Series Code: LAC
Program Code: LAC180004A
00:01 I had one abortion as a non- Christian, the second abortion
00:04 I had as a Christian. The second abortion became a secret
00:09 that imprisoned me for over 30 years.
00:13 How could God reach me and draw me out of this dark prison?
00:18 Find out on Life After Choice.
00:38 Hello, my name is Loretta Mix, I am a pastor's wife...
00:42 Welcome to Life After Choice.
00:45 In Jeremiah, God says to us, "I have loved you with an
00:51 everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness."
00:54 I want to share with you my journey through two
00:58 very different abortions and how God drew me to Him.
01:02 I was raised in a non-Christian home of six to eight children,
01:07 nothing about religion was ever talked about in my home.
01:10 I enjoyed being part of a big family.
01:13 In my childhood I learned that you have to be beautiful to be
01:18 valuable. My mother always was telling me that I was ugly,
01:24 that my ears stuck out and my nose was too big.
01:26 But somehow I knew that my dad loved me.
01:30 Overall though, I had a very happy childhood.
01:35 I have had to learn many things the hard way.
01:38 The first time I got drunk, I ended up in jail.
01:42 The first time I had sex, I ended up pregnant.
01:45 I was 20 years old, some of my family members counseled me
01:50 to have an abortion. Because it was illegal to have an abortion
01:55 at that time, I ended up going to a hotel room
02:00 and meeting a physician and having the procedure done there.
02:03 I felt very little guilt because I had no clue
02:07 of the value of life from God's perspective.
02:10 My family was very aware of what I had gone through.
02:15 At 21 I had no purpose in life other than having fun.
02:20 I was working in a bar as a cocktail waitressing...
02:24 cocktail waitress and living that lifestyle
02:27 drinking, dancing and friends. One morning I fainted,
02:33 I had never fainted before. I realized my lifestyle choices
02:37 were affecting my health and I needed to make a change.
02:41 God used many little seeds to plant in my heart that
02:49 impacted me. Seeds as simple as somebody saying,
02:53 God bless you Loretta.
02:55 One day at a doctor's office when I was 24 years old,
02:59 I picked up one of the blue Children's Bible Story Books
03:03 and I read the story of creation for the very first time.
03:07 Wow! There really is a God. I was invited to a boyfriend's
03:14 house and his grandfather said the blessing for our food.
03:19 It was the very first real prayer that I ever heard,
03:24 he sounded like he knew the God he was talking to.
03:27 I had a physician that would plant little seeds in me
03:33 whenever I saw him.
03:34 One day he said to me that my life would be going much better
03:38 if I had a relationship with the Lord.
03:41 I didn't understand what he meant.
03:44 Eventually he asked me if I would like to take
03:47 Bible studies, I heard myself saying yes.
03:52 I studied with a Bible instructor and at the age of 25
03:56 I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior
03:59 and was baptized.
04:00 I had a new freedom, I was loved, I was cleansed,
04:05 I was forgiven by God. I was filled with joy.
04:09 As a new Christian, I wanted to go to a Christian college,
04:13 my family didn't understand my desire to go away
04:17 to a Christian college, as none of them were Christians.
04:20 I left my local church, I left my support.
04:25 The first two quarters I couldn't qualify for
04:29 financial assistance so I took a small load of classes
04:33 and worked full time.
04:35 The next fall when I went back to school, I took a full load
04:38 of classes and worked two part time jobs.
04:42 I ended up making it through fall quarter but
04:45 by winter quarter I became exhausted and overwhelmed.
04:49 I couldn't keep up. While I was overwhelmed, I was invited
04:55 to go play pool with an acquaintance.
04:57 I got pregnant that night.
05:00 The guy told me to have an abortion and do not tell anyone.
05:05 Now I have to make a choice, adoption or abortion.
05:11 This time I am a Christian. This time I had nobody I could
05:18 talk to, I had no support. I couldn't tell my family
05:22 because they were non- Christians and I was
05:24 supposed to be the example for them.
05:26 I felt like I couldn't tell my church because
05:30 what would they think?
05:32 I was afraid, I felt so terribly alone.
05:36 I struggled with making a decision.
05:39 Adoption or abortion. I didn't know what to do.
05:44 Because of my relationship with my dad, I believed
05:48 every child should have a father.
05:50 I went to a pregnancy clinic and basically they set up my
05:54 abortion, there was no counseling nor anyone
05:58 to talk to about what would be the best choice for me.
06:01 I had to travel two hours from the college
06:05 and because of a terrible snow storm,
06:07 I didn't think the doctor would be there.
06:11 I had prayed for God to guide me and I hoped He would
06:15 intervene, but the doctor was there and I ended up
06:20 going through the procedure. This second abortion
06:25 became a secret that became my prison.
06:30 Satan hammered me, you let God down, you let your family down,
06:35 you let your church down. What if somebody finds out
06:39 your secret? What kind of example are you?
06:44 I was a young Christian and I was a vulnerable target for
06:49 all of the devil's accusations.
