Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Nancy Van Pelt
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000208
00:32 Hello I'm Shelley Quinn and welcome to
00:34 Issues and Answers. We are talking about
00:37 the true love for singles and today
00:40 that is our topic. Is true love, how to
00:43 recognize it, how to obtain it or grow
00:47 into it, and I have a scripture that
00:49 I want to share with you.
00:50 The scripture comes from the love chapter
00:53 in the Bible and that's 1 Corinthians,
00:54 chapter 13 and I'm gonna begin with
00:57 verse 4, I'm reading from the amplified.
01:00 This is God's definition of love,
01:03 love endures long and is patient and kind,
01:06 love never is envious nor boils over
01:09 with jealousy, love is not
01:11 boastful or vainglorious, does not
01:14 display itself haughtily
01:15 It is not conceited; it is not rude
01:19 and it does not act unbecomingly.
01:21 Love, God's love, does not insist on
01:25 its own rights or its own way,
01:27 for it is not self seeking or touchy.
01:31 Love never rejoice at injustice and
01:34 unrighteousness, but rejoices when
01:37 right and truth prevail. Love bears up under
01:41 anything and everything that comes along,
01:44 is ever ready to believe the best of
01:46 every person, its hopes are fadeless under
01:50 all circumstances, and it endures everything.
01:53 Love never fails you see love never fades out
01:57 or becomes obsolete;
01:59 it's not a conditional thing.
02:01 So, what we are going to be doing today is
02:03 talking with someone who has become a
02:06 favorite guest of ours here, I'm talking about
02:08 Nancy Van Pelt who is a certified family
02:10 life counselor and Nancy is the author of
02:14 many books, has traveled around the
02:15 world, and we are just so excited that she
02:18 is back with us again today.
02:19 Nancy, thank you so much for coming.
02:23 Well we're going to be talking today about
02:26 the what is true love, how to recognize it
02:30 and you know there is a mysterious symptoms
02:33 that are kind of come into to play when
02:35 two people are growing into this relationship,
02:40 this bond of true love. Let's talk about those.
02:43 Well it's kind of interesting but people
02:46 want to know do those butterflies in your
02:48 stomach mean that you are really in love.
02:51 And yes, it is one of those symptoms,
02:54 when you feel those icy fingers going up
02:57 and down your spine yes those are
03:00 symptoms but its determining whether
03:03 that's true love or infatuation.
03:06 Yes, but beyond just the icy fingers
03:09 and so forth it scientifically proven
03:13 that when you are falling in love,
03:15 your eyes gets shinier, really,
03:18 because there is more tear production
03:21 and there are other things you walk more
03:25 erectly and you are more open in
03:29 your gestures. People who are
03:31 not in love seem to hold their arms closer
03:36 to their bodies and well even cross
03:38 their arms, keep their heads down,
03:40 they don't smile as much.
03:43 So, there is an openness to people out
03:46 receptivity they call it a yes reaction
03:49 which also tells us that when people say
03:52 they don't have friends and they don't have
03:55 a dating relationship and they think they
03:58 never will, it may be their own reaction
04:02 to life that is keeping people away.
04:05 They're blaming everybody else but
04:08 actually every time you blame anybody else
04:10 you have three fingers pointing back
04:12 at yourself. It's their own
04:13 reaction they purse their lips more,
04:16 no smiling, they take smaller mincing steps
04:20 where as a person who is in love opens up
04:23 more and this is scientifically proven,
04:26 we have more adrenaline raising
04:29 through our system. You know its
04:31 interesting about that the Bible says
04:32 to be a friend, to have a friend,
04:34 you have to be one.
04:35 So, basically what you're saying is that
04:39 even though I mean these are
04:40 characteristics of someone who is in love
04:42 but these are also very attractive
04:44 characteristics, so someone who is not
04:47 "walking in love relationship"
04:50 at that moment, if they are all
04:52 closed off its almost like they are
04:54 closing off the opposite sex to them
04:57 because they are not nearly as attractive.
