Participants:
Series Code: IIWC
Program Code: IIWC202201S
|
00:00 ♪♪
00:44 >> Hello and welcome to It Is 00:46 Written Canada. 00:48 He wasn't exactly sure what he 00:49 was looking for, but he knew 00:52 that he wasn't happy with his 00:53 young life. 00:55 >> Drugs, alcohol, and a life 00:57 of crime left Mathew Feeley 01:00 emptier than ever before. 01:03 >> Today Mathew Feeley, an 01:05 ordained pastor and 01:06 evangelist, shares his story 01:08 of how his family struggled to 01:10 help him without much success. 01:14 Pastor Mathew Feeley, welcome 01:16 to It Is Written Canada. 01:19 >> Thank you, I'm honoured to 01:20 be here with you. 01:21 >> So, Pastor Mathew, can you 01:23 tell us where it all started 01:25 for you? 01:27 >> Yeah, definitely. 01:28 I would say it started at 01:30 Kingston and Galloway which is 01:32 a neighbourhood in 01:34 Scarborough, Ontario. 01:36 I was born and raised in that 01:39 neighbourhood and it was 01:41 challenging because it's a 01:43 low-income neighbourhood, it's 01:45 a metro-housing neighbourhood 01:47 and I was the only one of the 01:49 six children in my family born 01:51 in that neighbourhood. 01:53 The rest of my family grew up 01:56 not too far from the beaches 01:58 in Toronto and a more affluent 02:00 neighbourhood and my father 02:03 was very wealthy at that time. 02:07 He was a business man, he did 02:11 mining expeditions and he also 02:14 was involved in illegal 02:16 gambling in Toronto, he had 02:19 gambling houses. 02:21 And he was part of a network 02:23 that was, you know, I guess 02:25 facilitating illegal gambling 02:27 in Toronto and Mimico, where 02:28 he was originally from. 02:31 And his empire crashed one day 02:34 and he went to jail, he had 02:37 federal charges against him 02:39 and you can read about him in 02:41 the news papers, you can go to 02:44 the Toronto reference library 02:45 and you can find information 02:47 about his story and 02:49 his journey. 02:51 And he went to jail and, you 02:53 know, he came out and he tried 02:55 to change his life, but he was 02:57 never able to recoup the money 02:59 that he lost, he was never 03:01 able to maintain that standard 03:03 of living. 03:04 And my mother, my father, they 03:07 had, like, a very beautiful 03:09 wedding and my mother had fur 03:11 coats and she had a Cadillac 03:12 and, you know, she lived kind 03:15 of a lavish life, but it was 03:17 also a very broken life where 03:20 they had good things on the 03:23 outside, but they were 03:24 struggling on the inside. 03:26 And my mom came home one day 03:30 and saw that their house was 03:32 for sale and my dad explains 03:35 it by saying that-- he would 03:37 explain it, he's passed now, 03:39 but he would explain it by 03:41 saying, "You know, the box was 03:43 full of money and then... 03:46 there was less money and then 03:47 one day there was no money in 03:49 the box," and everything was 03:51 gone and they sold the house, 03:53 and they-- 03:55 He knew somebody that got him 03:57 a town house at Kingston 04:00 road and Galloway and he moved 04:02 into this metro housing 04:03 neighbourhood. 04:05 For my siblings, it was quite 04:07 devastating. 04:08 They were, you know, twelve 04:10 and ten and nine and eight and 04:13 six and they have memories of 04:17 moving into that neighbourhood 04:18 and just trying to figure out, 04:20 like, "What, wait a second. We 04:22 had this big back yard, we had 04:24 this beautiful house, why is 04:25 it changed? Why is my school 04:26 changed? Why has everything 04:28 changed?" 04:29 It was devastating for them, 04:31 but for me, that's all I knew 04:35 is life in that neighbourhood 04:37 and so it was challenging in a 04:40 different way and I grew up as 04:44 the youngest, I was the baby. 04:46 My parents were really in what 04:53 you could call a toxic 04:55 relationship and because they 04:56 were good, strong Catholics, 04:58 they refused to get divorced 05:00 so they stuck together, but it 05:02 was really hard on the family. 