Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000023
00:31 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:33 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:37 Today we're gonna be talking about
00:39 ways to keep our love alive in our marriages.
00:41 And that's a very exciting topic. So we hope you
00:43 have a pencil and paper because we're gonna be looking
00:47 at some simple things that we can do, every one of us can do,
00:50 to keep our love alive.
00:53 It's fun keeping love alive isn't it?
00:55 - It is! - You know in
00:57 God's Word, actually talks about how to keep love alive.
01:01 And probably one of the ways that our viewers
01:04 might not have thought of this,
01:07 in Ecclesiastes the 9th chapter
01:10 and the 9th verse.
01:12 It says that we need to: "Live joyfully with the wife"
01:16 that God has given us.
01:18 - Does that keep love alive? - Yes it does dear!
01:21 I'm always happy when you live joyfully with me!
01:24 Yes! And you're a joy to live with!
01:27 You know,
01:29 there's no one that I'd rather spend time with
01:32 than my wife.
01:34 How does that make you feel?
01:37 Very special!
01:39 Does that help keep love alive? - Absolutely!
01:41 I feel the same way about you! You know that!
01:45 So, today we're gonna be talking about
01:48 six ways that we can keep love alive!
01:53 And you know, there's dozens of ways that we can do it.
01:56 And things that we've done over the years
01:58 that have really kept love alive for us; and keep it growing.
02:02 It's not just enough to keep it alive!
02:04 It needs to be alive and well!
02:06 - Right? Growing. - That's right!
02:07 To me being alive is healthy and vibrant and growing.
02:11 That's what life is! It's something that grows!
02:13 We have a plant and it's alive. It's not stagnant it grows.
02:17 - That's right! - And that's the way our
02:18 marriages need to be.
02:19 So we're gonna talk about six very simple,
02:23 not costly ways. Now we can talk about more
02:27 but we're gonna talk about ways that nobody
02:29 really has an excuse not to use.
02:33 Now, you might have your own ways of keeping love alive
02:35 and that's fine.
02:36 But if you do, maybe you'll add to
02:39 with some of the things we're doing.
02:42 First one that we saw very important was
02:45 little attentions often.
02:47 It's interesting when we were first courting
02:49 it wasn't hard to do all kind of things
02:52 that made us know that we were thinking about each other.
02:55 But sometimes when we get into
02:59 life and we get into routine and we get into the pressures
03:03 and our own desires, those little things can
03:08 quietly get left out.
03:13 - Not even intentionally! - Not intentionally!
03:16 You know, sometimes it is just so many things
03:19 that push their way into life,
03:21 that try to smother
03:25 keeping love alive!
03:27 You know, one of the things that I've always appreciated,
03:29 when we're talking about the little things,
03:32 is the little notes that you give me
03:34 when I'm gonna be gone.
03:36 Those little notes, I've come to expect them
03:39 when I go. And sometimes I'll give you little notes
03:44 but I'm not as good at it as you are!
03:46 Those little notes keep love alive!
03:49 A little note in the lunch that you've prepared for me
03:53 when I'm on the airplane and I open it up and
03:57 I'm not disappointed if, you know, it's not there every time
04:01 but I've come to expect that there's gonna be
04:03 something there. When I unpack my suitcase
04:07 I expect that I'm going to find a little note
04:10 tucked here and there. When I open my Bible
04:13 to have my quiet time I expect that there will be a little note
04:17 that keeps love alive! And keeping love alive means that
04:21 it makes me look forward to coming home!
04:25 It also keeps my thoughts on you. I'm already
04:29 anticipating your return before you ever leave and
04:32 I'm writing my thoughts simply
04:35 of what I'm gonna be doing with my time in your absence
04:39 whether it's just for the day, for a few hours or for a week
04:42 or however long it may be.
04:44 It's a simple thing. That's what Luke 16:10 talks about.
