Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Derry James
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000332
00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers."
00:33 No matter where you're tuning in from around the world,
00:36 we are so glad that you've joined us.
00:38 Today, we have I think a very important topic.
00:41 We're going to be speaking about being judgmental,
00:46 having a critical spirit.
00:48 Let's first share the words of Jesus
00:51 from Matthew 7:1, 2.
00:54 Here's what He said "Do not judge lest you be judged."
01:00 He is saying don't judge, don't criticize,
01:01 don't condemn others because you are going to be
01:06 judged criticize to condemned if you do.
01:09 Verse 2 He says "For just as you judge others
01:14 so will you be judged and in accordance
01:17 with the measure you use to deal out to others
01:21 it would dealt against you."
01:25 So can you see why it so important
01:27 to you and I don't have judgmental spirit,
01:30 critical spirit and yet sometimes
01:33 it's a very easy thing to let this come over you.
01:38 And we're gonna talk about how not to you today.
01:41 A very special guest is a good friend of mine
01:45 and she's returning to 3ABN.
01:47 Let help me welcome Derry James.
01:49 Derry, it's so good to have you back.
01:52 Oh, it's good to be here, Shelley.
01:54 I always enjoy coming back to 3ABN
01:56 and seeing my friends.
01:57 I don't realize how much I miss you
01:58 until I come back in the door again.
02:00 Well, we always missed you.
02:02 Now you are a--you have a doctor of ministry
02:06 you specialize in Christian counseling
02:08 and you are the Chaplain
02:09 for the Sierra Nevada Memorial Hospital in Grassland.
02:14 Grass Valley. Grass Valley, California.
02:17 Well, we're glad that you come back
02:18 and, you know, we've got so much to talk about today
02:21 that we're just gonna kind cut that part short
02:24 and let's get into this 'cause I know you always
02:27 share a little bit of your own testimony
02:29 when you are teaching so.
02:31 Try to do that.
02:32 Let me--Let me share a thought with you
02:34 and this is something this is gonna be
02:36 very expose myself here.
02:40 This happened a couple of months ago someone shared
02:44 with me something someone's history and past
02:48 and they were attributing to them
02:50 that same attitude in today's time.
02:54 And I found myself because this other person was judging
02:58 and being little bit critical rather then standing up for them
03:03 it was like I let that come over me
03:07 it's contiguous what I am saying.
03:09 And I walked in that for a couple of days
03:12 and then the Lord got my attention
03:14 and He showed me that I was being judgmental and critical.
03:18 Wow, Derry, what do we do?
03:22 We certainly need heart transplant, don't we?
03:24 We do, amen.
03:26 So I'd like to talk little bit about may be
03:28 some of the judgments that I made
03:30 and some misconceptions.
03:32 About people and then let's get back
03:34 to what we really can do about, okay.
03:37 I'd like to ask you a question, Shelley?
03:39 If you saw someone with a red face,
03:44 what would you, what would you assume,
03:45 what would do you think?
03:46 Oh, that may be they've got a sunburn
03:50 or that they've been crying or--
03:54 Okay, but it might be that they have just run race.
03:59 It might be that they had a high fever.
04:01 Or they could be embarrassed.
04:03 They could be embarrassed, exactly.
04:05 You know, they are a lot of different things
04:07 that they could have red face about
04:09 but do you see how because our own insights
04:11 or experiences are our own stuff
04:14 we immediately say, they must have red face because.
04:19 And we do that over and over in lot of circumstances.
04:23 I'll share story with you.
04:25 I can remember going to women's house one day.
04:27 She was expecting me.
04:28 I knocked at the door and she said just a minute
04:32 and I heard her running around the house
04:35 and when she came to the door finally
04:37 she had unlocked three locks on the door.
04:40 Now, I immediately thought this poor women
04:45 she must be terrified.
04:47 They have three locks on her door
04:48 and to keep the house lock like this in the middle of the day
04:51 and have to run find keys unlock it from the inside like this.
04:55 So I just made that little judgment about a week later
05:00 I was ahead back to her house
05:02 and as I was going to her house again
05:04 I was reminded of all this locks that she had unlock.
05:08 And as I thought the poor lady
05:10 I really need to pray for her to overcome her fear.