05:04 So our environment overall as 05:08 far as how we lived and where 05:10 we lived, was extremely 05:12 challenging. 05:13 >> So you had everything, I 05:16 mean your dad had an airplane, 05:18 he was flying around all over 05:20 the place, going down to the 05:22 Caribbean, going to northern 05:24 Canada, he had it all and your 05:27 mother had it all so that 05:29 really affected you. 05:30 How did that environment now 05:32 that you were in, that you 05:33 grew up in, how did that 05:35 affect your life? 05:36 >> Yeah, it was different, I 05:37 would say I didn't have the 05:39 same opportunities so that was 05:43 very challenging. 05:45 You don't grow up with money 05:48 or even as far as vehicles and 05:50 transportation, my father 05:52 still worked until the end of 05:54 his life and he worked for his 05:57 brother who was my uncle and a 06:00 very nice uncle, and he had a 06:03 real estate company and he 06:05 worked for him and when he 06:07 didn't work for the real 06:08 estate company, he ran his 06:10 laundromat downtown at Church 06:11 and Wellesley. 06:12 So it was, you know, these two 06:14 men that were just very 06:16 interesting and they would 06:18 kinda help each other, support 06:19 each other. 06:21 But he was gone all the time 06:22 and if he wasn't doing real 06:23 estate, he was at this 06:25 laundromat and he was gone and 06:26 maybe home wasn't a place he 06:28 wanted to be at anyways, maybe 06:30 he wasn't very happy, but 06:31 there's no vehicle even just 06:33 to get a ride to school. 06:36 So you're on the TTC or just 06:37 walking everywhere and there 06:40 just wasn't money, like, there 06:42 wasn't money to do things that 06:44 your friends were doing, to go 06:46 places that your friends were 06:47 going. 06:48 >> So, Mat, what choices did 06:49 you make at this time? 06:52 >> Well, I would say I started 06:55 to make some poor choices with 07:00 good intentions. 07:02 I think-- I don't think I 07:04 fully understood what I was 07:06 doing, you know, even now, I'm 07:09 much older, but I have to 07:11 pause to really think about 07:12 what I'm doing and why I'm 07:14 doing it and I don't think I 07:15 did that at all at that age. 07:17 I think I was reacting and my 07:22 home was broken and I was 07:25 hurting as a young person, 07:28 I was looking for an escape, 07:32 I was looking to medicate and 07:34 I saw people around me 07:37 self-medicating. 07:39 People in my family, my father 07:42 historically was an alcoholic, 07:44 my mother, she had a long-term 07:49 addiction to medication, 07:52 different types of medication 07:55 where she would self-medicate 07:56 and it was really hard to deal 08:00 with, but it was also learned 08:02 behaviour, it's what I saw. 08:04 And as much as I hated it, I 08:06 kinda went down the same path 08:09 and, you know, my siblings, 08:13 you know, I love them and I 08:16 don't blame them for anything, 08:18 I think they were hurting in 08:19 their own way and going 08:21 through their own things, but 08:22 they were kinda 08:23 self-medicating and escaping 08:25 because they were partying and 08:27 I was young and I could see 08:29 it, right? 08:30 I remember one of my brother's 08:32 friends was over one evening 08:35 and there was a bunch of them 08:36 together and this particular 08:38 guy, he said, you know, "Let's 08:42 have some cocaine." 08:45 It's the first I had ever 08:46 heard something like that and 08:47 I couldn't believe it was even 08:49 in my house and, you know... 08:52 Another time another brother 08:54 was about to get in trouble 08:57 with the police and they came 08:58 to our house looking for him. 09:00 He handed me a bag of drugs 09:01 and told me to go hide it, 09:03 you know. 09:04 So I was starting to see 09:05 things, the older I got, I 09:07 could see it in my siblings 09:09 and I could see it in my 09:11 parents and my dad was like, 09:15 you know, in a way, he was 09:17 kinda addicted to religion 09:19 because he went to mass like 09:20 twice a day