Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000349
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:31 And welcome again to "Issues and Answers."
00:33 We're so glad that you can join us today
00:36 and we're talking about something
00:37 I think is very interesting.
00:39 Something you may not have thought off.
00:41 And that is that every marriage
00:43 has some type of government set up.
00:47 And you know, God is a God of systems,
00:50 he's a God of order.
00:51 In fact in 1 Corinthians 14:33, the Bible says,
00:55 Paul wrote and he says, For He is not a God of confusion
01:00 and disorder but of peace and order."
01:03 So your government in the marriage,
01:07 how the husband and the wife relate to one another
01:10 maybe something that it just happened by osmosis
01:13 or it maybe by design.
01:14 But here today to talk to us
01:16 about the healthiest type of marriage,
01:19 returning again is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
01:22 Feels good to be here.
01:23 I'm so glad that you're back.
01:25 Thank you very much.
01:26 Now you are the author of 20 books. Yes, ma'am.
01:29 And a lot of your books have to do with marriage
01:32 and what are some of the other things
01:34 that you're kind of an expo--
01:36 What we do, you know, men's issues
01:37 we do a lot with recovery because we have a lot of
01:39 you know, recovery background,
01:40 we specialize in addictions and so.
01:42 We do a lot of writing in that area as well.
01:44 And we is Heart to Heart?
01:46 Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, yes, ma'am.
01:48 And so you are a licensed psychologist.
01:51 Licensed psychologist. Yes ma'am.
01:52 You also have a degree and couple of bible degrees.
01:54 I have four degrees. You got more degrees.
01:56 Just for fun. Right. All right.
01:58 And you have written a book
02:00 that we're going to talk about today is
02:02 "The Ten Minute Marriage Principle."
02:03 And these are just quick daily steps
02:05 for the refreshing your relationship.
02:08 But in specific we want to talk about the types of government,
02:12 there are several different types of governments.
02:14 Yes. Yes, there are.
02:15 Well, first talk about how many marriages are structured.
02:18 Okay, especially in the western culture
02:20 and now in some other cultures,
02:21 you know, they pretty much have just, you know,
02:23 the man is less than God but just sort of.
02:26 Okay, but in western cultures, so we have democracy,
02:28 women have value and they have significance in quality
02:31 so they think when they're married
02:32 they are actually married into a democracy.
02:34 Where they can be heard and listen to,
02:36 they get to vote and all that kind of stuff, right.
02:39 But the men still in our cultures
02:40 lot of men who think they are monarchs.
02:43 So I'm saying even Christ ma'am Yeah.
02:45 I'm going to rule over you.
02:47 And they love to use that equations quite a bit,
02:50 wives be submissive to your husbands.
02:52 Yeah, they don't like those mutual in some of the verses.
02:54 And they don't like that
02:55 there's no male and female in Christ Jesus verses.
02:57 But they do like to adverse. Yes. Yeah.
02:59 And but Jesus is a servant head.
03:01 If men become servant heads,
03:03 then that picture is really helpful.
03:05 If they become mold over heads then they've got a problem
03:07 with the Lord of with their life anyways,
03:09 so we're not getting into that.
03:11 People like to discuss that theology.
03:12 And I like theology but in practice what happens is
03:15 often times one person thinks he's the king or queen
03:18 and the other person has a different idea of government.
03:19 Now you can see those two systems don't work.
03:21 Right. Okay.
03:23 And so what happens is often times the couple will devolve
03:27 into a chaotic government or someone's may be the monarch
03:31 and the other person wants to be the monarch for the day.
03:34 And then it kind of keep doing this thing,
03:35 you know what I'm saying.
03:36 And nothing is really getting done in that kind of government
03:38 except constantly overthrowing the other person.
03:40 And that's-- And that does not reflected what you describe.
03:43 And that is. It is not.
03:45 Yeah, that is disorder, there is no peace.
03:47 There is a lot of anger going on and a lot of bickering
03:51 and one-upmanship
03:53 and a struggle for power within marriage.
