Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000026
00:31 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:34 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:37 Today we're talking about: you too can have
00:40 a marriage that's heart to heart!
00:42 So, we hope you have a paper and pencil
00:43 as we begin today's session.
00:47 Yes we can! We've proved it haven't we?
00:50 Yes! We can have a marriage
00:53 heart to heart!
00:55 They can have one too, can't they?
00:58 It's for everyone!
01:00 It's not exclusive!
01:01 But we've talked over this last number of weeks and months
01:07 about simple ways that each one of us can experience
01:11 a marriage that's truly heart to heart,
01:13 heart to heart with God and heart to heart with the one
01:17 that God has given us to spend our lives with.
01:20 So, we're gonna talk this time,
01:24 this is actually our final program for the series and
01:27 we're going to go back and look at some of the things
01:30 just to recap what God has done and wants to do
01:36 in your experience!
01:37 I like what you say: what God can do!
01:40 God can, He's the initiator of love!
01:43 And e can rekindle that love! - That's right!
01:46 He can rekindle that romance!
01:48 He can make it new again!
01:49 He can build security in a marriage He'll trust!
01:53 And that's all what God can do!
01:55 if we are willing to cooperate with Him!
01:57 With Him all things are possible!
01:59 That's right! And we have seen
02:02 marriages first hand through our own
02:06 communication with the people
02:08 dead, dying marriages,
02:11 Some that were ready to go on to the divorce courts.
02:15 We have seen those people
02:18 turn from marriages that were nearly destroyed
02:24 and be revitalized to be revived and restored.
02:28 And today they are marriages that are truly
02:31 heart to heart with God and one another!
02:34 And that's encouraging!
02:36 We've seen it in our own marriage! We had to,
02:38 not that we were heading for divorce but
02:40 we hit some pretty hard bombs at the beginning!
02:42 - That's right! - And we had to go back
02:44 and start renewing what it was
02:47 at the beginning of our relationship,
02:49 knowing that God was leading in that.
02:51 And to build from that point on, stop trying to be right,
02:55 stop trying to argue my point and get it away my way,
02:59 not any way but my way,
03:01 and see what God can do when we're
03:04 willing to work together with Him!
03:06 That's right!
03:08 We need to go right back to the beginning of the series
03:10 because we talked about there
03:13 how we could learn to become one.
03:16 And, you know, one of the things that
03:20 made an impression on me and I think some of,
03:22 probably many of our viewing audience
03:26 remember an old, old story:
03:29 Johnny Lingo.
03:31 How he came to an island and he was
03:35 looking for a wife. And if you remember the story
03:39 it's a very simple but very touching story.
03:43 On that island the native peoples there
03:46 they measured the value of the woman
03:49 that was going to be married in cows.
03:52 And, you know, they were sitting around talking about
03:56 how many cows their man had paid for them.
04:01 And Johnny Lingo comes and he finds this girl who
04:05 apparently is quit homely, shy, intimidated because of
04:09 how she had been beaten down.
04:11 Her whole life she had been beaten down and made to be,
04:14 feel like she had no self worth, no self dignity.
04:19 But Johnny Lingo saw in her
04:21 the deep things that no one else was seeing.
04:25 And you may remember if you ever saw
04:27 this or heard the story that he ended up paying
04:31 ten cows for her.
04:33 And you know, all the women of the village
04:35 were talking about, well: "She might get one cow,
04:38 or maybe two cows! ", you know.
04:40 They were four cow women and there was a five cow woman or
04:43 always different, they were bragging about
04:46 how many cows. And Johnny Lingo comes with
04:49 ten cows. And obviously her father
04:52 when he sees this
04:55 passes out from the shock of
04:57 how the value that he's putting on his daughter
05:00 to marry her. What does he see in this
05:02 in this woman?
05:04 And then he takes her away for the
05:07 the time of their honeymoon and the
05:09 time to becoming acquainted, "the two shall become one".
05:14 And when she comes back
05:16 she's hardly recognized by the people of the village because
05:20 now this woman who has been downtrodden
05:22 and has no self worth
05:25 is beautiful because Johnny Lingo has seen the beauty
05:29 of this woman.
05:30 And the message doesn't need to be lost on us!
05:35 I don't care what you have gone through,
05:38 where you find yourself in your marriage,
05:40 we can begin and ideally both husband and wife begin
05:45 to place the real value that God has on us
05:49 and the real desire of what He can make us
05:52 as husband and wives we can have
05:54 a marriage that's heart to heart!
