Life After Choice

Nameless Pain

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript



Series Code: LAC

Program Code: LAC180005A

00:01 When my girlfriend decided to have an abortion
00:04 I had no choice, my life spiraled out of control,
00:08 I was depressed and suicidal...
00:10 Learn how Jesus, the Light of the world, gave me hope
00:13 on Life After Choice.
00:31 Hi, I am Michael and welcome to Life After Choice.
00:34 My girlfriend decided to have an abortion and I want to
00:38 share with you my story on how this journey took place.
00:43 I remember the day when she received the test back from
00:47 her pregnancy. I was really shocked, I was afraid,
00:51 I was just scared, wondering what we should do.
00:54 But I had no choice in the matter, she decided to terminate
00:58 this pregnancy. I remember her calling so many different
01:02 clinics and over and over wondering when she could get in
01:06 for an appointment. The day finally came,
01:09 I just dreaded this day so much and she just decided
01:13 this is the place I would go.
01:15 I remember the drive, it was really a time warp.
01:20 I remember just driving and there was silence in the car
01:22 and we got to the clinic and she checked in and I sat there
01:26 in that waiting room. It felt as if it were a thousand years.
01:30 My mind just raced back and forth, what's going on
01:33 back there in that room? Is this the right decision?
01:36 Can I just go back there and knock on the door and say Stop,
01:40 Don't Do This? I remember I was just there in a daze,
01:44 I was confused and then she walked out.
01:47 I could not even tell you how long this was,
01:49 if it were 20 minutes or an hour, but I remember her
01:52 walking out and she had a really sad look on her face...
01:56 She didn't say much, she was really silent,
01:58 she was under a lot of anesthetic and so I drove
02:02 in silence, lots of questions in my mind but never
02:05 said a word. After that I was living at the time
02:09 on South Beach in Florida. I was not in any way
02:13 having a spiritual walk with God, I was a Buddhist,
02:16 I was an Animist, I was into a lot of occult things
02:19 and that is when I began just really looking and trying
02:23 to find peace. It was as if I was just searching for something
02:28 that was never there, it was a nameless pain...
02:31 Imagine having pain in your heart, you go to a doctor
02:35 and they could say well this reason why, but my heart,
02:38 emotional pain and I was aching so much inside and I could
02:42 not tell anyone because of course of this nameless pain...
02:45 I could not really at the time attribute it to abortion.
02:49 So this nameless pain continued on for years and years
02:54 and years. My life spiraled out of control,
02:57 I had many addictions, I at that very moment when this
03:02 took place, I had just graduated from P.A. school
03:05 as a Physician Assistant. I was Board Certified
03:07 and I just thought, you know what I had to go on a quest
03:11 for Peace. So I became really ingrained in my Buddhist
03:16 culture, in my Buddhist religion. I started doing more and more
03:20 mediation thinking this would give me peace, but it didn't.
03:23 So over and over I would try to calm my nerves,
03:29 try to keep peace within my heart but it was futile
03:33 and it was useless to say the least.
03:35 Substance abuse was one of the things that I used to
03:40 calm my pain or help me through this period of time
03:43 trying to find peace, but yet it was not possible.
03:47 I remember later on, years had gone by and I began
03:55 pastoring in ministry... It had been a number of years now
03:59 I'd given my heart to the Lord and I still had not dealt with
04:02 this abortion. I thought well you know Jesus forgave me
04:06 and I just move on with this and I remember it was in 2016,
04:12 it was January and I received a connection card
04:14 at my church in Tulsa. A young lady wrote on that card
04:19 that she wanted to be involved with abortion, post-abortion
04:23 helping people with "Life After Choice."
04:26 I thought well this is a great idea, I'm really not the person
04:30 and so I will get her connected with someone.
04:33 So I called the Union Office and found out that there was
04:37 Mafgia, a ministry specifically for this.
04:40 God kept impressing upon my heart, Michael you need