03:55 Yeah, what you described are classic symptoms of someone
03:57 who have, who has never sat down with their spouse
03:59 and said, okay, what kind of government are we.
04:01 When I do a conference I'll say, okay,
04:04 you all sometimes you might text this to all, you know.
04:06 I say, how many of you all, okay, have a government?
04:12 They all do, they just don't know.
04:13 Oh, they all have it but they don't know what it is.
04:15 What is a government?
04:16 They don't have a clue, and they will give me like
04:17 we'd say in Texas like a coward and you gaze.
04:20 Yeah. What does that mean?
04:21 A government, and I thought
04:22 maybe we're just manipulate him or her.
04:26 And so God isn't into manipulation.
04:28 He never uses it, never wants us to use it,
04:30 it's not reflective of who he is and his nature.
04:32 Right. Okay.
04:33 His nature is peace and order.
04:36 So just get me the outline, let's before we go into
04:40 the specifics of each type of government.
04:43 What types of governments are there?
04:44 There's the monarch.
04:45 Yeah, the monarch government basically is there is one person
04:48 who lords over the other person.
04:50 You've got a king or queen,
04:51 depending on the gender of that monarch.
04:53 And the other person is the servant
04:55 who carries out the orders of the king or queen.
04:56 Okay, and that can be king or queen.
04:58 Sometimes the queen withholds things
05:00 so that the other person is what they want.
05:02 Right. So that's one type.
05:03 You know that's one type of government.
05:05 The second type is-- The second type is theocracy.
05:08 Basically what people through the governments of time,
05:10 before time there was-- there was,
05:12 is and always will be a Government with trinity.
05:14 We have no word for that really.
05:17 Three equal beings who operate interdependently
05:19 and confer with one another with absolute respect for each other.
05:23 In the world we don't have that system
05:25 so we have these.
05:26 At first it was Tower of Babel which was monarchy
05:29 and after monarchy, you know, because the people went--
05:31 children and people went to Egypt they were under monarch
05:34 because they thought he was God, I mean,
05:35 so that's a monarch for sure.
05:37 Okay then God take them out of the monarchy
05:40 and moves him into a theocracy.
05:43 Where there is no King.
05:45 There are 12 guys in the room
05:46 who fragmentally see and hear God.
05:52 And I tried to put this together to get
05:54 what God's really saying between the 12 of them.
05:57 And then they kind of go with what God is saying,
05:59 threw them all as a group, kind of like aiming okay,
06:03 that's our best example where there is no leader.
06:06 So in a marriage that has a theocracy
06:10 as the government style
06:12 that would be like the idea of the triangle
06:15 where you're seeking God, the closer you both get to God,
06:19 closer you're getting to each other.
06:20 Another thing is that, that's part of it,
06:22 but the other thing is that.
06:23 Now honestly most Christian couples
06:24 are not mature enough to have theocracy.
06:26 That's why you are seeking the will of Lord in your both--
06:28 Because you have to understand that God speaks to your spouse
06:31 differently than you do for different giftings.
06:33 And God is able to speak through your spouse,
06:36 through those different giftings. Right.
06:38 And that you don't own all the truth.
06:42 So you have to seek together the fragments that she has,
06:45 the fragments that he has
06:47 and put them together on a table
06:48 and ask God to just turn what's been going on here.
06:51 You know, both have lot of humility not to be God.
06:54 Amen. Not to think it's you.
06:56 So sometimes I hook up with worse to get too much equations
06:58 but often times that's frustrating
07:00 because one person wants to be God
07:01 that throws you back into monarchy.
07:05 You see what saying.
07:06 One with religious overtones but still it's monarchy.
07:08 Oh, I'm here from God you also follow me.
07:10 Okay, great.
07:12 And I'm not sure that's the best model.
07:14 So anyway, so theocracy is a government
07:16 and it did work for short period of time
07:18 but then they want to be back like the other cultures
07:20 and so that's a monarchy.
07:21 Remember they went back and they wanted the king--
07:23 Okay, so they got Saul, David etcetera, okay.
