Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000075
00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June.
00:38 June and I have been working with families for many years.
00:42 We're both licensed Marriage and Family Therapists
00:45 and licensed Mental Health Counselors.
00:48 And today we're going to talk about, When Love is Not Enough.
00:55 That sounds kind of strange, when love is not enough.
00:58 I thought love should cover everything.
01:01 I think many people think that.
01:03 They think that, "Once I'm in love, then that's
01:05 all that matters. "
01:06 But the more we work with people and with families especially,
01:10 is the more we recognize that love is not enough.
01:13 Let's chronicle the story of Sampson.
01:17 Because the story tells us that Sampson went down to Timnath
01:22 and he saw a daughter of the Philistines.
01:25 And he came back to his mother and his father and he said,
01:28 "This is the woman I want. "
01:30 So the parents said, "Why would do that?
01:32 Can't you find a woman of your own ethnicity,
01:37 most of all your own faith?"
01:39 And Sampson's response to his mother was,
01:43 "Get her for me, for she pleaseth me well. "
01:48 Now would you say that's narcissistic on Sampson's part?
01:53 I think that Sampson wanted what he saw in this woman
01:58 and was not about to be influenced by his parents
02:01 or anyone else.
02:02 And I find that is so parallel to many of our young people and
02:08 the way they make choices in the way they select their mates.
02:12 So they tend to say, "It's all about who I see
02:16 and what I love, and that's enough. "
02:20 Is love ever enough?
02:22 The irony is that sometimes what they're experiencing
02:25 really isn't even love.
02:27 They're infatuated with this person's beauty
02:30 or the person's talent, or something that, you know,
02:33 cue's them into this person.
02:35 But really, they have not grown to love or know
02:39 much about the person.
02:41 How do you love somebody you really don't know much about
02:43 and/or make a decision to live permanently in a relationship
02:47 with someone you really don't know.
02:49 So it's not enough to just be attached or
02:51 attracted to somebody.
02:52 You really need a lot more than that before you
02:55 make a mate selection.
02:58 Sampson's life was filled with paradox.
03:04 Sampson was suppose to abstain, yet he indulged.
03:09 Sampson was suppose to be the judge and champion of Israel,
03:13 yet he ended up in a dungeon.
03:16 As a matter of fact, his name "Sampson" means
03:18 "the strong one. "
03:20 So Sampson was suppose to be strong, yet he was a weak man.
03:25 Weak in integrity, weak in moral goodness.
03:30 That's a paradox.
03:32 You see such diversity in his life.
03:37 Looking at life today, do we have similarities?
03:42 I think that as I work with and talk with young people, I find
03:48 very clear paradox between the way they make selections
03:52 and the way Sampson operated.
03:55 Many of them refuse counsel from their elders,
04:00 from their parents.
04:01 In fact, I have found recently that there are so many
04:03 young people who say they're in love, that they're in conflict
04:07 with their parents while they're in love with their lover
04:11 or the person that they perceive to be their lover.
04:13 And the parents are traumatized because they see
04:16 that their child is about to plunge themselves
04:19 into a relationship that's not good for them.
04:23 Because the basic criteria that they have established
04:27 for selecting a wholesome partner just isn't there.
04:31 But the young people aren't able to see that for some reason.
04:35 They just make poor judgments, many of them.
04:38 Now many of them are doing the right thing.
04:40 But too many, and for me, one young person who makes
04:44 the wrong choice and ends up on the wrong side of the track,
04:47 is one too many.
04:49 We're talking about when love is not enough.
04:53 It has to do with mate selection.
04:55 And we're looking at the life of Sampson and seeing how we
04:59 can find parallels in everyday mate selections these days.
05:04 Now Sampson made some foolish mistakes.
05:08 And I'm going to highlight each of these mistakes.
05:10 And what I'd like you to do for me is see if you can find,
05:14 in your practice as you work with young people and
05:16 as you negotiate the lives of people, see if you can find
05:20 and share with me similarities, or what is the same.
