Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Nancy Van Pelt
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000205
00:31 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn and welcome again
00:33 to Issues and Answers. Today,
00:34 we have a very important issue to talk about;
00:37 especially if you are single and dating and,
00:40 and we're gonna talking about how to spot
00:44 danger signals in a relationship.
00:46 Let me share the scripture with you.
00:48 The Bible says in Galatians 6 verse,
00:51 I'll start with verse 19. It says,
00:53 "Now these are the practices of flesh and,
00:57 it goes on to say these are clear,
00:59 immortality, impurity, indecency; idolatry,
01:03 sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger,
01:06 selfishness, divisions, party spirits, envy,
01:10 drunkenness, carousing and the like,
01:12 I warn you before hand, just as I did previously,
01:15 that those who do such things shall not
01:18 inherit the Kingdom of God." You know,
01:21 this is a warning more for it's,
01:24 it's a warning for all of us indeed,
01:27 but it is a particular warning that we want
01:29 to focus on today with, if you are single,
01:32 we want to talk to you about smart love for
01:35 relationships and what to watch out for in dating.
01:39 And we have a very special guest with us;
01:41 she is a certified Family Life Educator.
01:44 She's written 28 books, she's been to 55 countries,
01:47 soon to be 57 and she is a popular guest here
01:51 at 3ABN. And I'm talking about Nancy Van Pelt.
01:54 Nancy, once again what a joy to have you.
01:57 Thank you, pleasure to be here.
01:58 Well, we're gonna be talking about something
02:01 today that actually this is one that will cover
02:04 all ranges of all ages because we have heard
02:09 so much on the news and then when I go out
02:11 and minister I hear so often people who are
02:13 involved in bad relationships.
02:15 And unfortunately some people saw these
02:18 warning signs when they were dating,
02:21 but they didn't pay attention to red flags
02:23 that were going up, they thought they could
02:24 change the person they married them and
02:26 they're miserable in their marriages.
02:28 So, let's talk about the danger signals
02:30 in relationships. It is an important subject
02:34 because in interviews that have been done,
02:36 they've found that about 38% of people
02:40 recognize these dangerous signals before they
02:43 got married and they went ahead and got
02:45 married anyway. Even though they could see
02:48 all these issues. It doesn't make sense.
02:50 It doesn't make sense, no. That doesn't make
02:52 any sense at all. If you are in a relationship
02:56 where there is a whole lot of arguing and
02:58 fighting going on and you think that once
03:00 you get married it's going to get better,
03:03 somebody has pulled the wool over your eyes.
03:05 Somebody is pulling somebody, yes.
03:07 Arguing and fighting is one of the big issues,
03:11 because it's an indication that you are
03:13 conflicting on something you probably have
03:16 conflicting goals or values there and another
03:21 thing that you need to look at is how long
03:23 the arguments are and how loud they are
03:27 because we could be getting into anger issues
03:30 and this kind of thing. You know, I'm thinking
03:32 back to when our son was dating a girl by
03:35 the name of Anna. They could do more arguing
03:39 even on the telephone, but one day Anna
03:42 came it was a long distance relationship,
03:45 so she came to visit us and she got dressed
03:48 and Mark was taking her out for a dinner
03:51 that night. And they left and I started waving
03:55 goodbye and so forth. And Mark hadn't even
03:57 gotten a block away before I saw him throw
04:00 that car into reverse, back it up.
04:03 She gets out, she's crying, he drives off.
04:07 Now, I have a crying girl on my hands and I said,
04:09 what's the trouble? She said,
04:11 he didn't like what I was wearing.
04:13 These two could argue about anything and I said,
04:17 Mark, if you argue this much before
04:20 you're married, what's going to happen after
04:23 you're married? Yeah, and you know,
04:25 sometimes it seems to me that when you
04:28 have someone who is incredibly argumentative,
04:31 it is a form of manipulation and control.
