Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000004
00:01 A promise
00:03 to love
00:06 in good times
00:07 and bad
00:12 for richer
00:14 or poorer
00:16 forsaking all others
00:19 as long as
00:20 you both shall live
00:26 MARRIAGE In God's Hands
00:28 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters
00:33 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart
00:35 We are Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International
00:40 We are going to be continuing today in our series
00:42 talking about life changing principles
00:45 principles that can change our marriages,
00:48 that can make us have marriages that are heart to heart!
00:53 So we hope you have your paper and pen,
00:54 because today we are going to look at
00:56 what is true love!
00:57 Many people don't even know what true love really is...
01:02 In fact, we should ask the question
01:04 Where do we get our ideas of what true love is
01:09 You know, probably one of the most important places
01:12 is through our parents!
01:14 Hopefully, our parents
01:16 have given us an example of what true love is!
01:21 So there are first role models then, right?
01:23 That is right!
01:24 So the challenge for us would be as parents ourselves
01:27 to recognize that we are demonstrating
01:30 and teaching our children what true love is
01:33 So we better know that we really understand it
01:35 That is right!
01:37 It puts us in an important position.
01:38 Unfortunately many, many young people today
01:41 are finding their role models
01:46 on television
01:48 the DVD's
01:49 the videos
01:50 the movies
01:52 Hollywood's version of love.
01:55 And it is not a very good version
01:57 Yes, I think a lot of people, young or old are finding that
02:01 there and that is what causes them to be discontent in their
02:05 marriage! Because it is not this romantic scene
02:08 that the women dreams of, or
02:10 she is not the knock-out that the man is hopeful for.
02:14 Yes, unfortunately
02:16 a lot of people are buying in to this advertisements.
02:18 You know,
02:19 Find love in the Bahamas!
02:23 That is not really where we are going to find it.
02:24 We find love where we choose to find love, right?
02:27 That is right!
02:28 So we are influenced by the things around us,
02:31 where we... how we define love.
02:33 even the things we read: the magazines, the books,
02:37 the novels.
02:38 I mean, we travel a lot
02:41 and it is very common,
02:42 Half the women have some novel in their hands
02:45 and all has to do with love.
02:46 They are searching for
02:47 what is love.
02:49 They are looking for that
02:51 in their experience.
02:52 And, are we really going to find true love there?
02:57 You know, even in the music
02:58 that we listen to.
03:01 Music can be very seductive, very sensual,
03:05 even immoral and passionate.
03:08 And, that is not where people are going to find love.
03:11 And yet music has a powerful influence
03:14 on peoples minds.
03:17 It seems like everything around us influences us,
03:20 all those outside sources, influence us.
03:23 And so much is being expressed in this area of love
03:27 I mean, it is a very common topic today!
03:31 Like you said: through music, magazines, books, TV, radio
03:34 it is everywhere, signs, billboards
03:38 even in friendships!
03:41 Even in friendships, those influence us!
03:43 where is true love?
03:44 I remember one couple of friends that we knew
03:47 and, they said: Oh! We wife-swap!
03:50 That's what we do...
03:52 - Shocking! - It is shocking!
03:54 Because that is how we know how to love the other person.
03:57 I love him better because..
03:58 It is scary when we think of
04:01 where those influences are leading us.
04:05 And those influences often lead us away
04:08 from what true love is!
04:10 And want us to think that it is this romantic ecstasy!
04:14 Yes, and sadly we are living in a time
04:17 in this earth's history
04:19 as we speak
04:22 a gay community
04:25 can refer
04:28 to love
04:29 as something that God in His Word refers to
04:32 as an abomination!
04:34 And that is where we are in this Earth's history!
04:36 And what has become in years and times past
04:41 completely unacceptable!
04:43 By beholding
04:45 we, as a people, as a nation
04:48 by beholding, we become changed!
04:51 And so, it is scary as you said Alane,
04:52 It is scary because
04:55 where are people gaining their understanding of what love is,
04:58 when they enter into a marriage
05:01 So maybe we need to make it very clear that: when we talk about
05:04 a marriage, we are talking about male and female union.
05:09 We are not talking about the same sex marriages!
