Participants: Paul & Carolyn Rayne (Host)
Series Code: HTH
Program Code: HTH00017A
00:01 In today's Happy the Home,
00:03 we're going to review the last three programs.
00:05 So, stay tuned as we cover one on one time,
00:07 an invitation and a friend loveth at all times.
00:32 Welcome to another program, Happy the Home.
00:36 Thank you again for inviting us into your home and we pray that
00:42 these programs will produce the fruits of a Happy Home
00:46 at your address, where you live with your children.
00:50 These principles that we're sharing with you
00:53 have been part of our lives for many years.
00:56 And we can testify even though we're not the perfect parents
01:00 and we do not have the perfect children.
01:02 We can tell you that these principles when applied
01:05 have worked for us. We've different children to what
01:08 we would have had if we hadn't applied some of these things.
01:12 You know today we're looking at Happy the Home
01:16 and we're on program 17 and it's a review,
01:20 that means we gonna look at the last three programs,
01:23 but we're also in this program concluding chapter
01:27 or section two. The programs are split
01:30 even though there is 26 programs in all
01:33 and they correspond with the 26 chapters
01:37 in the Connected Family, the companion book for this series.
01:41 Section one was all about wining their affection.
01:44 Section two that we're reviewing today has been all about
01:48 calling our children to make a commitment to God.
01:51 And then at the end of the program we're gonna explain
01:54 what section three is all involved
01:56 which is the last eight programs in this Happy the Home series.
02:01 So, let's jump right in and start reviewing
02:04 program number 14, which was one on one time part two
02:08 and if you remember there Carolyn, right at the beginning.
02:13 We role played, you were on the sofa there with Hannah
02:17 and you and Hannah were having some one on one time.
02:19 And Caleb and I were on the fire place here
02:22 and we're talking backwards and forwards.
02:25 Tell us a little bit of why we keep emphasizing
02:29 over and again the importance of one on one time.
02:33 Well, one on one time is always much more intimate
02:35 and we talked about how these days
02:37 we don't tend to do much one on one time.
02:40 We went one on one with our electronic devices,
02:42 our PC's, our iPod's.
02:44 But we don't tend to have much one on one time together.
02:48 And so the beauty about one on one time is that
02:51 you can go much deeper with somebody
02:53 in a personal level, in an intimate level.
02:55 And Christ himself showed us that in the Bible
02:58 when he had one on one time with different individuals.
03:01 One on one time, it's like you and I are having one on one time
03:06 I know we've got the TV cameras watching us well,
03:09 but it just tends to set an atmosphere of a lot more serious
03:15 a lot more conducive to going deep.
03:20 It's not frivolous, it's not just everybody laughing
03:23 and having, you know it is enjoyable,
03:25 but it's a different kind of enjoyable.
03:27 And as Carolyn saying it's an art that is being lost.
03:31 We're living in the age where one on one time is being lost.
03:36 They might look back if time should last so say,
03:39 where did we lose it? We're losing it now.
03:41 You know the way she went was totally off the point
03:43 but it makes you wonder if we don't nurture that in childhood.
03:47 When we get to adulthood and we get into our married lives,
03:50 how do we know how to communicate
03:52 if we haven't learned how to do that in childhood?
03:54 Well, that's a very good point, may be this has been happening
03:57 for a while and slowly we've been losing that intimacy.
04:00 And especially now with computer games,
04:04 and I play computer games when I was a kid.
04:06 So, we're not used to communicate
04:08 and you might find as you sit down with your children
04:11 and you try and have some one on one time,
04:14 you might hear them saying, yeah, no, good, can I go now?
04:18 You know because they're not used to it.
04:20 So, parents you got to draw them out.
04:22 One great way to draw them out and actually what we role play
04:27 for you in program 14 was we were actually,
04:30 Carolyn and I were reading and then we were discussing
04:33 something with the children.
04:35 What we were reading from is chapter 14
04:37 of the Connected Family book.
04:39 And you might want to do that as a way,
04:42 not necessarily reading the whole chapter,
04:44 even though that would only take ten minutes or so.
04:46 But you could use the book as a base there
04:51 to open up some one on one time with your children.