04:58 Right, and they are closing off their
05:00 possibilities of being attractive to
05:04 the opposite sex. That's interesting,
05:05 that's very interesting,
05:06 so if we are looking at these love symptoms
05:10 and as you said sometimes butterflies
05:12 can be just purely an infatuation
05:14 or attraction, but when you do
05:17 I know that as long as I've been
05:19 married to J.D. if we have been
05:20 separate for any amount of time and
05:23 then we see each other again its just
05:25 like the first time all over you have
05:27 those feelings going through and sometimes
05:29 just we walkout ready for church and
05:31 he just looks extra nice or something and
05:33 you get that feeling going on again,
05:35 so its good to know that,
05:37 that doesn't necessarily go away in
05:39 a marriage relationship,
05:41 but what goes on when people,
05:45 there are people who have unrealistic
05:49 expectations of their mate.
05:51 They kind have this idealistic outlook,
05:54 they think they are perfect.
05:55 They think they are perfect,
05:56 and this was so true in my own case
05:59 when I met Harry, I called him the
06:02 perfect man. I've succeeded
06:04 where all other women on the face of
06:06 this earth had failed.
06:07 I had found the perfect man and
06:10 I idealized him in my brain,
06:13 I took any good qualities he did have
06:16 and idealized them even more.
06:19 If anybody said well you need to look at
06:21 this aspect of this personality
06:24 I wouldn't even listen to it.
06:26 I was so busy idealizing him.
06:29 Well how long do you think this man
06:31 stayed perfect so, that was a rude
06:33 awakening for me after we were married,
06:36 but this is what people do,
06:38 and we'll all idealize prior to the time that
06:41 we are married. It's just a natural
06:43 characteristic apart of falling in love,
06:47 but we can't carry it too far.
06:49 I believe we need to stay in a relationship
06:51 for like two years and the first year,
06:54 a lot of idealization will be going on
06:58 in the relationship, I call it a time of
07:00 masking and but its hard to keep those
07:04 masks on for a long period of time.
07:06 They get hot, they get heavy,
07:09 they begin to slip and its after that first
07:11 year in a relationship where you begin to
07:14 recognize well yeah he is very good looking
07:17 and he is very good with children,
07:19 but I see some evidences that
07:21 he is not financially responsible.
07:23 He spends more money then he earns,
07:26 what is this going to do?
07:27 So, the mask is off now,
07:29 now you look at this person and you can
07:32 rationally think, alright I see
07:35 that he does this; this could turn out
07:36 to be a real negative,
07:38 should I go ahead with this
07:40 relationship or shall I back out.
07:42 Let me ask you something and
07:44 I don't mean to get this off target here
07:46 but as we're talking about this
07:48 idealization, I have a friend
07:51 who is really quite, physically pleasing,
07:56 she is a beautiful woman,
07:57 she is also a beautiful on the inside,
07:59 but unfortunately when she married
08:02 her husband married her as kind of what
08:05 they would call a trophy wife that he
08:08 married her because he thought she was
08:10 the ideal body type, she was the ideal,
08:13 you know everything about her looks
08:17 appealed to him. Now then after
08:20 they married and were married for
08:21 about 12 years, her body type
08:24 began to change, he began to,
08:27 I mean he still had this ideal in his head,
08:30 then he got involved in pornography and
08:34 that is how he I mean,
08:36 let me ask you when we do have this idea
08:41 of what its supposed to be like, we've got this,
08:44 we idolized our mate and they are not living
08:46 up to that what our ideal is,
08:49 we get into some dangerous zones
08:51 don't we. Some very
08:52 dangerous zones and one of these dangerous
08:54 zones is pornography, and it is so prevalent.
08:58 It is so easy to access especially since
09:02 computers came on the scene,
09:05 and people are using internet access to
09:09 porn at work, at home.
