Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000346
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelly Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers."
00:33 This is a program where we talk about
00:35 issues that affect the Christian families
00:37 and Christian individuals
00:39 and come up with biblical solutions.
00:42 You know, when Moses wrote the Book of Genesis
00:46 he records what happened in the Garden of Eden
00:50 when Adam was introduced to Eve.
00:53 And although the Bible doesn't say
00:54 well, I think Adam probably went wow
00:56 when God first showed him Eve.
00:58 But he says in Genesis 2 beginning in verse 23.
01:02 Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones
01:05 and flesh of my flesh.
01:06 She shall be called woman
01:08 because she was taken of a man.
01:10 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother
01:14 and shall become united and cleave to his wife.
01:19 And they shall become one flesh."
01:22 It's interesting.
01:24 The Bible shows that man and woman are a uni-plural unit
01:30 and but they're considered as one.
01:33 The Bible also tells us in 1 Corinthians 6:17 that
01:36 when we are in Christ united in Christ
01:39 we are one in spirit with him.
01:41 What does all of this mean?
01:43 It's all talking about intimacy between a husband and a wife
01:46 and intimacy in our relationship with the Lord.
01:49 And that is our topic today we're very excited.
01:52 This is a topic that's
01:53 sometimes considered a little challenging
01:56 but it's nothing to be fearful of.
01:58 And to introduce us
02:00 to some really good scriptural knowledge of this today
02:04 our very special guests is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
02:07 Douglas, we're so glad to have to back.
02:08 Oh, it's good to be here, Shelly.
02:09 And you have been-- you're returning to 3ABN.
02:12 You've been on Celebrating Life
02:13 and Recovery with Sherry Peters. Yes, ma'am.
02:15 And that's a very popular program as well.
02:18 You know, when were there
02:19 we got a lot of excellent responses
02:21 so we wanted to have you comeback
02:24 and talk to us about--
02:26 actually this is a topic you've written a book on.
02:29 And the book is "Intimacy a Hundred Day Guide
02:32 to Lasting Relationships."
02:34 How many books total have you written?
02:36 Twenty. Twenty books.
02:37 Yes, ma'am.
02:38 You are a Christian psychologists.
02:40 Yes, ma'am.
02:41 Its one of them, tell me your other degrees.
02:43 Well I have got, you know, two Bible degrees,
02:44 two counseling degrees so imbalanced, you know. Okay.
02:46 You got be too messed up if that way. Praise God.
02:50 You come to us from Colorado Springs,
02:52 Colorado and your ministry
02:54 or your business its Heart to Heart Counseling Center.
02:57 Yes, in Colorado Springs and we love it there. Wonderful.
03:00 So let's just jump right into this topic
03:02 because this is something that--
03:04 I remember once I was talking about
03:06 intimacy on another network that used to air on
03:09 and a woman wrote me the most terrible letter
03:13 when I was talking about intimacy with the Lord.
03:16 Like that was something that
03:18 was a word that had a sexual connotation to it
03:22 and I shouldn't be using it
03:23 when talking about my relationship with God.
03:26 So we want to get right to the definition,
03:29 what is intimacy?
03:31 Oh, intimacy is the ability to get my heart to your heart.
03:34 And so intimacy with the Father
03:35 is our ability to get our heart to Him
03:37 and His heart to us. It's good.
03:39 And what's interesting is, it's the same set as skills.
03:42 The same set of skills
03:43 it takes to be intimate with the husband and wife.
03:44 The same set of skills that take to be intimate with God.
03:47 Now there are some people who are religious
03:48 and they think to be intimate with God
03:50 and treat their spouse very poorly.
03:51 That isn't intimacy, that's religion. Okay.
03:53 Okay intimacy is my ability to connect to Him,
03:56 my ability to connect to you and you to connect to me.
03:59 Now there is no place
04:01 in western society we get train to do this.
04:03 I got four degrees and none of them taught me
04:05 how to be intimate.
04:06 None of them taught me how to share my heart.
04:08 Two in Bible, two in counseling
04:09 and none of them showed me how to actually do it.
04:12 Was it modeled for you as a child?