04:47 "He that is faithful in that which is least" in little things
04:50 will be "faithful also in much". And I think that can really
04:53 apply to our marriages. If we're faithful in the little things
04:56 in our marriage to keep love alive
04:58 we're gonna be faithful in bigger areas of our marriage
05:01 where the temptations may come
05:03 but we don't have to fall to those temptations.
05:05 One of the greatest things I enjoy is
05:09 making sure that when you leave or when you come home
05:13 I am there to either give you a goodbye kiss,
05:18 a goodbye hug or a greeting.
05:21 And in my heart it keeps my love alive for you
05:24 and I know you like it too and I always look forward to
05:27 you standing in the window when I have to leave,
05:30 even to go to town for a few hours
05:32 and you're in the window, waving goodbye. Or when you
05:35 hear me or anticipate me and you know when I'm gonna be
05:37 coming, that I see you outside of the house, around the corner
05:42 and then you give me a little wave to greet me back.
05:45 That's very, very special!
05:47 You know, I think what we wanna emphasize to
05:50 each of our viewing audience is
05:52 it doesn't have to be complicated.
05:55 It's the little things. And you know, if you'll stop and think,
05:59 and we don't do enough reflecting sometimes
06:02 that some of life's happiness
06:05 is made up in the little things.
06:08 It's not the big things that make up life! It's the little
06:12 daily things that we might even say are monotonous sometimes.
06:16 But if we wanna keep our love alive we need those
06:19 little things. And I know that
06:22 making the bed, making our bed
06:26 you know, is a little thing.
06:28 And yet you never expect that I'd do that.
06:32 It's never been my job to make our bed.
06:35 But often because my desk is there in our bedroom,
06:39 and that's where I spend a lot of my time during the day,
06:43 that's often something that I wanna do
06:45 because you've got so many other things to do.
06:48 So making the bed it's just a little thing
06:50 that I like to do for us.
06:53 And I really appreciate that! And it's interesting
06:56 on the days that it's not made I never feel like:
06:59 "Oh, I wonder how come he didn't make it today?"
07:01 I never have that expectation that you make the bed
07:04 after 25 years. If it's not made I joyfully do it
07:07 but when it's made it's very special!
07:09 Even after 25 years! - Yes!
07:12 The little ways that we can express that love;
07:15 one of the things you do that I really like
07:19 you know what I'm gonna say don't you?
07:22 You put on cologne for me almost every day!
07:25 Yes! And I think about you and when I put that cologne on
07:30 that's often why, you know, when we're out traveling
07:33 I'm not always as faithful to put it on because
07:38 I'm just out among the people.
07:40 But when I'm thinking of you I'm doing that for you.
07:45 It's a little thing to keep love alive!
07:48 And I know that! And I really like that!
07:51 And I make sure that your supply never runs out!
07:53 That's right!
07:55 You know, some people listening viewing right now
08:01 may not necessarily feel like doing anything
08:05 to keep love alive. Can we go on our feelings?
08:08 No! They're not safe!
08:10 They're never safe! They're never safe!
08:12 Feelings are not a safe guide!
08:14 And so, we wanna encourage you
08:17 that even if you don't feel like doing some of the little things
08:21 that keep love alive, you can make a choice.
08:25 And that choice will be so much better
08:27 if that choice is made under the inspiration of Jesus Christ!
08:32 If you will allow Him to give you ideas;
08:35 sometimes I just ask the Lord:
08:37 "Lord what can I do for my wife?"
08:41 and He'll give me ideas! Doesn't He dear?
08:44 Yes! Sometimes they're very, I'm very surprised at
08:48 some of the ideas that the Lord gives you.
08:50 And we can't go by our feelings! - That's right!
08:54 If we do, especially those negative ones,
08:57 we're destined to fail.
09:00 That's right! So, if a man out there for example,
09:04 right now is listening and he jus got so much going on,
09:07 he's got so much pressure
09:10 can he keep love alive even if he doesn't feel
09:14 like he has time to do it?