05:22 For example, Sampson was selfish.
05:25 Sampson said to his parents, when the parents were trying
05:27 to rationalize with him, to show him why he should not select
05:31 this woman, "You should at least find somebody of your faith,"
05:36 the only argument Sampson had was, "She pleaseth me well. "
05:41 That's a very common thing that happens in the relationships
05:45 that I see young people engage in these days.
05:47 I spoke to a young woman who was in conflict with her own parents
05:52 because she was determined that the person she was in love with
05:56 would be her life partner, her husband,
05:59 and her parents were just saddened by her choice.
06:01 And one, the person did not share her faith.
06:05 And not only did he not share her faith, but he had practices
06:09 that were self destructive.
06:11 He used marijuana, he, you know, drank alcohol.
06:17 He was just doing things that the parents know would not
06:20 be wholesome for her as the father of her child
06:24 or even her husband.
06:25 But this young woman saw what she perceived to be love
06:28 and was head bent on going into this relationship.
06:31 And unfortunately, she did make that decision
06:34 and she married this young man.
06:36 And believe it or not, eight months into the relationship,
06:39 she was in counseling.
06:41 Young people, why do you keep making the same mistake
06:45 over and over again?
06:48 Why is it that you think that love is all you need;
06:52 as long as you're in love, that is it?
06:54 Why do you keep selecting individuals that you can
06:58 see clearly, because of the choices they make and
07:01 the lifestyle they have, that you're going to have problems.
07:05 Why do you have to learn, why can't you learn
07:09 from the mistakes of others?
07:10 Why do you have to go and make the same mistakes
07:13 and then you learn from it?
07:14 We're saying today, love is not all, love is not enough.
07:18 There are other ingredients that you have to put in it.
07:21 We have to explain this clearly to our listeners.
07:24 When we say love is not enough, we are using this phrase
07:29 in the context of mate selection.
07:33 Please bear that in mind.
07:34 Now not only was Sampson foolish, but Sampson made
07:41 the same mistakes three times.
07:44 If you read Judges carefully, you'll see that three times
07:47 Sampson selected a partner, and on each occasion it turns out
07:53 to be the wrong partner.
07:55 I use to say this, June.
07:56 As a matter of fact, I say to young men,
07:58 if the first time you select a partner, you select a
08:02 young lady and it turns out to be a bad choice.
08:04 And the second time you select a young lady,
08:07 it turns out to be a bad choice.
08:09 And the third time you select a young lady,
08:11 it turns out to be a bad choice, the problem is with you.
08:15 You are the problem.
08:16 You are the one who just doesn't know how to make good choices.
08:20 You see, sometimes young people are only looking
08:21 at the externals.
08:23 Sampson clearly had violated the principles that he grew up with
08:28 and ended up, as we see how his life ended.
08:32 But this is happening still with our young people.
08:35 And that's a sad commentary.
08:37 Young people, for some reason, think they know it all.
08:42 And they are resistant to their parents or to anyone else
08:46 trying to explain to them what the dangers are and what the
08:50 flags are, and hopefully will provide counsel for them.
08:54 They just think that what they see is how it is,
08:57 and that's what they want to do.
08:58 Sampson was defiant, also.
09:00 We spoke sometime ago about defiance.
09:04 And we see a level of defiance in Sampson
09:07 because Sampson didn't care.
09:09 He didn't care about spiritual values,
09:11 he didn't care about moral or social values.
09:14 He just wanted this woman for himself.
09:17 He was defiant, and he was defiant to his parents.
09:21 Some of you listening to us right now
09:23 are demonstrating that level of defiance.
09:27 And if you look at Sampson, it landed him in a dungeon.
09:30 The same will happen to you.
09:33 You cannot make bad choices, you can't be defiant
09:36 against principles and expect to have good outcome.
09:40 Well that's the irony; that they expect that it's going to
09:43 work out, because they know that they're in love
09:46 and that's all that matters.
09:47 And when the adult says, you have to watch out for
09:51 these other traits, it really doesn't comply unfortunately.