04:14 No, no I was conceived in adultery, ban and abuse,
04:16 neglected foster homes all that kind of stuff.
04:18 My background was no place to learn this.
04:22 This is something that God had to show me.
04:23 Because, I was going to school as counselor
04:25 and I said God, if you're gonna--
04:27 if you're gonna put me in counseling
04:28 I got to learn how to do this myself,
04:31 because if I don't have to do this I can't teach somebody.
04:34 And so actually the skills are in intimacy
04:36 are skills that I use for myself
04:38 to develop intimacy with my wife and with my God.
04:42 Amen, now before we unpack your skill set
04:45 and talk about how we actually get to intimacy.
04:48 Let's talk about what intimacy is not.
04:52 Oh, intimacy is not Shelly some allusive thing
04:54 that God does not want us to have.
04:56 And it is also is not culturally for the rich,
04:58 the famous, the beautiful.
04:59 You just have to look at any newspaper
05:01 to realize they don't have it.
05:02 They're cheating, they're lying,
05:03 and they're hurting each other and all that kind of stuff.
05:05 Intimacy actually is something that almost anybody can have
05:10 if they're willing to work for it.
05:12 Intimacy is the set of skills on a consistent basis
05:15 that gives you consistent result. Okay.
05:17 Let me give you an example.
05:19 Poor health okay, if you eat good
05:22 your exercise regularly and sleep well.
05:25 You're going to have really good health most of your life.
05:27 You know, limited to your gene pool, okay.
05:30 If you want to be wealthy,
05:32 simple concept first tithe. Always tithe. Amen.
05:35 Tithe, save invest and over 30-40 years
05:38 you're going to be wealthy. Okay.
05:39 You know don't get into a lot of debts simple principles.
05:42 Intimacy is the set of principles
05:43 you actually do everyday or almost everyday
05:47 so you get the result kind of like the result is.
05:50 Health if you follow those principles,
05:52 wealth if you follow the wealth principles
05:54 and intimacy if you follow intimacy principles.
05:56 So health, wealth and intimacy
05:58 are all processor you are saying--
06:00 Its work. Its work, okay.
06:02 Do the work.
06:04 And sometimes people don't want to work.
06:06 I know that's why some of us are weigh over weight
06:08 and someone's are broke even though we love Jesus.
06:10 And some of us--
06:12 and some of us are pew warmers or church goers
06:14 who don't have that true
06:16 one on one personal relationships with the Lord.
06:17 That's another way doing
06:18 yeah the intimacy with Him to work as well.
06:20 Some of us are having been married for years
06:23 and our relationships were more like roommates. Yes.
06:26 Then being that enjoying that true intimacy. Absolutely.
06:30 And sometimes people confuse
06:32 as I mentioned that women who wrote me this word.
06:35 The letter she was confusing the word intimacy with sex.
06:40 But sexual--there is a physical intimacy. Yes.
06:43 That God intent for us to enjoy.
06:45 But within the confines of marriage we'll get there.
06:47 Only marriage.
06:49 But intimacy is as you said sharing one heart--
06:53 It's heart to heart. With another.
06:55 Heart to heart, deep calling into deep.
06:57 All right, exactly, and that could be friends
06:59 that definitely when you want that to be in your marriage
07:01 and that definitely should be with the Lord.
07:02 The Lord is not interested in a religious performance
07:05 He is interested in knowing our hearts.
07:06 He creates us to be known.
07:08 Amen. He created us for intimacy.
07:10 Yeah, and so that's really important.
07:12 So how we are with our husbands
07:14 and wives is really, really critical
07:16 because if these disciplines usually in place for dating,
07:19 quality time, praying together,
07:20 sharing your heart, sharing your dreams.
07:22 Because we don't have any money
07:23 so we're got to share our dreams, right.
07:24 And so what happens though
07:25 as we move from relationship often
07:27 into the dating process to after marriage
07:29 we start to moving into function ship.
07:31 Okay we drop the dating we drop its quality time,
07:34 we dropped sharing our hearts.
