Participants:
Series Code: IC
Program Code: IC180126A
|
00:29 Welcome to Intimate Clarity, I'm Jason Bradley
00:32 and here with me is Jennifer Jill Schwarzer 00:35 and she is a licensed professional counselor 00:37 and today we will be discussing a very sensitive topic 00:40 but it's a conversation we need to have. 00:43 You know Jen, how can a married couple maximize their sexuality? 00:50 Their relationship. Good question, good question 00:52 because we've been talking about a lot of ways in which we 00:55 deviate from God's original design. Um hum. 00:57 But let's talk about the design and all of the good things 01:01 that God had in mind in that original design. 01:03 We've said it a million times and we'll say it again 01:05 that God designed human sexualities such that 01:08 it should be experienced in a marriage, 01:11 in a long term committed relationship and ideally 01:14 there is one partner for life. 01:15 We don't always reach that ideal, there is a route back 01:18 after we've strayed from that ideal. 01:20 God is both the Creator and a Redeemer. 01:22 But we want to look at the ideal now and how well it works. 01:25 So God knew what He was doing keeping sex within marriage 01:29 there is such beautiful things that happen... 01:31 let me get into some of that. 01:32 Biology does...well let me preface this by saying... 01:35 Biology does all it can to make sure people stay faithful 01:40 within their marriage 01:41 So, here is one thing that husband of pregnant wives 01:44 have an increase in vasopressin. 01:48 Vasopressin is called the monogamy hormone because 01:51 it counters the effect of testosterone. 01:53 Testosterone is what is responsible for high sex drive 01:57 in males, they have higher levels of testosterone 01:59 and increases their likelihood of straying. 02:02 God puts vasopressin in their body to lower the amount of 02:06 testosterone so that they are more inclined to stay home. 02:09 Then men also gain what they call empathy weight... 02:12 Increases their abdominal girth just a little bit 02:16 when their wives are pregnant I'm talking about and there's 02:19 inverse relationship between abdominal girth and sex drive. 02:23 So in various ways, God is basically lowering that man's 02:26 sex drive so he is more likely to stay at home. 02:28 Wow! God has just tried to orchestrate all the chemicals 02:30 to make that happen. 02:32 And see these things, you have to recognize that we are... 02:38 The signature of God. Yes! We have been created 02:40 by the Creator. That's right. 02:43 With very very specific attunements and ways 02:48 in which we function that are just according to His plan. 02:51 So the amount of Prolactin, (that's another factor) 02:55 that is the chemical that creates the (ah) effect, 02:59 sense of satisfaction is 400% greater within a committed 03:04 relationship, a bonded relationship than it is 03:07 when people experience sexual things outside of a relationship. 03:12 So bottom line, high levels of all the chemicals 03:17 involved in lovemaking create a neurological basis 03:23 for long term attachment. 03:25 So basically what happens in marriages, 03:27 God takes this young couple and their sex drive is 03:30 as high as it is ever going to be and if they learn how to 03:34 engage in an intimate relationship 03:37 that is satisfying to both of them, it will literally change 03:41 their brain chemistries such that they are more likely to be 03:45 satisfied with their relationship long term. 03:47 In other words, God creates long term attachment 03:51 through that early sexual experience in a married couple. 03:55 Yeah! Isn't that cool? Wow! Yeah! 03:57 So frequent satisfying intimacy especially in the early stages 04:02 of marriage helps in the bonding process 04:05 but I quickly add that both partners need to experience 04:08 that level of satisfaction and I'll try to make that clear why. 04:13 Let me get into some of the differences between males 04:19 and females because sometimes men enjoy the sexual intimacy 04:25 and women don't. 04:27 Not always and it can go the other way but there's issues, 04:31 so let me just flesh this out. 04:32 Men's organs are outside of their body, women's organs 04:36 are more inside of their body so there is a little bit of less 04:39 direct access going on. 04:41 Men in addition, their sexuality is accessed more directly 04:46 and visually through concrete things. 04:49 Women's sexuality is accessed more through the emotions, 04:53 so men are a little bit less complicated than women are 04:57 sexually. Men have a shorter response cycle, 05:00 they can get through the whole sexual experience in 05:03 10 to 20 minutes. Women it's going to be more 05:06 30 to 40 minutes. There's more light on this in the scripture. 05:12 If you look at the verb used to describe the way that 05:16 God made Adam, it's a different verb than when He made Eve. 05:20 Okay, it's sculpted Adam and architected Eve 05:24 so she's a little more complicated. 05:26 You see in addition to this that in the New Testament 05:29 what we are told in 1Peter 3:7, live with your wives according 05:33 to knowledge. 