Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000351
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers."
00:33 Today, we've got an exciting issue and that is How to Fight.
00:38 Now you might say Christians are not supposed to fight.
00:40 Paul even wrote in Timothy to Timothy in Timothy 2:24.
00:44 He said "The servant of the Lord
00:46 must not be quarrelsome."
00:47 Well, you know, some people say well,
00:50 Paul wasn't married to my wife.
00:53 But that we all though have conflict
00:56 and we need to learn how to resolve our conflicts in a way
01:01 that is a Christian manner and that's not harmful to other.
01:03 Please welcome with me our returning
01:06 guest Dr. Douglas Weiss.
01:08 Doug, we so glad that you're back.
01:10 Good to be here, Shelley.
01:11 And, you know, I always like to kind
01:13 of give you little introduction in the beginning
01:15 because some people may not have seen some of the other program
01:17 you've done on 3ABN and you are a psychologist.
01:21 You have actually four degrees, two in Bible
01:23 and one in family counseling in psychology.
01:26 You're the author of 20 books.
01:28 Tell us little bit about your practice in Colorado Springs.
01:31 Well, we have a counseling center
01:32 with Christian counselors.
01:33 We do telephone counseling, we do 3-day intensives,
01:35 we do a lot with addictions, we do lot with marriage
01:37 and issues, written three books on marriage.
01:39 And we've love to see peoples marriages better stronger,
01:44 so that they can tease non-Christians
01:47 into believing that faith makes a difference.
01:50 Amen. And faith does make a difference
01:53 when you have faith in God's way of doing things
01:58 and I think that as we started our program God
02:01 doesn't want us to be having not down drag out fights
02:05 and saying hateful things with one another.
02:07 And in your book The Ten Minute Marriage Principle
02:10 you talked about how to have a 10 minute fight.
02:15 We're talking about disagreement about resolving conflict.
02:18 Absolutely. We all have conflict.
02:19 Right in conflicts, you know, for some people
02:21 is a noddy bad word.
02:24 Okay, conflicts gonna happen,
02:25 you know, when God created
02:27 the heavens and earth.
02:29 In other words conflict because
02:30 there was change and systems were changing.
02:32 You know what I am saying? Yes.
02:33 Okay, conflict is a good thing.
02:37 Conflict attributes to growth.
02:39 It is growth if you handle it appropriately.
02:41 Okay. Now a lot of us did not had
02:43 a fight fear, did not had a fight will.
02:47 Some of us learned actually how to fight poorly
02:49 in destructive in our families.
02:50 You know, to get the last word in always
02:53 one up the other person, bring up all the past.
02:56 Of course scripture says don't bring up the past, right.
02:58 But, you know, you know, let's bring it up anyway.
03:01 The scripture also says that, love is not a scorekeeper.
03:06 It's not-- doesn't keep record of wrongs.
03:07 You're right, doesn't keep record of wrongs, right.
03:08 But when you fight, see if you learned dysfunctional
03:10 fighting then really you throw everything out
03:13 there you just do your own thing.
03:14 Right. Okay, and that kind of fleshly
03:16 kind of fighting is exactly what the scripture is saying.
03:19 Don't do that. Don't do the kind of fighting that causes pain,
03:23 shame because, you know, when you say those nasty things
03:26 out of your mouth you feel shame about it.
03:29 Then if you don't have the character
03:31 to ask forgiveness you keep that.
03:33 But you know that the Bible also tells us in Proverbs 18:21
03:37 "That there is the power of death
03:39 and life in the tongue."
03:40 In sometimes the words have such power that once you say
03:45 very cut remark even if you come back and you are sincerely
03:49 asking for forgiveness, your sincerely sorry those words
03:53 almost have a life of their own.
03:54 They can cut, they can wound
03:56 and they can take sometime to heal.
03:58 So we want to know how to flight fair
04:02 because if you are in marriage,
04:03 you're married to someone different than you.
