Participants: Alanzo & June Smith
Series Code: FFH
Program Code: FFH00006B
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00:04 Welcome back! You are watching Families For Heaven
00:09 We are talking about how to handle a crises. 00:14 And we have been interviewing Carter Francis and Booty Francis 00:20 Booty has gone through a severe crises, and as you listen to 00:26 their stories, Dr. June, is there a word that you could use 00:32 to best summarize what is taking place now after the tragedy? 00:37 It seems to me that people who like Booty and Carter who have 00:43 gone through this crises, can best as they move on, summarize 00:48 by the word resilience. 00:49 Except you are able to bounce back after an event or tragedy 00:55 like this, you are likely to continue to suffer more from 01:00 that situation. 01:01 So the capacity to redirect, re-organize and to draw 01:06 on the resources that are available to you 01:09 through friends and other support. 01:11 that you can continue to live your life although there will be 01:14 changes, although you will have to adapt and adjust, 01:17 your life is not over. 01:19 Alanzo: So when we talk about resilience, we are talking about 01:24 the capacity to withstand the blows of life. 01:30 We're talking about the ability to rebound, not to stay down. 01:35 A sheer determination to rise above the water. 01:39 A sheer determination to be stronger then you ever was. 01:43 Carter, is there anything you had to do? 01:47 You are a professional, is there anything you had to do as you 01:52 work on this crises? 01:54 Well for the first two years after Booty came home from 02:00 the hospital, I had to give up all my jobs. 02:04 To nurse her 24/7, to bring her back. 02:08 I had to do just about anything a professional nurse would do 02:16 for a patient at home. 02:18 I nursed her after two years I went back, at that time. 02:25 At that time, I fixed her lunch and leave it in the refrigerator 02:34 or I had to be there taking care, 02:38 I gave up my job totally. 02:41 And decided that now it was you job to nurse her back. 02:48 That is what we are talking about. 02:55 That is called resilience, these days people break too easily. 03:01 People walk away, when you are faced with challenges like these 03:07 there is a tendency to walk away. 03:10 Now I notice when you were talking to them you said, 03:15 Carter and Booty what did you both, but Booty is the one 03:20 who had the crises. 03:22 She is the one that had the problem. 03:24 Now put that for me in the context of the family 03:29 as a system, how does her problem become his problem? 03:34 Your children and other family members? 03:37 As you can well imagine in a situation like this, 03:40 happening to you will leave you very dependent. 03:44 Not all crises will render an individual totally dependent 03:49 upon another person. 03:50 But in this event, Booty became more dependent on Carter for 03:54 support and so it was essential that the entire family got 03:59 involved in her aftercare. 04:01 So when a crises occurs in the family, it's not just about 04:05 the identified person who has endured the circumstance. 04:09 But the entire family has to re-adjust. 04:12 Alanzo: so we are saying this one person in the family affects 04:17 all, and you have to understand that, it is not just about 04:21 the individual, it is the entire family, we see the 04:24 family as a system. 04:29 How do I maintain, or how do I have family resilience? 04:36 What are the keys? Or are there Keys to a family resilience? 04:42 I think it is essential that as a family we accept that this 04:47 is what has happened. 04:48 And to make meaning of the adversity, accepting the reality 04:55 Separating the pieces and the facts an understanding. 04:58 This is what we have in our hands and we are going to have 05:01 to move forward. 05:02 And as we listened to Carter and Booty's story, we heard 05:06 them talking about their spirituality and how they drew 05:10 from a higher power, that source that kept them and motivated 05:14 them to move on. 05:16 So one can add spirituality as a source of resilience. 05:21 Another factor is to be flexible so your life might change. 05:26 The situation, the circumstances and events, the way you lived 05:31 your life may never be the same again. 05:33 So it is essential as a family you become flexible. 05:36 If children are involved, they are going to have to adjust 05:39 and adapt to recognize many of the things they have done before 05:44 as a family together may not be possible any longer. 05:47 So we all adapt and adjust to accommodate the circumstance 05:51 in the family. 05:52 Connectiveness it's also important. 05:57 Booty, did you find out of this tragedy you were drawn closer 06:02 to Carter and Carter was drawn closer to you, or as a result 06:07 of this tragedy, both of you were drifting apart? 06:13 No we got closer, he knows everything about me. 06:19 If he comes in and I'm not talking, he knows he has to 06:23 do some counseling. 06:24 So our communication developed very much, and I was able to 06:29 talked to him anytime, any day at his work, because his 06:33 supervisor understood the situation with me. 06:37 Alanzo: so he was not only your husband, but he was also 06:41 your consular? Booty: Yes! 06:43 That's good, that's good! 06:45 Carter: you talk about changes in your family 06:55 and I have some very prime examples I could give. 06:58 for instant, for the first three months after Booty came home 07:03 from the hospital, we have an upstairs house. 07:10 To get her from upstairs to downstairs we had to 07:13 put her on a sheet. 07:14 and the four of us would hold one end of the sheet. 07:19 We would take her downstairs on the sheet, that's the way 07:22 we would get her downstairs. 07:23 And when we had to get her from downstairs to upstairs, 07:27 we had to go through the same process again. 07:29 Alanzo: how long did you say? Carter: for three months. 07:31 We had to do that as a family. 07:36 We had to make some changes in our homes. 