Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000352
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers".
00:33 We've got I believe a great program for you today,
00:36 because you are going to be looking
00:38 at the full spectrum of faithfulness,
00:41 faithfulness in ways that you've never thought about.
00:44 You know, the Bible tells us that the fruit of the Spirit
00:47 is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
00:51 goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
00:56 As Christians we need to be faithful.
00:58 And it's not only our relationship
01:01 between us and God, the faithfulness to God
01:04 but its also when the Lord puts us together
01:07 as husband and wife in a marriage
01:09 we need to learn to be faithful
01:11 as husband or wife and faithful as a parent.
01:15 So we have a very exciting guest returning today
01:18 to discuss this matter with us and that is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
01:23 Dr. Doug, so good to have you back in here.
01:25 Thus feeling glad, Shelley.
01:26 And your book, The 7 Love Agreements,
01:29 you call this decisions,
01:30 the byline on this was Decisions
01:32 You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage.
01:36 And you talk about experiencing the power of faithfulness
01:40 and that's what we're going to talk about today.
01:42 But for those who may not know you. Sure.
01:46 Let's just kind of give them a little brief resume.
01:48 You are married to a beautiful Lisa.
01:50 22 years.
01:51 22 years to Lisa have two children, age 14 and--
01:55 12. 12.
01:56 And your counseling center is in Colorado Springs.
02:00 Tell us a little about that.
02:01 Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs,
02:02 we have a team of counselors there, they're all Christians.
02:05 And we do telephone counseling.
02:06 We do three day intense for marriages,
02:08 we do a lot with addiction and recovery issues,
02:11 men's issues, all that kind of stuff.
02:13 And of your 20 books,
02:15 a lot of those are on addiction and recovery, are they not?
02:18 So that's kind of a-- and marriage.
02:19 That's an edge. Sure.
02:20 That's an edge for both--
02:21 We've written three marriage books.
02:22 Three marriage books.
02:23 Now let's talk about,
02:24 I love when you're talking about
02:27 experiencing the power of faithfulness.
02:30 Let's-- you've identified a number of different categories,
02:34 let's begin with spiritual faithfulness. Sure.
02:36 And we know that faithfulness is the heart of God.
02:39 We know that's His heart.
02:40 So to be faithful is simply following His heart.
02:45 You know, we love that He's faithful.
02:47 Don't we love that when we call upon
02:48 name of Lord and He's there? Amen.
02:49 We love that when we need
02:50 patience or forgiveness He's there.
02:52 We love that He is just faithful. Amen.
02:56 Even when we are not faithful,
02:58 the scripture says, "He is faithful."
03:01 And that studies us.
03:03 What I love is the fact that Philippians 2:13,
03:07 he says that that God works in us to will
03:11 and to act according to His good purpose.
03:13 So faithfulness is part of His purpose
03:15 and as we looked the fruit of the Spirit,
03:18 the power of the indwelling Spirit
03:20 living in us will give us that ability to be faithful.
03:25 Now faithfulness though when you talk about the fruit of Spirit,
03:28 the fruits are for other people to taste not you.
03:32 The fruits are for you to produce
03:33 so that other people can eat. That's good.
03:36 So when I'm faithful,
03:37 it produces the fruit that gives you nourishment.
03:41 You know what I'm saying? All right.
03:43 So fruits aren't for me, they're for you.
03:45 That's good.
03:46 I have to be faithful but the Spirit gives me
03:47 the ability to be faithful
03:49 so that you can taste the Godness of that.
03:53 Taste and see how good the Lord is.
03:54 You know what I'm saying? Yes.
03:55 And so let's talk about--
03:56 when you're talking about faithfulness,
03:57 spiritual faithfulness so many Christian couples
04:00 do not pray together.
04:01 Oh, oh.
04:03 It's astounding. That is.
04:04 I mean there's this studies on that are astounding.
04:07 Even pastors who don't pray with their spouses.