04:34 It is, this is a definitely a control issue and
04:37 what we need to look at is how who's winning
04:41 and who's losing. Now, none of us mind losing
04:45 once in a while, but none of us want to be on
04:48 the losing end all of the time, so this is what
04:51 makes it a control issue. And when you eyed
04:55 to me, you know and, and I, I'm very blessed Nancy
04:59 and I think you and Harry have a great
05:00 relationship, JD and I have a wonderful
05:02 relationship. He's a peacemaker,
05:04 I'm a peacemaker. And I don't like arguing and
05:08 I think in nearly 20 years of marriage we've had
05:11 two arguments and, and what and,
05:13 I mean not that we don't disagree,
05:16 but we don't argue when we disagree.
05:19 We talk about it, we communicate well;
05:21 to me when someone breaks into an argument
05:24 it's also a signal that they cannot communicate
05:27 well and if they don't get this taken care
05:30 of while they're dating, certainly it's not
05:33 going to go away when they get here. Not
05:35 going to get any better and they do not have
05:38 the conflict resolution skills and I believe
05:41 this is number one that any couple needs
05:45 to have is the ability to talk about things
05:48 respectfully without undo anger,
05:53 if they can communicate and lay their reasons
05:56 down and negotiate to some kind of a,
05:58 a conclusion that is amendable to both of them
06:02 then we have a couple who can make a good
06:04 marriage. And isn't it true that when
06:07 couples are, are dating and usually they're
06:10 on their best behavior when they're dating.
06:12 And that's what interesting to me,
06:13 if you think someone's on their best behavior
06:15 and you see this argumentative, this
06:17 fighting, this wanting to just be at each other's
06:20 throats all the time. It, it is just a signal
06:24 that there is more under the surface and
06:26 quite often what you see particularly in young.
06:30 I'm, I mean I don't know the statistics like you do,
06:33 but I particularly when I'm counseling with
06:36 couples or and I'm talking about parents actually
06:39 who have young children, who get involved
06:41 teenagers and college aged students,
06:44 who are involved in a very heated,
06:48 what's the word that I'm looking for?
06:50 An explosive relationship is what I'm thinking of.
06:53 They're usually, that's the tip of the iceberg
06:57 and often it escalates to become something
06:59 more than just an exchange of words.
07:01 Exactly, and this doesn't always come out until
07:04 after the couple is married. And this is what
07:07 I'm trying to get couples to do, is look at these
07:10 issues before we get married.
07:12 Take your time now, not wait until after
07:15 we're married and then go into the counseling
07:17 scene. Nobody wants to take the time;
07:20 they don't like the word counseling, no,
07:22 prior to the time that they're married.
07:23 We don't have any problems, we don't need
07:25 counseling, but yes call, call a premarital
07:28 guidance, call it what you may,
07:30 but sort through these issues. And by the way,
07:33 this is one of these issues that this prepare
07:36 test that I was mentioning in a previous show,
07:40 this would point out your ability to look at
07:44 issues and discuss them and negotiate through
07:48 to a clear resolution that both of you could
07:50 be happy with. Yes! Well, now Mark and Anna
07:54 didn't get married, did they? No, they didn't.
07:56 No, they didn't. And it's a good thing they
07:57 did not. So, was this is a stage that Mark was
08:00 going through or it was something that it was,
08:02 because they had different goals maybe
08:05 what she was wearing was too revealing or.
08:08 It, it, it was a lot of different things because
08:10 Mark is an arguer. I always say he missed
08:12 his occupation, he should, he should have been
08:14 a lawyer you know. He enjoyed that kind
08:17 of things, so he would need a partner then
08:20 that would enjoy arguing because that was
08:23 kind of challenging to him and such,
08:26 it needs to be included with that,
08:28 needs to be the respect, no name calling
08:32 and not escalating to the point of anger.
08:36 So, when you're, when you're using the word
08:38 arguing then you can use the word argue
08:40 for a disagreement. See when I, when I think
08:42 of argue I'm thinking of something that's getting
08:45 a little more heated and this is a very dangerous
08:49 thing when it starts, when somebody starts
08:51 raising their voice, when they do start making
08:54 you know, some slurs or name calling to me
08:58 that's a real danger signal. I think it is true
09:00 because then we go into all your anger issues,
09:04 but yes, I would like to see people handle it,
09:07 discuss it prior to the time that it gets into
09:11 a full blown argument, its too late because the
09:13 emotions get too high, too involved at that point.