09:11 I just heard the other day of a wife who came
09:14 home unexpectedly from an overnight trip,
09:17 she walks into the bedroom and here is her
09:19 husband on the computer looking at pornography
09:23 and her two children are lying on the bed
09:25 just behind him. Oh! It is leading to
09:28 some very serious repercussions and
09:32 pornography is a very, very serious addiction
09:37 that people get into.
09:39 Both male and female can become addicted
09:41 to it, but because God made men more
09:45 visually oriented they have more trouble
09:50 and it just goes directly into
09:52 the brain, and it's so
09:55 addictive that I find that very few men
09:57 can give it up on their own.
09:59 They almost need to go into a
10:01 program to get rid of this habit.
10:05 And this is something with the easy access
10:09 that some people just out of curiosity might
10:11 checkout and then become involved,
10:15 it's titillating they go back again
10:17 and again and find that they do have a serious,
10:20 very serious problem.
10:23 What would you tell someone,
10:26 you see in my mind when I talk with women,
10:29 Jesus said that you have heard he say
10:31 that you should not commit adultery,
10:33 but I say to you that any women who or any
10:36 man who lust after a woman with his eyes
10:40 has already committed adultery.
10:42 So in my mind pornography is
10:45 spiritual adultery, would you agree
10:46 with that? I agree with that,
10:48 I have a seminar that I teach that gets
10:51 into this area of affairs and people tend
10:55 to classify all affairs on the same level,
10:58 but I see them from three
11:00 different avenues. One is an emotional
11:03 affair where no sex is taking place
11:06 but the couple is emotionally bonded,
11:09 so they have a meeting of the minds.
11:11 And a second type of affair is a sexual affair
11:16 and this is where I believe pornography
11:18 comes in because when you open yourself up
11:22 to pornography you are really allowing a
11:26 third party into your relationship,
11:29 that relationship is to be a sacred
11:32 circle around it, exactly,
11:34 not allowing anybody else into that
11:36 relationship, and that's what pornography does.
11:40 Now the third affair that I talk about is a
11:43 sexual and an emotional affair,
11:45 and of course that is where a couple is,
11:48 you know they become bonded outside of
11:52 marriage to somebody who is not
11:54 their partner, they are having
11:55 good sex and they have an emotional connection
11:58 as well, and that's where the most
12:00 serious repercussions come from.
12:02 Okay so kind of jump track just a little bit,
12:05 when go to spacube it still fits in,
12:07 if we're looking for true love and there are
12:11 number of couples out there who believe that
12:13 pornographic materials can improve a
12:16 relationship in order, you know just
12:18 watching and viewing it as a couple and its a
12:21 very destructive, impure and unhealthy
12:25 thing to become involved in.
12:27 But let's go back to here someone is
12:31 feeling the butterflies, they got
12:34 the real you know they really have this
12:36 strong sensation that this is the person,
12:40 maybe they had been through a friendship
12:42 stage casual dating. Now they are
12:44 coming into a more serious dating.
12:45 How do you know as long as you are not
12:49 holding up unrealistic idealization of this
12:51 person how do you know if this is real
12:54 love or its not? It's a process of
12:57 getting to find out and in my book
13:00 Smart Love I talk about 12 ways of evaluating
13:04 a relationship and one is to recognize
13:09 that love takes times, amen,
13:11 and for anybody to say oh!
13:13 I fell in love at first sight is not realistic.
13:17 You may fall in like but people don't say
13:20 that I fell in like at first sight.
13:22 You may like everything that you see about
13:25 that person, they may be physically appealing,
13:27 the right height, the right coloring just
13:30 the way you imagine your true love to be.
13:32 But you still have a long way to go before
13:36 you have found whether you have true love.
13:39 I say that love grows like a tree grows.
