Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000047
00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith.
00:35 And with me is my beautiful wife June Smith.
00:39 June, say "hello" to our friends.
00:42 It is such a delight to be with you today.
00:44 We have a very interesting topic for discussion.
00:48 What wives want husbands to know.
00:52 But before we get into our discussion, we invite you
00:55 to bow with us as we pray.
00:59 Heavenly Father, we thank You for allowing us
01:05 to have families.
01:07 And we pray that You will keep our families.
01:09 And that You will bless our families.
01:13 Help us that we will remember You as Lord and Master
01:19 of our lives and serve You every day.
01:22 In Jesus' name we pray, amen. Amen.
01:29 We spoke already about what men want women to know.
01:35 And so we're doing the sequel to that now.
01:39 What wives want husbands to hear.
01:42 We spoke about what husbands want wives to hear.
01:44 And now we're talking about what wives want husbands to hear.
01:50 Well, what's the first thing you think
01:53 wives want husbands to hear?
01:58 Now we want to underscore that we've had several conversations,
02:02 around the world, in fact, as we do seminars and retreats,
02:07 and we've done surveys with many of these groups.
02:11 And so, much of this information is from the
02:15 feedback we've gotten.
02:16 Do you get some of that from your clinical practice as well?
02:19 And also from the people that I work with
02:22 as they talk about their stories and their concerns.
02:24 And one of the first things that many wives say
02:28 they want from their husbands is for them to share
02:32 in child care responsibilities. For some reason,
02:37 that responsibility falls in the hands of the woman.
02:41 And many times the wife, she is saddled with it alone.
02:46 I can think of a story in the Bible that would speak
02:51 to that very issue you're talking about.
02:54 It's in 2 Kings 4:18-19. I invite you to read with me
03:01 this powerful passage.
03:25 Now, we're listening, tell us what's wrong with this picture.
03:32 Well, it seems to me that here is this child that fell sick
03:35 and the fathers concern was, "take him to your mother. "
03:39 It sounds very common. Men, sometimes don't really,
03:44 if they don't have medical skills, know what to do.
03:48 And so, they would say, "take it to the mother. "
03:50 But I think what concerns me is that
03:53 he didn't accompany the child, as the mother was
03:56 attending to the child. So it just seems like,
03:58 this is your mothers responsibility.
04:00 Go make her do it.
04:03 Instead of saying to the servant "take him to his mother,"
04:09 what he should have done, he should have stopped his work,
04:14 dropped everything he's doing, and go to attend to his son.
04:19 He should have registered to that boy that he is
04:23 far more important than his work.
04:26 And that's what you need to do. No matter what you have to do.
04:29 No matter how important you think your work is.
04:32 Your child is more important than your work.
04:36 And there are times when you have to set aside your work
04:39 and go and be there for your child.
04:43 I've seen so many children talk about their parents,
04:47 their father, not there at important transitions.
04:51 You know, their first day on some assigned task.
04:54 Whether it is performing with a school band or
05:00 a basketball game.
05:03 Something significant in their life.
05:06 To the parent it appears that it's just a simple thing
05:08 and the child will have many more.
05:09 But for the child, the one person they want
05:11 in that audience is their dad.
05:14 The second thing that wives want husbands to hear
05:19 is that they are to listen to them.
05:22 Listening is very important. When you listen to a woman,
05:27 it makes a world of difference.
05:30 As a matter of fact, listening is an art.
05:34 It is something that you have to practice to accomplish
05:39 if you don't like to do it. But it's important to listen
05:44 to the woman.
05:45 We're saying, it's not just enough to be in the same space
05:50 with undivided attention and indicate that you're listening.
05:54 When you're listening, you want to give your wife eye attention.
05:59 You want to look her in the eye so she knows
06:01 you're listening to her.
06:03 And then you give her feedback on what she's saying.
06:06 So that she knows they're both communicating.
06:10 Another category of listening is not so much in the context of
06:17 hearing when there's an argument and you pay attention.
06:22 But it's in the context of active listening
06:27 when you're relating an issue and you respond to it.
06:32 I think the Bible best illustrates the point
06:35 I'm trying to make.
06:36 Matthew 27:19. Read with me this text.
07:02 Pilate should have listened to his wife.
07:06 Had he done that, history would have been written differently.
07:11 Yes, Jesus Christ would have been crucified still.
07:14 Because He had to die for us.
07:16 However, Pilate's name would not have to be associated with it
07:20 in that negative form had he listened to his wife.
07:23 And that's the type of listening I'm talking about.
07:27 Where we listen to what our wives are saying,
07:33 and we respond accordingly.
07:36 As I think of listening from a woman's perspective,
07:39 it's not just hearing what the woman said,
07:42 but understanding that sometimes she has a perspective
07:47 that the husband doesn't have.
