Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000009
00:33 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart
00:35 We are Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:39 Today we're going to be talking about the Grave for Faults.
00:41 So we hope you have your pencil and paper ready
00:44 as we begin this interesting topic today.
00:47 You know, one of the greatest curses that face marriages
00:51 and that destroys communication
00:55 is complaining,
00:57 fault finding,
00:59 and gossip.
01:01 It's terrible!
01:03 What are we gonna do about it dear?
01:05 That's a good question!
01:07 And I think it's a problem that a lot of marriages experience
01:10 is this fault finding and criticism,
01:12 - That's right! - And complaining.
01:14 And it's a problem that I had, I know for a period of time.
01:17 And it really didn't help us at all!
01:21 It only hurt us in our relationship.
01:23 Well, and I think it happens with men
01:25 maybe differently than it does with women.
01:28 But I know that there was criticisms, I was finding faults
01:33 And I think the difference, at least in our situation is that
01:38 there was somebody that you started sharing some of that and
01:44 you told me it was kind of to get some sympathy.
01:47 Yes! I think the difference between you and I is that
01:50 you shared your criticisms with me.
01:52 Which is where they should've been shared!
01:54 Even though they may not have been shared in the right spirit.
01:56 And I tended to share with this one particular friend.
02:00 You know some of my discontents or my disappointments.
02:04 And that really didn't help me because I had no balancing
02:08 person on the other side.
02:10 It was only here in my side
02:12 of the issue.
02:13 And it didn't help me to resolve things.
02:16 What I saw happening as I started focusing in this areas,
02:20 that became, that started little, that became bigger
02:23 and bigger and pretty soon that's what I started seeing
02:25 in you and that's what you started becoming to me.
02:28 And it was
02:30 quite a scary thing.
02:33 So, it doesn't sound like a really good friend!
02:36 Because, from what I understood,
02:40 she was actually drawing some of this stuff.
02:43 Trying to.. -Well I didn't see that at first
02:46 but I remember once, in my personal study time,
02:49 that I had come across something "that the wives
02:52 heart should be the grave for her husbands faults"
02:55 Sounds good for me.
02:57 Yes! Not only for you! It's really good for both of us.
02:59 That's right!
03:00 My heart needed to be the grave for your faults.
03:03 None of us are perfect!
03:05 And there's always gonna be little things
03:06 that crop up weaknesses or areas of difficulty
03:12 that can crop up. - Yes!
03:13 And if that becomes our focus that changes
03:16 the whole relationship!
03:18 And so, when I read that, it's like the Lord stepped
03:21 right on my toes with that!
03:23 And it's just what I needed to hear!
03:25 And I remember the next time we got together
03:28 I was determined, I was going to let my heart be
03:31 the grave for your faults.
03:32 Because in reality the faults weren't as big as I had
03:35 made them out to be.
03:36 And I can remember right where we were standing in the kitchen
03:39 and she started asking me because I wasn't volunteering
03:42 this time any information. She was asking me questions:
03:45 "Well, how is it with Tom?"
03:46 And I said to her: "I have no complaints!" I said that:
03:49 "The Lord is changing him"
03:51 "The things that he struggles with in the past
03:53 those aren't issues with him anymore!"
03:56 And I can remember her coming back around and saying:
03:59 well, you know: "What about this, and what about that?"
04:01 and I said:"Really, this isn't a weakness that he had, and I
04:05 took responsibility for my part. "
04:07 Even though she wanted to dig a little bit,
04:09 I didn't wanna go there.
04:11 And I saw the difference that made in my heart.
04:14 And that is what began to change me and convince me
04:17 that this needed to be very much a part of who I am
04:21 for you in our marriage,
04:22 to protect our marriage.
04:24 That was a blessing to me, when I realized the position
04:28 that you had taken on that.
04:30 I mean it was a comfort to me,
04:32 because it says in Proverbs 31:
04:35 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her"
04:41 Now, this was an area that was a little difficult.
04:43 Some times I didn't know what, you were gonna be talking about
04:46 in that situation.
04:48 And so, you were willing, for my sake
04:52 and for the sake of our marriage,
04:53 to make the faults that I had,
04:57 some of them you had turned in to bigger than they were,
04:59 some of those little, - That's right!