07:35 And now all of sudden we're functioning
07:36 with kids and dogs and mortgage payments
07:38 and insurance payments
07:40 and we start moving in the function ship
07:41 and the fire whines
07:43 because the real intimacy skills are being left behind.
07:47 And so we're actually getting lazy in the intimacy
07:50 and wondering why we don't have that
07:51 same passion that we have.
07:52 We're investing so many hours together.
07:54 Okay so how does one first--
07:57 let's talk about this emotional and mental intimacy.
08:01 Do you believe Doug, that anyone can truly enjoy
08:05 intimacy as a husband and wife if the don't understand
08:08 how to have intimacy with God.
08:09 Well, they could have a limited level of intimacy. Okay.
08:12 I mean you could have two cells burning
08:13 right rather to have all three
08:14 its spirit, soul and body. Right.
08:16 I had rather they all three to be burning. Okay.
08:18 Do you know what I'm saying with my wife?
08:20 I want to be spiritually connected,
08:21 emotionally connected, and physically connected. Amen.
08:23 You know what I'm saying that you can have two out of three.
08:25 You can have one out of three. But I'm going for the goal.
08:28 And people-- and you know some people--
08:29 You got to have bronze marriage
08:30 if you want to but kind of boring to me, man.
08:34 Let's bring in this three letter word that some people
08:38 just have such a difficult time in discussing.
08:41 And that's S-E-X. Sex. Sure.
08:44 There are people who have and within their marriage--
08:48 a husband and wife who have a very active physical life
08:53 but have no intimacy. Yeah.
08:55 Isn't that true? Yes, absolutely.
08:58 And see intimacy is something that it is--
09:01 it's something to me maintained.
09:02 Let me go scripture for a minute. Okay, please.
09:05 Because there're the lot of guys
09:06 who are watching the show, Shelly. Yes.
09:07 Okay and I think, you know, guys
09:08 we're talking about like the girl thing.
09:10 No, no, no see intimacy is something
09:12 that your wife is gonna crave
09:13 whether you give it to her or not.
09:14 So if you give to her then she really desires you.
09:17 So you really want to pay attention.
09:19 Guys, okay scripture talks about
09:21 love your wife as Christ love the church.
09:22 All guys really don't like that scriptures
09:24 as when was Paul were like taking the rest on, okay.
09:26 Okay because we're compared to Jesus, all right.
09:29 But right after that he tells us exactly how to do it.
09:32 He says, what man doesn't wash his body?
09:34 What man doesn't feed his body?
09:36 Now I'm a guy, you know,
09:38 and when I go into the shower
09:39 I don't complaining to Jesus
09:40 why did you set up such a system
09:41 I got to spend you know 30-40 minutes daily
09:43 taking to shower and do hair all kind of stuff.
09:45 And then eating, eating takes up at least two hours a day.
09:48 You know, between making it, eating it,
09:49 cleaning up and all kind of stuff.
09:51 So here I'm spending almost 3 hours on myself everyday
09:53 without one complaint about my maintenance.
09:56 Okay, and when you get married a woman is maintenance,
09:59 a marriage is maintenance, a man is maintenance.
10:01 And in that scripture he says listen,
10:03 if you can accept the daily maintenance of your body
10:06 you could accept the daily maintenance of a woman.
10:09 And if you could accept the daily maintenance of her
10:12 you will be loving your wife as Christ loves the church.
10:15 And I never looked at that scripture that way.
10:17 That's because you're girl, all right.
10:18 That's Ephesians 5, that's Ephesians 5--
10:19 You know, well see we get this.
10:20 It says, well, man doesn't wash his body
10:22 or man doesn't cloth his--
10:23 what man doesn't feed his body, right. Amen.
10:26 And so we do that without complaint.
10:29 Ephesians 5 for anyone
10:30 that's wondering where scripture might be.
10:31 Shelly, we change oil in our car without complaint.
10:36 Well, some of us. You know, what I'm saying.
10:37 For the men that's a maintenance issue.
10:39 Marriage is a maintenance issue.
10:41 If God gives you the gift of a woman in his own image
10:44 she needs to be maintained. Why was man made?
10:47 To maintain the garden. We are maintainers, okay.
10:51 But see what happens is girls don't come on with rules.
