Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000006
00:34 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart
00:36 We are Tom and Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:40 and we hope you brought a paper and pencil along, because we
00:43 remember about 10% of what we hear. That means we forget 90%.
00:48 So by taking notes and writing things down that impress
00:51 your heart you can develop your marriage into
00:54 a heart to heart relationship!
00:56 Last time that we were together we were talking about
00:59 Developing Respect
01:00 Today we're going to talk about: Cultivating Restraint!
01:05 They go hand in hand! Don't they, honey?
01:06 They do!
01:08 They accent each other!
01:11 So, I wonder how the people did last time with their homework!
01:16 Their challenge.
01:18 We had a little homework of our own didn't we?
01:19 Yes we did!
01:21 Cultivating that kindness.
01:24 And you want to tell them what you did for me last night?
01:26 while you were cultivating kindness?
01:28 I gave you a nice head massage!
01:30 Oh, it was wonderful!
01:32 Husbands! You need to get a really great head massage!
01:36 It's wonderful to relax you! Especially after you've
01:41 had a busy day at the office!
01:43 Get a nice head massage. That was cultivating kindness!
01:47 That's what my wife was doing for me!
01:49 Developing Respect! Right?
01:50 That's right!
01:52 And today we want to talk about: Cultivating Restraint!
01:55 And that's something that goes hand in hand!
01:57 You can't really separate them. Because if I'm
02:00 developing respect for you, than I'm also learning
02:03 how to be restrained myself.
02:05 I remember a long time ago, even before we were married
02:09 we had one of those conversations.
02:11 You now, where we talk about everything. This one particular
02:14 night we were talking about when we were married
02:16 would we have pets?
02:18 And if we would, what kind we would have?
02:20 Do you remember that conversation?
02:23 Well, I remember you sharing this conversation with me.
02:28 Well, we both grew up in different settings.
02:33 A grew up in suburbia and you grew up on the farm.
02:36 And so, my vote for an animal, for a pet was to have a cat.
02:42 And your vote was a dog!
02:45 And, in my home the cat was a house cat!
02:50 It was in the house and out of the house.
02:52 And in your home the cat was in the barn.
02:56 Very efficient cats! Yes!
02:57 You called them "mousers", right?
03:00 And I didn't think that that was too impressive. But anyway
03:02 obviously we didn't agree at that time. This is what
03:05 I remember.
03:07 Clear back in our engagement time.
03:10 And so, as time went on and we came to the solution
03:14 that we would have a pet when we had children.
03:19 And if we had a girl we would have a cat.
03:22 And if we had a boy we would get a dog.
03:24 It was kind of one of those gender things, you know.
03:27 So, I remember when we first had our first child.
03:32 Allison we named her.
03:33 And I reminded you of this conversation.
03:36 Oh yes you did!
03:38 I said honey, we've got a girl we can get a cat!
03:41 And how did I respond to that? Do you remember?
03:44 You had no recollection of the conversation at all. In fact,
03:47 I figured, that because you love cats so much
03:51 that you have probably dreamed about this conversation.
03:55 Because I don't remember it ever happening!
03:58 And I remembered it very clearly!
03:59 And that's where we get in conflict in a marriage!
04:03 When one person remembers a conversation,
04:05 and it's clear to them! And of course they don't believe
04:08 they'd made it up!
04:10 And the other person doesn't have any idea
04:12 of the conversation ever taking place.
04:15 There we have the recipe for conflict!
04:18 So how do we deal with this kind of situations?
04:21 Well, we found a solution and that was to just not to get
04:24 any pet at that time!
04:26 Then when we had our second child we named her Emily.
04:29 And I reminded you again of this pre-marriage conversation.
04:35 And you still didn't remember it!
04:38 I'm starting to remember it better now.
04:40 Now, that I've heard this a few times!
04:42 Because I reminded you so much of it, right?!
04:45 But, we had a choice to make.
04:49 Do we get upset? Do we loose respect?
04:52 Do we loose our personal restraint? Because
04:55 I have to be right?
04:56 Or are we willing to look for another alternative?
04:59 Well, we did have a third child!
05:02 And his name was Josiah!
05:04 And we didn't get a dog!