04:10 It is a sad thing
04:14 that there is such spiritual unfaithfulness in marriage.
04:17 That's-- You know what I'm saying?
04:19 Adam and Eve walk with God.
04:20 Okay, as a married couple we need to walk with God together.
04:25 That doesn't mean you have to have
04:26 some kind of 80 minute devotion everyday
04:29 but probably should be that you pray together at least
04:31 or do some worship together.
04:33 And worship is different than prayer.
04:34 Worshiping together would be good.
04:36 Reading would be okay, it'd be very good idea
04:38 but somehow spiritually feeding each other on a faithful basis
04:41 which means most days. Amen.
04:44 Not legalistic, you know if you don't do it,
04:45 you know, you're gonna be you're a worse than Christian.
04:48 But if you're not doing it all together that's unfaithfulness.
04:52 You know, it's amazing I always ask people
04:55 when they're dating, are you--
04:58 you know if you're getting serious--
04:59 are you praying together as you're dating?
05:01 I tell them pray in public.
05:02 Yeah, so don't get to into it, yeah.
05:04 Pray in public. That's good. That's good.
05:06 But they should have or praying over the phone--
05:08 Build that foundation.
05:09 If you are not building that foundation
05:11 where you're comfortable to pray with one another
05:13 then when you get married it doesn't change.
05:16 I tell-- I tell ladies,
05:17 listen if he's not praying with you while he is dating,
05:19 stop dating with him. Amen.
05:20 Because he's not gonna pray for--
05:22 he's not gonna pray with you during marriage,
05:23 he's not gonna pray with your kids
05:24 when they want to go to bed,
05:25 he's not gonna pray for your grandchildren.
05:26 So you've affected two other generations
05:29 by the man being spiritually unfaithful during dating.
05:31 That's good.
05:33 You know what I'm saying? Right.
05:34 So-- but this does happen.
05:36 Spiritual faithfulness is really important
05:38 because it's the foundation of our faith to be faithful.
05:41 You know, to be faithful to God
05:43 and to be faithful to each other to God.
05:44 So would you also include spiritual faithfulness
05:47 than attending to church?
05:49 Going to church,
05:50 having a fellowship of believers surrounding you, absolutely.
05:53 That be all part of faithfulness.
05:55 We're not going to church.
05:56 So we love praying together. We love connecting together.
05:58 I love learning from Lisa, she likes learning from me.
06:01 Best part of our DNA is spiritual faithfulness.
06:04 Even if we're on vocation we will find the church there
06:07 and go to church there.
06:08 You know what I'm saying.
06:09 That's not religion, that's just--
06:11 We want to be faithful to him, who is faithful to us.
06:14 You know, when you mention DNA,
06:17 I have to share what the Lord gave me
06:18 when my new book comes talking about
06:21 spiritual DNA, we all have it.
06:23 It's either the devil's nature acquired
06:26 or the divine nature acquired.
06:28 Oh, it's good.
06:29 So when we've got--
06:31 And one thing that I always point out
06:33 to people is what Peter Paul
06:35 when he said that God gives us
06:37 everything we need for good life and godliness
06:40 and that he's giving us
06:42 His exceedingly great and precious promises
06:44 through which we partake of that divine nature.
06:48 So part of that spiritual faithfulness
06:50 is being in the Bible together.
06:52 Know what the word of God says
06:54 and appreciating one another for who we are in Christ.
06:57 And when you're going through several areas of faithfulness
06:59 so you might want to, you know,
07:00 if you're at home check off your box,
07:01 we're spiritually faithful or we're not
07:03 because by the time we're done there might be an area
07:05 that you need to work on
07:06 so that you and your spouse got a better marriage.
07:08 So the second thing
07:10 that you mentioned was emotional faithful.
07:12 Emotional faithfulness, there's two parts thought.
07:14 One is being consistent about sharing your heart.
07:17 You know, we talk about on some of the shows we done before
07:19 sharing feelings, knowing how to do that,
07:21 the book tells us how to do that.
