Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000021
00:30 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:32 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:36 Today we're gonna be sharing with you handling our emotions.
00:39 And there's some beautiful principles from the Word of God.
00:41 So, we hope you have a paper and pencil
00:43 and take some notes as we talk about
00:45 this important subject today.
00:48 Emotions, that's quite a topic isn't it?
00:51 - It is! We all have them too! - That's right!
00:54 So, it's not just women? - It's not just women!
00:58 And there are a lot of different kinds of emotions aren't there?
01:01 There's all kinds of emotions!
01:03 Well, we're gonna be talking about
01:04 some of the most common destructive emotions.
01:09 You know, we don't have to spend a lot of time
01:11 talking about the ones that are happy
01:14 and joyful and up building.
01:16 We need to be talking about how we can get passed the ones
01:20 that we don't want, that are destructive
01:23 emotions like fear
01:26 and the anger and hate.
01:29 Even the word hate is terrible isn't it?
01:33 - Yes, it's very coarse! - That's right!
01:36 Bitterness, jealousy,
01:40 grief, now grief, well,
01:43 grief is a normal process that we go through
01:46 especially when we lose someone that we love,
01:48 we often think of it in death. But even grief
01:52 if it is not handled appropriately
01:55 can be very destructive and devastating.
01:58 Anxiety, which is a common emotion
02:00 a response that we can often enter into.
02:04 Guilt and depression;
02:06 that's quite a list of them! - There's a big list and
02:10 I think many couples experience a varying of any one
02:13 or a number of those through their married life.
02:16 - That's right! - And they're emotions
02:18 that will destroy the relationship
02:21 and destroys the person. And when the person
02:23 allows themselves to become destroyed,
02:26 the relationship dies with it. - That's right!
02:28 So, why don't we talk about defining emotions?
02:31 We don't already know what they are?
02:34 We know what they are!
02:35 How they manifest themselves! - But where do they come from?
02:38 - Yes! - It's something that happens
02:40 in our mind. It's a thought that stimulates the mind,
02:44 an excitement and it leads to a visible response.
02:49 Something that we can feel, something that can be seen
02:53 in our countenance, in our eyes. I've often told you honey
02:57 "Your eyes are changing!
03:00 They're not as bright maybe as they were a few
03:02 moments before. " You know, and you say the same thing to me.
03:06 We wear our emotions as something we can't control.
03:10 They are a visible manifestation
03:12 of what is happening in our thoughts.
03:14 So we can't control them
03:15 that's what we're gonna be talking about.
03:18 But when we're experiencing them
03:20 can't necessarily hide them - That's right!
03:23 as well as we might want to sometimes.
03:25 - We can't cover them up! - That's right!
03:27 We can't control how we are in the outside.
03:30 But we can learn through Christ how to change our emotions
03:34 where they start: in the thoughts.
03:37 Well, I think probably most of the listening audience,
03:41 the viewing audience
03:43 knows what we are talking about but,
03:46 you know, as I was thinking: emotions,
03:48 I mean, emotions they do have an impact.
03:52 And I remember one day when we were talking about emotions
03:55 and we were trying to discover;
03:57 you know, what does it mean when we say
04:00 we have an emotion? Now we know what it is
04:02 when we cry, ok that's a response
04:04 to something that's going on inside. And I remember
04:07 I was sitting next to you and all of a sudden I went:
04:10 You did it again!
04:13 Did that have an effect on you? - Yes it does!
04:16 Now that typically is not the kind of emotion
04:19 that we are demonstrating.
04:23 It may have that kind of an action,
04:26 whether it may have a loud voice, but I think all of us
04:30 need to recognize that when we are experiencing emotions
04:35 that are not being governed
04:38 and hopefully governed by Christ,
04:40 they are having an impact on someone else
04:44 in addition to us. They're having an emotional
04:47 impact on us. They're changing us.
