Participants: Paul & Carolyn Rayne (Host), Hannah & Caleb Rayne
Series Code: HTH
Program Code: HTH00006A
00:04 We got a Aeroplane now, oh! Dear where is it? Ah!
00:19 What are you doing? Go again there.
00:26 What is going on children?
00:30 We just go out of the house for a few minutes
00:32 and this is what starts to happen, children why?
00:35 Why is the point of trying to help you
00:37 if this is what you do when we don't look?
00:40 What do you think mother?
00:41 Well, I go to a doctor's appointment
00:44 and this is what I come home to?
00:46 Pathetic, get it tidied it up,
00:49 and get it tidied up quick.
00:57 Probably all of us can relate to that kind
01:00 of situation in our own home.
01:02 You know why don't we go ahead
01:03 and do that over. I think it'd be a good idea.
01:28 Oh! There, hurry up! come look at that,
01:44 Oh! Dear. Children, what's going on?
01:54 Sorry, we were just playing around.
01:57 You were just playing around.
01:59 It does look like it, doesn't it?
02:02 Mine, mine, mine, this needs to be tidied up,
02:04 that's you're job right now to get it tidied up,
02:06 we'll talk about this, you understand.
02:08 Okay, and you go quickly.
02:20 That was quite a role play, wasn't it?
02:22 You know we don't really want the attention
02:24 so much drawn on what the children
02:26 were doing as the parent's reaction to
02:29 what they were doing. do you know we,
02:31 our first reaction there was no,
02:34 it was just us venting it wasn't really very
02:37 motivating for the children
02:38 It wasn't and you know we've all been
02:40 there haven't we as parents you know,
02:42 everyone of us. Yeah, we've done it
02:44 you know the, the second role play was more
02:47 we didn't really deal with anything at that point
02:49 why, why we didn't deal with it.
02:51 Because we were not in a safe condition
02:55 emotionally to give the children any kind
02:57 of rational instructions there,
02:59 so it was I don't know if you noticed from myself
03:03 anyway it was just, it was a prayer oh Lord help us.
03:07 What we do here and then we just gave some
03:10 simple instructions and then left it to it
03:12 and we'll talk about that later on but the,
03:15 the reality is our children would not want
03:18 you to think that that was their real
03:20 behavior there, they were, they just wanted
03:22 to role play that to give us parents opportunity.
03:24 But you know the point that we want to make
03:27 is the approach sometimes,
03:31 the words that we use are not motivating
03:35 our children in the right direction,
03:37 it's just us venting our frustration or our anger
03:42 and we're not really meeting the children's
03:44 needs we, we are just you know it's just tumbling
03:48 out of our mouth so we want to talk about.
03:52 Well, I should introduce ourselves
03:54 I'm Paul this is my dear wife Carolyn
03:56 and those two little rascals that were with us
03:59 a moment ago, Caleb, he's 12 and Hannah is 14
04:03 and we're from Restoration International
04:05 and we're glad that you've invited us
04:07 in your home. Today for program 6 that
04:11 corresponds with chapter number 6
04:14 in the connected family, the companion
04:18 book that goes with this program.
04:20 You know we are trying in each program to,
04:24 and in each chapter in the book to give you
04:26 something very specific that you can go away
04:30 and do. This is a book that you,
04:32 that's a program that you do and the book
04:35 is to help you achieve the different goals
04:37 this time round we're going to be looking
04:40 at our most powerful motivator you know
04:45 I think every parents at some point ask
04:47 the question, what do I do with my children
04:51 to motivate them in the right direction?
04:55 You know, you have to stop and think,
04:57 what motivates you, what motivates me?
05:00 When we've done something wrong
05:02 and we know we have and somebody comes
05:04 and just blasts us out, are we motivated?
05:06 Well, a classic for that would be you know say,
05:11 say you do something at church may,
05:13 maybe you're a person that goes to church
05:15 and somebody in the church leadership
05:17 says hey, will you come upon the platform
05:19 and you know just say few words maybe
05:22 you give your testimony of how you came
05:24 to the Lord or whatever and then your,
05:27 you're out there and then you talk too quiet
05:33 and then you talk too loud and then you forget
05:36 oh what was I gonna say and you don't do
05:38 a very good job. And then but it took every bit
05:41 of energy you had and you were scared stiff
05:43 and your knees were knocking,
05:44 and then the pastor comes to you afterwards
05:47 and he says, there's two things he could do.
