Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000005
00:01 A promise
00:03 to love
00:06 in good times
00:08 and bad
00:12 for richer
00:14 or poorer
00:17 forsaking all others
00:18 as long as
00:21 you both shall live
00:25 MARRIAGE In God's Hands
00:28 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters
00:33 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart
00:34 We are Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:37 and we are looking forward to our time together
00:40 with you today, as we talk, about more principles,
00:43 for the marriage.
00:44 We hope you have your paper and pen with you as we are going
00:47 to look at two special ways to develop respect in your Marriage
00:54 It's a big word! Isn't it?
00:55 A very big word!
00:56 And it's a big lack in many many homes today.
01:00 It was in our home and I think that, that's one of the reasons
01:04 why we had some of the problems with when first got married.
01:06 And it's something we've seen in many marriages
01:09 is the lack of respect!
01:10 And it's not a thing that we didn't really understand.
01:13 let's take us back to...well, two years into our marriage
01:17 and we were coming back from Wisconsin.
01:20 Remember that day? On the Illinois tollway?
01:22 Oh, yes!
01:23 We were coming back on the Illinois tollway and
01:25 any of you that have ever been on that tollway
01:29 on a Sunday afternoon when it seems like everyone
01:31 was going the same place we were going,
01:34 I was looking for a shortcut.
01:38 A shortcut.
01:40 What do you wives think about shortcuts?
01:44 Oh, we've gotten all kinds of responses, right?
01:48 Well, when you started cutting across those lanes of traffic
01:52 and you were in the far left lane, because you
01:54 have a determination to get where you're going
01:58 so the left lane is supposed to be the fast lane.
02:00 That's where you were.
02:01 Wasn't moving very fast that day!
02:02 No we weren't!
02:03 All the lanes were pretty much stopped!
02:05 And a little bit of go,
02:07 when you started working your way across those
02:08 five lanes of traffic and headed for that exit
02:11 I turned to you and I've said : "Honey
02:13 do you know where you're going?"
02:16 Now think about that, men, for a moment!
02:18 How could a wife ask a husband a question like that?
02:23 "Do you know where you're going ??"
02:26 And I know there are probably some ladies out there right now
02:29 that understand very well why my wife asked me that question.
02:33 You've had your experiences with shortcuts.
02:36 Well, there we were
02:37 I really
02:39 didn't know where I was going!
02:41 But, I knew I was going home!
02:43 And I wanted to get home as fast as I could!
02:46 So, I said to you : "Of course I know where I'm going!"
02:50 At that time in my experience, I wasn't really lying to you
02:53 because I was going home!
02:55 But at that time in my experience I certainly didn't
02:58 want to admit to you that I didn't know where I was going
03:01 on that shortcut! It was headed the right direction.
03:05 It was going the right direction, for sure!
03:07 Well, as we drove for quite a while on this new exit,
03:12 I suggested to you :
03:14 "Honey, maybe we should stop at a gas station and find out
03:18 where we are!"
03:20 Oh, friends! Stopping at a gas station!
03:24 That's like an admission of defeat isn't??
03:27 Here...I'm supposed to stop at a gas station!
03:29 Because I don't know where I'm going!
03:31 So, fortunately at that point there were no gas stations!
03:34 We were past the gas stations, so..
03:37 we didn't have to stop!
03:39 And I thought it that was a good opportunity to ask my wife
03:42 to get out the map! Because she's a great map reader.
03:44 So I asked her to get out the map!
03:47 And I got the map out!
03:49 And I started looking at the map for the area that we where in
03:53 in the greater Chicago area!
03:55 And I could not! As hard as I tried, I could not find
04:00 where we were on the map! I'd look at the streets
04:02 we would pass, and they were not on the map!
04:04 It was an old map and this was obviously a new developing area!
04:11 My chance! Ahaa!
04:13 To blame you!!
04:14 Of course!!
04:15 You know, isn't it sad? And we can laugh about this now,
04:18 it is not very funny if you're in this lack of respect
04:22 presently. But we can look back over 20 years ago and
04:25 we can laugh at this!
04:27 Because we are always prone to want to cast blame.