09:16 Absolutely! It's the littlest things that can happen
09:19 that will keep it alive! And one of the greatest way
09:22 he can keep it alive in a little thing,
09:24 which leads us to point number 2,
09:26 is communication. If he calls his wife on his cell phone
09:30 for two minutes and even leaves a message or
09:33 when he gets to work: "Honey I'm at work. "
09:35 "I was thinking of you on my way in to work today!"
09:38 That would make a huge difference in her day!
09:40 - That's right! - A huge difference in her day!
09:42 And so those little things lead us to better communication,
09:46 which is the second point of keeping our love alive:
09:49 communication daily! - Amen!
09:52 So, is that gonna happen spontaneously? Is that just
09:55 you know everybody just has lots of time to communicate
09:58 so it's just gonna be there for us?
10:01 It wasn't that way for us! Well, I should say we have time
10:04 to talk about what we wanna talk about with who
10:07 we wanna talk with! - That's right!
10:10 We really do! It really comes back to making a choice!
10:14 And the whole experience of marriage
10:16 and having a marriage heart to heart is all about our choices!
10:19 That's really the Christian experience!
10:21 And so, for us communication became very important
10:26 because I really had time to talk to who I wanted to talk to
10:29 about what I wanted to talk, but even if I had
10:30 to stay up late at night, get up early in the morning.
10:34 And so I have shifted my need for communication
10:38 and my communication, what I wanna share with you!
10:42 And that has made
10:44 a big difference! - Is that make you feel
10:47 like you're important to me,
10:49 when I take time to communicate with you?
10:52 Always! It doesn't matter what I wanna talk about.
10:55 If you give me your time I feel that I'm important to you!
10:59 And if I feel I'm important to you and I sense that from you
11:03 then my love for you grows and I know
11:06 your love for me grows as well! - That's right!
11:08 You know, one of the other things that in communication
11:11 that's important and sometimes we can take it for granted
11:14 and that is expressing appreciation.
11:17 I look for opportunities to express appreciation
11:20 for the things that Alane does in our home.
11:24 When we sit down at the meal table and we offer the blessing
11:28 I like to express my appreciation to her and
11:32 it's part of what we do in our home
11:34 that I give her a little kiss
11:37 when I finish the prayer or whoever is praying.
11:40 And it's an expression of "I'm thinking, I care for you"
11:44 "I appreciate what you're doing"
11:46 It's nice to be appreciated and those little
11:48 appreciations go long way in communication.
11:52 One of the things that has really being good for us
11:56 in our communication and I have to say
11:58 that you lead in this,
12:00 is often you'll invite me out for a little walk.
12:03 Because I can be consumed by everything in the house
12:06 I have to get done; - That's right!
12:07 But you'll say: "Honey why don't we go for a walk?"
12:10 And I'm really not motivated to go out and walk
12:13 for the sake of walking, I enjoy it once I get out there
12:16 if I can put aside all the other things I have to do.
12:19 But I'm motivated because I know it's time with you
12:23 that you are captive audience.
12:26 Yes, our walk and talk time has become very special.
12:30 Again, we just wanna encourage you.
12:32 You may think you're too busy!
12:34 I tell you I never run out of things to do in this ministry
12:39 work that God has called us to,
12:41 and I don't think you ever run out of things to do! Do you?
12:44 - Never run out of things to do! - So, one of the problems
12:46 that we all face in keeping love alive
12:50 is making time. Making time to communicate,
12:54 making time to do those little attentions, whatever it is
12:58 we need to make time.
13:01 It won't just happen spontaneously!
13:04 So, if you wanna keep love alive
13:06 then we're gonna be taking a break,
13:08 we want you to stay with us
13:10 and we're gonna talk about a few more things
13:12 that we can do to keep love alive!
13:15 The next thing we're gonna talk about is
13:18 time for each other, how we spend that time.
13:21 So, stay with us!
13:24 Making love alive!
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14:16 Welcome back! We've been talking about keeping love alive
14:21 and I know that you wanna keep your love alive!
14:24 So, honey what other ways can we keep love alive?