05:06 We didn't get a dog!
05:08 And I didn't try to remind you about that conversation, right?
05:10 That's right! You didn't!
05:12 But, it's interesting that through the years
05:14 this little topic has come up in our marriage from time to time.
05:19 And we needed to learn through this experience.
05:23 How to develop restraint. How to cultivate that restraint.
05:26 And even as a mother with the children when they were young
05:29 I can remember going to this store, and you'd see these
05:32 corkboard boxes out- front, you know. Of course Id knew
05:35 what there were in there. Right?
05:36 Kittens of course! And you know they're free! And I would
05:38 take the children up and they go: "Oh mommy! Mommy!
05:41 Can I get one of these?"
05:43 And I would say: "No, not today!"
05:45 "It's not going to be good for us to take a kitty home today!"
05:48 And I never said: "I want a cat! It's your father!"
05:51 "You've got to convince your dad that he needs to get you a cat."
05:55 That is undermining you and your desires and wishes in the home.
06:00 And so, it was interesting the first time our children ever
06:03 learned, and they were all teenagers.
06:05 That I wanted a cat and you didn't want a cat in the home.
06:08 Was when they heard us talking about respect and restraint.
06:11 Yes! -Because many wives get what they want.
06:15 They use the children
06:17 as a cover-up for their personal desires.
06:20 That's right! And daddy comes home from work
06:22 and the children meet him at the door: "Daddy!"
06:24 "Look what we got today!"
06:26 "And where is mother hiding?"
06:27 Well she's usually vacated to the kitchen,
06:30 or in the back bedroom, or out the back door!
06:32 She doesn't want to face him!
06:33 Because she knows she hasn't really respected his
06:37 leadership, his authority, his desires.
06:39 And she hasn't been willing to be restraint herself.
06:43 And so, the children get brought in. And they become a tool.
06:46 That begins to divide the home.
06:50 Well, I appreciated the way you handled that.
06:54 I didn't even know some of this was going on with these
06:56 little boxes of kitties and the children learnt to read and said
06:59 "Oh, they're free! These are free! Can we get these?"
07:02 But, I appreciated the restraint that you were developing there.
07:07 In wanting to honor me as a husband.
07:11 And I think we both agree that it was better that we
07:14 didn't have pets with the kind of schedule we had at that time.
07:18 That's right!
07:19 So, let's talk about the definition
07:24 for Restraint!
07:26 Because, one of the blessings that we've learned
07:28 there's many words that we use in our vocabulary and
07:31 many times we don't have the understanding.
07:33 What we've done in our marriage is we've gone back and we've
07:36 looked at some of this key terms
07:39 like this one today "restraint". Let's talk about that.
07:43 And let's define the word in the first person.
07:46 This has always been official not somebody else out there.
07:50 Ok, it means that if I restrain myself
07:52 I will hold back or hinder any action, any word, any passion,
07:59 that is going to be harmful to you, or to any other.
08:03 I'm going to be able to be restrained now, I can't do that
08:06 in myself. I've tried that. Have you ever tried to restraint
08:09 a passionate word? A word of irritation?
08:13 Bite the tongue?
08:16 We can try to bite the tongue, or we can bite our tongue.
08:19 But we can't change our countenance.
08:21 We really can't. If it's not in our hearts we
08:24 can force ourselves not to say something or bite the tongue
08:27 but if it's not in our hearts, if we're not really surrendered
08:31 than we're not going to be able to control the countenance.
08:33 That's right! That's why we have to ask God to change us
08:36 from within. And there've been many times He has done that.
08:39 I mean, I can feel this certain irritation.
08:42 And when I recognize the feelings and I know each one
08:45 of you out there knows what I'm talking about.
08:47 There's a physical manifestation a physical feeling
08:50 that you feel, starting to come up inside of you.
08:54 And that is an unrestraint me, an unrestraint self.
08:58 And when those feelings come, the physical manifestation
09:02 that's a call that God wants to change what's happening
09:06 inside, that we can respond to the out world circumstances, we
09:10 can respond to the conversation in a different way. We can
09:14 be restraint. God can give us something better to speak
09:17 that will change the direction of our communication, change
09:21 the direction of the out come.