04:49 But it's also having an effect just like I can do that
04:54 and it can have an effect on you, even though you
04:57 know that I might do that.
04:59 It still has an effect doesn't it?
05:01 And even when I'm not prepared for it and I'm not
05:03 expecting it the effect is much more dramatic!
05:07 And that's why in a marriage when somebody's
05:10 emotions are displayed and the other person isn't
05:13 expecting there's going to be a problem,
05:16 the effects are so much more detrimental.
05:19 That's right!
05:20 So we need to talk about what's really happening
05:23 in emotions and what are we going to do to
05:28 deal with those emotions.
05:30 You know, there's a Bible principle
05:33 Proverbs 23 verse 7 it says:
05:37 "as he thinketh in his heart";
05:40 or as she thinketh in her heart;
05:44 "so is he" or so is she.
05:48 So that begins to tell us that
05:51 there is a place where emotions begin,
05:55 that there's a reaction, something stimulates,
06:00 an action or a reaction in us and it begins in our thoughts.
06:05 And I don't think that's a new thought to anybody out here
06:09 that where we begin to think leads us to
06:13 where we begin to act and where we begin to speak.
06:16 So there's a correspondence there
06:18 and if we understand what's happening in our thoughts
06:21 and what we're doing with those thoughts then we begin to
06:25 understand how we can work through some of these emotions.
06:29 So, it's what happens in our thoughts that change
06:33 our whole countenance. - That's right!
06:35 So then is it fair to say:
06:37 "You hurt my feelings!"?
06:43 'Cause I I've said that to you before!
06:44 - Yes you have! - "You've hurt my feelings!"
06:47 "You make me feel sad! You make me feel angry!"
06:51 "You make me feel irritated!"
06:54 "You make me!" Is that a fair statement?
06:57 No it isn't! And that's not just
07:00 a self justification of myself, is it?
07:03 No! It's not! 'Cause you've told me the same things too!
07:06 Ok? We really can't blame somebody else! We can't say
07:11 that that person
07:13 made me angry.
07:16 Now, what we really mean by that is:
07:19 What you did to me
07:22 is causing me to feel like I feel right now.
07:25 It's causing me to react the way I'm reacting right now.
07:29 But in reality
07:31 that means we're being controlled by another person,
07:33 by their actions.
07:35 What we really need to say and what we really
07:38 need to be honest with is that
07:41 I have to decide as you treat me this way
07:45 whether I am going to react like you are
07:48 and I'm going to take on the spirit that you have
07:51 and you are therefore going to be in control of me;
07:54 or whether I am going to
07:57 allow Christ to be in control of me
08:00 at that moment. What am I gonna do with those thoughts?
08:03 So, we have to go back to our thoughts, our choices
08:09 with those thoughts because the stimulus comes
08:12 to us and then we process it
08:15 and we decide how we're gonna respond.
08:17 And mostly - That's right!
08:18 our natural inclination is to respond
08:22 how it makes me feel or human response.
08:25 And this is why, you know, the Lord says:
08:28 "Without Me you can do nothing!"
08:29 - That's right! - We can't control
08:32 our emotions without the Lord!
08:34 Without Christ it is impossible for us to control our emotions!
08:39 But with Him all things are possible. And I know
08:41 when we began to understand this in our marriage
08:44 the tremendous difference it made.
08:46 So if you would respond, I'll say in a negative way to me
08:50 rather than letting my mind start going down
08:53 "You hurt my feelings! You make me feel sad!"
08:56 or this or that, I then choose to think
09:00 by Christ working in my thoughts
09:03 that "I know he really didn't mean to say that. "
09:05 "I know that's really not how he feels about me!"
09:08 "I know he's been under a lot of stress today!"
09:10 And it changes how I respond which then brings about
09:13 harmony and healing very quickly in the marriage
09:16 instead of a downhill situation! - Yes! A domino effect
09:20 that you know, one person says something to the other person
09:23 and they take up that spirit and pretty soon
09:26 you've lost the spirit of Christ in this situation.
