Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000347
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:31 And welcome again to Issues and Answers.
00:33 Today we've had a really interesting topic
00:35 and it's one I want you men
00:37 to stay tuned in as well as the women.
00:40 If you are married you need to know
00:42 how to develop a greater intimacy in relationship.
00:46 And one of those ways is through dating.
00:48 And don't turn the channel, guys,
00:49 because you are going to find out
00:51 there's a very Biblical principle here
00:53 and there is a lot of benefit
00:56 in learning to appreciate your wife,
00:58 your spouse on an ongoing basis
01:01 and not taking each other for granted.
01:03 Listen what Paul wrote to the Romans.
01:05 And we're going to apply it to this topic.
01:06 This is Romans 14:19,
01:09 he said, "Let us then definitely aim for
01:13 and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony
01:16 and for mutual upbuilding
01:19 or edification and development of one another."
01:23 If you want a good marriage, it's really pretty simple
01:26 and here to tell us about it today is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
01:31 Doug, thank you so much for coming back.
01:34 Now you are the author of 20 books,
01:37 one in particular that we are taking
01:39 today's topic from is "Intimacy.
01:42 A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships."
01:45 Yes, and we're talking about dating.
01:47 And dating is something that
01:48 a lot of people lose sight of pretty quickly in marriage.
01:51 You know, when you're courting your wife,
01:53 you're courting your husband,
01:54 you spend all those time together,
01:55 you connect, you look under the stars,
01:57 you hangout, at hours and hours a week.
02:00 And then you get married
02:02 and all of a sudden you're too busy for each other.
02:04 Thing starts sliding away.
02:05 If you have kids it even gets worst,
02:06 then you have a dog and it get worsening,
02:08 you now, all of a sudden career starts going.
02:09 And all the sudden dating thing starts fading off.
02:12 Oh yeah, we've dated in 19,
02:14 you know, I remember one client I had in my office and I said
02:16 what was last time you guys dated?
02:18 And she looked at him and he looked at her
02:19 which is always a bad sign when you're counseling somebody.
02:21 And I said how old is you daughter? 17 years.
02:24 No we haven't dated in 17 years.
02:25 I said okay, we stop our session
02:26 right now, it's going to be half hour,
02:28 take the extra money from the session
02:29 and you go on a date, don't come back to my office
02:31 until you date because I can't help you.
02:32 Yeah, so you are answering a question here
02:35 that I wanted to ask
02:36 'cause what makes you qualify to talk about this.
02:39 Now first of all
02:40 you are a Christian counselor? Yes, I am.
02:42 Your business is Heart to Heart Counseling Center.
02:44 I've been counseling people for over 20 years, yes.
02:46 20 years.
02:47 You also had your doctorate in--
02:49 Psychology, masters in marriage and family counseling,
02:51 MD and all that stuff, yes.
02:52 All right, but you also from personal experience,
02:56 this isn't just something that
02:58 you developed only from Scripture
02:59 although it is all Biblical based.
03:01 From personal experience did you know
03:04 from the beginning to keep dating your wife
03:06 or was it something that you had to learn to do yourself?
03:09 Well, for me it's why I dated my wife. All right.
03:13 I mean, that's why I married my wife,
03:15 I married my wife to have a permanent date. Okay.
03:18 You know what I'm saying. But did you?
03:20 Yes, I think we dated almost every week,
03:22 unless I'm out of the country or out of town.
03:24 We dated almost every week
03:25 and we've done that for most of our marriage.
03:29 I mean, our kids expect us to go out.
03:31 They expect that we love each other enough
03:32 that we want to have time together.
03:34 See God wants to be dating,
03:37 He'd like to have little quality time with you too.
03:39 Amen, that's why we believe you pray at the Sabbath--
03:41 Yes, so he is praying us, so HE can date us.
03:44 So he can hangout be with us, play with us, have fun.
03:46 So give us your definition of a date,
03:48 I think you just said that?
03:49 Okay, now let's first,
03:51 let's start with what the date is not.
03:52 Most couples get that side wrong first, okay.
03:56 A date is not any of the following things, okay.
