Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000264
00:30 I'm J. D. Quinn with Issues and Answers.
00:32 Welcome. We have a wonderful
00:34 topic that we're going to be
00:35 sharing today and that is
00:37 communication in marriage.
00:39 I like to start it off with a scripture and I'm taking our
00:42 scripture today from 1 John 1:7: But if we walk in the light as
00:48 he is in the light we have fellowship with one another
00:52 and the blood of Jesus his Son purifies us from all sin.
00:56 Wonderful text. I am so glad to be able to share this time with
01:01 Pastor Mike and Pastor Gayle Tucker from Arlington, Texas.
01:06 I know that y'all have a large church there. How large is the
01:10 church? About 1800 members.
01:11 1800 members! My goodness! And not only do you man that church,
01:16 but you also are speaker and director for Faith for Today,
01:21 Right? That's right. Faith for Today.
01:23 God has really blessed that ministry and it's 57 year old
01:26 and still growing. My goodness. So you picked up a
01:30 long-time tradition. Oh absolutely. And you love it?
01:33 I love it to death. I stand on the shoulders of William and
01:36 Virginia Fagal and Dan Matthews and it's kind of hard to go
01:39 wrong from there, isn't it?
01:40 I'll say. And exactly what do you do, Gayle?
01:43 I am an associate pastor at the Arlington Adventist Church in
01:47 Arlington, Texas and I take care
01:50 of worship and music and
01:52 women's ministries and children;
01:54 kind of whatever anybody else
01:56 doesn't do is part of my job
01:58 description. So not only are you a pastor's
02:00 wife but you are also a credentialed pastor which is
02:04 absolutely wonderful. I am. It's been a blessing.
02:07 We're also blessed to have a really wonderful staff of
02:11 pastors at the church and they work hard and it just works
02:15 together. We're going to get right into
02:18 our topic today: Communication in Marriage.
02:22 There's communication and there is noncommunication. Now I think
02:26 that we may be trying to go into this left-handed today. We're
02:30 going to talk about maybe the negative aspects, so this means
02:34 that if we can identify with any of these particular traits then
02:38 we're doing something wrong. Is that right?
02:40 You need to take note. Yeah. The good news is that if indeed
02:43 you have a negative communication trait this is a
02:45 dynamic factor; it can change. We have static factors that
02:48 affect our marriage, things that you cannot change and we have
02:52 dynamic factors. Static factors would be such as the
02:56 socio-economic level of your parents. You couldn't affect
02:59 that. Whether or not your parents stayed together or
03:01 whether they were divorced. That affects your current marriage.
03:04 Those are static factors. You can't do anything about it but
03:07 communication cycles and patterns are dynamic factors and
03:10 we can change those. We present this material when
03:16 we do marriage seminars and they say well coming to a marriage
03:19 seminar, why shouldn't you just give us the positive. What are
03:22 the good things that we ought to do? Why do we want to look at
03:25 negatives. But the truth is in America we get married a lot
03:28 you know, but we don't do marriage very well.
03:31 The University of Denver was looking at that fact years ago
03:36 and they decided that they would do a study and they would try to
03:40 find the things that were good in marriages that stayed
03:43 together. Because their thought was if we can determine what
03:46 keeps a marriage together, then we could provide education
03:50 to people and hopefully prevent some of the divorces that happen
03:53 in America. And that makes sense Yes that makes sense. But what
03:56 they discovered was something very different than that
03:59 because when they look at the marriages that stayed together
04:03 over this 20-year study, they didn't look alike at all. There
04:07 were many different reasons why marriages succeed. But what they
04:11 found was that in marriages that failed there were some very,
04:15 very strong common denominators and they were all about
04:18 communication and these negative communication patterns that they
04:23 identified existed in nearly every marriage that failed.
04:27 So they became strong predictors for failure in marriage.