07:23 Walking through, here's my heart was today
07:25 and doing that most days, doing that consistently.
07:30 Now the other part of emotional faithfulness is
07:32 not doing that with other people
07:35 that you don't do with your spouse.
07:37 Oh, boy, you brought up a good point.
07:39 It is emotionally unfaithful for you to have,
07:41 you know, just your friends who you share your heart with
07:43 but you don't share your heart with your spouse.
07:45 Whether your male or female this is dangerous, you know.
07:48 And this-- this would--
07:49 Especially cross gender.
07:50 If you're sharing your heart with,
07:52 you are a man sharing it with the woman at work,
07:53 that's unfaithfulness emotionally.
07:56 If the woman is sharing her heart with a man at the gym
07:59 that would be unfaithfulness emotionally.
08:01 We want to be emotionally faithful
08:03 and as being consistently sharing a heart with spouse.
08:05 That's good.
08:07 We hear stories a lot, being on television,
08:11 you know, you get a lot of calls
08:13 that where somebody has developed,
08:15 just going into a chat room
08:17 and developed some kind of
08:19 an online relationship in just a chat.
08:21 Unfaithfulness. Okay.
08:23 I'm glad that you just-- It's unfaithfulness.
08:25 There's no question about it that's emotional unfaithfulness.
08:28 I'm not married then why should be sharing my heart with him.
08:30 Or if somebody has developed a,
08:32 you know, I tell people if you've got a prayer partner,
08:36 you know, it's not good.
08:37 If you're married person,
08:39 you're not supposed to have cross-gender prayer partner
08:41 because you end up sharing your heart with him,
08:43 maybe when you're not sharing at home.
08:44 And that should become emotional faithfulness.
08:46 And what some people do as they do they pour their heart
08:48 to other people than they have nothing for their spouse.
08:50 That's good. That's unfaithfulness.
08:51 Okay. Okay.
08:52 Now this is one that some people don't even think about
08:57 but I love that you point it out,
08:58 parental faithfulness.
09:00 Parental faithfulness is really important issue
09:02 especially as Christians
09:03 because it took both of us to make our child.
09:04 It's gonna take both of us to see the child through.
09:07 Amen. Okay.
09:08 The child needs a masculine voice and a feminine voice
09:13 so it gets the voice of God.
09:14 That's good. Okay.
09:16 And men need to pick up the kids after school,
09:18 men need to, you know do homework,
09:19 they need to do the things with the kids,
09:21 they need to play with them.
09:22 Women need to do what they need to do with the children.
09:23 And we both need to do, this is a team.
09:25 Parenting is not a single sport unless crisis through death,
09:31 there's other things that can happen.
09:33 But the ideal situation is where both people
09:35 are playing the team with the kids
09:37 because once more like one adult with the other adult,
09:40 you understand them better.
09:41 One has different needs, one's motivated differently
09:44 and you need to get in there and team play this.
09:46 You know sometimes these will get exasperated
09:49 and with the child and they say, okay,
09:51 let's come up with some ideas
09:52 and one of the ideas is a good idea.
09:54 And she says, oh, that's a good one,
09:56 I'll try that one because she is out of ideas, you know.
09:58 And she has insight with the kids, I never have.
10:02 She just sees it and I'm like, wow,
10:04 that is really a gift you have,
10:05 that's a gift 'cause I would have never seen that.
10:07 Seems like a lot of mothers have that, yes.
10:09 Yeah. But dads do too.
10:11 Dads know when to see them work.
10:13 It's time to call my son out,
10:15 it's time to call my daughter out.
10:17 I want you to stretch harder than you've ever stretched,
10:20 pushed harder than you've done,
10:21 playing harder than you've ever done.
10:22 I want to be right next to you,
10:24 I'm gonna show you to push harder.
10:25 And mom is like, oh no.
10:27 You know, but children need both ways.
10:30 They need the parentless, faithfulness and both.