09:54 We should emphasize also that Sampson defied
09:58 Biblical teachings.
10:02 He did not follow Biblical teachings.
10:05 Isn't that saying something to people in selecting a mate?
10:09 God didn't just leave us to fumble.
10:11 He gave us direction, He gave us instruction.
10:13 And He said, one, we should avoid relating and selecting
10:20 a mate who does not have shared values.
10:24 And when we defy those principles, we're likely to...
10:29 Because it's hard enough to build a relationship,
10:31 a healthy relationship, with an individual who even
10:34 shares your values.
10:35 So you have added challenges when you
10:39 don't share your values.
10:40 And one should not compromise values, moral values and
10:44 spiritual values, in order to form a relationship.
10:47 You see, I think, Alanzo, part of the problem is
10:49 when young people think they're in love,
10:50 they only think about the moment.
10:52 They don't necessarily see the large picture.
10:54 So they're seeing the lover.
10:56 They don't see the husband, the father.
10:59 What kind of wife is this girl going to be,
11:02 or what kind of mother is this girl going to be?
11:04 Will she instill the values that I grew up with
11:08 in my child, or the values that I think are
11:10 important in my child?
11:11 They don't think that far.
11:12 They only really think about how they feel right now.
11:16 That's why we say, love is not enough.
11:18 Well, we keep saying young people,
11:21 unfortunately but it's true, adults make that same mistake.
11:26 Sometimes in their second marriages, we talked about
11:29 blended marriages, in their second marriage.
11:31 And sometimes older individuals, they're marrying
11:34 at an older age.
11:35 And you would think that their head would be on their body
11:38 and they would be thinking clearly.
11:39 And it's amazing how you'd see someone who you believe
11:43 they have it all put together, and they make the same
11:46 mistakes like a teenager.
11:47 And you say, "Where's this coming from?"
11:48 We talk about problems in marriages and we talk about
11:51 so many marriages now ending up in a divorce.
11:55 But I think part of the problem stems with how
11:59 the relationship started.
12:00 So if you pick the wrong person, or the person who doesn't fit
12:05 the criteria that's established for a healthy marriage.
12:09 For example, if you pick somebody who doesn't have
12:11 shared interests, doesn't have shared values,
12:12 who is certainly not heading in the same direction you're going,
12:17 you're not likely to end up in a good place.
12:20 And so when the marriage falls apart, we say,
12:23 "Oh Lord, how did you make this happen?"
12:24 But then the Lord told us in the first place,
12:26 don't do certain things.
12:29 We're talking about mate selection;
12:31 when love is not enough.
12:33 And there are many of you out there who think you're in love
12:37 and you feel that all that matters is that we are in love.
12:40 There are times we see young people elope, and they go
12:43 and they get married, then they come back and they tell their
12:46 parents, only to find themselves in trouble afterwards.
12:50 There are time when older ones, older individuals,
12:53 make decisions that are incompatible to their
12:57 Christian faith, their Christian beliefs, and what their parents
13:00 and friends and others are saying because they say
13:03 they are in love.
13:04 We're saying love is not enough.
13:07 Sampson made that mistake.
13:08 He thought love was enough.
13:09 We saw the end result of him.
13:11 When we come back, we're going to talk about
13:14 the Delilah syndrome.
13:15 We're going to share some things about Delilah.
13:17 And not only that now, we're going to say,
13:19 how do you go about your mate selection.
13:23 That's important.
13:24 We want to give you some tips on how to select a good mate.
13:27 Well, we'll be right back. Stay right there.
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14:09 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands.
14:12 Alanzo and I have been talking about, when love is not enough.
14:18 Well, we agree that love is not enough when it
14:22 comes to mate selection.
14:24 We spoke at length about Sampson and the mistake he made
14:29 into thinking that love was enough and what that got him.
14:32 We want to look at Delilah.
14:34 Because Delilah was a very beautiful,
14:37 a very attractive woman.
