Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000350
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers."
00:33 We are glad you tuned in and no matter
00:35 where you're watching us from around the world.
00:37 And I believe that today you are going to find
00:40 a very valuable lesson, something that will help
00:43 you in your marriage because no doubt you may be married
00:47 to someone who is a little bit different than you are.
00:49 And you know Paul wrote to the Romans in Romans 12:18.
00:54 He said, "If possible, as far as it depends on you,
00:58 live at peace with everyone."
01:00 Notice he said if possible.
01:02 It's not always possible but we are to strive to live
01:05 at peace particularly with our mates.
01:08 And if you are married to someone
01:10 who is motivated in a different way
01:11 than you are motivated it may not always be easy.
01:15 But we have with us today
01:16 a very special guest it's Dr. Douglas Weiss.
01:19 And Doug, we are so glad that you have come back to join us.
01:23 Oh, I'm glad to be here again.
01:24 Now, let's for those who may not know
01:26 you, you have been on a number of times on 3ABN
01:28 but for those who may not know you,
01:30 you are psychologist, the Director of Heart To Heart--
01:34 Counseling Centre. Counseling Centre
01:35 in Colorado Springs. You have also authored 20 books
01:39 that one again on marriage and relationships
01:42 and over coming addictions.
01:43 What is your specialty?
01:45 All those, we deal with addictions and recover,
01:48 we deal with marriages, we deal with
01:49 lot of men's issues, with your marriage conferences,
01:51 men's conferences, telephone counseling,
01:53 3 Day Intensives, all kinds of stuff.
01:55 Now you also had your doctorate in ministry and--
01:58 Doctorate in psychology, two master one in counseling,
02:02 one in divinity, bachelors in Bible.
02:03 Wonderful. So we try
02:04 to keep that all balanced.
02:06 Well, we are very glad that you are here today
02:08 and we are gonna be talking about
02:10 how people are motivated.
02:12 And you have already shared with me we are either
02:15 internally motivated or extremely motivated.
02:19 And before we actually get into the difference between
02:22 the two first let me just ask you a basic question.
02:25 Why is it important that we recognize this?
02:28 Well, I have been looking at marriages
02:29 for about 20 years in counseling, okay.
02:32 And what I found out is that couples
02:33 are motivated differently.
02:36 The individuals motivate differently.
02:37 If they don't understand how the other person is motivated
02:39 they tend to argue more, they tend to have a lot more
02:42 misunderstanding and it all tend to be able to capitalize
02:46 on the other person's strength
02:47 because their strength is seen as a weakness
02:49 by the other person.
02:50 I see, okay. You see what I am saying?
02:51 Yeah. And so, in the book
02:54 The Ten-Minute Marriage, we talked about
02:55 how someone is either internally or externally motivated, okay.
02:58 What that means is, if someone is externally
03:00 motivated their motivation is outside of them.
03:03 Right. Okay, the internally
03:05 motivated person their motivation is inside of them.
03:08 Okay, so you have to really break this down
03:10 and simplify for us the way we understand.
03:11 Yeah, I'm gonna make this really simple.
03:12 So let me, let me give examples,
03:14 okay, like I'm mostly internally motivated,
03:17 my wife is mostly externally motivated
03:19 and we have one child of each.
03:21 Okay, one child.
03:22 Okay, we would suggest go clean your room.
03:26 And that child goes off and cleans the room.
03:30 All right. That's the externally
03:31 motivated child. So--
03:33 They don't mind following directions,
03:34 its okay, they go do that and they are happy to do that.
03:37 There's no problem because, yeah, they came from outside
03:39 it's not a problem from them, okay.
03:41 And this is your son in this case?
03:43 Yeah, my son this case.
03:44 Is the externally motivated one and he doesn't mind
03:47 following the rules, the regulations.
03:49 Its do what I am told.
03:51 Right, yeah and that's works for him, okay.
03:53 Now, my daughter is more like me so she is internally motivated.
03:56 So what that means is, she has reality
03:58 on the inside of her, okay and so if I say
04:00 go clean your room.