04:54 But here's another tip with the companion book
04:56 it's not intended for you to be sharing
05:00 that book with your children. Chapter 14 you could,
05:04 but the rest of it you're supposed to be
05:06 just going through this book, doing all these activities
05:08 and the children don't necessarily know
05:10 what's going on. Amen, hey! That's smart?
05:12 They will figure it out but you don't have to let them read it
05:15 because they will try and figure out then what you are up to.
05:18 So Carolyn, what was one of the step forward challenges
05:22 we gave to our viewers, associated with program 14?
05:26 Very simply was to determine that day
05:29 that you would between now and then,
05:30 then and the next programs,
05:32 spend some one on one time with your children.
05:34 And the other step forward was the importance
05:38 of having that one on one time based around the Gospel.
05:42 Trying to just open up our children's minds
05:46 to the fact that it's not being,
05:48 you don't have to be good to come to God.
05:51 You come to God as you are and of course that was laying
05:55 the foundation for the very next program.
05:58 And let's move into that now. Program number 15
06:02 was entitled an invitation and all the other programs
06:07 in Happy the Home had been focused.
06:09 They'd been leading down to the invitation
06:12 and the invitation that we're going to give our children.
06:15 We had been breaking up, we've been breaking up
06:18 the soil the scripture says and making the ground good.
06:21 And that's what we came down to in program 15.
06:24 So, what we will be doing in program 15 Carolyn?
06:27 Simply put, we're asking our children to make a commitment
06:32 to God at their level and their age and their stage.
06:35 So, tell us a bit more what you mean by a commitment?
06:38 I mean is this like I'm gonna live for God,
06:41 every single decision of every single day from now
06:44 until the day I die. Was it a big thing like that or?
06:47 No. no, no it was a small commitment in a sense.
06:50 Small in one way and that is which simply to say
06:52 yes I'm willing to follow you all the way Lord Jesus,
06:56 whatever that means to me in my life at this point.
07:00 So, it's gonna mean one thing to a little child,
07:02 another thing for a teenager and it could even
07:04 lead to the first steps towards baptism.
07:07 For yeah, for a small child, it might simply mean
07:10 that when mother says please put your shoes tidy at the,
07:13 by the back door, that's what you do.
07:15 And please put your clothes tidy in the drawer.
07:18 For teenager it might be, be honest.
07:21 It might be the same thing.
07:22 Yeah, could be the same thing.
07:24 It could be, am I gonna choose to what certain things
07:27 I know would be not, not conducive to my spiritual walk.
07:31 Or go prices on the web or whatever.
07:33 Or do thinks and not be open and honest to my parents.
07:35 Right. So, it's different stages
07:36 for different ages. Okay, that's good.
07:38 I just wanted to get that clear,
07:40 is just a simple invitation to our children.
07:44 Do you want to accept God into your life?
07:46 Do you want to do what God wants you to do
07:50 and don't make any more complicated in that.
07:52 We're gonna talk about a little bit of the how to of that.
07:56 But before we go there you know you,
07:59 if you're following the Lord now in your life,
08:02 it might be as the result of
08:05 somebody extending an invitation to you.
08:08 That it might have been some church seminars
08:11 or an evangelistic series or it might be a book
08:15 you're reading and the author called you to make
08:18 some kind of a commitment.
08:20 You know we can often think who am I
08:22 to ask my children to make a commitment.
08:24 I got that much mess in my life.
08:26 Don't let that put you off.
08:28 Don't think that the only people that couldn't ask your children,
08:32 do you want to follow God is the pastor
08:34 or the youth leader or some other teacher in their life.
08:39 We have a special connection with our children
08:42 and we need to use that. We talked about in the program
08:45 about you know if our children were floating down
08:48 a river towards a waterfall and we got out there
08:52 in the speed boat to save them because they're in trouble.
08:55 We would get some earnestness in our invitation,
08:58 get in the boat, get out of the water
09:00 and really what we're doing with our children.
09:03 This invitation we're saying come out of,
09:06 come out of my people, come and follow God.
09:10 Life is so much better when we're following God.
