Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000263
00:29 Welcome to "Issues and Answers." My name is J.D. Quinn.
00:33 Glad that you are able to join us today.
00:35 Today we have a wonderful topic called
00:37 "The Issue of Mate Selection."
00:40 I like to start off with a scripture.
00:44 Our scripture today is taken from 2 Corinthians 6:14-15.
00:49 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
00:52 For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?
00:55 Or what fellowship can have light with darkness?
00:59 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?
01:01 And what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"
01:05 We have some experts on this particular topic today.
01:09 And so I'm glad to introduce you
01:12 to Pastor Mike Tucker and Pastor Gayle Tucker.
01:16 And they are from Arlington, Texas in the Metroplex area
01:20 and they manage a church there of 1,800 members,
01:23 a large church. That's right.
01:25 And not only that, but you're also the Speaker
01:27 and Director for "Faith For Today." That's right.
01:29 Which I would assume is a fulltime job there.
01:31 It is indeed.
01:33 And of course his lovely wife, she is--
01:36 I think handles administrative duties of that large church
01:40 plus the Children's Ministry, the Worship Ministry,
01:44 and probably no tongue what else?
01:46 Several other things, but we have a good time.
01:48 I can imagine.
01:49 Would you like to share anything in additional to that?
01:52 Oh, just-- the fact that the Lord has blessed
01:54 with Faith For Today's Ministry
01:56 and we're excited about things coming up.
01:58 We're shooting new lifestyle magazines
02:00 and we're also going to be doing
02:02 a NET 2007 right there from Arlington.
02:05 So the Lord has been blessing. We got a lot in our plate.
02:09 I know today is a topic that there's many,
02:11 many people are interested in
02:13 and that is mate selection.
02:16 So why don't we just get right into middle of all of that
02:19 and just kind of-and bond over this.
02:21 Dive right in. Yes.
02:23 We have a young congregation
02:25 and a lot of singles in our congregation
02:28 and a lot of them would like to no longer be single. Amen.
02:31 And so as they talk about that they have asked--
02:34 you know, how do you go about this process?
02:36 I think the first thing is to begin
02:38 to think about God's timing
02:40 and God's will for your life, those are key issues.
02:43 'Cause God may say yes to marriage
02:44 but not right now and if you push ahead to make it now,
02:47 then you're out of His timing.
02:49 There are also others-- who God says,
02:52 you know, marriage may not be the option for you.
02:54 It may not be the right thing for you.
02:56 In such case we should not view
02:57 singleness as a disease. Absolutely.
03:00 You know singleness is all right.
03:02 And in fact the Apostle Paul said
03:03 that he wish that everyone can be like him and live that way.
03:07 But not everyone can nor should everyone,
03:10 but still if that's what God has for you,
03:12 that's what you need.
03:13 And we need to go with that.
03:15 But after that then if indeed we feel like
03:17 that this is God's will and maybe even His timing
03:19 and we want to start this process,
03:21 then we start to look first of all inside, don't we?
03:25 And strangely enough, I think the first thing
03:27 is not to look to find a mate,
03:29 but to look to be the right mate.
03:31 Yeah. Amen.
03:32 And when we start to grow spiritually,
03:35 emotionally, intellectually,
03:38 that is what is going to make us
03:40 the right person to be in relationship.
03:43 Cloud and Townsend wrote a book this is--
03:45 it's called "21 Days to a Happy Marriage."
03:48 And each day you're supposed to do one thing,
03:51 you know, that you learned about relationships.
03:53 And the very first thing is to grow,
03:56 continue to grow. Amen.
03:58 If we're going to be the right person
04:00 and in marriage growth is going to be
04:03 the number one thing we need to do,
04:05 we should start that ahead of time.
04:07 So rather than looking for a mate,
04:09 look to be the right person that you need to be.
04:13 Spend time with Jesus Christ.
04:15 Let Him become your all in all
04:18 and find that you are complete
04:20 and whole on your own before you ever look for a mate.
04:25 And realize that you don't need that person
04:27 in order to be happy. Right.
04:28 You know two happy people
04:30 are what it takes to make a happy marriage. Right.
04:32 And someone said it recently that if you're happy
04:37 and you get married nothing your spouse can do--
04:41 can take that happiness away. Amen. That's right.