09:29 I actually did an experiment one time that was very interesting
09:33 as I was trying to understand more deeply myself
09:36 what happens in emotional responses
09:40 So I did a little experiment like this:
09:42 I was sitting at my desk, simply thinking about
09:47 emotions and I wanted to see
09:50 what that Bible verse
09:53 "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he".
09:56 And so I began to reflect
09:59 on a very negative situation,
10:02 a situation that happened between me and another person,
10:05 a situation that had never been resolved
10:08 as far as that person towards me.
10:11 And I started thinking about it.
10:14 And you know within a minute or less
10:16 I started recognizing that my heart was pounding.
10:21 I could feel it pounding in my chest, I started becoming aware
10:26 that my blood pressure was raising.
10:28 I started recognizing that I was being anxious,
10:32 that I was feeling this anxiety coming as I was thinking
10:37 about this situation. It's interesting because it created
10:41 two responses in me,
10:43 two recognitions I guess I could say.
10:47 One is I never really understood
10:51 that clearly as I focused on that.
10:54 What a response happens inside of us? How it changes us?
10:58 How our thoughts begin to change our feelings
11:01 and how it begins to have an emotional response.
11:04 Secondly in that very situation I said:
11:07 "There's something I still need to deal with here!"
11:09 "That I need to deal with the Lord!"
11:11 "I can't wait for that other person!"
11:12 You know, many times I think the problem that
11:14 we have with emotions that are negative
11:16 is we're waiting for somebody else to do something to change
11:19 then I can feel better, then I can stop
11:21 having these emotional responses. And I realized
11:24 that Jesus was calling to me in that situation saying:
11:28 "Come on to Me!
11:29 All you that labor and are heavy laden
11:31 I will give you rest!"
11:33 And so, it was actually a beautiful experiment!
11:37 When that experiment took place
11:40 it had a dramatic effect in our relationship as well
11:43 because you began to recognize more clearly
11:46 how important it was to have your thoughts
11:49 where they need to be if I don't always respond right.
11:52 And I don't always respond right!
11:54 I haven't always responded right! Even though
11:56 I love you very much sometimes my self is still there!
12:00 And when that happens
12:03 and you had that experience I saw the direct correlation
12:07 in our marriage. And I think it's been
12:10 a very valuable experiment shall we say
12:13 testing the Word of God to see how it really operates
12:16 in the real moment by moment.
12:18 And then as we understand that the difference it can make
12:21 in our experience. - That's right!
12:25 And I want us to recognize as we're talking about this that
12:29 we don't have to be controlled by emotions!
12:32 We don't have to be controlled by somebody else's emotions!
12:35 And if we can recognize that we can have some victories
12:39 and we can have a new experience
12:41 that God wants to give us.
12:43 If we wanna have marriages that are truly heart to heart
12:46 we need to be dealing with our emotions!
12:48 And it begins by dealing with our thoughts!
12:51 Now, we need to take a break
12:52 but when we come back we're gonna talk about
12:55 some of those things that God wants to do
12:57 to change us so that we can have better marriages!
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13:44 Welcome back! Where we're talking about how
13:47 we can handle our emotions, better yet
13:51 how we can learn to allow Christ
13:53 to give us the Grace to handle our emotions in Him.
13:57 We've been talking about "as we think so we become".
14:01 And I know I've talked to many wives, not just a few,
14:04 who have the thought their husband doesn't love them.
14:07 Now, it's true that he may be not as sensitive
14:11 to them as he use to be. I know I went through that
14:13 for a period of time in our early marriage.
14:15 I didn't feel that you really loved me the way I loved you
14:19 or the way I thought you loved me.