09:14 Well you know in Matthew 11:28 through 30.
09:17 Jesus says, Come unto Me,
09:19 all ye that labor and are heavy laden.
09:21 I was thinking as you were talking
09:22 that you know when I was around 16, 17 years old,
09:25 I can remember all my friends in school.
09:27 I was the only girl,
09:29 girl that was raised in a Christian home,
09:30 the others were not from Christian homes.
09:32 And all my friends would come back from the weekend
09:35 you know Monday morning into school
09:37 and they are all miserable, they are all sad,
09:39 they all had a bad weekend.
09:41 It was all gonna be a some great big party time
09:43 and I wasn't involved in that.
09:44 And they would come back and I used to think
09:46 you know it's really kind of odd,
09:48 they got all these problems and I didn't have any,
09:51 and I couldn't understand why I didn't have problems?
09:55 Well, you understand now. But I understand now,
09:57 and you know as I, as I look at the young people today.
10:00 They are getting younger and younger with more and more
10:02 difficult stress situations that are put upon young people
10:06 that they should never have, that we as young people
10:08 never understood anything about. Right.
10:10 But now, it's getting younger and younger and so,
10:12 so children are needing Jesus. Yeah.
10:16 They need to know how to come, I might.. even though
10:18 I didn't understand what it was they were missing
10:21 and when I was in school I understand now
10:23 that those young people needed Jesus,
10:24 they needed the Lord and they didn't know how.
10:27 And parents, it's our job, it's part of parenting.
10:32 God is our Heavenly Father and he invites us to follow Him.
10:37 He works on our home, He persuades us, He uses us,
10:40 not because He is some guy that just needs to be worshiped,
10:44 though He does. But it's because He wants
10:47 the best for us and if we want the best for our children,
10:50 we've got to come out of our comfort zone.
10:53 We've got to find a little bit of quite time
10:55 to sit on our children's bed and say, hey,
10:59 I just wanna ask you and then we went through in the program
11:04 that we're reviewing now. We went to how to invite
11:07 our children to make a commitment to God.
11:10 And you might feel nervous, parents.
11:12 I can quite understand that you would.
11:14 I know that we did first time.
11:15 It's like well what am I going to meet with.
11:19 Don't put it off, it's a time to investigate,
11:23 it's a time not asking, not changing anything,
11:27 it's just finding it out what is going on in their hearts.
11:30 So, Carolyn, how, how would you, how would you say invite...
11:35 if you were sitting on Caleb's bed and you wanted to do
11:38 what we're talking about with the viewers now.
11:40 What, what would you say, what would you do?
11:42 Well, I just start off with the conversation about his day,
11:45 may be I'm chucking him at midnight
11:46 and I just ask him how his day went and did you enjoy such
11:49 and such and then just start by asking him
11:52 you know did you pray before you went to bed?
11:55 And how is it with you and Jesus.
11:58 And would you like to really make a commitment
12:00 to Jesus today? And just something,
12:03 it doesn't need to be high stress, high key,
12:05 its needs to be low key. Right.
12:07 It's a deep, it's a deep thing that you're sharing,
12:09 but we don't want to come at it from a high stress kind of
12:12 That's right, that's excellent. I really like that approach.
12:14 It was so non-threatening, it was so inviting
12:18 and actually in the program we're not gonna
12:20 get chance to review it all today.
12:21 But in the program that we're reviewing which was program 15,
12:25 an invitation. You might want to get the DVD
12:28 because we're really not sinking deep into it here,
12:30 but we talked about what to do
12:33 if you got certain responses a yes, or no, or maybe.
12:37 But you know we've done this regular with our children
12:40 and it has made a difference.
12:42 We've had the biting and the fighting,
12:44 we've had the attitudes and the ingratitudes.
12:47 But as we have called to our children and they've said,
12:51 no I don't want to be like this.
12:54 Then it's made them different children
12:57 and it can be the same way for you.
12:59 We just need to pull them,
13:00 just like somebody needed one time to,
13:02 to pull us out of the life that we're entrenched in.