05:13 And God distinctly said to me, what makes you think
05:17 she is afraid, like you think she is afraid?
05:21 And the bottom-line was she locked the doors
05:23 because she had two small children
05:25 and she lived on busy road
05:27 and she didn't want to children to get out in the traffic.
05:31 This scripture says in James 4:12 Shelley,
05:34 "There is only one lawgiver and judge,
05:36 the one who is able to save and to destroy."
05:38 But you--
05:40 "Who are you to judge your neighbor?"
05:42 And we do it all the time.
05:44 We don't mean to but we just do it all the time, its nature.
05:48 In little things and big things.
05:49 So how do we get away from that?
05:51 We're gonna come up with that by the end.
05:53 You know, I'd like tell you another story
05:55 about criticism the way I am.
05:56 I'm gonna do a object lesson here, okay.
05:59 And I have three strips of newspaper--
06:01 And they all the same. They all the same, yeah.
06:03 Just three strips of newspaper.
06:05 Yeah, and I am just going to scotch tape them together here.
06:08 Okay and then I am going to be cutting them.
06:12 So I want to talk about a time
06:14 because we are talking about judgments and criticisms.
06:16 And I want to talk about a time
06:18 when, when I was pretty critical.
06:21 I had a dear friend she had a child
06:25 before I had my first child.
06:27 And they came over to the house
06:29 brand new house I was so excited.
06:31 It was our first time to have any guests over it all.
06:34 And she had her little baby
06:36 and you know you get your first house
06:38 and what happens your penny poured right.
06:41 So, this little guy was eating Spaghetti
06:47 and she kind of wiped his hands.
06:50 He was also eating garlic breed
06:54 she barely wiped his hands.
06:56 Spaghetti went on my new carpet one on the floor.
06:59 And I remember looking at her and saying Merlin, my new house.
07:07 I am thinking to myself what kind of mother is she?
07:11 You know, she's doesn't even wash her kids hands off.
07:13 She letting run over my new house.
07:15 All right, what are you doing?
07:16 Okay, so now I am just, I am just cutting the circles
07:19 that I scotch tape together.
07:20 Okay. And I am just cut them--
07:22 So you just take in three pieces strips of paper
07:28 and you've tape them together.
07:30 All right, so now your complaining to Merlin.
07:33 So what I did is I really judged what kind of parent she was.
07:38 And I kind of held that against her for a little while
07:41 I was little concerned about
07:42 the child coming over again and--
07:47 I am laughing because we've got,
07:49 you know, we've just moved into house recently
07:52 and I've got my brother-in-law and sister-in-law coming
07:56 and my--his daughter my niece
07:59 and her little two year old Terra
08:01 that they say you got beg for your house I don't think.
08:07 Well, the bottom-line is while I am thinking
08:09 of what kind of mom she is I am thinking
08:12 what a perfect mother I am going to be of course.
08:15 I am heavy with child but I am going to be the perfect mother.
08:20 We'll guess again, we have these visions
08:23 of how we're going to do everything so right
08:26 in my own insecurities what you think I start doing.
08:28 Well, I started measuring myself against other parents
08:32 and whenever they made a blurb
08:34 I was well, I would never do that.
08:35 Of course, I would never do that, you know.
08:39 And what is your true experience,
08:41 if you look back on the history.
08:42 And the true experience is
08:43 I would hate to have you talk to my boys.
08:45 They can tell you lot of mistakes I made
08:48 and how I could I've done things so differently.
08:50 So what I am doing I am just cutting
08:52 all of these just like this
08:54 she saw me tape them and so we have--
08:55 So you just took three strips paper together
08:58 and now you just cutting in circle
08:59 for make it two circles.
09:01 Yes, so as I cut this one I'll show you, okay.
09:04 I will just take the part and will see.
09:07 And the point this is that things are not always
09:10 how we perceive them, all right.
09:12 So here I've just cut this. Right.
09:14 You see we have two pieces here, okay.
09:16 Now you saw me cut the others
09:17 I kind of put them in my lap
09:19 but look what happen when I cut this one.
09:22 This didn't come in two pieces.
09:24 This is just one long piece
09:27 and then I cut this one and look at this.
09:32 Here's too length together.
09:34 That's great trick this is--kids would love this.