04:43 But if you're not happy and you get married
04:45 nothing your spouse can do, can make you happy.
04:47 Make you happy, that's right.
04:49 I know that-- I talked to people daily
04:51 and there's lots of people that I talk to
04:52 are single people and I used to do this.
04:56 I say, why don't we just have a pray-- a prayer,
04:59 we'll pray for a godly man to come into your life.
05:03 And then one day the Lord impressed me,
05:05 J.D. that's not the way to go about this.
05:08 If you're talking to a female you need to say,
05:11 Lord, prepare me to be a godly wife. That's right.
05:14 And same thing with a male.
05:15 Prepare me to be a godly husband,
05:18 because now you're involved. Absolutely.
05:20 You see, and God's honors that
05:23 rather than sitting here and say,
05:24 I'm looking for a free gift. Right.
05:26 Why don't you send me a godly husband, you know.
05:29 Well, and sometimes I think God is waiting to say,
05:31 okay, I've got that person that you need to be,
05:34 but you need to be first.
05:35 You're not ready for this person, that's right.
05:37 You kind of free him up to bring that person into your life. Yes.
05:39 The other thing we find is that when your life starts
05:41 to come together and you are happy
05:44 with who you are in the Lord--
05:46 you've taken care of your love issue so to speak.
05:48 We can talk about that a little bit later.
05:50 You've taken care of those things.
05:51 Then you begin to attract the right person.
05:56 People who are looking--
05:57 are looking for someone that they admire,
06:00 that they find to have strength,
06:01 someone that would complement their own life
06:05 and if you're the right person
06:06 you're gonna attract the right person.
06:08 I've written a book recently entitled
06:09 10 Keys to Happy Marriage
06:11 and it's taken from the Book of Ruth.
06:13 And Ruth found a right husband
06:15 because she was the right woman.
06:18 Boaz saw her gleaning in his field
06:20 and recognized the stories about her
06:22 that she was faithful to her mother-in-law,
06:24 was caring for this woman.
06:26 She didn't have to comeback to Israel with her,
06:27 she could have stayed in Moab
06:29 but she loved her mother-in-law, she was taking care of her,
06:31 she let mom stay at home,
06:33 while she went out to glean
06:35 so that it wouldn't embarrass mom.
06:36 She did that work for her and kept mom out of the sun.
06:40 And Boaz saw this and said this is a righteous woman
06:43 I need to know this girl and he was drawn to her already
06:47 because she was the right person.
06:49 And she was drawn to him
06:50 because he was also a person of character. Right.
06:53 You know, when he saw her he immediately wanted
06:55 to care for her and make sure she was protected.
06:57 You know, give her lunch
06:59 and keep her away from the workers
07:00 and, you know, all of these things.
07:02 He was a person of character
07:03 and she recognized that in him as well.
07:05 Now how do you think that the Lord entered into this?
07:08 Well, I think the Lord had that planned all along.
07:10 First of all there was no accident
07:12 that the Ruth gleaned in that field.
07:14 Absolutely. Yes.
07:15 She didn't know her way around certainly.
07:17 But she went and started to glean in this field
07:19 and Naomi didn't send her to it because afterwards she said,
07:22 where did you gleaned today?
07:24 In the field of a man named Boaz.
07:27 The bell started to ring
07:28 and she started to think about this, you know.
07:31 But God's hand was in this all along
07:34 and started guiding them together I think.
07:36 I think you made a good point there
07:38 because, you know, that same God
07:40 is perfectly capable today. Amen.
07:42 Of bringing the right people together. Yes.
07:44 And our pursuit really is not for that person.
07:47 Our pursuit is for God and for growth in our own lives.
07:51 Ruth Graham Bell wrote,
07:53 "If God had answered all my prayers,
07:54 I would have married the wrong man several times."
07:59 So usually it's not a good prayer to say,
08:02 Lord, give me this man, give me this woman,
08:04 but instead, Lord, make me the right person
08:06 and fulfill your will in my life in your time.
08:09 Put me in the right place. That's right.
08:10 Put that person in the right place. That's right.
08:12 And if you have this relationship with the Lord,
08:14 it seems like just miraculously things
08:16 workout like that. It does. It does.
08:18 You know, there are no accidents. No.
08:20 You know, I mean everything is providential so.
08:23 Probably the starting place is, is natural that we have
08:26 in that relationship with the Lord.
