Participants: June Smith, Alanzo Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000046
00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I am Alanzo Smith, and this is my wife June Smith.
00:37 We have been married for 31 years.
00:41 And we have been doing a lot of marriage counseling,
00:44 retreats and seminars all over the world.
00:48 And what we're going to do for you today,
00:51 we're going to bring some of those things that we have
00:58 gleaned from these seminars and let you know.
01:01 What's the interesting topic that we have for today?
01:04 What husbands want wives to know.
01:09 Wow! Before we go into that, we're going to have prayer.
01:14 June, would you pray?
01:17 Father, we thank You so much for love.
01:20 We thank You for the sacrifices You've made
01:24 to redeem our families.
01:25 We pray for our husbands. We pray for our wives.
01:29 We pray that Your Holy Spirit will fill them with Your grace.
01:33 And Lord we ask that when You come,
01:36 all our families will be saved.
01:38 In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.
01:42 What husbands want wives to know.
01:48 Well, well, well, as a husband, I want to hear.
01:52 Well, what would be the first thing you would say that
01:57 we husbands want our wives to know?
02:02 I think before we say that, we might say that there,
02:06 in the recent times, there is some research that suggests that
02:11 there are differences between men and women.
02:15 And as a result, sometimes the outcomes influence
02:21 our understanding of our relationships or how
02:26 men and women differ and how and where they're similar.
02:31 And what I have noticed also, as we have done our seminars
02:37 and working with couples in therapy sessions that sometimes
02:43 it's not major things that cause problems in marriages.
02:49 But sometimes it's simple things, little things.
02:53 Songs of Solomon describes it as
02:57 the little fox that spoils the vine.
03:01 And so we're saying that sometimes it's just some
03:05 little things that cause marriages to fall apart.
03:10 One of the things that I hear men talk about frequently
03:13 is the issue of money.
03:16 They have problems with, or most of the men that we surveyed,
03:21 had problems with the way their wives spend.
03:25 The way their wives usually spend outside of the budget.
03:30 So they want them to live within their budget.
03:32 That's one of their concerns. That women, for most of the men
03:35 we spoke to, at least, think that women just like to spend.
03:38 They don't want to be constrained.
03:40 They don't want to be told, "this is all I have".
03:43 It almost like they expect their husbands to have
03:45 an unending resource financially.
03:48 And so they want us to encourage women to understand that
03:53 there is always just a limited amount of money.
03:58 And so you can't just go shop until you drop.
04:01 Well, why don't we encourage you ladies,
04:04 you wives that are listening to us.
04:07 In reality, there are some things you can do without.
04:11 There are some things you need. There is necessity, and there's
04:15 some things that you can do without.
04:18 Some dangers that we need to look at.
04:21 Mail order catalogs, the use of credit cards, borrowing money.
04:26 Those are areas that we need to look at.
04:29 Talking about the credit card, I have to share this with you.
04:36 I was in line at a store some time ago,
04:39 and there was this lady right in front of me.
04:42 And she had a whole cart of stuff that she had taken up,
04:48 things that she was buying. When she got to the cash
04:51 register, she pulled out about 7 or 8 different credit cards.
04:57 And each one that she gave to the lady
05:03 had just a few dollars on it. And so what she had to do was
05:07 card, after card, after card, to pay for the goods
05:11 she had in front of her. She was maxing out each card
05:13 to get to the total amount. And the funny thing about it,
05:18 after using about 8 or 9 cards, she still couldn't pay for the
05:21 things she had. She had to put back some.
05:23 And her response or her remark was, "Well, it means I just
05:27 need to get another card.
05:29 That is certainly not healthy. And God has made us stewards
05:34 of the resources He has blessed us with.
05:38 And He wants us to be able to live within our means.
05:42 To buy the things that we need, not always the things we want.
05:46 I like what Timothy says in Timothy 6:6-8,
06:11 That's a good encouragement. In a materialistic society,
06:16 it is a challenge for some families.