03:59 It is not running errands. Okay.
04:02 It's not hanging at Walmart
04:03 you can take it for a check in, it is not that.
04:06 You can take your kids along for that ride, okay.
04:09 It is not therapy, you don't discuss problems on a date.
04:13 The worst thing you can do is hire babysitter go out,
04:15 you know, drop 50 bucks talk to your spouse right.
04:18 And all you are doing is complaining at each other.
04:20 A date is a complain free zone. Okay.
04:25 Okay, I think you're getting excited, right?
04:26 Yeah, I'm really excited.
04:27 All right, and number three, it is not shopping.
04:30 And all the men say, thank you Jesus.
04:32 Okay, a date is not three hours at the mall
04:34 not buying something, okay.
04:36 Now if both people agree they want to go shopping
04:37 maybe for Christmas or big ticket item
04:39 okay, you can use date occasionally for that.
04:41 But it's unless both people would agree.
04:43 So he can't take her to home depot for three hours
04:45 and she can't take him to the mall
04:47 for three hours and call that fun. Okay. Okay.
04:50 So with those guidelines and a date is the finest
04:52 three or four hours of fun, okay.
04:55 Three or fours hours of fun.
04:57 A lot of couples don't have that fun anymore
04:59 because they've become
05:00 so process oriented in getting the everyday things
05:05 I mean, like you said, 17 years
05:07 these people haven't dated.
05:08 How does someone get back into that?
05:10 You start, before on the calendar
05:12 you say okay, Thursday and it's our date
05:14 or every other Thursday night.
05:16 Once or twice and once a week
05:18 or once every other week is--
05:20 about twice a month is minimum.
05:22 You're saying, oh, Dr. Doug, you don't understand,
05:24 you know, I'm broke we don't have any money and nothing.
05:27 Listen, you find someone who is as poor as you
05:29 or more poor than you and you swap kids.
05:32 I'll take yours one week, you take mine one week
05:34 and we still get to be-- we'll start our date night.
05:36 And both of our marriages will be healthier.
05:39 See if all you do is parent, our work, you will burn out.
05:44 When I walk down the isle before God,
05:47 before the congregation
05:49 I did not say you are so worthless to me,
05:53 I will never spent quality time with you,
05:55 I will avoid you,
05:56 I'll burden you with children and bills,
05:58 but I will not connect to you,
06:00 I will not spend quality time with you before God
06:03 and all these congregation.
06:04 Now then maybe what you actually do,
06:07 but that is not what you promised before God.
06:11 Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.
06:13 But I'm sitting here and I'm getting the impression
06:15 that there is some woman
06:17 some precious saint that's watching
06:18 and she is elbowing her husband saying
06:20 are you listening to this.
06:22 And the man is sitting there going,
06:23 oh, this sounds like work.
06:25 But the Bible the scripture that we opened up with
06:27 when it was talking about
06:29 eagerly pursue things that edify one another. Sure.
06:32 The word edification in the Greek is
06:35 if you're going to look at a literal translation
06:37 in today's language,
06:39 it's to charge up, to build up,
06:41 like you're charging a battery. Absolutely.
06:43 So what you're saying is that for a good marital relationship,
06:47 whether you have children or don't have children.
06:50 There is some childless couples that they work all the time,
06:52 they don't know how to have fun.
06:54 You're saying this isn't necessarily going out
06:57 with the group from church or the group from the office--
06:59 No, no, it's just you and me.
07:00 To you and your spouse going out
07:03 and sharing quality time together.
07:05 And some people, I know there is got to be men
07:08 and even women sitting here thinking,
07:10 what would we even talk about after all these years.
07:12 If we can't talk about our problems and processing,
07:16 how do we have fun with one another?
07:17 Yeah, they need to get the other show
07:19 we did in and we get that and plug it in and watch you
07:21 and I talk about that.
07:23 Dating is recharging, okay. Yes, amen.
07:25 If we serve a God who is a God of a Sabbath.
07:29 Yes, amen.
07:32 And that's our hope, it will recharge in your marriages.
07:33 And if your marriage doesn't reflect a Sabbath,
07:38 it's probably not reflecting God. That's true.