14:27 Taking time for each other, that was very easy to do.
14:30 It's very easy to do at the beginning of a marriage
14:33 or relationship, but when we get into life
14:36 with the pressures of work, the pressure of education
14:39 the pressures of raising a family,
14:41 the pressures of even our own hobbies or sports
14:45 or entertainments
14:48 we find we loose time or each other.
14:50 And when we loose time for each other
14:52 we loose communication and we start to loose
14:56 touch with each other. - That's right!
14:58 So, taking time we have to carve it out!
15:01 That's right! and I found that
15:04 I thought that I was taking enough time.
15:07 And I realized that it was being swallowed up
15:09 by everything else. It was being swallowed up
15:11 by my employment. You know when we were first married
15:15 trying to be involved in my career
15:19 taking time to do all the Church work that we were involved in.
15:24 And there's nothing wrong with being involved in
15:28 good things! Certainly there's nothing wrong
15:29 with being involved in Church work.
15:31 But take a little self test, take a little inventory
15:34 and that's what we did. That's what I did as a man,
15:38 as a husband, as a father I began to realize that I was
15:41 investing so much time, even in good things,
15:45 even things for the Lord! And I started finding out that I
15:49 I didn't had time for the Lord!
15:51 So busy doing things for the Lord that I didn't have
15:53 time for the Lord? What a sad state of fears!
15:56 But it was true! I was so pushed and I didn't have time for you!
16:00 I didn't have time for the children!
16:02 And so, as you know I began to do what I called:
16:06 "the add subtract and invest"
16:10 Every time I looked at adding something else into my schedule
16:14 I said: "Where am I going to subtract?"
16:19 And you know what I found out?
16:21 A very interesting thing: whenever I added more
16:24 things into my life
16:26 always two areas that I saw subtracting automatically:
16:31 time with God, cause I was tired, get in the bed later
16:35 and wanted to get up as early;
16:36 Time with God started to go and time for my wife and children.
16:41 And I said: "Something's wrong with this!" Didn't I honey?
16:43 Yes! So did I: "Something's wrong with this!"
16:46 "Something's not right here!" So I look at this:
16:49 if I'm gonna add, let's be realistic about where
16:51 I'm going to subtract.
16:53 Where do I really wanna invest my time?
16:55 Add subtract invest!
16:57 And I tell you I started making some commitments to the Lord
17:00 about where I was gonna spend my time.
17:02 And I wanted to be able to give a reasonable amount of time
17:06 to my employment. I wanted to be able to get a reasonable
17:10 amount of time to my church family.
17:13 And I wanted to be able to give
17:15 a reasonable amount of time to my family and to my Lord!
17:19 And I tell you to start to bring those things into balance
17:22 was not an easy thing. And the Lord began to show me
17:26 where I could start cutting out of my life. And
17:29 one of the areas that I really had to deal with was my sports.
17:33 I was very involved in sports and
17:36 I needed to deal with that area.
17:39 And I began to do that, to invest it in my family
17:44 and in the Lord. And I tell you
17:46 I've never regretted that decision.
17:48 And neither have I.
17:50 Taking time it makes our marriages grow,
17:54 it makes them healthier, happier and in taking time
17:58 to plan to do things with each other or as a family.
18:02 - That's right! - That's very important!
18:03 That's one of the things we do in our time together
18:06 as we plan simple things that are gonna be highlights
18:09 in our family life. It may be planning a camping trip
18:12 something very simple. It doesn't cost a lot of money
18:15 to go to a park and pitch a tent.
18:18 It may be as simple as planning a picnic.
18:20 But taking time to plan together
18:24 makes life stay interesting for us.
18:28 That's right! Which leads us into the next area:
18:32 number four is keeping love alive by anticipation.
18:36 Isn't the anticipation great?
18:38 - I love to anticipate time with you!
18:41 You know, sometimes we think of anticipation
18:44 for things that are out there.
18:47 And we can make the anticipation happen in here,
18:52 in the marriage, in the family.
