Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000024
00:31 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:32 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:36 Today we're gonna be talking about
00:38 six ways to keep our marriages morally pure.
00:41 So we hope you have a paper and pencil with you today.
00:46 Moral purity
00:48 what a subject for today!
00:50 - Very needed subject! - Yes! Because there's
00:53 a degeneracy happening
00:55 in our world that's obvious to everyone!
00:58 And everyone is being bombarded from every area
01:03 of life with the moral impurity of this generation.
01:07 So, six ways!
01:10 You know when we got married
01:12 I didn't understand a lot of things! But there was one thing
01:15 for sure that I understood: that my eyes
01:19 needed to be for you!
01:21 Kind of amazing when you think about
01:23 what I didn't understand and how selfish I was
01:26 when we first got married. We didn't understand
01:29 a lot of the things about the "me focus"
01:31 moving to the "us focus" but
01:34 I understood that my eyes should be for you!
01:37 And I made a commitment I'm sure you remember.
01:40 I made a commitment, A covenant with my eyes
01:44 for you, with you and with the Lord. And it's made
01:49 a powerful impact in our marriage.
01:52 It really has! And it's given me a lot of security
01:55 knowing that! And it's helped me to trust you
01:58 even through those rough times at the beginning of our
02:01 marriage. And the Lord put in my heart: "If you're gonna
02:03 keep your eyes for me then I needed to do
02:07 everything I could do to be attractive to you
02:09 through our marriage, the way that I saw it to be attractive
02:13 when we were courting.
02:15 And I think this is something that each one of us
02:17 need to recognize. Us wives if we want our husband's
02:20 eyes to be for us then we have the opportunity
02:26 to encourage that in our husbands by how we
02:29 take care of ourselves. Do we look nice for them?
02:32 Do we look appealing to them?
02:34 Are we willing to do our best for them?
02:37 And that will help us, help them with that commitment!
02:41 We know, it's interesting that God's Word even has
02:46 an answer for this covenant that I'm talking about
02:50 in Job the 31 chapter and the first verse.
02:56 It says here: "I made a covenant with mine eyes"
03:00 Here's Job saying "I made a covenant with my eyes!"
03:04 For what purpose? It says: why then should I look upon a maid?
03:09 Well, I realized that
03:12 I made a covenant to you for marriage.
03:17 I gave God some vows and I made those vows publicly before
03:22 a lot of witnesses at our wedding.
03:24 Why not also make a covenant
03:27 with you as a part of that marriage vow
03:30 that I would have a covenant with my eyes,
03:33 that I didn't need to be looking at other women.
03:36 Now, obviously when I say this
03:39 did Job go around with blinders on his eyes?
03:42 He says: Why should I look at another mate?
03:45 So, we know Job was a very influential man.
03:48 So did he go around with some kind of blinders like horses
03:52 ware sometimes to keep his eyes directed forward?
03:55 Certainly not!
03:57 But looking at a woman or seeing a woman pass by;
04:02 I mean we're on airports a lot of times and,
04:04 in fact not long ago my wife
04:07 as we were sitting there she said: "Honey
04:10 look at that lady!
04:12 Isn't she beautiful? "
04:13 Do you remember that dear? - Yes I remember that!
04:16 Now here's my wife, I've made this kind of commitment to her
04:19 and now she trusts me so much that she can
04:23 say: "Look at this beautiful woman
04:25 walking down the airport! "
04:26 Well, I didn't particularly think that,
04:28 that woman was so beautiful but
04:30 that's because you can trust me!
04:32 So, it isn't that we can't look at another woman,
04:36 man as they may walk by
04:38 or that we have to shut our eyes every time
04:41 we have a woman, we wouldn't be able to do that
04:43 when she comes into our view.
04:45 The key here with this covenant
04:47 that I've made is
04:49 what am I taking a second look for? Ok?
04:53 If I'm taking a second look
04:56 at a woman that walks by
04:57 what's the reason?
04:59 Is there an improper reason that I'm looking the second time?
05:03 That's where we make this covenant,
05:05 that's what we're looking at the purpose for.