13:43 I talked to one woman who got on one of these
13:45 ocean to ocean flights from San Francisco
13:48 to Boston or something like that,
13:50 you know and five hours in the plane
13:52 and she was sat next to a man that she,
13:56 when she get off the plane she said oh!
13:57 I'm so in love with him,
14:00 he is absolutely perfect.
14:01 I know more about him we talked to five hours
14:04 we never stopped, I know more about
14:06 him than I've never known about any
14:08 other man. Well she is probably
14:10 just met up with a sanguine man who opened
14:12 himself up to her, but it is easy to
14:16 talk to somebody you do not know that well.
14:19 Its not that risky, it is more difficult
14:23 to talk to somebody that you have a real
14:25 connection with because there is a risk there,
14:28 there is fear that person could use
14:30 some of the information against you.
14:33 But you cannot tell in five hours whether
14:37 you like this person or love this person.
14:41 Its only time now that's going
14:44 to tell you. Well the other
14:45 thing is that's what I call fantasy
14:47 conversations that a lot of time people
14:50 who are meeting in that kind of an instance
14:51 what they will be doing is just merely sharing
14:54 fantasies about who, now this is what
14:56 I do for my profession and they build
14:58 themselves up just to kind a give their ego
15:01 a little boost for few hours, yes right,
15:03 but then how do you know if it is
15:05 true love. Well as I said
15:09 is a long process of evaluation but in the
15:12 end you got to look at whether you can
15:16 bring that person, are you as
15:18 interested in that person's welfare as you
15:21 are in your own. That is a really
15:24 good definition for love, not some of the
15:29 other silly definitions that you might hear
15:32 because true love is really unselfish love.
15:36 So, anytime you're gratifying your
15:39 own desires primarily, it becomes very
15:43 selfish and true love does not act that way.
15:46 You know now I'm gonna say something
15:48 that I hope I don't get into trouble
15:49 for saying, but one thing
15:51 that I do when I'm counseling with
15:54 young teenage girls is I share something that
15:57 my mother told me that just because a boy says
16:01 I love you, and it doesn't mean
16:06 that he really loves you.
16:07 It may mean that he wants something from
16:10 you that you might not otherwise be willing
16:12 to give him, and I'll tell them sometimes
16:15 boys will say if you love me,
16:18 you would go all the way with me.
16:22 You wouldn't worry about just stopping at
16:24 a kiss but you would go all the way.
16:26 It doesn't matter whether you're a
16:29 teenager or an adult, single again even,
16:32 say you've been married and single again.
16:34 Would you agree that true love will keep
16:40 itself pure and not try to manipulate with
16:43 that type of a comment. Yes and I have a
16:46 whole lesson that I teach is called lines
16:49 guys use and why girls believe them.
16:53 But now they have even the score in this
16:55 day and age, I also have to
16:56 give lines girls are using as well, mercy,
17:00 because that goes both directions.
17:02 But a guy will say that if you love me
17:06 you'll let me. This is the oldest
17:09 line has been used since the beginning of
17:12 time, the girls have to evaluate that.
17:14 When it's all over, what proof will you
17:17 have that he really does love you.
17:20 Chances are he used you and the younger
17:25 a couple is, the more I would say that is true
17:29 because what does two 13 year olds for
17:33 example really know about true love.
17:36 They are trying to meet other needs,
17:40 these are still children yet who have
17:44 not the maturity to evaluate a
17:47 relationship. Well but in a
17:49 mature relationship, lets say this is
17:51 someone who has been married and now
17:53 they are single again, may be both have
17:57 been divorced and they are meeting.
17:59 True love limits physical contact in the
18:05 sense that if you're trying to do this
18:08 God's way and you love someone you're
18:11 willing to wait, would you agree with that?
18:12 I agree with that 100 percent yes,
18:16 but even then two committed Christians
18:19 get so caught up in their own emotions,
18:23 so what we have to do is be,
18:26 make wise choices in where we are going
18:28 and how we are spending our time, yes.