18:54 And so it's great to be able to take the time
18:58 to plan things that we can anticipate, special things
19:03 that we can look forward to, that we will plan together.
19:07 So here we have communication, we're taking time
19:09 and now we're creating anticipation.
19:13 You know when you think about whatever you're
19:15 looking forward to or you think about your children
19:17 what they anticipate and looking forward to
19:19 something special ahead. Anticipation
19:22 is a part of keeping love alive!
19:25 And then when it happens it builds memories.
19:28 And the memories are long. It's all the planning memories,
19:30 the fun you had planning it together,
19:33 doing it together and the living it again together
19:36 in our memories and that's very special anticipation.
19:40 You know if we anticipated our husbands return
19:44 from work every day
19:46 we might have a different marriage in our home.
19:49 If we anticipated to receive our husband back
19:52 with happiness and joy, looking forward to his return
19:57 it has made a huge difference in our marriage!
19:59 - Yes! - It can be that simple
20:00 anticipating what it's gonna be like, you know,
20:03 when we're together again at the end of the day.
20:05 Yes! and that's one of the things, you know,
20:08 as you were saying that, the little things.
20:12 I always looked forward and still look forward
20:15 to coming home. I'm thankful that the Lord has given us
20:17 the opportunity to minister together. So
20:19 you know, as a family we travel together and we
20:21 minister together but I always look forward to coming home.
20:25 But one of the things that you did that was a little thing
20:28 but it was important, is how you took care of yourself.
20:32 You know, lot of wives today, lot of people that we know
20:36 that we've heard stories about, you know, they dress up
20:40 great for Church, they dress up for their occasions,
20:44 they look great but what are they like at home?
20:48 And you, not that you dressed up in your church best
20:52 but you took care of yourself and you do take care of yourself
20:56 and you keep me anticipating coming home to you.
21:01 And that's keeping love alive!
21:04 I look forward to it
21:06 every time you come home.
21:08 I don't look forward to you having to leave
21:10 but I do look forward to you coming home.
21:11 Another thing that we found very effective in our marriage
21:15 to keeping love alive is to pray together.
21:18 - That's right! - We've prayed separately,
21:20 we've prayed together in worship,
21:21 but now we take a special time every day
21:24 and we don't miss it for anything!
21:26 No matter how late it is or if we're separated
21:30 even on the phone we'll communicate
21:32 and we'll pray together. That helps to keep our love alive!
21:36 - That's right! - And I really
21:37 appreciated those special prayer times together.
21:41 And they have been very special and continue to be.
21:44 And, you know, keeping love alive
21:49 is not just thinking of the marriage.
21:53 You know, as we have prayed more together
21:57 it has grown our relationship to keep our love alive
22:01 for our Heavenly Father! - That's right!
22:04 We have seen more of what He is doing for us
22:07 and what Christ is continuing to do for us.
22:10 Not just what Christ did for us on the cross of Calvary
22:13 but what Christ is doing for us day by day.
22:16 So only is it keeping our love alive
22:19 but it's keeping our love alive with our Heavenly Father.
22:23 And we talked about this in one of our other programs
22:26 "Prayers of Love", we talked about in more detail.
22:30 But if you are not praying together
22:33 with the one that God has given you to stand by your side
22:36 if you find yourself even saying right now
22:40 "I don't feel like praying with that person!"
22:44 "I'm just keeping my distance!"
22:46 Here again: don't go on the feelings that you have!
22:50 Maybe that's exactly what they need!
22:53 Maybe that's what the wife needs or the husband needs is
22:56 one of you to say, you know:
22:58 "We need to close our day together in prayer!"
23:02 And maybe that will open up for you a new love!
23:06 Rekindle that first love that may have been lost
23:11 to begin to keep love alive!
23:13 The other thing we've done during that prayer time
23:16 is to recount the blessings of the day.
23:19 - Yes! - And talk about those!