05:57 And so, when we begin with "the two shall become one"
06:02 we talk there about how that can happen, how we need to
06:07 allow God to work in us that
06:09 I can make a view the things God wants me to help you
06:13 to become the woman that God wants you to be and vice versa.
06:17 That's what marriage is about, it's to improve
06:19 both of us, right? - That's right!
06:20 And so we're no longer Me! It's the "us focus"!
06:23 - That's right! - And that's what we talked
06:25 about next: how do we move from what I want and my focus,
06:30 my selfishness in the marriage to think about how
06:33 the decisions and the things we do
06:35 affect us in the marriage. Our communication
06:38 how we spend our money all these things
06:41 that are very important in a marriage
06:44 that it's done mutually:
06:46 Us! - That's right!
06:48 Our thoughts are about us instead
06:50 of just myself, or just yourself!
06:51 And I think, you know, when we got into the marriage
06:55 first of all we didn't understand the two "me's"
06:58 we didn't understand the strong "me focus".
07:01 And God began to show us. And when I was
07:05 thinking about the two becoming one
07:08 it was fitting you into my lifestyle.
07:11 I didn't understand! I didn't mean to be that way but
07:14 because I was in the "me focus" I was trying to fit you
07:17 into my lifestyle! I wanted to keep all of my old things
07:20 going and just integrate you into it!
07:22 I wasn't thinking about how you were feeling
07:25 or what it meant to you. So we needed to learn
07:28 to move from that "me focus" to the "us focus".
07:32 Which began to lead us into that enduring commitment
07:36 which we began to talk about in that program
07:40 how we can have an enduring commitment.
07:43 Because when we made our vows, those vows
07:46 said that they were enduring Till Death Do Us Part!
07:50 But is that how we're relating in our marriage?
07:53 Is that the way that we're treating one another?
07:56 We need to allow God to make that
07:59 an enduring commitment for our marriage!
08:01 What is true love? We talked about that also.
08:05 1 Corinthians 13: "Love bears all things,
08:08 love believes all things, love endures all things
08:11 and love hopes for all things! "
08:13 And that's what we need in our marriages!
08:15 With God working in my heart, with God working
08:18 in the heart of my husband,
08:19 our marriages truly can be heart to heart!
08:22 And little things will not irritate us and
08:25 we don't have to argue our way through things
08:27 to try to be right! True love will endure
08:31 a difference of opinion! True love will be spontaneous
08:36 to love that other person in the most difficult moments!
08:40 That's right!
08:42 Ands taking that 1 Corinthians 13 and making it
08:45 practical has had a powerful influence in our marriage.
08:49 You know, there's so much, even in professed Christianity
08:52 today that we know and say about the Bible,
08:55 God's Word, our Guide, the Lamp unto our feet
08:58 and a light unto our path!
09:00 But let's take some of these simple passages.
09:03 It's called the Love Chapter and rightly so.
09:06 But it's not enough! I used to have, you know memorized
09:09 but that didn't really do any practical good
09:12 in our marriage did it? I even
09:15 wrote you for if you remember
09:17 a paraphrase of that Love Chapter.
09:20 - Personalized it! - I personalized it!
09:22 But God needed to bring that personalized into my life!
09:26 And I just wanna entreat you that if you want
09:29 to have that experience of what true love is,
09:32 take 1 Corinthians and ask God to make it a personal,
09:36 practical part of your love experience.
09:39 So, we will learn to be patient with one another.
09:41 - That's right! - We learn to be kind and gentle
09:44 And then that lead us into our next part of the series
09:48 in developing respect. And you and I have recognized
09:52 how little respect many people have in their marriages.
09:55 And it's not because they mean for to happen that way!
09:58 It's because it just isn't there!
10:01 They respect other people, they respect the people
10:04 at the bank or at the grocery store,
10:06 or their employer, their fellow employees
10:10 but when it comes to the husband and wife respect
10:12 it really hasn't been there.
10:14 And we need to cultivate that
10:16 and develop that in our marriage.
10:18 And as that's been developing in our marriage
10:21 you respect my opinions on things and my perspectives.
10:24 That wasn't always the case early on!
10:26 - That's right! - And I also respect
10:28 your opinions and your understanding of things.
10:31 And so that respect will also then be countered
10:36 with restraint in ourselves.
10:39 That's the only way it can happen, if I really respect you
10:42 I will learn to be restraint of the spirit
10:44 to be determined not to injure you
10:46 by my words or my actions or my passions.
10:50 That's right!
10:52 So, respect and restraint really go hand in hand!
10:55 They're inseparable! If we really respect each other
10:58 then we will allow the Lord to restrain us.