04:05 Absolutely. They thing differently than you.
04:08 One is man, one is woman.
04:09 They feel differently than you, they're different gender
04:11 than you, they have a different
04:13 family words and different history,
04:15 a different--sometimes even different values in some areas.
04:18 You know that are necessarily right or wrong,
04:20 but they are different.
04:22 You know, let me give you classic example
04:23 in my marriage, okay.
04:25 And then we'll get into how to actually
04:26 do this in encourage people to practice at home,
04:29 okay because we want people to fight well.
04:31 I want you to know how to fight well.
04:32 Get a pen and paper because we need you to write
04:34 some things down in just a couple of minutes, okay.
04:36 Now here's an example.
04:37 Me and Lisa married probably our first year of marriage okay.
04:40 I am in seminary, I am thinking
04:42 full lot of seminary, I am working
04:44 40 to 50 hours a week, okay, so pretty tough schedule.
04:47 She's working, okay.
04:49 She worked the day shift, I worked the night shift
04:51 that' how we exchange one car, okay.
04:53 So we had this issue about garbage come up periodically
04:57 in our marriage and one day.
04:59 You're talking about like who takes out the garbage?
05:01 You are talking about the garbage, okay.
05:03 And so one day I am dashing out
05:06 of the apartment because I am-- I got to get to work,
05:08 she just came home and dash out to work
05:10 and she goes like don't forget take out the garbage.
05:13 I said, now she's gonna be home the whole next eight hours.
05:16 You know what I am saying?
05:17 And the garbage is, you know, just taking down
05:19 the steps putting in the dumpsters.
05:20 Not like it's, you know, six blocks away, okay.
05:23 And so I said, I don't know what this garbage issue is.
05:26 But, when I come home
05:27 we are going to deal with this thing, okay.
05:30 And so we are unraveled this incredible package, okay.
05:34 See in Lisa's family of origin she was the last six children's.
05:39 So she was at home when nobody else is home
05:41 and she would see her mom in Pennsylvania
05:44 carrying up the garbage in the snow.
05:46 Now, of course, she only carried it down
05:48 five steps and put on the curve.
05:50 But her little girl heart, she thought well,
05:52 if my dad love my mom he would take
05:54 the garbage out for her.
05:57 Okay, now some how she just made this message up
05:59 in her heart because her mom
06:01 was probably taking up the garbage.
06:02 That was her arrangement.
06:03 Mom's sit home did that and dad went to work, okay.
06:05 That was back when that happen most everywhere, okay.
06:08 But she really though well, if man loves woman
06:10 he takes out the garbage.
06:11 So garbage equals love.
06:14 Now I know this is totally irrational, okay.
06:17 Well, but people have irrational association.
06:20 This isn't right or wrong but it was still irrational to me.
06:22 Now see in my family origin we had a very equalitarian
06:26 kind of garbage system, okay.
06:28 It didn't matter if you're male or female,
06:30 if you are parent or child it went like this.
06:33 The person who put the last thing in the garbage
06:36 where it fell over had to pick that up
06:38 and then take it out.
06:40 So sometimes it would, you know, stack up a foot
06:42 or so above the garbage can and then it would fall
06:45 and we would all laugh and that person
06:46 would take out the garbage. Okay.
06:48 So see I came from an equalitarian garbage system.
06:51 She really had this emotional attachment to men
06:54 should take our garbage system.
06:56 You see what I am saying? Yes.
06:57 So we were in conflict.
06:59 Now this is something that it sounds funny.
07:03 It sounds funny but it's--
07:04 To talk about but this is really
07:06 what probably 50% of the-- I mean something of this type
07:10 for this nature is about 50% of the conflicts when couples
07:14 get married there is just like people associate
07:17 and give different values to different words.
07:20 Sure. And they were times
07:21 when J.D. would say something to me when we first got married.
07:24 And I would think boy, that doesn't sound to good,
07:28 you know, and I had to investigate
07:30 and as I would probe I would find out his value system
07:34 for that word was totally different then mine.