06:18 So we're encouraging our friends to adhere to their
06:23 husbands requests to live within our means.
06:27 Don't nag.
06:28 We're talking about what husbands want wives to know.
06:31 Don't nag.
06:34 I think before we say anything about this topic, we should
06:37 go to the word of God and hear what the Bible has to say.
06:40 Here's the first text we're going to put up for you.
06:56 And Proverbs 21:19 says,
07:10 That speaks volumes.
07:14 You know, there are some women who
07:16 wake up in the morning and they are nagging.
07:20 They go through the day and they're nagging.
07:23 And it's time to go to bed and they're nagging.
07:25 And some will go through the night nagging.
07:28 And I think that's what the Bible is talking about
07:30 when it says "a continual dropping on a very rainy day
07:34 and a contentious woman are alike. "
07:37 This constant nagging, nagging.
07:40 So what you are saying is that men, husbands,
07:44 are asking their wives not to nag.
07:49 They think that it is annoying.
07:54 The Bible talks about Abraham and an encounter with the Angel.
08:03 And Abraham asks the Angel if there were 50 righteous
08:07 would he destroy the city? And then he went to 45.
08:11 Then 40, 35. All the way down to 10.
08:16 The question that I'm asking, is this nagging or is it appealing?
08:21 Is there a difference between appealing and nagging?
08:25 There seems to be a need to appeal for what you're asking.
08:34 It might be perceived as nagging.
08:37 Now, I think men might think the woman is nagging
08:42 but the woman might think she's merely
08:45 trying to justify her request.
08:48 Ok, but a request is different from a constant barrage of...
08:56 I guess the bottom line of what we're saying is,
08:58 know when to quit.
09:00 You can't just make your point
09:03 over and over and over endlessly.
09:06 You have to get to the point where you stop.
09:09 That's what men are asking women to do.
09:13 The next thing that men are asking of women
09:18 or of their wives is avoid gossiping.
09:23 Somehow, men don't like when their wives get involved in
09:28 transmitting information too much.
09:32 Especially if it relates to things in the family.
09:36 They don't like that women take information and tell their
09:41 best friends or tell their family members
09:44 what's going on in the home. Men would rather you keep
09:48 what happens in the family within the confines of the home.
09:53 Gossiping, there's a funny thing about gossiping,
09:56 is that you never repeat the story the way it is.
10:01 I remember when I was a kid, we use to play a game,
10:04 maybe 8, 9, 10 of us would line up in a straight line.
10:09 And the first child would say something and whisper something
10:16 in the ear of that child. And they were to whisper
10:18 to the next child, all the way up to the tenth child.
10:21 And when it got to the tenth child they would ask,
10:23 "What did you hear?" And it's amazing, every time
10:26 what the tenth child said and what was said to the first child
10:30 is completely different.
10:32 And that's a classic example of gossiping.
10:35 I think we have all played that game and you're right.
10:37 It never comes out the way the message was sent.
10:41 So men really don't want their wives to be involved in gossip.
10:48 Matthew 12:34 says,
11:01 And Proverbs 18:21 says,
11:16 There's a Chinese proverb that I think is interesting.
11:19 And we're not advocating, by any means,
11:23 violence or anything, but to make a point...
11:25 The proverb says,
11:28 "He who listens to gossip is just as guilty
11:32 as the one who tells it. Both should be hanged.
11:37 One by the tongue and the other by the ear. "
11:41 Again, we are not advocating physical violence.
11:44 Please, we are not.
11:46 But there's a point to that Chinese proverb.
11:48 And the point is, the person who tells the gossip
11:51 and the one who listens to the gossip,
11:54 are just as guilty in the eyes of God.
11:56 We're talking about marriage in God's hands.
11:59 And husbands are saying, "In order for us to have
12:03 happy, healthy marriages, there are some things they would want
12:05 their wives to know and not to do.
12:07 And one of them is not to gossip.
12:10 Another is they want their wives to be Godly.
12:11 To be Christ centered.