11:00 And in that restraint He will make us new people.
11:03 It's not gonna: "Ok I'm not gonna say this right now!"
11:05 it's gonna change how we think!
11:08 So those responses don't even wanna come up!
11:11 Yes! So, does that mean we just bite our tongue?
11:14 No! We may have to at the beginning!
11:16 That's right! 'Cause I can remember sometimes
11:19 when the Lord has helped me develop respect
11:21 and cultivate that restraint but there were times that
11:25 everything inside of me wanted to say it but I
11:28 bit my tongue so to speak!
11:30 But God began to show us that when He's working in us
11:34 we don't have to bite our tongues!
11:36 And God will show you that too as we move forward
11:40 in developing respect and cultivating restraint
11:44 God will show us that His power
11:46 can go beyond biting our tongues
11:49 and change us from the inside out!
11:51 And you know, it may seem like biting our tongue at first.
11:53 It's because it's our natural response.
11:55 But it may be the call of the Spirit that we wanna say it
11:59 but we're willing to be restraint of the spirit.
12:01 And it may feel like it's a biting of the tongue initially
12:04 but as we get accustom to responding to
12:07 the Spirit of Christ calling to our hearts
12:09 it's no longer a difficult restraint
12:13 or a biting of the tongue the feeling like I can't.
12:15 It's a desire to be surrendered to that still small voice
12:21 and to know that God has something better for us!
12:24 Yes! And that led us into then talking about
12:28 making the best of the roles in marriage
12:31 and really getting the highest
12:35 out of those roles. Rather than it being in contention
12:38 and trying to take over each other's roles
12:41 we went back to the beginning. We looked at how
12:43 God just established the original roles
12:48 for man and woman and how sin came in and affected those
12:51 roles and then how God has worked to restore that
12:55 in the marriage through the years.
12:57 It's not that one is less than the other
12:59 but God has given us distinctive roles in the marriage
13:02 for the betterment of both husband and wife.
13:04 And as I've learned to be a submissive wife in the Lord
13:09 to you I found the joy of what true
13:11 womanhood can be in a marriage!
13:14 Yes! And it's been an encouragement to me to be
13:16 the man who truly loves his wife as Christ loved the Church
13:20 and gave Himself for it!
13:22 But we need to take a break right now.
13:24 We hoe you'll stay with us!
13:26 We'll be back in just a moment to continue talking
13:29 about how you can have a marriage heart to heart!
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14:14 Welcome back where we were talking about
14:16 how we can make our marriages heart to heart.
14:19 In this closing program of our series we've been
14:22 just going back and recapping the main points
14:25 of how this can be a reality in each of our marriages!
14:29 So finding forgiveness is a very vital part
14:32 of having a marriage heart to heart!
14:33 - Absolutely! - Learning to say
14:35 "I'm sorry honey! Will you forgive me?"
14:37 And be specific about what it is
14:39 that I've done to offend you! - That's right!
14:41 And the offering true forgiveness
14:44 in my heart even if you don't ask me to be forgiving.
14:48 That's very important and that leads us
14:50 then to the next program where we talked about
14:54 the grave for faults.
14:58 Your faults should find a grave in my heart,
15:01 they shouldn't be given to other people.
15:04 It should be a sheltering love that we have for each other
15:07 that we don't talk about the faults of one another out there
15:10 to other people who don't understand those situations.
15:14 Or even to each other. You know, if we only talked about
15:17 what I don't like about you or how you disappoint me
15:21 that's only gonna deteriorate the marriage.
15:24 So, our heart truly should be that grave for faults.
15:28 And not even, you know not that we can't say
15:30 "Honey I'm not sure about this!",
15:31 not that we can't communicate on a very deep an honest level;
15:34 - That's right! - But it should not be
15:36 the focus of our communication.
15:37 And it should not be something that's rehearsed
15:39 over and over and over! Which brings us
15:41 to the next topic that we had.
15:43 It was building our marriage on a Sure Foundation!
15:46 The importance of having the Scriptures,
15:49 guide us in all of the decisions that we make!
15:52 and all of the laws of our home and how we treat one another
15:56 that is truly our Sure Guide, God's Holly Word!
15:59 That's right! And if we will take the Word of God
16:03 off the shelf so to speak,
16:05 of the night stand and we will bring It
16:08 into the practical places of our hearts.
16:11 And allow God to change us! His Word will be
16:14 and has been for us a Sure Foundation
16:17 for a marriage that's heart to heart!
16:19 And if we're in God's Word then we're gonna be desiring
16:23 to be in prayer as well, to meet the needs.