07:41 Your relationship wasn't to just work,
07:44 it was to rest and have fun.
07:47 You have to be playmates not roommates. That's good.
07:51 You know what I'm saying.
07:52 And so that kind of break you take in your marriage
07:56 is should be as held religiously.
07:59 It is in my house, okay.
08:01 Our date night is it's just like going to church,
08:06 you know, it is going to happen sick,
08:08 dead or whatever,
08:09 we say because we have a principle based relationships.
08:12 How legal are those principles.
08:14 And one of the principles of the healthy marriage is dating.
08:16 When a couple comes into my office,
08:18 I'll ask them six to seven questions
08:19 to find out how what their structures are.
08:21 Dating is the first structure,
08:23 because I know if that structure is out of place,
08:25 this couple is not having fun.
08:27 If they don't have any fun,
08:28 they're not going to like each other,
08:29 they don't like each other, have to treat each other
08:30 with respect. You see what I'm saying.
08:33 Do you get much resistance from men?
08:35 I think to me I don't know why--
08:36 Yeah, actually guys like they're fun.
08:39 And I'm going to get you why in a few minutes
08:41 because they get to be in charge
08:42 of some of this down the road,
08:43 so we'll get into that in a few minutes.
08:45 But, you know, without dating
08:46 you're setting your spouse up to be
08:48 a less than parent than they could be.
08:51 You're setting your spouse up to be less fun,
08:54 more deprived, more angry, more frustrate.
08:56 Why would you want to set your spouse up for that.
08:59 If all I do is this all the time,
09:01 I mean, for me I personally get angry
09:03 if our date doesn't workout,
09:05 because I work so I can date. Okay.
09:09 You know what I'm saying? I do, I mean--
09:10 I have a car, so I went on this,
09:12 this is my date night, I want to--
09:13 You are preaching to somebody that needs to hear this.
09:15 I want to date, you know, I married my wife to date her.
09:18 And if something is between me and my wife
09:20 there is going to be a price to pay,
09:22 you know, what I'm saying.
09:23 You know, if I'm internationally traveling
09:25 or we got some other thing that we're going,
09:26 we understand that we'll switch our date
09:27 to another night usually, okay.
09:30 Now suppose that my week is jammed up.
09:32 Now Shelley, you know, how they're just. Absolutely.
09:34 Things add up, people call things happen or leases,
09:37 the kids got this or that
09:38 or somebody wants me to sleepover or whatever
09:40 what can happen is we can look at a week
09:42 and all of a sudden it's like, well, what's going on.
09:44 So what we'll do is instead of,
09:46 you know, saying, oh, well, we can't date,
09:48 we'll say oh, we can date on Monday instead of Friday.
09:53 See this dating is a principle of marriage.
09:56 We are committed to date.
09:57 Let me tell you a very funny story
09:59 and this happened, Hadassah is now 14 my daughter.
10:02 So this happened before she was born,
10:03 so it's over 15 years ago.
10:05 And my wife rather is a saint,
10:07 she is very, she sins so little, it's disgusting, okay.
10:11 So I'm not saying anything bad about her but this one time
10:15 we, she was really mad at me for something
10:18 and honestly Shelley, one of the blessing
10:19 of being a man is you don't remember,
10:22 you don't remember what you did wrong,
10:23 so it's great I don't remember I did wrong.
10:24 But I remember she is really mad at me, okay.
10:27 And so it was our date night
10:29 and she says I'm not dating you,
10:31 I'm not going on date with you.
10:33 I said now Lisa, I said listen,
10:35 I go first of all
10:36 our relationship is not emotionally based,
10:38 it's principle based, okay.
10:39 Now you right now
10:41 are trying to change it to emotionally based,
10:44 so that I have to earn a date with you,
10:45 I have to be good enough for date with you,
10:47 or something like that.
10:49 So I'm going to offer you one more time
10:51 to go on this date with me,
10:53 but I'm going on a date. With you or without you.
10:56 So she says, I'm not going on a date with you,
11:00 I'm mad at you. I go, okay, that's fine.