07:37 And I-- we could have
07:39 had a blow up over this but we didn't.
07:41 So when you talk about recognizing
07:45 that we all have conflict let's learn
07:48 how so we can take those conflicts and have a 10 minute
07:51 disagreement, fight fairly what are the steps.
07:55 Yeah, and again you right.
07:57 We're gonna fight mostly not about theology
07:59 we're gonna fight mostly
08:00 about silly stuff, toothpaste, toilets.
08:03 We squeeze it at the bottom or in the sinner.
08:04 Exactly. How you fold your shocks.
08:06 Do you fold them or do you like,
08:08 you know, roll them or whatever.
08:11 Now, we do have a--let me give a tip
08:12 to the I's in a minute.
08:14 And in my house we have rule.
08:15 I'm gonna give a tip.
08:17 In my house it's a rule like this,
08:18 if I do it I am doing it right.
08:21 If Lisa is doing it she's doing it right.
08:24 And if I or she complains we get to do it.
08:27 So if I am folding inset up rolling its fine.
08:32 You see what I am saying? Yes.
08:33 And if she wants to complaint about folding
08:35 or rolling then she gets this and fold the laundry.
08:37 Yeah, you know there is--
08:39 So that saved us at least 500 arguments.
08:44 Now there's probably some woman out
08:45 their like me who had certain ways they like things done
08:49 and you've learned at least I learned from the beginning
08:51 I can't complain if he is doing so rather
08:54 than asking to do I just did it myself.
08:56 Sure. And then the busier
08:57 you get though you finally come to the idea.
08:59 You'll be flexible.
09:00 We do need to have the three fold,
09:03 if he wants to do two folding the top
09:05 that will work if I am too busy to fold in myself.
09:08 That's right you get flexible and that's a good thing.
09:10 Okay. Now we have
09:11 to acknowledge ever gonna fight.
09:13 Okay, so let's learn how to do well.
09:14 Okay. Okay and this is where we're
09:16 you gonna need your pens.
09:17 Okay, because it was actually form in the book
09:19 and if they email they can get other two so.
09:21 The form is this okay, you first write an idea
09:25 at the top of the paper.
09:26 What are we fighting about? One thing, okay.
09:29 Like let's take the garbage.
09:30 Unless first-- let me say this.
09:32 The word fight most people
09:34 have a very negative association to that word.
09:37 So fight doesn't mean this is this is the disagreement.
09:41 No this just, yeah. This is just how to solve a problem.
09:44 Okay. Okay let's do that way.
09:45 How to solve your problem?
09:47 There you go.
09:48 Okay at top of your page what the problem is, okay.
09:50 Right. So the problem
09:51 in this case you say the garbage, that's the problem.
09:54 It's not Lisa or me it's the garbage.
09:58 It's the problem, we got to solve
09:59 this garbage problem, okay.
10:01 Now the second step of this problem is really important
10:04 and our earlier show you and I talked
10:06 about how to do feelings.
10:07 Now to communicate feelings, okay.
10:09 Right. This is where this really
10:10 comes in handy because often times your fight
10:12 is not what's on the top of the page it's about
10:15 the feelings about what's on top on the page.
10:17 So for Lisa it wasn't about whether or not
10:20 who will take the garbage out. She would felt unloved.
10:22 She felt unloved. She would have
10:24 felt unimportant. Right.
10:25 She would have felt disrespected.
10:27 She would have felt confused
10:28 and I automatically read her mind, okay.
10:30 Taking out the garbage.
10:34 And so, so that's it.
10:36 She writes down her feelings.
10:37 Now so far we're not talking, we just wrote down
10:38 some on top of the paper.
10:40 She's writing down her feelings, okay.
10:42 And I wrote down my feelings.
10:44 I might have felt confused frustrated
10:47 and may be amazed that she wouldn't
10:50 want take out the garbage. It's perfectly healthy.