04:30 The other thing about it is that these communication patterns are
04:34 passed down to following generations, to your children
04:39 and so if these communication patterns are predictors for
04:43 divorce then in your passing those to your children, what are
04:47 you doing? You are helping to ensure that they are going to
04:51 end up in a bad situation, in a possible divorce situation.
04:54 So we think it's worth looking at them.
04:57 Also if you have one of these negative communication patterns
05:01 in your relationship and you remove that from the
05:03 relationship, you do more to ensure the long-term stability
05:07 of your marriage than adding five positive things. So these
05:11 are very powerful tools, they are. Drs. Stanley and Marcum
05:14 are two of the leaders of the research there at the University
05:17 of Denver and they've come up with these. Would you like to
05:20 know what they are? My goodness, yes. There's four
05:22 of them? Four. Four negative patterns.
05:24 The first of these negative patterns is called escalation.
05:27 Escalation occurs when an argument starts perhaps over
05:30 something small and builds. It increases in intensity and
05:34 negativity until you're leaving socks on the floor ends up with
05:38 I'm leaving you. It can start small and then build to
05:41 something louder and increased in negativity and ugliness until
05:45 it looks something like this. We'll just role-play this for
05:47 you, if that's all right. Well certainly. All right it may look
05:51 like this. You know you left those dishes in the sink again
05:54 when I asked you to put them on the side so I can use the
05:57 sink. Well, yeah, but I thought the
05:58 sink would be a better choice than the floor where the kids
06:00 left them. Pardon me but I thought that was a better
06:02 choice. Yes but I specifically asked you
06:04 to do something and you did something different after you
06:07 said you would do it. Floor, sink, floor, sink, it
06:11 sounds like a good idea to me. I'm sorry but I think that this
06:13 is better Miss Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
06:15 Oh that's good. Let's do name calling now, I like that.
06:17 Well okay we can go back and forth with this if you like.
06:20 I don't know why I stay around here.
06:21 Well I'm not sure either.
06:22 You see that? Mercy! So it starts over something small and
06:26 builds and increases in intensity and negativity until
06:31 we're calling each other names, we're yelling at each other.
06:34 The issue is dishes on the floor versus the sink and/or the
06:37 counter and all of a sudden we're calling each other names.
06:41 A lot of arguments will start this way. Successful couples
06:44 recognize their propensity to do this and they exit this early in
06:48 the first 30 to 180 seconds. They have to recognize, all
06:52 right we do this and then they have to exit early. So in other
06:55 words if I noticed that we're starting to do this then my job
06:59 would be to soften my tone and to become conciliatory and say
07:03 you know maybe I'm over reacting here or maybe we need to talk
07:06 about this further at a later time when we're not so emotional
07:10 and then she is to pick up on that verbal clue and say you
07:14 know you're right. Let's wait and talk about it sometime later
07:18 and maybe set an appointment when we talk about it.
07:21 So it's important that you identify this together and
07:24 realize you know what, we do this and we want to stop it.
07:26 Because it's hard just because someone gets a little softer in
07:30 their tone, if you're angry already that may not help, but
07:33 if you've agreed ahead of time then maybe you can stop.
07:36 This is how to get out of this and move on.
07:37 And this is not a situation you can turn around and send them
07:42 to their room. No. Exactly. So when do you agree on this as
07:46 a couple? You can do that right now and
07:50 say you know, we tend to do this Let's stop this because we're
07:53 killing each other by doing this. The first one who notices
07:57 we do this become conciliatory, soften your tone, I'll try to
08:00 match that tone and then we'll bring it up at a later time and
08:03 try to talk about it in a civil manner when we're not so
08:07 emotional. And this is called escalation? That's one of the
08:10 four negative traits. That's right. The second one.
08:12 The second one is called invalidation. Invalidation is
08:16 where one in the couple either subtly or directly puts down the
08:21 other person; puts down their thoughts, their feelings or
08:24 their character and just basically says, I don't value
08:28 you. The thing that's difficult about this is that it happens in
08:32 many different ways. It can be very, very direct where it goes
08:36 to name calling, you know, you're just stupid, you never
08:39 get it right, all kinds of things like that or it can be
08:42 much more subtle. One of the
08:46 ways that women tend to
08:47 invalidate men is by acting like their husband has no sense,
08:51 particularly when it comes to things like maybe the children.