09:38 Wouldn't they, so you know what my point is
09:41 in this little visual that we look at something
09:44 it looks a particular way to us we make a--form a opinion.
09:49 We expect something, we expect an outcome.
09:51 That's right and we speculate how it's going to be.
09:55 But things are not always as they appear.
09:58 Amen. Okay.
10:00 So with your children you found
10:05 that your experience was you are not a perfect mother.
10:08 I wasn't a perfect mother.
10:09 I would like to see if there just one of you out there
10:11 if could raise your hands I was a perfect mother.
10:14 Its--you can't have an imperfect person
10:17 doing something for the first time around
10:19 or the second time you may have nine children.
10:22 But it's so easy for us, you know,
10:25 to look at someone else and think I'll never do that.
10:29 I had a friend come to me once and she said,
10:32 she was talking about someone she said,
10:33 the worse thing about her just she such gossip
10:37 and I cracked up laughing
10:39 because she sitting here gossiping
10:41 and being critical about this women
10:43 and I cracked up laughing.
10:44 And she said why you are laughing?
10:47 And I said what we're doing right now?
10:50 This isn't gossip and then we're, you know,
10:52 you criticizing her for that.
10:55 You know, our own attitudes are most judgmental
10:59 when we're forgiveness.
11:01 That's true.
11:02 And it could be unforgiveness even towards ourselves
11:07 and I--you know, I don't thing that this thing
11:10 about forgiving ourself is really biblical
11:12 because if we walk in the glory of Jesus forgiveness
11:16 that's I mean don't see anything scripture
11:18 that really says we suppose to forgive ourselves
11:19 but something we've talk about lot in the world now
11:22 you need to forgive yourself.
11:23 The real issue is we need to accept Jesus
11:25 forgiveness and cleansing.
11:26 But when we're walking in unforgiveness
11:29 we're most judgmental about other people,
11:32 we're most apt to measure ourselves
11:36 against what other people do
11:37 so that we feel better about ourselves
11:39 when we're feeling inadequate.
11:41 And as we're measuring ourselves against other people
11:43 we becoming more, more critical of others
11:45 because we thing that makes as we look better.
11:49 And I think--
11:50 Because we can do this better so that's--
11:52 I think that's part of it there root of insecurity
11:55 that when people I find that the people
11:57 who talk most about other people
12:00 are very insecure inside of themselves.
12:02 Because the more you feel-- the more you know
12:05 who you are in Christ the more you know
12:08 feel good about yourself and I am not talking about
12:10 going by feelings but the more you are have selfish--
12:15 not selfish assurance, Christ assurance
12:18 then you not as critical and judgmental.
12:21 That's right, that's right.
12:23 I'd like, I'd like our viewers to look at a picture
12:25 that they are gonna put up on the screen right now
12:27 for a just minute and as the question.
12:31 Viewers what do you see there? What do you see on the screen?
12:34 A white paper with a black dot.
12:36 Okay, so probably you are going to say
12:39 generally people responses I see a black dot.
12:43 Okay, you can take the down now.
12:45 The truth is there was a huge expansive white
12:48 but what do we focus on.
12:50 Okay. We focus on the spot.
12:52 Focus on the-- You've got it and we do that--
12:56 The old story about windshield and the bug
12:58 on the windshield, right, okay.
13:00 So we need realize that we're all
13:02 at varying degrees of life and spiritual growth
13:08 and we really need to give each other grace.
13:11 We need to give each the opportunity to make mistakes
13:15 and flub up and be there do encourage
13:19 and support one another.
13:20 And I used to be terribly judgmental and critical
13:24 and I came to God one day and said,
13:26 you know, I don't like this.
13:27 I don't like me like this.
13:29 Can you please help me?
13:31 And the Lord, you know,
13:33 the Lord likes that kind of prayer I'll tell you.
13:35 He doesn't want us to be that way with each other.
13:38 So God has given me eyes that really see the good in people
13:42 and I can look at a person even that's down and out
13:45 and God just shows me their goodness.
13:47 And I just take that as an incredible gift
13:50 from God, an incredible gift.
13:53 We don't realize how much our judgments of other people
13:58 affect their life, affect even who they are.
14:03 And we don't realize how much it affects us aside
14:05 from even what we open with Matthew Chapter 7
14:09 "That judge not should be not judge."