14:21 But the thoughts entertain that a husband
14:24 doesn't love his wife if she continues
14:26 to entertain that thought
14:29 everything about what he does is all interpreted
14:33 by that thought. And what happens eventually
14:36 is that because of her response in the little things
14:40 in their communication, in their daily interactions
14:44 that she soon creates a very atmosphere
14:49 that she's been thinking of. Because is been so
14:52 prevalent in her mind. And it becomes
14:55 what we call in our home a self-fulfilling prophecy.
14:59 Yes! We've certainly seen that happen.
15:03 I'm happy to say that we've seen more couples
15:07 who are willing to break that fatal cycle
15:10 of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
15:13 But we've seen some very sadly who
15:16 continued to hold on to these opinions and hold on to
15:19 "This is how my husband treats me!"
15:21 and eventually
15:23 the man begins to treat her that way even
15:25 though that's not what was in his heart.
15:28 So it is with us for me for you and for everyone
15:31 of our listeners out there today that God wants to teach us
15:36 how we deal with our thoughts.
15:38 And that's why He tells us: "Let this mind be in you,
15:42 be in Me!" which was also in Christ Jesus
15:45 because as we learn to have the thoughts of Christ
15:48 we learn then to have our emotional responses
15:51 as Christ emotional responses were to those about Him.
15:55 And His emotional responses drew people to Him
15:58 and engendered love and harmony and beauty!
16:02 You know, one of the greatest blessings that
16:05 I think we've experienced and I know personally
16:07 that I've experienced, that has helped me in this area
16:10 of handling emotions;
16:12 is recognizing that it's the love of myself;
16:16 it's the love of self, the bottom of it all,
16:19 that really destroys my peace.
16:23 - And, - You mean it's not me dear?
16:26 I used to think sometimes it was you. If you would
16:28 just get on the right program with me
16:31 then I'd be, you know, everything would be great!
16:33 Now I can encourage you, right? And I can
16:37 be positive encouragement for you.
16:39 That's right! And that's the beauty of moving away from
16:43 the selfish "me focus", which we've talked about
16:45 from time to time on this program.
16:48 That focus always leads me to how you affect me,
16:54 how everybody affects me.
16:56 And that never brings peace!
16:59 And so it's been revolutionary to our marriage
17:03 to be able to recognize that when I don't have peace,
17:07 when I don't feel good in my self because of
17:10 something else that someone else has done or
17:13 some sort circumstances
17:16 it's not going to help to blame somebody else
17:18 or blame your circumstances. It doesn't matter
17:21 who starts it! It doesn't matter who's fault it is,
17:26 who said what, none of those things
17:29 are going to restore the peace
17:33 and the blessing into the marriage
17:36 until I'm willing to deal with my self.
17:39 In that moment I have a choice to make.
17:42 When you stepped on my toes or
17:43 as I perceived stepped on my toes, I have a choice to decide
17:47 whether I'm gonna follow my natural inclinations
17:50 respond to you in a similar spirit as I perceive you to have
17:54 or if I'm going to choose at that moment
17:59 to allow power that's outside of me and that power
18:03 is Jesus Christ, the Power of God
18:06 and the Salvation to everyone it believes.
18:08 If I'm going to choose my faith at that moment
18:11 to allow Him to have those thoughts,
18:14 those emotions that want to come
18:18 and allow Him to change me.
18:20 That's that transforming power right there.
18:23 And when that happens if I had had the wrong spirit
18:28 the best way to have me gain my peace back
18:31 is by you having that peace.
18:33 - That's right! - And so, instead of
18:34 trying to say: "Honey, you have a wrong attitude
18:38 toward me right now!" you know, and it may be true!
18:41 But because of you allowing Christ to give you that peace
18:46 that peace that passes all understanding
18:48 it's an encouragement to me to surrender my self
18:50 because I'm not having that peace
18:52 and I want that peace back too.
18:54 And that's what helps us to grow in a harmonious marriage.
18:57 And the thing I find so encouraging
18:59 through this whole process, because so often I said:
19:03 "I'm so weak I can't do this! I'm just a failure as a human
19:09 being" you know, to allow the
19:11 Lord, you know: "Why do I keep failing?"