12:13 To help them establish and maintain a Christian home
12:19 where they model the attitude and character of Christ.
12:22 And where they try to implant the image of Christ
12:27 in the hearts of their children.
12:31 That's important because the Bible says children
12:34 are a heritage of the Lord.
12:37 And it is the kind of care that we give to our children,
12:42 and in this case I'm talking about spiritual care,
12:45 that will reap dividends in years to come.
12:49 And most of all life everlasting.
12:52 So, although the husband is the high priest in the home,
12:55 and it is his responsibility to command his household
12:59 after righteousness, he's asking that his wife joins him and
13:05 be his partner, ensuring that the family alter is maintained
13:10 and that the home maintains a spiritual atmosphere.
13:14 Well, the next one we're going to talk about is
13:16 don't be flirtatious. And we have a lot more
13:18 that we want to share with you.
13:21 What husbands want wives to know.
13:23 You husbands, don't go away. You wives, you need to listen.
13:26 Stay right there, because we're going to be right back
13:29 to talk with you.
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13:43 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple.
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14:15 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands.
14:19 We have been talking about what husbands want wives to know.
14:24 And so far, we have been bringing up a number of
14:28 things that husbands what their wives to know.
14:31 We said at the break we're going to talk about the next one.
14:34 Don't be flirtatious.
14:37 Why is it husbands want their wives to know that one?
14:42 It appears that husbands would like their wives to be loyal.
14:48 They don't like their wives to play around with other men.
14:54 They want them to act decently, to ensure that other men
15:01 are aware that they are married and not to send double messages.
15:06 Some women like the attention, and they sometimes go too far.
15:12 And when a woman flirts, she cheapens her husband.
15:18 When you flirt, you cheapen your husband.
15:22 When the Bible says you leave mother and father,
15:25 and you cleave, the notion of cleaving
15:29 can have no flirtatious living. So husbands are saying,
15:33 "Wives, please, don't flirt. We don't want you to flirt. "
15:38 Another concern that men seem to have, is they would like
15:42 their wives to declutter.
15:46 Now, it appears that this is an issue for some women.
15:50 I would say a lot of women.
15:53 But men seem to have a concern. And so, the men that we spoke to
15:57 in many of the seminars that we have done said, "Would you ask
16:00 most of the women to throw out things that they're not using?"
16:06 You know, one man said his wife had dresses from college days.
16:12 And her goal is that one day, she intends to
16:15 fit in those dresses.
16:17 It's a good goal, but there may not be space
16:19 to contain those clothes.
16:21 And that seems to be the problem.
16:22 So the husbands would like wives to not just throw out
16:27 things that they're not using, but try not to have
16:30 excessive things so the space is overcrowded.
16:35 And tied to decluttering, wives also, it's your responsibility
16:40 to make your bedroom an inviting place.
16:43 Sometimes the bedroom is not the best of places.
16:47 And you can really put it together.
16:49 Your home on a whole should be an inviting place.
16:53 It should be a place when you're heading home, you feel good.
16:56 You want to get home, you want to stay home.
16:58 Because it breaths an atmosphere of cleanliness.
17:02 And remember, cleanliness is Godliness.
17:07 Husbands also want their wives to care for them.
17:11 Not just to love them and to say, "I love you. "
17:14 But to demonstrate that in the way you care for them.
17:18 So husbands are asking wives to show interest in their husbands.
17:23 In things that their husbands are interested in.
17:26 And to show interest in their husbands self care.
17:30 You know, some husbands try and really do a good job
17:34 of coordinating their colors and taking care of themselves.
17:38 But sometimes they need the attention of their wives.
17:42 And they're asking for it even though sometimes
17:44 some of them reject it.
17:47 That's true, you know it is a fact that sometimes
17:52 we men, our color coordination is a bit off.
17:57 That tie that we put on with that shirt is kind of off.
18:01 Or that shirt we choose to wear with that jacket is kind of off.
18:06 And sometimes we kind of need that feminine touch.