05:50 He could say man, what was your problem up there?
05:52 I mean you're talking too loud and then you talking
05:55 too quiet and you kept saying and, and, oh, oh,
05:57 he says you gotta pull your socks up
05:59 if you're gonna do that again.
06:00 I mean how would that make you feel as an adult?
06:04 Are you gonna say oh thank you pastor,
06:06 I'm so pleased that you pointed those things out
06:09 and anytime you need me to do that again
06:11 just let me know, I doubt that would be your
06:13 response, you probably just kind of well
06:16 if he's gonna ask me to do that again.
06:17 He's got another thing coming.
06:19 You know it makes me think of when we took
06:21 the children to ice skate.
06:22 Yeah. You know, well before we go there
06:24 I just wanted to talk about you know
06:25 if the pastor came to you and he said
06:27 you know I really appreciate your willingness
06:29 to get up there and you know you,
06:32 you did a good job I think people got a blessing
06:34 from what you said doesn't make you feel good.
06:37 And now the ice skating in well we live
06:40 in the northwest corner of Montana
06:43 and as the temperatures dip down
06:45 you know October, November time.
06:47 Then you've got two choices really you either
06:49 become a hermit and you, you dwell within
06:53 a few foot of the wood stove
06:55 or you can take winter by the horns
06:58 and get out there and have some fun.
07:00 And our children when they were a lot
07:03 younger they wanted to, some of their
07:06 friends did it, they wanted to learn
07:07 to ice skate. Well what you've got to know
07:10 when you have probably picked up is that
07:12 Paul and Carolyn were not born
07:14 and raised in Montana. The accent that you hear
07:18 is because we were born and raised in the
07:20 United Kingdom and we, we came over here
07:23 about 11-years ago both of our children have
07:26 spend most of their life over here.
07:28 And they have friends that were ice skating,
07:31 so they wanted to learn ice skate
07:32 but I didn't know how to ice skate,
07:34 the water doesn't freeze in United Kingdom
07:36 nobody goes ice skating unless it's indoors.
07:40 So they wanted me to teach them,
07:42 you remember this how to ice skate and,
07:44 and you to help, well how do you teach somebody
07:47 to ice skate the, the only thing I could do
07:49 is okay I could put the boots on their feet
07:52 and I could tie the laces and then I could say,
07:54 okay children you just after stand up
07:56 and they said oh, oh daddy it's wobbly,
07:58 I says yeah it's wobbly for me as well.
08:00 And you know they would fall down
08:03 and what do I say when they fall down get up
08:06 your oaf, come on, just get yourself up,
08:08 is that gonna do it? We only had five minutes
08:11 worth of ice skate and that'd be in tears,
08:13 so the only tool that I had in teaching our
08:18 children to ice skate was oh you're down,
08:21 never mind, let me help you up,
08:23 and you would help them up, you would steady
08:25 them and you would hold them and you would
08:26 encourage them and you would say,
08:28 you can do it and you know don't worry
08:30 about that we just keep encouraging,
08:32 encouraging, encouraging.
08:35 And today we've quite a bit of fun as a family
08:38 ice skating. So, what percentage of your
08:41 teaching do you think was encouragement?
08:43 Well, I didn't have anything else to tell
08:45 them so it's probably 90%,
08:47 90% encouragement. And you know maybe 10%
08:49 worth of advice. You know and that encouragement
08:52 can come in another ways to that's like a bigger
08:54 example but there can be there is little
08:56 quick things in the days Paul said in,
08:59 in the previous program you know kind of ruffling
09:01 the hair, pulling on Hannah's ponytail
09:03 and you know as we give seminars all around
09:06 the world we travel a lot as a family,
09:09 we're just trying to tune into our children
09:11 and so often times we may get eye contact
09:13 in a room maybe not close together at that
09:16 point and I do one of these, like this,
09:19 is it like this? And I will find how my
09:21 children are, you know if they're like this
09:22 or they're kind oh, oh they're getting tired
09:25 whatever, it's just a non-verbal
09:26 communication. Just a connection point.
