Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000070
00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June,
00:36 and we have been married for 33 years.
00:40 And we have spent the greater part of those years
00:43 working with families.
00:45 We're both licensed clinicians and we have worked to help
00:49 families around the world and here in the
00:51 United States of America.
00:53 Now we would like to start out by talking to our
00:57 listeners on the topic, The Danger of Deception and Envy.
01:04 And there's a story in the Bible that I think chronicles this
01:08 topic in a lovely way.
01:11 Jacob loved Rachel.
01:14 And the Bibles says when he asked her dad for her,
01:19 he told him that he would have to work for seven years.
01:23 And Jacob worked those seven years and it says it seems like
01:28 a few days unto him because of the love he had for Rachel,
01:32 The passion, it was there for her.
01:36 I like the practice of the young man asking the parents
01:42 permission to marry their daughter.
01:45 Sometimes in these days, it doesn't happen.
01:48 I heard of a case recently where the family
01:51 actually found out that the son got married after the event.
01:57 So that must be just very painful.
01:59 So yes, that happens.
02:01 And we should appeal to young people that you should never
02:05 do that to your parents.
02:06 After they have sacrificed and whatever they have done for you,
02:10 no matter how you feel about them, if you're going to
02:14 get married, the least you could do is first tell them.
02:18 They should not hear after the fact.
02:20 And no young man who wishes a young lady real good
02:25 would do that to her.
02:27 You should insist that she tells her parent.
02:30 And if she refuses to, I don't think you should marry her.
02:33 Good counsel.
02:35 Another thing I find significant is the passion.
02:40 Here was Jacob wanting to marry this young woman
02:44 because he loved her.
02:46 But he was willing to work seven years to earn his
02:51 right to marry her.
02:52 And that to me demonstrated real commitment to his desire.
02:57 These day, just something seems amiss.
03:02 It appears that couples or relationships these days
03:06 start with some passion but it doesn't seem to be sustained.
03:11 Energy and the heat and the flame and the
03:14 big wedding and everything.
03:16 And that's all good. We're not discounting it.
03:18 But what we're saying, it should translate into
03:21 length of marriage.
03:22 Five years into the marriage ten years into the marriage,
03:25 and longer, you should feel passion towards your
03:29 spouse just the same.
03:30 So it's not about the wedding day.
03:32 It's not the event of the wedding.
03:34 That's only a ceremony.
03:35 It's the marriage, the life after, that really matters.
03:38 But we're talking about deception and envy.
03:42 Because what Rachel's daddy did was promise Jacob
03:49 that he would get Rachel, but instead he got Leah.
03:57 Now how do you think, seriously speaking now,
04:01 how do you think Jacob felt when on the night of the honeymoon,
04:06 after working for seven long years, he discovered
04:10 that it was not Rachel but it was Leah?
04:14 That was deception.
04:15 You know, it's hard for me to even conceptualize
04:19 what that must have been like when Jacob pulled back that veil
04:24 and saw another person instead of the girl he really desired.
04:28 But the story, I think, symbolizes what happens
04:33 in many relationships in our time.
04:35 When we talk about deception, how do you think this continues
04:39 to be manifested in relationships?
04:42 I know of a classic example where a lady had
04:47 a medical condition.
04:49 Something that was necessary to have disclosed
04:53 so that the man could make an objective decision as to
04:57 whether or not he wants to continue the relationship
04:59 and to go through with marriage.
05:01 But she was scared.
05:02 She felt maybe if he should find out, if he should know,
05:05 he would call the wedding off.
05:07 So she held back that bit of information
05:09 and they got married.
05:11 Well guess what.
05:12 After the wedding, the husband found out and he was livid.
05:19 As a matter of fact, the marriage did not last long.
05:22 He could not live with that deception.
05:25 And I can understand because I think relationships are
05:29 clearly built on trust.
05:30 And if that is ruined at the onset of the relationship,
05:34 then it's all downhill from there.
05:36 So marriages cannot exist where there is deceit.
05:41 It doesn't matter who's carrying out the deception.
05:44 In this case it was the father-in-law.
05:47 It was still wrong.
05:49 So if they, father or mother, any member of the family,
05:57 or the two individuals who are in love, if they are trying to
06:01 deceive the other, somewhere along the line
06:05 it's going to backfire.
06:07 Somewhere along the line it's going to come back to hurt them.
06:10 So I think in the moment of desperation, or when an
06:13 individual feels like the marriage is what's important,
06:16 they just want to get married, if there are issues or
06:19 situations in their past that they know would significantly
06:23 interfere with the decision to marry this person,
06:26 then they sometimes withhold that information.
