Issues and Answers

Marital Conflicts! How To Resolve.

Three Angels Broadcasting Network

Program transcript

Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Gordon and Waveney Martinborough


Series Code: IAA

Program Code: IAA000289

00:29 Welcome to Issues and Answers. My name is J.D. Quinn.
00:34 I like to start each program out with a scripture, so let's
00:38 go to Romans 15:1-3a. "We then who are strong ought
00:43 to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please our
00:47 selves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good
00:51 leading to edification, for even Christ did not please
00:55 himself. " Amen. I'm excited today because I
01:00 have a special couple from Orlando, Florida. It's the
01:06 Martin-Burls, Gordon & Waveny. I just welcome you to our
01:09 program today. I know that we are going to be talking about
01:13 something that everyone would like to have a little bit more
01:17 information on and that is for resolving conflicts in marriage.
01:22 Can we take just a few minutes to tell who the both of you are?
01:27 Let's start with you, Gordon.
01:30 Okay, J.D., I am a Seventh-day Adventist pastor, have been
01:35 for more than 40 years. I have served the church in various
01:40 capacities, as a district pastor, as a departmental
01:44 director, administration at the conference level, at the union
01:48 level and at the division level. But through all of the years,
01:53 two things have been my obsession: One, family life
01:59 and, two, evangelism. That's where the passion is up to
02:04 today. Here's my wife Waveny. We have been married now for
02:10 44 years. And they are happy years. Every year gets sweeter
02:15 as the time goes by. She will tell you a little more about
02:20 herself.
02:21 Okay. I am Waveny Martin-Burl. My profession is education.
02:27 Actually I taught preschool, elementary school, high school,
02:32 and at college, which is now a university. But for the last 10
02:38 years, I worked in Interamerican Division as the first
02:42 Women's Ministries director. I also worked as the director for
02:48 family ministries right there at the division.
02:52 And we are now recently retired.
02:53 And you have been retired for how long?
02:56 Oh, just a year, year and a half.
02:59 Okay. So basically I am assuming 40 years with the conference.
03:04 Is that right?
03:05 Yes. It was with the organization at different
03:10 levels. Ten years at the Interamerican Division, head
03:13 office in Miami. We have moved North to Orlando where we are
03:18 continuing to do what we used to do for Interamerica, now it's
03:23 for the world. Our ministry is called Happy Family Bible
03:28 Seminars International and we have our web site that could be
03:34 accessed to see what we have to offer. It's
03:37 www. happyfamilybsi. com. We have a toll free number
03:47 800-291-3060. We serve the world. We are happy to be
03:57 here today.
03:59 Well, today our topic is Resolving Marital Issues.
04:04 Let's just start going down that road and just bring to
04:10 light what we need to do.
04:11 All right. The fact is that conflicts are inevitable.
04:17 We have them in the home, we have them on the job, in school,
04:20 in church, everywhere. But we are focusing on the family
04:24 right in this presentation. The family conflicts vary. Some folk
04:30 fight over little things, some fight over big things, some
04:35 fight over money, some fight over sex, some fight over
04:41 in-laws, some fight over rearing the children. Different people
04:46 have conflicts over different issues. But whatever they are,
04:51 they need to be resolved. Why? Because conflicts are like
04:56 termites. You leave the termites there, they don't die. They
05:01 eat away at your building. In the same way conflicts eat away
05:06 if they are married. So it dies. In order to make this
05:12 presentation practical we will be using a scenario and it's
05:17 about Bernard and his wife Alice. I will pretend to be
05:24 Bernard and she will pretend to be Alice. Bernard wants a
05:29 career change. He is tired of doing what he is doing so he
05:35 is going to classes at the university in the evening. He
05:40 is moving into information technology where the money is,
05:46 right? His wife Alice is an administrative assistant in an
05:50 office downtown. She comes home first, picks up the baby,
05:55 starts to prepare supper. Whenever Bernard comes he is
06:00 tired. He sits in his favorite chair watching TV, waiting for
06:04 supper. Well, the baby cries, but Bernard doesn't even hear
06:09 the baby. So his wife is cooking, taking care of the
06:13 baby, fixing this and that and she gets tired of that after a
06:18 while. But she doesn't say anything until today. Then
06:25 the baby screams. She loses everything and she was having
06:28 Bernard's favorite bowl to put his food in and she just smashes
06:33 it on the floor. So Bernard now is angry and he is calling her
06:37 bad names. She calls him worse names. So that is our scenario.
06:42 We are going to work through how can Alice and Bernard
06:47 resolve their conflict because these six steps that they should
06:52 take are the six steps that anyone should take to resolve
06:56 any conflict that we have.