07:25 Then as you move to time in 1776, 1776, yeah,
07:30 there was a new government establish
07:31 that's called the democracy.
07:33 People have equal value, people are to be heard.
07:36 And they're to vote on and stuff.
07:38 So now that's system you go on everything.
07:40 Okay, that can get kind of wearisome,
07:42 you know, we live in democracy.
07:43 It can be very combustive at times, okay.
07:46 Then there's a government that have flawed
07:48 about the industrial revolution, okay which is a corporation.
07:51 Corporations operate differently.
07:54 They set a VP's of A, B, C, D, E, okay.
07:57 And then there's the board, okay,
07:59 and there is a president and in our case,
08:01 used to be President but you get the VP
08:03 who does these things in the household,
08:04 they manage these things, the VP over here who does these things.
08:07 And they don't have to obey each other,
08:09 they can consult one another
08:10 but they aren't to obey each other.
08:12 So one maybe that in the marriage
08:14 one maybe the VP of-- The garden.
08:17 You see the VP of the garden.
08:18 And so I'm the VP of the garden
08:19 and I would ask my wife you know, I'm the VP though,
08:22 I make final decision, I'm the VP of the garden.
08:24 I say, you know, I'm thinking about potatoes or tomatoes.
08:26 See as well potatoes will probably be good
08:28 and I'm thinking about, I decide tomatoes.
08:30 See I'm not, in disobedience of her
08:33 because she's not the VP of that area,
08:35 she's only consultant.
08:37 And I decide not to take that consultant's advice.
08:39 All right. You see what I'm saying.
08:41 This is fun, isn't it?
08:42 And she may say I'm VP of decorating the house.
08:45 That's it, whatever,
08:46 but you agree on it first in writing, well, who is what?
08:48 All right. Okay, and then there's the board issues.
08:50 Okay, like where we live? What church we go to?
08:53 Where the kids go to school?
08:55 You know expenses over x amount.
08:56 Those are board issues.
08:58 So now the VP has to come to the board meeting together
09:01 as equals and say, okay, we need to hash this out.
09:04 Now if they can't hash it out, they can bring a third person
09:06 to the board and work that out.
09:08 Like suppose it's the financial issue,
09:09 they can make their accountant, the third person on the board.
09:12 Okay. Did that make sense?
09:13 Hm-hmm. It does. Whatever the accountant says,
09:15 it's kind of where we're going to go. Okay.
09:17 And so those are the different forms of government, okay.
09:20 And what do you see typically with immature people
09:25 you probably looking at this monarchy?
09:28 We've got people who are vying for the power and control.
09:32 But then as people grow in spiritual,
09:35 in their relationship with the God,
09:37 in relationship with one another,
09:39 is there type of a transition we've got two immature people
09:43 coming together and they are vying for this.
09:46 You know, really 'cause sometimes we get this stuff
09:47 from our family of origin.
09:48 And we think whatever our dad and mom did
09:50 was the way it should be, okay.
09:51 And honestly God uses every form of government we just discussed.
09:56 So you're not saying that
09:57 one is more healthy than the one other?
10:00 Well, if you're married to an American woman
10:01 you'll have a hard time sowing monarchy.
10:04 There are cultures where God,
10:06 ministerial gods and they can get away with that.
10:07 But in western culture it's kind of a tough so. Okay.
10:10 But God is monarchy, okay, he use kings
10:14 and he used kings throughout history,
10:15 secular and the Israel kings, okay.
10:19 God uses theocracy
10:20 when He gets the opportunity to be in that position.
10:23 God uses democracy
10:25 and has used democracy throughout the world since 1776.
10:29 Okay, he uses corporations to a place where the coke is,
10:32 where Jesus isn't.
10:34 Well, what is? Coke, you know the soda.
10:38 It's in places where the gospel hasn't been preached yet.
10:40 I see what you're saying.
10:41 Same say God he can use a corporation
10:43 to make a hedge way into a culture.
10:47 You see what I'm saying. I think I do.