07:50 And so, when she makes suggestions, what's she's asking
07:57 is to think about, as you listen to her, think about
08:01 what her perspective is. And try to use it as a
08:06 way to influence your decision. So that you get your perspective
08:11 and her perspective, and then do what is in
08:12 the best interest of the family.
08:14 Some people say a woman has a sixth sense.
08:17 I don't know but many times, she sees something that
08:22 the husband may not see.
08:24 Ok, well let's do what we call the listening exercise.
08:31 And we're inviting you to join in.
08:33 What I want you to do, if your spouse is nearby,
08:36 or if your spouse is away, call to your spouse and say,
08:39 "Come on, there's something we need to do here.
08:40 Run, come, hurry. "
08:42 Listen, we want you to talk to your spouse,
08:46 and say something like this, "When you listen to me,
08:50 I feel appreciated. "
08:53 Go ahead, try that. Put it in your own words.
08:56 Whatever it is when your spouse listens to you,
08:58 what that does for you.
09:01 Or, "When you listen to me, I feel attended to. "
09:05 Or, "When you listen to me, it tells me that
09:13 you care about my feelings. "
09:18 "When you listen to me, I feel loved. "
09:23 "When you listen to me, I know you want to work out the issue
09:33 we're talking about. "
09:34 As so, those are just examples that we like you to talk
09:40 with each other and share what listening does for you.
09:46 Now, we have spoken several times about resolving issues.
09:52 And this is one of the things a lot of women have pointed out.
09:56 Do not allow problems to continue and to grow.
10:01 And what that is saying, is that some husbands
10:05 tend to carry grudges.
10:08 So that if there's a concern, instead of trying to resolve
10:13 the problem as it is now, they would get upset and feud,
10:19 as it were, for awhile.
10:21 And some women might equally respond that way.
10:24 But most women like to address the issue and move on.
10:29 Silence does not settle the issue.
10:32 Going away and spending the day at your work
10:36 and coming back home does not resolve the issue.
10:40 You need to sit, talk, and try to work towards a resolution.
10:45 And part of that process is, learn to listen.
10:49 It's important.
10:53 Women are saying, what wives are saying to their husbands,
10:57 show affection consistently.
11:01 Affection is not a nocturnal thing.
11:03 Affection is something that should be shown consistently.
11:08 And consistently in context of the woman's perspective
11:11 is as you said, it should not only be when you
11:15 want to engage her in intimacy, or an intimate act.
11:19 But the relationship should be loving and the display of
11:24 affection should be appropriately done
11:27 on a continual basis. So when you wake up,
11:31 you show affection in a way that she knows you are saying,
11:38 "Honey, I'm so glad you're alive. "
11:40 Or when you're leaving for work, you give her a big embrace
11:44 and you give her a big kiss, and you say "Have a great day. "
11:48 However you do it.
11:49 The reality is you want to show affection.
11:51 You check during the day to see how she's doing.
11:54 You find a way at the end of the day to then reflect on
11:57 how your day went. So you're constantly
11:59 attending to each other.
12:02 And showing affection as you rightly say,
12:06 it comes in many ways.
12:08 It's giving, it's being sympathetic or empathetic.
12:14 I heard a lady express it, it was very painful to listen
12:17 to her, she said the work she does, she stands on her feet
12:22 through our the day working. And this particular day,
12:24 she came home and her feet were swollen and very tired.
12:28 And she turned to her husband, she was lying in bed and
12:31 couldn't sleep because of the aching feet.
12:35 So she turned to her husband and she said,
12:37 "Could you please give my feet a massage?"
12:42 And he turned to her and he said, "I don't feel like giving
12:45 any massage now. " And he rolled over
12:50 and went off into sleep.
12:52 That was certainly not sensitive to her need.
12:55 So what women are asking for is affection.
13:00 And make it consistent.
13:02 The consistency is important because every now and then,
13:05 we're showing affection.
13:06 But they're saying, "We would like you to do it
13:09 on a more consistent basis. "
13:12 We have a number of things we want to talk about.
13:14 We are talking about what wives want husbands to know.
13:17 And we have some more things here.
13:20 You wives, you stay right there.
13:21 You husbands, we want you to listen.
13:23 Please stay right where you are because we'll be right back.
13:28 We're just going to take a short break.
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14:16 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands.
14:20 We have been talking about what wives want husbands to hear.
14:25 And here in the studio is my lovely wife, June.
14:30 We have put together a collection of what we have
14:33 heard from these wives as we travel around the world.
14:36 And also in our own family practice.
14:40 So let's continue sharing.
14:42 What's the next one you have to share?
14:45 One of the sensitive issues, but really important is
14:51 paying attention to personal hygiene.
14:55 Men are workers and they are usually
15:00 involved in physical activities.