04:45 to deal with your pain, you've not dealt with this.
04:48 You've not really unpacked all of the layers on what had caused
04:53 the pain years before when your girlfriend had that abortion.
04:56 So I remember as I was thinking about this, I had a dream
05:03 one morning and in the dream I was very angry with my girlfriend
05:09 and my wife, she was driving a car and we saw my girlfriend
05:14 and I was in a hurry to get out of there,
05:16 just not to talk with her and so I woke up and I remember
05:20 my spirit was troubled and I was wondering why would I be
05:23 upset at my girlfriend? Over and over the Holy Spirit was
05:26 impressing me, you have a lot of bitterness towards her
05:30 because of the pain that came from having that abortion
05:33 and you need to forgive her.
05:34 So I prayed earnestly that God would forgive me
05:38 that He would bring healing to her heart if He hadn't
05:41 done that also. I went back to sleep and I had another dream
05:45 that night and in this dream I remember going to a hospital
05:49 and I saw her family there by her bedside, I just wanted
05:56 to say something to her and they beckoned to call me in
05:58 and matter of fact, I had a flower, not this flower,
06:02 remember it was a yellow flower, maybe a sunflower
06:05 and a light beamed through this window by her bed...
06:09 She was very sad and I gave her this flower and I didn't say
06:14 anything to her and I woke up from the dream.
06:16 But at that very moment, I really believe it was God saying
06:19 saying you have released her from the bitterness you have.
06:22 Yes there was lots of pain because of the abortion
06:25 and you had so much that you had been carrying with you.
06:30 The depression was because of the abortion or your
06:33 suicidal thoughts were because of the abortion.
06:35 Your anxiety and the lack of peace that you had in your life,
06:39 it was because of the abortion. So finally this nameless pain
06:43 was named, I knew, I understood this is the reason why I was
06:49 feeling so discouraged. This is the reason why I was using
06:52 all these different drugs and being so addicted to
06:55 many different things.
06:58 I am grateful because through that process,
07:01 I was able to get in touch with Rachel's Vineyard
07:05 and I went on a retreat and at this retreat I learned
07:10 about this nameless pain. It just really magnified
07:14 the grace of God and how He is so patient with us.
07:19 You know I had so much pain and I remember that weekend
07:23 where they had us carry around these rocks and they were
07:28 saying, choose a rock that really identifies with the pain
07:33 that you have had. They said, you are going to carry
07:36 this rock around with you until you feel as if you have let it
07:41 go. I remember us going through the living scriptures
07:44 and they were looking at the women who was caught in adultery
07:48 in the very act...and they were asking us how do you feel?
07:52 How do you place yourself in this story?
07:54 I really felt that I was just really abandoned by God
08:01 while I was going through this.
08:03 I was seeking after peace, that's why I was in Buddhist
08:07 religions and various things that I was meditating,
08:11 trying to find peace. So as I was carrying this rock around
08:15 at the retreat, I realized that God is such a merciful God
08:21 and when I gave it in and I said, I don't have to carry
08:24 this rock because I've been forgiven.
08:26 I've been healed, I've been given another opportunity
08:30 to live life and so it has been by desire to share how God
08:36 can bring healing. If you're thinking about having
08:40 an abortion and maybe you are wondering and saying,
08:42 this doesn't even matter to me because I can go through life
08:47 without even worrying about this.
08:49 I will tell you again, I had so much pain, I was disgusted
08:55 with myself. I had so much anger and never knew why,
08:59 but I realized the nameless pain was the very reason
09:04 that it was caused because of the abortion.
09:07 I have dedicated a lot of time in ministering to those
09:12 in life after choice, I have been seeking God more and more
09:18 how to give peace...I have been praying for my former girlfriend
09:21 and wondering how her life is. It has been definitely a journey
09:27 in wanting to see how I can be used by God.
09:31 One of things that I remember as I reflect on my time...