14:40 And often times, that's how men are swept off their feet.
14:45 That's how men make mistakes because they look for beauty.
14:49 But is there anything wrong in looking for beauty?
14:52 I married a beautiful woman.
14:53 Thank you.
14:55 I think that beauty is what get's you in the door,
14:57 to a large extent.
14:58 Because let's face it, the externals are important.
15:01 And you're not necessarily going to be attracted to somebody
15:03 that you're not attracted to.
15:04 So beauty plays some part in the process.
15:07 But it's not enough.
15:08 It shouldn't be, at least, external beauty only.
15:12 Because there have been many philosophers who say,
15:16 beauty is not just on the outside.
15:18 Beauty is vain, the Bible says.
15:19 Beauty can be vain.
15:21 That's what the Bible says, beauty is vain.
15:22 So let's talk about the external now.
15:25 We're talking about mate selection and mate formation,
15:31 and we're saying, the danger of the external.
15:35 Because beauty can be vain, beauty is deceptive.
15:41 In other words, if you're looking on just the individual
15:46 and the external, you might be deceived.
15:49 Because what you see and what you think you're seeing
15:53 might not be what you're getting.
15:55 There's a statement that says,
15:57 "Not all that glitters is gold. "
16:00 So people who are attracted to just the externals
16:04 might go into a relationship, get settled and realize,
16:07 "Wow, your character traits are not as beautiful
16:11 as your physical traits. "
16:12 And beauty can also be controlling.
16:16 Because Delilah was a beautiful women,
16:18 but she controlled Sampson.
16:20 Everything she wanted from Sampson, she got.
16:24 It's like she led him like a puppet on a string.
16:27 So while you're caught up in the ecstasy of the beauty
16:31 of this woman, remember that you might be walking into
16:34 one of the most controlling relationships.
16:38 Delilah was considered a cunning woman.
16:43 Does that still happen in relationships?
16:48 It happens so often, ever so often.
16:51 You see, Delilah knew what she wanted
16:56 and she knew how to get it.
16:59 When a woman sits down and summarizes a situation,
17:04 they see that man, he's married, and she says to herself,
17:09 "I want him.
17:10 I don't care if he's married or not, I want him. "
17:13 And all she does now is to sit down and calculatedly
17:18 lay a trap or devise a plan, how to get him.
17:23 And if that man, if his spiritual reservoir
17:26 is not filled up, if he's not on his guard,
17:28 before he knows it, he can be swept off his feet.
17:32 And I think the same is true for a woman.
17:34 I think there are men who will target women who are vulnerable.
17:38 And without much preplanning, a woman who has not
17:44 inoculated herself with strong values and who has calculated
17:49 what her mission in life is and has her principles established,
17:53 could also be vulnerable to somebody who is cunning.
17:56 So either way, it is not a good thing to fall prey
18:00 to a cunning person.
18:02 And a cunning woman is competitive.
18:05 They will enter any competition to get what they want.
18:08 They will compete with anyone, any person.
18:12 It doesn't bother them.
18:14 The end result is that they get what they want.
18:18 It's a tendency that is within an individual
18:24 that is selfish, that is driven by self, and driven by greed.
18:28 And the person doesn't care about the
18:30 feelings of anyone else.
18:31 It doesn't matter who they hurt as long as
18:32 they get what they want.
18:34 So we could say that Delilah was a risk taker,
18:37 which is also one characteristic of somebody who is cunning.
18:41 They're not afraid to take risks.
18:43 They will risk even their own safety to get what they want.
18:48 Now for those people who are not married and those
18:50 individuals who are in relationships,
18:53 are they stuck?
18:54 Must they fall in the Sampson trap or the Delilah trap?
18:59 How can an individual avoid Sampson's mistake?
19:05 I would say that one of the first things they do need to do
19:07 is to listen to counsel.
19:10 Seek counsel?
19:12 To be willing to hear what they may not want to hear.
19:16 To examine the issues and look at the facts rather than
19:21 going on the emotions.