05:11 We are talking about what the Bible describes
05:13 as the union between man and women.
05:17 And really when we go back to the Bible,
05:19 God is the Creator of all.
05:21 He's the Creator of love, He's the Creator of marriage.
05:24 He's the Author of the Word and it is in his Word
05:28 that we need to find the true basis of love!
05:32 the true definition of love.
05:33 And we have talked about it already in this series.
05:37 Yes, 1st Corinthians 13
05:39 and if you got your Bibles
05:41 you can turn with us there to 1 Corinthians 13
05:44 because we are going to refer to this, many times.
05:46 It is the real basis
05:48 for true love.
05:49 Et is the most inclusive
05:52 it is the most clear definition,
05:56 in the pattern that God has given us of what love really is.
06:00 You know we shared earlier, Honey
06:02 a previous program about our first year and some of the
06:06 struggles we went through and how
06:07 we were wanting to start right and so we started reading
06:10 1st Corinthians 13
06:11 but after a few month
06:13 and the painful experience we were having
06:15 we sat the book aside
06:18 because it was hurtful to read it because we were
06:21 not experiencing that.
06:22 And I am thankful to say now that I love to read
06:25 that chapter.
06:26 And it does not
06:27 help me to see you
06:30 and what you are not doing.
06:31 It helps me to see what God wants me to do
06:33 to make our marriage work.
06:35 and to make it happy!
06:36 and to make that love fulfilling for both of us
06:38 in the marriage.
06:39 So we want to look at 1 Corinthians 13
06:41 and we are going to take
06:43 each of those very familiar little segments
06:45 and we want to describe them
06:47 and illustrate them
06:48 and how they work in the day-to-day.
06:50 Because it is by taking the scripture
06:53 and making it practical
06:55 that works in our real life situation,
06:58 It helps un to understand
06:59 what true love is!
07:00 So if we look there, it says : love suffers long!
07:04 That means love is patient.
07:07 And I can remember when we first married and I'd said :
07:09 "Honey would you mind taking the trash out?"
07:11 "Oh, sure!"- you were very willing! Remember that?
07:13 Oh yes! you were so willing.
07:14 Always "yes!" It was never: "no, I do not want to"
07:19 you would forget
07:20 And so... that was OK.
07:22 One track mind
07:23 You do not mean that one track mind
07:26 And so , then I would set it by the back door
07:28 "Honey, would you mind taking the trash out
07:30 when you are going to work?", "you know,
07:31 just put it in the trash can in the garage "
07:33 "Oh, fine!" you know?
07:35 And I come out into the kitchen a little while later
07:37 and it is still by the back door.
07:39 And so , love is patient!
07:42 That was not for you, but for me
07:45 because, that used to irritate me.
07:48 "I just asked him! he agreed, he is willing
07:50 and it is still there.
07:51 "What is wrong??"
07:53 And, you know, the Lord helped me to see
07:55 you do not always remember everything either.
07:58 So, before we chew up on the other person
08:00 let's let God work in our hearts.
08:03 and help us to be patient.
08:04 So now Honey if I ask you take the trash out
08:06 and you forget
08:07 it is no problem to me.
08:10 because I am learning what real love is,
08:11 to be long suffering, and that is just one example.
08:13 It happens in many things through the marriage.
08:16 That is right , and the beauty of it is
08:19 when we have that kind of love. And that is a simple example.
08:23 But, by you not responding to me the way that you did
08:27 early on, it is actually an incentive for me to make a
08:31 greater effort on how I take care
08:34 of the trash and not let myself get pretty occupied
08:36 with something else.
08:38 That is right!
08:39 So it is not that is your duty to take the trash out,
08:42 but this is just a simple example.
08:43 It says : love is kind!
08:45 Often times you'll say something like this to me:
08:47 "Honey, I'd like you to just go and relax
08:51 and I'll do the dishes for you!"
08:52 I know , when you would say that to me,
08:55 it is coming from your heart because
08:56 it is in your heart to be kind to me.
08:59 Not because I want you to be
09:01 not because I am forcing you to be,
09:03 or demanding that you must be.
09:05 It is because you want to be and I know that,
09:07 I sense that in the words that you express to me.