09:35 While I was there on South Beach, I had given up even
09:40 practicing as a P.A. and I took a very deep spiritual life
09:45 a turn just like Buddha took and trying to find peace,
09:48 remembering how I would do all of these things, cutting myself,
09:53 and doing all of these things, trying to help find peace.
09:56 I would cut my arms, cut myself trying to find peace because
10:01 the pain was so unbearable... But when I found Jesus,
10:06 that I remember giving my heart to Christ...It was there
10:10 in Florida and it was a few years after the abortion
10:14 and my mom told me, she said you know you should go to this
10:19 youth thing they have, it was a Pathfinder Retreat.
10:22 I told my mom, I do not want to go at all. I ended up going
10:27 anyway and I just want to show you God is so in the business
10:32 of reconciliation, He wants to renew and restore you.
10:35 My life was broken, my life was confused, my life was depressed,
10:39 I was suicidal and I'm just telling you...
10:42 I remember when I was suicidal, I really had planned it all
10:47 for myself to be killed, for me to take my life...
10:51 But God had better plans for me and I want to share with you
10:55 in these final moments, how God really gave me hope.
10:59 I went to this retreat when my mom told me I should go,
11:04 it was a youth retreat, the Pathfinders had in Florida
11:08 and as I was there, I was wondering, I'm not going even
11:12 go to these meetings. I decided I will just sit in my tent...
11:17 I was talking with this young lady, I remember I just sensed
11:22 God's presence just calling me to the amphitheater and I sat
11:27 all the way in the back. They made an appeal,
11:31 the message by the way...that night...on that Friday night
11:36 as I was sitting in the back on the amphitheater,
11:39 all the way in the back, I felt as if Jesus just knelt down
11:43 and talked to me face to face.
11:45 I felt as if He was saying Michael, the abortion that you
11:50 had I forgive you. Michael, the pain that you were
11:55 carrying around and all this weight of sin and guilt
11:59 I'll take that from you. I remember that very night
12:03 it was the first time in all these years that I actually
12:07 accepted Jesus. I remember walking down to the front,
12:13 I remember they had an appeal and I gave my heart to Jesus
12:19 that very night, that was in 2000 and so I was a P.A. as
12:24 I mentioned but I felt really God saying Michael,
12:27 I need you to do something else and so I became a
12:31 medical missionary in Korea... Gave my heart to the Lord
12:35 and it's been the greatest blessing to know that God heals,
12:39 He is the very One. I think of the story in the book of Mark
12:43 where that woman had that issue of blood for 12 years
12:47 and I think of and I think of her life and how it says that
12:51 she had spent everything that she had and gotten worse.
12:55 That's the way I felt my life was. I had put so many hours,
12:59 I would meditate for 24 hours or more, I would fast
13:03 and do all these things as a Buddhist and try to find peace
13:07 but never found it. But when I gave my heart to Jesus
13:12 I realized He accepted me, He didn't blame me for the
13:18 decisions I made, He didn't say because you're guilty,
13:22 you will remain guilty. He didn't say, well you don't have
13:26 peace and I won't give you any peace.
13:28 He offered his hope and by faith I just reached out
13:32 and I accepted Christ's forgiveness and He has healed me
13:36 and I thank God for Him naming my nameless pain.
13:41 I know, I know without a shadow of doubt whatever you are
13:46 experiencing, if you are making a decision and thinking
13:49 well I won't have any consequences if I have this
13:53 abortion. I will tell you, save yourself the pain,
13:58 understand what I went through, it was gut wrenching,
14:02 I understand the times that I wanted to end my life
14:06 but God intervened, understand that the pain that I
14:11 went through for all these years without even identifying
14:16 it, it was because of the abortion.
14:17 Just remember, you will save yourself, your soul
14:23 in accepting Jesus as your savior as I did.
14:26 Thank you so much for allowing me to share from my heart
14:31 what Jesus the great physician has done for me
14:34 in naming my nameless pain.


Revised 2019-02-14