08:28 Now I think the other thing the person listening
08:30 to this program saying, well, you know,
08:31 I've waited all these years, I guess,
08:33 there's something wrong with me,
08:34 I'm not the right person. Right.
08:36 It also has to do with God's timing.
08:39 And so you know, don't beat yourself up and say,
08:42 oh, I'm not the right person.
08:44 God's timing will be perfect and we don't know
08:47 what His timing is for you, you know.
08:49 But as you're waiting for God's timing,
08:51 other things that you can do to prepare yourself for this
08:54 is to see whether or not you have any love issues
08:57 that need to be taken care off. Yes.
08:59 Are the things in your own life
09:00 that would hamper a relationship with a mate?
09:03 Now, let's say that you're a young woman
09:05 or even an older woman
09:06 and basically you had a very strange relationship
09:09 with your father or your father was abusive
09:12 or you're distant from him or he was absent.
09:15 Chances are very good that you have a love relationship--
09:18 a love issue that is based
09:19 on that nonexistent relationship or that bad relationship,
09:24 because a woman learns how to relate to a man
09:26 through her relationship with her father.
09:29 And that's the relationship that tells her
09:31 that she's a valuable person, that she's a princess.
09:33 Someone who's desirous
09:36 and someone who should be pursued.
09:38 It is the relationship with the father
09:40 and if that did not exist,
09:41 then there maybe some work that needs to be done.
09:44 In my pastoring-- the times when I tried to
09:47 with the young woman's help re-father that young woman.
09:52 And basically I can be kind of a substitute father figure
09:56 and my job is to tell her that she is special. Yes.
09:59 That she is God's princess. Yes.
10:01 That she is a beautiful young woman inside and out
10:04 and that's the most important thing is the inside.
10:07 But that--she is someone who's deserving
10:09 of a quality relationship. Amen.
10:11 It is my job to tell her that I always believe in her,
10:14 that I'm always on her side, that I always support her.
10:17 And then I'm always proud of her.
10:19 And there are-- a few young women of my church
10:22 who have my phone number they call every now
10:24 and then when something is going on in their life--
10:26 in fact a couple of these young women in our church,
10:29 we just adore, they're just precious.
10:31 They call us "Pastor Mom and Pastor Dad." Amen.
10:33 You know, we're Pastor Mom and Pastor Dad
10:36 to these young women.
10:37 And it is a joy at this stage in our life
10:40 to be able to help re-father young women.
10:43 And the same thing can happen with young men as well,
10:45 so that you begin to see your value in the eyes of God,
10:49 as a father should have shown you,
10:52 as a mother should have shown you,
10:53 but maybe did not.
10:55 So take care of those love issues in your life
10:59 and then you're ready for the next step.
11:00 I would think that, that would be probably the epitome
11:04 of our part of our being here on this earth
11:06 is to have people look at you as mom and pop. Yeah.
11:09 Whatever you're not biologically you can't. Yeah.
11:12 Because I see something special in that couple,
11:15 because there are so many hurting people out there,
11:17 you know, that are really just floundering.
11:20 They really are.
11:21 There are so many young people that have no foundation
11:24 upon which to base decisions,
11:27 upon which to pursue anyone in a relationship
11:32 because they haven't seen it, they haven't experienced it,
11:35 they don't-- they maybe don't have
11:36 a relationship with the Lord.
11:38 So, you know, anything goes
11:40 because if you don't have anything
11:41 to base anything on, why not?
11:43 Just do whatever comes along. Do whatever.
11:45 And we see so many young girls-- they have--
11:48 what we call father hunter
11:50 and they throw themselves into situations
11:53 that are so destructive
11:55 because they simply haven't had that.
11:57 and so to help provide a foundation
11:59 for young people and say, you are valuable
12:02 and here's how you make these decisions.
12:04 You know, here's a foundation upon which to make decisions.
12:07 That's true. That's true.
12:09 Now it's a real privilege for us to be in that situation,
12:12 I mean, that's such a beautiful God thing
12:16 when he leads-- you into someone's life
12:19 and you're able to do that--
12:20 you know we're empty nesters now,
12:21 so we've raised our daughters
12:23 and although you never stop parenting
12:25 I've discovered that, you know--
12:27 Oh, no, we still enjoy our daughters.