19:14 But it says to the Apostle Paul that "Christ strength
19:19 is made perfect in weakness" and I've got a lot of weakness.
19:22 And when we believe that Christ strength, the power
19:26 to change our responses, to change our thoughts
19:31 to change the whole direction that we're going
19:33 our emotions, everything about us,
19:36 when we allow that strength to find its home in our weakness
19:41 and it changes that, that's very encouraging to me!
19:45 One of mine favorite verses too is Isaiah 26:3.
19:49 It says that, in a different way, but it says:
19:51 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace"
19:54 What kind of peace?
19:56 - Perfect! - Perfect peace! That's right!
19:58 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind
20:01 is stayed on thee because"
20:04 Why? "because: he trusteth in thee. "
20:09 Many times the Lord brings this to my mind
20:11 when I am not at peace.
20:14 And when I'm wanting to blame someone else
20:17 the Lord brings this to my mind that He
20:20 is the only one that can bring me back to peace
20:25 or keep me in perfect peace.
20:27 And the only way that's gonna happen
20:29 is if my mind is willing to be stayed on Him.
20:33 Which takes us back to that verse
20:34 we talked about in Proverbs:
20:36 "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he"
20:38 If we're willing to be surrendered in that
20:41 moment of time and I know you've heard us talk about this
20:46 in other programs. This surrender is so vital
20:49 because it takes me, it takes us to a power that's above us
20:53 and outside of us that has a life changing power
20:57 in the moment to heal us and bring that peace!
21:01 - It's a winning power! - Amen!
21:02 It's a winning power! And you know, I found that
21:05 sometimes my emotions, on the negative side
21:08 have been what's helped me to recognize
21:11 that I don't have that peace!
21:13 You know, we wanna argue: "Oh yes I'm at peace! I'm at peace!"
21:16 and you know, but we're not really at peace!
21:18 And, you know, the Lord uses sometimes
21:20 those negative feelings, the emotions that are very real,
21:23 that we experience. I call it the thing that comes up
21:26 from underneath, you know it just kind of
21:28 overwhelms. At that moment, sometimes is my first
21:32 recognition that I need Christ because I'm not doing
21:37 very good right now. And I've tried the blaming situation
21:41 and that doesn't give me any more peace
21:43 it only destroys our peace more.
21:45 And it affects a relationship in a negative way!
21:49 That's right! Does that mean then that we can never
21:51 talk about where the problem started?
21:54 Or who may be at fault in the situation?
21:57 No! Not at all! We have to be able to talk about that.
22:01 But it doesn't have to be done from a selfish perspective!
22:04 That's right! Because that's where the fatal cycle begins.
22:07 If we're trying to get someone else to be our solution
22:11 instead of letting Christ be our solution
22:14 and then come back to one another
22:17 in His solution, if we don't do that
22:20 we're never gonna find peace. We're gonna find a fatal cycle
22:23 that often takes too many marriages
22:25 in the wrong direction.
22:27 I remember
22:29 a story of a lady, a very powerful story.
22:34 And I know you remember the story very well.
22:36 This lady's husband, they were Christians,
22:40 they had a Christian family,
22:43 but he became very discouraged and his emotions
22:46 began to take him in a direction that was not right!
22:50 And he began to leave Christ. And eventually he
22:54 completely left everything that he, you know, that
22:57 called important to him in his Christian experience.
23:01 And he began to separate from his wife and
23:03 and only be home, you know, just very little.
23:07 And he separated from his children.
23:10 And I remember how this lady shared with us.
23:14 We were actually in their home and she shared the bitterness
23:17 that started to well up inside of her, and the hurt and the;
23:21 You remember the emotions, and the anger:
23:23 "How can he do this to me?!"
23:26 That's a very hard question to answer!