09:23 And keep the home a happier place.
09:24 And our Marriage Heart to Heart.
09:26 That's right! And we can look at this restraint in terms of
09:30 1 Corinthians 13. - Absolutely!
09:32 Because it says there that we should not be easily provoked
09:35 Well, our humanity is easily provoked!
09:39 Our natural response is provocation when self is crossed
09:43 But if we are allowing ourselves to be in Christ,
09:46 to be surrendered to Him,
09:48 than we don't have to be provoked by the things that
09:51 create misunderstandings.
09:53 And it says there, in defining restraint that "it does not
09:56 behave itself in unseemly way.
10:00 We don't have to flare up in these.. in our irritation.
10:06 That can be restraint and governed by Christ. I think
10:09 the problem, and I know for us and the problem with many of you
10:12 is: we cannot do this in ourselves!
10:15 We cannot restraint ourselves! That's why we try
10:18 to bite our tongues or grit our teeth.
10:20 We try hard but we need Jesus Christ!
10:24 To restraint us! To put a watch on our mouth.
10:27 And it's only as we're willing to surrender to Him
10:29 and if that will take place,
10:31 for our marriage!
10:33 That's right! So restraint, companions respect
10:37 and the more my respect grows for you
10:40 the more willing I am to be restraint of the Lord.
10:43 Not just our passions but even sometimes my wants or my desires
10:47 or my... you know, these things.
10:49 Be restraint in order to make a harmonious marriage.
10:52 And that's what we really want God to do in our lives.
10:56 And that's what we saw our great need in this area because
11:00 we were failing. Because we didn't have respect & restraint.
11:04 That's right!
11:05 We loved each other and I believe this is what a lot of
11:07 you are facing.
11:09 That you really love each other, you have a basis of love in
11:13 your marriage. But you haven't learned the importance of
11:17 true respect and restraint in the marriage! And God
11:20 Wants to give us that!
11:22 He does! And it's in the little things of every day.
11:25 Yes! -It's in the little things that He calls to us to restraint
11:29 in myself, to restraint even the thoughts that I have
11:33 to not think those thoughts, to restraint what I want
11:37 to do at the moment that can be just off-the-cuff.
11:40 You know, just I go do this! And loose my focus for the day.
11:44 We need to develop that restraint in Him! And in the
11:47 little things of every day as where we practice it because
11:50 it's amazing how many little irruptions a couple can
11:53 experience through a day! In minor issues.
11:58 That's right! -And when we find Christ is the key and we
12:01 recognize our great need then we don't have those
12:04 little irruptions anymore!
12:07 That's right!
12:08 Well, we want to talk about the two areas that we discussed
12:11 last time we were together.
12:13 About how we develop respect and this goes hand in hand
12:17 with how we cultivate restraint.
12:20 So, let's talk about the first one.
12:23 Cultivating the spirit of kindness!
12:27 That's a very important! And Ephesians 4:32 says:
12:30 "Be kind, one to another!"
12:34 And last time we were together we were talking about how
12:36 important it is that it's not just kindness to
12:38 everybody else out there.
12:40 But how we're developing and cultivating that kindness here.
12:45 So, we're going to share with you
12:47 a couple of simple illustrations about how we have been
12:51 cultivating this restraint in our own marriage.
12:55 Cultivating the restraint through the tool of kindness
12:58 in the home. - That's right!
13:00 Yes! You probably remember not that long ago,
13:04 I came down to your desk one day,
13:08 That's in our bedroom where your office is.
13:10 Your office is there just on the other side of our bed there.
13:15 And Id said to you: "Honey, what would you like
13:18 for dinner today?"
13:20 And it was in my heart! I wanted to do something special
13:23 for you! But what you didn't know is that just before I
13:27 came down the stairs to your office,
13:30 I had realized that we need to be eating in 30 minutes.
13:35 And I had given it no thought. And so I thought: "Well Ill
13:40 just come down and ask you
13:42 what you wanted" - That was kind of you!
13:44 Yes! I was thinking about you 'cause I needed ideas!