10:33 Otherwise it gives them a lopsided.
10:35 So parental faithfulness is really important.
10:38 All right.
10:39 Dr. Doug, speak for just a moment
10:40 to the parent the single parent.
10:45 Maybe it's the wife whose husband,
10:47 ex-husband is not remaining parentally faithful.
10:53 They are involved with the children.
10:54 What do they do?
10:55 Well, there I mean, that's where you know,
10:57 being in a body believers is really important.
10:59 You know what I'm saying.
11:00 There are other young, young guys
11:02 who can help this young man or young lady
11:04 or young ladies who can help the young lady.
11:06 You have youth groups, you have youth pastors,
11:08 that's what they are for it's to help in that situations.
11:10 Okay. And there is also--
11:12 I could connect to another family
11:14 that seems like they're pretty intact
11:15 and hang out with them, a little bit.
11:17 So that they can see how that looks like.
11:21 You know what I'm saying.
11:22 You can't be the man to them
11:23 but you can put them around some godly men they go.
11:25 Oh, that's what that looks like.
11:27 That's good. You know what I'm saying.
11:28 And let some godly men take them
11:30 and do stuff with them as well, it's okay.
11:32 That's wonderful. All right.
11:33 Let's talk about the one we think of most often
11:37 and that is physical faithfulness.
11:38 Yeah. Physical and moral faithfulness is really critical.
11:41 Now what you want to talk about here
11:42 is setting up your boundaries so that you can stay that way.
11:46 Here are some of the guidelines here.
11:48 Never talk negative with your spouse
11:50 with someone of the cross gender.
11:52 Say that again.
11:53 Don't complain about your spouse to someone of the cross gender.
11:56 So if I'm a guy I don't talk to woman about my spouse.
12:00 Now for sure they want to complain about okay,
12:02 but if someone did if you have something
12:04 to complain about talk to the other guy,
12:05 say, totally get what you're talking about.
12:06 Okay. You know what I'm saying.
12:07 And then I gonna feel sorry for it,
12:08 you can say now wait a minute.
12:10 Your life is match you just spent 500 bucks you didn't have.
12:12 Well, you're a moron that's your problem.
12:17 You know, they will catch you on that.
12:18 Okay, a guy will correct you.
12:21 A woman will give you sympathy
12:22 and that sympathy can be misunderstood
12:24 and become a very kind of romanticize kind of thing.
12:27 You know this is something that we teach young pastors as well
12:31 as that when you are counseling with a woman
12:36 if you're a cross gender to have your spouse with you.
12:41 Because what happens often and this--a woman if--
12:44 let's say a man and woman.
12:46 A woman got a problem, she takes it to a man, a Christian man.
12:49 And this case we're saying it's the pastor.
12:51 Sure. It may not be the pastor.
12:53 What happens is the Christian man
12:55 is being so understanding,
12:57 he's listening and he's counseling her.
12:59 Enjoying, he has the story.
13:01 He is only getting after story so is she.
13:03 You know, maybe she is saying my husband never listens to me.
13:06 And here is this man who's just being so attentive.
13:09 She sees the Jesus in him and she transfers those feelings.
13:14 Now it could be that that pastor goes home
13:17 and doesn't listen to his wife either.
13:18 But she doesn't know that.
13:20 Hence that is the demise of many relationships, isn't it?
13:23 Okay. Yeah.
13:25 So having really clear boundaries
13:26 with your communication about your spouse,
13:28 you know, that's really important there.
13:32 And having a genuine commitment to faithfulness,
13:36 you know, knowing that that is a place you can't go.
13:39 And other thing is that
13:40 if your man having accountability is critical
13:42 because they are situations in work or travel
13:44 or situations where you know you get pinked by something.
13:47 If you call on other guy
13:49 say listen, I'm in a situation you know the TV is in the room,
13:52 I'm not gonna turn the pornography
13:53 but you never thought about that.
13:54 That's faithfulness. Amen.