18:31 And single adults have different issues to
18:34 face than teenagers do. I find single adults
18:37 are taking vacations together,
18:39 they are going on cruises together,
18:45 sharing the same room,
18:47 they are camping together,
18:51 sharing the same tent. Oh!
18:53 We stayed in separate sleeping bags.
18:56 Oh! Let us not game play we are not even
19:00 to play with fire, we are not even
19:03 to give the appearance of evil, right.
19:06 I had one couple who were sleeping together
19:11 but not having sex. Now this almost
19:15 sounds silly but that's what they were
19:18 telling me. I said to him
19:19 what is it like to watch her get undressed and
19:23 he said it is awful and tears began.
19:27 She had no idea she was affecting him this way.
19:30 Well guess what the couple who were
19:33 sleeping together but not having sex,
19:35 she got pregnant and then she had
19:38 an abortion, terrible after effects to this
19:41 relationship where they were not
19:43 following God's plan, yes.
19:46 So, true love then we can say is one where
19:50 your concern is for the other persons welfare
19:54 even sometimes above your own,
19:56 and its particularly when it comes to
19:59 the sexual intimacy and avoiding premarital sex,
20:05 say if it's the man and he really loves you
20:07 and he knows that this is, you both
20:09 discussed this is important that even
20:11 though his desires may be strong,
20:13 he will not try in any way to coerce you
20:16 into that and may be perhaps and I've heard
20:18 cases of this where both couple or both
20:22 individuals of the couple have agreed not
20:25 to have sex and then one gives in and says
20:27 it may be the female come and say I'm ready
20:30 and he is saying no I know this is important
20:32 we discussed it and he you know his head
20:35 say even though this was what I wanted
20:38 at the moment because I loved her
20:40 I knew what that would do to her later.
20:42 So, its something they should discuss
20:44 together, and make sure that one or the
20:47 other is gonna be strong in all times.
20:48 You do that by not making provision for
20:51 the flesh avoiding these opportunities.
20:53 But now also true love how would you say is
20:58 there a way when you get around family and
21:00 friends that you can test whether
21:03 your relationship is true love.
21:05 Yes its kind of interesting that they
21:08 say that if your family and friends approve
21:12 it's a good sign, yes, and they can see
21:16 things in a potential partner that we cannot
21:20 since they are not emotionally involved,
21:23 and if your friends and family disapprove
21:28 they say to really be careful which in
21:32 especially young people will say well
21:36 I'm not marrying him, I'm not marrying his
21:39 family I'm only marrying him.
21:41 No we cannot separate a marital partner
21:44 from their family and we don't recognize
21:47 that sometimes before we are married but
21:51 there are holidays that come after we're going
21:54 to be thrown together and if that person does
21:57 not approve, it can have lasting
21:59 repercussions through all the years to come.
22:02 Oh! Absolutely, and you know one thing
22:04 I always tell people is if you hear your parents
22:08 or your family is saying or your friends
22:11 saying he is not for you or she is not
22:13 for you, you bet its hard to hear
22:15 that if you think you are in love,
22:17 but you better stop and really examine carefully
22:22 and its much better to suffer a small
22:25 heartache now than it would be to marry
22:27 the wrong person, and have to suffer
22:30 heartache the rest of your life because
22:31 I can't tell you how often I've heard
22:34 someone say if only I had listened to my
22:37 mother, if only I had listened to my
22:38 best friend she said this is not the right
22:42 person for you, so that's very,
22:44 very important. How do you feel
22:47 about true love if you are really in love
22:52 with someone? Do you see them
22:54 as we were talking earlier as just being
22:56 this ideal and you see them as faultless,
22:59 or it's that someone who is just totally
23:01 infatuated? Does real love
23:03 recognize the faults of others?
23:05 Real love when you get to a certain point,
23:07 real love will recognize the fault.