05:07 So the first point then is this to make a covenant
05:10 with our eyes. And it doesn't just mean for men
05:12 Although the Scriptures address it from a man's perspective.
05:15 - That's right! - But women need to make
05:17 that same commitment, that same covenant.
05:20 In the society that we live today, women are just as
05:25 morally impure shall we say? Aggressively impure
05:29 as traditionally has been men in past generations.
05:32 They certainly are more aggressive today!
05:35 I mean it's obvious! Even though - Definitely!
05:36 out there in the dating scene
05:38 it's obvious that women are much more aggressive
05:40 in relationships than they were you know, back in our day.
05:46 That wasn't all that long ago, but 25 years ago!
05:47 That's right! But women need to, we as women need to make
05:51 that same covenant with our eyes that when we see a man
05:54 that we don't look at that man to lust after him
05:58 or to start thinking thoughts of: "Oh, you know,
06:00 well I wish my husband looked like him!" or
06:02 maybe it's not so much the out world looks, it's what we see
06:06 how they relate in their work place or in the Church.
06:09 And they start saying: "Oh, I wish my husband could be like
06:12 him!" and become to stunner with our husband.
06:15 We need to guard the avenue of our eyes!
06:20 So, the second area:
06:23 How does dress effect, you know, moral purity?
06:27 How we choose to dress as women affect moral purity!
06:32 We can either be a stumbling block to men
06:37 or we can be, help maintain the purity of our marriage
06:40 by how we dress. And I know for me and my experience,
06:44 in my life I've chosen to dress with modesty.
06:48 I found the blessing of that! No low cut tops
06:52 or midriff showing or minis or tight cloths!
06:55 All of those things that we see prevalent every where we go
06:59 it's in billboards it's in advertisements,
07:02 it's on the street it's in our face constantly!
07:04 It's in the Church today! All those things
07:07 only deteriorate the moral integrity of a marriage!
07:11 And really what happens is that dress makes a statement
07:15 and sometimes those statements are misinterpreted.
07:18 There are maybe people even listening now that
07:21 don't mean to be immoral or to be degrading moral purity
07:25 by how they dress. It may be just how they were raised.
07:29 But if as we start evaluating I know that you
07:32 began to evaluate that early in our marriage
07:35 and started recognizing that,
07:37 you know, if you want me to stay pure and
07:41 stay with you, watch your influence also on other men.
07:45 and what's the effect that you may be having in your dress.
07:49 And it also works for men!
07:51 I think that men, we have to be also recognizing that
07:56 well, the question mat not be a low cut top.
08:00 We can talk about are we dressing modestly?
08:03 Are we conducting ourselves with proper reserve
08:07 in how we carry ourselves in those kinds of things.
08:11 I found that when I began to dress more modestly,
08:14 because I wasn't always as modest as I am today,
08:17 that I actually found a respect of men for me growing
08:22 like you know, you go to - That's right!
08:23 store on the old days, you know, when you
08:25 used to have to open the door
08:26 and you pull the open.
08:28 Those were the old days! Now anywhere you go, almost
08:30 it has little lights as you're coming in
08:32 and the door is open for you. But I made an interesting
08:37 observation that whenever I was in more dress down attired
08:41 like tight jeans and T- shorts or shorts
08:44 or whatever I found that almost always I opened the door
08:48 for myself. But if I was going to the same store
08:51 it doesn't matter what aged man, it could have been
08:54 a young man or an older gentleman,
08:56 and if I had on a feminine attire that was modest
09:01 always I had someone open the door for me!
09:03 And I thought that was very interesting,
09:05 even today I experience that. - That's right!
09:06 Recently we were at
09:09 a National Park and we were going into one of those stores,
09:12 they didn't have the automatic openers.
09:14 And this young boy, he couldn't been 18 or 19 at the most
09:19 and he saw me coming and the girl that he was with
09:22 opened the door for herself. When I got to the door
09:24 this young man opened the door for me and I was
09:27 going in there, you know, dressed very modestly
09:29 and femininely. And we can draw out
09:32 the finer virtues of a man
09:35 - Amen! by learning to let God
09:37 have our hearts and how we dress in modesty.