09:11 and often times I will say:
09:13 "Well Honey, let me at least drive, rather be with you
09:17 then sitting over there on the couch all by myself resting"
09:19 And there are times I rest too, but that is an example
09:22 of how love is kind and it is demonstrated.
09:24 Love begets love!
09:28 When you sense in me the real motive the desire
09:30 that I have in my heart to give you
09:32 a little rest or whatever
09:34 that tenderness, that then actually makes you want to
09:37 spend more time whit me.
09:40 It works great! Yes it does!
09:42 Also: Love envy it not!
09:45 Now, that's an interesting one, because I think
09:48 most of us do not think that we are envious people.
09:52 That we are jealous of other people.
09:53 But you know, I found that
09:57 we still have a problem in this area.
10:00 I remember, Honey when we were first married
10:03 and God has blessed you with a very talented voice
10:08 and I love to hear you sing.
10:09 and you would go over to your friend's house,
10:13 the quartet would meet there and the pianist would come
10:16 And you would sing and practice your music, getting ready for
10:19 a program, a concert.
10:21 And I wanted to be a part of that so much with you,
10:25 that I started to be jealous that I could not sing.
10:28 At least sing nicely the way I thought or perceived
10:32 would have to be good enough
10:33 to sing with you.
10:35 And I started to find myself becoming envious of that
10:40 I did not like how I felt
10:42 and the more I thought about it, the better you sang and the
10:45 worst I didn't sing.
10:47 That makes sense?
10:48 But, anyway
10:49 I found myself just... it was starting to divide
10:54 my heart from you.
10:55 instead of appreciating that in you.
10:57 And, so, I by the Grace of God, I've surrendered that.
11:00 and there is nothing that I envy.
11:04 Isn't that wonderful now? that we can sing together!
11:07 The whole family can sing together!
11:09 That is right!
11:10 That if the Lord wants, He does it that way but with you letting
11:13 go of those things, and the Lord puts things together
11:16 in a different way.
11:17 Well, there are a few other things.
11:21 True love vaunteth not itself
11:23 does not put itself forward
11:25 it is not puffed up, it is not proud and boastful,
11:29 it does not behave itself in an unseemly manner
11:32 and it seeketh not
11:36 its own...
11:37 That is a lot!
11:39 So they all kind of go together.
11:42 You know, I used to be
11:44 the life of the party!
11:46 And I never understood this
11:47 you know, when we were first married
11:50 I was the life of the party and I was always out there
11:53 it was me living
11:56 my self-focused
11:57 you know: "I am going to do it my way!"
12:01 And I was then fitting you in
12:02 trying to fit you in
12:04 to my lifestyle.
12:06 And I did not understand it that time
12:09 how inconsiderate I was being, of you.
12:12 You know? I was doing all these things. This was not true love!
12:16 I was putting myself forward.
12:19 I was not really behaving myself,
12:22 in the right manner.
12:24 And if you didn't fit into that
12:27 I wasn't very happy with you
12:30 that is not the case anymore, is it?
12:32 No, not at all!
12:33 You do not just get fit into my life.
12:35 You are the most important person to me on this Earth!
12:39 And I know it!
12:41 And that makes a huge difference, does not it?
12:42 It does!
12:43 You know, I can remember more than a few times going
12:46 to a party, with your friends, or a get-together,
12:49 even a Church social
12:50 and, you know, I knew how you were - there, and I wanted
12:55 some of that with me.
12:58 And it used to really heart my feelings because you could be so
13:01 quiet, going there.
13:03 And all of a sudden, I could watch you enter in to that home
13:08 or that setting
13:10 it is like you came alive!
13:13 it really, you know, I felt dead!
13:16 When you came alive!
13:17 Because I wanted you to be alive with me!
13:19 ...So, that is what it's talking about not vaunting itself,
13:22 or being puffed up or seeking it's own.
13:25 And I have done the same thing.
13:26 You know, maybe women do it in a different way
13:29 Because, you know, when we have our husband alone
13:32 we cherish that time
13:35 and so, maybe there is other ways that we do it,
13:37 but all of us, have this same weakness
13:39 to some degree or other, so we have to ask God to help us
13:43 know how to
13:44 understand it
13:46 that we can change through His power.