10:53 And so we have to like figure this out.
10:56 And what we are talking about is intimacy is a set of skills
10:58 and they're in the book and we can talk about
10:59 a few of these in a moment.
11:01 If you do these skills
11:02 you feed her spiritually and emotionally
11:04 she is gonna run just fine.
11:06 You're not going to be sleeping on the sofa near as much
11:08 or fighting near as much
11:10 or and you get to have better physical relationship
11:12 because if you're intimate outside the bedroom
11:14 then intimacy brought into the physical relationship
11:17 was God's design. Amen.
11:19 Now, its not just women who crave intimacy
11:23 but we all are designed for intimacy, are we not.
11:26 Yeah, but guys-- intimacy to guys
11:28 could be sitting around having a piece of piece
11:29 and watching the game. You know quality time.
11:31 So that's useless. That's useless.
11:33 Hey, we have a good time, man. Okay.
11:35 But the intimacy with the woman is more demanding
11:38 than intimacy with the man. Okay.
11:39 It is, you know, because you process differently.
11:42 You know, you use more words.
11:44 You know, you think differently like,
11:46 you know, women tend to think about
11:47 their whole world at one time.
11:48 We talk to think a slice at a time.
11:51 You know what I'm saying? Hey, we're on the slice.
11:53 The slice is good to my life, its good. Okay.
11:55 We don't' worry the things that,
11:56 you know, IRS or other things
11:57 that are going on our life. My slice is good.
11:59 If the super bowl is on then that's the slice you're taking.
12:01 Right, that's really so.
12:03 So, you know, there is a difference
12:04 and God made it so that we would
12:06 have to become like Him to be able to love you. Okay.
12:09 And you have to become
12:10 a little bit more like Him to love us.
12:12 All right, I will accept that.
12:13 You know, what I'm saying, your patience, goodness,
12:15 kindness all of those things.
12:17 Patience a lot. Yes, yes and it's good.
12:20 But now intimacy, when you say that
12:22 a man is spending so much time in--
12:26 Eating and showering. Eating and showering.
12:28 You know, saying he is has to spend
12:29 an equal amount of time in other three hours of this way.
12:31 This takes about 10-15 minutes a day.
12:33 The basic vitamin of intimacy is 10 to 15 minutes a day,
12:35 guys, 10 to 15 minutes a day.
12:37 We all have that.
12:38 But now there is one another thing
12:39 that I want to bring in and you tell me if I'm wrong
12:41 because you're the psychologist here.
12:43 When I'm teaching say at a women's retreat. Yes.
12:46 I always tell women you cannot expect--
12:50 men and women communicate differently.
12:52 You cannot expect your husband
12:55 to fulfill the need that you have.
12:57 And he is never gonna be a girl.
12:58 The relationship of your best girlfriend.
13:00 We can't--I tell women learn how to talk in bullet points.
13:04 Kind of bottom line it for a man.
13:06 If he wants the no more he will ask
13:08 but they're really not all that interested in
13:10 if the baby shower, what the color scheme was,
13:12 every present that she opened, who was there.
13:14 That would be a long bang. All right.
13:16 So the difference is. I'm glad you had a good time.
13:21 So basically the one I'm setting up here is that
13:25 what are realistic expectations of intimacy?
13:28 What when a women you say that
13:30 a women needs to be maintained,
13:32 it doesn't mean that her husband has to sit there
13:34 and say oh, do I have to listen to all of them.
13:36 Now, this is about 10 to 15 minutes investment, okay.
13:39 And you work together on this.
13:41 Okay, those exercises we outlined.
13:42 But one of them is praying together.
13:44 Now that's simple. Okay.
13:45 Take a covenants day to pray together
13:48 before the Lord and, you know,
13:49 I don't know how the Lord feels about a man
13:51 who honestly takes the pride from God
13:54 and then doesn't bring bride back to God on a regular basis.
13:57 I think He feels insulted. Good point.
13:59 You know, because God is not just our Father,
14:01 He's your father-in-law.
14:03 And I've have never thought of that either, Doug.
14:05 We could have a lot, you have a lot of Revelations
14:06 We're gonna have, that's really interesting.