18:09 So yes, we are asking for the help but when we get it,
18:14 we should not resist it. We should accept it graciously.
18:18 Because the ladies can really help to put ourselves together.
18:22 As you're saying that, I think of a gentleman I had a
18:24 conversation with at church. And he was telling me that
18:27 his wife tries, his wife usually on a Sabbath morning when he
18:31 gets dressed, his wife would say, "Honey, that doesn't go
18:34 well together. "
18:35 But he says, "I just still wear it. "
18:39 He doesn't see what's wrong with it.
18:41 And I had to smile, because at least he was admitting that
18:44 she attempted to help him.
18:48 Let me make it abundantly clear.
18:50 We're not asking you couples to be materialistic.
18:54 We're not asking you to be gaudy and what have you, no.
18:57 Not at all. We're saying,
18:59 whatever it is, as humble as you choose to dress,
19:03 that's your choice. But whatever it is,
19:04 we can put it together. If we're going to church,
19:07 we don't just want to go any way.
19:09 We're going to worship the Great Almighty God.
19:12 And we should bring our best self.
19:15 And the best way we can put our self together,
19:17 no matter what it is, we can put it together, and we can
19:20 coordinate, and we can look good.
19:21 We represent a great God.
19:24 And it's not just at church, the way we present ourselves.
19:26 So, a husband when he sees his wife in public, for example,
19:30 she should be nicely dressed.
19:31 She should be coordinated herself.
19:33 And so should he.
19:35 So women are saying they'd like their husband, not just to
19:39 pull on a t-shirt or a sweater and go, but make sure it's
19:44 nicely put together and coordinated.
19:46 Different occasions call for different dressing.
19:53 Well, here's another one that men want women to know.
19:56 Be specific when giving praise.
20:00 In other words, don't be generalized and say,
20:03 "Well, you know, thanks everything. "
20:07 Yes you're saying thanks, but you could be
20:10 a little more specific.
20:12 For example, how can we be more specific?
20:16 Men tend to be pretty concrete. Not all men, but some men.
20:20 And they want to hear what you are praising them for.
20:23 You know, it's so funny because I spoke to a man who said
20:28 whenever his wife praised him, he would say, "How much?"
20:32 He always thought there was some request
20:35 that was following the praise.
20:36 So you don't want to be so predictable.
20:38 But what men are saying is tell us what you are praising us for.
20:41 So if you're saying...
20:43 "Thank you for washing the car. "
20:46 Or putting petrol in the car or whatever
20:48 you're saying thanks for.
20:50 "I appreciate you going to the bank for me. "
20:52 Be very specific, call out. Identify what the issue is
20:56 rather just saying. Well, you're listening to us.
21:00 Maybe your spouse is sitting beside you.
21:03 Turn to your spouse and try that now.
21:05 Something that your spouse did for you today, yesterday,
21:08 or some other time. Just say, be very specific,
21:11 "I thank you for... " And name that thing.
21:14 Go right ahead. Don't be blushed.
21:16 Come on, try it. See, it sounds good.
21:18 Alright, let's move on.
21:21 Accept yourself for who you are.
21:25 That's important. Ladies, it's important
21:29 for you to accept yourself.
21:31 Sometimes you get too carried away.
21:33 You want to be this person, you want to be that person.
21:36 You have to learn to accept yourself for who you are.
21:42 So what a husband is saying is don't compare yourself with
21:44 other women.
21:45 Whoever you are, if you have concerns about
21:48 your own personal hood, then do something about it.
21:50 But be comfortable in your own skin.
21:52 And feel good about yourself. He loves you for who you are.
21:58 And you need to love yourself as well.
22:01 I like what the poet Matthew Arnold says.
22:04 He says, "Resolve to be thyself. And know that he who finds
22:09 himself, loses his misery. "
22:12 And that is so true. Just be yourself.
22:16 That's what God wants.
22:18 I like the quote from St. Francis of Assisi
22:21 who says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things
22:28 I cannot change, the courage to change
22:31 the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. "
22:36 There are things that we can't change.