19:23 But do you find people want to really hear what they, you know?
19:27 It's hard sometimes, when a parent or somebody who
19:33 wishes you well says to you, "Look, I think you're heading
19:36 in the wrong direction.
19:37 I think the girl that you have been dating
19:39 isn't of a good character. "
19:41 Or, "The boy you're dating is, you know, having another
19:44 relationship that I'm aware of. " Whatever.
19:46 These things are painful to hear, but you need to hear it.
19:49 It's not enough to say, "Well, they love me
19:51 so I'm going to go ahead. "
19:52 But an irony I found, honey, is this thing that
19:57 people want to hear what they want to hear.
20:02 And so if I know you're going to tell me something that
20:07 I don't want to hear, I don't want to talk to you.
20:09 I go to the next person that will say what I want to hear.
20:13 So sometimes in relationship formation people could
20:17 be helped, but they don't go to the source where they can be
20:20 helped because they don't want to hear it.
20:21 And that's why we're saying on this program that
20:24 this is not the thing to do.
20:26 We don't want you to fall into a trap.
20:28 We don't want you to fall into prey of the hands
20:31 of a cunning person.
20:32 We want you to fall in love with somebody who respects you and
20:35 loves you for who you are and will treat you as you deserve.
20:38 So you want to do it the right way.
20:40 Don't just follow your heart, follow your head as well.
20:44 So it might be painful now, but it might be in your
20:48 best interest in the long run.
20:51 So, can you listen to us?
20:54 Can we say it in a way that you will accept it
20:58 and you'll understand it?
20:59 Relationships are complicated at best.
21:03 And marriage is a challenge.
21:07 It is something that you have to negotiate.
21:09 So when you are dating, when you see someone that
21:12 you say that you are in love with, that's okay,
21:15 but that's not enough.
21:16 Do your homework. Ask the questions.
21:19 Seek counsel, talk to a professional.
21:22 Listen to what others have to say.
21:24 Don't be offended, don't be thin skinned.
21:29 Do the background work. Get the help.
21:32 It will save you a multitude of problems in the long run.
21:37 Well, there are some values that, having said that,
21:41 there are some values that individuals should look for
21:45 when they are selecting a mate.
21:48 What might some of these be?
21:50 I think that first, the individual who is doing
21:53 the selection must be aware of what his or her values are.
21:56 But socially, if you think about it, I think it is critical
22:00 that an individual should be respected.
22:04 So you should select an individual who will
22:06 respect you for who you are, who will value your family
22:10 and the background from which you came.
22:12 Because the reality is, you are not necessarily responsible
22:16 for your family and the choices sometimes that they make.
22:19 But you should not be putting yourself in a vulnerable
22:23 encounter where your family is going to be rejected
22:26 or disrespected because this person thinks little of them.
22:29 You should also look to see how they relate to their families.
22:33 Because I think it sets the tone for how they will relate to you
22:38 to a large extent.
22:39 I always say to girls, when you're selecting a husband,
22:41 look to see what kind of relationship he has with
22:44 his mother and with his sisters.
22:46 That's important because it may translate in the relationship
22:51 he has with her.
22:53 So you're saying, look for social values.
22:57 And tied to social values is the moral value.
23:03 You want someone with a strong character.
23:06 These days, character is important.
23:08 Well, character was always important, but now with
23:11 what is happening, you want someone with personal integrity.
23:15 You want someone who has uprightness.
23:18 It's not just about getting married.
23:22 It's not just about falling in love.
23:24 It's not just about saying, "Well, I'm desperate
23:27 and this is the best I can find. "
23:29 Those are not the issues.
23:31 If it's the best you can find and it's not good enough,
23:33 it might be to your detriment.
23:36 So take the time out to look for moral values.
23:40 You want an individual who is competent,
23:43 an individual who will stand for right principles.
23:46 Because we're living in a society, June, we're living
23:49 in an age now where people seem to be dismissing those
23:54 and saying, "Well that's not important. "
23:55 Or, "If the person doesn't have it when I marry them,
23:58 I will let them have it.