15:02 And sometimes they are exhausted at the end of their day.
15:08 And may not necessarily want to pay attention to their
15:12 person hygiene as they should.
15:15 Some may choose to take a shower in the morning.
15:17 And the ladies are saying it would be better to
15:19 take a shower before going to bed.
15:23 I have heard ladies express the need for using mouthwash.
15:28 I have heard ladies express the need for using deodorant.
15:33 All we're saying is often, frequently, ladies say that
15:39 they would like men to pay attention to personal hygiene.
15:46 And of course, what can we say.
15:49 It is said, cleanliness is Godliness.
15:53 And that's exactly what we're talking about here.
15:58 Shared business transactions is another concern that women have.
16:04 Many times, husbands will take responsibility for
16:09 what needs to happen in the home in terms of the way
16:12 the business structure is set up.
16:14 But some husbands really don't include their wives.
16:18 And so, the wives have very little knowledge
16:20 of what is going on.
16:22 And they have a need, God forbid something were to
16:25 happen to some husbands, the wives wouldn't know where to go
16:30 and what to do.
16:31 My dad passed away many years now.
16:39 And I'll never forget, a gentleman in our community
16:44 came to my mom and said my dad was owing him some lumber.
16:50 My father was a builder.
16:52 And that my dad had borrowed some lumber from him and
16:56 he wanted them back.
16:58 But because of the relationship between my mom and my dad,
17:02 where they shared everything and they talked about
17:04 these kinds of stuff, my mom was able to look the gentleman
17:09 in the eye and said, "Listen, every transaction that my
17:12 husband enters into, he discusses it with me.
17:15 So if he had borrowed lumber from you,
17:17 certainly I would know about it. "
17:19 And you know something, the gentleman didn't protest.
17:22 He turned around and he walked back out of the house.
17:25 He was trying to extort her because she's now a widow.
17:31 But it was a good thing that my dad
17:35 was the dad who shared with her.
17:38 And that's what we are talking about.
17:40 Sometimes there are secret transactions
17:43 that husbands get into.
17:45 It could be that they think, well, they don't want to
17:47 burden their wives with the information.
17:48 Or whatever the rationale is.
17:50 The reality is, wives need to know what is going on
17:54 in your financial world.
17:56 And husbands should discuss this with them.
18:01 Making adequate financial provision for the family
18:07 is important.
18:09 It is your responsibility, men, to see to it that your home,
18:15 your family is adequately cared for.
18:19 That's part of your God given responsibility.
18:23 And you're to make provision. You're to say to yourself,
18:27 "God forbid, if I should pass on, what will happen
18:33 to my family?"
18:34 What will happen to your family?
18:36 Ask yourself that question and re-examine
18:40 all the provisions that you have put down,
18:43 and see if things are really in place.
18:46 And sit down, talk with your spouse.
18:49 Share with her and plan together.
18:53 But yes, wives are saying that they want their husbands
18:57 to make adequate plans in these areas.
19:01 We're saying there should be mutual exchange
19:03 of information in the relationship.
19:05 And it's not enough for the husband to do a good job
19:09 and exclude his wife from that information.
19:13 It's a part of the security that she gets.
19:15 And she needs to know that the family is adequately cared for.
19:20 And that the business transactions are
19:23 honest and mutually agreed on.
19:29 When we were talking about what husbands want wives to know,
19:31 we said that husbands want wives to be specific.
19:36 Now we are talking about what wives want husbands to hear.
19:41 And the wives are saying that they want them to notice
19:46 the little extra things that they do for them.
19:49 The little extra things that they do for them.
19:52 Many times, wives go the extra mile.
19:57 And if they're not careful, they almost care for their
20:00 husbands like they're caring for their sons.
20:02 And sometimes, husbands don't necessarily show gratification
20:08 or appreciation for these things.
20:10 They almost take it for granted.
20:11 So wives are saying, "Say thank you. "
20:15 Say, "What you did last week when you picked up my
20:19 coats at the laundry or when you fixed my favorite dish,
20:25 I really appreciated that. "
20:27 Fixed my favorite dish...
20:30 You have a way, there are certain things that I like.
20:34 You're an excellent cook, and I thank God for that.
20:38 But you just know there's something that I love.
20:42 It's called Noodle Pudding. I'm not going to go into the
20:45 recipe of that, but it's just something I love.
20:48 And Honey knows when to fix it for me.
20:52 And every time she fixes that dish, she's accustomed to
20:57 hear me telling her "thanks" and show appreciation.
21:01 But anytime she fixes that meal, that appreciation and that
21:06 "thank you" is bigger and better, because I just love
21:09 when you do that for me.
21:10 Thank you.
21:11 And that's what we're saying.