every, day but he 09:22 was never home and, you know, 09:24 the-- his family was hurting 09:26 and he wasn't kind of being 09:28 the leader he needed to be, he 09:31 wasn't reconciling the broken 09:33 relationships and maybe he 09:35 didn't know how so what he 09:37 knew how to do was to go to 09:39 church twice a day. 09:41 And so for me, my brother, 09:45 one of my older brothers said 09:47 to me, "No matter what 09:50 happens, if anyone offers you 09:52 drugs, just say no," you know, 09:54 it was like a catch phrase in 09:56 the 90's, right, "Just say no." 09:59 And I thought to myself, 10:01 "That's what I'm gonna do," 10:02 you know, "if anything I'll 10:04 drink because it's OK to 10:05 drink," and, you know, again, 10:07 that's kinda numbing the pain, 10:09 right, but I did drink as 10:14 early as elementary school. 10:19 You can kinda get your hands 10:20 on whatever you want, 10:23 especially depending where you 10:25 live or who your friends are, 10:26 their family may have a liquor 10:28 cabinet and I had a friend and 10:30 she had a liquor cabinet at 10:31 her house. 10:33 We would go, we would drink 10:34 and we would just like, we 10:35 would drink something clear 10:37 like vodka and then we would 10:38 fill it up with water, you 10:39 know, and we would do stuff 10:40 like that and just drink a 10:42 little bit of this, a little 10:43 bit of that. 10:44 We would drink and experiment 10:46 and then I started smoking 10:48 weed and then I was invited 10:50 one day to a rave which was 10:56 really popular in Toronto at 10:59 the time, Toronto and the UK, 11:01 these rave parties at 11:03 warehouses downtown, at the 11:06 docks and the warehouse and 11:08 different venues. 11:09 There was a place called 11:11 Comfort Zone that we would go 11:12 to after the party. 11:13 So you'd go to the rave on 11:16 Saturday night and you go to 11:17 Comfort Zone on Sunday morning 11:19 and then you go to your 11:20 friend's house on Monday and 11:22 you go on a binge and I would 11:24 be awake for sometimes three 11:26 days without food and just 11:31 crystal meth and ecstasy, 11:34 cocaine. 11:35 I was about 14 or 15. 11:38 And I was doing this, 11:41 eventually I was addicted, but 11:43 I was just... 11:46 I was just trying to run away 11:48 and it's the only way I 11:49 knew how. 11:50 >> So you were the youngest 11:53 sibling and how did your older 11:55 siblings relate to this? 11:57 >> Well, you know, they could 11:59 see for sure that it was, you 12:04 know, a crisis situation. 12:07 They would find things in my 12:09 pockets like drug 12:11 paraphernalia and I'd be gone 12:14 for days and I'd come back 12:17 and, you know, they could 12:18 smell it on me and even 12:21 though, in a way, they were 12:23 somewhat a little hypocritical 12:26 because of their own choices. 12:28 They were very concerned so a 12:31 few of them in particular 12:33 would talk to me 12:36 or tell my parents. 12:39 In those days we didn't have 12:41 phones and I used to like to 12:43 purchase disposable cameras 12:47 and then take pictures at 12:49 parties and then get them 12:50 developed and then I would 12:52 keep the pictures carelessly 12:53 in my room or something and 12:54 they would find these pictures 12:56 and I was in a really bad state. 13:00 And they knew it was bad, they 13:03 could see the change in my 13:05 life because I was a very pure 13:08 and innocent child, but there 13:11 wasn't a lot they could do. 13:14 They were trying to help me, 13:16 but I didn't wanna be helped 13:18 and that's part of the 13:20 struggle for someone who has 13:21 addiction is you have to wanna 13:24 change. 13:26 And even though your addiction 13:28 affects your family, it will 13:31 continue to do so until you 13:33 really feel the need for 13:35 something more and at that 13:37 time, I didn't have that 13:39 desire for something 13:41 different, I was comfortable 13:42 with what I was doing. 