04:02 That is a beginning of a discussion.
04:04 First of all who am I to tell her to clean her room?
04:07 It wasn't her idea to begin with.
04:08 Why should she clean her room and that because
04:11 it's not coming from with in? You see what I'm saying?
04:15 If I said to her listen, your friends are coming over
04:18 and if they saw that mess, they might really think
04:20 that you are kind of a slob.
04:22 So then she might say, you know,
04:24 I probably gonna clean my room.
04:26 Well, that's a really good idea. All right. And that she would
04:28 go clean her room with no fights
04:30 whatsoever because it was her idea.
04:32 Okay. You see what I am saying?
04:34 And many of us have one or the other kind
04:36 of child in our-- in our mix
04:39 and so you can't parent them both the same.
04:41 Okay, what happen is you will try to put more pressure
04:45 on the internally motivated child because,
04:47 she is not as complained as the other one.
04:50 You know-- And what will happen
04:51 is you will get really-- you will get really frustrated
04:54 because internally motivated children
04:56 think that you are in co-parent with them not just,
04:59 you know, the parent, okay,
05:02 and it takes different set of skills.
05:03 And the same way these children grow up
05:06 and they become spouses. I see.
05:09 You see what I am saying? Okay.
05:11 And so how we relate to one another
05:13 understanding how we are motivated is gonna make a huge
05:16 difference in how successful our marriage is.
05:18 Now, and you are not saying that because I think
05:21 from what you are saying I may be,
05:23 by nature an internally motivated person.
05:27 Now I do follow rules and regulations but it's usually
05:30 because there is an appeal in my heart
05:32 that it makes me want to but I got a good example I think.
05:35 Okay, When we first married,
05:37 you know, I was at that time in my life
05:41 I was kind of more of a night bird.
05:42 I would stay up till, you know I would be writing
05:45 and doing things midnight 2 o'clock
05:47 still got to get up early and go to, to work.
05:50 So I complained to J. D. that, I needed more rest.
05:53 And one around 10 o'clock he came in and he said,
05:55 you need to stop what you are doing.
05:57 Go wash your face and get on bed right now.
06:00 Then I thought you are not my father,
06:02 I didn't say that but I believe that I actually stayed up
06:05 a little bit later that night because
06:08 I thought you can't boss me around, I'm not a little kid.
06:11 That's right, it was in my idea.
06:12 You know, I was thinking about
06:13 it but now as you told me I'm not gonna do it.
06:16 Yeah. Yeah, that's an example
06:17 of someone who is internally motivated.
06:18 You know, like my daughter is internally motivated.
06:21 So when she was in first grade, pretty much and second grade
06:25 my wife insisted that she will do homework with her.
06:27 My wife is externally motivated and thinks
06:29 you should do homework because it's the right thing to do.
06:31 Right. My daughter thinks homework
06:33 an insult because who are they to tell me to do this homework
06:37 I should be out playing, right.
06:38 So my daughter would take-- could take 30 minutes
06:41 and enjoying out for three hours.
06:43 Okay, so one night when I'm up cleaning closet
06:45 my wife comes up and says, you go down and deal with her.
06:47 I go I will be happy to have to do homework
06:49 with there for the last couple of year.
06:51 You deal with her.
06:52 Okay, so I went downstairs and about 30 minutes
06:54 later I am upstairs cleaning the closet.
06:56 She says, why are you up here? We are done.
06:59 She was-- there's no way you are done.
07:02 I go there. Yes, go check it I didn't do it.
07:04 You stopped my writing and she did it,
07:05 okay and she comes up close how did you do that?
07:08 That was simple. Hadassah likes money
07:11 so I put a quarter right down next to her homework.
07:13 I said, if you are done I am gonna set the timer
07:15 for 30 minutes you can have that quarter.
07:16 If you are not done I'm gonna take that quarter back.
07:19 She didn't want to do the homework
07:20 she wanted the quarter.
07:22 So, that sounds like you are externally motivated
07:25 for your quarter but its not.
07:26 No, no because the quarter is her idea.