09:17 Okay. So, this is a danger signal,
09:19 we're gonna come back to this 'cause we're
09:20 gonna look at several danger signals and then
09:22 talk about these in more details. What's another,
09:24 another danger signal? Another danger signal
09:26 is abuse. Now, why would a, a woman,
09:30 men can be abused also, but major,
09:33 the major issue here is for women.
09:35 Now, why would a women stay in a relationship
09:38 that is abusive. First of all we think of
09:41 physical abuse, when we talk about the word
09:43 abuse? But physical abuse is generally speaking
09:47 not the first indication of an abusive relationship.
09:51 Generally it starts with control, yes. And
09:55 he has to know where you are every minute,
09:58 where you are going; who you are with,
10:00 is control issues? He may want to reach you
10:04 by a cell phone and people that are not
10:08 experienced relationships and the controlling
10:11 behavior of others. Sometimes think that this
10:14 is oh! He loves me so much he just can't leave
10:17 me alone, but that's how it begins is with control.
10:21 One fellow even followed his girlfriend
10:24 to a hairdresser to make sure that she got
10:27 her hair cut and styled in a way that he wanted.
10:31 So, it goes into all areas of life and later
10:34 on it can go into a physical abuse.
10:37 Now, control also can mean that maybe they
10:40 start this to me is a huge danger signal
10:43 is when you see that they start limiting your
10:46 circle of friends, yes, limiting your involvement
10:49 with your family, that's when it's really dangerous.
10:53 Yes, it gets very dangerous then and
10:56 also when it finally does explode into
11:01 a physical confrontation. One fellow,
11:05 if the girl was standing against the wall and
11:07 he comes up with his fist and he puts his fist
11:10 through the wall. He never touched her,
11:12 but what message was he sending her.
11:15 Oh! Absolutely! You, you crossed me baby and
11:18 you're gonna get, you're gonna get this right
11:20 on the face next time. Now, let's look at the
11:22 issue now, why would a woman stay in this kind
11:26 of a relationship? First of all, she maybe
11:28 desperate, she maybe used to abusive
11:31 relationships, but whatever the reason,
11:33 it is a self esteem issue. Yes. And only when
11:37 a woman has enough worth, self worth to say,
11:40 I'm not taking this any more and walking away
11:43 from it. And maybe a third category that is
11:48 that's you know the Bible says,
11:49 "We become who we Behold." Well,
11:52 if a woman has seen a in her own family
11:57 relationship between her mother and father,
11:59 if her father was abusive and controlling
12:02 of her mother then she watched her mother
12:05 take that and she has begun to get this picture
12:07 that this is what it's going to be like,
12:09 so she does take it, but that's a very,
12:12 I mean there's a lot of reasons that people
12:15 might take that and all unhealthy.
12:17 Yes! And stay in a relationship like that,
12:20 yeah. One other things that I do is talk to women
12:23 at abuse centers, right, and teach them about
12:26 the worth that God really places on a woman
12:30 and they have to learn this first or they're
12:32 going to go right back into abusive relationships.
12:36 And at a break time one woman came to me
12:38 and she said, Nancy, I have a 5-year-old son.
12:42 And she said, he has seen me be dragged
12:44 around by my hair and used as a punching bag,
12:47 is this going to effect him? Yes, of course
12:51 because we are seeing a young man he's not
12:54 going to think of women as having any worth
12:57 at all and he's growing up in that environment
13:00 and he is going to do the same thing because
13:03 he doesn't and never learned to respect
13:05 a woman. You know, it is so amazing because
13:08 truly, when the Bible says, "We become who
13:10 we Behold." You'd be surprised how many
13:12 people that I've counseled with in the past,
13:14 who were abused by their parents and then
13:17 grew up and abused their children? And they said,
13:19 I always swore I would never do this and
13:22 I can't believe that I've done it,
13:24 but that cycle does repeat itself.
13:26 And for a, there's just one thing that I have
13:28 to pick on upright now because when Nancy
13:30 was talking about the self worth issue,
13:33 I just don't want to miss this opportunity,
13:35 something the Lord really impressed upon me
13:37 once to share with others is to say this,
13:41 that no matter who you are, no matter what
13:43 your circumstances are right now,
13:45 you may not have ever even received Christ
13:47 as your Savior, but the Bible says in Romans 5:8
13:51 that He sent His son to die for you while you
13:53 were still a sinner. And let me tell you about
13:55 the worth that God puts on you as an individual.