10:52 Take out the garbage, right.
10:53 Okay we now want to be equal if it comes to garbage, okay.
10:55 So we're all confused easily there.
10:58 Okay so now we wrote the problem,
11:00 step two, we wrote our feelings.
11:01 Okay, we're not talking yet,
11:03 we're writing it down.
11:05 So you're each writing a separate pieces of paper.
11:08 Separate piece of paper till you get really good at it.
11:10 I recommend you write down first.
11:12 Then the third step on our process
11:14 is to identify possible solutions.
11:17 Okay. Okay so solutions.
11:19 So she's writing solutions down I am writing solutions down.
11:22 So her solutions might be Doug takes out
11:24 the garbage or Doug takes out the garbage.
11:27 Okay, whatever now might be Dough
11:29 takes out the garbage, Lisa takes out the garbage,
11:31 one of the kids takes out the garbage,
11:32 we hire someone take out the garbage,
11:34 the garbage stays in garbage can whatever, okay.
11:36 So we both right down our solution,
11:37 so far we're still not talking. All right.
11:40 We just wrote down.
11:41 Now next probably talk, okay.
11:43 Your combined solutions, so we got identify the problem,
11:47 identify your feelings, identify solutions,
11:50 see where we're going.
11:51 Now we combined our solutions.
11:53 So together may be we have six solutions 'cause,
11:55 you know, someone of them are the same.
11:57 All right, now this is the fun part.
11:58 The last part is and so far we're still not talking.
12:02 So how do you have you shared--
12:04 Well we talk just about there.
12:07 I am sorry, we did talk when combining our list, okay.
12:10 So we did talk about that.
12:11 We're not arguing about them
12:13 we're not fussing about them, we're just making a list.
12:14 All right. Okay, like grocery list, okay.
12:17 Make your list and then last part
12:18 is you also not talking you wrote.
12:21 So you take your little list you both have a copy of list
12:24 and you wrote one to ten.
12:26 One is I think this is really not a good idea.
12:28 Okay. Ten is I think
12:30 this is great idea. Okay, so one to ten.
12:34 Okay, now elevens never win.
12:36 Okay, if you think is great
12:38 and they think its one that's eleven that never wins, okay.
12:41 So what happens is you got the six options
12:44 your spouse is voting, you're voting, okay,
12:46 and now you what you do you take
12:48 the highest number and that wins.
12:52 Okay. And we're done
12:53 with the argument. Wow.
12:56 Without even discussing this. You don't really go into.
12:59 But now-- Now it takes all the fun out
13:01 of it doesn't it? Well now--
13:02 Like I want in control, I want to give him
13:04 a few punches in there, I want bring out the past,
13:06 I want do with this issue, I want beat you
13:09 so that you capitulate to me.
13:10 You know, we're talking beating up
13:11 emotional, mentally, verbally.
13:14 But that doesn't solve a problem.
13:17 So are you saying that, you know,
13:19 first of all there's probably someone out
13:21 there who is saying I am not gonna sit down
13:23 and write this out but I would say to you
13:25 if it's that's simple and there is this little irritating issues
13:29 why not? I mean this would be something to and you did say
13:33 this is to begin with your doing this,
13:35 you learn how to do so it's not--
13:36 Once you learned how to fight its great.
13:38 Because then you can say okay what's the problem?
13:40 What we're really talk about here, honey?
13:42 And I am saying, I really feel unloved, unearned,
13:46 I mean, unappreciated when you do such and such.
13:48 And whatever and then I will say well,
13:49 these are my feelings, here's our solutions
13:51 what we want to do?
13:52 But see this method is solution focused.
13:56 Okay. See the whole process
13:57 of conflict is to create a solution
13:59 so you're not to keep fighting.
14:01 That's where the whole program
14:03 what you said right there because
14:05 what people do is when they start fighting
14:08 they want to be right, they're not looking for,
14:11 they're wanting to win
14:12 and that's not how you resolve conflict.