05:02 things. But I believe that by doing that
05:05 you created an environment where
05:07 I could safely trust in you.
05:09 And I've always been able to safely trust in you
05:12 since that time.
05:13 And that's the way it should be in our marriage.
05:15 And I want that because I wanna create that environment
05:19 that you can trust in me. And I have no complaints.
05:22 And if there's anything that I don't like, you're the first one
05:26 that I will come to with.
05:28 And that's the way it should be.
05:29 And not to focus on those little weaknesses because
05:32 we all have them.
05:34 I think that we men can help facilitate this if we want
05:39 to have our wife be someone we can safely trust in.
05:43 Than I think we need to play a part in that because
05:47 we need to be able to communicate together.
05:49 Isn't that right? - That's right!
05:50 If there are things that are happening,
05:52 if I don't want those to turn into mountains,
05:55 if I wanna keep them as they are, some of are...
05:58 it's the little things. We've talked about that before.
06:01 Than we need to be able to communicate.
06:03 You need to be able to talk to me about it.
06:05 We need to be able to sit down and look at some of these things
06:08 That I think, we as husbands can do to help our wife
06:12 in that situation. So if we want her to bury those things and
06:17 we want her heart to be the grave for our faults
06:20 we need to be able to work through those things together.
06:22 That's right!
06:23 And to change those things where we are
06:25 - That's right! - what we can do.
06:26 Is not that we just stuff them under you know, we bury them.
06:29 Anything that's buried goes down dead. And that's
06:31 a very important part. Many people think
06:33 they're burying these issues,
06:35 and they're just stuffing them down alive and they and
06:36 they keep erupting - That's right!
06:38 in the relationship.
06:39 We need to bury them and they can only go down dead,
06:42 if we allow Christ to crucify those feelings
06:45 and those thoughts in ourselves.
06:47 Then they can be put to the grave and really be dead.
06:50 And then the areas that are real, then help each other
06:53 to grow in, that we can strengthen those weaknesses
06:56 and change.
06:58 That's right!
06:59 And I think it works both ways it isn't just something
07:02 I know you read this but
07:04 it also applies to the husband as well.
07:07 Husbands it really does apply to us that
07:12 our hearts should be the grave of our wives faults as well.
07:17 Because what it does: it creates an environment in the home:
07:19 a safe trusting environment.
07:22 Where we can..
07:24 we're honoring each other.
07:26 There's no reason, that her people have to be involved
07:29 and a lot of the petty things that husbands and wives
07:32 end up sharing outside of the Sacred Circle.
07:36 And as you said a moment ago, it isn't just a matter of
07:40 you just keep being that way or I just keep being this way
07:42 and we just stuff it down and we
07:44 you know say: "Well, we gotta bury it!"
07:46 "Now it's gotta be buried!
07:50 And it wont be buried dead if we keep it alive!
07:54 An it won't be buried dead if we don't work through it,
07:57 in our hearts.
07:59 That's right! So, when we go back again to 1 Corinthians 13
08:04 it talks about what love will do. This divine love that God
08:07 wants to put in our hearts.
08:09 It changes who we are! It changes our relationship!
08:12 It changes how we treat each other!
08:14 That's right!
08:15 And it improves our relationship
08:17 as husband and wife.
08:18 It sure has!
08:19 Definitely has!
08:20 You know, it creates a sheltering love.
08:24 You know, when you think about,
08:26 isn't it a nice thought? I mean think about that,
08:29 Friends, as a sheltering love. It's a safe place for us
08:32 to be together
08:34 in our relationship!
08:35 And that's the kind of environment
08:36 that we've created in the home.
08:38 Does that mean that I don't have anymore faults?
08:42 No! Neither do I!
08:44 I mean, I also have a few too!
08:46 So it doesn't mean that suddenly all the faults had gone away.
08:49 But, what makes he difference is
08:52 the environment that we deal with those faults in.
08:55 I'm convinced that I can come to you
08:59 and I can talk to you about the things that are bothering you,
09:01 the things that are chafing or agitating to me.
09:04 You can come to me!
09:06 That sheltering love that 1 Corinthians love that bears
09:10 that believes, that hopes and endures all things,
09:14 that kind of love creates a sheltering love environment
09:18 for growing. And prepares the way.