06:59 So anyone that is out there, they probably need to get their
07:03 pencil and paper out quickly because these are important.
07:07 Because this sounds like a true life scenario
07:08 Well, let's go to Bernard and Alice.
07:13 All right. So the first step, we are going to look at the first
07:17 step and that says to speak wisely because we need to know
07:23 how to speak. There is a text for it: Colossians 4:6 and it
07:29 says... the apostle Paul tells us let your speech be always
07:34 with grace. Season it with salt so that you may know how to
07:40 answer. So for Alice to speak wisely she has to do four
07:46 things. #1- She needs to identify the problem, the
07:52 specific problem. The problem, of course, is the television;
07:57 he's looking at television. The second thing she needs to do is
08:03 to express her feelings. She probably was angry. That's a
08:09 feeling. She probably felt like a slave, doing everything. The
08:14 third thing she should do is to say what she wants because
08:18 Bernard cannot read her mind. But at the same time, she needs
08:23 to say what she wants. What she probably wants is for him to
08:29 help her either in the kitchen or with the baby. The fourth
08:34 thing is the most important of all of the four is that she
08:40 should begin with "I", using the pronoun "I" and not you.
08:48 Because you see when I say you I'm pointing the finger at you.
08:54 Right? and I'm blaming you for my feelings.
08:58 And making me angry.
09:00 Right. But when I say "I", I'm pointing the finger at me and
09:07 that reduces the tension and it promotes peace.
09:11 For example, what should she say?
09:16 She could say "You know, Bernard, I really have a problem
09:20 with this television. I am very angry with you. I really
09:25 need some help. I'm in the kitchen, I'm preparing the
09:31 dinner. I am taking care of the baby. I need some help Bernard.
09:36 All right, so we are saying that the first step for resolving a
09:42 conflict is not getting to the conflict. It's that the person
09:47 who has the conflict must know how to speak about it in a way
09:52 does not aggravate the other person and that is by using
09:59 "I" statements, speaking wisely. The second step is that the
10:07 person who is being spoken to should listen actively, and
10:15 actively is the important word. How he is to listen.
10:20 James 1:19 says "Wherefore my beloved brethren let everyone
10:26 be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. " The NIV says,
10:32 "be quick to listen. " In fact God has made us two ears and
10:38 only one tongue, and that's deliberate. We should learn to
10:43 listen. Now how should Bernard listen? Four things: There are
10:46 four steps for speaking, there are four steps for listening.
10:52 Step #1 is he should acknowledge what his wife is saying. That
10:56 means he should be looking at her when she is talking; good
11:00 eye contact, positive body language to let her know that
11:05 she has his attention. Put down the remote. Yeah, or the
11:10 newspaper or whatever. #2- He should interpret what she is
11:15 saying. You know, when she is talking, when anyone is talking.
11:21 The words we speak are only 7% of the message. The tone
11:28 of voice, that tone of voice, 38% of the message and the body
11:38 language is 55%. So when we speak of listening actively
11:42 we mean trying to get 100%. So he has to look, listen and try
11:49 to get how she is feeling. He is interpreting the message.
11:55 And after he acknowledges and interprets, then he needs to
12:01 confirm that he got the right message because he could be
12:06 getting the wrong message. Confirming is what the waiter in
12:12 a restaurant does when he takes your order. He repeats, tells
12:16 you back to make sure that he is going to do what you want
12:21 him to do. So Bernard should confirm that he did get the
12:26 message and he does so, point 4, by what we call a restatement.
12:31 A restatement is telling her back what she told him, but
12:36 using different words to let her know that I got what you said
12:41 and I got it straight, I got it correct. So for example,
12:49 Bernard's restatement would be "Alice so you are mad with me
12:56 for sitting in front of the television. You think that I am
13:02 a lazy man, not helping you as I should and you want me to
13:07 give you some help with the baby or with some other part of
13:13 the responsibilities there in the kitchen. So that is the
13:18 second step. The first step is she must know how to speak.
13:25 The second step is I must know how to listen. That brings us
13:31 to the third step.
13:32 The third step say now we need to exchange gracefully. And why
13:38 do we do that?
13:39 Well, we need to recognize that that also is a biblical
13:43 principle. And, J.D., in our seminar every point is biblical.
13:51 Every concept for family life is found in scripture. It is there.
13:58 The Bible says, Philippians 2:4 "Let each of you look out not
14:03 only for his own interests, but also for the interests of
14:09 others. " That is a powerful text. You see a problem is like
14:14 a dollar bill and how many sides does a dollar bill have?
14:20 Two sides. There is no money that has one side. So every