11:04 So I went on my date, I went to four star restaurant
11:06 'cause she was there telling me what to eat, all right
11:08 and so I went to nice restaurant
11:09 and I went out to a movie, I had a blast,
11:11 I came back about 10 o'clock
11:12 I was happy as I look
11:14 and she has never done it sense
11:16 because she knows I'm committed to a principle
11:19 and it is not emotionally based,
11:21 it's just like prayer, prayers is not something you do
11:22 because you feel like praying, He is worthy of praise,
11:25 and he is worthy of prayer everyday
11:26 whether you feel like it or not.
11:28 So I'm saying God deserves his day too.
11:30 What you're saying, when you're saying,
11:32 it's not emotionally based, but it's principally based--
11:35 principally based. Principally based, right.
11:37 Easy for me to say. I question you it is principle.
11:39 You probably did that today.
11:40 So no matter like washing my face,
11:42 I don't care how late it is
11:44 when I come in, I'm going to wash my face--
11:46 That's a principle, right.
11:47 You know, I've just learned if you want to have nice skin,
11:49 you don't go to bed with junk on your face.
11:51 Or if you want to have a nice marriage,
11:52 you date your spouse.
11:53 All right, will you keep saying that
11:56 this is if you are not that you are, it's like a sin
11:58 the principle, what you based in that principle.
12:01 I can't imagine not dating my wife. So-
12:03 I can imagine how God feels if I don't date my wife.
12:06 He gave me this incredible woman,
12:08 I'm supposed to celebrate her,
12:09 because I'm supposed to have His voice towards her,
12:11 His voice is celebration towards her.
12:14 If I don't have His voice as celebration towards her
12:17 I think He is upset at me. Okay.
12:21 Because I'm not being responsible
12:22 with who He gave me to celebrate.
12:24 So the principle is we can't say we're too broke,
12:27 we can't say we're too busy--
12:28 Well, that's the top excuses, that's an excuse or sin.
12:31 There is a principle
12:33 and the principle is we are dating.
12:35 Let's say that we just decided to do this twice a month
12:37 and we got certain date nights,
12:39 so when it comes to that date night,
12:41 it's like put aside the emotion--
12:44 this is it's like your Sabbath rest with your spouse.
12:48 You are going to reconnect, recharge your battery.
12:51 Who sets these things up, I--
12:53 Both of you. All right.
12:54 Let's talk about like who is responsible
12:56 for dating, okay. Okay.
12:58 Well, you both are.
12:59 And I'll tell you what, Shelley,
13:00 I have a couples who like,
13:02 well, we're just not good at like keeping it going.
13:04 Okay, let's deal with that first.
13:05 Then we'll say who sets it up, okay.
13:07 So if you are not good at keeping it going in your life
13:09 10 years ago we used to do that, 15 years ago,
13:11 I remember when we were 20 honey, okay.
13:14 If that's you, and you're emotionally based what you do.
13:16 You say, okay, listen,
13:17 we're going to set up a date night.
13:18 Now if we don't go on a date,
13:19 we're going to take the same money
13:21 whether it's 20, 40, 60, 100 dollars
13:22 whatever it is depending on your wealth, okay.
13:25 We're going to take that same money
13:26 we either going to burn it
13:27 or we're going to sent to a public organization
13:29 we don't fall for.
13:32 That's radical. Seem same.
13:34 So now I have a consequence for not celebrating you.
13:37 So I most likely get to celebrate you.
13:40 You see what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm a radical counselor.
13:42 We get it done, okay.
13:44 Now if you want to be conservative,
13:46 conservative values is dating your spouse
13:50 and celebrating your spouse, that's a family value.
13:54 So you are talking to someone that frankly
13:56 we get very busy in ministry we haven't--
13:59 Ministry is not supposed to get you away
14:01 from loving each other, connecting each other.
14:02 You see I've even thought about us not dating is being--
14:05 The ministry is dating each other.
14:07 What you do during the day is what God has you do
14:09 but He has never called you to labor
14:10 so hard to cancel a date with your spouse,
14:12 that's not His yoke, His yoke is easy
14:15 and it doesn't lose the priority of people.
