Participants:
Series Code: IC
Program Code: IC180104A
|
00:01 The following program discusses sensitive issues
00:03 related to sexuality. 00:05 Parents are cautioned 00:06 this presentation may be too candid 00:08 for younger audiences. 00:31 Welcome to Intimate Clarity. 00:32 I am Jason Bradley, and here with me 00:34 is Jennifer Jill Schwirzer. 00:35 And she is a licensed professional counselor, 00:38 and today we are going to discuss 00:40 a very important topic, 00:43 and it's a conversation we need to have. 00:44 That's right. 00:46 Always. 00:47 Jen, what I want to know is how do people recover 00:51 when they have been sexually abused. 00:53 That's a really good question. 00:54 We did another segment on sexual abuse. 00:56 We discovered that before the age of 18, 00:59 almost 8% of boys and almost 20% of girls 01:02 have been sexually abused at some point. 01:04 So it's just far too common, 01:07 and so this is a big question and it needs a big answer. 01:10 But let me go back and reestablish 01:11 what I've reestablished so many times 01:13 and that is that sexuality is sacred. 01:16 God designed us so that 01:17 that would be a very special thing 01:20 that would be kept sacred and we see in Deuteronomy 4:24, 01:24 that God is a consuming fire. 01:26 And we see in Song of Solomon 8:6, 01:30 speaking of marital love, that it's like coals of fire. 01:34 So sexuality is sacred. 01:37 It's set apart by God. 01:40 And we see in the story 01:41 of Nadab and Abihu in Leviticus 10, 01:45 that the two sons of Aaron brought strange fire 01:47 into the tabernacle, 01:48 and what happened to them? 01:50 You remember? 01:51 You were raised with Bible stories, 01:52 weren't you? 01:54 I was but I don't remember, you have to tell, yeah. 01:55 You don't remember? 01:57 Well, a fire came out from God 01:58 and consumed them at that moment. 01:59 So God did not want that strange fire 02:02 in that sacred space and sexuality, 02:05 for each and every one of his children, 02:08 is a sacred space and when that sacred space 02:12 is violated by someone from the outside, God is angry. 02:16 And if it was Old Testament times 02:18 and the child got abused, 02:19 I think he'd like be all consuming fire. 02:22 So one of the things that happens with people 02:25 that have been through abuse is they ask, 02:26 "Where was God when this happened? 02:28 Why didn't God do anything? 02:30 Why did God allow that to happen?" 02:32 Do you want to take that one up? 02:35 Well, sure. 02:37 I think, you know, that sometimes these... 02:40 First of all, who is that that's causing 02:43 these things to happen? 02:44 It's not God, it's the enemy, you know? 02:47 A lot of times you see people 02:48 kind of blame God, but it's the enemy 02:51 that's causing these things to happen. 02:54 He is out to steal, kill and destroy. 02:56 And so God is there 02:59 and it's painful for Him to see that. 03:03 And do you think He actually gets angry at the perpetrator, 03:05 He becomes angry at what's done? 03:07 Yeah, absolutely. 03:08 I definitely believe that He becomes angry 03:10 at what's done and, 03:13 you know, unfortunately sin has to play out. 03:18 Yeah. 03:20 You know, until the second coming. 03:21 That's right. 03:22 Or we wouldn't see sin for what it really is. 03:24 Absolutely. 03:25 And, you know, sin in the New Testament 03:26 is called inequity sometimes and that word inequity 03:28 is anomia in the Greek and it means lawlessness. 03:31 Okay. 03:32 So if we expect sin to be fair 03:34 and only affect the people that deserve it, 03:36 we are expecting far too much of sin 03:38 'cause it's lawless. 03:39 Yeah. 03:41 God is the one that's fair and not sin. 03:42 Yeah. 03:43 So we have to kind of see it for what it is 03:45 and so because of the rules of engagement 03:46 with the great controversy, 03:47 God has to allow these things to kind of roll out, 03:49 so that we see them for what they really are. 03:52 But I think the most important takeaway for victims of abuse 03:55 is that God is angry 03:57 particularly when the vulnerable 03:59 are oppressed and exploited by stronger entities. 04:04 God is angry at that and God is especially angry, 04:07 I think, when children are violated 04:10 and when their sacred space is violated. 04:12 And, you know, God said, "Vengeance is His." 04:14 You know, "Vengeance is Mine" says the Lord in some... 04:19 I don't know the text but... 04:20 "I will repay." Exactly, exactly. 04:22 So I mean, you don't know 04:25 how that person is gonna be impacted, 04:27 the person that's inflicting the harm. 04:29 You don't know what's gonna happen to him 04:31 in the long run. 04:33 It will come back to them. But yeah, yeah. 04:34 Martin Luther King Jr. said, 04:36 "The moral arc of the universe is long 04:38 but it bends toward justice." 04:41 People reap what they sow eventually. 04:43 Yup. 04:44 Not as fast as we want them to because we are so angry. 