08:55 There was a situation where there were some of us moms
09:00 when I was a young mom and we we're all going to have a moms'
09:04 night out and the guys were going to take care of the
09:07 children. So all the guys came to the church to pick up the
09:10 kids because we all had them there as a meeting place and
09:14 the father came in and he was taking the kids away and this
09:19 mom right as he walked out the door, she's giving him
09:22 instructions all the way like...
09:24 Have them eat supper. Cake and ice cream is not good supper.
09:26 I know that sweetheart, we'll take care of it, you know.
09:29 Then the last think she says is oh and don't let them get run
09:32 over. Glad she mentioned that because
09:35 he never would have thought of that.
09:38 There are subtle ways of invalidating: interrupting.
09:44 We go out to eat with a couple and I start to tell a story.
09:47 I say, you know last week you wouldn't believe what happened..
09:50 It was Tuesday actually when this happened, it was Tuesday.
09:52 Oh it was Tuesday. Well we were going to the mall and as we were
09:56 walking in just through the parking lot, we almost got to
09:58 the front door. No, no, you don't tell this
10:00 right. No what really happened was... You see?
10:02 I just invalidated her. She gets quiet and he has taken
10:07 over. So we need to look at those things.
10:10 Have we invalidated our spouse in that way?
10:13 Another way that men tend to invalidate, although women can
10:16 do this too, but this is more typically a male response;
10:19 If she comes home and wants to tell me a story about something
10:22 that happened, maybe a problem, then my typical reaction as a
10:26 man is to try to offer a solution. But that's not usually
10:29 what a woman wants. What she wants is empathy, for you to
10:32 listen, not fix. So if I say,
10:34 you know what you need to do is
10:36 She'll say you never listen to
10:39 me. What she wanted was to bond
10:41 with me by telling the emotions of the story. That's why she
10:44 takes so many details into the story. You can tell the same
10:47 story in three sentences. She can take three days to tell it,
10:50 it seems like. But she's getting all these details so that you
10:54 can experience it with her and bond with her and when you try
10:57 to short circuit that you invalidate her saying your story
11:00 is silly, you're silly, let's fix it and go on. And that's not
11:03 the message you meant to send at all.
11:05 It can be much more direct. What about the tickets?
11:09 Oh, let's say that this happens. I come home and say sweetheart
11:13 I'm sorry but I got a ticket today. I thought I was going
11:17 the speed limit and he pulled me over and evidently I wasn't,
11:21 I don't know. You never learn do you?
11:23 Pardon? Well I thought I'd learned.
11:25 Well let me tell you how it works. People who don't speed
11:27 don't get tickets. I didn't think I was speeding, I
11:30 really thought I was obeying the law.
11:31 Someday maybe you'll learn something.
11:33 Pretty ugly isn't it?
11:35 It could get real ugly.
11:37 Real ugly. It can go worse than that. We don't even like role
11:40 playing this stuff. It feels uncomfortable. In fact we did
11:44 this in church once and one of our little parishioners said,
11:47 you guys stink as fighters. You're really not very good at
11:50 fighting you need to stop and don't role play because you're
11:52 not good at this. Come to my house. You'll see some real
11:55 fighting going one. Well bless your heart you know.
11:58 But invalidating is really just anything that says to that other
12:02 person, I don't value you. And it can be very blatant or it can
12:06 be very subtle. The hard thing about it is sometimes we don't
12:09 realize we're doing it. We can invalidate the other person and
12:13 think we're just trying to make them feel good. Oh, don't worry
12:16 about that bad review you got. Aaah it's not a big deal, I like
12:19 you anyway. And you haven't listened to the feelings behind
12:23 them. She says you know I'm frustrated; I'm trying to lose
12:27 weight and I didn't lose anything. Oh don't worry
12:29 about it, I say, it doesn't matter you look great. I don't
12:32 like skinny women anyway. Well you know you've just invalidated
12:35 her. You thought you were trying to make her feel better
12:38 but that's not how it came across to her.