10:49 God do, what I'm saying, is God uses all those element.
10:52 So you're gonna-- some Christians want to do
10:54 right and wrong on this.
10:56 One is bad, one is good.
10:57 What you're saying is just
10:58 whatever really works as long as-- Yeah.
11:00 So you have to be in agreement
11:01 on which one you're going to set up.
11:02 All right. Okay.
11:03 Now I would suggest you consult the Lord in that process.
11:08 Okay, but you two have to decide how--
11:10 if you don't decide how you decide
11:12 you set up a structure for the enemy to create chaos.
11:17 So as you said I'm thinking now.
11:20 I think I'm beginning to catch on to this thing.
11:23 There is a couple that we know
11:25 a precious couple from Pakistan.
11:27 And it is more of from the cultural sense.
11:31 monarchy. It's a monarchy.
11:32 It's more that the wife looks to the husband
11:34 to make all of the decisions and she has no problem with that.
11:38 But as you said in the western culture
11:41 many woman would have a problem with that.
11:42 Well, the culture is where Christianity has been
11:45 buried and grounded and grown.
11:47 In the Western culture woman have the equal worth as men.
11:50 And in areas of world where the gospel has not taken
11:53 grown women are not equal to men.
11:56 And this couple happens to be very precious Christians.
11:59 I'm saying in culture, that's the way they do it.
12:01 They--that's what they do-- So as the culture
12:03 they decided that monarchy is the way marriage works.
12:05 So in your Ten Minutes Marriage Principle,
12:10 how did people sit down and make this agreement.
12:12 Let's decide how we're going to agree
12:16 on what type of government.
12:18 What are the advantages?
12:19 Sometimes I'm sitting, I'm in a conference
12:21 and I'm saying okay, here's the forms of government,
12:22 I draw them all out.
12:24 Okay, which one do you guys want to be?
12:26 All right, we're going to take about 15 minute break
12:27 and by the time you come back I want you to figure this out.
12:30 Because if you can't decide how you decide
12:32 then basically you're going to set up continual chaos,
12:34 arguments, frustration and manipulation.
12:36 It's like this, suppose a guy is married, right.
12:39 And he gets one of these change the world ideas,
12:41 you know how guys are.
12:42 They got to change the world with this great idea
12:44 they just thought of, okay.
12:45 So he comes home to his precious wife
12:48 and he wants to get this idea of kind of pastor
12:50 whatever government they have.
12:51 So he starts off as a monarch.
12:54 We're going to do this, this is the greatest things,
12:55 this is like where we're going to take our savings
12:57 and put it into this, this is going to be great honey.
13:00 Well, then you know she votes up and says
13:01 wait a minute, that's my savings too, right?
13:04 So now he can't pull the monarch card, right?
13:06 So then they both move into democracy,
13:08 okay while-- let me tell you what,
13:10 let me pitch you until I can wear you down to vote,
13:12 yes and then we're in.
13:14 Well, she's not being worn down.
13:16 Well, then he gets a word from God.
13:19 He pulls the theocracy card
13:21 but he pulls it in a monarchy style.
13:23 So what it tells me
13:24 is they don't have a clear sense of government.
13:27 So he can use any form of government
13:29 to try and manipulate his spouse.
13:30 Like I had one guy, a friend of mine,
13:31 he says listen Doug, I read your book,
13:32 he says it's great.
13:33 He says you know I'm really; I'm really democratic
13:35 except when I buy cars,
13:36 when I buy cars I just go buy them.
13:38 I go, well, you're really a monarch,
13:40 you just happen to be benevolent monarch.
13:43 And all, all marriages should of course,
13:48 I mean, if it's a Christian marriage
13:49 we should be seeking the Lord's will even if it's a corporation.
13:53 But when we talk about corporations,
13:55 I like it 'cause when you first said that
13:56 I'm thinking, okay, one's Vice President of finance,
13:59 one's that means they would take--
14:01 Yeah, but finance can be one person
14:03 could be doing investments and the other person
14:04 will be writing, doing balancing check book.