09:21 And prepares our hearts, if I can say this.
09:23 It prepares our hearts to be a good burial ground
09:27 for the faults
09:28 of the one we love!
09:30 So, I think there are two important points that we need
09:32 to bring out in this: our heart being the grave
09:35 for our spouses faults. And the first thing is:
09:38 Is the fault even real?
09:41 Because many of the situations that couples face,
09:44 and some of these were in my own experience.
09:47 What I was seeing as a weakness,
09:48 really wasn't a weakness at all.
09:50 Is just something that you did differently than I did.
09:54 And I didn't understand why you did it the way you did it,
09:56 and I wanted you to do it my way, therefore I saw it
09:59 as a fault for you or as a weakness.
10:01 - That's right! - So, is it even real?
10:03 We have to determine: Is this a real problem?
10:07 Well, I think one of the things and..
10:10 It happened particularly early in our marriage.
10:14 One of the things that would happen when I had my list
10:17 of things to do,
10:19 it wasn't a really organized list,
10:21 I've learned a lot of organization skills
10:24 in our marriage together.
10:25 And, you know, that was an irritation to you some times.
10:31 Because I'd take my list and I'd go to town
10:34 and it would take me a lot longer to get things done
10:36 because I wasn't organized very well.
10:39 And yet, that faults, you were very gracious to me
10:43 in that fault but I didn't like how you tried to help me.
10:47 Do you remember that?
10:50 Because instead of taking your strength and my weakness
10:53 and combining that, that's what we're doing now,
10:54 in every area of our marriage.
10:57 Because it's exciting. And I think you folks need to realize
11:01 that it's exciting when we take the things that
11:05 are weaknesses, or are faults, or things that we differ on
11:08 and we can blend them together.
11:10 Because now,
11:12 how do I do when I
11:14 have to take care of things? - You're very organized.
11:16 Very organized.
11:17 But I've learned a lot of that in working together
11:20 in our marriage.
11:21 But back in the early days,
11:23 I'd say things like: "Stay out of my business!"
11:26 You know: "I can do this myself!" Right?
11:30 And I viewed your strength,
11:33 as a fault!
11:35 It wasn't really a fault!
11:37 It's not something that I really needed to bury.
11:40 I had a fault!
11:41 And you were trying to help me in that fault.
11:43 And you were doing it in a very nice way,
11:45 trying to offer to me. And it wasn't until we started
11:48 understanding how to communicate better and how
11:51 to give these things to the Lord,
11:53 that now we take those strengths and weaknesses
11:55 and we blend them together.
11:57 And I used to just give you my list.
12:01 That was kind of a transition point.
12:03 I'd say: "You take it!"
12:04 - "And organize it for me!" - "Organize it for me!"
12:07 "Rather than fight over it. "
12:10 Now, I don't even need to give you my list.
12:12 'Cause I've learned! It's been a blessing.
12:15 And so, is it real faults?
12:18 Many times it isn't a real fault I remember that experience
12:22 of the couple that we were talking to just recently.
12:25 And it wasn't. The things she was trying to deal with
12:28 on her husband they weren't real, were they?
12:30 That's right!
12:31 She felt that her husband was always interested
12:34 in other women.
12:35 That's right!
12:36 You know, any what time they would be anywhere in public
12:38 and she would see, you know
12:39 they were the other women around, she was concerned that
12:42 he had eyes for other women. - That's right!
12:44 And it became so real to her that she started
12:47 seeing this in him. And it was not a weakness of his.
12:50 - And so... - She started reading
12:51 all of the things he did. - Yes!
12:53 Like if he get too close to a women
12:54 - Yes or pass them by just naturally you know.
12:57 - Or smile. - Yes. Or just, you know,
12:59 normal human courteous behavior. - That's right!
13:02 And I can remember as we talked together I asked her
13:05 some basic questions.
13:07 "What has he done?"
13:09 "Has he? You know, is he staying away from home late?"
13:13 "Is he hiding things from you?"
13:14 A lot of these questions. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
13:18 "Really is it a problem?"
13:20 "He's given you no evidence that this is
13:24 a weakness of his!"
13:25 And in reality it was her weakness.
13:28 She had the weakness, she was looking at other men on the side
13:33 And she projected that weakness unto him.