13:05 So, don't be afraid to invite your children
13:09 to make a commitment. Carolyn, tell us a little bit
13:11 there was a portion in your life where you were,
13:14 you were really wanting somebody to challenge you because you,
13:17 you've been raised right I think you tell the story pick it up.
13:20 Well, I was in my early 20's.
13:23 I had gone through the teen years,
13:24 fine it seems and it was not teenage rebellion
13:27 from my parents or from the Lord.
13:29 And now I was in my early 20's
13:31 and it caught me totally off guard,
13:32 I got into wrong association.
13:34 And parents don't just think that they are in the big bad
13:38 world is where you got to watch out for your children,
13:40 their associates. This was somebody who was a...
13:43 apparently conservative young Christian Adventist
13:47 who got me into things that I've been raised not to do.
13:49 And it's a slippery slope when that happens
13:52 and now you're on the outside just still appearing
13:55 to be the same person but inside you know
13:57 there is all kinds of secret things going on
13:59 that you can't really tell anybody about.
14:01 And that's where I was and I became so discouraged
14:04 by that because I knew that's not where I should be
14:07 and I've been raised with principles
14:09 and I kind of let some of them go,
14:11 that I found myself you know one day
14:13 just not being to get out of bed to school,
14:15 staying there until 4:30 in the afternoon.
14:17 You were depressed? I was very depressed,
14:20 I was very discouraged and I wanted somebody to come
14:22 and say Carolyn I understand. Now, I know that God
14:25 did understand but I fell like I was very far away from him.
14:29 But you know when you feel like that don't
14:31 rely upon those feelings, because that day
14:33 I finally crawled myself out of bed, I hadn't eaten,
14:37 hadn't done anything, I crawled out of bed
14:39 and I was on my knees. And Satan pushes us so low that,
14:43 that's where we end up and praise God that's where
14:45 I ended up and I just cried out to God
14:48 and just confessed all my sins
14:50 and asked him to take it away from me.
14:52 And I turned around that day, that was over 20 years ago
14:56 and I've never been the same person since.
14:58 Amen. It would have been even better
15:00 though because if you've got a 12 year old or a 9 year old
15:03 that's going through that same thing,
15:05 they are going to some stuff and its guilt
15:07 and mom and dad don't know. What a joyful thing it would be
15:10 if mom would say, check in and say how is it doing?
15:13 And then the tears start flowing
15:14 and they can get it out and they get it off their chest.
15:17 And our children have to feel like they're not gonna come
15:22 to you and you're gonna go, huh!
15:23 That is terrible and you know I, I, I, I didn't want to
15:28 hurt my parents and my father particularly.
15:30 We had a very close relationship and I didn't want him to,
15:34 I didn't want to disappoint him.
15:35 And it almost felt really hard for me to disappoint him
15:38 and so I didn't want to come out with what I was up to,
15:41 but deep in my heart I was longing
15:43 that he would come out and say, Carolyn, what's going on?
15:47 We need to be that kind of parents and so our children
15:51 don't get locked into a wrong course of action.
15:54 Anyway, we really encourage you if we spend
15:56 a little bit more time and we went on a slightly
15:58 different track there but if you need to get that DVD
16:02 I'm sure you can call the number in the corner of the screen
16:04 and they will send it out there for a few dollars I guess.
16:08 But program number 16, a friend loveth at all times,
16:13 and we covered a couple of things there,
16:15 we covered discipline and we also covered,
16:19 we asked couple of questions. The first question was,
16:23 what do you parents, what do you appreciate about God
16:27 what draws you to him? And we challenge you
16:31 and if you didn't do it now this is why we do the review to,
16:35 to catch you a second time around.
16:37 You know they say with advertising,
16:39 you need to advertise about five or six times
16:41 before anybody takes any notice.
16:43 Seems that way with our children sometimes,
16:45 we have to say it five or six times
16:46 before they take any notice.
16:48 But we're only on the second time around telling you
16:50 I hope you've taken notice sooner rather than later.
16:53 But the question we challenged you with is
16:56 what do you appreciate about God?