09:28 Another thing we'll do and we do it a lot
09:30 I don't know if anybody else does this,
09:31 but you know in the morning time Caleb gets up
09:33 to go to the bathroom he passes me,
09:35 I'm having my devotions and I just go,
09:38 I just blow a kiss in the dark,
09:40 he hears it and he knows that means I'm,
09:43 I'm not verbalizing it, but really I am saying,
09:45 how are you doing and I'm connected to you
09:47 and what do that lot as a family
09:49 and that's just kind of what that means
09:51 that's other ways to people do the hi-five
09:52 whatever it is? That encourages them,
09:56 that motivates, it says I am with you,
09:58 I am rooting for you. Yeah, see encouragement
10:01 is such a powerfully motivator and think about
10:06 as you drive through a big town there is
10:09 billboards all over the place.
10:11 What, what are the billboards therefore,
10:13 are they to break the wind?
10:14 Are they there for just decoration,
10:17 no people, big companies are paying big money
10:21 to put their products in front of you and they,
10:24 they, they use encouraging words buy this
10:27 and you'll be happy essentially is what
10:28 they're saying and they encourage you,
10:30 and they encourage you, and they encourage
10:32 you over and over again everywhere you go
10:34 they're trying to encourage you in the
10:37 magazine ads, in the billboards in the TV ads.
10:40 And then what happens you end up buying
10:43 it even if you didn't want it, even if you,
10:46 you know had not that much interest because
10:48 you've received that much encouragement
10:50 to do it you end up doing it.
10:53 Encouragement is such a powerful motivator,
10:56 it's a wonder as parents that we don't use
10:59 encouraging words more often.
11:01 There is a reason for that, because to our
11:04 human natures it doesn't come naturally,
11:07 encouragement is something we have
11:09 to pray for. It certainly doesn't come naturally
11:12 to me to be encouraging yet the Lord will give us
11:15 opportunities as we ask him to some people
11:17 are more naturally that way,
11:18 I'm not naturally that way I don't know why that is,
11:21 but some people are more so, what about you?
11:23 Well, I'm just; I'm not necessarily a very
11:27 encouraging person. Of course children,
11:29 but you know I've prayed a simple prayer
11:32 because I recognize that I'm not that encouraging
11:34 and in my prayers in the morning I say God
11:37 you know I, I want you to prompt me today,
11:41 and I want to explain this prompting because I,
11:44 I've actually used it in some of the other
11:46 programs you know it's, it's not an audible
11:49 voice that you hear, but any of us know say
11:51 you're, you're driving along the road
11:53 and you put the, you're just walking,
11:57 you're just driving into a parking lot maybe
11:59 and you've finished on the cell phone
12:01 and you put your phone down in your lap,
12:03 you might hear a still small voice behind
12:06 you say, don't put it in your lap because
12:10 when you get out of the car it'll fall out of
12:12 your lap and on to the pavement
12:14 and you know possibly break.
12:16 So, that is what I call when you,
12:18 it was what I mean when you get
12:20 a little call from the Lord, a little reminder
12:23 and God is willing to send us those kind
12:26 of messages through His angels or through
12:28 His Holy Spirit however he does it.
12:30 But I've prayed God today give me the
12:34 opportunity and help me to tune in,
12:36 help me to get through my fix goal,
12:38 though this is an opportunity from me to
12:41 encourage my boy or my girl and God does
12:46 do that. Now I can't say that I'm the dad
12:48 that every time I hear it, I say oh good,
12:51 here comes my opportunity to encourage.
12:53 Often times even though I hear it,
12:55 it still doesn't actually manifest its way
12:58 into action. So, so one of the reasons that
13:02 we don't encourage. Well there, there is a
13:04 lot of them, I, I think one of the main ones
13:07 why we do not encourage is because you know
13:10 we don't see life through children's eyes.