12:28 We still love them and we still are valuable in their lives
12:30 and we're still parent.
12:32 But it's a different level of parenting now.
12:34 But with some of these other young women
12:36 who have not had the foundation
12:37 for us to service of a parent substitute,
12:41 is just an exciting thing for us.
12:43 You know, it brings value to our lives
12:44 and we see some growth in there as well.
12:46 So we give the glory to Lord for that.
12:48 So I would assume that some place along the line
12:52 these men or these women have to expect certain things.
12:56 Now where do they-- where does this come from?
12:58 Is this something that they have made up
13:00 that they've got their want list or--
13:01 Well, I think in one way
13:03 we should make a want list. Yeah.
13:06 We should make a list of non-negotiables,
13:09 say, these are things that are absolutes
13:12 and in the person I marry this must be present. Right.
13:16 Some of the non-negotiables.
13:18 Well, the first non-negotiable for me--
13:19 when I was searching for a mate,
13:22 although I didn't really call at that,
13:23 but that's what I was doing,
13:25 I was dating
13:26 was I wanted a committed Christian woman. Amen.
13:30 And since I'm a Seventh-day Adventist
13:32 I wanted a Seventh-day Adventist Christian woman.
13:34 That would uncomplicate my life first of all,
13:37 you know, because we wouldn't be arguing
13:39 about which day to go to church on.
13:41 And then I wanted someone whose level of commitment
13:43 and growth was similar to mine,
13:45 not identical, but similar to mine.
13:48 To me that was a non-negotiable.
13:50 Because if I've to waste a lot of time
13:52 dealing with those issues of religious differences.
13:55 I'm wasting energy and creative resources that I have
13:59 and I loose the chance for some happiness
14:02 that I could have otherwise.
14:04 So when I found a woman
14:07 who was indeed a committed Seventh-day Adventist Christian
14:10 who was in a similar plain of growth to my own,
14:14 then the light started going off and the bell started ringing.
14:17 You know, I realized this could work,
14:19 this could work,
14:20 plus we found relationship together to be so easy.
14:23 You know, it was easy for us to get along.
14:26 It was kind of a no effort relationship
14:28 which gave us more resources for creativity.
14:30 But one thing I've noticed about--
14:32 you always show that you like each other.
14:33 Yes. Yeah.
14:34 You know, not only but I'm just,
14:36 you know, just have paid attention,
14:38 you know, and you just like being together.
14:40 We do. We do.
14:41 You know, and you'll just feed off with each other
14:43 and that is absolutely wonderful.
14:44 So I can see why people are attracted to you
14:47 always mom and pop. Yeah.
14:48 Certainly because you have something to give.
14:51 It just didn't happened
14:53 I'm sure that you all have evolved
14:54 into who you are but still--
14:57 Well, I think friendship really,
15:00 you know, you can't dictate
15:01 someone else's non-negotiables. No.
15:03 But if there was one I was gonna dictate
15:06 that will probably will be on the list
15:07 that you be really good friends first.
15:09 You know, and this has to be a friend.
15:12 Not a strange relationship.
15:14 You can talk easily.
15:16 You can enjoy one another.
15:17 You can laugh.
15:19 You know, they say, if you survey women to ask them
15:22 what was the number one reason
15:23 why they married their particular spouse.
15:27 The first thing on the list they said,
15:29 he made me laugh. Amen.
15:30 It's always-- there's joy in the relationship
15:33 and you know what else do we want?
15:34 We don't get married so we can solve problems together.
15:37 You know, we get married so that we can enjoy one another
15:40 and enjoy the journey of life together.
15:42 And there's a big difference in happiness and joy.
15:44 That's true. Yeah.
15:46 That's true, the other thing is
15:47 I think sometimes we get hung up on this idea of romantic love
15:50 that the media has painted for us
15:52 and we get to thinking that what I want is
15:55 someone who is a soul mate
15:57 who I feel this intense passion for all the time.
16:01 I think that, that's an unrealistic picture
16:03 and it's not even a healthy way to build a relationship.
16:06 I believe that if you're first and foremost good friends
16:10 who find relationship easy
16:12 and you have common shared values
16:14 and goals and purposes in your life,
16:17 that you have something that's even more important
16:19 than romantic love. Well, certainly.