16:26 And so we talked about prayers of love;
16:29 very meaningful that have been a growing
16:32 part of our growing love in our marriage!
16:36 And it's helped us then to develop common goals.
16:40 One of the greatest challenges that couples face today
16:44 is everything around them is so busy.
16:47 And we need to look at what are the goals
16:50 that we have in life and form those goals together!
16:53 Talk about it and expand our thinking from
16:57 getting through a day to where we wanna be in our home
17:00 in our marriage, in our lives together!
17:03 Form those common goals with the Lord Jesus
17:05 and with one another! - Which hen led us into
17:08 setting priorities.
17:10 You know, it' very interesting that sometimes
17:12 priorities get set for us and they almost funnel us into
17:16 what we have to do.
17:17 And we found that if we're going to be successful
17:20 in meeting the goals that we believe are important,
17:23 then we need to set our priorities.
17:25 And carve out the time to make those priorities a reality.
17:30 And for us those priorities that we set
17:34 gave us time to communicate, effective communication.
17:38 That's what we talked about next
17:39 the need for effective communication.
17:42 Without communication we're sure to dissolve
17:46 the love in our hearts for each other.
17:48 Communication is what draws our hearts together
17:50 just like it does with God! When we communicate
17:52 with Him our heart is drawn to Him. And when
17:55 we communicate with each other
17:56 in effective communication our hearts grow closer together.
18:00 Well, part of that effective communication
18:03 was when we talked about "Please Understand Me".
18:06 Do you like to be understood?
18:08 Always! You don't have to agree with me
18:11 but I do like to be understood!
18:12 Yes! And that's something that we found is very important.
18:15 I don't think anybody likes to be misunderstood!
18:20 Taking time to communicate but
18:22 taking time to really understand
18:24 not just to hear, not to finish half uttered sentences
18:29 but taking time to understand what is your wife,
18:33 your husband really trying to say!
18:36 So, then we have to deal with things
18:38 that break communication. And we dealt with those
18:41 in our personal life. We identified some of those areas
18:44 in our life that were communication breakers.
18:47 "You always do this!", "You never!"
18:50 And those types of responses
18:53 although they seem real in the moment
18:55 are untruthful statements.
18:57 And they break down communication.
18:58 We talked about many - That's right!
19:00 things that break communication down.
19:01 Sometimes it's silence, sometimes it's our posture
19:04 so we need to be sensitive that we don't use
19:07 communication breakers but we look for ways
19:10 to effectively communicate. - That's right!
19:13 And one of the most effective ways to build communication
19:18 is to be honest in our communication! Real integrity
19:23 if that's there we call it transparent communication.
19:27 That means there's nothing that I can't talk about with you!
19:31 And that's important, isn't it?
19:34 We couldn't always say that on our marriage!
19:36 No we couldn't! Neither one of us could!
19:37 Because there were things that maybe we thought or we did
19:40 that we really didn't want the other person to know about.
19:42 So it was hard to be really honest.
19:43 Or we were afraid of how the other person would react.
19:46 So, honesty in communication, real integrity and transparency
19:51 is vital to having a marriage that's heart to heart.
19:56 And so is learning how to manage our money!
19:59 - Oh, is that important? - Absolutely!
20:01 So many marital disagreements happen because of
20:04 "Who spent what?" or "You got this and it cost how much?"
20:08 or "You didn't tell me that you did this with the money!"
20:11 And so managing our money is a very important part of
20:15 effective marriage to build it heart to heart!
20:19 That's right! You know a lot of marriages are
20:22 floundering because of the financial pressures
20:25 that they find themselves under.
20:28 We need to honestly deal through
20:31 the money matters that
20:33 are there every day! If we're not it creates a barrier
20:36 between us!
20:38 And we wanna learn how to move from the discord
20:42 to harmony, from the arguing to the understanding.
20:46 That's what God wants us to experience!
20:48 And that's what we're learning and it's
20:50 an on growing process isn't it?
20:52 - Yes it is! - And I'm thankful to say that
20:55 there isn't discord in our marriage but we have harmony!
20:57 It's beautiful! I love to be with you!
21:00 We love to be with each other and there's nothing
21:02 that we'd rather do that makes more happy
21:04 than to be in each other's presence!
21:06 That's right! And it wasn't always that way!
21:09 We always enjoyed each other but we didn't enjoy it
21:12 and it didn't have the same meaning because
21:15 particularly in the early times there was
21:18 some disaccording notes!
