Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Gordon and Waveney Martinborough
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000290
00:30 Welcome to Issues and Answers. My name is J.D. Quinn.
00:34 I always like to start off with a scripture, so we are going to
00:37 go to Hebrews 12:6 and the first part.
00:40 "For whom the Lord loves He disciplines. "
00:43 We're glad to be here today and we have some special guests
00:49 from Orlando, Florida. This is Gordon & Waveny Martinborough
00:53 from Orlando, Florida. We're just glad that you are here
00:57 with us today. We have an exciting topic:
00:59 How to be an Effective Parent.
01:01 But before we start on this particular topic, I'd like to
01:04 know a little bit about you and I know the people out in our
01:07 congregation would. So Gordon, why don't we start with you?
01:13 Okay, I am Gordon and my whole life has been as a minister of
01:19 the gospel serving as a district pastor, a conference president,
01:24 a union president, division vice president. We have served the
01:29 church in various responsibilities. But through
01:32 it all, we have two passions that I carry. One is family
01:39 life and the other is evangelism We have been keeping those two
01:46 going through thick and thin. Forty-four years ago I was
01:51 married to this lady. Between us God has blessed us with three
01:58 children. They're grown now, Esther, Samuel and John and she
02:04 will tell you a little more about herself.
02:06 I am Waveny Martinborough and I am an educator by profession.
02:11 Actually I have taught in the different levels: preschool,
02:15 elementary school, high school and college, which is now a
02:22 university. For the past 10 years, however, I have worked in
02:25 Interamerican Division as the first Women's Ministries
02:29 Director for that division as well as director for
02:33 Family Ministries.
02:35 Officially we are now retired.
02:37 Amen. And you have been retired for how long?
02:40 Just a year and a half. We have been developing Happy Family
02:44 Bible Seminars which is a self supporting ministry with a focus
02:50 on family working in leadership, pastors' families,
02:55 and working in education, seminars for churches and
02:58 working in evangelism, family life evangelism. We have
03:04 developed, the Lord has inspired us to develop a wealth of
03:06 resources that could be reached at our web site.
03:10 Our web site is www. happyfamilybsi. com
03:20 Our 800 number is 800-291-3060.
03:27 There we can access more than 50 seminars that are available
03:33 including this one that we are presenting.
03:35 I know that I have read part of one of your books and you can
03:40 tell that lots of thought has gone into this. It's really
03:43 fantastic. Well, let's talk about how to be an effective
03:47 All right. First of all we need to point out that parenting is
03:51 the most difficult job in the world. It's 24/7.
03:55 And yet it's a job for which we get no training, no preparation.
04:02 So it behooves us to read all we can, to study all we can, so
04:10 that we can prepare ourselves for this important
04:17 And you know, as parents we do many things for our children.
04:24 We feed them, we clothe them, we do a lot things for them.
04:29 But, you know, the two big issues of parenting are
04:33 #1 Love and the other is discipline and it depends on
04:39 how we balance these two seemingly opposite issues, how
04:48 we balance it. Four styles emerge and those are the styles
04:53 that we are going to look at.
04:54 Okay, we're going to talk about four styles then.
04:56 We are going to talk of four styles and the we will talk of
04:58 three secrets. So there are seven points we are covering.
05:02 Okay, style #1, pattern #1 is the authoritarian parent.
05:09 The authoritarian parent is a parent who is high on rules
05:14 but low on love. This the parent where in this home rules are
05:25 more important than relationships. The parent is
05:29 very strict and any deviation from those rules carries
05:34 terrible consequences and there are a lot of us who grew up with
05:39 that kind of parent. On the other hand, love is not
05:43 expressed. This is the parent that does not hug the child,
05:46 doesn't tell the child how much he is or she is loved. So the
05:53 kid grows up with fear, never being certain if what he is
05:57 doing is right or wrong, trying to please the parent. That kid
06:01 grows up with low self-esteem because he is not sure of
06:04 himself. He has not been affirmed. Many of those children
06:11 when they grow up, they reject the parents' values, because
06:14 they don't like that kind of spirit. So they throw both the
06:19 style and the values and everything in the garbage can.
06:23 I would imagine socially that they're inept, too.
06:26 Yes, that's right. The Bible has an example for
06:31 each style of parenting and the example for this kind of
06:37 parent is King Saul. In 1 Samuel 14 we have the story where Saul
06:42 was going to battle and he made a note that nobody is to eat
06:49 anything until the battle is won. I don't know how he
06:51 expected the soldiers to fight without food, but that was the
06:56 covenant he made. But he was afraid to fight. His son,
07:01 Jonathan, went out, won the battle, did not hear the
07:06 father's oath, took some honey and Saul said, You shall surely
07:12 die Jonathan. The people had to rescue the son from the father.