14:08 Lights are coming on, yeah.
14:09 And so God is your father-in-law
14:11 and sometimes He relates to a man from that position.
14:13 And there is lot of man who are not blessed
14:14 because they're not treating
14:15 their wives well that Malachi 2.
14:16 So He is you father, J.D.
14:18 God is not only His father but he is father-in-law in that
14:21 God gave me His daughter to J.D.
14:25 And so sometimes God looks at J.D. and goes,
14:26 okay, how you're doing son with my daughter.
14:31 And now that's My favorite daughter
14:32 and--you see what I am saying. Yes, okay.
14:34 And if you ever had a little girl guys know
14:36 how feel about little girl.
14:38 There is something special she has in your heart.
14:41 And every wife is that special place in God's heart.
14:44 So you better be really nice
14:46 to her is kind of the way that goes.
14:47 So as a father-in-law what you're saying is that
14:49 if a man married your daughter and he is not treating her right
14:53 you're going to be a little upset with him.
14:54 No I might have him killed.
14:56 Okay, that's your little-- Yeah, yeah.
14:57 Now I'm being silly. You know that.
15:00 But what I'm saying that's man want to protect woman
15:03 that's what I'm saying. That's okay.
15:04 Okay, and so yeah, that man won't have my favorite.
15:08 If he treats her really good you'll have my favorite.
15:10 And see there is lot of man who don't have some of the favor
15:14 because of the way they treat their wives.
15:17 So let's get back to the start.
15:18 Let's go to start and I want to dig
15:19 into this praying together a little bit further
15:22 because there are some--
15:26 I hate to use that what control freak.
15:28 But there are some people in relationships
15:31 that when they pray together
15:33 that there women are guilty of doing this,
15:36 men are guilty of doing this.
15:38 As they pray they're actually preaching sermon in the prayer.
15:42 Preaching that. Don't do that.
15:43 Jesus never did that. You know, He never did that.
15:46 And that's not loving your wife.
15:48 If you want to bless her, bless her.
15:50 You know, Lord Jesus, bless my wife.
15:51 Encourage her strengthened use me to serve her.
15:54 Those be great prayers.
15:55 Don't be preaching in you know stuff at her.
15:58 Because you want her to be-- Help her to lose weight.
15:59 You know, one of the things,
16:00 one of the biggest sins in marriage,
16:02 in Christian's marriage is adulatory.
16:04 I want you to look like me.
16:06 Wow. That's adulatory.
16:08 God didn't create her to be in my image
16:10 He created her to be in His image.
16:11 If I want her to look like me
16:12 then I more should be me too much.
16:14 Amen.i And that's sin.
16:17 So then if make start making her like me
16:18 now the Holy Spirits are gonna kill her too.
16:21 Wow, that's good.
16:22 So in this 10 to 15 minutes time of investment
16:26 everyday you're saying this is time
16:28 where you all can share heart to heart.
16:30 Right exactly. Prayer is one way.
16:32 Prayer is one. We do two feelings a day.
16:35 Now there is no place where you are trained how to do emotions.
16:36 This is a real limitation western culture
16:39 and cultures in general.
16:40 So the book actually walks you through an exercise
16:42 I developed for myself to learn how to identify
16:45 and communicate feelings.
16:46 Within about a month or so you can go
16:48 from emotional ill literacy to literacy
16:50 in about two months you can become emotional blackmail
16:53 where guys can share feelings just as fast as girls.
16:55 It's a skill. It's just a set of skills.
16:56 I have to tell you. Yes.
16:59 When we're talking about men sharing intimacies
17:01 some men cannot own their own feelings.
17:03 I mean they don't even recognize what their own feelings are.
17:05 That's a lack of skill.
17:07 That's not a lack of intelligence
17:08 and its not about them being man.
17:10 Woman can be just be bad at that.
17:11 Is it also a part of men
17:13 who are fearful of being labeled effeminate
17:16 if they're able to share their feelings
17:18 or there seems to be a block,
17:20 especially in I mean we have got a worldwide audience
17:23 and don't know where you're watching.