14:14 Because the really the less bright idea
14:17 with more passion might win. Right.
14:20 Do you see what I'm saying?
14:21 You can get someone who has got a really
14:22 bad idea but they got more energy and more passion
14:25 and what they've done is they create a system
14:27 where the most passionate person wins.
14:29 Well, that is not good thinking.
14:31 So it is not supposed to be win-lose.
14:34 And plus you only--you usually dealing with only two options.
14:37 Okay. Mine and yours as supposed
14:40 to using both of our resources and coming with six or eight
14:43 and then figure out what you want to do.
14:46 Because see, now I am trying
14:48 to create solutions I am not trying to,
14:49 you know, block your head, punch you back emotionally
14:53 and then step back while you hit me.
14:55 See we're not doing any of that.
14:57 Now I know it is not as entertaining.
14:58 I know it's actually it this could be very boring
15:01 do the first couple of times.
15:03 Because you like this is no fun,
15:05 I didn't get-- I didn't get to use
15:07 any of my equipment, but most of equipments
15:11 are your flesh. Yes, yeah.
15:13 They're not the spirit. We are being quarrelsome.
15:16 Yeah, that's not the spirit.
15:17 The spirit has order. Amen, Amen.
15:20 You see what I am saying?
15:21 The spirit has a focus on solutions
15:23 towards the betterment of each person.
15:25 All right, but how do you take a couple
15:27 who have been married for many years
15:29 and their way of doing it is let's raise
15:34 the volume we're going to, you know,
15:38 and you see couples we counsel with some couples.
15:40 Oh, yeah, absolutely.
15:41 Who it's always it's the one up's men.
15:44 One day one person kind of got the upper hand
15:47 and then the next day the other one does
15:49 and then they have this power play going on all the time.
15:52 How do you take a couple like that who have been
15:55 practicing from the wrong way for many years
15:58 and get them to doing it the right way.
16:00 Of course I can. We say, just look at your scars.
16:02 Right. You guys have
16:04 hurt each other. Amen.
16:06 You guys have, you know, look at that.
16:07 Ten years ago you have a scare there.
16:08 Right. You have a scare
16:10 there in your heart, think you're sad.
16:11 See you want more scares, that's really which one to.
16:15 Is that what Jesus has called you to do.
16:16 Is to blood in your spouse?
16:20 No, its not, and you are gonna
16:22 be accountable for those bloods. Okay, so --
16:24 And see if this were in the physical,
16:27 I mean if we saw someone literally slap
16:30 or hit their spouse, we identified
16:32 it immediately as sin and call 911
16:34 but when we see people who are making
16:38 the verbal assault and slapping them,
16:41 sometimes those wounds heel
16:42 whole lot more slowly than the others.
16:44 Yes, they can. We don't always stand up
16:47 and say, you know, this is not acceptable.
16:50 But, so how-- how does someone
16:52 like this--how do you get them to practice this?
16:54 That's exactly what I have been doing in my office.
16:56 Now of course they are paying
16:57 for me to help them, okay. Right.
16:58 3ABN loves you and they want you to get this for free
17:03 for just watching today.
17:04 Okay, so hope you took notices now.
17:06 So what you do is you actually write down that formula
17:09 the problem, the feelings, the solutions, the vote,
17:12 okay and you actually practice this.
17:14 I have people practice in my office says,
17:16 listen here is your form and give it to them.
17:18 I say no, okay, I want you guys
17:21 to--what's the problem you want to you want to solve.
17:24 Okay, great okay, I'm leaving my office.
17:26 You are still paying me I'm gonna leave
17:27 for five minutes you have five minutes
17:28 to figure out this fight.
17:30 Okay, I will come back
17:32 in five minutes you wil have this figured out.
17:34 And they go, they look at each other
17:36 but then they start fill out the paper and they go okay,
17:38 by the time I come back usually
17:39 they have a pretty good consensus on their vote.
17:43 You see what I am saying?