16:58 What draws you to Him? And we wanted you to ponder that
17:02 and then we wanted you to translate that
17:05 into the next question which was how can I be to my children,
17:10 what God is to me? So Carolyn, let's just quickly review
17:14 what was one of the things, just one of the things
17:16 that you appreciate about God and how you roll that,
17:19 into the life of parenting your children, our children?
17:22 That God understands me, even when I try to get out
17:26 of my prayers and they don't come out right
17:28 and I don't say it right.
17:30 He sees through all of that stuff and he understands
17:32 the intention of my heart. And that is very important to me
17:36 And you are rolling that out in the lives of the children.
17:39 And, very important to roll that out in their life.
17:41 Are you doing a good job of it? I don't know, what do you think?
17:44 What, there is always room for improvement.
17:46 Absolutely! We should ask our children?
17:48 Yeah, I pray so, I pray so.
17:51 And I think the more that you understand God
17:54 and how He is to us.
17:57 It helps us to be that way to our children.
18:00 It's an evolving process in a way that,
18:02 as we understand things about God.
18:04 We try to role model those to our children,
18:06 its not, it's not all set.
18:08 You know one thing I really appreciate about God,
18:10 in I mentioned this in the program
18:12 is that God is both loving. I know he loves me,
18:16 he loves me all times, no matter what I do,
18:18 no matter how many blunders I make in my parenting,
18:22 he loves me, yet He's firm.
18:24 I remember telling you a little bit about Mrs. Howe,
18:26 Mrs. Howe was a teacher at my middle school,
18:31 it was when I was about ten years of age,
18:33 I ended up in Mrs. Howe's class and Mrs. Howe could shout,
18:37 she could scare the life out of anybody, particularly me
18:40 I was, I was scared by Mrs. Howe.
18:43 But I found out that she was, she held us accountable
18:48 and we couldn't get away with anything in her class.
18:52 She had a nice gentle character, but if you stepped out of line,
18:56 hoo, hoo! You knew it and I've always appreciated that
18:59 and I have tried with my children to be gentle with them
19:04 but firm. You can ask Hannah,
19:06 well you can't because we are on TV.
19:08 But I would love Hannah to tell you about
19:11 how some of the things we have done in maths together.
19:13 I'm actually their maths teacher.
19:14 We've done some home schooling and it's ...
19:18 I told her at the beginning of the year Hannah,
19:20 you want the good news or the bad news.
19:22 She says, give me the good news.
19:23 Good news is you're gonna get an A in maths this year.
19:25 She says daddy, how do you know?
19:26 I says because I'm gonna see to it and she did.
19:29 We worked hard and we were firm with her, but it works,
19:33 so love and firmness something I appreciate about God.
19:36 Let's move into some practical love and firmness.
19:39 This we want to talk a little bit in the remaining time
19:41 that we've in this review.
19:43 We want to review the part of program 16
19:46 that had to do with discipline.
19:49 I know this is a subject that every parent struggles with.
19:53 So Carolyn, start us off we've got seven points on discipline.
19:57 We gonna try and go through them again,
19:59 fairly quick fire. What's the first one?
20:02 Stay calm, don't get angry and irritated.
20:05 Oh! How easy that is?
20:08 Come on, give it, give me some practical clues on how
20:11 we do that because that is so difficult at the moment.
20:14 It is very difficult and it can't happen
20:16 without prayer. You got to have prayer
20:18 with the Lord. You got to connect
20:19 with Him first thing in the day.
20:21 We're gonna talk about that in later programs.
20:24 But very important, and the other thing is,
20:26 don't wait until it's the tenth time over
20:28 and it's driving you nuts. And I know how that is,
20:31 you need to catch it early and say,
20:34 no I need you to go ahead and do whatever it is
20:36 you ask them to do before you kind a blow your fuse.
20:39 And we've been in there we know what that's like?
20:42 So, what you're saying is don't,
20:43 if you'll ask them to do something and they didn't do it.
20:45 We can all relate to that, and you ask him again
20:48 and they didn't do it and you ask him again
20:49 and they didn't do it. You're boiling;
20:52 it's all starting to happen inside.
20:55 It's much better when you ask them if it's not done
20:58 to try and deal with that point. Hey children, mommy is serious,
21:04 I asked you to put those things away and get their attention.