13:46 Now, here's the interesting thing. Do you remember what
13:48 happened that day? 'Cause often Ive asked you what you
13:50 want. And usually you said: "Oh, I don't care, whatever
13:53 you want to fix!" - Yes! As I remember, you didn't
13:55 really give me the opportunity to tell you what I wanted.
13:59 No, you didn't!
14:01 And that's what the Lord Brought to me.
14:04 As soon as I asked you the question before I even gave you
14:06 a chance to respond I said to you:
14:09 "How about granola, toast and fruit? How does that sound?"
14:14 "Fine! I like granola!"
14:17 "I like fruit, I like toast!" So..
14:19 I wasn't upset! - Not at all!
14:21 And I felt like my mission was accomplished! I felt like now.
14:25 And I had direction! And I had an answer!
14:27 And that I was pleasing you! And that was not your idea at all!
14:30 And that's the funny thing!
14:31 And specially since you could get that thing done easily.
14:34 That's right! - In 30 minutes!
14:35 And less than that! Right?
14:37 So, as I was walking back up the stairs to the kitchen
14:41 The Lord reminded me: "cultivate kindness!"
14:44 I wasn't restraint! I asked you a question, and before
14:48 I even gave you a chance to answer,
14:50 I filled in!
14:52 I got you to agree with me! And now, I did my own thing!
14:55 And it really struck me! I mean, you know, sometimes it's this
14:59 moments of silence when the Spirit calls to our hearts
15:02 that gentle still small voice.
15:04 "You aren't restraint!"
15:07 I wasn't restraint! I wasn't cultivating kindness!
15:09 I really wasn't thinking about you! So at that moment
15:12 as soon as I recognized it, on my way up to stairs,
15:15 I said: "Ok! Lord give me a better idea!" And by the time
15:18 I got to the kitchen,which isn't very far away, cause we have a
15:21 small home. I had a whole new menu planned!
15:25 Home made pizza, a nice salad, gourmet vegetables.
15:30 And you couldnt even smell it cooking.
15:32 That's right!
15:35 In that time that it took me to do that
15:38 I found such joy! And this is what I really want to emphasize
15:42 to our viewers today. When we are willing to be restraint
15:47 we find that God Gives us joy and doing things maybe
15:50 we wouldn't have wanted to do!
15:52 Or had no desire to do!
15:53 But when we're willing to be restraint and choose to do
15:58 a better way something that would be kind or thoughtful
16:02 toward our spouse, we find that inner joy! And that's
16:05 what happened that day!
16:06 I found the joy of cooking that meal for you.
16:09 I even sat the table nice, had candles, flowers on the table,
16:13 I went and turned the music on and I called you:
16:16 "Come to dinner dear!"
16:18 Oh, it was wonderful coming to the table!
16:21 But I think we're going to pause right there!
16:23 And you're going to find out the surprises that I found
16:26 when I came to the table,
16:29 that afternoon. Stay with us!
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17:09 Welcome back! Where we've been talking about
17:11 Cultivating Restraint!
17:13 Now, you're waiting to find out my reaction when I go upstairs,
17:18 I've been called to the meal and I'm thinking that I'm going up
17:23 to granola, fruit and toast.
17:26 And I would've been happy with that! Wouldn't I dear?
17:29 Always easy to please!
17:32 But what a delight! I didn't just go up to granola, fruit,
17:37 and toast. When I got to the top of the stairs
17:40 I smelled the pizza!
17:45 I heard the music playing. And I saw the candles on the table.
17:52 Quite a difference, wasn't it dear? In my reaction?
17:55 Oh yes! That wasn't my motivation!
17:59 My motivation was to do something nice for you.
18:01 Well, you were cultivating kindness!
18:04 You were thinking about yourself there, at first
18:07 weren't you? Getting things done quick. - Oh yes! Just about me!
18:09 That's right! And easy! - Quick and easy!
18:12 But when I got there and saw what my wife had done for me,
18:16 just that simple kindness!
18:18 Do you think that had an impact on me?
18:21 I have to tell you, that if it would have been granola,
18:24 fruit and toast, the meal would have been over pretty quick.
18:29 And I would've been back to what I needed to do!