13:15 We're adults and we got all these things going on
13:17 and I remember one time I don't know
13:20 if you remember this, we were in Washington
13:23 doing the family camp meeting there
13:25 and we would go over the PA that there
13:28 was gonna be free popcorn on Saturday night
13:30 I think it was, but we had other things planned,
13:33 we had to meet with a family if you remember
13:36 and so we just kind of dismissed it.
13:39 But Caleb heard the announcement.
13:41 And he was about 6 I think.
13:42 Yeah, he was just a little fellow
13:44 and we ignored him, we didn't see popcorn
13:48 through his eyes. So we didn't go and get
13:50 the popcorn, didn't mean anything to us.
13:52 But the message that evening, that was actually
13:55 given by somebody else I remember encouraged us
13:58 as parents to check in with your children.
14:01 It was about disappointments,
14:02 disappointments, and see if your children
14:04 have any disappointments, so we did that.
14:07 At the end of day when we went back to our room
14:09 and you know we heard the seminar
14:11 and we said, hey Caleb, do you have any
14:15 disappointments today? And instantly his eyes
14:19 filled up with tears and I said to Carolyn
14:22 oh, oh what's going on and I said, what's up?
14:26 And he choked up and then I said come on Caleb,
14:29 you can tell us, he said you know he's just
14:32 a little fellow, dad, I didn't get any popcorn.
14:36 And I'm thinking oh good, that wasn't anything
14:39 serious, but you know Caleb was serious,
14:41 it was serious. So for breakfast the next
14:43 morning along with the all the other things
14:45 he got popcorn. But you know for,
14:48 for me missing popcorn's no big deal
14:50 but you know if my buddy e-mails me and says,
14:53 hey Paul you know the flight's to Hawaii
14:55 at 275 and then I go online and the 975
14:59 I think oh man I'm disappointed,
15:03 I miss my chance so you got see life through the
15:06 children's eyes. Another reason that we don't
15:08 encourage is that we get so zoomed into the
15:11 problem you know, if you're very task
15:13 oriented like I am, being task oriented is a
15:15 good thing you get a lot of things accomplished,
15:17 but if you don't do in the Lord there are times
15:20 when things fall apart because of that and so you
15:23 know for example cleaning the bedrooms when the
15:25 children ask to the clean their rooms,
15:27 there's two ways that we can deal with it when
15:29 we walk in. Chances are, it's not gonna be a
15:32 hundred percent perfect because they're children
15:34 right. But often times, I'm just really
15:37 vulnerable for who I am, I'll walk in there and
15:40 I won't see the half a dozen things they did do,
15:43 I'll see one thing that they didn't do,
15:45 the socks sticking out in front of the bed or
15:47 open the closet and oh dear and you know we get
15:51 so zoned in that rather than saying you know
15:53 what children, you did a good job with this and
15:55 this, but you know something this year
15:58 could be a little better. Give more of an
16:00 encouraging feel. Right, it's, it's focusing on
16:04 the good things that they do rather then just
16:07 being focused on the things that are out of
16:09 place. That's a, that's a little window of
16:12 encouragement. Right, that we can give.
16:14 And it's balancing that up with not ignoring just
16:18 like you know the, the scene that we played
16:19 out here if we do come in and gone, oh children,
16:23 you're having a blast, that wouldn't have been
16:25 something to help them. But, so we don't want
16:28 to encourage them in the wrong,
16:30 but neither do we want to discourage them by a
16:32 barrage of words which we've all done and been
16:35 there. You know, so our window of opportunity
16:39 there that we, we've got to be praying for
16:42 recognizing is when they do something good,
16:44 that is the time to be how to encourage them,
16:46 even if and I thought this, even when they try
16:50 to do good but it didn't actually turnout good.
16:53 You know we don't have to have perfect
16:55 performance before we can give encouragement it's
16:57 just if we see the slightest little bit of
16:59 willingness we've got to encourage that,
17:01 with those encouraging words, you know.
17:05 Another reason why we don't encourage as much
17:09 as we could is because that's what they're
17:13 supposed to do, why should I encourage
17:15 them for what they're supposed to do.