14:18 Okay, you are not the only one in ministry
14:20 who has some times gone over the board with this way,
14:23 over the board that way.
14:24 That was probably for like millions of people in ministry.
14:27 I was at a church recently I won't tell you where,
14:29 but the pastor pulls me in his office
14:30 and says listen Doug, he says well, I'm out of balance, man.
14:33 You know, ever since my wife is now on staff,
14:35 and now, you know, I'm on staff
14:37 and ever since she has been on the staff,
14:38 we never see each other in work.
14:39 I go you just have to repent of that pastor.
14:42 And set a night that is your night
14:44 and if you want the staff, no.
14:45 So that's' a sin is what you're saying.
14:47 When you say repent of it we've got to turn around.
14:48 Well, you can only just repent of things like that. Okay.
14:52 You know, I'm saying because you didn't marry to pay bills,
14:56 you didn't marry to do a mortgage,
14:58 you didn't marry to fix the house,
15:00 you didn't marry to just manage children,
15:02 you married to connect.
15:06 And some of this probably have forgotten.
15:07 I know you are saying that rightly.
15:08 Oh yeah, I mean to say--
15:09 You see what happens is, you can lose sight of
15:12 why you're married.
15:13 You are married to engage the soul,
15:16 that you come in as you like to.
15:17 Okay, now lets talk about how it's actually is done,
15:19 because we want to make sure it's fun for everybody.
15:21 Okay, now dating can be really, really fun
15:24 if you use this way of doing, okay.
15:26 So if there is a husband and wife, okay.
15:29 You rotate responsibility for the date.
15:32 Okay, so that he's blameless,
15:34 okay so one week in your marriage
15:36 it would be your date, Shelley,
15:38 100 percent you decide where we go,
15:41 what we do and the object of the date is for you
15:45 to have a good time. Okay.
15:47 And your husband is the happy camper.
15:50 He can't whine and mourn and act like you know
15:52 you know some thing is wrong in his life, okay.
15:54 He needs to celebrate that you are having fun, okay.
15:57 You guys have raised kids or something like that,
15:58 you know this whole scene of you know,
16:00 sitting for hours
16:01 and all that kind of stuff is not fun, all right.
16:03 So you just be happy with the process
16:05 and then finally get your husband's date.
16:07 So if I want to go roller-skating then he--
16:09 He goes roller-skating. He goes for roller-skating.
16:11 And if he wants to play golf,
16:12 you play golf. All right.
16:13 And if he wants to sit on a lake and you know just east pizza.
16:16 If you want to go to this little you know coffee boutique
16:19 and just sit around and play,
16:20 you know, some kind of game you can,
16:22 okay, because it's your date.
16:24 Some of them dates in coffee shop,
16:25 some of them been really kind of nicer things and fun thing.
16:28 We have this variety of dates, you see when it's my date,
16:31 I get to do what I want to do.
16:33 If I want to go to a place and go swimming with my wife
16:36 and hang off for three hours and eat a hot dog,
16:39 we're on my date.
16:41 If she wants to do something,
16:42 she wants to go bike riding we can.
16:44 If she wants to do the movie thing,
16:45 as long as you know legitimate to watch it as a Christian,
16:48 fine, you know, so we rotate back and forth.
16:52 Like this week it is actually her date,
16:56 so I don't have to think about it.
16:58 The only role we have is to check to tell,
17:00 tell the other person to dress appropriately.
17:02 You're not to tell me to take it.
17:04 It's to just make sure you're dressed appropriately.
17:05 You said you sit here right, its where that I am speechless
17:08 but you really have totally caught me off guard
17:11 because I am trying to sit and think
17:13 when is the last time that we went out,
17:15 I am not saying that we never go out to dinner or something
17:18 but, it's usually it's with friends
17:21 and it's, you know, it's ministry.
17:24 There is we have a active social life but--
17:26 It's not dating.
17:27 It's not dating and I am just sitting here and thinking,
17:29 wow, this is a novel concept to think that
17:33 I should be dating my husband.
17:35 And many couples forget to date their spouse.
17:37 Listen, dates what got you in this situation. Right.