18:32 But with the candles on the table and with the nice
18:34 music playing and with the delightful meal
18:37 that you provided and that romantic atmosphere,
18:42 we lingered at the table. And when the meal was over
18:47 we enjoyed some real nice communication time together.
18:51 It was very nice! And it's so neat to see how God can change
18:55 something so small into something so grand.
18:59 That's right!
19:00 And I just want to encourage you, it's not the big things!
19:04 You don't have to plan some great event,
19:08 to show some kindness!
19:11 to your wife or to your husband.
19:13 It's the simple things! You can take a simple activity
19:17 of the day and just by being thoughtful as Alane was to me
19:20 in that situation, you can be cultivating kindness! Which
19:24 is really a restraint of the natural selfish nature!
19:30 So let's talk about the second area that we challenged!
19:34 In developing respect! Also now how it affects and how
19:37 we bring it into cultivating restraint.
19:40 That's right! "- Be determined!"
19:42 It's a big word! - All inclusive!
19:44 "Be determined never to injure your spouse!" the other person.
19:50 "By your words, your actions, your expression,
19:53 your countenance, your reaction"
19:56 "Be determined!"
19:59 I remember the day that we got a phone-call from a couple
20:02 that was really in a crisis.
20:05 And as they were sharing with us, really the only time that
20:09 they could talk to us and they really had a need
20:13 was during our special family time.
20:16 And as you know, we could be on the phone all the time.
20:19 In the work that we do in this ministry.
20:22 And so, we guard that family time, specially
20:26 And so, they said: "could we just have a little bit of that
20:31 family time?" Do you remember that situation?
20:33 Oh yes!
20:35 And so, we talked about it and we talked about the need that
20:39 they had and we agreed that we would get back with them
20:42 and they could call us in the evening during our family time.
20:46 We also agreed that we would try to keep it short!
20:49 Do you remember that? - Yes!
20:51 And so, we could go back to what we had planned for
20:55 that evening!
20:57 Well, that phone call came in!
21:00 And it was beautiful because we work together, Alane and I
21:03 we love to work together in this ministry! And with our family.
21:07 It's a family ministry and it's been a blessing to be able
21:11 to share not just my perspective but your perspective in these
21:14 difficult circumstances. And so we shared with this couple.
21:18 We were able to give them some principles and some
21:20 practical application.
21:21 And I thought we're done! That's it! We've accomplished it!
21:26 And I was ready to get off the phone and you can remember
21:28 you know, I was kind of closing it out and
21:32 You did a good job at closing it down dear!
21:34 You weren't quite ready yet though, right?
21:35 Well I thought at something else I wanted to say that
21:38 we hadn't talked about but after I heard your conversation
21:41 I thought, you know: "This would probably be encouraging"
21:44 and then give some directions, so I wanted to keep sharing
21:48 a little longer! - That's right!
21:50 Well I just gracefully boot out if the conversation and
21:53 my dear wife continued on and I have to remember I'm down
21:57 on my desk, downstairs in our bedroom.
22:01 She's upstairs in the little ministry office upstairs
22:05 out of living room, so
22:08 as you were continuing talking, I was making my way to come up
22:13 to where you were.
22:15 And here's what I was thinking about doing:
22:18 I was just gonna give a simple signal, I was gonna go
22:21 up to stairs, get to the top of the stairs and when I
22:24 got my wifes attention,
22:26 You know how you do that! Just look at her and..
22:29 and when I got her attention I was just gonna give her
22:32 the signal!
22:36 Remember that dear? - Yes! Oh yes I remember!
22:39 You've used that a few times, haven't you?
22:42 So I came to the top of the stairs. We had made
22:44 this agreement: I came to the top of the stairs and
22:46 I got your attention.
22:48 But before I got there,
22:50 A lot of things happened on our stairs, don't they?
22:53 That moment is a good time! - Is a good place!
22:57 And from the bottom of the stairs to the top of the stairs
23:01 The Lord had called to my heart! One those simple promptings
23:04 to my heart, no audible voice.
23:07 Lord was calling to me that I could have restraint!
23:13 I didn't have to give the "cut" sign!
23:18 Here's the thought The Lord put in my heart:
23:21 "When you get to the top of the stairs,
23:23 when you get your wifes attention just smile!"