13:44 I was making a lot of money 13:46 stealing bikes and selling 13:50 them, I had people that would 13:55 purchase other stolen goods 13:57 that I would steal from 13:58 people's properties and 13:59 garages and stuff. 14:01 I had a little enterprise of 14:03 my own and I was doing, I 14:05 guess kinda like my dad, my 14:06 own illegal business to 14:08 support my habits. 14:10 And so, you know, this went on 14:12 for some time and my siblings 14:13 would continue to talk to me. 14:15 My oldest sister, she, you 14:19 know, she found out some of my 14:21 behaviour and some of the 14:23 things I had done and some 14:25 trouble I got into and she 14:28 drove down from where she 14:29 lived four hours away and 14:31 said, "You're coming to live 14:33 with me," and she tried to 14:34 take charge of the situation. 14:36 But at that point, you know, I 14:39 was set in my ways and I said, 14:41 "I'm not going anywhere," and 14:42 I wasn't afraid of my sister 14:44 anymore, I used to be kind of 14:46 intimidated by everybody, but 14:47 now I was kind of a changed 14:49 person. 14:50 So I didn't accept the help 14:54 right away, but I would say 14:55 that it was like a seed sown, 14:58 you know, and even biblically 14:59 there's a principle of one man 15:01 sows and another waters, but 15:03 God gives the increase. 15:05 And so these were like seeds 15:07 sown and then they would be 15:09 watered by different people. 15:11 I had a really good guidance 15:12 counsellor at school, she 15:13 would just let me talk about 15:15 all my problems and cry. 15:17 And, you know, there is 15:20 different influential people 15:22 who each had some wisdom, 15:24 some patience and love, and 15:26 eventually God did bring about 15:29 a change. 15:30 >> Pastor Mathew, did your 15:32 friends have the same kind of 15:35 family support as you did? 15:37 >> Well, I mean, it's an 15:39 interesting question, I had 15:40 different friends, I had 15:43 friends that I went to school 15:45 with and, not to say that they 15:47 had perfect families, very few 15:49 people do, but, you know, they 15:53 had maybe more of a family 15:55 structure, more support, more 15:57 opportunity than the friends 16:00 in my neighbourhood where I 16:01 grew up and some of the 16:02 surrounding neighbourhoods 16:04 which were also low-income or, 16:07 you know, neighbourhoods where 16:09 a lot of kids were getting 16:10 into trouble. 16:12 They tended not to have much 16:16 of a family. 16:17 So, for instance, one of my 16:20 friends where we would 16:21 frequent his home and we would 16:25 party, like, do all kinds of 16:27 drugs and chemicals and drink, 16:30 he lived with his mom who was 16:32 a schizophrenic and she often 16:35 didn't have awareness as to 16:37 what was going on in her 16:38 apartment. 16:39 And so we would just cram into 16:41 this back bedroom in his 16:42 apartment and people would be 16:43 coming and going all 16:44 throughout the day and all 16:46 hours of the night and drug 16:47 deals and-- 16:49 So it was sad because they 16:51 didn't have the support and I 16:55 had support even though it was 16:58 a struggling family and a 16:59 broken family. 17:01 You know, my father cared in 17:02 his own way. 17:05 I struggle with some of the 17:06 things that he did and I 17:09 forgive him, but, you know, 17:12 it's hard to really process 17:16 some of the things my family 17:18 went through. 17:19 I was arrested one night with 17:21 one of the friends that I grew 17:23 up with and I don't think he 17:26 had the same supports that I 17:28 had and I think the outcomes 17:30 of our lives were much 17:32 different. 17:33 You know, he still struggles 17:35 with alcoholism and we've 17:38 reconnected. 17:39 He's a very broken individual, 17:41 but he's actually trying to 17:43 turn things around late in life. 17:45 We were both arrested, we were 17:47 strip-searched and embarrassed 17:50 and really humiliated and 17:51 mistreated and that experience 17:53 as young people arrested in 17:57 Scarborough and, you know, 18:00 maybe if nowadays we would do 18:01 something different when we 18:03 think about justice and how we 18:04 were treated, but we didn't 18:06 really have a voice and we 18:08 didn't really know what to do 18:10 and we both were charged. 