14:11 One time the Lord really impresses upon me
14:13 while I was praying that a judgmental spirit
14:17 is a spirit of self-exaltation
14:20 and you know who that's taking after.
14:24 We're modeling our self after Satan
14:27 who exalted himself and judgmental spirit against God.
14:30 And that's what we're doing.
14:31 We're exalting ourselves when we're judging others.
14:34 It's kind of like you were saying,
14:36 I will be better mother than that.
14:38 And when we do that we're actually condemning ourselves.
14:41 When we judge someone else in that kind of attitude
14:44 and attitude of bitterness or in attitude of--
14:48 Self-righteousness. Yes.
14:49 Self-righteous is exactly then we have condemned ourselves
14:53 and we will reap the rewards of that
14:55 and we have to know the consequences.
14:57 And there is no inner piece for people like that.
15:02 So how do we get beyond this point, Derry?
15:04 If you're counseling with me and you recognize
15:07 when I lock in the door that this is person
15:11 who's miserable inside.
15:12 Just all of like there's acid that's just bumbling
15:16 over in a critical and I am judging others.
15:18 What would you say to me?
15:20 Well, the first thing I want to work on
15:22 is your forgiveness issues.
15:24 Because when we're carrying all this unforgiveness around
15:27 that's when we have all the resentment
15:28 and all the bitterness.
15:30 That really is the bottom-line.
15:32 And to remember who is the judge,
15:36 who is the judge scripture in Ecclesiastes 12:14 says
15:38 "For God will bring every deed into judgment,
15:41 including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."
15:44 God will bring those things to lightness.
15:47 We don't need to bring them to light for each.
15:49 You know, life is tough we have a lot of challenges
15:53 into today's world
15:54 and if we would come along side each other
15:57 and encourage one another and left each other up
16:00 and pray blessings upon one another instead of pick,
16:03 pick, pick, pick, you know
16:06 which is so destructive to ourselves into each other.
16:09 I mean, how much happy would we all be really.
16:11 I'd like to read just little story here.
16:14 This is--this came from Christian journal
16:17 and was about woman that had bitterness
16:20 and she was explaining why she didn't believe in God.
16:24 And her complaint went something like this.
16:27 "Don't come talk to me of God,
16:29 come to my door with religious pamphlets,
16:32 or ask me whether I'm saved.
16:34 Hell holds no threat more agonizing
16:36 than the harsh reality of my own life.
16:39 I swear to you that the fires of hell seem
16:41 more inviting than the bone-deep cold of my own life.
16:44 And don't talk to me of church.
16:47 What does the church know of my despair-barricaded
16:50 behind its stained-glass windows against the likes of me?
16:53 I once sought repentance and community within your walls,
16:57 but I saw your God reflected in your faces
17:00 as you turned away from the likes of me.
17:03 Forgiveness was never given me.
17:05 The healing love that I sought was carefully
17:07 hoarded, reserved for your own kind.
17:10 So be gone from me and speak no more of God.
17:13 I've seen your God made manifest in you
17:15 and he is a God without compassion.
17:19 So long as your God with holds the warmth
17:21 of human touch from me, I shall remain an unbeliever."
17:25 You know that just broke my heart
17:28 the first time I read that I was truly interiors
17:32 and I though we have no idea what affect we have on people
17:38 even, even with the person for example
17:41 that is in our presence that we are so busy,
17:45 so distracted that we don't even acknowledge
17:48 their very being, their presence
17:50 and the statement of that says to them
17:53 that you are not there you aren't here.
17:58 And one of the nicest things we can do is validate
18:00 each other in a positive way.
18:02 I once heard someone I was actually
18:06 at kind of train the trainer's type camp.
18:08 And my mother was in intensive care
18:13 and I had been with her for two weeks
18:16 and they brought her at on the medical floor
18:18 and I have been chosen from a number of people around
18:22 the United States to go this camp
18:23 and I went and I am just an agony
18:27 but I'm having to put forward this wonderful face.
18:31 In at one point they were having us all just give
18:34 little sound bits, little message of encouragement,
18:38 motivational something and parading us across the stage.
18:42 And the man right in front of me
18:45 was repeating a line I believe that Dale Carnegie coined.