12:40 It comes across as either he doesn't care or he just doesn't
12:43 want to hear it again. You know. I've heard this too many times.
12:45 I'm just trying to pass it off so we don't have to talk about
12:48 it. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Let it
12:49 go. Let it go. I can imagine that most people
12:52 can certainly identify with invalidation. I mean, I'm
12:55 sitting over here squirming in my chair and I thought I'm
12:59 guilty of this. You know I don't mean to be. My goodness.
13:02 This is where pride comes in. Absolutely.
13:06 We do it to our children. Often we forget that we need to turn
13:10 and look them in the eye when their telling us their little
13:14 story. You know, we need to validate them and let them know
13:18 that they're valued and important.
13:19 So this really comes down to a strong discipline. But if you
13:23 care enough about parenting and about your relationship,
13:27 then you'll work harder to make this happen.
13:30 Absolutely. The way to fix invalidation is through
13:32 validation, and I validate you by listening to you. By not
13:35 fixing your problems but by empathizing with you and by
13:39 caring about what you say, by looking you in the eye when you
13:43 talk to me, by hearing the emotions behind the words as
13:47 well, by truly caring about you and by avoiding calling you
13:51 names or making judgment statements about you. I don't
13:55 need to go there. Instead I need to be a gentle person who
13:58 lifts you up and ennobles you and makes you feel good.
14:02 And you could probably summarize it in the word respect, just
14:06 respect, respect for that individual.
14:07 And I would imagine though you sense that you respect but
14:13 there are different degrees of respect. This is good stuff.
14:17 The third one of these is called negative interpretations.
14:22 That's when someone says something but your partner
14:25 interprets it more negatively that what you've intended.
14:28 Now there's got to be some degree of mind reading going on
14:32 here and you say this but what you really mean is... I know
14:35 what you mean is not you've said. Well the truth is no one
14:39 has the ability to mind read and if there's much of this going on
14:43 at all in your marriage then it really is very detrimental to
14:47 the relationship. It much better to mind read positives rather
14:51 than negatives but we don't tend to do that. Let me give
14:54 you a little example of what... You're going to role play.
14:57 Yeah. Please understand this is role play of what negative
15:01 interpretations might be like. Sweet heart you know that I know
15:03 that Thanksgiving is coming up soon. You've got so much on your
15:06 mind, so much you have to do, let me help this year, let me
15:08 make the candied yams, all right I can do that and I think it
15:13 would... Well, really? Yeah, I'd like to try, let me do that.
15:18 Well I always just make them with the rest of the meal. It's
15:19 not a big deal. Well I know that and you do a
15:20 great job but I just feel like maybe I could do something to
15:23 lift the burden off of you a bit.
15:25 You don't like my candied yams do you?
15:27 Oh no, that's not it. I love them.
15:29 No that's it. The more I think about it and you're always
15:32 saying, Oh do them this way this year. No do them that way next
15:35 time. You don't like them. I like them, their great!
15:37 No please, I just wanted to help. Do you see? How do I
15:40 get out of this? You've backed yourself into a
15:43 corner. I've backed myself into a corner
15:44 because she's chosen to interpret what I said negatively
15:49 I may have had the most pure intentions, I may have had the
15:53 best idea in mind, but she's chosen to interpret this
15:57 negatively and no there's no way for me to win.
16:01 There's no defense for that. Yeah, there's not. Because it's
16:03 totally the other person's interpretation.
16:05 When we first got married I did some of this. Basically Gayle
16:09 did something which hurt me early on and I told her about
16:13 it and she apologized. I told her about it again and she
16:17 apologized again. I told her about it again and about the
16:21 fourth time into this Gayle is getting tired of this and she
16:25 says Mike you act as though I did this on purpose. You have
16:29 to understand Gayle grew up in this home that was so idealic.