04:30 So my wife can't find this road on the map!
04:35 And so, now I'm going to blame my wife!
04:38 Well, I have to tell you, the Lord knows how to humble
04:41 a man's pride!
04:43 And, that's what He did! Because..
04:45 as you recalled here that four-lane road went down to
04:49 a two-lane road with a line down the middle of it!
04:51 then it went down to just a black-top road with no line
04:54 down the middle of it. And it turned into a gravel road
04:57 and as we continued on ...
05:00 I hope it wasn't to your delight!
05:02 [both laughing]
05:03 But as we continued on we came to the end of the road.
05:06 And it was the end of my shortcut!
05:11 And it was a fence!
05:13 and a cornfield! This far and no farther!
05:16 And I can assure you that even
05:19 then my pride was not so bad that I was going to run down
05:22 that fence and go through that cornfield. So God begin to open
05:26 our eyes!
05:28 You see, I wasn't respecting you!
05:30 I wasn't respecting the fact that you were a great map-reader
05:36 you were great with your natural directions,
05:40 And the reason I didn't wanted to say anything to you
05:42 was because I knew for well if I said to you
05:44 "I want to take this shortcut!"
05:46 you would've probably said : "Honey, I think we'd better
05:49 stick on the tollway!"
05:51 And I didn't want to stay on the tollway!
05:53 I wanted to look for anything that would get me in the
05:56 right direction! And we'd move a little faster!
06:00 Well , it wasn't just your problem!
06:02 I mean, neither one of us really understood respect!
06:06 Or that we didn't have respect! I mean we respect each other
06:09 to a certain degree!
06:10 But, the deep respect for what's in the heart,
06:14 we didn't really understand!
06:16 And so, while you were blaming me
06:20 I was...not respecting you either.
06:24 And so I would respond with sarcasm!
06:27 And then when we ended in the cornfield,
06:31 I just wasn't going to say anything!
06:33 I mean, that's how I responded, this cold war started.
06:37 You know: "Ok! Here we are! He can figure it out from here!"
06:40 There is no love in that!!
06:41 Well, it was better than what it could have been!
06:45 You could have gone in the "I told you so!" And you know..
06:48 But I was thankful that you didn't do that!
06:50 Yes, but I really didn't have respect in my heart for you!
06:53 I should've respected the fact that your only desire was
06:56 to get home earlier! And it's ok! It's a mistake!
06:59 And so, you could learn from that!
07:01 And you just don't take shortcuts anymore
07:03 unless you're confident in them! Right?
07:05 And we did learn from that! I learned from that!
07:07 It was a mutual experience that we learned in!
07:11 And, I don't mind stopping at gas stations anymore to ask
07:14 for directions! Do I? No!
07:15 And you don't even have to be asked to! Sometimes you
07:17 just going to pull in and say : Honey, go find out where we are.
07:22 You know, the lack of respect is a painful situation!
07:25 And if you find yourself in that right now,
07:28 in your marriage, it's not laughable!
07:31 We can laugh at it probably because it was back there,
07:34 in those years, you know, 20-plus years ago!
07:37 But part of the reason we can laugh at it now,
07:40 is because it's no longer a painful part of our experience.
07:43 Our love is alive! We have respect for each other!
07:47 And we just want to encourage you
07:50 in that respect today! How that we can develop respect!
07:54 You know, one of the things that I begin to recognize,
07:58 is that often, we husbands, and this is not a stereotype
08:03 but I tell you I've met a lot of men all over the world
08:05 as we do seminars and as we counsel,
08:08 a lot of times this characterizes men!
08:12 Men, and this was me, at this time in my experience,
08:16 we're often very slothful
08:18 in showing our appreciation,
08:21 for the wife that God has given us! And appreciating things,
08:24 that she's done for us!
08:27 Coupled with that slothfulness and lack of appreciation we have
08:30 very high expectations of what we expect from our wife.
08:35 And correspondingly very low expectations upon what we
08:40 need to be doing ourselves!
08:42 So there I was in our relationship together,
08:45 husband and wife, you were supposed to be my Eve!
08:52 Of course!!