07:39 We never had rails, we had to put rails so she could 07:43 hold on those. 07:45 And now we have a wheelchair rolling around in our house. 07:49 We never had that before, so we to adjust the furniture. 07:54 We had to adjust everything so that we have passage for the 07:59 wheelchair can move around in the house and all that. 08:01 Those are some of the adjustments we had to make. 08:03 Ladies and gentlemen as we are talking about resilience. 08:10 When you have a crises, your duty is to manage that crises. 08:16 That is your job, not to give up not to become frustrated 08:22 not to become depressed. 08:23 To accept your reality and manage your crises. 08:29 Dr. June, there are changes and mood swings, 08:34 and emotional expressions. 08:36 How does one make that kind of adjustment? 08:40 Especially if I am the victim, let's use the word victim, 08:44 If I'm the victim in the crises, often times I'm going to 08:49 it's like you have to give me some more. 08:53 What kind of an emotional adjustment one needs to make? 08:56 It is a very difficult thing for an individual who has 09:00 sustained a severe loss, a horrific tragedy to smile 09:04 all the time. 09:06 Or to just accept this is what has happened and 09:08 move on with your life. 09:09 So it is reasonable to expect there will be days when you will 09:14 be overwhelmed, when you will feel emotions that drives 09:18 you to be angry, when you will question even God and you just 09:23 can't find an answer for what happened. 09:25 So emotionally you will be on this roller coaster as it were. 09:30 That is, in order for you to move forward you must accept 09:34 that it is a part of a process. 09:36 Then be open with your emotions so that you state what you are 09:40 thinking and feeling so the people around you who provide 09:44 care are aware and become sensitive to what your needs are 09:48 No doubt Booty you have experienced this roller coaster. 09:51 When there were days you really felt down. Booty: Yes! 09:55 Would you like to talk about that? 09:57 Booty: What I do is I try to learn text that will, 10:03 if I am fearful I know a text to say, to repeat. 10:07 So I have used many text in the Bible to help me. 10:12 Alanzo: your spirituality was very powerful in helping you 10:17 to grow out of this situation? 10:19 Booty: yes! 10:21 One has to have a positive out look in dealing with this issue. 10:26 I don't want to minimize the pain and minimize what you have 10:31 gone through, to act as though you just wake up and say 10:36 that have a good outlook on this. 10:38 There are crying days, am I right in this? 10:40 There are lonesome moments, painful moments, and you have to 10:44 agonize, sometimes with God what's happening to you. 10:49 Why is it that your life has changed so dramatically. 10:53 But you can't stay like that, you have to rise above it. 10:57 You have to have a positive outlook. 10:59 Would you say, and it is a hard question I'm going to ask, 11:03 would you say your husband is a very patient man? 11:07 Yes, extremely patient. Alanzo: extremely patient. 11:11 Yes, uh hum. 11:18 If this is correct for me to say I think it's an observer 11:21 Patience just doesn't come as a virtue, it comes out of love. 11:26 So obviously your husband loved you enough to sacrifice himself 11:32 and his needs, to provide for you in a time of crises. 11:37 Sustaining hope, you mentioned Carter that you kept hope, 11:43 you never let go of hope and that you took an optimistic 11:49 view of all that has happened, all that was happening to you. 11:54 Here you are now, this is the reality of your wife. 12:00 This is where she is and for all purposes she might stay this way 12:08 Are you sorry that you had hoped and that she was not totally 12:13 healed, or are you thankful and satisfied, talk to us. 12:17 I am extremely grateful, in fact one of the things I remember 12:22 talking to God about when she was in a coma and the doctors 12:27 were saying that they couldn't give me a positive diagnosis 12:31 of whether or not she would be back whether she won't be back. 12:35 One of the things I grappled with God with is that 12:39 I need my wife. 12:40 I just couldn't afford to lose her at this point in my life. 12:47 Things were going well for us and I felt that this was my life 12:53 As a result of that I prayed and God answered and brought 13:00 her back to me and I am extremely grateful for it. 13:05 I think that God has worked the miracle I was asking for. 13:09 My life was to bring my wife back to me where she is now. 13:17 I am happy and I'm thankful to God. 13:18 Your listening and you're watching and the question I have 13:23 for you, will you be able to look yourself in the mirror and 13:28 say, this is my situation, this is my crises, and do you know 13:33 what, I have accepted it. 13:35 Do you have the strength to move on, to accept the limitations 13:41 whatever it is that life has dealt you, can you take that 13:45 and move on with faith and hope encourage? 13:50 Because if you can't, then it means that you are not happy 13:54 with yourself and you will continue to go through life 13:59 miserable, despondent, unhappy, depressed and name it. 14:03 When you did not have to go that road, you did not have 14:07 to take that way. 14:08 You can, you know there are two sides to a road. 14:11 One side is shady and the other side is sunny. 14:14 You don't have to walk on the sunny side, you can choose 14:18 the shade, you can choose to stay depressed. 14:22 You can choose to stay lonely, you can choose to stay sad, or 14:27 you can choose to be happy just by simply accepting 14:30 your situation and moving on. 14:33 If there is nothing as you have gotten from this program 14:37 we hope that you have gotten this one thing. 14:41 Accept myself for who I am and move on no matter what. 14:46 Accept your limitations, fight through life, don't give up. 14:52 Be courageous, be optimistic and above all trust in God. 14:57 Because the God who created you is that God will sustain you. 15:02 and that God who will take you home when He comes again. 15:05 Thank you! |
Revised 2014-12-17