14:06 So they might have different areas where they manage money.
14:09 We're gonna get into money management.
14:11 I hope you're gonna come back with someone I talk about that.
14:13 They would be VP of whatever area that is.
14:14 You see what I'm saying. Right.
14:15 One person might be VP of cars;
14:17 one person might be VP of, you know,
14:19 taking care of the stuff in the house in certain areas.
14:22 So your VP's of different things. Okay.
14:24 What type of marriage do you have?
14:25 What kind of government do you have?
14:27 Yeah, a lot of people I don't never tell
14:29 because what the reason of that is it because
14:31 I don't want to set a standard,
14:32 my government isn't gonna work for every marriage.
14:34 All right. It isn't. Okay, because--
14:37 So personalities and circumstances all of these,
14:41 what you're saying is, I'm getting the gist of this now.
14:44 What you're asking us to do today is just to sit down
14:47 and decide say you've got to have a certain government style,
14:50 it doesn't matter which one of this--
14:51 But you have to have a style?
14:52 But you have to have a style otherwise it's being chaotic.
14:55 So if you're very mature Christians
14:57 and you both hear from the Lord
14:59 you have that intimate relationship with the Lord.
15:01 Then you may be able to really have a theocracy.
15:06 A corporation would be where
15:09 one may be gifted in this area and the other is gifted in that.
15:12 And you're saying okay, let's split this up.
15:14 Right. Honey, you get to you know--
15:16 You can be the Vice President of this.
15:18 I don't need the decision there.
15:20 For example, in our home,
15:21 when it comes to decorating the home that more falls to me,
15:26 yet I always take into consideration
15:29 what he would like and be comfortable.
15:31 So in that situation, you will consult JD.
15:34 Right. Okay.
15:35 But if you're VP you might consult
15:38 but you don't hav to obey.
15:40 If you're in a monarchy you come from a down position
15:42 and say JD, this is what I'm thinking.
15:44 I need you to rubberstamp this so I can serve.
15:48 And so that would tell you what kind of government you're in
15:50 'cause he might say you know what,
15:51 I'd like to paint this, this kind of a peach color
15:53 and put some stone here.
15:55 He is like, no I can't really, I cannot see that, you know.
15:57 And you know it's gonna work.
15:59 So then right there you could tell what government you have.
16:02 Okay. You see what I'm saying.
16:04 And in my government Lisa has equality with me.
16:09 She is made in the image of God; she was equally paid for it.
16:12 The blood of Jesus equally covers her.
16:15 And even though she doesn't have
16:17 the same kind of training I do.
16:19 I have learnt if I honor her,
16:22 God will always get his well. Absolutely.
16:25 You know, and there are times when we're stuck.
16:27 And we sometimes, we'll bring a third person,
16:28 sometimes we'll just be stuck for a little while.
16:30 But we both, God will speak
16:32 and He'll get what He wants us to get.
16:34 And I'm--one thing I'm absolutely committed of
16:37 is God is bigger than my spouse.
16:41 Amen. He's bigger than you. Bigger than me, okay.
16:44 And if He wants something done,
16:46 He will work through us to get it done.
16:49 You see what I'm saying. I do.
16:50 And why you feel other than--
16:54 I don't really know where to go with this thought that
16:57 it's important to see
17:00 or is it important that couples can,
17:03 do they evolve from maybe when they're first married
17:06 in this form of government and they have children.
17:09 Sometimes it's the same government for 50 years.
17:12 But my point and in talking about this is please decide,
17:15 you know, you're sitting at home you're thinking, gosh,
17:18 we don't have a government.
17:19 Okay, what I'm asking you to do is after this show
17:22 or even tape this and sit down with your spouse and say listen,
17:24 how do we really make decisions?
17:26 Who's really bossier? How does this really work?
17:29 So that they can have order.
17:32 What if you can't agree on what type of government they want?
17:35 Then go to your pastor or go to a spiritual matured couple
17:38 or go to someone you trust, go to a counselor.