13:48 Love is not easily provoked
13:52 That is a big one!
13:54 I have failed so many times in this area!
13:57 But is not the Lord good?
13:59 And so are you
14:01 To forgive me!
14:03 But the Lord takes those things and he turns those defeats
14:06 into victories, if we're willing and desirous of having
14:09 a marriage that is Heart to Heart.
14:11 And, friends if we will give ourselves
14:16 to God, and give ourselves to the one God has given us,
14:19 we can learn these things, we can learn this love.
14:23 Don't do what we did!
14:27 After we read that 31 versions,
14:30 for a while we gave up on it, because it was not working.
14:34 And the problem was that we were not working.
14:36 We were not cooperating with God, we were not giving
14:39 ourselves to God and to each other.
14:41 So, don't give up if you find yourself in a situation!
14:45 because we used to get provoked of each other and
14:48 we are not having that experience, because
14:52 it does not have to be that way!
14:53 That is right!
14:54 When I provoked you,
14:57 or when I was provoked, it let the other one
15:01 to a similar response
15:02 And so, again it would be something so minuscule
15:06 and the next thing you know we are in a - you know
15:09 pretty intense conversation, let us put it kindly.
15:13 So, love is not easily provoked, you know, when we began
15:17 to learn patience and kindness
15:20 and we are not wanting to puff ourselves up, those things
15:24 automatically start decreasing our tendency to be provoked!
15:27 And I remember being in someone's home once, and my
15:31 heart just went out. I mean, this lady had made a beautiful
15:34 meal for us! You remember that? - I remember that!
15:36 She had sat the table, I mean, it was gorgeous
15:39 It looked like we were in some exotic restaurant.
15:41 And, she called us all to the meal. The husband was out in the
15:45 living-room talking with us and she called us out to the meal.
15:48 And he looked at the table, and I don't remember
15:51 what she'd done wrong, I couldn't see anything wrong
15:53 with the table! But, it is like:
15:56 he corrected her! "How come you did not do this??"
15:58 And "How come you didn't make that??"
16:00 And he was provoked by just looking at the table.
16:04 And that was in front of us.
16:05 So, he was easily provoked!
16:08 which began to make a big influence in her!
16:12 That is right!
16:13 And it was hurtful for her,
16:14 and you could see the countenance change.
16:16 Well, you can see, friends, that we are talking about
16:20 maybe some new ways of looking at 1st Corinthians 13!
16:23 And when we come back from the break, stay with us because
16:26 we are going to continue on here, defining what
16:28 true love really is!
16:37 There are many "How to?" books available,
16:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple:
16:42 how you can "Build a Better Marriage".
16:45 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted,
16:48 easy-to-read manner,
16:50 for those contemplating marriage newlyweds, couples in their
16:54 golden years, and everyone in-between.
16:56 Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing
17:00 little booklet, a handy little tool to help build a better
17:11 marriage. Welcome back! To "What true love is!"
17:14 We were talking about 1 Corinth. 13 and bringing that out
17:19 in a very practical and powerful way.
17:23 True love , think it No evil!
17:26 Now, thinketh no evil?? Remember that time that we borrowed
17:31 Bernard's truck?
17:32 Oh, Yes! I remember!
17:35 And you really were not to happy with me, borrowing that truck,
17:37 because, why?
17:38 Usually, whenever either of us borrowed something it seemed
17:42 to get broken somehow!
17:44 Well, I was so careful with that truck, but there it was coming
17:49 in the driveway with that loaded lumber
17:51 and you were coming in right behind me
17:54 and that lumber sled out and bent the tailgate
17:58 and before you had a chance to say anything to me,
18:02 I was out of the truck telling you: "I know what you are
18:08 I was completely wrong at what you were thinking!
18:11 You were!
18:12 And I am thankful that you did not entered into the spirit
18:15 that I had! Because, I was thinking evil
18:19 about you!
18:22 And all you were doing was praying for me,
18:25 feeling bad, because of what it happened,
18:28 to Bernard's tailgate on it's truck!
18:32 Love think it no evil!
18:34 And I am so thankful that as we have been willing
18:37 to experience the love of Christ, that we don't have
18:42 that kind of experience in our marriage anymore!