06:28 And we're saying, that's not appropriate.
06:30 If an individual gets married to an individual and there wasn't
06:34 clear transparency, then that's actually violating
06:37 the marriage vow.
06:38 And we're not just talking about medical conditions.
06:42 We're talking about other things like for example
06:45 you misrepresent the truth of the level of your education.
06:49 There are some people who call themselves
06:52 or misrepresent themselves to what they are not.
06:55 That's wrong.
06:56 There are some individuals who claim they're working
06:58 so much money when that's not their salary.
07:01 That's wrong.
07:02 There are some people who claim that they
07:05 have "x" amount of money when they don't have it.
07:08 That's wrong.
07:09 So we're saying deception, in whatever form it comes,
07:14 is destructive to the marriage in the long run.
07:17 It's going to lead to so much pain and agony.
07:20 It is conceivable that some people get married and
07:23 they haven't quite ended former relationships
07:26 that they have had.
07:27 And so they enter into a marriage but they're still
07:29 involved with other lovers, as it were.
07:32 That is deception.
07:33 Now let's go back to the story and see now how
07:37 Laban's deception translates into the marriage of
07:43 Jacob and Leah.
07:45 The Bible tells us that Leah conceived his first son.
07:49 And notice what she said when the son was born.
07:52 She said, "Now my husband will love me. "
07:57 Can we say that deception could lead to a loveless marriage?
08:01 That might be an oxymoron; loveless marriage.
08:04 The whole concept of marriage is built on love.
08:06 So it's so unfortunate that she was willing to settle
08:11 for a marriage where there was no love.
08:13 But, yes, in a relationship where there is deception,
08:16 it is likely to lead to a lack of love.
08:19 Because again, a relationship is built on trust.
08:22 So it must have been a painful experience for her now.
08:26 She's married and it's not her fault why her dad
08:30 did what he did.
08:31 And she's married to this man and she knows
08:34 the man does not love her.
08:36 So at the back of her mind, I suspect, when she got pregnant,
08:39 she was kind of excited and said, "Well I am sure now,
08:42 bringing this child to my husband, he will love me. "
08:48 Did she get the love?
08:50 No she didn't, but that leads us to another point.
08:52 Because I've also dealt with situations where there's a
08:55 relationship between a man and a woman
08:57 and the man doesn't seem to be committed to the relationship
09:01 to the extent that he wants to marry the woman.
09:03 And then the woman announces that she's pregnant
09:06 and thinking that will endear the man to her.
09:10 And sometimes he goes through and he decides to marry her.
09:14 And then shortly after she announces,
09:18 "Oh, I had a miscarriage," or something.
09:20 Now you really have to wonder what is going on here.
09:23 And invariably, those relationships end up
09:26 in a divorce.
09:28 And you know, June, if someone has to trick someone
09:32 into marrying them, if someone has to deceive someone
09:36 into marrying them, it's not worth it.
09:38 You know, what are you getting married for?
09:42 Because you're not going to be happy.
09:43 Marriage is all about happiness, living together in a
09:47 harmonious relationship.
09:48 And if it starts out in deception,
09:51 it's not going to work.
09:53 Look what happened to Leah.
09:54 Leah conceived a second son.
09:56 And she said, "Now the Lord will look favorable upon me
10:00 knowing that my husband hated me. "
10:03 So she's saying, first she said, "My husband didn't love me,"
10:07 but now she's saying, "My husband hates me. "
10:09 So deception leads to a loveless marriage.
10:13 And now we find deception leading to hate;
10:16 hatred and bitterness.
10:17 That's a hard price to pay to live in a relationship
10:21 with your own husband where you feel hated.
10:24 So Laban is saying, "Ahh, I got my daughter married. "
10:28 But look what he has done for the daughter.
10:31 It's not just about getting married.
10:34 A lot of people think it's the wedding day and,
10:36 you know, the excitement and everybody comes and enjoys
10:39 and say the nice things and the cards and what have you.
10:42 The fanfare and the music, and what have you, is good
10:45 but marriage is not about that.
10:47 Marriage is two people living their life afterwards.
10:51 And in this case now, because of the deception,
10:54 the woman was not experiencing love and she was experiencing
10:57 hatred and bitterness.
10:59 And when the third child came, do you know what she said?
11:02 She said, "Now my husband will be joined unto me. "
11:06 So that, it means that they're estranged from each other.
11:11 It means that there's no chemistry,
11:13 there's no togetherness.
11:14 So Leah was doing everything she thought she had the power to do
11:18 to endear her husband to her.