13:57 That's me protecting my family.
13:59 But you're being accountable
14:01 because pornography is physical unfaithfulness.
14:04 It's physical, emotional--
14:06 You know, it brings you down that road for sure.
14:08 And we do a lot of people who are struck with pornography,
14:10 you know, and the practice, okay.
14:11 All right. And so that's a big issue.
14:13 So having some clear boundaries
14:14 is a good part of just being morally faithful.
14:19 Let me ask you a question,
14:20 I haven't know which category
14:21 you would put this particular problem in
14:24 but I hear, I speak with the lot of woman
14:27 who will tell me that my husband
14:30 wants to fantasize or play games you have,
14:34 have these little stories and play games
14:37 and think of me with somebody else when we're being intimate.
14:40 Would you agree that's unfaithfulness?
14:42 Yeah. I would say that's really unwise
14:44 and it can lead to unfaithfulness.
14:45 And we've got several books on that subject
14:49 on man in recovery and stuff like that.
14:51 We're not here to do that today
14:52 but that can definitely be a problem.
14:54 So yeah, have total boundaries around any bad stuff.
14:56 Because the better physical relationship
14:58 is eyes open looking and nurturing each other.
15:00 Okay, that's God's will.
15:02 Okay, and then we have--
15:03 Okay. Now you've got to the--
15:07 Financial. Financial faith.
15:09 Financial faithfulness.
15:10 Yeah, now that's a tricky one
15:12 because lot of us sometimes we do our thing financially.
15:14 You know, we want to buy the shoes or suit,
15:17 other things and toys and stuff like that
15:19 without necessary looking at the long term.
15:21 Here are some very critical things, number one, tithing.
15:25 Now I'm a counselor, I'm a psychologist, okay.
15:28 Now in 20 years of counseling people
15:30 we have severe financial problems.
15:33 I've asked each one of them do you tithe?
15:35 And every one of them told me no without exception.
15:39 I actually--
15:40 So that tells me if you have financial problems don't tithe.
15:42 Right. Okay.
15:43 So tithing is number one, you have to be an agreement on that,
15:45 if you're not, you are not you are in trouble.
15:47 Okay, that's that is faithfulness financially.
15:49 And then having long term plans for retirement,
15:51 collage, cars and weddings.
15:53 Those are all gonna happen if you had a child the week
15:57 my daughter was born we started her collage account.
16:00 Because I'm responsible and Lisa responsible
16:03 to make sure that her asset gets there
16:05 and she will get there to collage, okay.
16:06 So being financial responsible has the long term planning,
16:10 investing, retirement, tithing, and all that kind of stuff.
16:13 And then also financial faithfulness is the old budget
16:17 that we all don't like to have, okay.
16:19 But having some kind of--
16:20 isn't that this sort of all written down or anything
16:22 and that is helpful though.
16:24 So that you kind of know what you're spending,
16:26 to keep in track of that that's financial faithfulness.
16:29 Another trick in financial faithfulness is having a number.
16:32 And neither one of you will spend
16:35 without consulting the other person.
16:38 Nobody likes looking at credit card to go, oh my, what is that?
16:42 You know what I'm saying. And so no surprises.
16:45 If it's over X amount
16:47 probably have a number you can agree with
16:48 and then that would be faithful to call your spouses.
16:52 Hey, listen, hey, I thought about doing this,
16:54 I'm here its on sale, I wanted to just let you know.
16:56 So there is some kind of respect financial back to you.
17:00 Now if you have a financial goals and financial plans,
17:04 a form of financial unfaithfulness would be,
17:07 let's say that you've agreed that you're going to be
17:10 putting all the extra income that
17:13 or all the non-budgeted income
17:16 that you have this year to reduce your mortgage
17:18 or let's say to half your credit debts.
17:22 And you've agreed that we're going to hold off
17:24 all it's erroneous type of spending.