23:21 And that keeps our love alive, again for our Heavenly Father
23:25 but for each other and for the family and for our friends
23:28 and our extended family.
23:30 It's God's Plan! - That's right!
23:34 So it's been a real blessing in our home!
23:37 The sixth area that we wanna talk about is daily affection.
23:40 That will help keep love alive too!
23:43 You know, it's interesting that when you're courting
23:46 oh, you just can't wait until you have that first held hand or
23:50 that first time he puts his arm around you,
23:53 or that first kiss, they're all very special.
23:56 But they can be just as special every day!
23:58 - That's right! - Little affections,
24:01 ways we express affection daily to one another
24:05 will help keep our love alive!
24:07 That's right! And, you know, the thought that keeps
24:10 coming back to me is
24:11 maybe you don't feel like. Maybe these people out here
24:15 don't, some of them don't feel like it!
24:16 We haven't always felt like it ourselves all the times.
24:18 But what's so important is that we can choose!
24:23 We choose to do so many other things. I mean don't you
24:26 have days when you don't feel like going to work?
24:30 So what do you do? Well I hope you don't just
24:33 not show up!
24:35 No, you go to work because you need to do it!
24:37 Because you need employment, you need to have an income!
24:40 It's a very simple example! But it's a very practical example
24:44 that proves that each of us can do what we need to do
24:49 to keep going in life even if our whole heart
24:52 doesn't feel like it at the moment.
24:54 So we wanna encourage you, if you don't feel like affectionate
25:00 don't wait for the feelings to come back!
25:03 Start making the choice to start
25:06 putting your arms around your wife, your husband.
25:10 Start initiating something to rebuild the affection
25:15 and you will find that as you do this and surrender to Christ,
25:18 as He is helping you, as He is prompting you
25:21 to take her hand or put your arm around her
25:24 that He will rebuild and rekindle
25:28 and keep those affections alive!
25:32 The kisses that you give me after every meal
25:34 that was your idea and I can remember the first time
25:37 you did that: "Wow that's really neat!"
25:39 I felt really special, you know, to you!
25:42 And it told me that you were thinking of me. But then
25:44 it happened the next meal and the next day, and the next day
25:48 and the next at all the meals. And
25:50 - Getting tired of it? - Not at all! Not at all!
25:52 I will never get tired of your kisses! Sometimes
25:54 I'm preoccupied and I think at something else I have to do
25:57 or put on the table and you usually grab me by the hand
26:00 before I get out of the chair, say: "Honey!"
26:03 And I always am willing to sit down and get my kiss!
26:05 Well I'd like if I'd grab you by the hand right now!
26:09 We wanna keep love alive!
26:12 And we want you to be able to keep love alive!
26:15 Because as you keep your love alive
26:20 you will have a marriage that's heart to heart!
26:22 I think it would be good to pray together
26:24 for our love and their love. Shall we do that?
26:27 Father in Heaven we come to You because You
26:29 are the Author of love, You're the Author of marriage and
26:33 You are the one hat can keep our love alive!
26:36 Lord I thank You for the wife that You've given me
26:38 to stand by my side to be a help mate.
26:41 And Lord I pray for every husband and wife
26:43 that's listening, every young person that
26:46 may be anticipating marriage that they will choose
26:49 to accept the love that You have for them
26:52 to begin to kindle the right love and keep love alive
26:55 in our hearts. In Jesus name Amen!
27:01 next time we're gonna talk about a very interesting subject
27:05 moral purity. We need it in the generation that we live in!
27:10 Moral purity in a very degenerate age!
27:14 I hope that you will join us next time!
27:17 Because if we wanna have a marriage that's
27:20 truly heart to heart with the one God has given us
27:24 and truly heart to heart with the One
27:27 Who has given us everything, our Heavenly Father
27:30 then moral purity is a very important
27:34 in degenerating part of society that needs to be rebuilt.
27:38 So, join us next time
27:40 as we talk about moral purity for a marriage heart to heart!
28:25 Captions and translations by ChMS www.chms.ro