07:16 This was a father high on rules, low on love. God's counsel to
07:24 such parents is found in Colossians 3:21. It says
07:30 Fathers do not provoke your children to anger lest they
07:36 become discouraged. That's the first style.
07:40 The second style is the opposite of the first style. The second
07:50 style says, A permissive parent: And this style is high on love,
08:00 but low on rules or low on discipline. You see, that parent
08:06 might have been in an an authoritarian childhood.
08:14 So when he grows up he wants to change over and this time now
08:19 he swings just to the opposite and becomes permissive because
08:25 he wants his child now to have a high self-esteem and so he
08:30 loves the child, but then there are no rules. No rules are put
08:36 in place, they are not enforced or anything. The child grows
08:41 up now without any rules, grows up self-sufficient. He is
08:47 without control. Nobody can tell him anything, nobody can tell
08:52 her anything. That's the result of a child growing up in a
08:58 permissive home.
09:00 Who is an example?
09:02 An example is Priest Eli and we know the sad story. He was a
09:08 Godly man, but yet he failed to train his children. As a matter
09:14 of fact, 1 Samuel 3:13 says he failed. They were wicked, but
09:20 he did not restrain them, no rules or anything like that.
09:27 God's counsel to such a parent is from Proverbs 13:24
09:34 It says, if you love your son, if you love your daughter, well
09:39 then, you need to discipline that child.
09:42 The third style is the worst one. This is the neglectful
09:48 parent. The neglectful parent is low on love and low on law.
09:54 Doesn't do either of them. This child grows up like an
09:59 orphan. He is not loved, probably not wanted, and
10:06 of course, there are no rules, no discipline and the prisons
10:12 are full of such children who have grown up to be adults.
10:18 If nobody loves me, I love nobody, I hate the world.
10:24 This is the worse style of parenting. An example of that is
10:30 King Ahaz. The Bible says in 2 Kings 16:3, that he caused
10:37 his children to pass through the fire, no love, and of course no
10:42 discipline. God's counsel to such a parent in found in
10:48 Matthew 18:10. It says, Take heed that you do not despise
10:54 one of these little ones, because their angel is taking
11:00 note of how you are treating the kid.
11:02 The fourth style, this the last style. This one is the
11:09 authoritaTIVE parent. It's different to authoriTARIAN.
11:16 This authoritative parent now is high on love as well as high on
11:23 rules or discipline. So he gives lots of love as well as
11:28 discipline whenever it is needed and that is the style
11:32 that we need to adopt.
11:36 Do you have an example?
11:39 An example is Abraham, good old faithful Abraham. Genesis 18:19
11:45 tells us that he had rules in his home and for his servants,
11:51 his son. Then Genesis 22:2 tells us that he loved Isaac dearly.
11:58 So it's rules and discipline, both will help your child to
12:03 grow up in a way that is pleasing, and he will be happy
12:08 too because you will be happy.
12:10 So these are the four styles. By the way, we don't have to be
12:15 a parent to have one of those styles. Every person has one of
12:19 those styles because we don't get the style when we get a
12:24 baby. We are that style before we became the parents. So we
12:29 need to examine what is our style and make the change that
12:34 is necessary to get to the ideal style. Having looked at those
12:42 four styles, then we want to look at three secrets.
12:47 What can we do in order to become the right type of a
12:54 parent? The first secret is that different children need
12:59 different methods of discipline. We have said that we must
13:05 discipline. But not every child should be disciplined the
13:09 same way. Unfortunately there are some parents who know one
13:13 style of discipline and that is all they do and most times it's
13:18 a bad style. There are different styles and scripture gives us
13:24 guidance and examples of these different ways of discipline.
13:30 The first one is communication. Just talk to the child, reason
13:37 with the kid. Say why this behavior is not desirable and
13:44 why this behavior is desirable. Because there are many children
13:48 that will change if we reason with them intelligently.
13:53 God uses that in dealing with his wayward son Balaam.
13:58 Remember Balaam wanted to go get that money and God kept telling
14:04 him that's not the way to go. Then when Balaam still went here
14:10 God used a donkey to communicate with him. And did
14:14 you notice, the stupid man talked back to the donkey.
14:21 But here God was using communication, and that is the
14:27 first step we should take. Sometimes that works, sometimes
14:30 it doesn't work, so we have to try something else. Another
14:36 method is consequences. Consequences says let the child
14:41 suffer the natural consequences or the logical consequences
14:46 without parental intervention.