04:46 Yeah. 04:48 But I think it's very helpful to victims to know 04:50 that God is angered by man's inhumanity to man. 04:54 We want to soften God's character 04:57 so much these days 04:59 and we want to sort of purge Him 05:00 of anything negative 05:02 and make Him into kind of this designer God 05:04 that's more like a gift card than a real deity, you know? 05:08 And He has the full gambit of emotions just like we do, 05:13 only billions of times more and more intense 05:16 because He is the one whose image we are made in. 05:19 So God can get angry. That's a fact. 05:22 And God is angry 05:24 when the strong exploit the weak. 05:25 And I think 05:27 it's very therapeutic to share that 05:29 with victims of abuse, and I do share it 05:31 in the clinical setting with them, yeah. 05:33 And what is the typical response that you get? 05:35 Astonishment. 05:37 And the reason is because often 05:39 they are in a family 05:41 that downplayed what happened to them. 05:45 So sexual abuse is much more harmful 05:48 when it happens within a family 05:50 because when it happens in a family, 05:52 it signals not only the abuse itself 05:54 but it signals the failure of the protective system. 05:57 Okay. 05:58 So if your father abuses you, 06:00 that's gonna hurt on two counts, 06:01 number one, that you were abused by someone, 06:03 but number two, 06:04 that your daddy didn't protect you, 06:06 he harmed you anyway. 06:07 Yeah. And he harmed you. 06:09 So incestuous sexual abuse is by far the worst form, 06:14 but I would add quickly that I think 06:16 abuse on the part of clergy 06:19 toward congregants is similar 06:21 in that church is supposed to be a what? 06:23 A kind of a family system. Yeah. 06:26 And you trust that individual to represent God to you 06:29 and then they represent his enemies. 06:30 So those abuses that are inflected in a system 06:34 that is designed to protect... 06:35 It's like an autoimmune disease where the very thing 06:38 that's supposed to protect you ends up attacking you. 06:39 Yup. 06:41 And that's gonna cause more harm 06:42 than generic abuse, 06:44 not that that's not harmful, it's terribly harmful, 06:46 but it's gonna be much worse if it's someone 06:48 that was supposed to be loving you. 06:49 Yeah. 06:50 And there's a few reasons for that... 06:52 There is that act of betrayal. 06:53 It's extreme betrayal. 06:55 And often, what happens 06:57 in these dysfunctional system is, 06:58 unhealthy and sinful systems 07:00 I should say, not just dysfunctional, 07:02 is the victim will go to someone else in the system 07:06 looking for justice, looking for support 07:09 and because this system 07:11 is so invested in the perpetrator, 07:13 who is typically, you know, an alpha figure, 07:17 who defines and often provides for that system, 07:20 be it a family or a church or whatever, 07:22 that individual is thought to be indispensible, 07:26 people won't confront the sin in that person, 07:29 they will preserve that person's ego at all costs 07:32 rather than confront them. 07:34 And so the victim comes to try to get support 07:36 and encouragement and help and they are told, 07:39 "No, nothing wrong happened to you. 07:40 Just forget about it or forgive," 07:42 often in a Christian context. 07:45 A guilt trip is literally 07:46 put on the victim to forgive way 07:48 before there is any reason to forgive 07:50 or any reparations made, 07:51 you should just forgive that person 07:53 and act like nothing ever happened 07:54 which is what that really means. 07:55 Wow. 07:57 So they are, kind of, trying to sweep it 07:58 under the rugs, so to speak. 07:59 That's right. That's right. 08:01 And so that individual will be retraumatized 08:04 by that denial of that shutting down process, 08:07 they'll be retraumatized 08:09 and it can really, really be difficult to unwrap that 08:12 when a person finally comes to try to get help. 08:15 So bottom-line, you know, often this systems 08:19 where abuse occurs need to be dealt with 08:22 in order to help the victim and sometimes the victim needs 08:25 to see someone brought to justice. 08:27 You know, I do victim support for victims of clergy abuse, 08:31 but sometimes I just feel like just me sympathizing 08:33 with them isn't enough, 08:34 I have to go after the perpetrator 08:36 and I have to let that person know 08:37 that I will not stand for this in church. 08:39 Yeah. 08:41 You know, if I have to die on that hill, 08:42 I'll die on that hill. 08:43 Yeah. And sometimes I do. 08:45 So I am... 08:46 Anyway, sexual abuse within a family is more harmful 08:48 because a lot of times, there is secondary abuse 08:52 and there are some other things that are going on there. 08:54 A trauma that is unprocessed can often lead to dissociation 08:59 where the individual doesn't deal 09:00 with those intense emotions at all 09:02 and they'll dissociate from them. 09:04 So then, they don't learn how to process emotion. 09:06 They often come into adulthood really deficient in that area. 09:11 And then, also a condition 09:13 we call chronic limbic brain arousal 09:17 where the fighter flight response is firing constantly 09:20 and that person is in a constant state of fear. 09:22 Wow. 09:23 Yeah, so often they needed to be treated 09:25 for posttraumatic stress. 09:26 Yeah, so all of these are long term affects. 09:29 They can be. 09:30 So I would suggest if you are that person, 09:32 if you've been through abuse, or if you know someone 09:34 or loves someone who has, 09:36 urge them to go to a counselor 09:37 because a counselor can help them. 09:39 A counselor will listen to them. 09:40 A counselor generally will believe them, 09:44 a good counselor will. 09:45 You can come to abidecounseling.com. 09:48 At Abide Counseling, 09:49 we are trained in how to help victims. 