17:41 But get it resolved because if you don't resolve it
17:43 you will argue a lot more.
17:45 See, the book's called Ten Minute Marriage Principle
17:47 because once you, there's exercises and stuff like that.
17:50 But if you can establish your government,
17:51 you will argue at least 90% less.
17:54 That's good.
17:55 You see what I'm saying.
17:56 So that gives you a lot more years of your life
17:59 to enjoy each other rather than bickering
18:02 because you haven't decided how to decide.
18:05 You see what I'm saying, so once you decide how you decide
18:06 then things are lot smoother.
18:09 Doug, what are some of the reasons, the core reasons
18:12 why people would resist establishing a government.
18:15 Well, this is not always a fun conversation they have,
18:17 Shelley, honestly.
18:19 I do a marriage conference; sometimes this is a kind of
18:20 a tough peace for some people
18:22 especially the monarch control freaks.
18:25 You aren't talking to me.
18:26 Yes, definitely I'm talking to my wife.
18:29 I've been controlling her for 40 years, you know.
18:32 So there are few-- you know the guy.
18:35 Okay, you met him too, right, yeah.
18:39 Had a good friend that was married to one?
18:40 Oh, bless their hearts, okay.
18:43 One of the reasons is control.
18:45 They don't want to share control,
18:46 they want to be in control, they want to be that person.
18:51 The other reason is really fear.
18:52 You know often times I find that's the core reason.
18:54 I'm afraid if I give you any control you're gonna hurt me
18:57 or you're gonna make imperfect choices.
18:59 You know, from newsflash. We all do.
19:01 We're all imperfect. We all make imperfect choices.
19:04 So you might as well share it, okay.
19:07 And thirdly often times there can be either you know,
19:10 past issues like abuse or really just poor modeling.
19:14 You know, mom and dad had this motto
19:16 and that's the way we're gonna do it.
19:18 You know, my dad ruled the house or my mom ruled the house
19:20 and that's the way we're gonna do marriage.
19:22 I'm gonna rule the house. Well, that's poor modeling.
19:25 And so sometimes you go intense, think okay,
19:27 well, that's the model I saw and I think that's the way
19:29 it's supposed to be, and you assume that's right.
19:31 Okay and it may not be
19:33 because you're in the kingdom of God
19:35 and kingdom is done differently than sometimes
19:37 the way our parents in their relationships.
19:40 I think God definitely as we started off God wants order.
19:45 So, if we can identify these reasons and overcome them.
19:50 How do we take that set to overcome the reasons
19:53 to agree and how do we formalize and say
19:56 this is really what we want to be doing
19:59 with both the creations. Sure, sure.
20:01 Step one, you might need to process some feelings about
20:03 you know, losing control and not, not--you know,
20:05 being able to manipulate each other any more.
20:06 And all of those fun fights you've had.
20:08 I mean what we gonna do to entertain the kids now.
20:11 So you may have some loses along the way.
20:15 But once you get through those loses
20:16 sitting down with a piece of paper
20:18 and just walking through,
20:19 kind of walk through each one of these.
20:20 What do we really want to do?
20:22 And take a night or two and pray about it,
20:24 think about it if you need to.
20:25 Mostly we're gonna make this decision in 10 minutes.
20:26 They just have yet to have made it 'cause they didn't--
20:28 they never saw that they have the government.
20:31 It's a thing that's been operating in their life
20:32 but they never had a language for,
20:34 never actually sat down.
20:35 So wait a minute we're government,
20:36 governing here and we're a mess.
20:38 Let's get an agreement becuase
20:39 how could two walk together must be what?
20:41 Agree. Right.
20:43 You see what I'm saying. Right.
20:44 So what we're trying to do is get them into agreement
20:47 so they can function better in their kingdom.
20:49 Where no one feels like a great powerful sinner,
20:51 and God have to send argue with your spouse all night.
20:54 And you don't need to have those
20:55 if you had got a better government,
20:56 you have less of those, okay.