14:48 As long as it doesn't endanger the child.
14:51 That's right and God used that with David with Bathsheba
15:01 and then he took the life of Uriah and God said, you have
15:07 taken Uriah with the sword. The sword shall never depart from
15:13 your house. Consequences. So in a little while Absalom his son
15:18 took up the sword on the father. Of course, God could have
15:23 intervened but God said, no I'm not intervening. David must
15:29 suffer the consequences of his behavior. He was forgiven but he
15:35 still suffered the consequences. Another method of discipline is
15:41 withholding privileges, withhold for a period, something that the
15:48 parent has control of. God used that with his son Moses when
15:56 Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to the rock, God then
16:02 said, I was going to allow you the privilege of taking Israel
16:07 into the promised land, but I'm withholding that privilege.
16:11 You remember in Deuteronomy Moses pleaded, but Lord one
16:15 thing you... The Lord said, Let's not talk about that
16:18 anymore. You are not going in there. But of course, God still
16:24 in his mercy allowed him to enter that promised land 1,500
16:29 years after when he came down to comfort the Lord Jesus before
16:34 the crucifixion. One more method of discipline,
16:38 and this is the one that many folk grew up with and that's
16:43 corporal correction. In some countries that is not
16:48 permissible and in other countries that's the norm.
16:52 Corporal correction has it's place and God used that with
16:55 the apostle Paul. Paul had what he called a thorn in the flesh.
17:01 That's pain in his body. That's corporal. And he asked God to
17:05 take it away. God said, No I'm not taking it away. That's your
17:08 discipline; but I'm going to bear it with you and I'm going
17:12 to give you strength to bear it. My grace is sufficient for you.
17:17 So corporal correction has it's place, but if ever administered,
17:23 it should be the last means of working with the kid.
17:28 There is one other method of discipline; it sometime is not
17:33 looked at as discipline, but it is, and that is to reward right
17:37 behavior. Not only should we take care of the kid when the
17:42 behavior is wrong, but when the behavior is right, reward the
17:47 kid. Because any behavior that is rewarded is reinforced and
17:52 will be repeated. So this first secret is saying, you have
17:57 a whole menu of options on how to discipline. Choose the best
18:03 one according to the nature of your child, according to what
18:10 was done wrong or right. This is a variety and the whys and
18:15 how you administer the type to the kid. That is the first
18:20 secret of the three secrets.
18:22 All right, the second secret says, discipline with love.
18:26 You know, there are two ways that we can discipline.
18:30 We can discipline with anger. When we do that, we say things
18:39 that are hurtful and we would wish to take back, but the words
18:47 are already out there. So you call the child any name, you
18:52 know, you dummy why did you do such a thing? You know. Or if
18:58 you are using corporal punishment, you might pick up
19:01 equipment, a piece of instrument that would damage the child
19:09 and abuse, that would be an abuse, so we need to discipline
19:16 with love instead of anger. That's how God disciplines us.
19:22 He disciplines us with love. Hebrews, and that is the text
19:29 you read at the beginning, Hebrews 12:6 tells us that
19:34 Whom the Lord loves he disciplines and he disciplines
19:39 us with love.
19:41 There is one more secret and that is to give to the child
19:48 unconditional love. We are talking of discipline and we are
19:54 talking of love, you know. There are a lot of parents who love
19:59 the child conditionally, and when the behavior is good, Oh
20:04 I love you, I'm so proud of you but if the behavior is bad
20:09 you don't hear anything about love, you know. Some folk think
20:14 that if I express the love that will reinforce the bad behavior.
20:19 No. That is time the kid needs to know that he is loved.
20:23 He knows he is wrong, he knows that. So unconditional love says
20:32 I hate what you are doing or what you have done, but I still
20:39 love you. And there's is nothing you can do that will make me
20:45 stop loving you and that's powerful.
20:49 And that's the way God looks at us, you know.
20:52 He hates the sin but he loves the sinner.
20:55 That's right. He says in Jeremiah 31:3, I love you with
21:02 and everlasting love, and that's unconditional.