08:53 This wonderful woman that is going to be all the things
08:55 that I need to do all the things for me,
08:59 It never occurred to me, friends that I should be anything
09:03 like Adam! [Alane is laughing]
09:07 It was that "me focus" showing up again!
09:10 Those perts of dominance would show themselves.
09:13 If I couldn't get my way! If I couldn't get my wife to do
09:17 what I wanted her to do!
09:20 It's terrible to say this but, I can always say it because
09:23 we're passed that aren't we Honey? In our marriage?
09:25 But it was terrible, if I couldn't get her to do my way,
09:30 I was so selfish, that I would remind her
09:34 of all things a Bible text!
09:37 Ephesians 5:22
09:39 "Wives submit yourselves under your own husbands!"
09:42 Now I left off : "...as unto the Lord!"
09:45 That is right! Now of course you can see why I left that off!
09:48 Because I wasn't talking about it in context of true submission
09:53 I was wanting her to submit herself! Now..
09:57 I also knew what it said just a few verses down
10:00 there in Ephesians 5:25
10:02 "husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the Church"
10:07 and did what??
10:08 Gave Himself!
10:11 I wasn't in that focus! I was in the selfish "me focus"!
10:15 I wanted you to do what I wanted you to do for me, now!
10:20 And that wasn't love!
10:22 That wasn't true respect!
10:24 It was an overbearing dominance!
10:27 And I wasn't expressing to you that love.
10:30 Now I understand that as I love you and give myself to you
10:35 the way Christ gives Himself to us as a people,
10:38 It makes it much more beautiful
10:42 and much easier
10:43 for you to submit yourself!
10:45 As unto the Lord!
10:47 That's right!
10:49 You know, the lack of respect,
10:52 now...we first had to identify where our weakness was and this
10:55 is very important! When you find yourselves, rather then just
10:59 going through one hurt after another hurt after another hurt,
11:03 identify what is lacking! Where the problem is!
11:06 We identified! We really don't respect each other the way
11:09 we should! And so, once we identified it!
11:12 Then we looked it up what is it mean to really respect??
11:15 Because so often, we know words, we hear words
11:19 and we interpret them in a very superficial level.
11:22 So we went back! Remember when we went back and looked up
11:24 the word!? We wanted to find that word for you today.
11:27 By mister Webster, and then we are going to define that word
11:30 by 1 Corinthians 13.
11:32 "If I respect you, as I develop that respect, means I will
11:37 regard you with pleasure!"
11:39 We always put this in the first person.
11:41 What I will do! I will regard you with pleasure, I will look
11:45 favorably upon you! That would've changed the whole
11:49 atmosphere in the car that day, on the Illinois tollway or on
11:53 the exit, the shortcut! If I would've develop that respect
11:58 for you! Yes, because you would've been not just thinking
12:03 about, how is affecting you! - That's right!
12:05 - But how your response could affect me!
12:07 Let's look at it in 1 Corinthians 13!
12:10 This is love manifested through respect!
12:16 True respect is kind!
12:20 It's a pretty simple word.
12:23 But how many people really express kindness to the one
12:27 that they've given their life to?
12:28 Really express kindness?
12:30 True respect seeketh not her own!
12:33 It's not there in the "me focus"!
12:38 And true respect suffers long!
12:42 Or is that patience coming back again?
12:44 That's what we will experience if we are developing
12:48 true respect in marriage!
12:51 So then it's not a dominance in a marriage of one or the other.
12:55 It's not you are the dominant one or I am the dominant one.
12:59 And that's what causes conflict.
13:01 It's that we are blending with each other heart to heart!
13:07 You know the "me focus" is always characterized.
13:11 And I like to use a kind of , I'd say "barometer"
13:15 If I am responding to you in a demanding way,
13:19 or an inconsiderate way,
13:21 if I'm being over-dominant or controlling,
13:26 that's not real respect!
13:28 And I know then if that's happening that I'm not
13:31 experiencing that real love of Christ!
13:34 that will give me respect!
13:37 That's a barometer to me, that I'm working
13:41 in the "me focus".