17:25 Which you're country you're watching.
17:26 But there seems to be in the western culture
17:29 particularly this mental block about you
17:32 asking a man how their feeling and its like, I don't know.
17:38 I don't know I feel about this.
17:40 Have you recognized this? Well, again it's like a skill.
17:42 I have taught tens of thousands of man
17:44 how identify communicate feelings.
17:46 And what happens is they feel closer to a woman,
17:50 understood what I'am saying because there was a place
17:52 a woman is generally a safe person.
17:53 Now there are some woman they are not safe.
17:54 But generally they're safe
17:55 and you can share your heart with them.
17:57 And there are some guidelines.
17:58 Like you can't give feedback you can't ask questions.
18:00 So in the exercise the guys sharing to feelings
18:02 but she can't do anything with them.
18:04 So give us an example on this.
18:05 She can't say, you can't feel that way.
18:07 She can't say well, tell me more.
18:08 She can't do any thing.
18:09 It's just like, okay, we pick a feeling--
18:11 you know we point it, same we say okay, calm.
18:14 I feel calm when I am--
18:16 I feel calm actually in my house
18:17 and watching the stars its amazing, there where I live.
18:19 And I first remember feeling calm
18:21 which is gonna be under the age of 18
18:22 when I was with my sister.
18:23 We were on farms where, you know look at the clouds
18:26 and making shapes and I felt it very calm.
18:28 Cool grass, blue sky it was beautiful, okay.
18:30 So they are just identifying communicative feeling.
18:34 Okay, now as the wife though you can't give me any feedback,
18:37 see this is where it gets jammed up.
18:39 A guy shares his heart
18:40 and the girl wants to go in there and pick around it.
18:43 So-- That was unsafe.
18:45 All right, so say that a man said,
18:47 I feel calm when I'm sitting in my easy chair watching
18:51 what ever program it is--
18:52 he is watching a golf tournament.
18:54 So the wife can't sit and say, you got to be kidding
18:57 if you feel calm like that or that or that.
18:59 She can't give any feedback. She can't give any feedback.
19:00 Now see this is a safe zone.
19:02 See if you want a man to share he has to be safe
19:05 and some women sabotage that.
19:07 Because when he shares its any thing
19:09 but safe all of a sudden they become the mom,
19:12 they become the expert, they become the critic,
19:14 they become this, he is like it is not safe out there.
19:17 All right, you are bringing up something I know--
19:19 So there is two dynamics here.
19:21 The man he can share where as do it in safety
19:24 and no one has to hear with out trying to do anything with it.
19:27 So communicating feelings, I talk with a lot of women
19:30 who say that they feel that they repress some of their feelings
19:34 because if they express a feeling to their husband
19:38 he thinks that he got to come in and fix it.
19:41 Feelings-- I like that you said in this book.
19:43 He can't say anything either. All right.
19:45 She is sharing her feelings and he can't say anything.
19:46 I liked what you said in this book.
19:48 In this--your book Intimacy.
19:50 A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships.
19:53 You said that feeling aren't always truth.
19:56 We all have feelings
19:57 and feelings change from day to day.
20:00 I was talking with some one day before yesterday who said,
20:04 I just wish Jesus would take me home.
20:06 I am tired of living in it and I just read this.
20:10 And so rather than jumping in and trying to fix it
20:12 I just let them express that feeling you will be safe.
20:16 You know, the interesting thing was next they called back
20:19 and said because a tornado came through their town
20:21 and next day they called back and said
20:22 well, I was sure was repenting of those words.
20:25 So feelings do change, they have nothing to do with truth
20:29 but is it not true that more men than women are fixers
20:34 that when you share a feeling.
20:35 A man jumps in and thinks he is gonna fix it.
20:37 Well, I think generally if a woman doesn't prefers
20:40 for communication with what I need is you just to hear me,
20:43 I don't need a solution she is gonna usually get one,
20:46 okay, because that's what he thinks--
20:48 because if a man ask man a question
20:49 he is asking the other man to help him with something
20:51 and fixing to get more information or something.
20:53 So if a woman asks a question he assumes that she wants
20:55 the same genius information he could offer.