07:28 She wanted that. I see, I see, okay.
07:30 See me saying, so then she did her homework.
07:31 Okay, let's walk through
07:32 some of these characteristics, okay.
07:33 Absolutely. Okay, all right,
07:35 now I got these written down so I don't miss any, okay.
07:37 Now when an externally motivated person
07:38 and if you were one of these people you gonna think,
07:40 wow, he understands me.
07:42 And if you are not, you are not gonna
07:43 have no clue about what I am talking about
07:44 till with the later.
07:46 Okay, rules have value, rules are--they are good, okay.
07:50 Right and wrong are permanent.
07:52 Externally motivated people have right
07:54 and wrongly like clearly deviated
07:56 in their heart and mind, okay.
07:59 Like I said they are not-- they are very easy
08:00 to follow directions because other people's ideas
08:02 are equal to theirs and they could be just as good, okay.
08:05 They are not their ideas, in other words
08:08 if they have an idea and someone gives some criticism
08:10 about that's okay, because this is their idea.
08:12 Okay, now they are their work, like if they are doing something
08:15 they are very conscious and if they criticize
08:17 on the work that's difficult for them.
08:19 So very conscious, they tend to manage very well,
08:22 here is this trick, they tend to process things thoroughly, okay.
08:27 So they can take them a couple of days sometimes
08:30 they think through something to what they feel good enough
08:33 but they are really making good decision because
08:34 they think how it impacts all these different people
08:37 and situations and so they actually think through things,
08:41 okay which is very important and a good skill.
08:43 They are able to see consequences,
08:45 the negative consequences of things down the road.
08:47 You see, now I'm thinking I'm externally motivated.
08:50 Okay. Okay. So you see where I have been there. Okay.
08:52 But they can actually see the consequences.
08:54 We shouldn't do this because of A, B and C.
08:55 Okay, they do not enjoy conflict.
09:00 And conflict is not fun for them because
09:02 it doesn't play to their strength.
09:03 Because they take time to think through,
09:05 they don't like to things.
09:07 You see what I am saying?
09:09 They need to do the right thing.
09:10 If they do the wrong thing, I mean it just about kills them.
09:14 They'll be--if even they make a wrong comment,
09:16 they will think about if for three days.
09:18 You see what I am saying?
09:19 So that is the externally motivated person.
09:21 All right, so hand on there.
09:22 Now, let's see if we can discover the rest of this.
09:24 Now, if you are internally motivated right now,
09:27 you are gonna go wow, this is great, I'm not just
09:30 a bad person this is really why I'm motivated
09:32 because sometimes in terms we get label
09:34 as bad or selfish or stuff like that.
09:36 Now, you are just internally motivated
09:38 but you need to understand that so you can
09:39 be less selfish and more understanding.
09:41 Isn't that pathetic?
09:42 Okay, so let's talk to this.
09:43 Internally motivated, they think outside the box.
09:46 And matter of fact, there's usually
09:47 not a box inside, okay.
09:49 They are very relative, and they are thinking,
09:51 they don't have right and wrong and they are thinking.
09:53 Those cook up 38 ideas on something
09:55 and not necessarily think right or wrong.
09:57 That is good idea, so they are just ideas okay,
10:00 they spit them out and they love thinking about ideas.
10:02 They tend to over value their ideas.
10:04 Their ideas even though they only took them
10:07 a microsecond to come up with it are really valuable to them.
10:11 I know that I got some.
10:14 Yeah, yeah exactly.
10:16 So if you insult their ideas, boy, you are gonna really,
10:18 you know, they are gonna get really offended by that, okay.
10:21 Now, they like speed in making decisions.
10:25 Now they are not to be right decisions
10:27 they just had to be made, you know, quick, quick, quick
10:30 we made five decisions.
10:31 I feel great, let's go to lunch.
10:33 Okay, you know, where the externals
10:35 like thinking they are first one,
10:36 but see now, think about this.
10:38 An internally motivated person likes to make decisions what?
10:40 Fast. An externally motivated person
10:43 likes to think through the things.