13:42 You know? And if we as a people, would just take a few moments,
13:47 sometimes to pause and think about where we're headed,
13:50 we'd recognize that we are not respecting the other
13:53 person. The "me focus" is always characterized by
13:57 selfish over dominance, controlling while the "us focus"
14:01 is always considerate of the other person.
14:05 How will this affect the other person?
14:07 How will this affect us in our marriage together?
14:11 And so, that is what we need to do when we develop respect.
14:15 It changes us from the "me focus" to the "us focus".
14:18 So, we're going to take a break now and when we come back,
14:22 we're going to be talking about two simple ways that we can
14:24 develop respect in our marriage!
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15:04 better marriage. Welcome back! We've been talking about
15:07 developing respect in our marriage. And we want to look at
15:10 two simple ways. Now, there are a lot more ways, many more ways
15:13 that we can begin to develop respect in the marriage. But we
15:16 want to just give you two simple things that you can begin to do
15:20 today, to make your marriage Heart to Heart!
15:23 The first one is: Cultivate a spirit of kindness!
15:28 That word "cultivate" is an important word there!
15:31 That means we need to be doing something! You know?
15:33 We got a beautiful garden at home!
15:36 And if we don't cultivate that garden, what happens?
15:40 It gets weedy!
15:42 So it takes more, doesn't it? So we need to cultivate
15:45 the spirit of kindness.
15:47 Ephesians 4:32 says: "Be ye kind, one to another!"
15:52 "Tender hearted."
15:56 I remember the day we were driving down the road together
15:59 in Montana, after they have returned the speed limit
16:02 to "reasonable and prudent".
16:04 Now, I know that there would be a lot of men out there that
16:07 would really like the speed limit in Montana in those days!
16:11 R&P! And when that 55 mile/hour speed limit came in years ago
16:16 that federally governed speed limit, Montana was not
16:19 happy with that. And they said that they would going to take
16:21 that away if that ever changes and go back to
16:25 reasonable and prudent.
16:27 And many of us rejoice the day that that speed limit returned.
16:30 Because when you entered Montana it said:
16:32 "Welcome to Montana!"
16:36 Speed limit:Reasonable and prudent Drive according to
16:43 conditions! Oh that was wonderful! To some people that
16:45 meant unlimited speed! Now it didn't mean that to me, did it,
16:49 Dear? No!
16:50 But I remember one day as we were driving to Kalispell.
16:54 We were driving along and I thought I was driving, what was
16:57 a very reasonable and prudent speed for the conditions
17:01 of the road and the beautiful day that we were driving.
17:04 But, that wasn't necessarily how you felt!
17:06 Well, I felt it was a little bit unreasonable.
17:10 Not too prudent!
17:11 Too fast for my comfort!
17:14 And so , I turned to you and I've said "Honey, would you
17:16 please slow down?"
17:18 Now, that was a very simple request.
17:22 But now, think about it men! At that moment, maybe I should
17:26 ask the ladies too!
17:27 At that moment how do you think that I responded?
17:30 Because now, I'm driving, and I'm driving what I think is very
17:33 reasonable and prudent. Well I can tell you that the
17:36 very first thought that came through my mind
17:39 and you can be sure that quite often those first thoughts
17:41 are not the best thoughts! But the very first thought
17:44 that came through my mind was:
17:46 "Who's driving??"
17:47 Or : "Just have faith!!"
17:52 - Yeah!
17:53 - "Hang on!" - "Pray!"
17:56 But those, you know, I recognize, and this is
17:59 some good news. And that is James 1:19
18:03 Is a beautiful verse that I knew for many many years
18:06 before I made it practical in my experience!
18:08 And it says: " Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak
18:14 and slow to wrath! "
18:16 Now, I realized, instantly that the Spirit was calling to me.
18:22 Because , "Who's driving?" was not the response that
18:25 God wanted me to give back to you!
18:27 it was to pause a moment and listen to "what saith my Lord"
18:31 concerning the matter? And I did that!
18:35 And so, my response back to you was a thought that
18:39 the Lord gave me in my mind.
18:41 And that was: when I'm with you, I'm going to drive
18:46 in a way that's comfortable for you!