21:08 Often times they tune in us out, we're just saying the words.
21:11 So, point number one stay calm,
21:13 don't get angry and irritated part.
21:15 Number two we're going through guidelines for discipline,
21:19 preserve our children's dignity. What do we mean by that?
21:22 That means if you have to correct your children,
21:27 don't do that in front of, sometimes you have to,
21:31 but we can still do it discreetly,
21:32 but try not to do in front of all their friends
21:35 or their brothers and sisters. Because,
21:37 then what happens is we're trying to correct them
21:41 because let's say they, they were disrespectful,
21:45 they were speaking back to us in a,
21:47 in a way that an adult would speak to you rather than a child
21:52 And you're trying to correct them on that
21:54 and then you'll be correcting them in front of their friends.
21:57 What are you now? You're into a double battle,
22:00 the battle is you are trying to work through the situation
22:03 but now you're working through that,
22:05 their pride and their stubbornness,
22:07 because it's like now I'm getting humiliated
22:10 right in front of my brothers and sisters and my friends
22:12 and you know I don't like mummy doing this to me.
22:14 And so now the children have got the double battle on their hands
22:17 So, if we can pull them away backing to that one on one time,
22:22 that instantly goes more intimate.
22:24 And we can say hey, I don't want you speaking to me that way.
22:29 You know that's not how children speak to their parents
22:33 and try and work it out a little bit quicker.
22:36 Okay number; a little bit more sensitively,
22:39 number three, Carolyn. Ask questions,
22:42 don't just assume you know who did what
22:45 and who is guilty and how it all rode out.
22:47 Because it might not be that way I'm sure you find that out.
22:50 We've many times over asked questions
22:54 before you go throwing out the acquisitions.
22:56 Yeah, and even not throwing out acquisitions
22:58 but before you jump into correcting the wrong child,
23:01 ask questions, find out what went on,
23:03 look around you, be observant, okay?
23:06 They said they didn't but look
23:08 I can see evidence down there on the floor.
23:10 So, just, just investigate the situation ask questions.
23:15 Because sometimes you find like I have,
23:16 I mean my kitchen and they stuff put away
23:18 where it shouldn't be and it's like I know
23:20 who did this and the children will say actually it was daddy.
23:26 That's happened. You need to know,
23:27 that's happened. That's happened.
23:29 Okay, number four keep correction brief,
23:32 be calm and stay to the point.
23:34 You know what really crushes a child heart
23:37 is when they have to sit there for ten minutes,
23:40 watch the parent just goes on and on and on and on
23:44 it's like yeah, yeah, when you're finished.
23:46 You know, let's keep it short, let's keep it upbeat,
23:49 let's keep it positive and seek to win their cooperation quick
23:54 rather than going on. Number five, Carolyn.
23:57 Prayer, so will I say prayer,
23:59 you got to have a good prayer life.
24:01 Number six, we're going through this quickly now number six
24:04 is give consequences, you know, if I speed
24:08 the police officers gonna give me a ticket.
24:10 If I'm lazy at work I'm gonna lose my job.
24:12 If children are lazy around the house
24:15 they need to have some consequences.
24:16 If they speak back to their parents the consequences
24:19 that they need to be silent.
24:20 Give consequences it's much more effective
24:23 than just any old thing that comes to your mind.
24:27 Try and make the ... If they are lazy.
24:29 Yeah. If they are lazy with the chores
24:31 then with our children they get another chore,
24:33 having to exercise that arm of the opposite of laziness.
24:36 Yes, so you're trying to cultivate in the strength
24:39 rather than just blasting on the weakness.
24:41 You're trying to strengthen rather than punish.
24:44 And the last one, Carolyn, number seven.
24:46 Show love in our words and our actions
24:49 and our looks is vitally important.
24:51 Oh! You're asking a lot. Show love in our looks,
24:56 you know it really does tires into section three,
25:01 we're just reviewing section two here the last three programs.
25:05 Join us after the break, we'll take a break at this point
25:08 and come back and we gonna tell you
25:10 about what we gonna roll out
25:11 in section three of Happy the Home.