13:35 That's right!
13:36 And he became suspect to her.
13:38 It wasn't even a real fault!
13:40 And she didn't even realized it was her own weakness
13:42 until we had that discussion.
13:44 So, we have to evaluate and bring it to it's core.
13:49 to the root of the problem. - That's right!
13:50 And that's how we saw. We have to get to the root
13:53 to root the problem out.
13:55 To can lop up the fruit on the top of the surface.
13:58 That's right! And I wanna just for a moment back up
14:01 to that term you brought up: projection.
14:05 This is something we've seen many times in our counseling.
14:08 And I think it's something that
14:10 you, the viewing audience need to think about.
14:14 Husbands, wives,
14:16 are you taking things that,
14:18 in this case that we just shared, this lady
14:21 was taking things that were out of her past,
14:23 her own insecurities and things that we don't need to get into
14:27 here, but she was projecting that unto her husband.
14:31 He was not doing these things.
14:34 And I just wanna encourage you as we talk about this
14:37 to be able to separate what are real faults.
14:41 And what are the ones that are just perceived
14:44 and that we're actually
14:45 projecting out of our own weakness.
14:47 When we come back, in just a moment
14:49 stay with us because we're gonna talk about
14:52 what we do, when the faults are real.
14:55 And how we get passed those faults!
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15:33 Welcome back! Where we're talking about
15:36 the Grave for Faults.
15:39 Each other's faults.
15:41 It's not to be put out there!
15:43 It's not to be stuffed down,
15:46 while it's still alive!
15:47 A grave is a place for things that are dead!
15:51 And we were talking about
15:53 what if I think my wife has a fault?
15:56 And the reality of it is: I'm just projecting some of my
15:59 own weaknesses and trying to blame her
16:01 and it's not her fault at all!
16:03 And now, we wanna talk about:
16:05 if the fault is real!
16:08 How do we know if the fault is real?
16:11 We have to really evaluate it in our own heart, right?
16:13 And that happens through communication between
16:15 one and other. - That's right!
16:17 First of all identify it!
16:19 And then talk about it! Is it exaggerated?
16:22 'Cause sometimes we've identified little faults
16:24 in each other that we've been able to talk about,
16:27 but in the person perceiving it it's much more exaggerated.
16:31 And it's out of perspective.
16:34 But by being able to talk about it we bring it into
16:36 a real level of a weakness.
16:40 Not an exaggerated. So that's important when we identify
16:44 that the weakness or the fault is real.
16:46 That we exaggerate it, to make it bigger than it is.
16:51 We have enough challenge to deal with them when
16:54 they're little. So let's not make our work harder
16:56 in our marriages.
16:57 That's right!
16:58 You know, you hit on something that's very important.
17:01 It's very obvious! But it's lacking in many marriages today!
17:06 And that is: we need to be able to communicate about these
17:10 And we're not gonna be able to communicate very well if
17:12 we're not in a safe environment,
17:13 which is what we were talking about earlier.
17:16 If we're not in a safe environment, within our home,
17:18 in a sheltering love environment.
17:21 And I remember a couple that called me and they were
17:26 right on the verge. In fact the lady had gone to
17:30 an attorney,
17:32 and was
17:34 ready to proceed with a divorce filing.
17:39 I picked up the phone one day and
17:41 I now you remember the story very well, but I
17:44 picked up the phone one day and
17:45 this lady is on the other end and she said:
17:48 "I know what your ministry does. I know you work
17:51 in restoring marriages and families". And
17:55 she said: "I went to a divorce attorney. "
17:59 But she said: "As I was there I just had this prompting
18:04 that I needed to give our marriage one more chance. "
18:07 And she said: "So, I'm calling you!"
18:10 And: "I wanna give God one more chance!"
18:13 Well, that's a pretty heavy responsibility, isn't it?
18:15 Yes! Very heavy!
18:17 And that's why in these situations we are always praying
18:21 As we proceed in a conversation like this.
18:25 I had the opportunity to begin counseling with this couple.
18:31 The husband and wife were the husband
18:33 was really shocked that this was gonna be happening.
18:36 But, as you know, the reason
18:38 that this husband was shocked is because
18:40 they weren't communicating. He didn't realize how bad it was.