17:44 And second time I'm gonna leave again,
17:46 you go off you fight again. I will be back.
17:47 You are still paying me, I will be back.
17:49 And they are fighting again is not.
17:51 And they are fighting again on that paper.
17:52 And its always on papers, its not verbally, it's just--
17:56 And they realize that they don't have to go through this,
17:57 you know, range and pumping up
18:00 and trying to out smart the other person
18:02 and stuff like that. Actually,
18:03 what I am doing is taking the best of you
18:05 and the best of me and putting it on paper,
18:07 instead of the worst of you and worst
18:09 of me in verbally exchanging.
18:12 Do you see what I am saying?
18:14 And do you ever have somebody
18:15 though that when they come to that as practical
18:17 as it sounds and as logical as it sounds.
18:19 Sure, sure, there are some people who just like to fight.
18:21 When they get to it though they are saying like oh,
18:23 yeah, this will be a compromise
18:25 that we both agreed to the solution,
18:26 but it's still not what I really want?
18:29 Oh, may not be your idea that wins
18:30 that's part of the process but you did vote.
18:35 And so-- And your vote counted.
18:37 I like this. And then, you know,
18:39 if he gave it a six or she gave it a seven
18:41 and that's the one that won, because you couldn't be on any
18:44 of others and that's the one that wins.
18:47 She says in about right, the system of that I got
18:49 to be right you got to be wrong,
18:50 I am bad you are good.
18:52 See it throws out all those negative tools
18:54 are being quarrelsome and gives you a tool
18:57 that you can actually walk in pieces, okay.
18:59 And here is the-- here is the fun part about this.
19:02 Once you make a decision, okay in a Ten Minute Marriage
19:05 we have you actually get a notebook somewhere
19:07 and keep track of decision you have made.
19:11 On this date we made such a decision,
19:12 you both sign off on it.
19:15 So that we call like a book of memory or book of decisions,
19:19 how we want to call it and so what you do
19:21 and so if you come back to that argument about
19:23 the garbage you can say wait a minute.
19:25 This sounds familiar lets go back,
19:28 you know, six months ago we already
19:30 decided on garbage. There it is.
19:32 Now, Doug, I can say--
19:34 Do we need to do it again?
19:35 We can do it again but we probably
19:36 gonna come with the same thing.
19:38 I can see that this works on the small conflicts
19:42 but let me through one at you.
19:43 Okay. Let's say that,
19:47 we are trying to make a decision.
19:48 Our child has been home schooled
19:50 and now where its-- may be the wife
19:53 is going to work, and-- One ends that.
19:55 That ends that so we are trying to decide
19:58 if we want them to go to
19:59 Christian school or to public school.
20:01 And let's say, I am just role playing here
20:04 but let's say in this case the father says I think,
20:06 they need to go to public school.
20:07 While they are still living at home we can monitor
20:11 what's going on in their life's
20:13 and let them get exposed to the world
20:14 while we still have influence.
20:15 And the wife is saying no I really
20:17 don't want them expose to that,
20:19 they are too young they need to go in Christian school.
20:21 Can you sit down? Now, see you are actually
20:23 bringing up another conversation
20:24 because that's like a government issue.
20:26 See they're gonna fight about
20:27 this they don't have a government.
20:29 Because if it's a monarchy and the guy thinks
20:30 he is the king, he is gonna think she should skip and sleep.
20:32 If she thinks she is in a democracy
20:34 she's gonna keep going out in forever.
20:35 I know we talked about that on a different show
20:37 about the government and it's in the book as well.
20:39 That--that one could be a tough so you could still write,
20:43 okay where the kid goes to school,
20:44 you could write this down.
20:45 But see there is only two options.
20:47 All right, so this has.
20:49 And so that one he is gonna vote his,
20:51 and you gonna vote yours and you still
20:52 gonna be locked even in that system.
20:54 Okay, now, in that situation
20:56 if you don't have a government establish,
20:57 you are going to argue forever.