20:58 So once you get passed the losses
21:00 and all that kind of stuff,
21:01 you sit down with piece of paper and write it out.
21:02 You know, on x date of x year,
21:06 this marriage before the living God
21:08 and the state of whatever they reign
21:10 or the country whatever they are in.
21:11 As you know, verify, solidify or agree
21:15 on this form of government from this day forward.
21:18 And you write on a piece of paper
21:19 and you both sign it.
21:21 You know this sounds so foreign to the way, I mean,
21:23 I know there's gonna be someone out there
21:25 that's going, you got to be kidding;
21:26 you want me to sit down and write out this agreement
21:28 with my husband or my wife.
21:29 The reason why because there's sometimes revolts.
21:32 All right. Okay.
21:33 Like you know-- even in our own country
21:35 where democracy but there is some people
21:37 who really wish we were different.
21:39 If they had their way, they would shred
21:41 some of our documents that we hold
21:42 very important to our democracy.
21:44 Because it keeps them from being in control.
21:46 So let's then go back and say that
21:49 we're gonna assume that this couple has decided.
21:51 Let's be a corporation
21:52 because we feel that's gonna be more fairing.
21:54 I reckon as you're more gifted in this area
21:56 and I'm more gifted.
21:57 So they would sit down and say, okay,
21:59 these are gonna be your areas
22:00 that the ultimate responsibility the accountability,
22:03 you're the Vice President
22:05 and you get the ultimate decision there.
22:07 Doesn't mean that you're not gonna consult me and--
22:10 It doesn't mean you have to.
22:11 But it doesn't mean you have to, okay.
22:14 So then-- And that takes a lot of trust.
22:18 Like if I really trust my wife which I do
22:20 and she does have you know, say about that thing.
22:23 And I say, okay, I trust her.
22:26 I married a competent adult, she's not a child.
22:31 Does anyone ever give like, well, I guess
22:35 I start to ask about finances because I know that
22:37 financial situations really create probably
22:40 one of the greatest problems within marriage.
22:43 That's usually a government decision. All right.
22:46 Because see they haven't learn the government,
22:47 so let's say they're corporation for a moment.
22:49 And in their corporation, corporate papers they make up,
22:52 is like okay, either person can spend more than
22:54 30, 50, 100, 1,000, 5,000, 10,000,
22:57 without consulting the other person.
22:59 So suppose I'm the guardian guy, right?
23:01 And I want to put in new whatever
23:03 and it's gonna cost me $1,500.
23:05 But my government says I can only spend $150
23:07 without consulting the other person in being in an agreement.
23:09 That's not consulting; it has to be an agreement.
23:11 So my desire is to spend $1,500 but I can't
23:13 because my corporation withholds me from doing that.
23:17 And then--but you're not-- But see--
23:19 The ultimate control to one person--
23:21 No, no, you have to agree.
23:22 Now it happens, see now, now suppose I didn't have
23:24 government and I just literally want to go spend the $1,500.
23:30 I go out there and I take my little credit card
23:31 and I charge it up.
23:32 And I got to hang out in a beautiful garden.
23:34 And my spouse is livid because I put this into more debt.
23:39 So now I created a situation where we have no government.
23:42 I do whatever I want to do.
23:43 It causes pain in my relationship and marriage.
23:45 And so what happens in marriage,
23:47 you talk about finance being a problem in marriage,
23:48 it's not the finances, it's the lack of government
23:50 that controls those finances.
23:53 You know, as you're talking about so many things
23:55 since you've been here.
23:57 I realize that a lot of what we do in our marriage
24:01 is unwritten rules but from the very beginning
24:04 I mean it's like I've never spent,
24:06 I may spend up to a 100 bucks
24:08 but I've never spent more than a $100
24:09 without going and consulting it with JD.
24:13 So there are just some things that healthy people do naturally
24:18 but there's a lot of people who just have not
24:21 created boundaries in their marriage for--
24:24 Especially for you know,
24:26 for people that are in my generation,
24:27 you know, I'm 46-years-old.
