Series Code: LAC
Program Code: LAC180001A
00:01 Corey ten Boom often said that there was no pit so deep
00:04 that God was not deeper still.
00:06 Corey suffered terribly during World War 2 in the
00:10 Concentration Camps due to the cruelty of others.
00:13 But even there, she was able to feel God's presence,
00:16 but what if the suffering we endure isn't because of
00:20 someone else? Maybe it's because of our own choice,
00:23 maybe a choice of abortion.
00:25 Can God's presence be felt even there?
00:28 Yes indeed! God promises us a life after choice.
00:33 I want you to join us now for the series, Life After Choice.
00:58 You know every day we make choices, some good and some
01:01 not so good and often those choices impact not only impact
01:05 our life, but the life of someone else.
01:08 The decisions we make, can make such a difference in the life
01:14 of someone else. And I can speak for that because
01:18 when I was young and not married yet,
01:20 I became pregnant and I made a choice that impacted the
01:25 rest of my life.
01:27 I made a choice to abort my pregnancy. I called my fiancé,
01:34 don't even remember what I said, but he supported me.
01:39 He came up and he was there with me and he paid for it.
01:42 I had had a series of x-rays on my back for work
01:47 and I called all of the physicians in the area
01:49 I could think of, asking them what they would do,
01:52 or would want me to do if I was their wife
01:54 and they all encouraged me, have an abortion.
01:58 So I called the local Abortion Clinic, I found out how far
02:02 along I had to be, how much it cost and I set a date.
02:06 The day of my appointment, I had to see a counselor.
02:10 The counselor was sympathetic, she wasn't a Christian
02:16 and she assured me at that time it was only a fuzz ball,
02:19 just a little fuzz ball, I had nothing to worry about.
02:22 Well I was a nurse and I had taken plenty of Anatomy and
02:26 Physiology and I could have questioned that, but I didn't.
02:30 I was afraid my life was a blur and I was panicking.
02:37 The procedure was a nightmare, the waiting room was cold
02:44 there was no talking, everyone seemed to be in their own
02:49 little world and I can understand why now.
02:52 They took me back and I was shaking and I was afraid
02:56 and I started crying.
02:58 The physician came up to me and he held me
03:01 and it comforted me, he was so nice, I remember that
03:06 very well. But the procedure, the pain was so bad
03:11 I passed out. It was terrible.
03:15 I remember getting to the Recovery Room but then in the
03:19 Recovery Room, I passed out again.
03:20 The same doctor, the one that was nice to me in the beginning,
03:25 now became very irritable with me.
03:28 I was holding his schedule up, he had an agenda.
03:32 Making that choice impacted the rest of my life.
03:38 I had no clue what would happen to me, my marriage,
03:44 my family, my relationships, everything was affected by it.
03:48 I was clueless. For many years I resented my husband
03:54 for not supporting me, but he was clueless too.
03:58 It wasn't fair for me to hold it against him,
04:01 we both were blind.
04:03 Well after we got married, I was convinced I was no good,
04:08 I had failed at life and I could never become a fit mother.
04:13 So when I became pregnant the second time,
04:16 I had a second abortion.
04:19 I hated myself, I hated everything about me,
04:24 there was to be nothing lovely anymore about me
04:27 and I was constantly punishing myself.
04:30 One night I got up in the middle of...well, in the night
04:35 went to the bathroom and got a pair of scissors
04:39 and I cut all my hair off, really short.
04:43 Other nights I would go in there and sit on the toilet
04:48 with a razor and I would run that razor up the inside of my
04:51 arm. It was like I needed to feel that pain
04:54 to still feel alive. You see I had so much pain on the inside,
05:01 but on the outside, I was just existing, I was numb.
05:05 I also started bulimic... became bulimic about that time
05:12 where I would stuff food, I would stuff food down my throat
05:17 until I couldn't swallow any more.
05:19 I would stuff it down until it would all just come back up.
05:27 A purge. What I needed was a spiritual purge.
05:32 What I needed was to give all of this pain and regret
05:36 to the Lord. Free it all up and let my Redeemer save me
05:41 and give me the peace that I needed.
05:43 Give me the forgiveness that I needed.
05:47 Well, I did reach out for help in the early days.
05:54 On the Christian Radio I heard a 1-800 number advertised
05:59 and they were talking about if you are post-abortive
06:03 to call this number for help.
06:06 Well I called the number. I remember it well because
06:10 even though I was at home alone, I went to the wash room closet
06:13 by myself and I told her my story, I made myself venerable
06:20 to this woman that was supposed to be helping me.
06:24 The first thing out of her mouth was...Well, you know abortion
06:29 is murder now don't you?
06:31 There was no grace, no mercy. I hung up the phone,
06:36 I wanted to just vomit.
06:39 Now it wasn't too long after that that my husband and I,
06:43 we were invited to go to church with some friends of ours
06:46 from work. So the following Sunday we visited their church,
06:51 now this pastor was very loud and animated.
