be one.
04:15 Be one.
04:17 First of all why do we leave?
04:18 Yeah, well, you know
04:20 as the parent of adult children now,
04:22 I'm glad they did.
04:24 They're supposed to leave. They're supposed to leave.
04:26 And I think you leave
04:28 in order to start something new.
04:29 Otherwise there's a danger of being just swallowed up
04:33 with the family of origin
04:34 because, you know, you and I had years
04:37 to establish our home.
04:38 And we had principles,
04:40 and we had traditions that were part of who we are.
04:43 And now the kids though need their own separate identity
04:46 as a couple to leave, isn't it a important thing.
04:49 I heard one guy advice newly married couples
04:52 to live at least 600 miles away
04:53 from the nearest living relative
04:55 for at least the first few years.
04:57 And there's actually something to that.
04:59 Because it helps them to establish the fact
05:01 that they are a family on their own,
05:03 and it helps them to cleave to each other
05:05 when the tough times come.
05:07 There's not somebody else to run to
05:09 and it doesn't mean you forget your parents.
05:11 It means that you make sure
05:13 that you establish a home that's yours.
05:15 There has to be a separate identity,
05:17 a kind of a corporate identity if you will.
05:20 This is who we are, this is what we do.
05:22 And so leaving I think is important
05:24 but that second word cleave or to be joined.
05:26 What does it mean to you?
05:28 Well, you know, we looked it up
05:29 and some of the meanings of the word
05:31 in the original language
05:32 are things like this, to cling, to stick.
05:37 To hold, to cleave
05:40 and I love this one, to follow hard.
05:42 Oh, wow. To follow hard.
05:44 If you're going to follow hard after your spouse,
05:47 that means you're going to say,
05:49 "We're together, no matter what."
05:51 It makes me think of something that David Ring said.
05:54 And David Ring is motivational speaker,
05:57 he's a wonderful Christian man,
05:59 who has cerebral palsy.
06:01 And so, he talks about his marriage.
06:03 He's married to a beautiful woman.
06:04 They have I think four children or something together.
06:06 Yeah, he says, "I've told her,
06:08 if she ever leaves, I'm going with her."
06:10 I think that's how it ought to be, right?
06:13 If you leave, I'm going with you
06:14 is that you're just stuck with me no matter what.
06:17 And again, that means that I'm going with you,
06:19 but I'm going to do my best to make this a situation
06:23 that is so attractive for you that you'd be nuts to leave me.
06:26 I'm going to do my best
06:27 to make this marriage so attractive.
06:29 And have, what we have together so good
06:31 that you don't want to leave.
06:34 But still that follow hard, I think that's what it means,
06:37 it means that I'm going to follow in such a way
06:39 that we're going to work hard to make this thing doable.
06:43 That's right and we're tied together.
06:45 And then the third part says that "We should be one flesh."
06:49 What does that mean to be one flesh?
06:51 You know, I think it says,
06:52 "That we're going to have an intimacy.
06:54 That is going to be a closeness of hearts.
06:58 It's going to be physical, it's going to be emotional,
07:01 it's going to be spiritual. We're going to be one."
07:04 You know, one of the things that you hear a lot
07:07 nowadays is the term soul mate.
07:09 And I think everybody wants to have a soul mate, right?
07:12 They want to have that person
07:13 that their hearts are just close.
07:15 And as my dad used to say, "They see eye to eye."
07:18 Eye to eye, that's what your dad said.
07:19 Eye to eye, but, you know, what,
07:20 what is going around in popular,
07:22 popular culture today is a little bit different
07:24 I think than what God had in mind by one flesh.
07:27 Because there's this idea
07:29 that there is some ethereal person
07:33 out there somewhere.
07:34 Someone chanted evening,
07:36 I'm gonna meet that person across a crowded room, right?
07:38 Yes. Yeah.
07:39 And then suddenly we will click.
07:41 And if I can just find that one person
07:42 it's going to be great.
07:44 In fact, I looked up soulmate, in the urban dictionary.
07:47 Now, the urban dictionary is...
07:48 A real source, right? A great authority, right.
07:51 But I looked it up, and here's what people think of
07:53 when they think of soul mate
07:54 according to the urban dictionary.
07:56 "It's a person with whom
07:57 you have an immediate connection
07:59 the moment you meet.
08:00 A connection so strong, you're drawn to them in a way
08:02 you have never experienced before.
08:05 As this connection develops overtime,
08:07 you experience a love so deep, strong and complex,
08:10 you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved
08:12 anyone prior.
08:14 And your soul mate understands
08:15 and connect with you on every level every way.
08:18 You have a sense of peace, and calmness, and serenity
08:20 when you're around them.
08:21 And if you're not around them, you cannot possibly be happy.
08:24 You know my question... Amazing.
08:26 Amazing. Amazing.
08:27 My question is, can we ever find a human being
08:30 that would measure up to that.
08:33 Or could we possibly...
08:34 I mean you're close but not, yeah, come on.
08:36 Can we possibly expect one single person
08:39 to bear that much responsibility
08:41 for our happiness,
08:42 another person to bear that responsibility?