21:22 And to have harmony in the marriage means
21:24 the foundation of having harmony in the family.
21:27 - That's right! - So that makes
21:28 a huge difference!
21:30 Well, we can't do that if we don't deal with
21:33 our emotions properly. And that's what we talked about
21:35 after that. Because if we have discord
21:38 we need to look for ways
21:41 to regain that harmony through the Lord Jesus.
21:44 And so handling our emotions was something that
21:47 we both recognized not something that you
21:49 just needed to recognize But emotions play themselves
21:53 out in anger, frustration, irritation all kinds of things
21:56 that we both needed to recognize
21:59 to allow Go to come in and as we surrendered ourselves
22:02 to Him;
22:04 And you can move away from those emotional reactions
22:09 that you find happening almost spontaneously.
22:12 And you can regain that harmony in your family
22:16 by dealing effectively with the Lord for those emotions.
22:19 And it makes a huge difference doesn't it?
22:22 - It does! - For both of us! I mean
22:24 my response if God is managing my emotions
22:29 then I am now more effective in
22:33 clearing up a misunderstanding that may be
22:36 between us or vice versa.
22:38 And if we're both willing to do that
22:40 it's even that much greater. - Amen!
22:41 But you know, sometimes it's difficult for people.
22:45 They've been in, they feel helpless,
22:48 they feel they've gone too far,
22:50 they feel they're inadequate, insufficient
22:53 to manage their problems. And there is a time
22:56 when an outside source to help a couple to maintain
23:00 that marriage or to begin to rebuild that marriage
23:03 is necessary.
23:04 - That's right! - And we spent quite a bit
23:07 of time talking about the three areas of
23:09 counseling, you know that is important when
23:11 you're seeking an outside source for help!
23:13 Yes! One of those was to make sure
23:16 that it wasn't just a sympathy session,
23:19 that would not just going to find out
23:23 you know, how good I am and how terrible this other person
23:25 is and that we need this counselor to
23:28 be sympathetic to my side.
23:30 And that the Lord's principles from His Word
23:33 are what we can count on! - That's right!
23:37 So, if counseling is made available at the appropriate
23:43 time it will help us keep love alive.
23:45 And that's what we talked about next.
23:47 Are you doing those things that keep your love alive?
23:51 Are you making the commitment
23:54 to do things like you do for all the other things
23:57 your business, your you know, the activities
24:00 that you commit to socially, your Church responsibilities?
24:03 Are you making a commitment to keep love alive?
24:07 in your marriage?
24:08 Even the commitments we make to please ourselves.
24:11 if we put as much energy in trying to please
24:13 the other person as we do to try to please ourselves,
24:16 our love for the other person would be alive and growing!
24:20 - That's right! - And we talked about the need
24:22 to develop moral purity! How to keep the marriage pure;
24:26 How we deal with our thoughts; How we conduct ourselves;
24:29 our deportment, even the way we dress ourselves.
24:33 Are we dressing modestly? The importance of that moral purity
24:36 in the marriage that keeps the marriage very close and secure
24:40 and the trust there.
24:42 Yes! And last time we talked about
24:44 mutually meaningful intimacy.
24:48 And we really spent quite a bit of time talking about
24:50 how that happens throughout the day.
24:53 Because if there's not mutually meaningful intimacy
24:58 in every aspect of life
25:01 to show how much my wife really means to me
25:04 then how can we expect it to suddenly become
25:07 mutually meaningful as we close the day?
25:12 So it's a part of both of us! - That's right!
25:15 It's not just you towards me. The wife has much to do
25:18 to encourage that in her husband as well.
25:21 That's right! You know, as we come to the close
25:24 of these series there's some verses
25:25 that I think are very beautiful
25:28 that I wanna bring to each of you.
25:31 They're words that come from John 17:21
25:35 and they're part of the prayer of Jesus for us.
25:41 John 17:22 to 24 it says:
25:43 "that they may be one, even as we are one:
25:48 I in them, thou in me,
25:52 that they may be made perfect in one;
25:56 that the world may know that thou hast sent me,"
25:59 Jesus wants the world to know
26:02 that God sent Him in the World to save the World
26:05 and one of the ways that He's trying to do that
26:07 is through the unity and the harmony in the marriage.
26:10 Because it's a representation of the union
26:12 of Christ to His people.
26:15 "that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them,
26:17 and hast loved me. Father, I will that they also,"
26:23 That's us! That's you!
26:25 They're listening, viewing this program.
26:28 He says: "Father, I will that they also, whom
26:32 thou hast given me, be with me where I am; "
26:35 That's our privilege!