18:45 That doesn't mean that we do not have problems!
18:47 We just want to encourage you, friends that no matter where you
18:51 find yourself, we can have a Marriage Heart to Heart,
18:54 that is demonstrating the true love of Christ,
18:57 as we allow Him to work in us!
18:59 To will and to do of his good pleasure!
19:02 True love does not rejoice in iniquity!
19:05 It rejoices in the truth!
19:07 I used to be critical of you!
19:09 And now, I do not have those kind of feelings toward you.
19:13 I remember I used to come home and be critical of something
19:17 was wrong or something didn't get done.
19:19 But as God begin to work in our hearts,
19:22 giving us that deeper love, I come home,
19:26 and you'd be working with the children and I could tell
19:28 something was not going right in the home-school,
19:30 and rather than becoming critical,
19:33 I want to encourage you!
19:34 Because: True love does not rejoice when you have a problem!
19:39 It rejoices in the truth! It rejoices in what you can be!
19:42 It rejoices in being able to encourage you and lift you up!
19:46 Rather than to condemn you.
19:48 And I have seen the difference in that. And then it provides us
19:52 secure environment. So I can come to you now and tell you:
19:56 This is what I did wrong!
19:57 Or : This is what I said to the children!
19:59 whatever. And I can come to you and trust you with my failures,
20:04 and share with you, what the Lord has done to change me
20:08 in that moment. Or you can get me encouraged what I can do
20:12 to change to be a better person.
20:13 So, this love truly is not something we can manufacture.
20:18 It is from God!
20:19 And , we talked about this before.
20:22 That: Love bears all things!
20:25 That means every misunderstanding,
20:27 love will bear!
20:28 Because it is God's love work in our heart!
20:30 It believes all things! I can believe in you! You know, when
20:33 I stopped being disappointed that you weren't who and what
20:43 you became the man I wanted!
20:45 A lot of it had to do with my own attitude, my own thoughts.
20:48 And so, as we believe in the other person, believe the best
20:53 and they will try to be the best!
20:54 Love believes all things! Love hopes all things!
20:59 And : Love endures all things!
21:03 We were talking before about that.
21:05 Enduring commitment! Love does endure all things!
21:09 That means that we'll go through these difficulties together!
21:12 That is right!
21:13 Love endures all things!
21:15 And the good news, the best news is that : Love never fails!
21:23 Love never fails!
21:25 Jesus won't fail us! And even know we can fail each other,
21:28 our love does not have to fail!
21:30 That is right! And we can learn from our failures. And we have!
21:33 That's what's encouraging about a marriage that's heart to heart
21:36 We can learn from our failures! When we fall we can rise up
21:40 in the Lord Jesus. We can repent, confess, move forward!
21:45 Strengthening that bond of love!
21:47 And not holding the other person in the past.
21:50 Not leaving that person! "...you did that last week"...
21:54 "you said that yesterday"
21:55 and "...you did it again today"!
21:57 But, Love changes that.
22:00 God's love. And it creates an atmosphere that is nurturing
22:05 to grow that relationship,
22:07 more and more.
22:08 That's right!
22:10 This kind of love can not exist in the "me focus"!
22:14 We have talked about the "me focus" versus the "us focus"
22:18 This kind of love grows as we're willing to move to the
22:22 "us focus"!
22:23 You know, sometimes people think, and I used to think this:
22:27 If I can just get this off my chest!
22:32 If I can just say it!
22:33 If I can just tell my wife, what I really think!
22:37 Then you are going to be happy! Right?
22:38 I'll be a happy boy!
22:41 Never works!
22:42 It does not work for either of us!
22:43 It is one of the lies of devil, friends! Its is one of the lies:
22:47 If I can just get this out! No!
22:50 It never works!
22:52 And so, the "me focus"
22:55 never brings happiness, but only misery!
22:58 And, this love, this true love that God wants to give us,
23:02 Is a love that never fails!!
23:06 That is right! And we have seen the difference in our home.
23:09 Because, now that we have learned to "get it out"
23:12 What I think. What I feel.
23:14 Just to get it out, doesn't really make me any happier and
23:17 certainly does not make you happy!