10:46 Can you see how marriage is gonna be--
10:47 I was just getting ready to ask that question.
10:49 A very, very difficult thing.
10:50 If I don't understand how you process
10:51 and inside all gonna be by the way I process
10:54 we are gonna fast, whether I am internally
10:56 or externally motivated. Right.
10:58 Because you are not doing it the way I would do it.
11:00 Now, is it possible to be a good blend of both of these?
11:05 Yeah, rarely. Usually you tend
11:06 to slide towards one side or the other.
11:08 Now, as a Christian God is gonna balance us.
11:11 You see what I'm saying?
11:12 Because I'm mostly internal but I've really learned
11:14 a lot about right and wrong in doing stuff well,
11:18 and that kind of stuff.
11:19 So as a parent or as a Christian mate
11:22 or a mate in general, you don't have to be a Christian
11:25 to want to practice these principles.
11:27 When you recognize as you begin to recognize
11:31 your mate or your child and how to motivated,
11:33 how can you become successful, particularly if you got,
11:38 it seems to me that it to be a good balance
11:40 to have a husband or wife better opposite
11:43 because if you are both, externally motivated
11:46 its gonna take you for ever to make a decision.
11:48 Well, you don't make decisions, you just kind of follow rules.
11:50 All right, and if you are internally
11:53 motivated both of you, you may be making
11:55 some nice decisions and lot of mistakes.
11:57 Yes. So how do you become
11:59 successful in dealing with?
12:02 Yeah, we are getting right to that.
12:03 Let me finish the internal thing.
12:04 I wasn't done yet. They don't see consequences
12:09 because their ideas are really good.
12:10 They don't see that if I make this widget
12:11 and we put a say X amount of money to making
12:14 this widget that no one wants to buy it.
12:17 They just think it's so wonderful
12:18 I did they thought of this widget
12:19 World is abounding with stories of create being inventors
12:22 of the widgets who blew all of the finances.
12:25 Oh, yeah, yeah and that's-- that's every where, okay.
12:28 Now the internally motivated person also accepts conflicts
12:31 and absolutely likes conflict.
12:34 You know, if my daughter is a little bored
12:36 she will create conflict because she likes conflict.
12:39 She likes to think fast, she likes to make decisions
12:41 fast and she likes to just go at it.
12:44 You know, me and her sometimes we just have fun.
12:46 My wife is like what are you guys doing?
12:47 We are just having fun.
12:48 You know, just interacting about
12:51 something and so the internally motivated person
12:53 accepts conflicts, actually likes conflict.
12:55 And again you can see the internally likes conflict,
12:58 the external doesn't like conflict.
13:00 So when you are parenting a child,
13:02 I started to ask you a question, Doug,
13:04 if it would be easier to parent the external
13:07 or the internally motivated child but that's gonna depend
13:11 whole lot on your personality,
13:12 yourself isn't it. Absolutely, yeah,
13:14 if you are an external, you have an external child
13:16 you are gonna love that child.
13:17 Okay, if you are internally motivated and you are having
13:20 internally motivated child you probably
13:21 are going to have some favor with them.
13:22 But, both of you gonna get frustrations with the other one.
13:25 Right. Do you know what I am saying?
13:27 So yeah, it's good
13:28 if you both-- if you work through that.
13:30 Now for an internally motivated person,
13:32 listening does tend to be little difficult because
13:34 they are really are thinking what they are going to say,
13:36 as supposed to what the other is saying.
13:39 And you know, Christ wants to bounces out
13:41 these things, okay, but these
13:43 are generally characteristics.
13:44 Now one other thing is the internally motivated
13:46 person has is an unlimited amount of persistence.
13:49 Okay. They can read, read, read
13:52 or study, study, study or work, work, work or do it.
13:54 If they have it in their mind to get something done,
13:56 it is done and they will put the persistence
14:00 into it that's a long night, a long year or five years
14:04 to get one thing done. Perseverance is just--
14:08 Perseverance is one of their strength.
14:09 So you can see how these are different,
14:12 okay and how we, how we need to work
14:14 with these to make it good.