14:25 story has two sides. In fact, it has three sides. It has your
14:31 side, it has my side, and it has the right side. And the
14:39 right side is neither your side nor my side and you know that as
14:43 a counselor. The two people come and they tell you two
14:46 different stories and neither of them is 100% right. The truth is
14:53 somewhere in between. So up to now we have heard her side.
15:00 I was told don't talk, listen. But now that I am finished
15:07 listening and she is satisfied and her blood pressure is going
15:13 down, now is my time to talk. I am now the speaker with the
15:18 "I" statement and she will become a listener with the
15:23 restatement. So now I want to tell her, I am finally going to
15:30 tell her why I am sitting in front of the TV. "Alice, I am
15:34 sitting in front of this TV day after day because I am under a
15:37 lot of stress; on my job there is stress hour by hour and that
15:44 is why, as you know, I am trying to make a change in my career.
15:48 I am going to evening classes. But the problem is that
15:54 something isn't clicking there and I am failing the class
15:58 and it looks as if I will not be able to attain my goal. I have
16:06 stress in the day on the job, I have stress in the night and
16:09 between those two I need time, I need to relax,
16:14 I need time out and that is why I sit in front of the TV because
16:19 that provides me with some relaxation, some relaxation.
16:23 Now I have used the "I" statement, now I am telling her,
16:29 and she is going to use the restatement to tell me back what
16:34 I told her.
16:35 So Bernard you are saying that you have stress on the job;
16:41 that's why you want to go to night school. Then you also
16:44 said that you are failing your class. Oh. So there
16:56 is stress on the job and there is stress in your night school
17:03 and you seem as if your dream is just crumbling to the ground.
17:06 So that's why you need time to relax and that's why you look at
17:11 the television when you get home.
17:13 That's right, that's right. It is only now that we are
17:21 understanding one another. It is only now that we have been
17:24 communicating, telling what is on the inside and we would not
17:30 have been able to know that unless we open up. Now I
17:35 was there with my stress, but because I am mature, I don't
17:38 want to tell her that I have a problem, and she is mad with me
17:43 but she is bottling it up. We are now able to attack the
17:50 problem because now we understand the problem.
17:52 It's like when you go to the physician and you tell him you
17:57 vomited blood, he doesn't start writing a prescription, right?
18:04 He sends you to the lab, he takes a sample, he is testing.
18:10 And when he gets all the data in then he is ready to prescribe.
18:17 Communication is the diagnostic process before we can find a
18:26 cure. Sometimes it takes a long time. Sometimes she has to talk
18:31 again and I listen and I have to talk again and she listens and
18:34 we have to do that talking and listening, talking and listening
18:38 until we get to the bottom of the problem. When we understand
18:46 it, then we can move to the next step.
18:49 So the next step says, create a specific win/win solution. There
18:57 is a text for that, J.D. Romans 12:10 and it says,
19:03 Be kindly affectionate one to the other, in honor giving
19:10 preference to the other person. A tremendous text!
19:14 Now let's look at this specific win/win solution. Now specific
19:22 means that whatever solution we arrive at, it must say what he
19:29 should do, what Bernard should do, and it should say what Alice
19:33 should do. Win/win says that I should satisfy his needs and he
19:41 should satisfy my needs. So we sit in order to create a win/win
19:49 solution.
19:50 There are a lot of cases where it is a win/lose,
19:54 one is winning and one is losing.
19:56 But we are saying now it must be a win/win. Both
19:58 must get some of what we want. Do you have an example?
20:03 Yes. "So Bernard, how about this? Now I work with computers
20:12 on my job and I know about computers and I could help you
20:17 in the nights or before you go to class with your computer
20:21 assignment.
20:23 If you help me with my assignment my stress for the
20:31 night classes will be gone and I don't need to sit in front of
20:33 that TV anymore, so I will be able to help you with the baby.
20:37 In fact, I will even help you do the dishes.
20:39 Well that's okay too.
20:43 That's a win/win solution. She is getting some of what she
20:49 needs and I am getting some of what I need, some relaxation
20:52 and it is specific in what we are both to do.
20:57 Amen. That makes all the sense in the world.
21:00 All right. And now the last two steps.
21:03 Step #5 says, each say I am sorry. James 5:16 says:
21:19 "Confess your faults one to another. " And who should say
21:23 I'm sorry. Both of us because both of us hurt one another.
21:29 And who should say it first? Anyone. Sometimes we are waiting
21:35 on the other one. She says, you should say it first. No. Anyone
21:41 Well, that's when the Holy Spirit probably should lead one
21:44 of you to say it first if you're in tune with the Lord.