17:29 Then you go out and you've got this agreement with each other
17:32 and there is some sale and you blow $500
17:35 because everything was on sale.
17:37 That's financial unfaithfulness.
17:39 And that person had to take everything back.
17:41 There you go. That's good. Yeah.
17:43 Because that's unfaithfulness, okay.
17:44 Like me and Lisa at the end of every year,
17:46 Lisa and I sit down and go through all of our systems,
17:48 financial, spiritual, our physical relationship,
17:51 our friends, kids, business, all the systems there.
17:55 And we go through and make agreements all the way through.
17:57 So one year we made an agreement
17:58 that we work on have any large purchases
18:01 we're gonna actually pay off our house, okay.
18:03 And so we were able to do that but during that year
18:07 that's real good year for cars
18:08 and I didn't buy like four cars that year
18:11 'cause all I was really wanting to
18:13 but we made an agreement that I wouldn't.
18:16 That we would not acquire any new debt
18:17 until the house was paid for.
18:18 That's good. You see what I'm saying.
18:20 And so see in our marriage the government is stronger than me.
18:24 And you know what I like is the fact
18:26 that you do at the new years you do this every year.
18:30 You sit down and you make a plan
18:32 because that old saying, if you plan to fail you'll--
18:35 Definitely, you'll succeed.
18:36 Yeah. That's what I meant.
18:37 If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
18:39 Right, right, right. Exactly.
18:41 It's really good because I think there's a lot of people
18:43 who just go through life
18:45 and things happen as they come at them
18:48 and then they wake up--
18:50 They react instead of act.
18:51 They wake up when they're 60 years old
18:53 and realize retirement is coming soon and they have nothing.
18:55 Had a couple in my office last week who were 55 years old
18:58 and almost nothing in retirement.
18:59 What are you thinking?
19:00 Yeah. I mean, come on.
19:02 You've got, you don't even have enough time to figure this out
19:05 because for every thousand dollars a month
19:07 you want to live on
19:08 you need about a hundred thousand dollars in retirement.
19:10 Wow. Okay.
19:11 People don't realize that.
19:13 Okay, so they think they got this little $50,000
19:15 they think it's a lot and the last there's nothing, okay.
19:18 And you can't live off your primary
19:20 and you live off the return from your investment, okay.
19:24 And so the soon you sit down with your financial planner
19:27 whether you're 20 or 30 that's the best time to do it.
19:29 You're 40, okay, you can work hard.
19:32 At 50, you can bring thousands of dollars a month
19:34 into a retirement vehicle on top of your mortgage,
19:37 car payment systems.
19:38 You see what I'm saying.
19:39 So it's as soon as possible you get that plan in place.
19:42 You know it's something simple
19:44 that if you can't afford to go to a financial advisor
19:46 when you've early married.
19:47 Very simple rule is first 10% return to God.
19:52 Second 10% put into a savings account
19:55 or some source of saving vehicle.
19:58 Learn to live off the 80%. Absolutely.
20:00 And most of us do it just the reverse,
20:03 instead of putting that 20% returning 10 to God
20:06 and putting 10 away and living on the 80.
20:09 Most people live on 120% of their income.
20:12 They are out there maxing out their credit cards.
20:15 And that creates debts, that creates problems,
20:17 that creates future bankruptcy.
20:19 And what happens is you're living on your wealth
20:21 and you don't do that.
20:22 You want to create wealth in your presence
20:23 so you have wealth in your future
20:25 so that your children and grandchildren
20:26 have lot in their futures. Amen.
20:27 And the Bible is clear about that.
20:29 It's not about us. That's right.
20:31 A good man lives in inheritance.
20:32 I take western cultures that are worse
20:34 than this in some other cultures.
20:35 But any culture you are at
20:37 and if you start saving earlier the better.
20:39 That's financial faithfulness to God,
20:41 to your spouse and to your future family.
20:44 Okay, you also talked about faithfulness with friends.
20:47 Yes. It's good to have friends.