18:48 So that you can enjoy the time with me!
18:51 When I'm alone, I can drive a speed that the Lord
18:56 and I are comfortable driving together!
18:58 That was Divine inspiration!
19:02 Better than "who's driving??" ? Yes!
19:05 Well, it communicated a message that you were doing it for me!
19:09 And that you were willing to cultivate that kindness for me.
19:13 Not just when I was with you in the car going along with you.
19:18 But , then when I'm at home, I knew that you would be
19:21 under the Lord's direction instead of under
19:23 your own direction. That gave me a lot of peace because
19:26 I could be just as nervous at home with you driving without me
19:32 As I would be if I was in the car!
19:35 So, I knew that God was working in your heart and that
19:38 you did that out of a desire to show me respect!
19:42 That you respected me and you wanted to demonstrate
19:44 that respect through this kindness.
19:46 Yes! And it's nice that , that's a simple way that I was
19:50 able to cultivate some kindness.
19:52 You know, true manliness, true godliness, true leadership
19:58 in a man is not being overdominant.
20:02 It is serving those best who we love most!
20:07 It's really looking to serve rather than to control.
20:13 I have to tell you though! men unfortunately or fortunately
20:16 depending on how we look at it. There's no more
20:17 reasonable and prudent in Montana!
20:19 Too many people abused that R & P!
20:25 So we're back to regular speed limits there but, that was
20:28 a nice opportunity to cultivate a little bit of kindness.
20:31 Yes! And really show me that you respected me!
20:34 It's interesting that more people are kinder to a stranger
20:40 than they are to the one they're married to!
20:43 Many couples, they speak so nicely to a stranger, so nicely
20:46 to their animals, so nicely to an acquaintance,
20:49 somebody at Church, oh, they're happy to see them!
20:51 But in their own home they speak with disrespect.
20:55 And the influence of that in the home is deadly!
20:59 Not only to the marriage but the influence that has
21:01 on the children. And we wonder why are young people by
21:05 the youth today, why there's no respect,
21:07 for leadership and authority? Is because it's not
21:10 being learned and seen!
21:11 And exemplified in the home!
21:14 That's right!
21:16 Let's talk about the second area!
21:19 And so , first we have "Cultivate kindness
21:22 to develop respect!"
21:24 The second area is: "To be determined never to injure
21:29 the other person!"
21:30 With our attitudes, with our words and even with our passions
21:36 Is that word "determined" again, that's an action word!
21:41 We need to be determined! There needs to be a commitment there.
21:44 To be determined and never to injure the other person!
21:48 You know, Proverbs 15:1 says : "A soft answer
21:53 turneth away wrath."
21:57 That's a pretty simple formula!
21:58 But it's not always easy to do! Is it?
22:02 Not at all!!
22:03 But I like this words: "Be determined
22:06 never to injure the other person!" because it shows choice
22:08 on my part. I have to make that choice to be determined.
22:13 And that can only be done as I'm willing to let Christ
22:15 work in my heart!
22:17 I remember that day that we met with the group of people
22:20 out in Glacier Park. Remember that morning we got there?
22:23 And we had your father with us. He just had a stroke
22:26 a little bit before that. And, anyway we went out there
22:29 and we were sitting down singing with the group of people
22:32 in that outdoor pavilion.
22:34 And, as we were sitting there I noticed that your father
22:38 you know, was kind of tucking himself in like he was cold.
22:40 And remember me turning to you? It was cool!
22:43 The Sun hasn't come over the mountain yet.
22:45 And I turned to you, and I said: "Honey would you please
22:48 bring dad's sweater for him out of the car!"
22:51 And I was happy to do it!
22:52 O Yes! You've always been good to do things like that
22:56 and you know, for me or for your father, and
22:58 it was in your heart! And so, you went back to the car
23:00 and came back, and not only did you bring it to your father
23:04 but you went the extra step and that was to help your father
23:07 to put the sweater on!
23:09 And I turned over, I was watching you help your dad
23:13 and as I looked at what happens I spoke this words:
23:17 "Nothing like having your son make a mess of things!"