23:19 We have made that commitment in our marriage that :
23:21 the only way that that's really going to be gotten out
23:26 and that was properly, is to have God take it out of us!
23:29 And to change what I am going to say to you.
23:32 So no longer do we have yelling or intensity or
23:36 condemnation, I mean this aggressive communication
23:43 in the home.
23:44 And it has provided such a
23:47 happy loving environment. It doesn't mean we always agree.
23:51 It doesn't mean I see things the way you always see them!
23:54 But we do not have to go into one of this matches.
23:58 So, did God just kind of waved this magic wand over us?
24:01 And sprinkle some dust down on us? And we were just
24:03 wonderfully changed?
24:04 Well, if it was that easy, we would all be perfect Christians!
24:08 Wouldn't we? We would all have perfect homes and perfect
24:11 marriages, and we would live happily ever after!
24:13 That's not how it works, because it comes by myself by you and
24:19 by everyone of you there! Making the choice yourself!
24:22 What will you allow God to do in your heart!
24:24 So we have to surrender!
24:28 And it is a hard thing to surrender!
24:29 Yes! Because you don't feel like it at the moment! At the moment
24:31 we don't want to surrender!It's because everything inside of us
24:35 is crying out: I want to say this! I want to do this!
24:38 I want to feel this way!
24:40 But when we are willing to surrender,
24:42 God will make the difference!
24:44 And we want to challenge you today! You know,
24:47 one of the blessings of the ministry work we have been
24:50 involved is: that we do not challenge you with anything
24:54 that God has not challenged us!
24:57 Nothing that we bring to you,
24:59 will be new to us. God is already
25:02 working in us and continuing to work in these areas of our life.
25:06 But, we want to challenge you,
25:09 to begin to pray, if you have not been praying specifically!
25:11 Begin to pray that God will give you this True Love!
25:16 This love that only comes from God and it's based on 1 Cor. 13!
25:21 Not this worldly Hollywood version!
25:24 And then, pray that God will show you the opportunities
25:29 to demonstrate that love. As I began praying there, for my wife
25:33 God began to show me
25:35 through the day little ways that I could begin to not respond
25:44 "myself way" but to respond in a "Christ like way",
25:46 demonstrate love to my wife!
25:47 That First Corinthians 13 love, right? -Yes!
25:50 And that is really the challenge that you are asking us!
25:52 It is: Look for the way! Is that we each need to look for
25:55 the ways, that we can demonstrate the 1 Cor. 13 love!
25:59 That means: there are going to be times that we give in acts of
26:03 kindness and how we respond and times that we are willing to be
26:07 restrained and change the course of our thinking!
26:10 Change our thoughts! Conscientiously
26:11 making a decision : I am not going to think that about
26:14 him anymore! I am going to think this!
26:17 So that's one thing we can do. In addition to that what would
26:24 ways that your spouse has demonstrated that love for you!
26:28 that means you are looking for the good in your spouse.
26:31 This is very important because many people are so focused
26:35 on the negative. Write it down.
26:36 And then in the evening communicate the ways that you
26:39 have seen demonstrated to you, that love!
26:42 And, as you and I talk about the things that we have seen in
26:46 each other on the day, nurtures us and motivates us to continue
26:51 to demonstrate that love.
26:53 Well, that is exciting!
26:55 I'm excited that even as we're sharing this doesn't it make you
26:59 want to even kindle more of that love?
27:03 Why, don't we pray together!? As we close.
27:07 Father in Heaven what a blessing to be able to come to You!
27:14 You are the Author of our love! And we pray that
27:18 for each or one of us
27:20 the viewing audience
27:22 wherever we find ourselves Lord, we ask that You would
27:25 begin to kindle or rekindle that love in our hearts and that we
27:28 will look for ways to cooperate with You! and that we will
27:31 surrender ourselves to You! And become
27:33 what You can make us! And that we will truly love one another!
27:38 In Jesus name!
27:42 I am looking forward to our next time together, when we are
27:45 going to be talking
27:46 about: Developing respect!
27:49 That will be an exciting topic!
27:51 It is! Do not miss it!
28:26 Closed Captions by Christian Media Services