17:17 So it's for instance, if we have taught our
17:22 children with the work that we do and the travel
17:25 often times we speaking to other adults and our
17:28 children need our attention for something
17:30 and we've early on they would just barge in right
17:35 over the top of the adult conversation and we
17:37 realized after a while that's maybe not the best,
17:39 so we were teaching them to you know just wait
17:43 patiently until your mommy or daddy,
17:47 whoever is speaking will carry on the
17:48 conversation we know you're there and when we
17:51 get a chance we'll, we'll give our attention
17:53 to you. Now say our children come to our side,
17:57 we're at a busy convention center or whatever and
18:00 our children come and they stand there and
18:02 they're waiting for us, they kind of pull on
18:04 your jacket a little bit. And, and then we,
18:07 we get to the point where we can quit talking
18:10 with the person and then we turn to the child
18:12 and we say yes Caleb, what you want and he says,
18:15 daddy, I'm bursting for the bathroom,
18:18 it's like okay that's fine I will be with you
18:21 right away. Now where, where's the encouragement
18:24 in that, well we need to encourage our children
18:27 you know as Caleb and I walk off to the
18:29 bathroom or whatever, I can say Caleb,
18:31 I really appreciate that you didn't interrupt my
18:35 conversation, that's good progress buddy because
18:37 you didn't always used to do that and then ruffle
18:40 his hair, what does that immediately do,
18:43 it confirms that good behavior in his mind and
18:47 his much more likely to do that another,
18:51 another time, then if I doesn't say anything,
18:55 I'm not reaffirming the good, that's really what
18:57 we're talking about. So look for those
18:59 opportunities to encourage your children,
19:04 so we need see life through their eyes.
19:07 Which means not it's, not, not ignoring those
19:11 opportunities to bring a little joy their way,
19:15 you know I don't know how it is for you but not
19:19 everywhere up in Montana we get plenty of snow
19:21 but some places don't get a lot of snow,
19:23 when I was growing up and you were growing up
19:24 in the United Kingdom, we didn't get much snow
19:27 and if the snow did come down, I don't know
19:30 how it was for you but it in my house it was you
19:33 know my sister and my brother and I was we wanna
19:35 go sledding, we wanna sledding.
19:37 And so you know it doesn't happen very often,
19:40 so what kind of encouragement can
19:42 the parents give at that point, oh don't be silly
19:45 it's cold out there, now they can say okay
19:48 children we are going to go, you get some stuff
19:50 together and we will go, we got to encourage,
19:53 that's not really encouragement,
19:54 that's more entering into their dreams.
19:56 But we've got to see life through their eyes
19:58 and don't miss opportunities to
20:01 give some kind of encouragement.
20:03 So, so one thing I would like to discuss
20:06 is flattery, because encouragement and
20:09 flattery can kind of get, this can be kind of a
20:12 close line there. Well, what do you think the
20:14 difference is between encouragement and
20:15 flattery? Are you thinking then the
20:17 flattery is not good? No, I don't think it's the
20:21 best thing. I would agree because in,
20:25 in my mind flattery is, it's, it's kind of lie.
20:29 Well no, no I don't know about that,
20:31 but its more where you are up lifting the person.
20:35 You know if I was to, if Caleb was doing well,
20:42 he was being attentive, say we were at a
20:46 conversation or whatever and he sat in his chair
20:48 and sat there quietly and he was attentive,
20:50 I could say something like Caleb,
20:53 I really appreciate the fact that you chose to
20:57 sit still. And thank you, that means a lot to me,
21:00 you know mommy and daddy have tried to get
21:02 you to sit still for years and now you're
21:04 doing it. And that would be encouraging.
21:06 But if I came to him and said hey Caleb,
21:09 you are the best behaved kid in the whole place,
21:14 you are number one, you are really you
21:18 know and just puffed him up, then that's
21:21 the flattery then they start to get you know big
21:24 and proud and you know flattery is,
21:28 is kind of a poison because children sometime,
21:32 it's kind of addictive too. How do you mean?