20:59 Now what you may want to do is bring in either pastor,
21:02 counselor or spiritual people in your community
21:05 and try to get the heart of God in this decision.
21:09 All right. Do you see what I am saying?
21:10 Right. Because they got a big one
21:11 and only got two options and so you can come down
21:13 and she is gonna vote her way,
21:14 he is gonna his way and its not gonna work.
21:15 So, the ten minute fight, that we are talking about
21:20 here on paper is good for something that has more than
21:25 two options but if it gets down
21:26 to whether it's either one or the other
21:28 this isn't going to be practical?
21:30 No, no, no, this will work, you see,
21:31 that's more into your government.
21:32 That would turn you back into government
21:34 and also the big decisions, like who takes out
21:37 the garbage, really I'm not sure God
21:38 is all that excited about that.
21:40 Okay, He might give you a word of knowledge okay
21:42 but probably you can figure this out, okay.
21:46 And might be careful about that, so but the thing about
21:49 whether you kid goes to school or something
21:51 like that where you leave or where you go to church
21:53 those are bigger things.
21:54 And those decisions its okay to bring other people
21:57 in and process with and trying
21:59 to the hear the voice of God.
22:01 You see what I am saying? And there is wisdom
22:02 in a multitude of counselors, the Bible says. There is,
22:04 you know, and if you are seeking godly council
22:06 because people have different believes
22:08 about both those thinks you have mentioned
22:09 and they are very strong believes.
22:11 Some of them the most religious beliefs about
22:13 what you should do with your kids, okay.
22:15 And again most of that is an emotional thing,
22:21 okay, that then they uses their minds to rationalize
22:24 why they emotionally believe that.
22:26 Now let me ask you a question that sounds strange
22:29 but when you are introducing this to couples of course,
22:32 you have got the minute environment
22:33 where they are paying for you and they are following you.
22:35 Yeah, I would do the conference or something like that,
22:37 and hand out the sheet and say okay,
22:38 now you guys practice a fight and I will watch.
22:41 No hitting and they will laugh,
22:43 but they actually consult problems.
22:45 Its seed in my mind, it would see
22:47 my most women would say, oh, yeah I will be ready to do this.
22:51 Immediately accepting this and my mind--I can see most men
22:55 kind of rolling their eyes and saying, complicated.
22:58 I don't have that experience.
22:59 You don't have that experience, that's interesting.
23:00 I don't know may be this world view of men
23:02 that may not be exactly, men love to learn
23:06 and they really don't want to be fussing
23:07 with the wife for 25 years. All right.
23:09 It is not fun for us either and then also means
23:11 less opportunities for other things in our life
23:14 and so it's not fun for us, okay.
23:15 We like to streamline things as soon as possible.
23:18 So men look at them and then they go oh, that's a good thing.
23:19 I can--I can we can fight when we are done,
23:22 it can ruin our day.
23:24 Let's just fight checking out the box when you're over with.
23:27 Do you know what I am saying?
23:28 Instead of spending all night and you don't like me at night,
23:30 and we wakeup the next day and we still like,
23:31 we got three days in this mood, so you punish me,
23:34 we don't want to go through all that.
23:37 We want to solve the problem.
23:40 What's the strangest thing that you have ever seen,
23:43 one of the strangest arguments you've ever seen
23:45 that in your counseling sessions that people had to go through
23:50 this and may be had a little bit of difficulty
23:52 in selecting the voting and in selecting the--
23:56 Well, there is lot of things.
23:57 I mean there is purchases, there is pets,
23:59 there is even things as far as fighting about
24:03 whether some one should be in their life or not.
24:07 You know, particularly may be as a friend
24:08 they had an ice scoop but it's not
24:09 a good influence for now in your 30's.
24:11 Shall that person really be in your life?
24:13 They gonna walk through that process.
24:15 They might navigate well, you know, may be,
24:17 may be you can see that person once every
24:19 so often and they gonna make their list.