14:15 So, now, getting back to that question
14:18 though before-- I so rudely interrupted
14:20 you before you finished.
14:21 Is how does-- how do you become successful
14:25 if you are internally motivated and you are married
14:28 to a spouse who is externally motivated
14:31 or vice versa or with your children?
14:33 At work how do you successfully manage
14:38 the differences between you and the other person?
14:41 Well, I think there is two things.
14:43 One is having knowledge, in The Ten-Minute Marriage,
14:45 we talked about understanding this.
14:47 And I actually encourage couples to like memorize
14:50 these lists so they can go oh, okay, this is what goes on.
14:55 Secondly, you know, I could talk about scripture.
14:57 Try to deal with someone peaceably
14:59 if you can't do that with out genuine respect.
15:02 See I have learnt to respect my wife.
15:04 Let me tell you, when we first got married
15:05 its kind of difficult because I would have ideas all the time.
15:09 You know, written 20 books
15:10 and some ideas are okay, okay, but I have these ideas
15:13 all the time, okay and Lisa
15:15 would have a way I called the ooze.
15:17 She would shoot my ideas full of holes all the time.
15:21 And for the first couple of years of marriage,
15:23 I would get mad about that.
15:25 It's always negative and you know,
15:27 blah-blah-blah, I would really
15:28 kind of attack her strength.
15:30 See I didn't realize her seeing
15:32 the consequences was a strength.
15:34 Right. I saw that as a weakness
15:36 because it didn't fit my particular motivation style.
15:39 And you think totally different.
15:41 Yeah, and so it took me
15:43 a while to realize that God's gift to me was Lisa and her gift
15:46 to me is this ability to see all the things at a wrong.
15:49 So now, I have learned to present
15:52 my idea to Lisa, let her think about it,
15:55 should all the full she wants it and then go fix the holes
15:59 and then the idea actually works.
16:01 Well that's good.
16:02 You see what I am saying? So, yes, that's--
16:04 That's respecting who she is.
16:06 And that when you respect who she is you are looking
16:08 at the strength of what she brings.
16:12 And run through that for just a second.
16:14 What are some of the strengths
16:15 for the externally motivated person?
16:18 You get Perseverance one.
16:20 No, no, no that's internal,
16:21 okay, so thinking of the consequences is one.
16:24 God bless your strength, sure. All right, what are some other?
16:26 Whether they are moral right or wrong
16:28 this is really your strength.
16:29 You know, like if you're a Christian
16:30 and you are driving down the street and you are thinking,
16:32 you know, that's a nice piece of real estate.
16:33 You know, what you go there
16:34 and if something that be told appropriate
16:36 because you're internally motivated you think it would do,
16:38 good there even though its wrong
16:39 to have that have that kind of business.
16:41 You know I'm saying were the externally motivated person
16:43 never even think about that because
16:45 it's wrong to start with.
16:47 So, I go J. D. use to tell me when we first married
16:51 that I am either black or white,
16:53 I don't walk in a gray area.
16:56 That be more external of it.
16:57 That's defiantly right or wrong.
16:58 They don't have relative thinking.
17:01 Okay. You know, they don't pay
17:02 their taxes late. You know,
17:04 I don't mean to keep it planning two months or so.
17:05 They pay them on date.
17:07 I don't mean to keep planning these to myself
17:08 but as everybody out there is doing,
17:10 we are trying to figure out who we are.
17:11 I can see myself in both, is that something
17:14 that--I mean-- Don't be real actually.
17:17 All right. Yeah, usually, usually
17:19 you are going to bend more towards one or the other.
17:22 Now, your spouse may temper
17:24 that as well because like with me,
17:26 I don't rely on my strength to think few things like that.
17:29 I'll say for me I know Lisa
17:31 is gonna think for something any way.
17:33 So I will say to her that's okay,
17:34 now we have to make this decision by Friday.
17:37 Okay, today is Monday here is the information,
17:42 now, on Friday we are going to make a decision okay.
17:46 So you give her time to process. So I give you five days
17:48 So you give her a dead line.