18:13 I was charged for having a 18:16 concealed weapon, he was 18:19 charged with drug trafficking. 18:22 And our lives turned out very 18:25 different and I think a big 18:28 part of that is the supports 18:30 we had. 18:31 My father received the letter 18:33 in the mail about my charges, 18:35 but he's not the person I 18:36 called that night when I was 18:37 at the police station, I 18:39 called my mother and I could 18:40 count on my mother to show me 18:42 love, even in the worst of 18:43 times. 18:44 But he got the letter by 18:46 accident and he found out, he 18:48 was very upset and he took me 18:51 to court. 18:52 And I went to court with 18:54 another concealed weapon in my 18:56 possession and I didn't 18:58 realize that there would be a 19:01 security system and metal 19:03 detector and it was winter and 19:06 so I quickly hid the knife in 19:10 a glove that I put in a plate 19:11 that didn't go through the 19:13 metal detector and somehow I 19:15 escaped further charges. 19:19 But it just shows you, like, I 19:22 was playing with fire even 19:24 after getting into trouble and 19:27 even after that experience, I 19:29 was still struggling, heading 19:31 downward. 19:33 >> So you were playing with 19:35 fire, as you said, is that 19:38 what got you out of this cycle 19:40 of partying and living kind of 19:42 with crime and alcohol and 19:44 with drugs? 19:45 Is that what stopped it? 19:47 >> Well, you know, my oldest 19:49 brother got me a job at Music 19:50 World, which, you know, today 19:53 it's like Spotify and Apple 19:54 Music and iTunes and YouTube, 19:56 but then it was, you know, 19:58 CD's and tapes and whatever, 20:01 you remember those days? 20:02 And, yeah, and I had a job 20:07 there and I had to be sober to 20:10 go to work and one time I went 20:13 to work and I was pretty high 20:15 and my boss knew and he said, 20:17 "If you come to work like that 20:18 one more time, you're gonna be 20:19 fired." 20:20 So it kept me, you know, 20:23 moving in a more positive 20:24 direction, I was making money 20:26 and I was doing it honestly, 20:28 that was really good. 20:29 Another major turning point 20:32 was meeting my wife who, at 20:33 the time, became my 20:35 girlfriend, my wife, Christy. 20:38 You know, she was just-- she 20:40 was not into the partying so 20:42 much, like, she liked a lot of 20:43 the same things, the music and 20:45 the culture and the clothing 20:46 and stuff, but she wasn't 20:47 into, like-- we were into this 20:49 very intense, you know, you 20:51 just went out every night and 20:54 every opportunity to get, you 20:56 know, as high as possible, to 20:58 really just be totally 21:00 destroyed and that's how we 21:02 lived and it was just, like, 21:06 what we knew and people from 21:08 that day that I grew up with, 21:10 even now, some of them are 21:12 dying at a very young age 21:13 because they've just partied 21:15 so hard for so long. 21:17 And she wasn't into that, you 21:19 know, she was maybe 21:21 experimenting a little bit as 21:23 a young teenager, but she 21:26 wasn't into that lifestyle and 21:28 so we spent time together and 21:30 when we were together I wasn't 21:32 doing those things and it was 21:35 very positive. 21:36 Her mom used to study the 21:38 Bible and I would study with 21:40 her, even though I was pretty 21:42 sure she didn't know what she 21:43 was talking about. [chuckles] 21:45 But she was new to her faith 21:49 and it was really good, but I 21:51 decided in my heart that I 21:52 wanted to go back to partying 21:54 eventually and I loved going 21:57 to raves and I actually became 22:00 just kind of what you would 22:01 call a "bedroom DJ" where I 22:03 was DJ-ing some of the music, 22:05 but just for my own pleasure 22:06 and I had some equipment and 22:08 stuff and I got into that and 22:11 my favourite DJ was coming 22:13 back to Toronto after being 22:15 there a year or two before and 22:17 I was determined to go and 22:20 hear this DJ so I snuck behind 22:21 Christy's back and bought a 22:24 ticket to the party and I was 22:26 tying my shoes at the front 22:30 door of my house to go out 22:33 with friends. 