24:20 You know, see them ever so often,
24:22 not see them at all, see them
24:23 only with the spouse blah-blah-blah.
24:25 Only in public places that don't include alcohol or whatever.
24:29 You see what I am saying?
24:30 That's really make the list and check that off
24:31 and try to figure that out for them for that couple.
24:34 That's interesting. So yeah,
24:35 so you got all kinds of things you could fuss about.
24:38 You know what I am saying?
24:39 And so but having a tool that can help you bring
24:44 the best resources of him and her because
24:47 I am gonna expect that you probably
24:50 marry someone who is intelligent.
24:51 Right. Okay, at least
24:52 you thought so when you married right.
24:53 then its only after marriage that sometimes
24:56 the intelligence of our spouse declines.
24:59 It comes into question again.
25:00 Yes, okay. And so what this does
25:03 is it allows you to return to that respect
25:06 of your spouse's resourcefulness.
25:09 That's good. I can respect
25:10 that Lisa could help with ideas
25:11 and so she will solve the problem.
25:12 She can respect that I can and together
25:15 we usually come up with some pretty good ideas
25:17 and some if we are arguing about,
25:19 you know, like just fuss
25:20 we want to come up with the solutions.
25:22 That's good. Because we are been
25:23 defending ourselves and trying to outthink the other person.
25:25 Now I can calmly think down, bang, bang, bang here
25:29 is the ideas, great and let's work through this.
25:31 It also helps you to--to have to recognize your own feelings.
25:35 Let me go through, I am gonna recap this,
25:38 on the ten minute conflict resolution,
25:42 the fight is that a top of the sheet you write down
25:47 the problem then the next section
25:49 is you are writing about your feelings.
25:52 So you have to identify your feelings
25:54 and then the next thing is you are listing out
25:57 several solutions as many as you can think of then,
26:00 you look without-- you not having been
26:02 talking but then you are looking now at the solutions
26:05 and I am might go through and think your idea,
26:07 that's a one not being very good,
26:10 this next one is a tin maybe but we go through
26:13 and we write these and then add up
26:15 and lets say that there is-- I may give us problem
26:19 or solution a one saying I don't like
26:21 it where you may have given it 10 because
26:23 that is your idea, so that only 11.
26:25 But then if we both have found one on each others list
26:28 that we think that's an eight
26:29 and I have voted an eight, it's a 16 so it wins.
26:32 It wins. Right.
26:34 That sounds almost simple.
26:35 It does take the fun out of fighting.
26:38 So do solve a lot more problems.
26:40 You see, once you start
26:41 solving problems, then when the conflict
26:43 comes up, you know that the agenda
26:45 is to solve the problem not to attack
26:47 and beat up your spouse.
26:49 And the whole idea is that once you get this
26:52 when you practice this for a while then it becomes
26:56 that you don't-- the papers
26:57 unnecessary after a while.
26:59 You can sit and talk about the various solutions
27:02 and ways to resolve the conflict.
27:04 And that feeling thing is important because
27:05 if you don't know how the other person feels
27:06 you might be fighting about a feeling not knowing it.
27:10 And then those discussions goes for hours.
27:12 Who would think, who would think
27:14 that someone might feel unloved
27:15 if you didn't take out the garbage?
27:17 You know, honestly it took me a while to catch that one.
27:19 Well, praise God that you win.
27:22 Thank you so much for being with us,
27:24 Doug, and we look forward to you returning.
27:26 Thank you. Thank you,
27:27 for those of you at home, I hope you did have a pencil
27:30 and paper out this, this sounds like
27:32 its too good to be true but this is a man
27:35 who knows because he is put it into practice in his own life
27:38 and he also has taught many people
27:41 how to not be quarrelsome over conflict
27:45 but just to sit down and resolve
27:47 it just very simply in ten minutes.
27:49 So hope that you will put
27:51 that into practice in your life.
27:53 That's for joining us.