20:49 You know, marriage is-- it's an enterprise, okay.
20:52 It's just like you know, taking on a business
20:53 or taking on some big project.
20:55 It's an enterprise as if you know, many decade enterprise.
20:59 And it's good to have friends in your life that you can talk to,
21:03 that you can hang with and you can have your type of fun with.
21:05 You know my wife doesn't want to jump out on planes,
21:07 she doesn't want to do,
21:09 you know, risky things like that
21:10 'cause she has intelligence
21:11 that you know is greater than her risk factor.
21:14 My risk factor is higher than some intelligence.
21:16 Okay, so I sometimes I need to go hang with some guys
21:19 who want to go do something really kind of fun, for me,
21:22 okay, that won't be fun for her, all right.
21:24 And so having friends you can play with,
21:27 having friends you can say, you know what,
21:28 this is kind of rough, it's rough day,
21:31 you know and they can say,
21:33 yeah, it's a rough day but you got a big God.
21:35 And they can realign you,
21:37 see, I have this theory, men make men.
21:41 And it's a good thing to share your heart with your wife
21:43 or sometimes, you see talk to guy so I guy say,
21:46 you know what, you're better than that, stop whining,
21:48 get back on the beam and I'll perform the other guy.
21:51 Okay. You see what I'm saying.
21:53 Now when a man tells you that,
21:54 boy, you straight line up and you just can't--
21:56 you can't fuss with them because he's probably right, okay.
22:00 And it's also important, Shelley,
22:02 for ladies to have a place to go and do their chattering, okay,
22:07 about the things in their life.
22:09 Their kids, those creatures called men, you know.
22:12 Don't understand these things.
22:14 All that kind of stuff
22:15 and not, but also to share insights on
22:18 how they're doing things well
22:19 and to encourage one another
22:20 and you know when one's down and pick the other one up.
22:22 We all need friends whether we're male or female
22:25 to have some place to kind of be supportive,
22:28 sometimes maybe complaining a little bit
22:30 but in a safe way that some one can say you know what,
22:32 I know you really in love, you're just kind of fussing.
22:36 So you just said something in a safe place,
22:38 we're talking about faithfulness among friends.
22:41 Now what would be considered unfaithfulness?
22:44 For example, if a man has,
22:47 a married man has a male friend who is single and unchristian,
22:52 and the other is Christian and married,
22:54 for them to be hanging around a lot together?
22:57 Yeah, that'd be, you know, you got to talk about
22:59 Christian about being unequally you know, in any relationship.
23:01 Okay, good one.
23:04 And your friends should be
23:06 having the same value systems you have.
23:07 They should definitely be Christians
23:09 because they might have the word of the Lord for you that day.
23:13 It's hard to get the word of Lord from a non-Christian.
23:15 Right. You see what I'm saying.
23:17 And another good thing is to have some friends
23:19 that are a little further along in life
23:22 or little further along in areas of life,
23:25 so that you can learn from them.
23:26 That's good.
23:27 It's always good to have at least one friend
23:28 that's least you know, 15 years older than you.
23:30 And they serve men in a mentor role, really.
23:33 Sure, just as an example, or just to have that insight
23:36 'cause you know the older I get,
23:38 it seems that I'm able to be more reflective
23:41 in my thinking and not so rigid.
23:44 And I think if I had somebody
23:46 who's 15 more years older than me,
23:47 they seemed that is not a big deal, trust me.
23:51 You know you've got a few more years with your children,
23:53 you're gonna be living life with your wife in a great way,
23:56 just move through these next years
23:58 no matter what happens 'cause its gonna get so good.
24:01 I remember when-- you know what I'm saying,
24:02 and they can give you that reflective kind of thing,
24:05 that you know a 20 year old friend can't give to me.
24:08 But now as far as friends and the faithfulness in friends,
24:12 what do you think are the greatest attributes to--
24:19 I don't know what the question is--
24:20 Yeah, I think you're asking me
24:21 like what's really important there?