22:38 It's just what is.
22:40 But what husbands are saying is, live within your reality.
22:46 That's good. That is good.
22:49 Bad judgments when it comes to business transactions
22:53 is something that men want to emphasize.
22:58 What men are saying, including the one sitting beside you
23:02 right there, yes, when you make bad judgments,
23:06 then it limits their ability to keep including you in the
23:12 decision making process. You have to show good judgment.
23:16 There are a lot of things going around now, risky investments.
23:21 Have you gotten any of those emails
23:24 that talk about you can invest? There's some rich person
23:29 who died and they have left them with millions of dollars.
23:32 And if you send them $50,000 you'll get a million and a half?
23:39 Run away from them. It's not true, it's a hoax.
23:45 And trust me, you are going to lose your $50,000
23:48 or whatever it is. As a matter of fact,
23:50 I personally know of individuals who have invested in those
23:53 kinds of schemes and they have lost it.
23:56 So we are saying, stay away from it.
23:58 Men are asking women not to make bad business decisions.
24:05 Another concern that husbands have, and we're talking about
24:10 bad judgments. And one is that sometimes
24:13 wives overspend to the extent that they
24:16 rationalize the use of the tithe.
24:19 And so we're asking that wives understand that their
24:24 commitment to Christ is paramount and that they
24:28 need to stay within the confines of their resources
24:31 so that they do not use the offering or the tithe.
24:36 And that's a very important issue to talk about.
24:39 When God blesses us, and when God blesses you,
24:44 you're to be faithful to Him. And you're to remember that
24:49 that faithfulness includes returning your faithful tithe
24:56 and giving your freewill offering.
24:58 It's part of your God given responsibility and you
25:00 should not put yourself in such a financial bind
25:03 that you have to compromise on that which is God's.
25:07 Co-signing is another bad judgment.
25:10 Often times, a woman may rationalize, "Well, if I tell
25:14 my husband that my relatives need me to co-sign,
25:20 or a friend, a very good friend, he might say no. "
25:23 So what you might do is go behind his back
25:25 and co-sign anyway.
25:27 Remember, when you co-sign for someone,
25:30 that loan becomes yours. What you're saying is,
25:34 "If anything goes wrong, I will take up the responsibility. "
25:37 And if your husband should go to do business,
25:40 and he's going to take out a loan or whatever,
25:42 any transaction, it will show up on your report.
25:46 So, if you hide it, he will find out.
25:49 It's just a bad risky decision to make.
25:53 We need to emphasize again about anything that a man
25:58 would want a woman to know, is that she should be Godly.
26:03 We spoke about Godliness with contentment is a great thing.
26:08 You should be Godly. You should be spiritual.
26:11 A spiritual woman can make a home a happy home.
26:16 Here's what God wants from us.
26:19 John 13:34 says, "Love one another as I have loved you. "
26:27 How has God loved us?
26:29 He has loved us by giving us His life.
26:32 And He's asking us for our obedience in return.
26:38 Marriages, when placed in God's hands will demonstrate
26:44 love for each other.
26:46 "Love one another as I have loved you. "
26:48 Romans 14:13 says, "Let us not judge one another anymore. "
26:56 The notion of "anymore" means that it has been happening.
26:59 Why should we not judge?
27:02 Again, judging sets ourselves up as superior,
27:07 where God is the only judge. And while we make mistakes,
27:11 and we might cause error, we don't want to be the judge.
27:14 So we want to love each other, support each other,
27:17 and encourage each other.
27:19 So what husbands want from wives, want wives to know:
27:22 Live within your means.
27:24 Don't nag. Don't gossip.
27:26 Don't be flirtatious. Be specific in giving praise.
27:31 Accept yourself for who you are.
27:33 Bad judgment and unwise decisions are bad for business.
27:37 And above all, be a Godly woman.
27:41 Be faithful to your family.
27:43 Keep strong and may God bless you.