16:32 It was like "Father Knows Best" with God. Remember that old 50s
16:36 sitcom. It was really that idealic. I on the other hand
16:39 grew up in the "Simpsons". It was a very different life from
16:43 me. So when she said you act like I did this on purpose, my
16:47 reaction was yeah. And her response to me I'll never forget
16:51 she said all right I want you to understand something. I will
16:55 never intentionally hurt you. That was a brand new thought to
16:59 me. And we've kind of made this the theme of our marriage.
17:03 We make our marriage a safe place. I will never
17:05 intentionally hurt Gayle. In 31 years of marriage, I can promise
17:10 you she has never once intentionally hurt me.
17:12 Now you know like all of us you forget or something will slip or
17:17 whatever but she never does this on purpose. So if indeed she
17:22 does or says something which hurts me I can look at her and
17:25 say Sweetheart I know you would not do this on purpose but what
17:29 just happened was painful. How I interpreted this was... and
17:33 then she can say no that's not what I meant, or I apologize
17:36 I didn't realize that. Let me fix it. Let's start over.
17:39 What it does is basically it makes your marriage a safe
17:42 place and it frees up when something does happen because
17:46 I trust that Mike didn't do it to hurt me, he didn't do
17:49 something on purpose to me. Then I can back up and say okay it
17:53 wasn't on purpose, what really is going on here. And it only
17:57 works if you make this agreement then both parties say this is
18:01 what we're going to do. We will not intentionally... And all of
18:04 us know that it's easy to intentionally hurt and maybe not
18:08 even admit that you're doing it, but you know what buttons to
18:12 push and you know your spouse well enough. Sometimes you can
18:16 do it and act like you didn't really mean to do it, but we
18:20 have to make that agreement and that commitment that says never
18:24 will I intentionally do something to injure my spouse.
18:28 That's right. What a covenant though. That's a wonderful
18:31 covenant. It is. We choose to make our home a safe place and I
18:35 choose to interpret what Gayle says and does positively. I ask
18:39 myself. Is there another way to interpret this? And if there is,
18:43 and you know there always is, I'm going to choose to interpret
18:48 it positively. If I feel pain I'll express it to her and
18:50 she'll help me make it right.
18:52 Because I know that Satan is just looking for, he's just
18:55 lingering to find a way to plant some doubt in there. Well this
18:58 time it's a little bit different. But if you've made
19:01 this covenant, I mean...
19:03 She's going to keep it, I'm going to keep it.
19:05 And then you can at least ask the question, where is this
19:09 coming from? What's going on here? And it's really very
19:12 freeing. Yes it is. Wonderful.
19:15 This takes us to our last negative pattern.
19:18 The last one is called... Do we have to talk about this. I don't
19:21 want to talk about it. Well it's the last one. No I don't want to
19:24 avoidance and withdrawal. I'm just kind of tired right now
19:27 and you cannot avoid or withdraw from this.
19:29 You see what we're doing?
19:30 Avoidance and withdrawal. Basically this is when a party
19:35 recognizes that there's going to be an issue come up that they
19:38 really don't want to talk about. It's a little bit too heated for
19:41 them. Maybe they feel guilt over it or whatever it happens to be
19:45 and they withdraw from the situation. And you can withdraw
19:48 in a variety of ways. You can withdraw by leaving the room.
19:52 I'm out of here, I'm not talking about this. You can withdraw
19:55 by just getting quiet, just clam up, I'm not talking any more.
19:59 I tend to be guilty of that. You know I don't want to talk
20:03 about this, this is too hot for me.
20:04 Her lips get thin and white and she gets really quiet.
20:06 I hope it will go away. But you know it doesn't go away.
20:08 You can also withdraw in other ways that might not be as easy
20:13 to recognize. One way is to explode in anger, just blow up.