16:21 In fact one author said
16:22 that in order for genuine love to flourish
16:25 and for marriages to last, "romantic love must die
16:28 as the basis of the relationship
16:31 and you must grow to mature love
16:32 which is a love of commitment and friendship.
16:35 And then mature lovers know how to use romantic love.
16:39 They're better at it than romantic lovers are. Yes.
16:42 But it is not the foundation of the relationship.
16:45 And so finding someone who is their friend is key.
16:49 Shared goals, shared vision, shared belief systems,
16:52 shared values,
16:53 we want to go to the same direction here together.
16:56 That friend, someone is easy to get along with
16:58 is another non-negotiable I think. Yeah.
17:00 Often people won't overlook
17:02 the person that's right beside them
17:04 that maybe they, they work on a committee with
17:06 or do something at church with and they're good friends,
17:09 they're good buddies but they think,
17:11 oh, when I'm gonna date I've to go out here somewhere
17:14 and find somebody that has the right looks
17:17 or you know that something the right--
17:21 Well, you know the standard--
17:22 basically people, people are asking who is he?
17:25 Yeah, the status. Who is she?
17:26 The status, you know.
17:28 You know, that was the word I was looking for.
17:29 And looking for certain status and they pass out someone
17:32 they could be a wonderful friend. That's right.
17:34 I had an interesting experience over a couple of years ago.
17:37 I went to my 40th year of school reunion.
17:40 And the guys that were the most handsome-- Yes.
17:43 They had lost their hair.
17:46 Their beltline had expanded, you know, put in lot of weight.
17:49 And you know when you haven't seen your friends
17:51 that you grew up with for years and years and years
17:54 these things happen and it was shocking. Yeah.
17:57 And I just-- then you start grading yourself,
18:01 you know, and then because we forget our age.
18:03 Yeah. That's right.
18:04 They got old and how did that happen when I didn't, yeah.
18:06 You know, what I mean.
18:09 You know the hunk very often becomes a chunk.
18:10 That's right. That's good. That's good. That's right.
18:13 The hunk becomes a chunk,
18:14 but it's better to marry someone that is--
18:17 that you're basing the relationship on looks. Yes.
18:20 You know, looks are important.
18:21 That's important for us to take care of ourselves
18:23 so that we look good for one another
18:25 and just for our own self-esteem that we look good.
18:28 I think that you have to be proud
18:29 who you're standing next to.
18:31 Right, right. Absolutely.
18:32 And I think there's a certain level of appearance
18:35 that would be on the non-negotiables. Yeah.
18:36 You know, I don't want someone
18:38 that just doesn't care of themselves at all--
18:41 But it shouldn't be number one. No.
18:43 Nor do you have to be the most handsome guy
18:44 or the beautiful women or whatever.
18:46 The current matinee idol is not what I want to marry.
18:50 I want someone who takes care of themselves
18:51 and someone who is presentable.
18:53 But what I really want is someone
18:55 who is a person of character and commitment and quality,
18:59 someone who shows me tender concern,
19:01 those kinds of things.
19:02 I would assume at sometimes
19:04 you could be fooled for a while? Oh, yes.
19:05 Sure for a while.
19:07 That's why it's usually better not to have a quick romance
19:10 but to have some opportunity to observe each other
19:13 in a variety of settings.
19:15 And one of the ways to do that is spend sometime in their home
19:19 and see how they interact with their family.
19:21 The old saying is, if you want to know
19:23 how she's gonna treat you 10 years from now,
19:25 watch how she treats her daddy. Amen.
19:27 And although there are some exceptions
19:28 to that rule especially in unhealthy abusive relationships.
19:31 By and large that's a pretty good rule to follow,
19:33 same thing for the ladies.
19:35 If you want to know how he's gonna treat you in 10 years,
19:37 watch how he takes care of his mother.
19:39 How does he treat her?
19:40 Because those home relationships
19:42 are the foundation for or building a home.
19:45 We only know how to do marriage one way
19:46 and that's what we watched it done. That's right.
19:48 You know, and I think parents can even ask these questions
19:51 of their young people who are dating.
19:55 I remember my mother asking me that question.
19:57 Well, what do you think about him?
19:59 How does he treat his mother?
20:01 His mother, right. And I'm like, well, well.