09:41 And let God help us to develop that
09:45 moral purity in our marriages.
09:48 The third area that we like to talk about is deportment.
09:51 Deportment what is that? It's how we carry ourselves,
09:54 it's how we approach people, it's how we interact with people
09:58 You know,
10:00 unfortunately back in my
10:03 high school years
10:05 I was known as a flirt. And I'm not proud of that
10:09 but that's who I was back then.
10:11 And so, how I carried myself it was not unusual for me to be
10:16 very flirtatious with the other girls in the school.
10:20 And you can get a reputation for that and
10:23 you can be known in your deportment
10:26 for how you conduct yourself.
10:28 And now, as my dear wife knows,
10:31 that's not a part of my life anymore.
10:33 But how we conduct our business, how we interact
10:37 how we get in people's space, how we
10:41 you know, our tone of voice and
10:43 our inflections of voice can determine how we
10:47 interact with someone and what
10:49 that does in the area of moral purity!
10:52 The deportment that we have
10:54 reflects what's really in the heart
10:56 because we cat on the outside
10:59 what's really on the inside! - Yes!
11:01 And the more we act out thinking
11:04 that you know, we can stop ourselves or
11:06 this is just a little bit of flirtatiousness.
11:09 It's just an opportunity for the Devil to open the door
11:14 wider and wider to fall into temptation.
11:16 And it may seem innocent at the beginning
11:19 but it progresses very quickly! - That's right!
11:21 And it destroys the moral purity of a marriage.
11:24 And it causes a lot of insecurity in
11:26 a marriage relationship, between a husband and a wife,
11:29 and it works both ways. It also causes jealousies
11:32 to begin to develop! And, you know, all of those
11:37 factors begin to weaken that commitment in marriage.
11:41 That's right!
11:43 So, what else can we do?
11:45 What else? What's the fourth area?
11:48 The fourth are that we wanna talk about is
11:51 what we see with our eyes, what we choose to read
11:55 with our eyes! Because what we put in to our mind is what
12:00 we live in our thoughts and what begins
12:03 to become experienced in our lives.
12:05 So, for us in our marriage we have made the agreement
12:09 that we will not put anything, we would not read anything
12:13 that is going to cause us to start to
12:16 loose the moral purity in our marriage!
12:20 So, reading, how about hearing?
12:24 Things we listen to!
12:25 Music today has an incredible impact in people's lives.
12:29 The kinds of music that we listen to can either be
12:32 uplifting us or can actually be degrading in the moral purity.
12:37 Because everything in our society
12:39 is downgrading morality today!
12:42 So, what's really we're talking about the senses!
12:44 - Yes! - What we hear!
12:46 What we see, even some of the smells we smell
12:50 all are part of maintaining or destroying
12:53 the purity in our marriages! - That's right!
12:56 So, there's advertisements, the billboards,
12:59 the magazine advertisements, everywhere you go
13:03 we are bombarded by those things.
13:05 Are we going to study those things and look at them
13:07 and lust after them or are we going to see it and say:
13:11 "I don't want that to be a part" And we change our thoughts,
13:14 we change the direction of our eyes. We change,
13:17 we choose to change the direction of our thoughts!
13:20 Well, and right now we need to make a break.
13:23 So, we want you to stay with us!
13:26 We'll be back in just a moment!
13:39 There are many "How to?" books available,
13:40 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple:
13:44 how you can "Build a Better Marriage".
13:47 Bible-based, matrimonial advice
13:49 is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner,
13:51 for those contemplating marriage,
13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years,
13:56 and everyone in-between.
13:57 Simply call or write for your free copy
14:00 of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool
14:03 to help build a better marriage.
14:14 Welcome back! We've been talking about moral purity
14:17 and how it affects the marriage.
14:19 We've just been talking about the things that we read,
14:22 the things that we see. And there's a Scripture that
14:26 really brings this right in the focus
14:28 if we look at it and consider it practically.