17:50 Right, because if I don't give
17:51 a dead line, it won't happen.
17:52 Okay, so, I give a deadline say okay,
17:55 we are gonna take on this Friday so whatever you have
17:57 to bring to the table on Friday
17:58 we are going to make this decision.
17:59 So bring it to the table or walk through that.
18:01 So, I honor that she has to need to think
18:04 two things and she is to honor that we need
18:06 to eventually make a decision.
18:08 Now, that's with spouse.
18:09 With your child because you have
18:11 one that's externally motivated.
18:13 The weakness of the externally motivated child
18:17 is that they are probably not gonna make many decisions
18:20 if you don't tell them do it they are not gonna
18:21 take the initiative to do it on their own.
18:23 Right, so do have to kind of say,
18:25 okay this is kind of-- these are the options
18:27 for the summer what do you want to do here, okay.
18:30 And they are kind of like, well I need to think about it.
18:32 Okay, you can think about it until tomorrow ad tomorrow
18:34 I want you to tell me what you want to do.
18:36 So it's basically with the external motivated person
18:39 you need to give them that deadline
18:41 they need that frame of work.
18:42 It really helps because otherwise
18:44 they will be thinking about it and you know,
18:45 three weeks will go by.
18:47 All right. Do you see what I am saying?
18:48 So thus help to have a deadline for that.
18:50 Okay, now, with the internally
18:51 motivated person, like a child, okay.
18:53 Like if I say to my externally motivated child.
18:56 Hey, lets go to Blank Restaurant tonight to go eat.
19:00 They go oh, that's great.
19:02 Okay now with my internally motivated child
19:04 I have to her, listen, why don't you give me
19:08 three restaurants you would like to go
19:11 and I get to pick which one. All right.
19:14 So all three were her idea so I knew them are fine,
19:17 but I still get to pick because I'm paying the bill.
19:20 So you see what I'm saying?
19:21 And so, but she is fine with that.
19:23 Now if I told her, listen, let's to x restaurant.
19:25 Even if it was the same restaurant
19:27 she would have picked, she will be mad
19:29 the whole time at the restaurant because
19:31 she didn't have any say in the restaurant.
19:33 Well, that's interesting.
19:34 You know, you can see
19:36 it as you are speaking I can see in our staff--
19:40 Oh, sure. Thinking of friends,
19:42 that I'm recognizing some things
19:45 now in the way--the way in which people operate.
19:47 Right, so this helps you, it helps you in your life
19:50 in general but if you understand that you are married,
19:51 see we are talking about marriage
19:53 it really helps to manage because if you,
19:55 like suppose you think you are 'I' and because your 'I'
19:58 you know, you are the ideal person.
19:59 You are not, okay.
20:00 But what happens is you will try
20:01 to make-- your spouse make
20:02 really fast decisions, don't frustrate them
20:04 their whole life, okay, or if you are E
20:08 and you keep trying to put the decisions of.
20:09 Now tell us what the 'I' and 'E' are some people?
20:11 Internally motivated, externally motivated.
20:13 Okay. Right, if you are an externally
20:14 motivated person and you are trying to get your spouse
20:16 to not make decision you are going to put
20:19 them through the sealing.
20:22 I'm saying because they have to make a decision.
20:24 It's almost, its almost, you know, we got to get this.
20:26 Check off the box. Right
20:28 Okay, and if you keep putting
20:29 that box off and off and off
20:31 they are going to get really marry you.
20:33 So give us some examples from when you have been
20:35 and you are time of counseling have
20:38 you had--had a couples who once they recognize
20:42 that they start learning to work
20:44 with it but then as Christians we are to gain some balance.
20:48 Yeah. So is there a way
20:50 that if you are 'I' you are internally motivated
20:53 and you are an idea person
20:54 and you are just Entrepreneur are I's I'm sure.
20:58 Yeah, almost always.
20:59 And typically what they want to do is they got the idea
21:02 They want to start something. You want to start something
21:03 but they don't want to finish it.
21:04 They don't know how to manage it.
21:05 They don't want to manage it.