20:59 But if she is wanting to share heart its different.
21:00 She needs to say listen, I need to talk with you,
21:03 but it really don't need any feedback.
21:04 I just want to process, I just want to share.
21:06 Okay, well, then he knows his role.
21:08 What happens is she because see Eve hung out with God first,
21:12 it totally messed her up.
21:14 If she would have just met Adam first that be fine.
21:16 Okay, but she met God first and He knows everything
21:19 and read her mind and He was able to tell her
21:21 what she was feeling and thinking
21:22 before she could think it, totally messed her up
21:24 for relating to man because she thinks
21:26 He is God liking well totally not.
21:29 I am the cool that you are thinking.
21:30 You have to actually share with me
21:32 and if I don't know what you need
21:33 you have to let me know
21:34 so I kind of go in the right place for you.
21:36 You know what I am saying? Yes.
21:37 Some of the work has to do on her side,
21:39 someone has to watch and go I don't like that okay, it's both.
21:43 We will have to work a better communication.
21:45 And then the other exercise we will go to all three
21:48 okay, that's something you do everyday
21:49 its two or three statements.
21:50 I'll give you two compliments a day,
21:52 you give me two compliments.
21:54 I say, I love appreciate that that about you,
21:56 you say thank you.
21:57 So let it into your heart.
21:58 There is a receipt there are some people
22:00 who won't go to let it in, and then you give me one.
22:04 And then I give you the other one
22:05 is through these two feelings.
22:06 So the there is three is to thank you.
22:08 Two praise us and praises, I am in prayer.
22:10 Yes, well, know I say, you know,
22:12 I think you are an amazing industrious woman.
22:14 Suppose I was your husband and you go and you let in here,
22:17 you go thank you from here. Thank you.
22:20 So that you actually letting it in, its what I am saying.
22:23 But someone may not really gonna giving it
22:24 but not good at receive it.
22:25 I am terrible at receiving compliment.
22:27 Next time I see you I expect that to be better.
22:30 Yes. Okay.
22:31 I find an excuse to tell you why it isn't so.
22:34 Okay, but yet you let it in
22:35 because see the Father see these skills
22:38 transformed to the Father, okay.
22:40 If you can share your feeling with God He is a person,
22:44 He has feelings too, His feelings will blow you away
22:46 if can hear them. You know, what I'm saying.
22:49 Yeah, that's why I love to study the Bible.
22:52 Yeah, but He is a person, He is a person
22:54 He is not a yet, He is not a thing,
22:56 We are in His image, He is a person.
22:59 He has feelings about how things are in Heaven,
23:01 how things are in earth,
23:02 how things are happening with us. Amen.
23:06 If you seek the hearty God you always know His mind.
23:09 You know what I am saying.
23:10 That's why you go in his heart.
23:12 and He loves to be complimented.
23:14 He loves praise. Absolutely.
23:16 You know what I am saying, and He loves to give it
23:18 if you listen He will tell you what
23:20 you are My favorite person.
23:21 I love you, you are precious, you are amazing.
23:25 I have called you by your name, you are mine.
23:26 Yeah, I am saying.
23:27 Yes, He is a lover in that sense
23:30 He wants to communicate loving things to our heart.
23:33 Amen, so-- So these skills transfers.
23:36 What's the third process? Oh, that is the priority on.
23:39 Two feelings, two and a nurturing thing is three.
23:42 That's three a day, you do those three things everyday.
23:45 And what you are saying is
23:46 if a man and a woman who will sit down
23:49 and agree to do this process,
23:52 that it will actually increase their intimacy. Tremendously.
23:55 I think couples who were in physically intimated
23:57 for over a decade do these exercise
23:59 and with in six weeks, that was mended.
24:01 Because they start to connect intimately
24:04 with out the physical and then that created a desire
24:07 and hunger for the physical.
24:09 You see what I'm saying. All right.
24:10 And so intimacy is something
24:12 that is a result of a discipline.
24:14 If you are falling out of love, you are not falling out of love.
24:16 I am a councilor, I heard some people say, I am falling.
24:19 You are not falling. Let we follow our discipline.