21:48 Usually whoever is more in touch with the Holy Spirit
21:51 will say it first. And after we have done that,
21:52 Okay and the final step says, pray with and pray for
21:56 each other. All right and James 5:16 also says,
22:02 not only to confess as well as to pray one for another that
22:07 you may be healed. Sometimes we think that healing refers
22:13 only to the physical healing, but, of course, there was more
22:18 healing to be done in this scenario. There is the
22:22 emotional part because we hurt each other. So we pray for each
22:27 other so that we can be healed. So we pray for pardon, we
22:32 pray for healing and we pray that God will bless the
22:38 solution, so that we can work it out together very good and
22:43 then we will have a happy relationship once again.
22:47 Well, these are the six steps for solving any problem.
22:52 Before we review them, we want to make our listeners aware that
22:58 this is a mini presentation, that is it is a smaller version
23:05 of the full presentation, which is an hour. We can come to your
23:10 church and do it or your pastor can be taught how to do it.
23:13 Just access our web site www. happyfamilybsi. com.
23:24 Our 800 number is 800-291-3060.
23:32 where you can access more than 50 seminars available for your
23:40 family, for your church and for your community.
23:44 Well this certainly is practical you know, I mean, this just
23:48 makes all the sense in the world and if families would follow
23:52 this particular scenario; this is a progressive process.
23:55 You know, I'm sure that it could make major changes in their
24:00 lives. Of course, the first thing they have to do is get
24:02 pride out of the way, you know, and they have to start some
24:06 place. It just depends on how bad they want it, because there
24:10 is no reason why... I mean this is so practical and just so
24:14 easy that if one of them will take that first step then this
24:18 certainly could work. Why don't we go back through and
24:20 review them again right quick.
24:22 All right. So the first step is
24:24 To speak wisely; know how to speak and follow those four
24:28 things, especially the last one, use "I". Begin with "I", not
24:34 "you" but "I".
24:36 The second step is the other person must learn how to listen,
24:41 not defend yourself, not explain anything at that point; just
24:46 listen actively. When you think you have understood what was
24:53 being said, then you use a restatement. That is, you
24:58 giving back what has been said in different words.
25:01 Well I know about acknowledge. Boy! I hear about that in our
25:05 household. You know, because
25:07 men are good at just grunting
25:09 and Shelley, she will sit and she will wait, and she says
25:13 Yes? Yes? Is there any acknowledgement? and so, you
25:18 know, this is real life here. Now thank goodness, you know,
25:22 because our life is based around the Lord it doesn't get out of
25:25 hand. But, anyway, go ahead.
25:26 The third step is to exchange gracefully.
25:30 So we will switch places and the other person will take his turn
25:34 now to talk while the first person is going to listen.
25:38 You do that with respect and you do that as many times as it
25:43 is necessary. Exchange, talk and listen until we get to the
25:48 bottom of the story and then we can come to the...
25:53 Step #4, which says to create now a specific win/win
25:57 solution. Say what you will do, say what each person will do
26:02 and it must be win/win. Each person must get something.
26:06 So that it is mutually beneficial.
26:08 Mutually beneficial, and that's a big word, mutual, mutual
26:11 agreement, right? And then to say I'm sorry. Both should
26:17 say I'm sorry.
26:18 And then, of course, to pray.
26:19 Ask the Lord to bless what we are doing. Therefore, every
26:27 listener needs to ask himself or herself the questions.
26:30 #1. Am I willing to practice this process? Talking and
26:38 and listening, talking and listening; communication.
26:41 #2. Are we willing to create a win/win solution? To work at it
26:45 until we get a solution. #3. Am I willing to make Christ
26:50 the great problem solver? Because he who could say, peace
26:56 be still to the storm on Galilee can bring peace to
27:00 our homes and to our hearts.
27:03 Why don't we just close this out with a word of prayer,
27:06 if you would, Gordon.
27:07 Sure. Dear God, you are the great problem solver. Teach us
27:12 to talk, teach us to listen, teach us to create win/win
27:15 solutions, teach us to make you Lord of our homes and Lord of
27:20 our hearts. We ask in Jesus' name. Amen, Amen
27:23 I just want to thank both of you on behalf of 3ABN for being
27:27 with us today. This is a wonderful program. This program
27:31 here not only affects us at life, at our home, you know,
27:35 our home life, but just life in general. I can see where there
27:38 is this progressive process to make this work. So I just thank
27:42 you for being here.
27:44 We are happy to be here. It's a delight. Our prayer is that it
27:46 will be used effectively everywhere.
27:48 Amen, Amen. I just want to thank everyone out there being with
27:53 us today at Issues and Answers. God Bless you. We love you.


Revised 2014-12-17