11:20 But obviously, he wasn't buying it.
11:23 It wasn't where his heart was.
11:25 He was really in love with someone else.
11:28 So why do people think that even though I am not doing
11:34 the right thing and I am not going about it the right way
11:37 for marriage, why do they still think that, "I will get it
11:42 worked out the way I want it. "
11:44 It's like they feel that they have control and,
11:47 "I only want to get married because once I am married,
11:50 everything will be alright and I'll fix it. "
11:52 That's the myth that many young people have.
11:55 They think that marriage cures it all.
11:57 So they see red flags, they see character flaws,
12:00 they see other issues that they know will be an issue
12:03 in the marriage but they think, "Well once we get married,
12:06 it will be solved, we will live with it somehow. "
12:10 And they enter these relationships only to find out
12:13 that they live in pain, they live in a loveless relationship.
12:16 And many times, they're even hated.
12:19 If one should ask Laban, "Was it worth it?"
12:24 what might be his response at this point knowing what
12:28 his daughter is going through?
12:30 I think Laban was a hard nut to crack and he probably didn't
12:35 really love Leah himself.
12:37 Although it was a custom and it seemed a practice
12:39 in those days for the first daughter to get married,
12:41 the reality is, if he truly understood the hurt emotionally
12:45 that he inflicted on his own daughter, he probably
12:47 would have not done it.
12:49 We're talking about the danger of deception and envy.
12:55 And we chronicled the story of Jacob, how he was deceived,
13:01 and the pain it brought into the relationship.
13:05 He didn't love his wife.
13:07 When we come back, we're going to look at
13:10 some of these issues and how they impact you as a individual.
13:14 We want to talk to you and your experience and to help you
13:18 to grow from it or how you might be able to correct it.
13:21 So don't go away, stay with us.
13:23 Because when we come back, we want to look at
13:26 what can you do if you're experiencing deception.
13:37 There are many How To books available,
13:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple.
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14:09 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands.
14:12 We have been talking about deception and envy.
14:18 Well, we have not only been talking about it,
14:22 but we have been highlighting some of the mistakes
14:27 people make in order to form relationships.
14:30 So what I would like you to do, June, you are a clinician.
14:36 You have worked with hundreds and hundreds of families.
14:42 And listening to us are families who might be hurting
14:46 because of a deception.
14:48 Or there might be other reasons, but they are hurting.
14:51 Could you talk to them a little and share with them
14:55 how can they cope with their pain or with whatever
15:01 they're going through.
15:03 Now there are many variables, I think, that one would
15:07 have to consider.
15:08 The reality is, if this deception was a result of
15:12 something you did that contributed to it, then I think
15:16 you first must acknowledge your role in that scenario.
15:20 And both of you must be committed to fix the situation.
15:26 So the deceiver might be totally responsible for the outcome
15:31 of what happened, but you may have contributed in some way.
15:34 And so both of you need to take responsibility for what
15:38 needs to happen beyond that.
15:41 The next step that you need, after you have both committed,
15:43 is to be willing to say, "Are we able to forgive each other
15:48 and are we willing to put the past behind us?"
15:51 The reality is, deception is of the devil.
15:55 And it is his role to destroy every good thing.
16:00 And so once you recognize that and know that God's love
16:04 encompasses all hurt, then you can proceed
16:08 to forgive each other and to start on a clean page.
16:11 So I'm hearing you saying that the two individuals
16:15 have to come together and try and work it out.
16:18 And most times, in there lies the problem.
16:22 Because one party wants to work it out and the
16:25 other party does not.
16:27 And so I'm appealing, if you're listening to me and you are the
16:31 resistant party, if you don't care, you have been deceived
16:35 and you don't want to talk about it, at this stage
16:38 what do you do?
16:39 Do you walk away from your family?
16:41 Do you break up?
16:42 You know, God has the awesome power to forgive us.
16:46 And we have seen it.
16:47 Calvary reminds us how He loves us and how much He forgives us.
16:52 And if you can only understand what took place at Calvary,
16:56 then maybe God can help you to find it in your heart
17:00 to forgive the spouse.
17:01 As I listen to you say that, I am reminded of God's love
17:05 and the reality of our deception to Him.
17:09 And how often do we promise Him to do certain things
17:14 and we renege on our promises.
17:17 So we literally deceive Him or we lie to Him as well.
17:21 Yet He forgives us just the same.
17:23 So if you're hurting because your spouse deceived you,
17:26 maybe you want to think about your relationship with God
17:29 and how often you have erred and He has been
17:32 willing to forgive you.