18:44 And I remember, as we talked together,
18:47 on the phone, one of the things that they both identified
18:50 that they hadn't previously,
18:52 because now they hearing each other saying it on the telephone
18:56 They realized that there was a huge
18:59 misperception over a fault.
19:03 That was not really real, it was perceived.
19:05 And I heard the wife say:
19:08 "You mean you haven't felt that way?"
19:10 "Towards me all these years of marriage?"
19:12 He said: "No, I've never felt that way!"
19:15 Well, the problem was: they weren't communicating!
19:17 And the walls had been building up.
19:20 And then as I addressed him on the situation
19:23 and he began to share his perspective,
19:26 it was, there was a total break down!
19:28 there in their communication!
19:30 And over the next few months,
19:32 we were talking together and
19:35 what that wife needed
19:37 more than anything was to know that her husband
19:40 loved her enough to give her at least one afternoon
19:43 and evening
19:45 one afternoon and evening a week.
19:48 That he could commit to her.
19:49 He was very busy! He was very busy in his business.
19:55 And he was very dedicated!
19:56 And it seemed like every time that
19:59 the business called he was ready to go!
20:02 But he wasn't meeting the needs of his wife.
20:05 There, in that phone conversation he made
20:07 that commitment
20:09 to me
20:10 for his wife.
20:12 And you know, it was beautiful to watch
20:13 over the next few weeks as we talked,
20:16 that as he made that commitment
20:17 he would nothing come between that commitment
20:21 for his wife.
20:22 And you know, she began to tell me, in our conversations
20:26 with the three of us, she began to tell me:
20:28 "I know now how much my husband really loves me!"
20:32 "Because not everything else is pushing us apart!"
20:35 And as we continued to talk about the other faults and
20:39 the other weaknesses that were there,
20:40 and some of them were very real,
20:42 but now we had a basis of communication.
20:45 And at the end of three months
20:48 I remember, I'll never forget the day,
20:50 that they were both on the phone and the wife said to me,
20:53 she said: "Can we just do this on an as needed basis?"
20:58 She said: "I have never loved my husband
21:02 as much as I love him now!"
21:04 "Even on our wedding day, I did not love him
21:07 like I love him now!"
21:09 My heart was thrilled!
21:10 Because this was a marriage
21:13 over some very simple faults,
21:15 some of which were misunderstood,
21:18 - Some not real and some real. - That's right! Some, that
21:20 were not real, some that were perceived,
21:22 that they had been dividing
21:24 and their communication had become less and less.
21:26 And to see that marriage come back together
21:29 was a thrill to my soul!
21:32 Because God wants to restore homes!
21:34 And there are people out here today that are listening
21:37 today, that are finding themselves
21:41 with those kind of perceived faults.
21:44 Some of those real faults and those have separated.
21:49 You know, it was interesting, she said to me,
21:52 before she closed that conversation,
21:56 that she was now the happy bride of her husband.
22:01 She was the joyful bride,
22:04 that she had not been in many years in their marriage.
22:07 And was it right on the verge of seeing that marriage destroyed.
22:11 So, sometimes it isn't the major crisis!
22:14 That's right!
22:15 It's many times these faults that go unburied
22:18 they go, undone with, that begin to stack up
22:21 and create the crisis.
22:23 That's right!
22:24 While we try to stuff them down, but they get bigger
22:26 and bigger and bigger because they're growing
22:27 underneath the surface. - Yes! They're no dead!
22:29 - They're not dead! - That's right!
22:30 And we need to learn how to put those things down.
22:32 That's right!
22:33 And that's why our dependence on God is so important.
22:36 When there's a, when I have a
22:39 a difficulty, when I perceive something from you, if I see
22:42 weakness I need to ask God to help me be the one
22:47 to encourage you for change instead of criticizing you
22:50 or putting you down or demean you.
22:53 Even in the way we communicate, can be very demeaning.
22:56 - That's right! - So I need to ask God
22:57 to help me to be the person, the wife the true help meet I can be
23:01 to help you make that change. And you do that for me.
23:04 And then the weaknesses turn into strength.
23:07 - That's right! - And they dissipate.
23:09 And I know that we still have weaknesses
23:10 but sometimes it's hard to even remember them. I mean
23:13 you know, we've challenged ourselves, you know: where are
23:16 where are our weak areas?