05:35 Why your wives, why didn't He say live with your husbands 05:38 according to knowledge? 05:39 Probably because that the women is a little more complicated. 05:43 And it takes a little more of a learning curve 05:47 in understanding a woman than a man that are a little more 05:50 straight forward. 05:51 And also because women are more intuitive and they are 05:53 going to kind of figure out their mate, 05:55 and men aren't going to be quite as intuitive 05:57 and they are going to need a little more schooling, 05:58 apparently that is the case. 06:00 I really think that that communication level is important 06:03 because if you don't communicate, 06:06 then you leave things for the imagination, 06:09 where... and it can be misconstrued like... 06:11 You can be misinterpreting your spouse all over the place. 06:14 Both sides. That's right and it's very important to learn 06:17 to check in. Is this what you are experiencing? 06:20 Is this what you mean by that? 06:22 Misinterpretation is a big communication faux-pas 06:25 that causes a lot of problems in relationships. 06:27 But it's interesting that it says live with your wives 06:29 according to knowledge and you think well how are you 06:31 supposed to learn? 06:33 Well you can learn from books, you can learn from mentors, 06:35 you can watch programs, but the best way to learn is 06:39 guess what? Ask your spouse. 06:41 Ask your spouse, learn to tune in to that, 06:44 learn to check in with that person, they're... 06:46 she is a walking text book as to how women operate 06:51 and he is a walking text book as to how men operate. 06:54 So it's essential that both husband and wife communicate 06:57 and let's take it in to the intimate department here, 07:01 it's essential that husband and wife communicate about 07:04 what feels good, what works, what makes the sexual experience 07:09 a pleasurable one for them. 07:11 A lot of time because men have a little more direct access 07:17 to their sexuality, it ends up being a scenario 07:20 where the wife doesn't really enjoy the bedroom experience 07:24 and the man isn't even really aware of that. 07:26 He needs to be more concerned about her experience and 07:30 care about whether she is being pleasured or not 07:32 and she needs to be more assertive and tell him 07:35 what she needs. 07:36 Um hum. I'm just being real honest here. 07:37 That's communication in every aspect of the relationship. 07:40 Exactly and that includes the bedroom and I believe that that 07:45 will provide some longevity for the relationship 07:48 because as I mentioned before, that early sexual experience 07:51 creates a disposition for a long term bonding 07:55 in the marriage and 70% of divorces are filed by women. 08:00 Seventy percent of divorces... Seventy percent, so the majority 08:03 of divorces are filed by women. Women are more demanding 08:07 when it comes to relationships. 08:08 Over all they are more relationally than wired men are 08:11 they are like PhD's in relationships in the home. 08:14 Men are more likely to be satisfied with the relationship 08:17 as it is, they are not as inclined to be dis-satisfied. 08:21 It's usually the wife that's trying to drag the husband 08:24 to counseling, I say that as a marriage counselor. 08:27 It's typical, I'm having trouble in my marriage and I'd say, 08:31 can you bring him, and it will be well, he doesn't want to come. 08:35 That happens a lot of the time. 08:37 It's very very consistent. Really... 08:40 Well you also see the fact that a lot of men don't want to 08:44 stop and ask for directions. That's right, that's right. 08:46 They don't want to ask for help, they are just less inclined 08:48 and that's not an entirely bad thing but if we will put 08:52 the investment into that relationship early in the 08:55 relationship, we will create a disposition for a long term 08:59 bonding. So what I am saying is satisfy your wife 09:03 in the bedroom early on in the relationship and you will 09:07 reap the benefits long term. 09:09 Um hum, um hum. And she won't be... 09:11 I think there will be brain changes that come about 09:13 that make her less likely to file for divorce later. 09:15 It'll create a desire to work through problems with you 09:19 and to stay connected to you throughout life. 09:21 Well, they have a saying called "Happy Wife equals Happy Life". 09:25 That's right. That's on multiple accounts. That's right. 09:28 That's right. I heard something from Richard Davidson 09:31 who is the...I don't know if I should talk about this but, 09:34 Richard Davidson is the Old Testament Chair 09:37 at Andrews University and he knows the Old Testament 09:42 and he said that there was a tradition among Jews anciently 09:46 where every Friday night they were to go in and bring delight 09:50 to their wives. 