23:30 And she was experiencing all these emotions
23:32 and it was beginning to take her down and
23:33 her children were crying. And she begin to recognize
23:37 by the Grace of God, as the Spirit of Christ
23:40 was calling to her, the Holly Spirit was calling to her heart
23:42 and she began to recognize
23:44 that "I'm allowing my husband's turning from the Lord
23:49 to destroy me! I'm allowing to destroy my children!
23:54 I'm allowing this to do more damage than he's already done!"
23:58 And so, as you recall
24:00 she made a commitment,
24:02 a powerful commitment to God, on her knees
24:06 and with her children
24:08 that she would do all that she could do
24:11 to love her husband as he was. She would not compromise
24:14 principle, she would not enter into some of the sin
24:17 that he had gone back into. But she said:
24:20 " By God's Grace I am going to make this home
24:23 a little taste of Heaven! Because
24:26 if my husband continues in the way that he's going he
24:28 will have no Heaven to look forward to!
24:31 And I want to make this life a little bit like Heaven! "
24:34 What a powerful testimony
24:36 of what happened of the next few month as that man began
24:41 to respond to the love that he saw in his wife!
24:44 And he himself told us
24:46 that it was the love of his wife
24:48 giving him a reflection, a taste of Jesus and a taste of
24:52 what Heaven is really like when she should have been
24:56 angry and bitter against him!
24:59 That actually began to win his heart back to his family
25:04 and he returned to the Lord!
25:06 So what an opportunity we have
25:09 maybe again, not in that kind of a devastating situation
25:13 but in our day to day interactions and communication.
25:18 Rather than responding the way self wants to respond,
25:22 rather than to wanna get even or to get into the same spirit
25:25 that somebody else is having we can
25:28 allow Christ to make the difference in us
25:32 and give that person,
25:35 give our wife, our husband a little taste of Heaven!
25:40 You know, sometimes honey, it's not just circumstances
25:42 in a marriage or words that are spoken,
25:45 our misunderstandings that cause
25:48 the stress or cause the disharmony
25:50 or cause emotions to come; sometimes
25:52 there are physical issues! - That's right!
25:54 And I know you remember all too well
25:57 a number of years ago when I had a surgery
25:59 and I lost all of my female organs
26:02 that my whole emotional - That's right!
26:04 status just went totally haywire!
26:08 My emotions were uncontrollable! I felt so discouraged
26:12 and low and even depressed at times.
26:16 And I recognized those emotions were
26:19 going to destroy me and they would have
26:23 a destroying effect on my family! And I didn't want them
26:26 but it was a physical response that I was experiencing.
26:30 And even with that I found God's Grace is sufficient!
26:34 Because when I recognized those dark days of depression
26:38 I made choices, not because I felt like it!
26:41 But because I believed God and I believed His Word!
26:45 - Amen! - And I had to make a choice
26:46 of faith, which everyone of these
26:48 is going to be a choice of faith.
26:49 And when I made those choices of faith one by one by one
26:53 pretty soon the day started to get a little brighter.
26:55 And the Lord helped me for a number of years
26:57 until those hormone issues got solved to resolve that.
27:01 And I wasn't taken down by that.
27:03 So there are other issues out there!
27:06 They can affect our emotions but whatever they may be
27:09 God's Grace is sufficient! - Amen!
27:11 And I think it would be good right now as we
27:14 come to the close of this session just to ask God's Grace
27:16 for our viewing audience.
27:19 Father in Heaven we know Your Grace is sufficient
27:21 You know the issues that people are facing,
27:23 the anger issues, the hurt
27:25 the various emotions, and we ask Lord for Your Holy Spirit
27:28 to work now! In Jesus name Amen!
27:32 Well, next time we get together
27:34 we're gonna be talking about when counseling is necessary.
27:37 Maybe there's issues that can't seem to get resolved
27:40 in the marriage. When counseling is necessary
27:43 next time we get together!