18:49 And he said "Treat everyone as if their heart
18:52 is breaking because it probably is."
18:55 Where here I've been trying to hold all
18:57 this heartbreak back and he says this
18:59 I mean, the tears you know I am try to like keep it all together
19:03 so I can go right next and say my little motivational tidbit.
19:07 But I never forgotten that at moment
19:09 and there's time that you may walk into
19:14 that you are at service station
19:15 and you go into the shop there to get something
19:18 and someone may be so rude to you
19:21 and you can take fits or you know,
19:24 if or not easy we could or we can judge that person
19:27 and think oh, boy, that would just, you know,
19:29 its obvious there are just here for a paycheck.
19:31 They need better people skills.
19:33 But we don't know is that they may have had a horrible
19:37 argument with their spouse that day,
19:39 they may be a facing eviction from their home.
19:43 We don't know their heartaches.
19:45 They could have just gotten a life-threatening disease,
19:48 diagnoses, someone they love
19:50 may be in the hospital facing death.
19:52 I mean, we don't know what the other person is going through.
19:55 You know, when you talking about this article how sad this is.
19:57 There is a cycle here too because here this women
20:02 did not receive, they were judging her,
20:04 so she not only judge then may be rightfully
20:08 so they have how they were acting
20:09 but she judged God by how they were acting.
20:15 That reminds me in the scripture of 2 Corinthians 3:3
20:17 that we are a letter written on the heart by God,
20:22 by the Holy Spirit and sometimes
20:24 we're the only letter from God that people get to read.
20:29 So sad story though.
20:31 You've asked me what can we do about this.
20:34 And I think one of things that probably was most effective
20:38 from me in dealing with is my own life
20:41 was to come before God and ask God
20:44 the prayer of David actually in Psalms
20:46 "Search me, O God, and know my heart,
20:49 know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me,
20:52 and lead me in the way everlasting."
20:55 You know, who of us really can understand our errors.
20:59 I think it's really important to have
21:01 accountability friends, in your life
21:03 people that know your heart,
21:05 people that know how you want to be for Jesus,
21:08 people that are willing to call you on those things
21:12 that we do that would not properly reflect
21:14 the character of God, that would lovingly
21:17 just take you and say, you know,
21:19 I know that this is gonna be hard for me to say to you
21:23 but I know you would want to know
21:25 because I know how much you love Jesus and want to be like Him.
21:28 That this is how you coming across when you do this.
21:31 That's good. So--
21:33 We all could you accountability--
21:34 And do you know it's hard it's hard
21:37 to be an accountability partner that is willing
21:39 to risk relationship to talk hard truth like that.
21:44 But to me that is the deepest love
21:47 we can give to each others that kind of honesty.
21:50 The wounds of friend or better than the kiss of the enemy.
21:52 That's right. That' right.
21:56 We need to come before Jesus and we need to confess
21:59 that this is an issue with us.
22:01 And we may need to make right some wrongs
22:05 of some judgments we've made that really affected people.
22:07 Maybe not those things we said in our own heart
22:10 that people don't know of.
22:11 We don't want hurt others.
22:13 But the may be times we need to make these kind of confessions
22:15 and to make right and start life over again with the clean slate.
22:22 Symptoms for inner peace would include
22:24 a loss of interest in judging self.
22:26 So, before we jump to that what you are saying
22:29 is that when we give up this judgmental spirit,
22:34 when we give up the critical spirit
22:36 we're going to find this inner peace.
22:40 Exactly, thank you for bring me back.
22:42 So--so I just want to make sure that
22:43 because when you say sessions
22:45 I was expecting you to say something bad
22:48 like it was a sickness this inner peace
22:50 but you are saying when we finally get to that point
22:53 here's how we recognize.
22:54 And we will know that this is happened with in us
22:57 when we get to the point where we have surrender
22:59 this judgmental or critical attitude
23:03 and that would be lots of interest in judging ourselves.
23:07 Ouch. See I'm still very judgmental of myself.
23:11 That's I've try not to be others
23:13 who have I can be pretty harsh of myself sometimes.
23:18 God wants us to be women of excellence.
23:21 But it's not for us to try to be perfect
23:24 God we work that out in our life
23:26 and help us to grow if we're trying so hard to be perfect
23:32 then where people that are trying hard to be in control
23:34 with people full of fear where people full of all
23:36 of these criticism and judgment.