23:59 I'll make them, I'll teach them. "
24:01 Is that possible? Will that happen?
24:03 It is possible that you can give feedback and the person
24:06 could choose to learn what they need to learn.
24:08 But usually, that's not how it works.
24:10 They come with their package and they're going to be
24:11 who they are, to a large extent.
24:13 And if it's not good before, it's probably going
24:16 to get worse after.
24:17 What about intellectual values?
24:19 I think that those are important.
24:21 The person should be progressive.
24:22 You know, if you're going to marry somebody who has
24:24 no interest in improving themselves or improving the
24:28 the conditions of their life, then that's what you're
24:30 going to be settling for.
24:31 So the person should have some skill.
24:33 Now they may not have a college degree, but they may have a
24:37 skill, a trade or something that they can be compensated for.
24:41 So that, it is important to think, "I love you,
24:44 but you have to be able to take care of a family. "
24:46 Love is not enough at the end of the month
24:48 when the mortgage is to be paid, or the food has to be bought,
24:52 or the children's tuition is due.
24:53 So that individual whom you're choosing to be a life partner
24:56 must be able to hold down a job and to take care of
25:01 his family or her family.
25:03 But I hear some spouses say, and often times they
25:07 bring this up and say, "Well, even if they can't
25:10 hold a job down, and even if they don't have a job,
25:13 I'm working enough and that can take care of the finances. "
25:20 So many young people make that mistake.
25:21 They think that because they are able to work,
25:24 that the other person doesn't have to.
25:27 But eventually one thing into the relationship,
25:29 I found at least with the people that I work with
25:31 as clients, it doesn't work.
25:33 You expect that your partner must be productive.
25:36 And it's not going to be a good thing for you to go out to work
25:38 every day and your partner is home watching TV
25:41 or gone to play golf or something.
25:43 You have to contribute to the livelihood of the family.
25:47 The irony about that scenario is that it works within the
25:50 first few months or maybe years of the relationship.
25:54 But afterwards, now when reality sets in, it starts
25:59 acting on your nerves and it creates more problems.
26:01 Plus it's an expensive venture to raise a family.
26:04 And in order to provide the resources for sustenance
26:08 and survival, it takes pretty much two career incomes.
26:11 So on whatever level you can contribute, you should think
26:15 carefully about the choice you make.
26:17 Finally, we have to talk about spiritual values.
26:20 Often times, people neglect spiritual values.
26:24 Sometimes they say, "The Lord understands. "
26:27 Or they're thinking, "Well afterwards, I can come back. "
26:32 But spiritual value is an important ingredient,
26:35 an important component when we're talking about
26:38 mate selection.
26:39 What I hear many young people say is that they just can't
26:43 find competent and capable spiritual partners.
26:47 And the reality is, I would say, if you go to purchase something
26:52 like a pair of shoes or a dress or something that
26:55 you're looking for, and you can't find what you're
26:56 looking for, then you keep looking.
26:58 You go to the next store and you go to maybe the next town.
27:01 But the reality is, you don't just buy something,
27:04 because you want what you want.
27:05 I believe that God has left us the instructions that
27:10 will make us happy and make our lives fulfilled.
27:12 And if we follow His plan, we're likely to find happiness.
27:15 So we're to ask questions like, does this person love the Lord?
27:19 We're to ask, is this person a baptized member of your faith?
27:24 Does this person have a relationship with Jesus Christ?
27:30 It is always important.
27:32 You see, Sampson made that horrible mistake.
27:35 He thought love was enough.
27:36 And the story is pathetic.
27:39 The woman he loved ended up causing him to lose his eyes.
27:44 Do not allow anyone that you love that badly
27:47 cause you to lose your sight.
27:49 You must trust God with your mate selection.
27:53 Trust Him.
27:54 Love is never enough.
27:55 Jesus Christ is there to be with you.
27:58 We pray that God will strengthen you and bless you.