06:51 I had an abortion as a Christian, I failed God,
06:55 my family, my church, I failed myself. Not only had I failed,
07:03 in my mind, I was a failure.
07:07 Satan kept hammering me, I hammered myself.
07:11 What if somebody finds out my secret?
07:16 I dropped out of school again that winter quarter, finally the
07:22 next fall I had financial assistance,
07:25 so I went back to the Christian College
07:27 but I was having a very hard time, guilt, failure,
07:34 regret, I felt I had betrayed God, I felt so worthless.
07:41 I couldn't let it go, my secret was holding me captive.
07:46 I didn't know how to get beyond it.
07:49 I just didn't believe that God would still love me.
07:53 Little did I know about God's persistent love.
07:58 I made it through Fall quarter and then Winter quarter...
08:02 I had run into the guy that had gotten me pregnant
08:04 the year before. I was having a hard time processing
08:09 this abortion, I thought he would listen.
08:15 I needed somebody to talk to because I was having such a
08:20 hard time. When he came in, he said nothing,
08:25 he simply picked me up, carried me into the bedroom
08:29 and raped me. The rape made matters much worse.
08:33 I withdrew more, I was depressed, I had nobody,
08:38 nobody to talk to, I felt abandoned by God.
08:43 Two abortions, one as a Christian, one as a
08:48 non-Christian. What a difference.
08:50 I needed God desperately but how could I believe
08:56 His persistent love was for me?
08:59 Had God abandoned me? Was my sin greater than God's
09:05 grace? Satan kept hammering me, you murderer, you failed God,
09:10 you failed your family, you better not tell anyone.
09:14 What if somebody finds out?
09:17 I quit school again and moved back home.
09:21 In my mind, I failed again, I chose to believe a lie
09:26 about myself and a lie about God.
09:30 I still couldn't believe God's persistent love was for me.
09:36 How do you get out of this self-destructive thinking
09:40 and this prison of secrets?
09:43 How is God able to deliver someone like me?
09:47 God promises in Deuteronomy,
09:50 "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you,
09:55 He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid."
10:00 "Do not be discouraged." Could I accept this promise
10:05 for myself? A few years after the second abortion,
10:11 a young pastor, a minister came to minister at my local church.
10:16 I was not interested in him but God drew us together.
10:22 We gave Bible studies together, we worked together in our
10:26 youth group. We eventually grew in love and got married.
10:32 I was 30, now I am married to a Christian, a pastor.
10:39 On our honeymoon, Satan again hammered me.
10:44 You can't be a pastor's wife, you're a sinner.
10:48 What if somebody finds out your secret?
10:51 It took me down again. Inside or outside our marriage
10:59 looked fine, but inside I was hurting.
11:01 My husband didn't understand what I was going through.
11:05 The depression, the guilt, the lack of worth and the shame.
11:11 The secret was a constant prison for me and it robbed me
11:17 from being free to enjoy life.
11:20 It affected me as a wife and mother.
11:23 I was so wounded and depressed, I couldn't give my family
11:27 what they needed. I was robbed of the joy of Christianity
11:31 like I had when I first accepted Christ.
11:35 I felt like others could be saved but I could not be.
11:40 After several years, my husband finally told me
11:45 that I was still believing my mother's lies and Satan's lies.
11:50 I needed to practice telling myself the truth about
11:55 God's love for me and His forgiveness for me.
11:59 I had to learn to confront those lies with the truth
12:04 and make new grooves in my brain. I had to retrain my
12:09 thinking, I had to learn to choose to believe God's promises
12:15 were for me. His Word became the Lamp that led me out of my
12:23 prison and helped me to believe that His love was for me.
12:30 A few years ago, I was asked to speak at a Women's Retreat,
12:35 I was going to share with them my testimony,
12:40 how I came to Christ and my struggle through breast cancer
12:44 but God impressed me to speak about my deep dark secret.
12:49 I argued with Him, No Lord, I cannot share that.
12:54 But He kept saying share your secret.
12:59 During that time my daughter sent me a quote that said,
13:08 "Your story is the key that can unlock someone else's prison."
13:15 Share your testimony. She didn't know that God was calling me
13:20 to share about my deep dark secret.
13:22 A few days later I was in a Thrift Store and I saw a plaque
13:26 that, "If God takes you to it, He will get you through it."
13:32 I bought it thinking that it would be a blessing to someone.
13:39 On my way home, God impressed me that the message was for me.
13:44 I went home and I wept, no Lord, I cannot share that.
13:53 These nudges were God's affirmation that He wanted me
14:00 to share my deep secret.
14:02 I had kept the secret over 35 years and was finally
14:08 willing to share about my prison.
14:11 Sharing a very painful and scary was another step
14:17 toward freedom from Satan's lies. The combination of
14:22 retraining my thinking by telling myself the truth based
14:26 on God's Word and sharing my deep secret
14:29 set me free from Satan's lies and the bondage of darkness.
14:34 Thank God, His persistent love is enough for all of us, even me.
14:41 Jesus said, "The truth will set you free."