13:58 He says, you are worth nothing less than the
14:02 price that He paid to redeem you with the
14:05 precious life blood of His son.
14:07 So, you have great worth to God and He puts
14:10 value on you and He wants you to put value
14:13 on your life. So, we've got these danger signals
14:17 that we're looking at the, the idea of,
14:20 we've, we've gone from someone that's has
14:23 anger, they're argumentative.
14:25 Now, if they become abusive we're looking at
14:28 not just the physical abuse which,
14:31 if someone touches you, my sister lived in a very,
14:35 her first husband abused her terribly,
14:38 broke her jaw, broke her ribs, broke her nose
14:43 and each time he would tell her.
14:45 I will never do this again and each time she
14:48 bought that, but that is just a sickness.
14:51 But now there is also that verbally,
14:54 I mean people can be condescending to someone,
14:57 that's a form of abuse, isn't it? Yes,
15:00 they call this an emotional abuse, verbal abuse.
15:05 People continue to stay in verbally abusive
15:08 relationships and that can be as damaging,
15:12 look at it this way. When, when, you, you,
15:16 you get hit on the arm is going to cause
15:18 a bruise. How long does that bruise stay there?
15:22 You know, a week, 10 days the bruise goes
15:25 away and soon doesn't heard anymore.
15:27 And you forget that you were ever hit there,
15:31 right, but when you are verbally abused especially
15:34 if this verbal abuse goes on year after year
15:37 after year. The wounds that come from verbal
15:40 abuse last, if it starts in childhood,
15:44 a person can be 40 years old, 50 years old,
15:47 60years old, still living in the shadow of that
15:51 abuse that happened years ago. Yes.
15:53 So, verbal abuse can be even worse because
15:56 of the lasting effects of it. Yes,
15:59 so if you've got someone who is being
16:02 condescending and acting like they think
16:05 you're stupid or I mean this is another danger
16:08 signal because. Another danger signal.
16:11 This is something that someone is not,
16:13 I mean this means that they're showing a lack
16:14 of respect for you and that they really don't
16:19 appreciate your value as a person,
16:20 so that is an abusive form. And if they don't
16:22 respect you before you were married they
16:24 are not going to respect you after you are married.
16:27 Amen, amen. Okay! So, what's another danger
16:30 signal? Another one is conflicting goals
16:33 and values, yes. And if one person wants
16:37 a home in the country with a dog and family
16:41 and home schooled children that kind of life.
16:44 And the other person likes the fast city life
16:48 with big cars and nights of the Opera.
16:52 You know, what we have a conflict of,
16:55 of goals and values here. And this couple can
17:00 pray together, they can see counseling,
17:02 they can read books, attend seminars and
17:05 you know what they are never going to
17:07 solve this problem. Amen. Their, their,
17:11 their in goals are too different.
17:14 And that's something that it people do not
17:16 have any idea till they do get married how
17:19 critical that is, I mean it may be a problem and
17:22 when we say that this is a danger signal.
17:24 This is a, a signal that your relationships
17:27 in danger that you probably shouldn't go
17:29 forward and get married until you, they say,
17:32 opposites attracts sometimes,
17:34 but if your value system particularly say that
17:36 you're of different religious backgrounds or
17:39 persuasions, if one is a Sunday keeper,
17:42 one's a Sabbath keeper, if one is a Christian and
17:46 one's an Agnostic. These are things that
17:48 the Bible says, do not be unequally yoked,
17:50 that's our, our Lord's counsel to us.
17:53 And these are things that can really make
17:55 a difference in the happiness of our
17:56 relationship. You see, we get into other
17:59 areas here, now we get into money. You see,
18:03 how we use money is a value?
18:06 How we use our time? Time is a value.
18:11 So, this is where we get into some of these
18:16 areas and spiritual these three, three are,
18:19 are three big areas that couples don't want
18:23 to look at. I just heard on the plane out here
18:26 to 3ABN. Somebody was talking about a couple,
18:30 he is a, a, a financier of some kind met somebody
18:34 at a singles retreat. The two of them married
18:37 and they're having big money problems right now.