21:13 Don't take it for granted even though you might say,
21:16 "This is the role she's playing in the family and this is what
21:19 she should be doing. "
21:20 The reality is, you want to appreciate it and you want to
21:23 say "thank you" for the things that she spends her time doing.
21:28 Women are asking men, wives want husbands to know
21:33 that they're to admire them and they are to affirm them.
21:38 Admiration and affirmation goes a long way for women.
21:44 It's not enough to say, "Well, I've been married to you,
21:46 I pay the bills, I take care of things around the house.
21:49 "What else do you want from me. "
21:51 You're my lover. You are my intimate partner.
21:55 You need to verbally affirm me.
21:59 And so, women are saying they want to hear from you
22:03 "I love you" or "You are such a gift in my life. "
22:08 Something that allows them to feel valued.
22:12 Well, I just love that blouse you have on.
22:18 It's very beautiful and I like it.
22:21 It looks good on you.
22:23 Thank you.
22:24 And I love your smile. It melts my heart.
22:31 The idea is, you want to affirm each other.
22:32 Find something pleasant to say to lift the spirit.
22:36 And to get each other feeling good about the relationship.
22:40 On a serious note, one of the ugly arguments that I heard
22:46 between two colleague's happened at a wedding.
22:51 The husband saw a former friend or an old schoolmate.
22:58 And just began to admire the way she looked
23:03 and the dress she had on. And he was ranting and raving
23:07 over how beautiful she was. And was just going on.
23:11 And after the lady left, the wife took an offense to that.
23:17 And she said, "You know, imagine, here I am.
23:20 I have this brand new dress. I went to the hairdresser
23:23 and I did my hair and I put myself together
23:26 for this wedding. And when I was in the home,
23:28 you never said I look good. When I left, here we are
23:31 at the wedding and you never once look at me and say
23:34 I look good. But now you see this lady
23:37 and you're willing and ready to tell her
23:39 how gorgeous she looks. " Etc, etc.
23:42 And she really threw a fit on that one.
23:47 Now it seems quite appropriate that the husband could
23:50 appreciate the look of somebody else.
23:53 But the problem was he didn't take the time to value or
23:57 appreciate the way his wife looked.
23:59 So what we are saying men is you don't want to do that.
24:02 You want to underscore, you want to make sure
24:04 that you give the flowers while your wife is alive.
24:07 And you want to say, "Honey, you look really dashing. "
24:13 What wives want husbands to hear.
24:15 That's what we're talking about.
24:16 And they're saying, don't lust after other women.
24:23 We're in an age where a lot of lusting and flirting goes on.
24:30 And it's important for me to speak to you on this matter.
24:36 Because many homes have been destroyed as a result of this.
24:41 So, what wives are asking is for you not to lust
24:45 after other women. When we spoke about
24:47 what husbands want, we mentioned this, we spoke about this also.
24:51 Because it's a symbiotic issue. It's on both sides.
24:54 But now we are speaking to the men,
24:56 don't lust after other women.
24:59 Now we're not saying that husbands cannot have a friend.
25:04 Or speak to another woman.
25:07 But it needs to be a very platonic relationship.
25:11 And it shouldn't be that he's getting any kind of
25:13 senses gratification from the attention he gets or he seeks.
25:17 Because it dishonors his wife and it creates a threat
25:20 to her emotional security.
25:22 A wife wants to know and to feel secure in her relationship.
25:26 And while it is a cognitive process, it also is supported by
25:30 the behavior of the husband.
25:32 So if he's flirtatious, then it unnerves her
25:35 and creates concerns.
25:38 Let's take a look at the Word of God.
25:40 Let's go to Matthew 5:28. Let's read together.
26:02 The Bible is very clear, we need not comment on that.
26:07 We have been talking about what wives want husbands to hear.
26:11 And we have said:
26:13 Share childcare responsibility.
26:16 Listen to them.
26:17 Do not allow problems to continue and not be resolved.
26:25 Show affection consistently.
26:27 Share in their business transactions.
26:30 Notice the little extra things they do for them.
26:34 They like to be admired and affirmed.
26:38 Don't lust after other women.
26:41 The final point we'd like to make is,
26:44 wives are asking husbands to be God-centered.
26:48 To make sure that they're not just wearing
26:53 the label "high priest", but that they are sustaining
26:57 a spiritual and religious experience.
27:00 So that they can truly be the "high priest" in their homes.
27:07 Ephesians 4:32 says,
27:10 "Be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another"
27:17 While we talk about what we want each other to know,
27:20 It is most important to know what God wants from us.
27:25 And that is, God wants us to surrender our hearts.
27:28 Marriage in God's hands is the most essential
27:33 and important ingredient in our society.
27:36 May God bless your marriage.
27:37 May you continue to put it in His hands.
27:40 Husbands, love your wives.
27:42 Wives, love your husbands.
27:44 And may God bless you both.