09:51 We believe victims unless we have some reason not to. 09:54 But generally speaking, victims coming to counseling 09:56 are not lying. 09:58 They are just trying to get help 09:59 for a difficult situation, so we will believe... 10:01 Especially when they are paying, 10:02 why are they gonna pay you for it, so why? 10:05 Exactly. You are so correct. 10:08 So a lot of times what they need is 10:09 to just tell their story. 10:11 I've sat through stories of abuse that 10:14 made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. 10:16 Literally, with one guy, I almost fainted. 10:19 I won't tell you what he shared with me 10:20 because I wouldn't want ever to repeat it. 10:22 I can't repeat it to people. 10:24 They get too freaked out 10:25 but I almost fainted off my chair 10:27 listening to what this guy went through. 10:28 But they need to tell someone, and so they'll tell their story 10:32 and there are some other treatments 10:34 for posttraumatic stress disorder. 10:35 There is a technique that a lady named 10:38 Francine Shapiro developed. 10:40 She was walking in a park 10:41 thinking about a disturbing event 10:44 and she noticed that as her eyes moved back 10:46 and forth across the field of vision, 10:47 it didn't bother her as much. 10:49 So she realized that by lateralizing, 10:52 the brain enhances its ability to process 10:55 difficult emotional material. 10:57 So she developed a way called Eye Movement Desensitization 11:00 and Reprocessing, seems a little like hypnosis 11:02 but it's not 11:04 because there is no mind control involved. 11:05 That's the objectionable feature of hypnosis 11:07 in my thinking. 11:08 Yeah. I just take clients on walks. 11:10 I say, "Let's talk through this 11:12 and you just keep looking at the birds, and the clouds, 11:14 and the flowers and the beautiful wind 11:15 going through the trees 11:17 and we'll talk through this awful event in your life, 11:19 and we'll see if we can come to grips with it." 11:21 And sometimes, just offloading their story like that 11:24 in the right context in a trust based relationship, 11:29 they can get past it 11:30 and start to just build a new association 11:32 between that memory and the ability to stay calm. 11:35 Yeah. Yeah. 11:36 I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be 11:43 in a situation like that and then, you go to, like, 11:46 okay, let's say in a family environment, 11:48 you go to that family member and you tell them that such 11:52 and such has been abusing me for x amount of years 11:56 or whatever the case may be 11:57 and they don't even believe you. 11:59 Awful. 12:00 You know, just to be telling the truth 12:02 and then nobody believing, 12:04 that's got to be so frustrating. 12:05 Yeah, I want to mention some resources here. 12:08 My friend, Paul Coneff, 12:09 he is a marriage and family therapist. 12:10 He has developed a system that is particularly helpful 12:14 to victims of abuse 12:15 and what he does is he walks them 12:19 with prayer through the cross, through the passion story. 12:22 And at the outset of it, they come to the place 12:26 where they start to realize 12:27 that Jesus actually experienced the same. 12:29 He was betrayed by His people. 12:31 The ultimate betrayal, crucified. 12:35 We have no king but Caesar and even abandoned 12:37 by his own disciples, forsaken by family members. 12:41 He went through all that and more and often times, 12:44 when the victim sees that, 12:46 they realize that they have a savior 12:48 who truly empathizes with them and that in 12:50 and of itself can be powerfully healing. 12:52 He has a book called, "The Hidden Half of the Gospel" 12:54 that I recommend for victims of abuse. 12:56 So abidecounseling.com is one resource and then, 13:01 we will have others, you know, 13:03 on the homepage of intimateclarity.tv. 13:07 We will have more resources for victims 13:09 that need a clue of what to do next. 13:12 We will have 800 numbers, places they can reach out to 13:16 that'll line them up with the help they need. 13:17 Wonderful. 13:19 There are definitely places where people can get help. 13:22 There are a lot of resources for... 13:26 Simply because abuse is just that common. 13:29 There are many, many resources fortunately for people 13:32 who've been through that. 13:34 But we need to break the silence in church, 13:36 Jason, because this secret has gone on too long. 13:39 It happens in families, 13:40 it happens in religious families. 13:42 It happens in churches. 13:44 Spiritual leaders, pastors, elders, teachers, 13:48 perpetrate abuse on students and congregants. 13:51 It's a horrifying thing 13:54 when someone representing God 13:56 actually uses people for their own pleasure 13:58 and God is gonna have to deal with them 14:00 because I don't want to have to. 14:02 But I will, for the victim's sake. 14:05 That's all I'm gonna say about that. 14:06 Absolutely. 14:07 Well, this has been a wonderful conversation 14:11 on a very sensitive topic and you know, 14:14 if you need those resources, 14:16 make sure you go to intimateclarity.tv 14:18 and we look forward to seeing you next time. |
Revised 2018-08-02