21:34 Well in that, you get flattery and you want
21:37 more, so you go looking for it.
21:38 Right, you might look in the wrong places.
21:40 Yeah, and then if somebody doesn't give you
21:42 the flattery that you think you deserve,
21:45 then you put out with them and they didn't do
21:47 anything wrong. And, and flattery tends
21:50 to leave God out of the picture also.
21:52 So for example you know Hannah really likes to
21:54 cook and she cooks all kinds of things and
21:57 that's the area of encouragement,
21:58 discouragement as well in the kitchen.
22:02 But you know when she is cooking and she makes
22:04 great bunch of cookies as if we go to her and say
22:07 you're the best cookie maker in the whole of the
22:10 world. What's I can do for her it's just gonna
22:13 puff to her well I'm pretty good.
22:15 So how, how I mean if a child did do make some
22:18 nice meal and do something funny in the kitchen,
22:20 what can you say that is, is encouragement
22:24 but isn't flattery. Well you can say something
22:26 like on I've done this you know God's really
22:29 blessed your talent in the kitchen to be a cook,
22:32 you've done a great job.
22:33 That's an encouragement rather
22:35 than kind of puffing them up into,
22:36 into be some great big thing and the other
22:39 thing is that I'm, I'm just being very real now,
22:44 we need to be encouraging them when things aren't
22:47 the greatest that come out the kitchen for
22:49 example and we've been through some of that
22:51 haven't we. Well the thing is,
22:53 you're particularly sensitive to burns.
22:54 Well I love your cooking and now we've got
22:58 Hannah cooking, I gotta get used to some as a
23:00 lady cooking for me it's not easy you know.
23:02 And, and you don't like bird food.
23:04 Well my nostrils can smell it as soon as
23:07 I get anyone new. We've tried all kind of
23:09 ways to disguise the rice when it gets burned
23:12 you know how that is. We've tried ways to
23:14 disguise those things, but you're also having
23:17 to learn to be encouraging rather than focusing
23:21 on the one thing that kind of gives you that ah!
23:24 Yeah, to encourage that these things were okay.
23:27 You know there's a scripture here that I
23:29 would like to share it and it's,
23:31 it's a word picture from the scripture,
23:34 it's from Proverb 25 and verse 11 and it's
23:41 says this, a word fitly spoken is like apples of
23:46 gold in pictures of silver or in some
23:50 translations it says apples is a word fitly
23:54 spoken is like apples of gold in setting
23:57 of silver. You know parents,
24:00 we just want to bring to your attention that or
24:04 to your remembrance that encouragement goes a
24:08 long way in your heart and if,
24:12 if people encourage you in something you've done
24:14 it makes you feel good, it makes you want
24:17 to please that person it draws you closer to
24:20 that person. Well of all the people in the world
24:23 who should be encouraging our
24:25 children it's got to be mom,
24:28 it's got to be dad so don't miss out that you
24:32 know, I think you are realizing what our
24:33 practical challenge is, we'll talk about that
24:35 a little bit after the break.
24:37 But we are really wanting to highlight
24:39 in this program the need for encouraging words.
24:43 It's so easy and we, we're not sitting here as
24:48 people who got it all figured out and you
24:51 know all we have to do is encourage.
24:53 And then you know the danger is that if they
24:57 don't get the encouragement from
24:59 the parents and they don't find those
25:01 encouraging words at home they're gonna
25:03 look else where and else where may not be
25:06 a place we want them to be looking in.
25:07 Right, we've really got to draw them in with
25:10 our encouragement remember we are in
25:12 section one of Happy the Home series and the
25:16 section one is all about winning their affections
25:20 drawing our children heart close to us and we've
25:23 discussed another way today, encouraging words,
25:27 it is a powerful tool in your tool kit as
25:31 a parents. And the, the world spends
25:34 millions of dollars every year on advertising to
25:39 encourage us to do things that we wouldn't
25:42 ordinary do. So parents, we want you too,
25:45 we're encouraging you to use encouraging words
25:50 and left up your children towards you with those
25:56 affirming words. We're gonna have a
25:58 little break here and we'll be
25:59 back with you straight after.