24:22 What's important is that those friends support your marriage.
24:25 And if you start trashing your spouse,
24:27 they correct you a little bit.
24:28 All right. You see what I'm saying.
24:29 Okay, it's okay to whine a little bit, that,
24:31 you know, kind of this but they should kind of like cause this
24:34 or what's your part in this
24:35 or how can you bring this back together.
24:39 You know friends that are encouraging you
24:40 to be moving away from each other,
24:42 not that kind of friends you need.
24:44 And, Doug, what happens
24:45 when we've gone through these areas of faithfulness,
24:48 but what happens in a marriage when things get upside then--
24:52 Sure, sure, sure.
24:53 How do you correct it?
24:55 Well, don't try to take them all on at one time.
24:58 You know, that's definitely the promise of love agreement.
25:00 You should take one thing one at a time.
25:02 So you say okay, we're gonna take on financial faithfulness
25:05 or parental faithfulness or spiritual faithfulness,
25:07 take on one. Let's do that.
25:09 And then work on that one for about 30 to 60 days,
25:12 set goals for yourself, there's actually goals in the book,
25:15 you write those down.
25:16 So maybe you work on spiritual faithfulness,
25:17 the only thing you want to do
25:18 is pray most days every day for two months.
25:21 Okay, that's great, that's all you're gonna do.
25:24 Maybe financial you can say, you know what,
25:25 we're gonna make it upon financial accounts
25:27 or we're gonna put 10% away
25:28 or in two months we're gonna do that,
25:30 we're gonna keep doing that
25:31 and get that thing kind of moving along,
25:33 okay, then take on,
25:35 you know what, the parental thing.
25:36 I really should pick up the kids twice a week.
25:38 It's not fair that you get talk to them after school every day.
25:42 Do you know what I'm saying?
25:43 Or I can take them to school at least twice a day
25:45 so I have that family time or whatever.
25:46 So we have to work on one at a time
25:49 because you know life is a big thing, Shelley.
25:53 It's a big thing, you know,
25:54 and you're not gonna become great at everything all at once
25:57 but you can become better at the small thing consistently
26:02 and then you can take on another one.
26:04 I like that, I like that so the book
26:06 is the 7 Love Agreements by Dr. Douglas Weiss
26:09 and I believe there's great power in,
26:13 as we learn to trust one another,
26:17 as we grow more faithful in our relationship to the Lord
26:21 and our relationship with each other,
26:23 it releases God's power within us and our power as a couple.
26:28 All it allows you to trust one another.
26:30 If I know that you're gonna be faithful,
26:33 I can trust you. Amen.
26:34 I never worried about my wife being morally unfaithful,
26:36 I never really worried but being financially,
26:38 actually all these things,
26:39 she's pretty good, she's actually pretty,
26:41 you know, wonderful.
26:43 Yeah. Okay.
26:44 So I can go do things like this,
26:47 leave my home for a day or so, and come back
26:50 and everything's gonna be relatively still in order
26:53 and that trust is because of her faithfulness.
26:56 And it's her consistency of faithfulness.
26:59 If she was faithful one month
27:01 and maybe she was there financially faithful one month
27:03 and she wasn't the next,
27:05 there is no trust in consistency and so it's good.
27:09 Dr. Doug, thank you so much for returning again today.
27:12 We always enjoy when you're here.
27:14 Well, thank you.
27:15 And the 7 Love Agreements are something I believe
27:17 that every couple needs to be making.
27:20 Thank you so much.
27:22 For those of you at home, we pray that God is showing you
27:26 some things you may not have considered before.
27:29 And that as you're learning these,
27:31 that these will be something
27:32 that you will want to put into practice
27:35 because we believe that they're very important
27:37 to having a fulfilling relationship,
27:40 not only with the Lord but with your spouse.
27:42 Now may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
27:45 the love of the Father
27:46 and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit
27:49 be with you and your family today and always.
27:53 Bye, bye.