17:33 And we're not here trying to build up a house of cards
17:37 because we do know that there are some situations,
17:41 heartfelt situations, that the obvious
17:46 result from it, you know, is inevitable.
17:49 So we're not here judging anyone.
17:52 But what' we're saying is, if there's a possibility
17:55 that both of you can work it out, if there's a possibility,
17:58 try your best.
17:59 But deception is painful.
18:01 And that goes for the rest of you who are listening
18:04 who might be practicing deceit to hear this,
18:07 that in the long run you're going to hurt yourself,
18:10 hurt your family, and even hurt your children.
18:13 Now Leah was desperate and she wanted her husband
18:18 to love her.
18:19 And she had one son, two sons, three sons, four sons.
18:24 And that didn't happen.
18:26 What was happening here?
18:27 You know, here's her desperation now.
18:31 She offered up her handmaid.
18:35 It's like she said to her husband, "Okay, you're still
18:37 not happy with me.
18:38 I'm trying to please you but you're still not happy with me.
18:41 So okay, take my handmaid and maybe that will
18:44 make you love me. "
18:46 The father, her father is at fault.
18:50 Her father caused this woman's pain, travail,
18:53 and what have you.
18:54 And that's why she's going through all these desperate
18:56 measures trying to find happiness.
19:03 But I think before we move on, it's important to note
19:05 that happiness is not something that we can purchase
19:09 or that we can do something to achieve in the way that
19:12 Leah went about it.
19:14 And so many couples, or so many people, in their
19:17 desperation to get happy, they use deceptive tactics.
19:21 And it never ever brings happiness.
19:24 Well the question must be answered then,
19:27 why do people deceive?
19:30 Why do people practice deceit, carry out deceit,
19:34 even though sometimes they know the consequences?
19:37 Why are they willing to run the risk?
19:39 I think sometimes people are just basically selfish.
19:42 They want it their way and if they can't get it,
19:47 then they will lie to achieve it.
19:49 So they have a narcissistic personality then, selfishness.
19:52 It could be that it's a disorder like that, but it could just
19:54 be plain selfish traits.
19:56 And sometimes people want to get their way.
19:59 It's just, you know, this is what I want
20:03 and it doesn't matter who I hurt.
20:06 It doesn't matter, it's just what I want and that's all.
20:11 Sometimes the spouse is hurting or was hurt by the spouse
20:17 and they want to spite the other person.
20:19 And so they inflict pain by doing something that they
20:23 know would get under the skin of the other individual.
20:25 And they would really be mistrustful.
20:28 Sometimes people are deceptive and they use deception as a
20:33 means of manipulating.
20:35 When they want to manipulate a process, again to get their
20:38 own way, deception comes in.
20:40 Sometimes too, it is that they fear the consequences.
20:44 It could be that the spouse might act violently towards them
20:48 or the outcome is more than they're willing to handle
20:52 or they perceive their inadequacy
20:55 to handle the situation.
20:56 And so they will lie about what happened just to protect
20:59 themselves from what they perceive to be
21:01 a negative response.
21:03 We have been talking about faith and we have been
21:05 emphasizing faith.
21:08 And I find that sometimes people deceive because
21:12 they don't have faith.
21:14 It's a lack of faith.
21:17 Can I depend on God? Can I wait on God?
21:20 I have been waiting these many years and nothing is coming.
21:23 This is my possibility, maybe my only possibility as I see it,
21:28 and there are some obstacles but if I hide the obstacles,
21:31 and get what I want, then let things work out.
21:33 Que sera, sera.
21:35 I think another thing could be just a fear of rejection.
21:38 They perceive that if their husband or wife were to
21:43 find out the truth, or if the person they're in love with
21:45 were to find out the truth, that they probably would
21:47 end the relationship.
21:49 And so in an attempt to preserve the relationship,
21:52 they think it would be wise to deceive the person,
21:56 not realizing that this is the worst thing to ever do.
22:01 So deception then is never healthy to an individual
22:06 or to a relationship.
22:07 And this story chronicles the pain and the heartache and
22:11 everything that comes from deception.
22:13 Now let's pick up the story again because it's
22:15 not yet finished.
22:18 After promising to work for seven more years now,
22:24 Jacob is given the love of his life.
22:28 He is given Rachel and so he marries Rachel.
22:32 It sounds good, end of story.
22:34 They ride off in their, she rides off with her knight
22:38 in shining armor and that's it.
22:40 They live happily ever after.
22:42 Unfortunately, the story didn't end that way.
22:45 Rachel got what she wanted, or Jacob got what he wanted,
22:52 but Rachel was still not happy.