20:03 It's very perceptive for your mom too, wouldn't it--
20:05 Yeah, and when I thought about it,
20:07 he's treating his mother wonderfully and his sister,
20:09 you know, always very devoted to them,
20:11 very kind and the way he spoke to them.
20:14 And so, you know, I knew that,
20:16 that was his family relationship.
20:17 So I can look forward to something similar.
20:20 And that's what Shelley told me,
20:22 the first time I took her home to meet mom and daddy
20:24 and that changes the rules when you take him home
20:27 to meet my mom and daddy. That's right. Oh, yes. Yeah.
20:28 And of course we were older
20:29 whenever we had our relationship you know
20:32 And but later she told me that was very important
20:37 because I adore my mother.
20:39 You know, and I did treat her with respect
20:40 and loved her with all my heart.
20:42 And that was when Shelley
20:44 probably the first piece f armor came off of her.
20:46 You know, when ever she says, hey, this--
20:48 You maybe safe after all.
20:49 This guy is okay, you know, because I can see. Right.
20:52 So, that is very, very important.
20:54 And watched how Gayle treated her daddy.
20:56 And she just adored her daddy, absolutely adored him.
21:01 And the bond between them was just unbelievable.
21:04 And at first when we got married
21:06 I was a little bit intimidated by that relationship
21:09 and then suddenly I realized it's
21:11 because of that relationship that she found it so easy
21:14 to have intimacy with me,
21:16 so that there was a close relationship between us.
21:18 So I wrote her daddy a thank you letter. Amen.
21:21 Thanking him for the ways that he had raised his daughter
21:24 making my life with her so easy and so rich
21:28 and so that I owed him a great deal because of his fathering.
21:31 I think that's a keeper.
21:32 I think that's something that a lot of young men out there
21:35 ought to follow that because that's a keeper right there.
21:38 It meant so much to him.
21:40 He kept that letter, he had it tugged away in his drawer
21:43 and every now and then he'd show me.
21:44 You know, when you wrote to me.
21:45 Yeah. That's precious.
21:47 But I think that we also look for other non-negotiables.
21:50 Some of them should be pretty obvious to us,
21:52 but not always, so let's take the obvious.
21:55 You don't want someone who is abusive,
21:58 verbally, physically, emotionally or spiritually.
22:02 And that sometimes can be observed
22:03 in those relationships that we were just speaking.
22:05 That's right.
22:06 So be around their family, you know. Yeah.
22:08 If they scream and shout
22:09 or verbally abusive to their parents,
22:11 this is a bad sign.
22:13 Or if you watch their parent do that to each other
22:16 this is where--this individual has learned things
22:19 and so at least keep an eye open for this,
22:21 it doesn't mean that person will necessarily
22:23 have to repeat the pattern
22:25 that they learned in their home of origin,
22:27 but there is a better than even chance that they will
22:29 and so it's good to watch that to observe it.
22:31 Is there abuse?
22:33 Is there controlling behavior going on here?
22:36 Is there deceit? Is this person honest?
22:39 Can I trust what they say?
22:41 When they tell me one thing, is it always true
22:43 or do I find out there's something else is true later?
22:47 Are they physically violent?
22:50 Have they ever hit me?
22:52 If they do, don't walk, run from this relationship.
22:55 Get out, get out now.
22:57 We've been married 31 years.
22:58 I want you to know something.
23:00 I had never even thought of hitting this woman. Amen.
23:02 But if I did, I'd be out on the street the next day,
23:05 until I got help. Yes.
23:07 She would say, all right, this marriage isn't over,
23:09 but you're out of this house until you get help.
23:11 Now 31 years of marriage I thought,
23:12 you know, would win some brownie points,
23:15 but one hit would do it and I know that. Yeah.
23:18 And I respect her for that. That's as it should be.
23:20 And that's a non-negotiable. It is a non-negotiable. Yes.
23:23 And it will always be a non-negotiable.
23:26 Another non-negotiable would be alcohol abuse,
23:29 a drug use, those kinds of things.
23:33 Simply because it affects emotional maturity.
23:35 It affects judgment.
23:37 It is contrary to the value system of those
23:40 who follow the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
23:42 It becomes another lover.
23:44 I really believe that you can adulterate a marriage
23:46 by addictions to substances being--
23:50 and even that in pornography and other issues.
23:53 Addictions becomes another lover
23:55 and I've seen men and women both
23:57 really leave a beautiful home,
24:00 a wonderful spouse, because of addicted behavior.