24:21 Your's lazy, you are not out of love.
24:23 Okay, when get to work
24:24 and you are on to work for a month
24:26 so you could fall back in love.
24:27 You know, something tells me,
24:28 Doug, that those men out here who can be say, is that simple?
24:31 All I have to do is take 15 minutes a day
24:33 and do these process. Yes, it's that simple.
24:34 You see what happens is these things actually soak in
24:38 to who you become.
24:40 Okay, you become more encouraging
24:41 through out the day because you use to
24:42 encourage you every day.
24:44 You become more open because you practice being open.
24:47 So something kind of hits your work,
24:48 you say man, you know
24:50 I really feel totally unacknowledged today
24:55 because my boss, you know, I actually wrote the concept
24:58 but some other guy got credit for following notes.
25:01 Well, see that's what she wants to know.
25:03 She wants to know your heart that day.
25:05 She doesn't care about the information
25:06 she wants to know where your heart was.
25:08 Why was it hurt, why was it strength,
25:09 why was it encouraged.
25:11 And she knows that and she is with you.
25:13 Well you are saying that men really don't care about
25:15 knowing these things that it's really woman that--
25:17 No, no we care about knowing these things
25:19 but again we want to know so much
25:22 I mean, you know, we don't want--
25:23 we don't want three feelings in one minute. We can't do that.
25:27 Okay, but we can if we--
25:29 but it also happens if you get greatest joy in your feelings
25:31 and you know its going to happen,
25:32 you know, you can even share that feeling
25:33 later with him today in that context
25:35 and he is gonna really hear you
25:36 because he can't give you any feedback.
25:37 And I also love the fact that
25:39 this same to discipline can be used with God.
25:41 I mean its just time of coming to the Lord
25:44 not to seek intimacy is not prayer,
25:46 seeking God's hand always the list it's seeking His heart.
25:51 I don't want to know, I know--
25:52 you know, for me my prayers always been,
25:54 I want Your heart God. Amen.
25:56 If I have Your heart I have Your mind.
25:58 As the deer pants for the water.
26:00 If I have Your heart God,
26:02 I will have Your mind.
26:04 That's good. You know what I'm saying.
26:05 And so many Christians they want to--
26:06 they want to know the mind of God.
26:08 They want to read the information.
26:09 They want to be the news picker about Him
26:11 instead of knowing to go through article. All right.
26:13 And it's all about seeking the heart of God.
26:16 Yes, and the heart of your spouse.
26:18 Woman don't marry men because they are good looking,
26:20 they marry because they want they saw
26:21 something in their heart they really liked.
26:22 But you know this affirmation in praise
26:25 I believe as you said, God wants to hear our praise.
26:28 I mean we are instructed to praise Him.
26:31 Its not that it changes Him
26:33 but it changes our attitude, it changes us.
26:37 So that's why it's dealing with your husband in carelessness.
26:39 He wants to hear his praise of you.
26:43 He wants you to hear his praise of you.
26:45 I am proud of You. I love You.
26:48 I love listening to you. I love watching you sleep.
26:50 I love watching you get up.
26:51 I love the way you play with your kids.
26:54 He wants you to be able to hear his praise.
26:56 Either when you do that's satisfies your soul
27:01 because I've pleased the Father. Amen, Amen.
27:06 Doug, this time has gone by so fast.
27:08 I am feeling like we just begin to scratch the surface
27:11 so, we are inviting you come back. Great.
27:13 I'm glad that you are going to.
27:15 Thank you, so much for being with us today. Thank you.
27:18 You know, I so much I can identify with what he says
27:21 and part of the knowing how God feels about us.
27:25 I love to take his promises
27:28 and just as I am reading his promises its
27:30 I hear the voice of the Lord I know the heart of the Father
27:34 and I know this is a way it says
27:35 I am in Christ and I think that's a wonderful way
27:37 to help us increase our intimacy
27:40 in knowing the heart of the Father
27:42 is to know how special you are to Him.
27:44 Please don't forget that God has a plan for your life
27:47 and its better than the one your living,
27:49 it's better to one I am living here.
27:51 So seek God's heart and love His way.