22:54 Yes, think of the implication.
22:58 Let's look at this home environment now.
23:02 Because, remember now, Jacob is married to two sisters.
23:07 So now her sister is her children's step mother.
23:14 That's kind of funny.
23:15 Her sister is her children's step mother.
23:19 But her husband is also her brother-in-law.
23:24 Now, it is said that her children and her sister's
23:27 children are brothers.
23:30 That's kind of weird.
23:32 Her sister has children for her own husband.
23:37 So her children must call her sister's children cousins.
23:42 But they're also brothers.
23:44 Yea, so we're getting a kind of a potluck relationship here now.
23:51 Rachel's son's must call her sister "aunt".
24:01 And now Jacob's wife is his sister-in-law.
24:05 That's a lot of complication that we're talking about.
24:08 Four of Jacob's son's are his nephew's-in-law.
24:12 You know, Rachel is bound to have problem in
24:17 this relationship.
24:18 Talk about dysfunction.
24:20 This is a dysfunctional family.
24:22 And there are too many glaring red flags.
24:26 The family is mixed up, the red flags are there.
24:32 In many relationships, these dynamics and dimensions
24:36 in this family may not exist.
24:38 But talk about red flags.
24:41 We saw them before and yet this family
24:46 went ahead and did what they wanted to do anyway.
24:49 And people do just that.
24:51 People see red flags, they see danger,
24:53 they see things that...
24:55 And you listening to me, some of you are looking at the red flag.
24:58 You know the red flag and you're still holding
25:00 onto the relationship.
25:01 You see things in the individual that you know is not right.
25:04 You know, one lady called me.
25:05 I was in my office once, up in New York there,
25:07 was in my office, and a lady called me.
25:09 I don't know where they were calling from.
25:10 But she said, "I have to ask you this question. "
25:12 And she said, "I'm engaged to my fiancé and the marriage is set,
25:18 but we had an argument the other day and he slapped me
25:20 in my face, slapped me twice in my face.
25:22 What do you think I should do?"
25:24 And I said, "Do you really need my council on that?"
25:28 She said, "Yes, Dr. Smith, I need your council. "
25:30 I said, "You should run. "
25:31 She said, "What did you say?"
25:33 I said "Run from that relationship. "
25:34 And I was dead serious.
25:36 Because don't you see what's happening now.
25:39 They're not yet married and what's going to
25:40 happen when they're married?
25:41 But of course, in her mind she loves him.
25:44 And she might even justify that he was angry
25:47 or she may have said something that brought on his rage, etc.
25:51 And she will walk right into an abusive relationship.
25:55 Red flags are important for you to observe.
26:00 When you see them, you're to take heed.
26:04 You are to look at yourself and say, "Am I doing
26:08 what God wants me to do?
26:10 Am I going in the right direction?"
26:11 What are some of the dangers of ignoring these flags?
26:14 Well, you can end up like Leah with a loveless marriage,
26:18 your spouse hates you, not joined to you.
26:21 There is no synergy, no energy, no chemistry
26:23 in the relationship.
26:24 You can spend nights crying.
26:27 There's a whole pictorial of problems that you can go through
26:31 if you ignore the red flags.
26:34 So we're saying, it's not worth the risk.
26:36 When you see character flaws that you know up front
26:40 will bring you pain, before you're even married,
26:43 then don't expect that they are going to change after marriage.
26:46 So people should be honest with their relationship.
26:50 They should be honest to their spouse,
26:53 they should be honest to their children.
26:54 When you're forming relationships,
26:56 you should be honest.
26:57 Because if honesty is not at the heart of the relationship,
27:00 it's going to come back and hurt you.
27:02 And we have seen so many cases, we have seen so many
27:05 individuals who said, "I knew, but... "
27:08 In the long run they are the ones that have been affected.
27:12 Another point I want to make is that Leah was
27:15 yearning for Rachel's life.
27:17 She wanted what her sister had.
27:19 Yet, Rachel was yearning for Leah's life.
27:23 Isn't that an irony?
27:24 We call it symbiotic confusion.
27:26 Rachel wants to be Leah and Leah wants to be Rachel.
27:30 Leah is saying, "My husband loves this woman. "
27:34 And Rachel is saying, "She has children from my husband. "
27:39 So like deception, envy is not a good thing.
27:42 Well, that's what we want to talk about in part two.
27:45 This is part one of our presentation,
27:47 The Danger of Deception and Envy.
27:51 And we will talk about envy in part two.
27:53 But we are happy that you have tuned in.
27:57 Remember, do not be deceptive.
27:59 Be honest with yourself.