14:30 It's taken from Philippians the fourth chapter in the 8 verse
14:34 it says: "whatsoever things are true,
14:38 honest, just, pure,
14:42 lovely, of good report;
14:45 if there be any virtue,
14:49 or praise, think on these things. "
14:53 Now, I know that for many, that is a
14:55 a familiar verse and yet
14:58 I wonder if it is a familiar experience.
15:01 I know for us that a lot of times we knew
15:04 these Bible verses and yet now bringing them into
15:08 our experience has made a huge difference.
15:11 If we really look at these words
15:13 then it takes in everything we read.
15:16 It takes in everything we view.
15:19 It takes in every aspect of where our senses are taking us.
15:24 And so, it's very important that
15:26 we take these words, especially as Christians and say:
15:30 "How are these applying in my real life today?"
15:34 God gave us our senses. He gave us those to enjoy
15:37 the things of beauty and holiness and righteousness.
15:39 That's how He created us! And He wants us to keep that focus
15:44 and use our senses which are gifts to us for that purpose.
15:48 So we have to consider, we can't always stop
15:50 what we see or what we hear but
15:52 we have to consider what are we doing with
15:54 within our thoughts - That's right!
15:56 when it comes in! Are we really managing those thoughts?
15:58 You know, if you're on the computer
16:00 and we have a computer and you have the internet.
16:03 I mean you can be going for something
16:05 that you're looking for and here can be something
16:06 that flashes on the screen. Sometimes I've been shocked
16:10 to see what comes up there, to look you know. And you don't
16:13 have to look. I mean they - That's right!
16:15 flash on, they grab your attention, your eyes naturally
16:18 go there, but what do we choose to do with that?
16:21 Do we look at? Do we read it? Do we study it?
16:23 Or are we willing to click it off?
16:25 - That's right! - And I know some people
16:26 that put blocks on their computer. They don't want
16:28 that kind of thing on there.
16:30 And there are many things that we can do practically
16:33 to keep the moral purity in our marriage.
16:36 - That's right! - The more pure we are
16:38 in our marriage the more fulfillment we have
16:43 in the intimacy of our marriage.
16:45 The less pure we are in our marriage and the more
16:47 we let our thoughts wonder out there about someone else,
16:51 even if it's just a look, how does she look,
16:53 how does he look,
16:55 destroys the intimacy in the marriage!
17:00 So, let's challenge our viewing audience
17:02 with what are you really doing?
17:04 If you wanna have a marriage that's heart to heart
17:07 what are you doing with real life?
17:10 Not the theories, you know this verse talks about
17:13 whatsoever things are true, honest, lovely, of a good report
17:17 and the virtue in it
17:19 If we would take just this one verse
17:22 it would cover what we're talking about today
17:25 If we allow Christ to make this practical.
17:28 Anything that comes to us on the television,
17:31 through advertising, the magazines that come
17:34 into the home, any of those things if we really let God
17:38 govern us in those things, it's gonna have an effect
17:41 on our moral purity. - That's right!
17:43 Even the music we listen to.
17:45 The music is an avenue that - That's right!
17:47 can come right in and we can be caught up with the music
17:51 and miss the lyrics that are going on.
17:53 And the lyrics can be planting thoughts in our minds
17:56 that will lead us down to impurity,
18:00 down the road. - That's right!
18:02 And so, even the music we listen to, we have to have
18:05 be sensitive that we are putting only those things
18:08 that are good in our minds.
18:11 And music is a choice! We can't always choose
18:14 when we walk into a store what we hear. But we can choose
18:16 to tune out what we're hearing there.
18:19 And when we engage our minds, when I engage my mind
18:22 in the store that music doesn't affect me.
18:24 But when I tune in to that music it begins to affect me.
18:28 And everything in the world is designed
18:30 to destroy moral purity. - Yes!
18:33 Everything that Satan has done!
18:35 Well, I'm thankful that we decided, when we got married
18:39 not to have a television
18:40 in our home. - Me too!
18:42 I'm very thankful for that! - I mean, yes it's true that
18:45 television is a tool. It can be a positive tool
18:48 if it's used appropriately. But there's not much on there.