18:41 Both intelligent people discussed many things
18:44 prior to the times that they were married,
18:46 but never discussed finances. Yeah.
18:50 I mean this is, this is craziness because this
18:52 again is one of these values and this is where
18:56 again this testing would come in very handy
18:59 because it would test you. How would you both
19:01 think about money? Who, who should handle it?
19:05 How it should be handled? How are we going
19:06 to spend this money? How much do you believe
19:09 in Credit Card use? How much do you believe
19:12 in paying by cash? How much should be
19:14 donated to spiritual activities? These,
19:18 we get into all of these areas.
19:20 Yeah, I have a friend who you know;
19:22 the Bible says that one of the gifts of the
19:24 Holy Spirit is the gift of giving. And she has the
19:27 gift of giving. I mean she usually double tithes,
19:30 but then her offerings and then what she does
19:33 to support. You know, this woman would
19:35 just literally give away the shirt off her bag.
19:37 She works hard makes good money,
19:39 but she's just a giver. It creates so many
19:42 problems in the relationship with her
19:44 husband because he on the other hand is very
19:46 tight, he doesn't want to give and he,
19:49 they stay mad at each other and each other's
19:51 throats over this very issue all the time.
19:54 Now, notice Shelley they could still both the
19:57 members of the same religious groups and
20:00 differ on finances, but if one was the Sabbath
20:04 keeper and really into giving and the other
20:08 was not and not into giving, we have double
20:11 trouble, yes, then at that point. Yes.
20:15 So, this, this likeness in spiritual values is very
20:19 important also, but money is a value.
20:22 So, we have to be very careful.
20:24 Even how we use time? Time being a value I,
20:28 I'm very time oriented. Now, if you are the
20:33 efficiency expert, who do you marry?
20:36 The slow and easy going kind, I don't know
20:38 why God put the two of us together,
20:41 but my husband is very, very slow,
20:44 but I need him to slow me down a little bit,
20:47 but here he needs me to speed him up a
20:51 little bit. So, in our case this has worked out,
20:54 but I want you to know something,
20:55 there are still times, when I would like to light
20:58 a fire cracker under Harry? But now so,
21:01 then what you're saying is, is we're discussing
21:03 this as dangerous signals. It depends on your
21:06 ability when it comes to values it's hard to,
21:13 it's hard to accept somebody who's value
21:15 system is different in yours, I mean those are
21:17 serious problems, but if your goals and like,
21:20 if he's not as time oriented as you are,
21:23 you're saying that, if you can work those out that,
21:26 it, it isn't always a signal that you're not
21:28 going to be able to be successful relationship.
21:32 You just have to know you're gonna meet some
21:33 challenges and face them. You're gonna have
21:35 some challenges. Now, with Harry and me,
21:37 I'm extremely organized and time efficient.
21:41 And he is extremely slow, so it has,
21:44 it has created a few problems for us,
21:46 but if somebody else is more moderate in their
21:49 extremes then we are, it would not present
21:52 enough problems, but this is been a real challenge
21:54 for Harry and me to workout,
21:57 we have worked it out, but it has not been easy.
21:59 Okay! You know, what about,
22:01 what's another signal that that would be a
22:04 real danger signal for relationship.
22:06 Another interesting one is what I call a BTN.
22:11 BTN. What's a BTN? A BTN is better than nothing.
22:17 Oh! It means you're settling for something.
22:18 You're settling, you know you're pressing forty,
22:22 the biological clock is running out,
22:26 your inner relationship is good looking,
22:28 he, he's been married twice before,
22:32 but we're not going to you know,
22:35 that past doesn't matter. Even he's got some
22:38 qualities that you're not too much in favor of,
22:42 but most of the time you get along pretty
22:45 good and there's nobody else around right now.
22:49 And you've been together two years now and
22:52 it becomes so difficult to break up a relationship
22:56 after a two year time frame, so we just drag
22:59 on and drag on, it's an easy comfortable
23:03 relationship. In the mean time you're building
23:07 quite a history together, so it gets very,
23:10 very difficult to break out of a relationship like
23:14 that it's not a good one, it's not a bad one,
23:16 but it's better than nothing. We have to,
23:18 we have, we can go places together,
23:21 people now see us as a couple. Yeah.