23:21 I think I had put the sleeve over his head.
23:26 Instead of... Right! It looked pretty funny! - Yes!
23:29 Whatever it was, he was all twisted up in the sweater and
23:32 as I spoke those words,
23:36 even hearing myself say them, I felt bad!
23:40 Because I had injured you!
23:42 by my words!
23:44 I had belittled you and embarrassed you, not only to you
23:47 but to your own father!
23:49 I mean, that was degrading to him! This is his son!
23:51 Who's willingly trying to help him! And then I come off
23:55 with something like that! It was, I was shocked that
23:57 I even said it! I know we have to think before we speak!
24:00 But it wasn't in my heart! I wasn't thinking those kind
24:03 of thoughts about you! It just came so spontaneously!
24:07 And, It was, you know, hearing myself say it.
24:12 The Spirit brought conviction to my heart. That's how God
24:14 works, because He loves us! And He wants our marriages
24:18 to truly be Heart to Heart! He wants us to respect each other.
24:21 And I said: "O , I'm sorry I said that!"
24:24 "It's not right! Please forgive me!"
24:26 And I said it to you and to your father.
24:29 It had been so long since you had said something like that,
24:32 it was cutting and sarcastic that it didn't even affect me
24:37 the way that normally would have.
24:39 It had been so long! And I was thankful for that because
24:41 that's the other thing I think our listeners, the viewers need
24:44 to understand is : when we are in this situation
24:47 we don't have to respond the old way, we can
24:51 allow Christ to make that difference. And I did not
24:54 respond in the same spirit that you spoke to me!
24:58 And, it was restored! The relationship between us was
25:03 restored immediately.
25:06 But you know, I think it's important
25:08 Proverbs 18:21 says: "Death and life are in the power
25:13 of the tongue"
25:14 That's a pretty potent statement!
25:17 And that word Death is actually that is the word Death!
25:21 I looked it up, as I was studying this one day.
25:24 And we need to realize that we can set someone on a course
25:27 that's heart breaking and destructive or we can
25:31 speak words that are saver of life, on to life!
25:35 That's right!
25:36 And so we have to be determined!
25:39 Not to injure the other person! Not just by our words.
25:42 But even our reactions, our actions our expressions,
25:47 our passions. Be determined! - That's right!
25:51 So let's bring a personal challenge to the people.
25:54 The same one we brought to ourselves. - Exactly!
25:56 - Exactly!
25:58 If you want to cultivate a marriage that is Heart to Heart
26:01 begin to cultivate kindness today, before you go to bed
26:05 Before you close this day, pray and think of at least one way
26:11 that you can demonstrate kindness to the one
26:15 that you love!
26:17 Only one way??
26:19 Well, at least one way if they're getting started! - OK!
26:22 So we start where we are and we build on it right? -Yes!
26:25 So if we haven't done anything then we start with one or two
26:28 and then if we've been doing it, add to it! Because
26:31 that's how we begin to cultivate kindness and build respect
26:34 in a marriage! The second area we want to challenge you with
26:37 is to be determined never to injure your spouse
26:41 by your words, by your actions, your reactions, your passions.
26:47 - That's a big order!
26:50 And it can't be done without Christ!
26:52 Maybe this is a good time to make a commitment in a prayer.
26:56 You want to lead us in prayer honey? - Sure!
26:59 Father, we are grateful for what You want to do in our hearts
27:02 and in our homes and in our marriages!
27:05 Lord, we just pray that You would put it in us to cultivate
27:09 kindness! And to be determined never to injure our spouse!
27:14 I pray that we would develop the proper respect,
27:18 and that we can truly have a marriage that is Heart to Heart!
27:21 In Jesus' name : Amen!
27:23 - Amen!
27:26 A Marriage that's Heart to Heart!
27:29 - Yes!
27:30 We hope we'll see you next time, as we talk about
27:34 Cultivating Restraint!
27:36 It goes hand in hand with Developing Respect!
27:38 And we know that you want to have a Marriage Heart to Heart!
27:43 And Jesus can make that possible!
27:45 Marriage in God's Hands
28:25 Captioning and translations by Christian Media Services