17:42 You know, kind of dance with the one who brought you,
17:44 if dating got you married, they even keep you married.
17:47 But when you said that God wants to date us
17:51 He wants to be dated I mean God,
17:54 were you basically--
17:55 We call that devotions,
17:56 You know He wants our time with us.
17:58 But there are sometimes when you see
17:59 like when I get to travel like when I am doing a show like this
18:02 or something like that, I got to travel out of town,
18:03 and I get to stay in a hotel or some place like that--
18:06 that is one of my times when God dates me.
18:09 Like last night, I was hanging out,
18:10 we were just praying and talking,
18:11 he is talking to me, I am taking we have a good time.
18:13 That was a great time, I love those quality times with Him.
18:16 He loves some of that prolong dating time too.
18:19 Not just a little word, here is my little five things
18:20 I got to pray for, thank you Jesus I am out of here.
18:22 Have a good day, that's neat,
18:24 but what He wants really,
18:25 sometimes He wants that quality in connecting with us.
18:29 That's good for both of us.
18:31 What if there is a couple,
18:32 because I hate to even be this vulnerable--
18:35 Let's suppose you had a friend. Let's suppose you had a friend.
18:36 Let's suppose that we have a friend
18:38 that both of them seem comfortable
18:39 not that may be they travel all over the world
18:41 and they are going, going, going so to just be home
18:44 and you know it's kind of like,
18:47 yes, you could have a date at home.
18:48 But let's suppose that-- A date is not a home.
18:52 All right, so you are saying that the couple is in a rut
18:55 if they are not making quality time for one another.
18:59 In my feeling it will be called sin. Wow.
19:01 Yeah, but I am a little hard on that,
19:04 because I mean some people don't date,
19:06 some people don't tithe,
19:07 I meet some people who are not tithing,
19:08 you know, they are in the rut.
19:10 I call not tithing sin.
19:11 So that I can't find a scripture for that,
19:14 so where is my scripture for not dating?
19:15 You show me a scripture where it's okay
19:16 to avoid the love of your life?
19:21 There is not a scripture
19:22 to avoid the love of your life. All right.
19:24 If a woman is wanting to have children with you,
19:26 clean, laundry, serve along side of you,
19:29 she is worthy of a date.
19:32 For a man it's really work,
19:33 you know, if he is working hard all day,
19:35 he is working around the house
19:36 and he is trying to care the kids with you doing homework
19:38 and he is worthy of a day
19:40 and honestly even if they weren't doing all those things,
19:42 if Jesus Christ paid for them with His life,
19:45 they are worthy everyday.
19:47 You know what I am saying? So if we have--
19:50 This isn't legalism, this is opportunity. Right.
19:52 You know, what I'm saying, this isn't like, oh no,
19:54 another things check off my list,
19:55 I have to do, you get to take your spouse,
19:57 you get to date God,
19:59 you get to do these things in a free country.
20:01 Do you know how many people would love
20:02 to have the opportunity to get to date?
20:04 Do you know how many people,
20:05 you know, you're sitting and talking
20:07 to somebody that I'm realizing,
20:09 may be I've forgotten to have to go out
20:10 and have fun, because you can get
20:13 so seriously minded as a Christian
20:15 and everything has such serious consequences.
20:18 We worship the God who loves. That's true.
20:21 We worship the God who is friend.
20:22 You just have to notify anywhere and seek inspiration.
20:25 We worship a God who seems over us with rejoice.
20:26 Rejoice is over us we think so. Yes.
20:28 He is not our problem.
20:30 And if we look like him, we are having fun in life.
20:33 If you're so like, you know, serious and everything like,
20:36 it doesn't exactly look like Jesus,
20:38 that looks like someone took Jesus out of you,
20:40 okay, instead of putting him in you.
20:42 When He is in you,
20:43 the celebration is part of the life.
20:44 So let's get back to the couple
20:46 who said they hadn't had a date for 17 years
20:48 and you say there is no use of me
20:50 even talking to you. Absolutely not.
20:51 Both have a date and come back.
20:52 What happened, what happens when a couple restores
20:56 that to their relationship?