21:06 In that beloved story of the prodigal boy, that's why the
21:13 boy came back home. Because he knew there was unconditional
21:18 love in the Father's heart and that even though he had messed
21:23 up his life, he would still be welcome back because that love
21:29 is without condition. And that is the love that we should
21:35 manifest to our children
21:37 In my family, that's the way we grew up. My father and mother
21:40 which I was very fortunate to have a father and mother to
21:45 raise both of us, you know. But it was always given to us,
21:50 listen, our responsibility is to educate you and then to get you
21:55 out of the nest. But we always want you to know one thing,
21:59 that our home is always open to you no matter how good, how bad
22:03 things may be. Well, boy, that's a precious feeling. You know,
22:07 it's kind of your ace in the hole as you might say, because
22:10 you can always come home if you have to, and there are always
22:14 situations that you would have never dreamed of, you know, that
22:17 may take you back home, you know, but it's a wonderful
22:19 feeling and certainly gives you an insight of how the Lord
22:22 loves us.
22:23 Yes, you're fortunate to have had that kind of home. There are
22:28 some kids that have a hard time saying the Lord's Prayer, Our
22:34 Father, because father is a bad word in their experience. So
22:39 fathers and mothers, we stand in the place of God to our kids and
22:46 that's why we have to deal with both the love
22:48 and the discipline.
22:49 Well you know, going back over these, especially on this
22:53 authoritarian, high on rules and low on love, you know, as baby
22:57 boomers. Most of our parents had to work really hard. They
23:00 had to get out there with their nose to the grindstone and
23:04 because maybe they did not have very much, they overcompensated.
23:08 You know, and then they spoil their children. Of course, then
23:13 they spoil their children and you know, you got to cut that
23:17 card someplace. There is such a thing as tough love. How does
23:21 tough love fit into this? I mean I know that with drugs there is
23:26 a lot of drug activity going on out there right now and the
23:29 parents have no idea how to handle the situation. Of course
23:32 sitting back here you say well you know you ought to do
23:36 A, B, C, and D. Shelly and I had no children, but we've
23:40 certainly told my brother and sister how to raise theirs.
23:43 You see. I'll never forget, my brother kept correcting me.
23:47 He said, J.D., bless your heart, you have no children. You don't
23:51 know what that unconditional love is. I mean, after he told
23:55 me maybe 100 times I finally woke up to that fact. You know,
23:59 every situation is different. Why don't we
24:04 review these real quick? Is that all right, Gordon?
24:07 Yes. Before reviewing, them we want to remind the folk that
24:11 this is a mini version of the larger seminar because our
24:16 seminars run for an hour and those seminars are available
24:20 on our web site: www. happyfamilybsi. com.
24:28 and our toll free number is 800-291-3060
24:36 There are more than 50 seminars available there for leaders, for
24:41 the church, for the community, of which this is a mini version
24:46 of one of them. In this seminar, we have looked at four parenting
24:54 styles. The first was the authoritarian, the one high on
25:00 rules and low on love which creates problem children.
25:05 Yes, and I remember, you know, whenever what's been brought
25:09 to my attention is rules without relationships yield
25:16 That's a great statement.
25:17 It is a great statement and it is so true, and that would fit
25:19 into that style #1.
25:24 The second style is the permissive, which is opposite to
25:27 authoritarian. This one is high on love, lots of love, but no
25:32 rules, no discipline, and that is not good; it affects the
25:37 child in the end.
25:38 The third is the neglectful parent who is low on rules, low
25:45 on love. These kids are prime candidates for criminal
25:50 activity. So that's a no no.
25:52 And the last style is the authoritative and this one is
25:59 high on love, lots of love, as well as discipline when it is
26:05 This kind of takes us back to Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord
26:09 loves, he disciplines. Amen.
26:14 Then we did the three secrets, and the first secret was there
26:19 is a menu of options how to discipline the child. Choose the
26:24 right one that matches the child that God has given you.
26:29 The second secret is when you discipline,
26:33 discipline with love.
26:36 And finally, give unconditional love to your child.
26:40 This is good stuff, you know. This is just good how to be an
26:46 effective parent. Why don't we go to the Lord and let's have
26:51 a short prayer? Is that all right, Gordon?
26:53 Sure. Dear God, we are reminded that you are our father and we
27:00 are your children and we want to pattern our parenting after
27:07 you. So we ask that you will give us wisdom to parent our
27:12 children like you parent us. We thank you in Jesus name. Amen
27:18 Amen, Amen. I just want to thank both of you for coming all the
27:23 way from Orlando, Florida to share this information with
27:26 us. I speak on behalf of 3ABN, we appreciate it.
27:30 I know that the Lord has exciting days ahead of you for
27:34 this type of information.
27:35 Thank you, J.D. We've enjoyed being here and our prayer is
27:41 that parents will use this information for the benefit
27:46 of their families.
27:48 Thank you for sharing this time with us and may
27:53 God richly bless you.