08:46 So, I think we get mixed up on what soul mate really is.
08:49 A soul mate is someone with whom you make a choice
08:52 to be one.
08:54 And that's the key here, I think is making the choice.
08:56 I have the opportunity to choose to become one
08:59 with my spouse.
09:01 I've chosen to become one with you.
09:03 That means that we have chosen to be soul mates.
09:06 Doesn't mean that we're perfect in every way,
09:08 we're not perfectly matched.
09:09 But we have decided to have
09:11 as close to a perfect marriage as we can
09:13 because we've decided that we are going to connect
09:15 in every way possible
09:17 and have one focus, one purpose for marriage.
09:21 And I think choice is a key word there
09:23 because we can choose that, the reason we know that
09:26 is because the people to whom the Bible was written,
09:29 then the audience at the time were all in arrange marriages.
09:33 They didn't go out and find that person in a crowded--
09:35 across the crowded room.
09:37 A crowded room, yeah.
09:38 They did not, they were in arranged marriages.
09:40 Their parents basically said, "You will be married."
09:43 And yet the Bible says, "Those two can be one."
09:47 They can be one flesh that Genesis talks about it,
09:50 it's talked about throughout the Bible.
09:51 So, two strangers basically coming together,
09:54 and now the Bible says, "You're going to be one flesh."
09:57 So, how do you make that happen?
09:58 You choose.
10:00 You make it happen by the choices that you make.
10:01 And you also add someone else to this mix and that is God.
10:05 God is going to help you make this,
10:06 this something special.
10:08 Let's take a look at another passage of scripture,
10:10 it's found in Ephesians 5:25.
10:13 And tell you what,
10:15 we can read it from a paraphrase version
10:19 or maybe I can use
10:21 the New American Standard Version.
10:23 Yeah, I like some of the things here
10:25 in the paraphrase.
10:26 Okay. Go ahead with that.
10:27 Let's start first of all with the New American Standard,
10:29 this is a more traditional reading of this is,
10:32 "Husbands, love your wives,
10:33 just as Christ also loved the church
10:35 and gave Himself up for her."
10:37 Now, again that's, that's the type of language
10:39 that we're used to hearing with this
10:40 and that makes sense to me.
10:42 I buy into that but there's a paraphrase of this.
10:44 Well, it's not even a paraphrase,
10:46 it's a New Living Translation.
10:47 Okay, so it's a looser translation.
10:49 And it's more in the language that we would use today
10:52 it says, "Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives..."
10:55 Oh, I like that.
10:57 "Exactly as Christ did for the church."
10:59 And that really is what this is talking about,
11:01 I'm going to go all out in my love for you.
11:04 That means that I have to go all out
11:05 in demonstrating to you that I do love you,
11:08 that I cherish you, that I adore you.
11:10 And then it says, "A love mark by giving,
11:13 not getting."
11:14 We are very mixed up on that in marriage today.
11:17 And I think that's a lot of the reason
11:19 for many divorces,
11:20 because we come into marriage feeling like
11:23 this is going to fulfill me,
11:24 this is going to give me what I've been looking for.
11:27 I'm going to have my vision met, my expectations met,
11:32 I will feel good because of this marriage.
11:34 And we both do a lot of marriage counseling
11:36 and when people come in,
11:38 they're usually focused on their pain.
11:40 You know, he's not doing this for me
11:42 or she's failing to do this for me.
11:44 And we become very myopic,
11:45 we only think about what the other person
11:47 is not doing for us.
11:49 But the idea of marriage
11:50 is for me to be focusing on what I can give to you.
11:53 I'm going to go all out
11:55 in meeting your needs in this relationship.
11:58 I want to go out and give to you
12:00 rather than keep a record of what you're giving to me.
12:02 And it's a matter of focus, isn't it?
12:03 It is.
12:05 It's a matter of saying this person is my family.
12:08 You know, we know that we're stuck with our blood family,
12:12 And in a way I think,
12:13 sometimes we put our spouse in a different category.
12:16 We have our family here and then our spouse here.
12:20 But what we need to realize
12:22 is that our family is our spouse.
12:24 This person will be with me forever
12:27 and therefore I want to make it the very best I can.
12:29 Adam said of Eve "You are bone of my bone
12:31 and flesh of my flesh."
12:33 We share a common blood system as Christians.
12:35 You and I both are Christians,
12:37 so we share a common blood system
12:38 and that is the blood of Jesus Christ.
12:40 We are in every sense family.
12:42 We are together and God has ordained
12:44 that they should be together forever.
12:46 And not just that we're stuck with each other,
12:48 but we're going to cleave to one another,
12:50 and follow hard after one all hard,
12:52 and make this about what I can give to you,
12:55 what you can give to me,
12:56 not just what I'm getting out of this.
12:58 But what I give in order to make you feel fulfilled
13:00 in this relationship.
13:01 Well, we need to take a break now.
13:03 All right All right.
13:04 So, we're going to take a break.
13:06 We'll be right back right after this.