20:16 And you don't think of that as withdrawing, you think of that
20:20 as aggressive. But when you think about it, if I explode all
20:23 over the place that pretty much stops the conversation, doesn't
20:26 it? Sure does. So that's another way to withdraw and we tend to
20:30 have withdrawers and pursuers in marriages. We're usually one
20:34 or the other. Sometimes, depending on what the issue is,
20:38 we can trade back and forth. Some things we'll withdraw on
20:42 and in others we want to pursue. Now the avoider is even more
20:47 adept, because this person just seems to have a sixth sense and
20:50 they know when something is going to come up that they don't
20:54 want to talk about and they just avoid it all together.
20:56 Hey, let's go out to eat. Let's grab the kids, let's get out of
20:58 here. Hey it's going to be a great day, let's go out to the
21:00 park, whatever. Yeah, anything to keep the
21:03 conversation from every happening or they stay late at
21:06 work. If I don't come home from work, you know she's already
21:08 asleep in bed, then I don't have to talk about it. But they avoid
21:12 the issues. And the reason that this is so dangerous and so
21:16 damaging is because it allows the things between us to just
21:19 pile up, and pile up, and pile up and they're never dealt with.
21:24 And they will cause separation. They can cause a separation that
21:28 is actual divorce or they can just cause a separation that's
21:32 a wall within your home that stays there.
21:34 It's just like you can start over again and then just repeat
21:38 the same thing again. Absolutely. It's a delicate
21:40 dance that is a cycle that keeps going and going. Basically the
21:44 person who's pursuing is not wanting to fight, they want the
21:47 intimacy that comes when you resolve a relationship issue.
21:50 The avoider and withdrawer is not avoiding or withdrawing
21:54 from the spouse. They're looking for peace. Can't we just all get
21:57 along? Let's just be happy. That's Gayle's mantra. Can't we
22:01 just all be happy, can't we just be happy. So that's what they're
22:04 looking for is peace. What we have to do to fix this though is
22:07 the pursuer has to agree to pursue less. The avoider and
22:11 withdrawer avoid and withdraw less and to say let's find a
22:15 time and talk about this so that it actually happens. Usually we
22:19 find that the best thing to do is if you have an issue is to
22:23 say Mike I'd like to talk about X, when's a good time?
22:26 Now I can say second Tuesday of next week but that's not fair.
22:31 Basically I have to, with Gayle, set a time within the next 24
22:35 hours when we will set down and talk about this. What this does
22:39 is it makes the avoider and withdrawer feel less trapped.
22:42 And it gives peace to the pursuer knowing we will talk
22:45 about this. We're going to keep this appointment. We will talk
22:48 about it. Often a person is a withdrawer
22:50 because they feel like they can't bring the argument forth
22:54 quick enough and they're going to lose if they get blindsided.
22:57 So if you can say to that person all right here's what I really
23:01 need to talk to you about, but can we set a time, then they
23:05 can think about it and they can deal with it more rationally.
23:09 That's true for me. If I know that I can sit and think about
23:13 something first and then we'll sit down and talk about it.
23:16 I do much better than if I'm blind-sided by an issue because
23:20 Mike can out-talk me any time and he can out-think me but if
23:23 I have time then I can come up with some pretty good arguments
23:27 on my own. So it helps to be able to just say okay, we're
23:31 going to set this aside now but we are going to talk about it
23:34 and have a certain time.
23:35 Those are the four negative patterns. If you have those in
23:38 your relationship and you remove them you really do a lot
23:42 to ensure the long-term stability of the relationship.
23:45 I think what I understood you to say earlier, Pastor, that if we
23:47 can just remove one of these...
23:49 Yes, it does more to ensure the long-term stability of your
23:53 marriage than adding five positives.
23:54 In other words, I could bring mama candy, I could bring her
23:57 flowers, I could bring her something nice, take her to a
24:00 something that she'll appreciate but it's doing nearly
24:03 as good as removing one of these. That's right.