22:35 Christy wasn't going and I was 22:37 gonna go with my friends and I 22:38 was gonna go to this party, I 22:40 was waiting to be picked up 22:41 and my mom answered the phone 22:44 and she said, "Mathew, please. 22:46 Mathew come right now." 22:50 She said, "Something's 22:51 happened to James." 22:53 And that was a major 22:55 turning point. 22:57 >> Mathew, I have to apologize. 23:00 We have come to the end of our 23:02 time with you, but I hope you 23:03 will be able to come back next 23:04 week and you can continue 23:06 sharing your story with us. 23:08 Would you be able to do that? 23:10 I feel really bad that we're 23:11 kind of cutting you off 23:12 right now. 23:13 >> For sure, yeah, I'd be 23:15 happy to, yeah. 23:16 >> So you heard your mother 23:18 say that there was-- something 23:20 happened to James and so we'll 23:22 continue with it next week. 23:24 So, thank you. 23:25 [RENÉ] But, Pastor Mathew, 23:26 before we let you go, I wonder 23:28 if you could please pray for 23:30 our viewers. 23:31 There might be some who are 23:33 feeling like they're in the 23:35 depths of despair and they're 23:37 in a very, very dark place. 23:39 [MATHEW] For sure, let's pray. 23:41 Loving Father, we thank You 23:43 because You love us when we 23:46 are close to You and even when 23:48 we are in the far country and, 23:51 God, I just thank You for 23:54 loving me and helping me and 23:55 rescuing me. 23:57 But I know there's others. 23:59 They're hurting because their 24:01 families are broken, their 24:02 relationships are broken, 24:04 their marriages are broken, 24:06 maybe they have addiction, 24:07 maybe they have depression. 24:09 Lord, there is nothing too 24:11 hard for You. 24:13 So as You rescued me, I pray 24:15 that You would rescue them. 24:17 Bless us and keep us. 24:19 We ask in Jesus' name, amen. 24:21 [MIKE & RENÉ] Amen. 24:23 [MIKE] Thank you so much, 24:24 Mathew, for sharing from your 24:26 heart and honestly telling us 24:28 what you were going through at 24:29 that time and we look forward 24:31 to talking with you again 24:33 next week. 24:37 [gentle piano music] 24:41 ♪In the morning 24:45 ♪when I rise 24:49 ♪In the morning 24:53 ♪when I rise 24:57 ♪In the morning 25:01 ♪when I rise 25:05 ♪Give me Jesus 25:13 ♪And when I 25:17 ♪come to die 25:21 ♪Oh, when I 25:25 ♪come to die 25:29 ♪Oh, when I 25:33 ♪come to die 25:37 ♪Give me Jesus 25:45 ♪Give me Jesus 25:53 ♪Give me Jesus 26:01 ♪You can have all this world 26:09 ♪Give me Jesus 26:17 ♪Give me Jesus 26:25 ♪Give me Jesus 26:33 ♪You can have all 26:38 ♪this world 26:41 ♪You can have all 26:46 ♪this world 26:49 ♪You can have all 26:54 ♪this world 26:57 ♪Give me Jesus 27:05 ♪♪ 27:15 >> Freedom of choice is one of 27:17 the most precious gifts God 27:18 has entrusted to us. 27:20 Unfortunately, we too often 27:23 make poor choices which may 27:25 lead to destructive habits 27:27 that enslave us, damage our 27:29 health, and even ruin our lives. 27:33 >> Friends, our free offer for 27:35 you is the special Steps To 27:37 Christ Recovery Edition. 27:39 This powerful book includes a 27:42 twelve-step recovery program, 27:44 empowering you to overcome 27:46 harmful habits and addictions. 27:49 Above all, you will come to 27:51 know Jesus Christ, the only 27:53 one who can heal and restore, 27:56 strengthen and encourage, as 27:59 well as bring true balance and 28:01 meaning to your life. 28:03 [MIKE] You, too, can 28:05 experience the fullness of 28:06 life found in the words of 28:08 Jesus when He said, "It is 28:09 written, 'Man shall not live 28:12 by bread alone, but by every 28:14 word that proceeds out of the 28:16 mouth of God.'" 28:18 ♪♪ |
Revised 2022-11-02