20:57 They like each other more,
20:58 they have more energy to be better parents,
21:00 they have more energy to be better friends,
21:01 they're feeling in big way, they really--
21:03 that lets the window down
21:04 so they can really kind of just chat
21:06 and share their heart and share their dreams, laugh.
21:10 Okay, you need a place to enjoy one another.
21:12 I enjoy Lisa and if we don't--
21:15 whatever reason it gets kind of out of sink,
21:18 I can feel it in my marriage within two weeks.
21:21 You know Lisa when we had our second child,
21:23 she says Doug, I know dating is really important
21:24 but we cannot do that for just a little while,
21:26 while we just had the second child.
21:28 I said well, I'll honor that, that's fine.
21:30 Within a few, probably within six weeks
21:32 we started feeling it, we started getting more nippy
21:34 towards each other and kind off burned out.
21:37 I'm like, you know, what's happening,
21:38 we are not dating.
21:39 There is no escape valve here.
21:43 So we put it back again and then smooth right back out.
21:46 And you know, I am sitting, I know I studied a lot that,
21:50 the men when they look at the reasons
21:54 why women get married or why men get married.
21:56 A lot of woman get married,
21:58 it surprise me the number one reason was financial security,
22:01 that kind of surprised me. That surprised me.
22:02 And love, men-- In that order, right.
22:06 Yeah, they're anticipating love, it did surprise me.
22:10 Most recent survey show that why men get married is sex
22:14 and to have some one a playmate.
22:17 And so-- And after 50 it's even worse.
22:20 So what they are looking for and when we say playmate,
22:22 they are looking for someone
22:23 that would go and do things with them--
22:26 Go play tennis. Go play tennis, go play golf.
22:28 They want a playmate.
22:29 You see what happens is--
22:31 I have seen in my counseling experience in almost 20 years.
22:33 When the kids leave, we're caught been like crisis,
22:36 I think what happens is there is another thing that goes on.
22:38 The wife has become so serious being a mom
22:41 that she has forgotten how to play.
22:43 He has worked so hard and now he can actually have some time
22:46 to play golf or do things or go after some hobbies,
22:49 because that extra $2000 a months
22:51 isn't going towards his children.
22:53 Now he can have it and he wants to do something,
22:55 he wants to play and now he has got a woman who won't play.
22:58 I think what happens is his desire to play
23:01 sometimes stretches him into trouble.
23:04 He will go looking for someone else who would play.
23:07 You see, woman had to understand
23:08 this is a important thing about men,
23:10 they need to play their whole life.
23:12 Men like to work, but the men who work hard, play hard.
23:15 And if you don't want to play,
23:17 he is gonna be tempted to look first for playmate.
23:21 That doesn't make it her responsibility
23:23 but you need to understand, you married a man,
23:25 and a man likes to play.
23:27 What are men made out of dirt?
23:31 They like to play with dirt.
23:33 You get boys together and they come out,
23:35 they're all dirty it's a home coming,
23:37 you know, dirt to dirt man, that's great.
23:39 Okay, man love to play, that's not going to change,
23:42 so you can either join the game
23:43 just like you want him to understand your feelings,
23:46 he wants you to come play.
23:49 This is good and I know this is your counsel.
23:51 If you want him to understand your heart,
23:52 you need to go and play with him.
23:54 So when couples you know,
23:56 the scripture that keeps coming to my mind right now
23:58 is a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.
24:01 And you are right that there is a lot of women
24:04 in particular that become--
24:08 Not fun.
24:09 Not fun not as playful, so men needs to see that--
24:13 woman forget
24:14 especially when they got all of these responsibilities,
24:17 they forget how to be playful.
24:18 It's matter of fact you'll be proud of me.
24:20 Last night was - my husband and I had an experience
24:23 that it was just the two of us and we did play and it was kind,
24:26 I remember he looked at me and he said you are the best.
24:29 And it was interesting
24:30 because he doesn't always get to see a playful side of me
24:33 and I did recognize last night
24:36 that I don't always show him that side.
24:38 So you are saying this--
24:40 You play him once a week, you can do that,
24:41 you can have date.