24:05 Because you're sending mixed messages. You got me flowers
24:09 today but the way you talked to me last night? So if you can
24:13 remove that undercurrent of negative and then bring the
24:15 flowers then you've hit a home run. But you've got to remove
24:19 the negative undercurrent otherwise we send them mixed
24:21 messages. Now the thing we have not done yet is decide how we
24:25 can solve problems. Basically the way to do that is when you
24:29 set the appointment you sit down with each other. I suggest you
24:33 hold something in your hand, usually something soft.
24:35 The person holding this object has the floor and they have the
24:38 floor until they make one or two points and they make their
24:42 point like this: When you do X in Y situation, I feel Z.
24:47 Gayle might say to me, Mike when you leave the dishes in the sink
24:52 when I've asked you to leave them on the counter I feel like
24:54 I'm your maid. My job as the listener then is I can't argue
24:57 with her, can't disagree. I just simply acknowledge what she's
25:01 said. I have to repeat it back to her so she knows. We do this
25:04 until we make points back and forth till all the points have
25:06 been made and then we say all right, now we understand each
25:09 other. Let's make a list of possible solutions to this issue
25:13 We brainstorm together, we choose a solution, we sign it,
25:17 we say this is what we're going to do and we move on. We have
25:21 become a team now solving this problem rather than...
25:24 Our friends Mike and Brenda Aufderhauer say when the
25:27 problem is here every time I look at the problem I see you.
25:31 But what this does is it puts the problem out here and now
25:34 we're a team solving this problem and it's not us, it's
25:38 just a problem and we're working on it.
25:40 So it's a good model. It's an opportunity to have some rules
25:43 not to talk over each other and not to judge each other, but
25:47 truly to listen and to demonstrate we're listening
25:49 by repeating back what we say to one another.
25:51 This is absolutely fantastic. We're running out of time so
25:55 fast I just can't believe. Whenever you get involved with
25:58 everyday matters, especially with communication, things just
26:02 happen. Why don't we review quickly. We're talking about
26:04 the negative sides and then let's look at the positive side
26:07 real quick. The negative communication
26:09 patterns are escalation, invalidation, negative
26:13 interpretations and avoidance and withdrawal. If we can
26:16 identify that we do those things and remove them from the
26:20 relationship, we go miles toward making sure that we have a
26:23 stable, happy relationship. Then when we solve problems, we
26:26 actually do this as a team, putting the problem out here,
26:29 brainstorming together and listening to each other
26:33 therefore, validating one another.
26:34 I'll tell you, this is absolutely wonderful stuff.
26:37 Anything else that you might want to add quickly?
26:39 I think that we actually have to live in a relationship of
26:43 genuine concern and tenderness for one another; that my
26:46 communication with Gayle has to be tender and open and loving.
26:50 I have to communicate that to her through my words.
26:53 I think we have to hold in our hearts and minds all the time
26:56 the fact that this is a person that God placed in my life.
26:59 This person is a gift to me and I don't ever want to break it or
27:03 injure it in any way. I think that that is the thing that will
27:07 keep us together. As a husband, it's my job to
27:09 make sure that Gayle is safe so that she has the opportunity
27:12 to flourish and to grow to be all that God wants her to be.
27:15 Then my life benefits from that. I find richness in my life when
27:19 she becomes God's woman and if I treat God's woman right, God
27:23 gives me an additional gift and that is closeness to her that I
27:26 can never have otherwise.
27:28 So obviously this is a win/win situation. Absolutely
27:31 Isn't this wonderful to hear this type of success story.
27:34 You know I mean seeing a husband and wife you can just see that
27:36 they love each other, you can see that they respect each other
27:41 I just want you to stay tuned. We're going to our next program
27:46 and everything is going to deal with the spirituality in
27:48 marriage. This was absolutely special. We look forward to the
27:52 next one. Until then just want you to remember that God loves
27:55 you and so do we.