21:06 So, they birth but they don't raise.
21:08 Okay, so those are I's.
21:10 Right, so that you need
21:11 to--that's again as an I you surround
21:13 yourself by E's and you will be successful entrepreneur.
21:15 All right. The smartest entrepreneur
21:17 is someone who knows to birth the idea it takes them.
21:22 Then to get a manager or to that are E's
21:25 and give the vision for the idea and then they will manage it.
21:30 You know, what I am saying?
21:32 So it's kind of like the I give the idea,
21:34 the E's manage it and actually happens.
21:36 Either one with out the other one doesn't work.
21:38 Because E's won't think of the idea,
21:40 okay and I's can't actually get it done long term.
21:43 All right, and so it is--
21:45 So it's kind of like a male, female thing,
21:47 you need each other to make this work.
21:48 Now the thing is it's not gender.
21:50 Men are not always I's and woman are not always E's.
21:54 That's true. Okay, and so especially
21:55 like they-- actually one of the couples
21:57 that really brought this to life to me was,
21:59 it was a woman who is very successful woman,
22:01 I mean multimillionaire, ideal going,
22:03 just--you know wakes up at 5 goes to bed at 12.
22:06 I mean bang, bang, bang, runs
22:08 a couple of companies and this kind of stuff.
22:10 And she marry this guy, okay, who was totally I mean like--
22:15 Totally externally motivated. Totally externally
22:16 motivated I mean if he wasn't been
22:19 told what to do, this was kind of and she was getting
22:21 so mad at him because he never came up with ideas,
22:24 he never really, you know contributed
22:27 in the way she wished he would.
22:29 And she thought well, he is just not a man
22:31 because he was a man he would take up
22:33 by the bull horns and he just run this thing.
22:35 You know, but see she had no idea
22:37 and so I explain this to her.
22:38 I said, listen there is nothing wrong with your husband,
22:40 he is wonderful the way he is.
22:42 He is externally motivated.
22:43 He is never gonna be you.
22:47 And you can accept that or you can't shame him for it.
22:50 And it helped to her to kind of put in the context to go,
22:53 okay so he helps you with your strengths,
22:56 and you need to accept his strength
22:58 and not try to make him like you.
23:00 Because again if you're trying to make him
23:01 like you that's not a good thing.
23:03 So Doug, when you have-- I can see where there
23:06 will be a lot of benefits like between you and Lisa.
23:09 Oh we are great team.
23:10 That's makes an excellent team.
23:12 What happens though if you get two I's who are married?
23:15 Two people who are both internally motivated.
23:17 They both have staffs.
23:18 They have to have a staff.
23:20 They both have staff, if they do they gonna do great.
23:22 You know, if each one has a secretary
23:24 or someone help them with the children and they run great.
23:27 But they usually have support people.
23:29 But in the marriage let's say that we got two people
23:32 out here that are watching right now and they both recognize
23:35 that we are both internally motivated,
23:37 we make risky decisions.
23:39 Oh, yeah, yeah.
23:40 How do-- how do they begin to curb
23:43 one another if they recognize they both are I's?
23:44 Yeah, usually it takes them to 40 to 50 to start doing that,
23:46 because they have to make enough mistakes
23:48 to realize they can't trust her on decision making.
23:49 All right. And then what you do
23:51 is just surround yourself by people
23:52 who are E's like accounts or financial people
23:55 are the people like that.
23:56 And you let them help to make that decision.
23:57 Okay, and then if you got two-- say we have a young couple
24:01 watching us or they may not be young,
24:03 may be they are older couple now and they both
24:06 externally motivated and they are realizing.
24:08 That turns to be a little easier because they both
24:12 go to the same church through 50 years,
24:14 they both go to the, you know,
24:15 they both have the same job for 40 years and life seems
24:18 to have a certain pattern, and there is not
24:20 a lot of conflict. How do they get
24:21 to the decision making? But they don't--well,
24:23 they don't necessarily have to make lot of hard decisions.
24:25 They set their life up so they don't.