24:42 He can see a side of you, you can see a side of him
24:44 and you fall in love and you stay in love,
24:45 when you and you, you know,
24:47 when you are, when you are--
24:48 when I was broke, let me put that way
24:50 when I was broke and dead my wife,
24:52 fun was what we have.
24:54 Now that I've got all these resources I should say no,
24:58 I can't have fun with you.
25:00 That seems backwards to me. What is backwards?
25:02 You know if I was broken, I could figure out
25:04 how to have a good time with you,
25:05 certainly with all these resources
25:06 I can have a little fun with you.
25:07 All right, Doug, we got two minutes,
25:09 how do you get people back into the practice of dating?
25:12 Well, it's kind of funny, Shelly,
25:14 because most of the time people are coming to my office
25:16 and they are paying me. Yes.
25:18 Okay, so they are saying we need help
25:20 and we'll do what you say, okay.
25:22 Now you who are watching, you don't have to pay me okay,
25:26 but I am encouraging you to start dating,
25:28 because if you date each other,
25:30 that's one of the building blocks for good marriage.
25:32 If you're not dating, that structure
25:33 will eventually erode some of the even good things
25:36 in your marriage.
25:37 Okay, dating is necessary principle,
25:39 having that Sabbath where it's just you
25:41 and your spouse is important.
25:43 You know what I am saying.
25:45 Yes, I mean I hear what you are saying
25:46 and there is some part of me-- It's resonating, isn't it?
25:49 It's resonating but there is also like
25:51 oh, it feels like this is going to be
25:53 pulling teeth to get back and do the practice.
25:54 Oh, no, no, no, you just start doing, he get fun.
25:57 See desire follows discipline.
25:59 Okay, if you want to-- Repeat that because that--
26:01 Desire follows discipline.
26:03 I love that. Okay.
26:04 Western culture wants desire
26:05 before they get to discipline, okay.
26:07 We want to like to work out before we do.
26:09 No, if you want to really be in shape,
26:11 you got to go through a drudge of six day weeks
26:13 of not liking it and then desire will hit you like a rocket
26:16 and you want to do it.
26:17 Same with dating, you start dating and you start doing it.
26:19 And in about two month you are going to
26:21 really want to do it. That's good.
26:22 Okay, desire follows discipline. That's good.
26:24 Okay, just like worship, if you want to worship the Lord,
26:27 just start worshipping him
26:28 and do that 5, 10, 15 minutes a day
26:30 and in no time you are going to desire to worship him.
26:33 Amen, amen.
26:35 So it's all about restoring intimacy into our relationship
26:40 and part of intimacy is having fun.
26:42 Well, yeah and you know honestly
26:44 that's how most of our marriage started.
26:46 I mean how many you got married saying,
26:47 listen I'm so bored with my spouse,
26:49 I could barely stand him.
26:51 I just couldn't get there you know.
26:53 I decided to marry him
26:54 because I felt sorry for the poor Joe, okay.
26:56 Listen, no, you married him
26:58 because you thought may be he was fun,
26:59 he thought you were fun.
27:00 And you thought you would get a fun
27:01 the most of your life together?
27:03 So you thought of getting married would be good idea.
27:05 And friends not a bad word,
27:06 we just get to, we do get so serious in mind sometimes.
27:09 You get that fun as a Christian, Amen.
27:12 Okay and you get that fun for all eternity
27:14 so you might as well practice,
27:15 because if you don't like fun down here,
27:17 heaven is going to be hell for you.
27:19 Because heaven is going to be a wonderful place.
27:22 Dr. Douglas Weiss, thank you so much returning
27:25 and we want you to come back
27:27 'cause I know you got lot more to say.
27:28 Okay great. Thanks for being here.
27:30 For those of you at home,
27:32 you pray for me and I will pray for you,
27:34 we need to start dating our spouses again
27:36 and we need to make our marriage
27:38 be a model of what God has for us.
27:41 You know, God likes to have fun with us
27:43 and He has given us all of this creation to enjoy.
27:47 So go out and enjoy with your spouse today.
27:50 Thank you so much for joining us.