24:28 And you know, growing up--60's,
24:30 I'm just a baby right.
24:31 And so what happened is our parents were the 60 people.
24:35 Do what you want to do, if it feels good do them.
24:37 Love the one you're with and all that emotional nonsense.
24:40 Okay, that moved America from
24:41 principle based to emotionally based,
24:43 we do feel now we're the one's who are right.
24:45 That's good. You see what I'm saying.
24:47 And so now we have marriages based on
24:49 doing what they feel like doing,
24:50 instead of what's right there.
24:51 No government there,
24:53 no control so they create a debt,
24:54 they create a financial stress in a relationship
24:56 that causes burden because they don't have
24:57 a government that says no to them.
24:58 That's good. You see what I'm saying.
25:00 So the formalizing is sitting around and putting it on paper.
25:04 You put it on paper and if you're corporation
25:05 or democracy or monarch whatever it is,
25:07 you put on paper and make that detail clear enough,
25:10 you both sign it and you know what it is.
25:12 So when someone does something you can say
25:14 wait a minute that is not our charter.
25:16 Our charter is this, go take that back.
25:21 And then the other person has agree by signing this,
25:24 the other person has said, okay,
25:26 I can't be upset with you because
25:28 I have formally agreed with you not to do.
25:31 You can see the peace and order,
25:33 you write and peace and order.
25:35 God is about order and peace.
25:37 If your marriage isn't reflecting order,
25:39 it's not reflecting his very nature.
25:42 His nature is order, that's why God has a kingdom,
25:44 He doesn't have a democracy, okay.
25:46 He has a kingdom that has order and peace.
25:50 Amen. You see what I'm saying.
25:51 So let's go through those four again.
25:53 There's the monarchy.
25:54 That's the monarchy, theocracy,
25:55 democracy and corporation. Okay.
25:58 And we want to do this not--
25:59 we want to do this so that we can live happily ever after.
26:02 And you're saying that the monarchy may not be wrong,
26:05 there may be someone even in the western culture
26:07 who is just I don't want to make decisions, I trust you.
26:10 There is a benefit, there are some people who like,
26:11 you know what, I don't want to be responsible
26:13 for any failures so I'll let you make all the mistakes.
26:17 Okay, great, if you're that kind of personality
26:19 then you just marry someone who likes
26:20 to make decisions and you're good.
26:21 But the most important thing is that
26:23 both spouses agree to this type.
26:26 How can two walk together unless they agree.
26:28 Unless they agree.
26:29 So can you imagine if the enemy has the couples
26:31 not ever deciding on how they agree?
26:35 There is never going to be an agreement.
26:36 Or peace and order.
26:37 No peace and order, if they're not agreeing.
26:39 So then once that happens he has got inroads
26:41 to a lot more arguments and conversations,
26:43 disrespect, disharmony, there's a lot of things.
26:47 You know that you are nothing if not thought provoking
26:51 and you know there are so many things that we take,
26:53 I didn't realize how much we just go into marriage
26:57 and really blessed if it has gone smoothly,
27:00 JD and I have a wonderful marriage.
27:02 We got it accidentally right. We got it.
27:06 I guess so because they-- what you're saying
27:08 is marriage is that come to you in disarray
27:10 and then it got to be fixed.
27:11 And so these are some wonderful principles
27:13 you will come back upright. Yes.
27:14 Thank you so much for being in again today.
27:16 Thank you, ma'am.
27:17 And I hope that you've enjoyed this
27:19 and that you're learning as much as I'm learning.
27:21 And these are some things that we do need to think about
27:24 in our marriage because you know,
27:26 what the devil does the family,
27:28 the marriage is the smallest unit of a church.
27:31 So you can count on that the devil is trying
27:34 to break up that small unit
27:36 because that's how he attacks the church.
27:38 So I want to encourage you to put this into practice
27:42 and decide how-- what kind of government
27:44 you're going to agree on and put it down in writing.
27:48 And may the Lord multiply His mercy,
27:51 love and grace to you always.
27:53 Thank you. Thank you.