24:27 Okay, okay. You know so, so unless,
24:30 unless there is something that's creating a crises
24:32 that's creating fast decisions and stuff like that.
24:34 Now what unfortunately happens to this poor couple
24:37 is they tend to birth at least one internally motivated child.
24:42 And then the challenge begins.
24:43 Then they are gonna like we don't know
24:45 what we are doing here, okay.
24:46 And so but other than that you know,
24:48 suppose you got two engineers,
24:50 you know, and they both externally motivated
24:52 they both have the same career for years,
24:54 they raise externally motivated kids.
24:56 This is gonna be no harm that there is not a lot of conflict,
24:59 but there is not a lot of change,
25:01 not a lot of risk, there's not a lot of innovation, you know.
25:04 So there is some weakness but not necessarily weakness
25:07 that would be experienced by anybody in the system.
25:09 Okay. So once you recognize these they're always
25:14 to learn to just appreciate the difference.
25:17 Yes. And as we said-- Oh, actually capitalize on it.
25:19 Capitalize, I like that.
25:21 See I capitalize on Lisa's strengths.
25:23 Her strength to see consequences
25:24 I've going to capitalize.
25:26 Her strength to see right or wrong,
25:27 I have capitalize on.
25:29 I'm saying her strength that process through things
25:31 I've capitalized on, okay.
25:33 So I have learned to capitalize on those strengths
25:35 because they are strengths to me.
25:36 And what are your strengths as an I?
25:37 Because they are not my reflective strength.
25:40 Has she learned to appreciate
25:42 your strengths as an I Internally motivated?
25:43 She is growing to, she is growing to.
25:45 What are the strengths of the I?
25:47 Being able to make a decision,
25:48 being able to make fast decision,
25:50 being on the process information quickly.
25:51 So she has learned that that's a gift
25:53 and that at times she appreciates it.
25:55 Its harder for her because you know for her
25:58 to appreciate mine is like she has to come out
26:00 of that safe box and I'm like over here,
26:04 let's fly, let's have a good time,
26:05 let's go and she is like, well, can we think about this first.
26:09 I'm like you can think about having fun,
26:11 just up jump on the four wheeler and let's go, girl, you know.
26:14 And so, so she learned to kind of be fluid.
26:19 And in that yes, she is accepted
26:21 it but she is still doesn't have like this really
26:23 great appreciation for how much pain I bring
26:25 to her because of the okay, lets go out of the box.
26:28 You know I'm saying?
26:29 Now, one quick question we only have a minute left.
26:31 What's in my mind right now is ten circumstances influence.
26:35 Let's say that you are born in I but you are in a really
26:37 dysfunctional home.
26:38 Can you live like as an E, an externally motivated
26:42 person just to try to calm things?
26:44 Try to survive things, sure you could do that.
26:45 Yes, so there is this--
26:46 You should adopt, if you have to adapt
26:47 in your family system you will make those augmentations.
26:50 Okay, like if you are
26:52 an I and you are raised by two E's.
26:54 They just tell you, you do things
26:55 that's the right thing to do.
26:57 All right, don't be creative,
26:59 don't try, don't risk, you might actually run
27:02 that message so deeply you could alter
27:04 who you are or vise versa.
27:06 Or as you, as then as you grow older
27:08 you may find that you gone through some changes.
27:10 This is really interesting stuff.
27:12 Yes. I wish we had more time
27:13 to talk about that but I think that you really given
27:15 something people to tune on and thank you,
27:18 so much for coming today.
27:19 You are welcome.
27:21 We are so glad that you joined us today,
27:23 and hope that may be you have recognized
27:24 whether you are an I or an E.
27:26 This is something that I think
27:28 is important in-- to understand
27:31 and to appreciate the difference of your spouse
27:34 and learn to play to one another strengths.
27:36 And as Dr. Weiss has told us we also need to learn
27:40 to be more balanced when we recognize our weaknesses.
27:43 We thank you, so much for joining us.
27:45 Remember what Paul said, "If possible,
27:47 as far as it depends on you,
27:49 learn to live at peace with everyone."
27:51 Particularly your spouse. Bye, bye.