06:54 He ranted and raved and wouldn't you know it,
06:59 the subject he talked about was on abortion.
07:02 Well, he got louder and louder and finally he proclaimed
07:08 without a doubt, that the Lord would not and could not
07:13 forgive a woman who had an abortion.
07:16 I sat there in the pew and just died a little more inside.
07:25 He confirmed everything I felt about myself.
07:30 There was no hope. Life became just an existence for me.
07:37 I spent money we didn't have, I hid food everywhere.
07:44 I was on a survival plan.
07:46 Well years passed and as life goes, no one knows what you are
07:53 going through. We did finally start our family
07:56 and it all caught up with me when my oldest was
08:00 three years old and my twins were six months.
08:05 My marriage was falling apart, my sister told me I should go
08:12 see an acquaintance of hers, a Christian woman.
08:15 I did and she was very kind to me, non-condemning
08:22 and I trusted her and I opened up to her that night
08:26 after several years of not talking about my abortion.
08:29 I told her what I had done, well she took it very serious
08:36 but she wasn't condemning and she didn't shame me.
08:41 She encouraged me to confess that sin,
08:45 to give it to the Lord, repent of it.
08:48 Well I was pretty broken by then, so she helped me pray
08:52 and I'll never forget it because I knelt down beside her
08:57 that night and I asked the Lord to forgive me for the sins of
09:02 abortion, not just one but two.
09:05 It did make a difference in my life, in fact that night at my
09:10 sister's apartment, I felt the Lord come over me like
09:14 nothing before.
09:15 He healed me of my bulimia, that's a big deal.
09:20 That assurance gave me the courage to press on.
09:25 A lot of women who confess the sin of abortion will still feel
09:32 miserable and often-times they will question that.
09:35 They'll say, am I not forgiven because I still feel
09:39 so miserable? No, that's not it at all.
09:42 You see sin comes with consequences and unless those
09:48 consequences are dealt with, you will continue to feel pain.
09:52 It was several years before I realized this and I survived
09:58 a very lonely, unhappy life.
10:00 Even though I loved my children and I had them dedicated
10:06 to the Lord, I wanted to live a Christian life.
10:10 I wanted the Lord to be everything.
10:12 Many, many a night I would say Lord just hold on to me,
10:16 just hold on to me.
10:19 Well it was 20 years past and I was at a
10:25 Generation of Youth for Christ meeting, GYC
10:29 and there was a booth there at that particular meeting
10:31 that I had never before and it was run by a young lady
10:35 named Antoinette Duck, she had recently come into the church
10:40 and she had a burden for the issue of abortion,
10:44 she was there to break the silence and the Lord used her
10:51 to make a difference in my life like no one else had ever done.
10:55 She told me her story and as I was listening to her story,
11:01 I realized that if I had not had my first abortion,
11:05 my first child would have been close to her age.
11:08 At her booth, she had pictures of babies at different ages
11:13 in gestation and I saw what my baby looked like
11:17 when I had him aborted, they weren't mangled pictures,
11:23 they were beautiful little pictures.
11:25 A sternum, ribs, arms and legs, not a fuzz ball like
11:31 the counselor had told me.
11:33 Well I left GYC that year crying, but also realizing
11:41 there was more needed to be addressed in my life
11:44 and I started doing research on post-abortion recovery.
11:49 I found a program called Rachael's Vineyard.
11:55 Made me a nervous wreck to actually go somewhere and
12:01 actually deal with this issue that had been tucked away
12:04 for so many years but I did. I made the plans to go there
12:11 for the weekend. The week before I was just as afraid
12:15 of attending that retreat as I was for my first abortion.
12:20 I was shaking, the enemy did not want me to experience
12:30 the redemption and the restoration that was available
12:33 to me at that retreat.
12:34 Well I went and it was beautiful.
12:38 I had shed tears of regret over what I had done
12:45 when I confessed my sin. But at the retreat I was
12:49 given the opportunity to shed tears of grief,
12:53 tears of grief for what I had lost and it made all the
13:01 difference. I was finally able to take my babies
13:05 out of that sea of statistics and claim them for my own.
13:10 They were now a part of me and my family.
13:14 I have a scar, I will always have a scar,
13:19 but there will no longer be and empty hole.
13:22 You know, I dug my own pit trying to deal with my issue
13:32 and I fell into that pit.
13:35 Corey ten Boom often said, there was no pit so deep
13:43 that God is not deeper still.
13:45 She suffered terribly during World War 2 because of the
13:50 cruelty of others, but even there she felt God's presence.
13:53 Well even if the sufferings we endure are due to our own
13:58 choices, we can still feel God's presence there,
14:03 He's not going to abandon us.
14:07 When King David found himself at the bottom of a pit,
14:10 he wrote this in chapter 40 of Psalms.
14:16 He said "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me
14:20 and He turned and heard my cry and He lifted me out of
14:24 that pit of despair."
14:26 I want to encourage you to give the Lord an opportunity
14:32 to lift you out of your pit. He will do it.
14:40 Allow Him to do that.