23:25 So, it just drags on. So, that's just,
23:27 that something that's dangerous because
23:29 when you get married, then if that is your
23:31 commitment or your attitude.
23:33 The commitment is very weak in the beginning.
23:36 Yes, and people who stay in BTNs really do not
23:41 have high self esteem, if they really valued who
23:46 they were, they would see that this relationship,
23:49 the relationship of this time, type would be
23:51 tearing them down. We don't stay
23:54 in relationships; we shouldn't stay in
23:55 relationships that are not contributing to our
23:59 welfare. So, if a relationship is not
24:02 positive and it's not really going some place
24:06 you know, that God cannot bless your
24:08 future together. I, I might say against
24:12 spiritual oneness people will stay in a BTN
24:17 relationship with somebody of the opposite sex
24:21 who is not of their same religious persuasion
24:25 just because, well there is nobody else
24:27 surround right now. And he's a better Christian
24:30 than others that I've known, maybe even
24:32 Sabbath keepers. So, they make up all kinds
24:36 of excuses, but if that person is not contributing
24:41 to your self worth and you know really it's a BTN.
24:45 It is time to get out. Yeah, you know when
24:48 we're talking about differences and value
24:50 systems, it just occurred to me that even,
24:53 I have one couple that I knew that he was very
24:56 physical, he liked to go rock climbing,
24:59 he liked to be in the great outdoors and she
25:01 was very much you know, she preferred to stay
25:04 home and knit you know. And they had a lot
25:07 of difficulties in their relationships and
25:10 eventually broke up over this because they, they
25:12 had two lifestyles. So, lifestyle and, and truly,
25:16 if there is a spiritual oneness with God,
25:19 which First Corinthians 6:17 says,
25:22 that those were in Christ Jesus are one in spirit
25:25 with God. If you've got one person who's got
25:28 a spiritual oneness with the Lord and the other
25:30 doesn't, the lifestyle factor comes in because
25:35 the one with the relationship with God's
25:37 gonna want to spend more time in the Bible
25:40 and prayer, devotion having that private time
25:42 with the Lord, going to church frequently,
25:45 whereas the other may say, well I don't wanna
25:47 go to your church, if they keep a different day
25:50 of worship, the tithe issues, there are so many
25:53 things that come into play and this is a danger
25:55 relationship, it is, a danger signal.
25:58 And in the early stages of dating generally one
26:01 is more accommodating, yes, and just to be,
26:06 to be easy, they'll go to church with the other one.
26:11 And they'll move along like this without any open
26:16 war of any kind. And so, the person thinks well
26:21 they're converting, they're coming around my
26:23 way of thinking. And then it does not really open
26:26 up till after marriage, when the masks come off.
26:30 I talk a lot about masking during these two years.
26:34 That's the reason I recommend two years
26:36 of dating prior to the time that a couple gets
26:39 married because a mask can't be worn for two
26:43 years, you can mask up till like a year of dating,
26:48 but after that the mask gets heavy,
26:50 it gets hard, it begins to slip, that's good,
26:54 and so that's when the real person begins to
26:57 come out. So, these three months courtships,
27:01 this just doesn't work, it just doesn't work.
27:03 Well, then let me try to recap just a little,
27:06 if you're in a relationship and you have someone
27:09 who is very argumentative maybe they are actually
27:13 fighting with you, not just verbally,
27:16 but there if it escalates to any kind of a
27:18 physical involvement where they're hurting you,
27:21 get out of that relationship,
27:22 and that is a danger signal, but the others
27:25 you want to watch out for as well because
27:27 it could be a danger that you are not going
27:30 to have a successful marriage if relationship
27:33 were to continue. Nancy thank you,
27:34 so much our time went by so fast I'm sorry,
27:38 but we're so glad you're here and we want you
27:39 to come back again. And for those of you
27:41 at home we just thank you for joining us today.
27:44 And I hope that you'll share these thoughts
27:46 with someone that you know who is single
27:48 or if you're single, please pay attention to these
27:51 warnings. Join us again next time, thank you.