18:52 And I think our viewing audience recognizes that
18:57 there's so much damaging material that comes on TV,
19:01 that if we're not guarded
19:04 we won't maintain purity, because the kind of nature
19:07 the flash wants to naturally draw
19:09 into those things that are not appropriate.
19:12 And so, it's been a blessing in our home
19:14 not to have that temptation to deal with.
19:17 And our young people have often said:
19:20 "How do people have time for TV?
19:23 Where's the time for TV? We have so many other things
19:26 that we enjoy doing that we wouldn't even know
19:29 how they have time for the television. "
19:32 The sad thing is that many people
19:34 make time for the TV at the expense of the
19:36 the more blessed things in the marriage and
19:39 in the enjoyment and recreation of a family.
19:41 That's right! Well, you know sometimes peoples say:
19:43 "Well, I only look at good programs!"
19:46 and we can be selective in choosing our programs.
19:49 But we can't choose the commercials and
19:51 the advertisements that come on.
19:52 - That's right! - And there's a human curiosity
19:55 that's in all of us to question, to wonder,
19:59 to look for. What's on the other side of that?
20:02 You know, so, the television
20:05 can be a tool that's very destructive to moral purity.
20:08 And the fifth area that we wanna talk about today
20:11 is the area of inappropriate familiarity with one another.
20:16 And I think we see a lot of that displayed
20:20 in all kind of the program and on TV today.
20:23 We see it every were we go
20:24 undue familiarity. You know, the flirtatious talking
20:29 or the flirtatious gestures, the
20:33 jesting and the joking, all of those things
20:36 break down that moral purity! - That's right!
20:38 That's right! Even improper touching
20:42 that happens in the workplace.
20:44 It's very common in businesses that people will
20:47 touch each other inappropriately.
20:49 Lots of hugging and things like that, that
20:52 are not really appropriate and all those things
20:56 they lead to a familiarity that's not appropriate.
20:59 If you find yourself, just think about own experience,
21:03 how you relate in the marriage with your own wife
21:06 or your husband and then how you relate
21:09 in some of your social settings or in your employment settings.
21:12 It's often easier to convey the idea that you're very
21:17 loving, lovable person,
21:19 and you're wonderful. - Happy!
21:20 Yes! You're just a happy person and everything
21:23 when that's not really what's being conveyed in the home!
21:27 And often times that undue, improper familiarity
21:33 leads to stress in the marriage and leads to inappropriate
21:38 relationships over here in this situation.
21:41 It's so common! We see it even in the Church,
21:44 the Christian Church today! It's every where you go!
21:47 You know, 30- 40 years ago you wouldn't see
21:49 that kind of conduct in a work place.
21:52 You know it would be bar type conduct!
21:55 Now it's every where you go. - Yes!
21:57 And, you can't always trust, I mean you may think you're pure
22:01 but you don't know what's in
22:02 the thoughts of the other person.
22:04 And I know there have been many marriages destroyed
22:07 through this avenue. You know, and I knew a young lady,
22:11 a beautiful young woman, happily married
22:13 and she got the opportunity to be an executive secretary
22:17 for the president of a large firm
22:19 and she went in there with the thoughts:
22:22 "This is going to be a career advancement!"
22:24 She was pure, she was simple, she was wholesome.
22:28 But her boss wasn't a moral man! He was an immoral man!
22:32 She didn't know this! In his thoughts
22:34 he did not have purity. He was not only for his wife!
22:39 He used his time to look at other women and
22:42 let his mind go on that.
22:44 And so, as they began working she was very efficient,
22:47 she was a very good secretary and he appreciated that
22:50 and started complementing her and complementing her.
22:53 Then he had projects he needed her to stay for after work.
22:56 And she felt secure, she felt needed, she felt
22:59 important and you know, the work needed to get done.
23:02 And then it was a little touch on her shoulder.
23:04 And then pretty soon it was him coming to her desk
23:06 and touching her hand. And it went from that to, you know
23:10 "Good-morning! Glad to see you!"
23:11 and a good-morning embrace and a hug goodbye.
23:14 And eventually led them to immoral acts!
23:17 - That's right! - And it was a subtle
23:21 destruction of the purity!