09:51 It was a duty on the Jewish husband to make their wife 09:55 happy in an intimate context. Wow! 09:57 I think that shows the heart of God. 10:00 He's not into this situation where women are frustrated 10:04 and unsatisfied and unhappy and just kind of bearing 10:07 with their marriage and trying to keep their husbands happy 10:11 but he's not doing the same for them. 10:13 I don't think Gods made like that, 10:15 I think He's the one that said live with your wives according 10:18 to knowledge and I think part of that means knowledge 10:21 of their sexuality. Um hum, um hum. 10:23 Just being honest. Yeah. 10:24 You are learning a lot aren't you? 10:26 I'm sitting here absorbing it for when I get married. 10:29 Cause you are going to get married some day. 10:31 That's right, that's right. 10:32 So there are three partnering systems: 10:34 "Lust, Romance and Attachment" and those correlate with hormones 10:41 Dopamine and Oxytocin. 10:42 God wanted all three of those systems to work together. 10:45 So sexual attraction but also romance and a long term 10:51 attachment were meant to work together in the 10:53 marriage relationship. 10:54 But the world has done is it has separated out 10:56 those different systems where you can have just a 10:58 sexual encounter, there's just pure lust. 11:00 Yeah. Or you can just have like romantic relationships 11:03 one after another. 11:04 The devil is always trying to break those things up 11:06 but God wants all those systems to work together. 11:09 Yeah, he always wants...the devil always wants to divide 11:11 and conquer. That's right, that's right. 11:13 So God gives us all threes of these to create a brain 11:17 symphony that gives pleasure, joy and ultimately 11:21 deep abiding love. 11:23 Umm! And I believe in it. 11:25 I've experienced it, I've been married for nearly 40 years 11:29 Wow. There is no one I am more comfortable around 11:32 and I'd rather just hang out with than my husband. 11:35 In fact when we get back from taping this program, 11:37 he wants to take a trip... we live in Florida 11:41 and he wants to go south and get a fishing boat and go out... 11:43 He doesn't eat the fish usually, but he loves to fish. 11:47 A typical man. And we want to go off of the Everglades 11:50 or whatever and he's so sweet, he said, he said I'll put a 11:55 little tent in the boat because he knows I don't like to get 11:57 too much sun and I'll put a little tent in the boat 11:59 and you can have your computer in there because he knows that 12:01 that's how I relax, is I write. 12:02 Well we're going to go off together, 12:04 we are totally different people, he's a gardener, 12:07 he grows all of this...I say he grows things compulsively, 12:10 he's always planting things and we're very different. 12:13 He's very introverted, I'm very extroverted, 12:15 I'm out there doing talks and television shows and 12:19 he's kind of a home body, but you know we've been together 12:22 for nearly 40 years and there's no one I would rather 12:24 hang out with than him. 12:26 Wow. So you have a best friend and... 12:30 And some of that was created because I followed some of the 12:34 advice, and we followed some of the advice that I've given 12:36 in this segment...we followed that in that relationship 12:40 and that has benefited us. 12:41 Which is awesome because you're practicing what you preach. 12:44 It's you know, so called good sex doesn't make a marriage, 12:48 but my contention is that it can contribute to the happiness 12:52 of a married relationship. 12:54 What I like about what you were saying just a minute ago 12:56 about with you and your husband, him going fishing and 12:59 you doing the computer thing... Yeah, yeah. 13:00 Is that you guys are maintaining your individuality. 13:03 Oh, very much. So that you are not just... 13:05 You know, you're still your- selves but you guys 13:10 blend very well. 13:11 There's a symmetry in any relationship between 13:13 individuality, you need to retain your individuality 13:16 in a marriage but you also need to also cultivate intimacy 13:19 and when intimacy is such that it destroys individuality 13:22 you have a problem. Um hum. 13:23 But when individuality is such that it destroys intimacy, 13:26 you have a problem so you have to keep the tension. 13:28 So that balance. That's right. 13:30 That's right, that's right. 13:31 And we've really tried to do that and I think... 13:33 I'm just getting personal here I guess, but our relationship 13:37 is probably more extremely that way than a lot of marriages. 13:40 We are very very different people and humanly speaking 13:44 we are completely incompatible. [Laughter] But God doesn't see 13:49 as man sees. He brought us together when we were both 13:52 young Christians and we prayed and counseled and tried to 13:56 follow God's will and we ended up marrying and were just like 13:58 what in the world have we... But the Lord has worked 14:01 and He's been able to bond us together. 14:03 Well praise the Lord for that. Yeah! 14:05 I'm looking forward to the marriage experience. 14:08 That's right, yeah, I hope you invite me to the wedding. 14:11 Well, we are out of time Jen. If you want more resources, 14:16 go to intimateclarity.tv. God Bless! |
Revised 2018-10-23