23:28 "Just smile!"
23:30 So between the bottom of the stairs and the top of the stairs
23:33 I had surrendered to The Lord and I had allowed Him to change
23:36 my heart! Change my agenda and what happened when I
23:40 caught your attention at the top of the stairs?
23:43 Well, I sensed you looking at me! So I turned around
23:46 'cause obviously my back was to the stairs, the top
23:49 of the stairs where you come up. And as I turned around
23:51 and looked at you, I really expecting to get this.
23:55 So I was a little hesitated not to turn around right away.
23:58 I was looking at you! - I knew you were looking at me!
24:01 So, when I turned around and I saw you smiling
24:05 it just totally melted my heart. Because I knew it was
24:08 from within. It was one of these pasted on!
24:13 I've seen those smiles: "Ok, we're going to do it!"
24:15 "We're going to be happy about it!" you know.
24:18 It wasn't one of those! It was so genuine! It was
24:20 just like: "You're free to talk as long as you want to talk"
24:25 And I knew that you were thinking about me.
24:29 You didn't hurt me. You didn't want to hurt my feelings or
24:32 even potently that wouldn't had hurt my feelings
24:34 if you've said: "Cut!"
24:35 Because I knew that the most of the things have been covered
24:38 and we could talk later, another time.
24:41 But, you were determined not to even risk the potential
24:46 of a misunderstanding.
24:48 And that's what God wanted to do in your heart. And
24:51 that's what He wanted to do for us!
24:52 Because He wants us to develop that restraint, to cultivate
24:56 that restraint and be determined not to
24:58 injure the other person.
25:00 And so, I have to tell you I was so motivated to get
25:03 off the telephone!
25:04 'Cause I wanted to spend more time with you!
25:06 Because it just, it's like a magnet drawing to each other.
25:10 That's what it does! It's like that glue that adhesive
25:13 You now, let no man separate that glue, that we want to
25:16 be together. We want to be with each other, in each others
25:19 presence because it's peaceful, it's happy, it's joyful.
25:23 And that's what we want each of you to experience.
25:27 It's not as though: Ok we understand all this and we do
25:31 it right all the time! But in our marriage which really
25:34 has become a Marriage Heart to Heart!, we have
25:38 come to understand this things.
25:40 And they're practical, they're real in our lives.
25:43 And the thing that's so beautiful about this is
25:45 that if we're willing to do this,
25:47 if we're willing to really have respect and
25:51 to cultivate restraint, it really reflex back on us.
25:55 The kindness that we share to one, that reflex back on us!
25:59 And I think what we wanna do now is bring a personal challenge
26:03 to you folks!
26:05 Because we want you to experience this kind of
26:09 respect, this kind of restraint in your marriage.
26:13 Honey do you wanna lead them into the personal challenge?
26:17 The next time you find yourself in the "me focus"
26:20 where the "me" wants to be expressed,
26:23 be willing to be restraint of God and look for a way to
26:26 change the focus and cultivate a kindness towards your spouse
26:31 and see the difference!
26:32 Not just in your relationship but even in your own heart!
26:36 That's right! And if we move out of the "me focus"
26:39 into the "us focus" which we've talked about before
26:41 then it will prepare us for the second area!
26:45 And that is that we are determined not to injure
26:49 the other person in our words, in our thoughts,
26:53 'Cause our thoughts lead to action and reactions.
26:56 even in our countenance that we will not injure the other person
27:01 The only way that's gonna happen is as we give ourselves to God!
27:04 And allow Him to work in us!
27:06 So I think it would be great if we prayed right now!
27:09 Let's bow our heads!
27:11 Father in Heaven we thank You for the opportunity to come
27:13 to You! You have the solution the Grace, the Power!
27:19 We need your Godly restraint in our marriages.
27:22 And I pray Father that we will so cooperate with You!
27:27 That You can change us into the people that we need to be!
27:31 In Jesus name we thank you! Amen!
27:36 We're going to be talking about establishing our roles
27:39 in marriage next time we get together!
27:42 We want you to have a Marriage Heart to Heart!
27:46 Join us!
28:25 Captions and subtitles by Christian Media Services