24:04 And then addicted behavior
24:05 also leaves a person emotionally immature.
24:09 And you know, it's all right to be emotionally 16 if you are 16,
24:12 but when you're 38 it really stinks.
24:14 Yeah, because I understand you know that
24:16 if you start using drugs
24:18 whatever then you take home that particular--
24:21 That's where your emotional development stops.
24:23 If you start using at age 16,
24:25 you were 16 until the day you stop using
24:28 and then you don't suddenly jump to 38 or 39.
24:31 It's still a process. You got to grow.
24:33 Now you maybe able with right up to grow
24:35 faster than a year per year,
24:38 but still it is a growth process.
24:40 And the emotions have to be nurtured along.
24:43 But if you were selecting a mate
24:45 that would certainly be one or two would say next.
24:48 Yes, that's right.
24:49 And there are other things, you know,
24:50 you want to look at the person's work ethics. Yes.
24:52 And that's what he thinks,
24:53 you know, you want someone who will be a worker.
24:57 You know, especially for a husband you want to know that
25:00 he's going to hold the job.
25:02 For a wife you know you want to know
25:04 that she's gonna be willing to contribute as well and to be--
25:08 to have the best of for her family in mind. Right.
25:12 And just, you know, all of those things line up,
25:15 but you have to make your list
25:17 of non-negotiables. That's right.
25:18 What is it for you that is absolutely has to be there
25:22 or absolutely cannot be there.
25:24 And I would imagine if somebody who is 60 years or 70 years old,
25:28 they probably need to have their list too.
25:29 Absolutely. The list has got to be there. You see.
25:31 Some people will say, well, that's judgmental.
25:33 No, it's not judgmental,
25:35 it's setting a course for your life. Yes.
25:37 It's knowing what you want, knowing who you are,
25:40 knowing where you're going and deciding
25:43 if I'm going to get there
25:44 and I'm going to have someone along with me
25:46 there need to be someone who can contribute to this process.
25:49 So you have to know what you want
25:51 and when you date someone who you suddenly possess
25:55 a non-negotiable--
25:56 something you cannot have in this relationship,
25:58 end the relationship and move on. Yes.
26:01 We're running out of time,
26:03 we've got approximately two minutes left.
26:05 Why don't we just sum up what we've talked about here
26:07 because this is a wonderful topic, mate selection. Right.
26:11 And it starts with you and God following His timing,
26:15 His will and also then developing yourself,
26:18 making sure that you've taken care
26:20 of your relationship with God and your love issues
26:23 and then knowing who you are and where you're going. Yes.
26:26 What are your non-negotiables?
26:28 What are the things I absolutely have to have in a mate?
26:30 And then not settling for less.
26:32 It would be better to be single than to compromise your values
26:36 and marry someone who does not fit
26:38 what you need in your life for a mate. Yes.
26:41 And I think the last thing is just to trust that
26:43 God is capable. Yes.
26:45 That as you continue to grow in Him,
26:47 He can put you in the right place
26:49 and your potential mate in the right place
26:51 at the right time. Trust Him.
26:53 So you really don't want to lag behind,
26:55 you don't want to be ahead. That's right. Absolutely.
26:57 You know, you want to be in His timing
26:58 and so I know in my particular situation
27:00 I invite the Holy Spirit in daily. Yes.
27:02 You know, sometime hourly.
27:04 You know-- so that I know that my God
27:07 who could see the beginning from the end is there,
27:09 you know, to be that flashlight out
27:12 in front of me you might say, you know, so--
27:15 The one thing you want us to be in His timing
27:16 and in His will. Amen, amen.
27:20 Ladies and gentlemen, this has been an absolutely
27:22 wonderful, wonderful topic today.
27:25 We're talking with two people here
27:27 that certainly have walk the talk,
27:32 walk the walk and talk the talk
27:33 I guess that's the way it's put in everything.
27:35 Anyway we're glad you are here.
27:37 We are going to go to another topic after this
27:42 and it's dealing with communication.
27:43 So I'm sure that every one would like to know
27:45 more about how to communicate with each other.
27:48 We just want to thank you or being with us
27:50 today on "Issues and Answers."
27:52 We just ask that God bless you,
27:53 take care of you and guide you according to your faith.