23:18 And are we really working with that?
23:20 So, we, each individually, whatever it's the husband
23:23 or the wife have a key responsibility
23:26 in the making the difference.
23:27 The one who recognizes it, rather than complain
23:30 let's turn it in: "let's restore the marriage through that.
23:33 And that's the exciting part.
23:35 If we can convince you
23:39 that if you will take this to the Lord and if you will
23:45 and we're gonna spend some time
23:47 - Talking about communication. - Yes several different programs
23:49 on communication! - That's right!
23:50 Because it's vitally important! It's the lack of communication
23:53 that often leads to these misperceptions.
23:56 But if you will take the time to begin to communicate
23:59 if you will allow your
24:02 your faults to be revealed. You know,
24:04 one of the hardest things for either of us
24:07 when we're in the "me focus"
24:09 is to let the other person really express
24:12 the fault!
24:14 And now, I can say this to you as I can say it to my wife
24:18 She can come to me now, not that I always like it,
24:21 not that it always feels good,
24:23 but she can come to me and we can talk about my faults.
24:27 I can go to her and talk about her faults.
24:30 Because we know, that at the end of it we're gonna be better.
24:33 We're gonna have a better marriage!
24:34 That's right!
24:35 And the openness to do that, not to come to criticize but
24:39 to come to encourage and to restore. That's the key
24:43 - That's right! - In facing these weaknesses
24:45 that we each have.
24:47 So that's really the challenge that we have for them.
24:51 Is that they would be willing
24:53 not just hearing us, but that you would be willing
24:56 to really, honestly allow your wife or your husband
25:00 to come to you!
25:01 Allow, for that communication that can happen!
25:05 So, the weaknesses that we see, they can be real.
25:09 But, how we respond to them is the key!
25:13 And if each one of us
25:16 if each one of you
25:18 would let your heart be the grave yard for those faults
25:22 you will see a difference in your marriage.
25:24 And it doesn't have to take weeks and months and years!
25:27 You're gonna see the difference in days!
25:29 Sometimes in an hour!
25:31 It's incredible to see the difference!
25:33 That's right!
25:34 So what's their challenge?
25:36 Well, the challenge that all of us have:
25:40 Let's find out if they're real!
25:41 - That's right! - Ok?
25:43 Let's be honest! And the place to find out if they're real
25:46 is not just by my perception.
25:49 - It's on our knees! - It's on our knees
25:50 before the Lord! We need to find out:
25:52 Is this really real?
25:54 And if it is real?
25:56 We find out that it's real, we need to start praying.
26:00 Not to change my wife!
26:02 Now, we can do that! But I wanna suggest to you
26:05 that where we need to start praying first is Lord!
26:08 We need to see this buried!
26:10 Not buried alive! This needs to be buried:
26:12 "Give me that real forgiveness,
26:15 and let it be buried in my heart!"
26:17 Because if it's buried there dead,
26:20 than I'm gonna have the best opportunity of helping
26:23 you to work through that real fault that's there.
26:25 That's right!
26:27 So, if we need God to help us with this, than maybe we can
26:31 turn to God right now,
26:33 as we close! Do you wanna close in prayer honey?
26:38 Father, we're thankful that You do have a
26:40 forgiving Spirit towards us.
26:42 And that You remember our sins no more.
26:46 And help us as husbands and wives
26:48 that we too can give our spouse
26:55 that part of our heart that will
26:56 bury those faults and weaknesses
26:58 to be remembered no more.
27:00 And if they're real Lord, help us to be
27:01 the instrument in Your Hands
27:03 to strengthen and to uplift and to change!
27:07 And we believe that this can be done.
27:08 Because You are the God of all flesh
27:10 and there is nothing to hard for You and we thank you
27:14 for Your willingness! In Jesus name Amen!
27:19 Well, we've got another exciting subject,
27:23 next time we get together!
27:25 Building a Foundation!
27:27 We've had to build that foundation, haven't we?
27:30 We've built the first one that wasn't very strong!
27:32 - That's right! - The second one has
27:33 withstood tempests and trials! - That's right!
27:36 Building a sure foundation!
27:39 And we're gonna find out how we build that,
27:42 next time we're together!