23:24 - That's right! - And the sad thing is
23:26 is that in the very act of adultery
23:29 she lost her marriage through this.
23:31 And the man, who was the immorally pure man
23:35 - Impure man! - He's the impure man!
23:37 He's the one who was able to keep his marriage.
23:41 But it didn't change what he did!
23:42 It was still a problem that he had!
23:44 That's right!
23:47 So, what are we gonna do?
23:49 If you find yourselves in situations that you think are
23:53 just the way it's socially acceptable today
23:57 I tell you there are things that are socially acceptable
24:00 today, there are completely unacceptable to the Lord!
24:03 And if you find yourself in one of those situations
24:06 And you're trying to comfort yourself that it's ok,
24:09 other people do it
24:11 get away from that kind of unfamiliar
24:16 too familiar, improper kind of conduct in your workplace,
24:20 in your Church setting, in your social settings,
24:23 because it's very destructive to the moral purity
24:26 of your own marriage!
24:27 Often times I'll put my hand out when I go to greet someone
24:30 to let them know, a man know that,
24:33 you know this is what I'm comfortable with!
24:35 And I've often said to you: "Honey!"
24:37 I shouldn't say often but there have been times I said to you:
24:39 "Honey, I'm not comfortable around this person!"
24:42 God helps us, when we make the decision to be morally pure
24:46 He helps us gain discernment
24:49 when someone may be different in their thoughts
24:53 towards us than we are towards them.
24:55 - That's right! - And you've always been there
24:56 to be that security, that barrier, that protection for me.
25:01 And I really count on you for that!
25:03 It's been very interesting, you know, as my wife
25:05 mentioned this particular perception,
25:09 this inside. She has never been wrong!
25:12 And I can think of several individuals
25:15 over our 25 years of marriage that
25:17 Alane has come to me and she said:
25:19 "Honey, there's something morally impure about that man!
25:24 And I'm very uncomfortable
25:25 when he tries to get into my space. "
25:28 And in all of the cases that is happened
25:32 it has been demonstrated that that person was morally impure.
25:36 And it's incredible to me that God gives that kind of insides
25:40 if we're really desiring of choosing moral purity.
25:42 Amen! That's what God wants to do for us!
25:44 He desires us to keep our moral purity.
25:46 Well the sixth area we'd better talk about
25:49 to our viewers today is the area that we can
25:52 all participate in, like the other ones we've discussed.
25:54 And that is trough prayer. We can pray that God
25:57 will create in us a clean heart! - Amen!
26:00 That's something we can do actively, daily,
26:02 even in a moment of temptation. Even in a moment of
26:06 being not sure how the situation is gonna come
26:09 we can ask the Lord to give us a pure thought,
26:13 a pure heart! - Amen! And He will! Because
26:16 God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves!
26:19 But we need to be willing to ask! We need to recognize
26:22 our need! And this is a need today!
26:25 And as we come to the close of this session today
26:28 I'd like us to pray especially for the needs
26:31 of our viewing audience as well as ourselves
26:33 for this moral purity!
26:36 Father in Heaven we know that
26:38 we live in a very degenerate society that is continuing to
26:42 go down hill. We pray that as Christians
26:45 we will be living Christians, that we will allow You
26:48 to work in us, to truly create in us clean hearts
26:51 and that we will manifest those clean hearts
26:53 in our own marriages. That we will guard these six areas,
26:57 these avenues of moral impurity,
27:00 that we can have strong homes and that we can represent You
27:04 to a hurting and dying world!
27:06 In Jesus name Amen!
27:10 Well, you know, we're looking forward to next
27:13 next time we get together!
27:15 Meaningful intimacy! Mutually meaningful intimacy
27:21 is a subject that we're looking forward to talking about!
27:24 Because it won't just be meaningful for one person
27:26 in the marriage! It will be meaningful for both!
27:29 And we want you to have a meaningful experience
27:32 in your marriage! So, join us next time
27:35 on Marriage Heart to Heart where we'll be talking about
27:38 something that's meaningful to each marriage
27:40 that will take us closer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
27:45 We look forward to seeing you back!
28:26 Captions and translations by ChMS: www.chms.ro