23:09 Now you will always idealize to a point
23:13 but you'll get to the place where you are
23:16 a little bit better at evaluating the
23:19 real person underneath,
23:21 but it's not going to happen soon,
23:23 you again have to get pass that first year
23:26 of dating before you begin to see any
23:29 of these faults at all.
23:31 And when you do see those faults,
23:34 is it something that true love is gonna
23:38 say okay, I see this in him,
23:41 but I can live with it. It should but even
23:48 then there are so many variables to this
23:51 that this, what we are talking
23:53 about right now is really one of the most
23:56 difficult areas, how can a person tell.
24:00 You know I'm going to invent a thermometer
24:03 that you can put in your mouth and take
24:07 your temperature to a certain degree and if it
24:09 measures to a certain degree it means that
24:12 you have found true love.
24:13 Until I get that thermometer invented
24:17 I can make a lot of money of that
24:19 thermometer, yeah, but until then we have
24:21 to use our heads and look at the entire
24:24 relationship, not just one factor
24:27 but all of the factors. I tell people that
24:31 if they find one red flag area,
24:33 one area where they are not well matched
24:37 to take a real careful look about going ahead.
24:42 If they find a second area,
24:44 you're going through a caution right now
24:47 because three major problems to over come
24:50 in a relationship is almost more than any
24:54 couple can do. Well you know
24:56 I think that's some wise counsel,
24:59 and by my last question when I was asking
25:01 if you look at a, let me restate it this way.
25:05 If someone can recognize the fault in
25:09 another person and say I can live
25:11 without trying to change it.
25:13 It's a better sign than saying,
25:16 okay I can marry him or her but I'll change
25:20 her because that's not real love is it?
25:23 That is not love; love does not act that way.
25:26 Love does not try to manipulate another
25:30 person, and when we try to change
25:32 another person we get into nagging,
25:35 fault finding, criticism, blame God.
25:39 Yes, what does this do to a relationship?
25:43 None of us want to be married to somebody
25:46 who is going to criticize us or find
25:48 faults or try to change us.
25:50 We want to be married to somebody who will
25:53 accept us just the way we are,
25:56 that's what God does.
25:58 He may not always like everything that
26:01 we do but we can always be assured of his love
26:05 and this is the way we need to do with a
26:07 partner after we are married.
26:09 Before we are married,
26:11 the world is wide open to us,
26:13 we have unlimited possibilities
26:15 for marriage. But after we
26:18 are married, we have to
26:20 live within the confined of what
26:22 that person can offer us,
26:24 and we cannot try to change them
26:26 at that point. So we've got
26:30 to do any changing that needs to be done,
26:32 needs to be done before the wedding
26:34 takes place not afterwards.
26:37 Or just in recognizing that it is something
26:39 that if its not too bad that you can live
26:42 with it, I can live with it, or wait
26:44 and hope that you can just say okay
26:47 Lord he is your son you deal with him
26:48 because it is going to be him and God
26:51 working together or the female
26:53 and God working together.
26:54 You know we are running out of time in
26:56 a real hurry here and it just,
26:58 I feel like we've just barely touched on
27:00 this topic. How can you
27:02 know if its true love?
27:03 Well first of all true love is unselfish,
27:06 it is something that people when you really
27:10 love someone you want what's best for them,
27:12 not just what's best for you.
27:14 And if its true love you are going to
27:16 accept that person as they are,
27:18 and not that you are going to marry them
27:20 and change them. True love is
27:22 something that your family ought to be
27:24 approving of and see take for grant,
27:26 now don't take for granted,
27:28 but take advantage of what other people think
27:30 of you relationship. These are just
27:32 a few things, I tell you what
27:33 it went by way too fast you got to come
27:35 back again Nancy Van Pelt thank you so
27:38 very much, and I want to thank all of you
27:42 for joining us and I pray that you'll go
27:46 back to 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 regards
27:50 definition of love because that's the
27:51 only way you gonna know if its true.