23:39 But if you take the breath and just say Jesus I love you.
23:43 Here I am do whatever you need to with me today.
23:46 Show me what You need to show me,
23:47 grow me where You need to grow me
23:49 and let the Lord be about the work.
23:51 We can move forward in peace and absolute contempt
23:54 that knowing that we surrender to God
23:56 and today we'll just do the best we can.
23:59 We will be a woman of excellence
24:01 with all the gifts that God has given.
24:03 And, you know, my excellence may be down here
24:06 yours may be up here but we'll give it all to got
24:10 because we want to be excellent woman for Jesus.
24:13 I think the only time I'm really harsh on myself
24:15 and I think thank you about this.
24:16 I've come a long way but boy, if I know
24:20 that I've really disappointed someone
24:21 or I've done something that is
24:23 and may be that's not being harsh on myself.
24:25 May be that's just godly so coming on me
24:27 if I feel like I've done something
24:29 that doesn't reflect the Lord.
24:31 That it's so disappointing to me
24:33 because I know how much I've disappointed Him.
24:35 Oh, well, I think that's different.
24:36 I think that's a true sorrow and a true remorse, you know,
24:39 for just like you said.
24:43 Not reflecting Christ in the way that we would want to.
24:45 Hey, we have just a couple of minutes left
24:48 tell us some more inner peace symptoms.
24:50 Okay, other symptoms of inner peace
24:52 would be also losing an interest in judging others.
24:55 A loss of interest in conflict
24:57 and loss of interest in interpreting actions of others.
25:04 So those would be like the four mainland's
25:07 and you know, I would like to tell a story here.
25:11 To kind of close our time together.
25:14 Several years ago, many years ago actually
25:17 when I was doing homeschooling and had my house four children.
25:22 There was a knock at the door around 11:30 at night
25:25 and this little grandma pushed her granddaughter in.
25:28 She was raising her granddaughter
25:30 and she pushed her little granddaughter in the door
25:32 and said you can have her, I cannot deal with her anymore,
25:37 and she slid her suitcase across the entry.
25:39 This is at 11:30 at night.
25:41 Little girl is there with her arms just, you know,
25:43 and she's just trampling and she is crying and--
25:46 How old was she? She was about 13-14.
25:51 And grandma shut the door and walked away
25:54 and I stood there looking at this little girl
25:55 thinking oh, my Lord.
25:58 What am I going to do with you?
26:01 So I just said, honey, why don't you upstairs
26:03 and take the first room on the left
26:05 and I'll be up in just a moment.
26:07 And I stood in my entry saying
26:09 Lord, give me words to say to this child.
26:13 I don't know what I'm going to do with her either.
26:17 And I went upstairs and I walked into here room
26:21 and I said, sweetheart you and I
26:23 don't have much history together.
26:27 And you have come into my home now
26:29 to live for we don't know how long
26:32 and I just want you to know that
26:33 tomorrow morning when you get up
26:36 you can be anyone you ever wanted to be.
26:41 And Shelley, we forget I think,
26:44 that that's how does with Jesus
26:46 that everyday, every moment for that matter
26:49 can be a time of new beginnings
26:52 and that we can be whatever it is for her Lord.
26:55 So whether its having to overcome a judgmental
27:00 or critical attitude-- actually no matter what
27:03 our weakness or what it is in our lives
27:05 that we would like not to be like.
27:09 We can start our way to Jesus. Amen.
27:11 Derry, thank you so much for being here today.
27:14 The time has run by very rapidly
27:16 but I believe we really learned something.
27:18 Thank you for sharing.
27:19 It was lovely to be here. It was.
27:21 Now for those of you at home please
27:24 let this be your take home point is that with God,
27:28 Lamentations 3:22, 23 says,
27:30 His mercies are new every morning
27:33 for his compassions fail not.
27:35 He is the God of new beginnings
27:38 and if you got a judgmental spirit or critical spirit
27:42 the practically one in the same all you have to do is
27:45 go to God and say remove this from me.
27:47 I want the inner peace that she has been talking about.
27:50 Thank you, so much for joining us
27:52 and may God bless you richly.
27:54 Bye-bye for now.